The moment we’ve all been waiting for: a predictable exit for Krystal. And also the secondary villain? What could possibly be in store for the rest of the season?!? This week, we’re in Paris, the women are on a boat, and we find out that someone named Jacqueline has been there the whole time. Let’s do it!

 

It took me far too long to realize that the women were not only boarding a boat for funzies, but they were actually staying on the boat. It took me even longer to realize that the boat was fully docked the entire time and was likely just making some of them seasick unnecessarily. They’re in Paris and Arie seems to think that this will be an amazing week and also that this entire experience has been amazing thus far. Really? Given that we’re two weeks from hometowns, they make Arie talk about the women he might propose to – he says he can see Bekah K. at the end of this, he briefly mentions Bekah the Bully and Tia, and then we find out that he can see his life with more than one woman there. Hmm.

 

Jacqueline – who? – says that last week was her best week with Arie. I genuinely want to see a recut of all the previous episodes featuring Jacqueline, like, for all we know, last week was the very first time she ever spoke to Arie so of course it was her best week with Arie. Krystal, meanwhile, wants to pick up with Arie where they left off. She says that Arie giving her a rose last week was a gesture that meant he wants to continue their relationship. I HATE THAT SHE’S ACTUALLY RIGHT ABOUT IT.

 

Chris Harrison boards the boat and tells the women that this week is “all about relationships”. FINALLY a new twist in this franchise! This week there will be 2 one-on-ones, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one dated. OJECTIVELY, THAT IS TOO MANY DATES. The first date card is here – “Lauren: Tombons amoureux a Paris…Arie” which may or may not be spelled correctly and apparently means “Let’s fall in love”. Look, I’m fine with Lauren, I still think she has no personality, but sure, I mean, who else was going to get a one-on-one? Before I realized that the boat is just permanently docked and was not just floating at sea, I was L O L’ing at the fact that Arie runs out after the date card was read as if he’d boarded the boat days ago just waiting for someone to read his fun little note. He walks up to grab Lauren who is “freaking out” about their date – not exactly a vote of confidence. She says that she wants him to open up to her as much as she plans to open up with him. Alrighty.

 

They leave the boat and...board another boat. This time a smaller boat with a Parisian man who also just is not sensing the chemistry. The remainder of this date is in complete silence. No really. We cut from the boat to Notre Dame to some open air market and throughout it all, Lauren is completely mute. The editing also makes it seem like I’m the only one noticing how uncomfortable this is – all of Bachelor Nation was like, “Am I supposed to be into this or is it supposed to be as weird as it is?”.

 

Back on the larger boat, Kendall and Tia talk about if Lauren will come back or not – they both apparently agree that this date is a make or break for Lauren and she needs to put it all out there if she wants to stay. I love the women predicting the outcome of their boyfriend’s date with another woman.

 

Arie, understandably, is worried because Lauren is very quiet and isn’t even sure if she likes him. It gets so bad that at one point they sit down at what is likely a beautiful Parisian landmark and Arie says, “I would love, more than anything, for you to like me.” Lauren’s brilliant response? “Yeah”. YIKES. Arie goes on to say that he feels like they’re missing that “simple, easy conversation” aka any conversation at all, and he also thinks they haven’t had enough time even though they’ve had ALL DAY. If only it took a single day to figure out if your relationship would work. Arie gives himself an ultimatum: if they’re no connection by the end of the night, he’ll have to say goodbye.

 

Back at the Maritime Motel, Kendall says that she selfishly needs the one-on-one to get time with Arie. Jacqueline thinks that this is the city where she could shine. Mmk. “Becca K., Seinne, Bekah M., Tia, Chelsea Jenna: Let’s get all dressed up…Arie”. Well that leaves Kendall, Krystal, and Jacqueline to vie for the one-on-one. INTERESTING. My initial thoughts were that Krystal would be on a two-on-one with either Tia or Bekah M., but surprise, surprise, it will apparently be with either a woman who has been willingly trying to connect with her or a woman who has, until today, never been seen.

