HOMETOWNS, HOMETOWNS, HOMETOWNS. Watching this episode was a sincere struggle for many reasons including Arie now seems insincere and we’re just waiting for the announcement that Tia is the Bachelorette, also my fire stick literally overheated, and my computer died. We got our shit together, though, so let’s recap in en effort to make this season go even faster!

 

Kendall’s hometown is first and I guess I didn’t realize that she’s actually from LA? As someone who has lived in LA for almost 4 years now, let me just say that people truly from LA are absolute weirdos. It all makes sense now. Arie meets Kendall at a literal field in Beverly Hills, it seems, and she says that she wants Arie to embrace what she loves. Of course this means they go to a full warehouse of taxidermy? It’s so, so creepy. Kendall explains her love of taxidermy and that it’s a way to appreciate animals. That’s like saying cemeteries are a way to appreciate humanity. WUT.

 

Immediately, Arie’s like “This isn’t my thing” and keeps telling us every other sentence that he’s never dated anyone like Kendall before. I don’t think anyone has ever dated anyone like Kendall other than Kendall’s exes. I love Kendall, don’t get me wrong, but she’s an odd one. So they’re walking through this taxidermy warehouse and looking at all of these creepy dead animals and Kendall reveals that they’re going to be mounting some of their own taxidermy. YIKES. They walk into this other room and Arie looks just so uncomfortable. I mean, wouldn’t you if you just walked into a room with RAT SKINS CHILLIN’???

 

Arie, too, didn’t really understand the whole “taxidermy is a way for me to appreciate animals” thing so he asks Kendall, again, why she likes taxidermy or how she got into it. She says that as a child she used to go on hikes and find things and that’s basically what taxidermy is? Hmmmmmmmmmm. She also says that taxidermy is like a relationship because it’s something that will last forever. I just. I have no more words.

 

Once they have stuffed their rats, Kendall brings out an actual diorama for them to put their rats in. End of “Dinner for Schmucks” anyone? It ends up being kinda slightly funny even though Arie and I are both very uncomfortable. He even says that “taxidermy isn’t the sexiest thing”, not sure who said it was, but he had fun anyway. He then goes to say that if he and Kendall get engaged, he can have a taxidermy room and he can have a garage to work on cars. Lol.

 

The two of them head to a café, which I would like to find, please, and we learn that Kendall has an identical twin named Kylie and I’m dying. OF COURSE. Before we can recover from that, Kendall tells Arie that he is different than anyone else she’s ever brought home: he’s compassionate and she loves that he’s feeling things. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her and I would love to rewatch the tapes and see how many times a Bachelor/Bachelorette has declared feelings before one of the contestants? Gotta be one of very few times. Kendall grabs his face and they nearly knock over the table to make out. Their relationship is still just very fascinating to me.

 

They head to her parents’ house and I’m instantly wondering what her parents do to be able to afford to live this way in LA. Arie meets Kendall’s parents, KYLIE, and their little brother, Colton. I’m saddened to learn that Colton neither starts with a K nor is his nickname “Rob”. Kendall and her mom go and talk and her mom is mostly concerned because Kendall is so weird. This is my favorite most self aware family ever. They’re all just wondering if Arie truly knows how weird Kendall is. God, I hope not.

 

Kendall tells her mom that she’s worried about the fact that Arie told her he was falling for her. I gotta say, Kendall is going to go down in history as one of the most realistic contestants. Is it scary that someone is falling in love with you in 5 weeks after literally never having gone on a date? OF COURSE. Is it bad that your boyfriend is dating, at one point, 28 other women? OBVIOUSLY. Is it nerve wracking that someone might ask you to get married before you’ve ever been on a full date? YAH. Kendall’s mom seems to share Kendall’s hesitation, but basically, she just says that if you feel your heart opening around someone, that’s the right person. If you feel your heart closing around them, it’s time to let them go. PREACH, KENDALL’S MOM!

 

Kylie and Arie sit down and Kylie is apparently like an energy reader or something? She tells Arie that she could sense a little bit of space between Arie and Kendall. Arie looks genuinely a little offended by that and says that he feels pretty connected to Kendall. He thinks that they challenge each other and their chemistry is amazing. He goes on to tell her that, for him, he definitely sees a proposal at the end of this and he’s worried that Kendall may not be ready for marriage. Kylie can’t speak for her sister on that, but she does think that Kendall is ready to be in love.

