Look, I know the chatter - most of you think this season is capitol B Boring. Well, I’ve got some news for you all - IT’S ALWAYS BORING FOR THE FIRST 3 WEEKS BUT IF YOU MISS IT THE LAST 7 WEEKS WON’T BE AS FUN. Arie is objectively not great on camera, but the guy’s trying, and every week the editors have figured out to show him as little as possible. This week, he was barely there, in fact. Like I’ve always said: boring bachelor, dramatic girls and vice versa. Just thank your lucky stars it’s not Juan-uary any more. IT’S BEEN WORSE, FOLKS. Even if you give up half way through this season, just know I will be here for you, writing weekly recaps that are longer than most essays I wrote in college so that you don’t feel like you missed a beat. Let’s jump in!

 

Everyone is physically and emotionally drained. Y’all. It is WEEK 3. I love that literally three dates in, the girls are just over it. You can already tell there’s about to be a new breakdown every single second. Bibiana, who broke down last week, says that she’s “obviously” not a girl to mess with. I said it last week, and I’ll say it again, I really, really want to love Bibiana. But her whole shtick of being a strong, independent woman is not passing the smell test for me. I want her to be everything she claims to be, but the amount of complaining about a lot of shit that is fully in her control is a bit grating to me. Also Krystal says that she’s not one to back away from confrontations. Cool? Anyway, Chris Harrison walks in and reminds everyone that there’s 18 of them left which means that not all of them can go on dates. Also, according to him, the Golden Rule is “time is precious”. I mean, there’s literally a well known Golden Rule that is not that, but okay. This week, there will be three dates - two group dates and one 1-on-1. 

 

Chris sets down the first date card for the week and then spouts off another quote “Behind every man is a very strong woman” - this date, apparently, will put that to the test. OkaYY??? “Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah M., Bibiana, Krystal: It’s all about the ring. - Arie” Literally every single one of these women knows it’s going to be fighting of some kind. Usually they’ll cut to at least one person who’s like “I have no idea what it could be!!!!!!” Either they’ve really dumbed down the date cards or the producers figured out that we don’t care if no one knows what’s about to happen. 

 

Tia is scared because she basically had the shit kicked out of her at the last date, Jacqueline is scared because she’s not athletic at all, and Lauren B. has never fought anyone in her life. Has anyone? They show up to the “ring” and plastered literally everywhere is GLOB - Gorgeous Ladies of The Bachelor. I’ll be very straight up with you here - GLOW was not the show for me. Love the concept and most everyone in the show, but tbh, it did not grab my attention. Neither did this date. So the girls and Arie, who is for some reason, in a suit and tie, find out that they’ll be wrestling today and then Chris Harrison introduces two of the original castmates on GLOW. cool! These older ladies are KILLING IT. Literally flipping around and running and jumping around like nobody’s business. It’s great. 

 

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think Arie joins the ranks of Bachelors who take women on these crazy dates just to see if “they can have fun in any situation”. I’m proud to say that I would not have fun in literally any situation. This show has been setting women up for failure for years. IF YOU BREAK TIA, YOU NEED A NEW DATE. While everyone is struggling with the “acting part” of wrestling, the two GLOW women literally GO AFTER Bibiana and Tia. They make fun of Bibiana’s name and then just pull Tia’s hair? Normally I’d be like “oh this is fine, like they should get over it”, but if I were in their shoes I’d be just as mad, like damn. Tia and Bibiana go cry on a set of stairs and talk about how uncomfortable this date has made them while Bekah M. just says that WWE IS ABOUT THEATRICS. Like, okay, Bekah, we get it. She also like makes fun of Tia and Bibiana for taking a second and says that the wrestling is “not scary”, it’s like they’re “dancing”. Eh. 