 

Arie and Lauren head to dinner and Arie says that they “had a really great day”. What’s that now???? I’m distracted, though, because Lauren is wearing her favorite color: bUrGaNdy!!! Arie makes a toast, but I can’t remember what he says because I’m too busy PUKING after he WINKS at her like a GROSS OLD MAN. There was a meme that popped up on my timeline today with a gif of Arie giving Bekah M. a rose and it’s just captioned “When your dad doesn’t want you to feel left out on Valentine’s Day”. I mean, not only is that an excellent meme that had me ROFL, but also feels very applicable to this WINK SITUATION, TOO. Arie kind of half asks her why she was so quiet today and she says that Paris was “so busy” and that freaked her out. Now. Okay. Hear me out, kids. As someone with relatively severe agoraphobia, I relate to this on a very deep level. But. And I mean, BUT. SHE’S JUST A BORING PERSON WITH NO PERSONALITY, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CROWDS.

 

Lauren is glad that Arie is so “observant” because it’s not easy for her to open up. She goes on to tell Arie that in every serious relationship she’s been in, she’s put the guy in the friend zone for at least 6 months. She’s 25, btw, how many serious relationships could she have been in after putting a guy in the friendzone for 6 months? She has a hard time trusting people, which is interesting, because I have a hard time trusting her. Arie says that the most serious relationship he’s ever been in was with someone who had two kids – this same person was apparently PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD, lost the baby while he was away on a trip, and when he came back, she was gone. This is an absolutely devastating story. I have no idea what made him feel safe enough to tell Lauren about this, but damn, this is heavy. The weirdest thing about this entire thing is that this is the story that’s supposed to convince her that it’s hard for him to open up to people too????

 

She apparently finds it endearing and tells Arie that her parents did not have an easy marriage and that “warped” her view of men in general. We also find out that, surprise, she was engaged in her last relationship, which I actually find fascinating. When she and her ex got engaged, he immediately starting treating her badly and because of that, she’s even more guarded than she was before. Lauren then goes on to describe Arie as “soft and sweet and kind” and she promptly bursts into tears because she’s afraid she won’t be able to open up in time.

 

If this were a great season with a lot of endearing personalities, I might have any feelings whatsoever about this date, but it’s not and I don’t. It’s boring and weirdly too deep but also very surface level? You know those people you meet and within five minutes they’re telling you extremely personal information and your face kinda doesn’t know what to do? That’s basically this entire season. Lauren gets the rose and finds this entire scenario “astonishing”. Honestly, same.

 

For the group date, the women head to the Moulin Rouge and this is the Best. Thing. Ever. to happen to Jenna aka the craziest bitch there ever was. They walk in and the women/dancers/confident women are rehearsing and are definitely wearing thongs. Miss Janet is here, though, along with Eric, and are here to teach the women maybe a routine? Maybe just some light twirling? It’s unclear. They all jump up on stage with Miss Janet and Eric and they’re kinda sorta trying to be flirty with Arie and it’s VERY uncomfortable. As boring as Lauren’s date was is as uncomfortable as I am watching these women. Tia, of course, is painfully self aware and says she’s not very sexy and, in fact, she’s “fucking horrible”. She’s such a star.

 

We rush through this entire rehearsal process and then the women have to put on Moulin Rouge costumes and then perform, but it’s somehow not a choreographed routine and is just them walking? Meanwhile, Arie is wearing a FULL CAPE. I have truly no distinct memories of this weird performance, all I know is that it meant nothing? They’re going to go to change out of their costumes, go drink, then Arie will decide who the best dancer is? Or maybe the goal isn’t to be the best dancer but to be the best walker?? I’M SO CONFUSED.