 

Kendall and Kylie (!!!) sit down and Kylie tells her sister that she really likes Arie – she wants to know what feels different about Arie, though. Kendall tells her that, with Arie, it feels effortless. She was shocked when Arie told her he was falling for her and her immediate reaction was just to kiss him. Kylie asks her if she did that to speed the moment along or why she did that – I love this question, like yes, that’s a conversation between two people who know each other really damn well. The main reason Kylie asks is that she doesn’t feel the undeniable love between Kendall and Arie, which, same.

 

Kendall’s dad sits down with Arie and tells him that he’s skeptical. The guy barely lets Arie speak before jumping the gun and telling Arie that he wouldn’t give him his blessing if he asked for it. HE DIDN’T EVEN ASK YET, DUDE. It’s a very weird conversation because her dad basically says they’ll support whatever Kendall decides, but still doesn’t give his blessing. It’s very uncomf. Back to Kendall and Kylie and Kendall says that she does not think she’s ready to get engaged. Yeesh. She feels herself falling for Arie and she’s afraid to lose him, but she’s still not ready to get engaged right now. Kylie tells her sister that she has to tell Arie how she feels because she might lose him if she doesn’t. YES, SISTER ADVICE.

 

Kendall and Arie head out for the night and Kendall tells Arie that she struggles with explaining her feelings – finally she tells him that she’s falling her him. She says that she resorts to kissing because it’s hard for her to talk about emotions, but she loved being able to tell Arie that she’s falling for him. Ayiyi.

 

WEINER, ARKANSAS! Time for Tia! Weiner is apparently a very tight knit community, which is fun – Arie and Tia meet up in the literal backwoods and Tia says that she wanted to do something today with him that is near and dear to his heart just like the south is near and dear to hers. Aww! They walk over to a racetrack where Arie has the opportunity to drive a car he’s never driven before. All in all, this seems like a highly dangerous racetrack and I’m a little scared for Tia.

 

Tia is excited to see how Arie interacts with her family because they could be his future in-laws. Arie will be meeting her parents, her brother, her aunt, and her cousin. At her parents’ house, her family is talking about what they’re about to experience, too, and Tia’s dad says that he’s just waiting for the handshake, because that will tell him everything. Oh no, now I have to go work on my handshake. Arie and Tia walk in and I’m noticing that Arie immediately kisses the women on the cheek, which makes me uncomfortable. Tia jumps in and tells everyone about how stressful their last date was in Tuscany. Her dad calls him “AIR-Y” which KILLS me and they all join in eating some little wieners. Apparently, during the day Tia and Arie did meet up with Raven and Adam and I’m extremely sad that we didn’t get to see it.

 

Arie and Tia’s brother sit down to talk and her brother says that he hasn’t always been there for Tia, but he gets to be there for her now. Immediately, he jumps in and says that there are rumors swirling around that he’s a playboy and that he’s the “Kissing Bandit”. Dying. Arie is like “Well, I didn’t choose the nickname, it was just because of the last time I was on the show”, but absolutely does not address the fact that he’s a playboy. You all know I love Arie, but his reputation surely does precede him and it looks like Tia’s family has been reading the same Bachelor gossip articles I have for the last 5 years. Arie does say that he’s had years of his life that he wasn’t very serious and was traveling the world racing. Tia’s brother just wants to make sure that Arie is who he says he is. I love how Arie describes Tia as honest and open and even her brother is like “she’s not gentle”, which is the best description of her and honestly something to emulate. Her brother was not planning on liking Arie, but he did end up liking him. Warms my little heart.

 

Tia’s dad sits down with Tia and basically wants to know that he’s nothing like the guys Tia has dated in the past – he’s also concerned that he’s a player. She tells him that she sees him for who he is and thinks that he’s a stand up guy. Her dad tells her that he’ll see what he can get out of him. I love this family.

 

Tia’s dad immediately asks Arie if he’s serious about this whole thing – the only stuff he knows about him is from the internet and that stuff isn’t all the great. Arie kind of laughs it off and says that it’s really stressful to be dating 25 girls. Arie tells Tia’s dad that if he ends up with Tia, he would take care of her and put her first then he asks for her dad’s blessing. WEEEE! Her dad says that he would trust her daughter’s judgment and clearly she really digs him. So, sorta kinda, he gave his blessing? “If you hurt her, I can find you on Google.” I love the subtle Google ad.