 

Eventually the two of them make it back in the ring and Tia comforts Arie, who has changed into a t-shirt - he tells her that he’s just as uncomfortable as she is. Tia and Bibiana end up just going for it and wrestle a very slight bit before Chris Harrison tells all the girls that they need to go backstage to get changed into costume as their alter ego. So, they don’t go over what everyone’s alter egos are randomly, but the few we find out about are: Bekah is a sex kitten, Marikh is a gold digger, Krystal is a cougar (why she’s 29 years old…), Tia is a Southern Bell, Bibiana is a Bridezilla, and Maquel is literally a lunch lady with a mole on her face. Before the women wrestle each other, Arie comes into the ring with a different suit on and is surprised to learn that he’ll be fighting someone first - who, you may ask? Well, of course PRETTY BOY PITBULL KENNY THE KING SOMETHING I DON’T REMEMBER THE SEQUENCE OF WORDS. It lasts quite literally a second and we don’t even get a short interview with Kenny letting Bachelor Nation what he’s been up to. What. A. Waste. Do we even see the outcome of this match? I mean, surely Arie lost handily, but I have no memories of an extended clip from this fight. 

 

The ladies are up next and I think, at this point, it’s going to be a tournament scenario in which there will be one winner, but, no, they simple just have one match each and call it a day. First pairing is Bekah The Sex Kitten and Maquel The Lunch Lady. I’m honestly dying watching Maquel use the tray to destroy Bekah - “Lunch has been served.” Jacqueline and Krystal face off next: genuinely no idea what Jacqueline’s character is or why Krystal is truly hurting Jacqueline, but okay. Lauren B. and Marikh face off and it’s weirdly so sexual and uncomfortable to watch and then Tia and Bibiana take us home with a very underwhelming fight. Bibiana and Tia are very proud of themselves and apparently Tia wins? This date was so weird. I have no idea who actually won each fight or what they were playing for and it was v uncomfortable and I’m glad it’s over. 

 

For the cocktail party portion of the date, they all head to Caravan Outpost which is literally a fancy trailer park? It looks very cool, but also, why? Arie toasts to all of the women and just, again, says how uncomfortable the day was for him and everyone else. While Arie is saying this, we hear Bibiana say that whatever issues she had with Krystal are behind her. Just as she’s finishing that sentence, Krystal grabs Arie to talk to him first and Bibiana is immediately mad again. BIBIANA, STOP, THIS IS THE SHOW, DON’T YOU KNOW. 

 

Krystal and Arie go and sit outside a trailer and Krystal talks like a broken baby doll and it’s gross and I hate them together, please make it end. Arie says that he needs to “check himself” in front of the other women, whatever that means. Again, Krystal, being the most high maintenance person in the world, asks Arie if she should “kick back” on group dates or if she should be more aggressive - Arie, in what can be described as a smart move, says that she should just “be herself”. Of course, Krystal interprets that to mean that she should be way more aggressive, though I don’t think that’s how he meant it. Arie literally tells her that if she feels like she needs more attention, she should just go and grab him. Hooo boy, Arie, will you regret those words I’m sure. While Krystal and Arie are talking, Bibiana tells Tia that she wants to tell Arie about her issues with Krystal. Uh, yeah, that seems like a smart idea. :rolling_eyes: Lauren B. is the one that actually interrupts Arie’s conversation with Krystal, but we actually cut to Bibiana’s conversation which is her just saying that she’s “so respectful” of others so it’s hard for her to be around Krystal. Like, get over it. Arie would prefer that Bibiana just focus on her relationship with him rather than get caught up in the drama of everything. Agreed. 

 

I’m dying because when Krystal goes back to sit down with the other women, Bekah M. is again just telling everyone about her one true love, WWE, and how it’s all about theatrics. WE. GET. IT. YOU. LOVE. WRESTLING. I’m sure we would have seen a much lengthier conversation were it not the killer of all conversations, Krystal, walking in the middle and undoubtedly revealing absolutely nothing about her conversation with Arie. Meanwhile, Tia and Arie head into a trailer and talk about how she felt weak on today’s date - she’s not used to feeling weak, but apparently Arie liked it because comforting people makes him feel like a man. Cool cool cool. I do like their chemistry - I love Tia, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like they’re not the completely perfect match. We’ll see. I guess what rubbed me the wrong way is him kind of treating her like a child? I don’t know. 

 

Back at the mansion is another date card - Chelsea, who I think they’re trying to edit to make her a little more likable, says that she’ll probably get the one-on-one because she’s a mom. Mmk. “Lauren S. - You had me at merlot. - Arie” I mean, interesting choice. 