 

Regardless, they head to a cocktail party and Arie grabs Tia first and she tells him that today was the most insecure freak out moment of her life. She’s having a hard time not comparing herself or their relationship to the others. The best part is Arie’s belief that they have something “cool” and “special”, two words I do not think sound “cool” and “special”. I think Arie briefly talks with Chelsea, who, by the way, is a 29 YEAR OLD WITH A CHILD and is the opposite of Bekah, the 22 year old free spirit. Arie talks with Bekah the Bully and tells her that Miss Janet thought that she had personality. She tells Arie that she would have been bummed to miss this date, but also was bummed that she didn’t get a one-on-one, so all around, she’s BUMMED. And finally, Seinne couldn’t have asked for a better date…other than the one-on-one at the HARD ROCK CAFÉ.

 

Arie returns to the girls and tells them that this was the “best after party they’ve ever had.” Bekah the Bully gets the group date rose even though she was not the best dancer and also I find her fully annoying now. They all head back to the Moulin Rouge, but Arie and Bekah go backstage to get changed – he back into his weird ass cape, and she into an entirely new costume than she had this afternoon. The rest of the women get a table directly next to the bathroom it seems to watch as Arie, who is objectively not a great performer, and Bekah simply walk ten feet. It’s uncomfortable to watch and I don’t like it and it’s over now so thank god.

 

Back on the boat, Krystal says that she’s confident that she’ll be on the two-on-one, but she’s also confident that she has a leg up? She’s going to go into whatever conversation she has with Arie with confidence. There’s a knock on the…boat door? It’s the date card and of course: “Two women, one rose, one stays one goes. Kendall, Krystal: We’ll always have Paris…Arie” I KNOW WE’RE NOT THERE YET BUT LITERALLY THEY LEAVE PARIS FOR THIS DATE, THIS DATE CARD IS A SHAM.

 

Anyway, Kendall is freaking out while Krystal literally says “it is what it is.” Krystal thinks she’s fun wife material, which Kendall doesn’t dispute and Kendall even says that Krystal knows Arie better than she does? Gotta give it up to Kendall for being pretty self aware. Kendall also says that Krystal is going into this date very prepared. HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU PREPARE FOR A DATE WITH THE DEVIL?

 

They show up at a chateau, which is definitely not in Paris, and Arie leads them on a chateau tour, even though, he’s likely never been there before either. In his confessional, he says that today is going to be awkward, but he hopes it will give him more clarity. Then he straight up says that this date is Krystal’s second chance and with Kendall, there are a lot of questions. We find out that Kendall has never been in love just as they’re entering and outdoor maze and I WANT TO GO THERE SO BADLY. The goal is to find Arie, which does not seem like a great prize, but okay.

 

Let me just pause here for a moment and let you all know how extremely disheartening this season has been. I loved Arie. Loved him SO much. When he lost Emily, my heart BROKE for him. I mean it didn’t, I’m not a crazy person who thinks this is all real, but I am a person that loved Arie on Emily’s season. What a true DISAPPOINTMENT that he has turned out to have literally no sparkle on the screen. I chalk it up to him being a shy person and also to the producers for literally showing him less than they’re showing Jacqueline? But I digress. HE’S BORING, I’M AWARE, PEOPLE.

 

Arie takes Krystal to go sit down and talk, or not really sit down, because whatever Krystal is doing leaves her ass fully up in the air not even touching the bench that they’re on. Krystal tells Arie that “this has been pretty brutal”. Hmm. Arie tells her that he’s not punishing her by bringing her on this two-on-one, but I kinda wish he were. Basically they talk about how he wishes she came to him when she had a problem with him, not just freaking out in front of the rest of the women. Then Krystal describes “all the color and texture and depth of our relationship”, which is just the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

 

Then Krystal goes on to basically ask Arie why Kendall is on this date because Kendall’s never been in love. She doesn’t think that Kendall would be emotionally ready and I’m just over here wondering why these bitches still think that spending your time with the bachelor talking about another woman has ever been a good idea?!? Krystal loved her conversation with Arie and says it feels like she was working through a challenge with her boyfriend, which makes me very sad and also laugh at the same time. She’s not nervous at all because she feels 99% sure that Kendall’s going home. I love that even in her most absurdly egotistical moments, she can’t even get to 100%.