 

Tia and her mom sit down and Tia tells her that she’s never dated someone like Arie that communicates with her. Her mom trust her choices and Tia says that she’s learned so much about herself through this experience and she’s happy she gets to share it with Arie. Tia’s parents are literally so supportive of Tia as a person I love them so much. Arie and Tia head out, but not before Tia’s dad hugs Arie and I love it. They sit down outside and Tia tells Arie the perfect scenario would be today having gone well and being in love with Arie, not just falling in love with him. IT’S THE FUCKING TRUTH THAT SHE’S IN LOVE WITH HIM. I love the way she says stuff, it’s so poetic. Arie and Tia both say it was the perfect day, and I’m proud of Tia for figuring out that she’s in love with him.

 

Over to Minnesota – Becca and Arie meet in an apple orchard and I’M SO JEALOUS. I LOVE AN APPLE ORCHARD. I guess I had forgotten that she mentioned it on their first date, but Becca’s dad passed away when she was 19, so I didn’t realize how emotional this date was going to be. Becca and Arie go around picking apples and eating them and, for some reason, putting them in a slingshot? It’s a rather unconventional apple orchard attraction, but okay.

 

Becca tells Arie that today he’ll meet her mom and her Uncle Gary who is a pastor and is like a second father for her. Arie asks for advice on the conversation that he’s sure he’ll have with Uncle Gary. I love that Becca just says she wants him to be open and honest with her family about how he’s feeling. This date is going to be a make or break deal for Becca. While Arie and Becca are walking up to her mom’s house, you can already tell that the family is not entirely on board with this entire thing. It looks v intense in this house. Godspeed, my friends.

 

Arie walks in and meets everyone and they all sit down to dinner – her mom asks how this time around is different than when he was on the Bachelorette and there’s a lot of side eye happening around this table. I honestly don’t even remember his answer, I was too busy watching all the shade being thrown. Becca toasts to a good night and Uncle Gary makes an additional toast to Becca’s dad and takes a sip and then just goes for it and asks to talk to Arie.

 

They go sit down and Gary says that Becca’s dad was a great hunter and fisherman and carved all these ducks and then we pan to a room filled with many, many, wooden ducks. I have no doubt that Becca’s dad was a great man, but this absolutely seems like a weird way to explain that he was great. We find out that Gary did Becca’s dad’s funeral and is very emotional about that fact that it should be Becca’s dad sitting her, not him. We also find out that Becca’s mom has had breast cancer, and through all of this her family has stuck together. Becca’s uncles are her guard dogs, which you can’t help but respect. Gary throws some tough questions and Arie says that Becca is the real deal. I’m honestly surprised at how well Arie is handling this date.

 

Becca and her mom talk and her mom likes Arie, but she’s worried that it takes time to really know someone. Becca tells her mom that she told Arie that if he was going to ask for anyone’s approval to get engaged, he should ask her mom. Her mom does not seem to be okay with a proposal at the end of this. We cut back to Gary and Arie and Gary asks Arie what he would do if Becca wanted to go to church and without skipping a beat, Arie says he would go with her. Becca and her mom both want to make sure that Becca is totally confident that this is the one and only, father of her child, before she chooses to move forward with him. Becca does see Arie as a great partner and father. Her mom says that if they choose to be together, which it seems like she’s not more comfortable with, she would grieve knowing that Becca might not be in Minnesota. This breaks my damn heart. As someone who has moved across the country twice, it hurt my heart a little to know that Becca’s mom felt this way. Her mom trusts her and wants the best for her – she wants her to be loved, content and filled.

 

Becca’s mom is surprised, I think, by how much Becca seems to like Arie and also how much she likes Arie herself. I love that her mom asks Arie to think about relationships that he admires and what he things makes them work. He immediately thinks of his parents and says that they choose each other every day. Her mom loves that answer and asks if he thinks the two of them are on the same page – he thinks they are: it’s obvious to him that Becca would be an amazing wife and he adores her. He goes on to ask for her mom’s blessing and she says that she can’t exactly give him what she thinks he’s asking for, but she can say that she would honor Becca’s choice. I love it. They leave and Becca is s happy with how that went, and honestly, I’m surprised at how successful it was. Everything with Arie feels right for her.