 

Back in the trailer park, Bekah tells Arie that her longest relationship was about 2.5 to 3 years - wait, which one is it? She said it ended because they were going in different directions and he broke up with her. A week after they broke up, she ended up realizing it was an amazing decision. I feel a couple of things - 1. I’m not sure that she was actually in a real relationship full on for that amount of time. 2. She’s either not over it fully, or absolutely did not care about it, so she got over it in literally 1 week. 3. She’s a child, I mean, was it when she was 15 years old? I’m very confused by it and every week, I’m a little less Team Bekah. She literally straddles him as they’re making out and that’s just about the end of that. We cut to all of the girls on the couch saying that tonight was the best night that they’ve had with him, but Krystal thinks that they’re all living in a “false reality” because she has the strongest relationship in the house. You know how for our current president, you can literally pinpoint a tweet that ironically describes any situation we’re now in? I feel like we’re about to run into that with Krystal and everything she’s ever said in a confessional. Bekah M. walks away with the group date rose and feels blessed and has a lot of gratitude. 

 

While Lauren S. is getting ready for her one-on-one, Krystal and Marikh sit down and have a little chat - Krystal says that girls have always hated her because they’re jealous. Once, in fact, Krystal’s best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her best friend so that he could date Krystal. Uh, what? She then takes a sharp turn to describe herself as a “provider” and then tells Marikh, a woman with whom she is competing, that she and Arie already know that they want to end up together, this is just the journey they have to be on. As a final note, she doesn’t want any competition. This would be annoying coming out of anyone’s mouth, but is especially annoying when you add her horrific, horrific, vocal damage. 

 

Lauren S. pulls up to the private airport once again and meets Arie who tells her that they’re going to wine country! I love that they’ve quite literally run out of things to do in Los Angeles. Arie describes Lauren S. as “beautiful and mature” and what he’s looking for in a potential wife, even though, you know, he literally has not spent time with her, which he openly admits. I’m into the dress she chooses to wear to Hall Winery, which gets such a huge feature, I’m afraid we’re about to see Hall Wines popping up on Bachelor Nation instagrams soon, but I’m confused by her shoe choice? Was she always wearing sneakers? Did she have stilettos and then was told that they would damage the vineyards? I have so many questions. I love, also, that she describes this as a “Very Lauren S. Date”. First of all, what. Second of all, there’s no way she actually calls herself Lauren S. They seem to be getting along okay, but they’re truly keeping it surface level when they talk about how much sleep they need and if they sleep in. Nice!

 

For dinner, they’re still at Hall Winery, and I’m convinced, spoiler alert, that the entire reason she’s about to be sent home is that they’re forced to sit on the same side of the table. Just horrible. Lauren says that she’s super nervous about tonight and then dives into telling Arie quite literally everything about herself including her move from San Francisco to Dallas, the lack of romance in her last relationship, and also her mom’s eye infection. It’s only funny because the entire time, we’re cutting to a confessional with her where she’s like “WhAt Am I dOiNG??” It’s excellent. 

 

Back at the mansion, time for the final date card: “Ashley, Becca K., Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Annaliese: Love is ruff. - Arie” HOW IS RUFF SPELLED?!?!?!??!??!?!? asks everyone instantly, somehow knowing that dogs are on the horizon. They don’t spend much time on it here, so I won’t either, but Annaliese has had DOG TRAUMA as a child as well. What in the world. She’s either had literally no actual trauma happen in her life or she’s had a lot of trauma and it’s just manifesting in her dating life. What a mess. 