 

Kendall and Arie sit down and Kendall says that she doesn’t feel as stressed out as she expected to, which is good. She doesn’t believe that there’s a specific time or timeline when she wants to get married, but she can see marriage and a future with Arie. It’s a VERY quick chat, but Arie does weirdly reveal that Krystal voiced her own concerns about Kendall, so Kendall is a little confused, rightly so. Kendall walks back to rejoin Krystal and, I mean, the girl just gets straight to the point, you gotta give it to her.

 

Immediately Kendall wants to know why Krystal told Arie what she told him and she also just says that it seems like it’s just about winning for Krystal. She straight up asks her why she said that she wouldn’t be ready for marriage and Krystal fully does not respond. Then Kendall delivers a SERMON and tells Krystal that she’s dated someone like her before. She learned that saying the most hurtful thing doesn’t necessarily mean you win and then she sits even closer to Krystal to tell her that she knows she’s been through a lot, but she needs to stop trying to control everything. Kendall goes on to tell Krystal that she’s imperfect and that’s amazing. SAY. IT. LOUDER. FOR. THE. PEOPLE. IN. THE BACK. PREACH, Kendall. I love Kendall, she’s a damn star.

 

Krystal “doesn’t really have words” because she just got slapped across the face with some truth. The words she does muster up are just that it’s “refreshing to hear your viewpoint on your readiness for marriage”. LOL. Arie returns to them just moments later to tell them that he hasn’t quite made his decision yet so he’s going to bring them both to dinner. Clearly he did this just to see if Krystal would freak out again and she low key does. THIS FEELS FUCKED UP TO HER.

 

They head back to Paris, finally, and Krystal says that she didn’t even care earlier when Kendall was offering all of her wisdom. Kendall and Krystal get to sit down alone in this weird little building with the perfect view of the Eiffel Tower. Krystal, for some reason, tells Kendall that they actually don’t know each other, but they have similar beliefs. Kendall shuts it down RIGHT AWAY and says that they may have similar beliefs, butt hey present them in very different ways. Krystal has no real retort to that so she just tells Kendall that it was a little patronizing earlier today. Kendall thinks Krystal has a hard time connecting with people but Krystal DOES NOT.

 

Finally Arie joins them, which is good, because I was just about to turn this off because I hate Krystal so much. He toasts to a great day, lol, and Krystal tells him that she and Kendall were just talking about the highs and lows of this journey and how it’s “indescribable”, but it’s magical and worth it. I mean, no, that’s not what happened, but okay. I am genuinely concerned that Krystal might be an actual sociopath? It’s unbelievably uncomfortable and I hate it so much.

 

Back on the boat, the women talk about how they think the date is going. Here’s Tia’s take: “If Kendall’s bag goes and Krystal’s bag stays, I might as well just jump in a river.” She’s god’s gift truly. Bekah the Bully chimes in with a poignant “no one though Trump was gonna win the election either.” Dude. No. I need Bekah’s political input just about as much as I need Trump’s.

 

Back at this awkward ass dinner: I’ve either missed several minutes of footage or they really don’t show any, but either way KENDALL GETS THE ROSE. I could literally jump for joy. SHE’S GONE. THE WITCH IS DEAD. BAI. Arie grabs Kendall and they leave and Krystal just sits there with her face completely and totally frozen in this creepy ass smile looking at the Eiffel Tower. The PA assigned to the job this week gets to go and get Krystal’s luggage from the boat and literally the girls are REJOICING. Popping champagne, cheering, the whole nine yards. I honestly think that this will be their favorite memory from the entire season.