 

Cutting to HALL WINERY again, Lauren S. straight up tells Arie that she has not been herself on this date. She likes herself and is cool with herself, but she’s been all over the place on this date. He grabs the rose and it looks like he’s about to give it to her, but instead, he says “I’m sorry, I can’t give you this and it’s because I don’t even know”. He doesn’t want to waste her time essentially. SORRY LAUREN S., BAI! So to remind everyone, this is the girl that two of my friends overheard talking in Dallas and it absolutely all makes sense to me now. I’m glad I didn’t have to harbor any major resentment toward her and actually ended up liking her because she was such a disaster, but absolutely knew that she was a disaster, so it made it all okay. She heads out to the limo, he grabs the rose and heads into the room they probably would have gone to if she got the rose - waiting for him was a string quartet playing slightly ominous music. At the mansion, a producer comes in to grab her bag and the girls FREAK OUT. Caroline literally bursts into tears. Who knew that Lauren S. had such a lasting impression on all of the girls? Krystal takes her departure as a cue to tell everyone that they need to make sure that when they have time with Arie, they’re using it to their full potential. Caroline actually has to leave because it’s so annoying to listen to her - Tia follows her into the hall and I’m dying at their conversation. Caroline thinks that Krystal just thinks she’s so entitled just because she met his dog. LOL. She wants Krystal to go home and SAME. I love Caroline now and I’m just hoping she doesn’t get caught up in a situation where she’s complaining to Arie about Krystal. 

 

Okay, so at the date, Arie shows up in shorts and high socks and chucks and it’s not an ideal look. He brings his dog with him whose name is Bastian? Is that true? I rewound the episode like four times and still cannot confirm the name of the dog. I will start out this date by telling you that I have absolutely no idea what this date is. No idea what they’re doing or why or what’s happening. All the girls show up and so do the “Dynamo Dogs” and their trainer maybe? Who are these dogs? They end up not being good at simple commands so truly what is this group of untrained dogs? While the girls are working with some dogs that are jumping through hoops and jumping on their backs, Annaliese regales us all with her dog trauma. This is all, of course, shown in a dramatization and I just can’t get over it. Apparently her parents were out of the country once and she was staying with her grandparents when their dog, Sunshine, didn’t want to play with Annaliese anymore. She ended up getting big and literally almost LOST HER EYE?!?! WUT??

 

Any pairing of the girls that involves Tia is phenomenal to watch - case in point, back at the mansion, Tia and Bibiana sit in one of the little cabana things and Bibiana leads the two of them in a prayer: “Thank you for this beautiful day, thank you for my friend, Tia, and let one of those girls get bit by a puppy.” My money is obviously on Annaliese. 

 

So we’ve met the “Dynamo Dogs”, the girls have done some training with them, and we’ve gone through Annaliese’s issues - now time to head to The Grove? WHAT is this date, I repeat?!? Fred Willard is there judging something and all the girls are in some sort of costume and it seems like a completely new set of untrained dogs???? I’M SO CONFUSED. Basically they’re in front of an audience of legit children who won’t stop crying and no one can even get the dogs to sit and it’s a mess and I have no idea why it’s happening. 

 

Some time later, they all head to “The Reserve”, which I’ve never heard of, but now want to go to. Interestingly, Arie grabs Chelsea first to chat - she’s in a very casual dress and tells Arie that apparently this date was very symbolic of her own life. I absolutely do not think “symbolic” means what she thinks it means. Basically there were children there and, oh if you forget, she has a child. Cool! She tells Arie that she adores the person that she’s become today and in the past, she’s never had someone respect her for who she is. Arie quite literally pouts upon hearing this. I don’t hate Chelsea as much as I did Week 1 for sure, but she’s still an annoyance to me. Caroline chats with him next and asks what’s been going on for the last 5 years essentially - I actually love their chemistry. They match as humans and seem game to talk about real stuff, but without being dramatic about it. Also I love that after they kiss she’s straight up like “the girls call you Pillow Lips”. Lol. 

 

For the entire night, Annaliese is frustrated, both sexually and otherwise, and just really wants to get her time with Arie. It takes awhile. Ashley and Arie have literally no chemistry, Jenna really goes for it when she kisses him, and then Annaliese finally gets her time. It’s incredibly awkward. They talk truly about how difficult the show that they’re on is? If Annaliese were on The Truman Show, she’d 100% be the one that spills the beans and accidentally falls in love with Truman. Though, in the end, she probably wouldn’t end up with him. Someone cuts in, thank god, and Annaliese walks away feeling like maybe Arie was a little bit off? Ah, yes, surely that was it. 