 

Kendall and Arie head to the Eiffel Tower and HER POOR ROSE. OMG. They get to the top and it’s clearly very windy because Kendall is carrying simply a stem. There are no petals to be found whatsoever, it’s incredible. They have an extremely intense make out atop one of these wonders of the world while Krystal sings her swan song. Krystal truly can’t even muster up a single tear and says that she doesn’t need love to feel fulfilled, which is probably a good attitude to have, considering. BAI KRYSTAL, WE WILL NOT MISS YOU.

 

Now, time for a date with Jacqueline? Should I care about this? Jacqueline says that she feels like she got a pony on this date, but if she doesn’t figure out how to ride the pony by the end of the date, it’ll get shot. Okay, I’m definitely on board with Jacqueline now. Arie picks her up from the boat in a cool vintage car that breaks down absolutely immediately. For their date they go shopping, but maybe they’re just going shopping for him? Arie says that he likes Jacqueline because she’s very funny and goofy, but she’s super intelligent and interesting. I take major issue with that “but”, but whatever.

 

They were apparently shopping for Jacqueline and she gets to leave the store with a nice dress, which is fun, I suppose. This is the first moment I realize that as much as I may like Jacqueline’s attitude, I cannot forgive her for the amount of times she has already and will continue to touch her hair. It’s UNREAL. How her head is not a greasy mess is beyond me. The two of them head to dinner at 2:00pm, which I know you could just call lunch, but they’re clearly trying to pass this off as a romantic dinner. They’re in this old, old building and it’s very dark and honestly doesn’t look that great. It’s called Maxims? Should I know what this is?

 

Jacqueline tells Arie that today felt so good and she doesn’t want it to end. Arie is very happy that he’s making Jacqueline’s Paris dream come true, which is not what she said, but okay. She gets nervous, so she just grabs his face and kisses him. Not a bad move. They have this LENGTHY conversation and just run around in circles, but I guess it ends up okay? Basically, Jacqueline eventually wants to go back to school, but that’s going to take 6 years and she’s worried about that and so is he, but like they need to chill. They do have a weirdly natural chemistry, only weird because she’s literally never been on this show before. Arie doesn’t want to hold her back, which I don’t know how he would be, but suddenly Jacqueline wants to cry and I’m all confused??? She tells a producer that she doesn’t know if she’ll get the privilege to keep dating him and doesn’t want to say goodbye.

 

It’s a conversation that makes me, and likely everyone else watching, think that they’re just not going to work because she has to go back to school, but he doesn’t want to be dating someone in school? It’s SO CONFUSING I CAN’T GET OVER IT. Anyway, she gets a rose because apparently they’ve talked everything through. It’s v weird.

 

ROSE CERMONY TIME. Becca is really nervous for tonight, Tia is rocking a jumpsuit, and the place they’re at so COOL AF. Lauren is struggling with thinking about the other girls’ connections and just wants everyone to go home. Do we think Lauren might be kind of a bitch? Is that her personality? Anway, congrats to Tia, Seinne, and Becca. BAI to Jenna and Chelsea! I will miss Jenna, that crazy bitch, even though I saw her and Arie speak literally not even once. Chelsea didn’t see it coming and kind of neither did I. Also, she’s ROCKING the dress she has on tonight, I’m loving it. I assumed she’d stick around for awhile after Krystal because who will the villain be now? Arie bids adieu to the two women and tells the remaining six that they’re going to Tuscany!

 

Then we cut to a “scene” I’ve never seen on this show where the girls are all just talking about what just happened. Bekah, Becca, and Kendall are all surprised that Chelsea went home while Lauren is fully unraveling. We’re watching this basically from another room, but Lauren is apparently very pissed off and talking to a producer who we can’t see and it’s all very weird.

 

Next week on The Bachelor: The Leaning Tower of Pisa! Becca gets another date, Kendall is scared, and Lauren is afraid to lose Arie. Bekah M. is now the one falling apart, as is Jacqueline. Literally EVERYONE is crying including Arie. Later this season: someone wants to propose to Lauren, Tuscany changes everything, and a very random man shows up! See ya then!