 

Becca and Arie find a little nook to sit in and she tells him that it was weird to have other women on the date today. I love the two of them together. Going to call a final three of Becca, Tia, and Caroline right now. I feel like Bekah M. might take the place of one of them in there, but I’ll place by bet on that today. Anyway, Becca and Arie both think the other is a dork and they love kissing each other and we get the first person to say that she’s falling for him! Yay! Weirdly, and I mean I sincerely find this weird, Chelsea gets the group date rose. Hmm. 

 

Alright, now it’s actually cocktail party time and Annaliese wants to know if she and Arie have a physical connection. She’s one of the few that still hasn’t kissed him. Arie walks in and tells the girls that he has to be very decisive and that’s why he sent Lauren S. home. Gotta respect that. He grabs Seinne first, who I admittedly forgot about, and then we don’t see any of their conversation. Bibiana goes outside to the driveway to check on the actual bed she had set up so the two of them could look at the stars. Or so she though. Right as she’s finishing telling us about this “cabana” she’s set up, Arie and Laruen B. actually find the cabana and end up making out on this bed. Bibiana walks up in the middle of it and it’s V AWK. What follows is a montage of basically everyone but Bibiana finding this little set up and it’s funny because it’s sad. One of the couples that finds the cabana is Arie and Bekah and Arie straight up asks Bekah if she wants to get married. Not, like, to him, but also, like, definitely to him. I think she says yes? Look, Bekah’s a cool girl and says all the right things including that Arie finds her interesting because he knows that she doesn’t need a man to complete her. I’m all about that life and the things that she’s saying, but something about knowing how old she is and hearing the unbridled confidence she uses when she’s talking makes me think that she thinks she’s really cool? People who think they’re cool freak me out. 

 

Arie actually has set something up for Tia, which I find cute, and it’s just bales of hay and moonshine. Fun! He likes southern girls apparently. I’m just now realizing, but Tia’s single streak of blonde hair reminds me so much of Stacy London’s streak of grey hair. Shout out to all the other What Not to Wear fans! Tia is smitten and Arie is more and more attracted to her every day. 

 

So, I have to talk about it because I’m committed to recapping this show in its entirety, but please know, I am just so uncomfortable describing this next moment. Annaliese grabs Arie and says they’re going to go on a walk, which apparently means they’re going to walk through all their bedrooms and go to a balcony. But, wait, when they get to the balcony, Annaliese can’t decide where she wants to stand on the balcony and then she basically asks him to kiss her and he says that they’re not there yet and I genuinely want to die it’s so uncomfortable. Kendall interrupts and I’ve never been more excited to see a taxidermist.

 

Chelsea and Seinne help Annaliese in the bathroom who is full on breaking down and furiously applying more undereye concealer. While that’s happening, we cut to basically a porn when Jenna is climbing on top of him and I’m just as uncomfortable again? Jenna seems just straight up insane. Annaliese is still working herself up and finally decides that she needs to talk to Arie again - I’m pissed that she has to interrupt Caroline to do it, but let’s get this over with. She kinda asks if he thinks they have potential and he just says “I really don’t feel like there could be a future for us.” Like damn. I feel like I’m going to respect the way he’ll break up with the remaining 15 women. No time to beat around the bush. Annaliese leaves and says that this environment brought out a manic and anxious person and that is exactly correct. Arie says in his confessional that he felt like she needed a decision exactly in that moment and I’ve never heard truer words. Bai Annaliese - I hope you find solutions to your trauma and wish you the best. The girls are super freaked out about Annaliese leaving. Why? We’re not sure. 

 

Finally time for the rose ceremony. Congrats to: Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren (WE’RE DOWN TO THE FINAL LAUREN PEOPLE), Brittany, Becca K., Seinne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, and Marikh. Bai Bibs! Shout out to her bob, which is the true MVP of the season. I will not miss her insecurity being masqueraded as strength, but I will miss someone telling Krystal she sucks. 

 

Coming up on The Bachelor: they’re in Tahoe! Seinne goes parasailing, Bekah M. makes out in a hot tub and reveals her age, everyone hates Krystal, and Krystal thinks that whatever she does, it’s going to be perfect. See ya then!