 

Finally, we head to Virginia Beach to meet up with Lauren who is very casual. They’re weirdly like touchy feely now which I would not have described them as a mere week ago. They go horseback riding on the beach and end up watching the sunset from this pretty glass tall building thing and I think the editing is supposed to make us like Lauren a lot? They have food on a pier and Lauren tells Arie that her family will be protective and skeptical of this whole situation. They’re eating crab legs and they each hold one up and she says “Break a leg tonight and I hope no one’s crabby.” What, like, suddenly she has a personality that includes humor?

 

Arie is freaking out a little and they walk into her parents’ house and it seems VERY formal. You know how on HGTV shows they’re just like “I want a place where people will want to come and feel comfortable”? This is absolutely not that space. Arie feels like the room is really tense and notes about how physically far away they are from her family. It’s weird.

 

We do find out that this is a military family, which makes more sense, but then we immediately move to a conversation about how Lauren’s dad is disappointed that Arie lives in Scottsdale, but doesn’t play golf. Then, like, really bluntly, Lauren’s mom asks Arie if he’s ready to settle down. It’s so weirdly direct out of nowhere. Arie has to get up and go talk to a producer in the front hall while he fans himself and pats his face dry from all the sweat. He says he almost as nervous here as he was when he was in the Indy 500. FORMAL PLACES DO THAT TO PEOPLE.

 

Lauren and her aunt sit down and her aunt was not expecting Lauren to like Arie that much or for him to like her that much. It’s the most backhanded statement maybe ever? Interestingly, Lauren wants to know if her aunt would be comfortable giving Arie her blessing for the two of them. It seems like she and her aunt are extremely close if she’s asking her this, but then we never hear from her again.

 

Arie and Lauren’s dad head outside to talk and her dad even says that he has red flags for Arie, basically saying that he seems extremely self centered. Yikes. Her dad just wants to find out if Arie would protect his daughter with his life. It seems like that’s what they’re heading outside to talk about, but instead, they just talk about planes they’ve flown and then Arie tells him that he and a bunch of other racers went over to Iraq and toured around to meet soldiers there. Instantly, Lauren’s dad is on Arie’s side now – he toasts him and thanks him for going over there to spend time with our soldiers. Her dad tells Arie that they trust Lauren and they don’t worry about her picking the right guy. If Lauren likes him, he likes him, too. Lauren’s dad was not at all tough on Arie and both Arie and I are very surprised to find this out.

 

Speaking of being hard on people, Arie sits with Lauren’s mom and he tells her that he thinks he and Lauren are very similar. Lauren said this one other time and I can’t say that I agree, honestly, but also, we’ve seen literally no personality from Lauren, so it’s hard to tell. Lauren’s mom is pretty cold the entire time that she’s talking to Arie – she kind of grills him on compartmentalizing the relationships he has with all these women and just doesn’t want to see Lauren get hurt. Arie pushes back a little and eventually says that she has to have a little trust that he’s falling in love with Lauren. He ends up asking Lauren’s mom for her blessing and she really doesn’t give it, just says that she trusts Lauren.

 

Lauren sits down with her mom and tells her that she’s falling in love with Arie. She tells her mom that she’s never dated anyone like Arie and loves telling her mom that Arie included the word “deeply” when he told Lauren he was falling for her. Lauren goes on to say that she doesn’t think Arie would have told her something like that if he was telling other people the same thing. Yikes. She starts to tear up at the thought of her future with Arie, it’s very confusing times. Her mom just keeps saying that it’s weird for her, but she hopes it’s real and hopes it lasts forever. Lauren seems very emotionally fragile for someone who has, previously, not shown an ounce of emotion or personality. It was a relatively good hometown for Arie, but Lauren’s mom does not seem to be on board with the whole thing, honestly.

 

The women show back up at the mansion and suddenly all of them (except for Kendall) are very open with saying that they’re in love with Arie. Becca walks in first and says that there are “three too many girls here, still”. LOL. Tia wants to tell Arie she’s so in love with him, Lauren does feel comfortable declaring her love and Kendall apparently has nothing really to say. Arie arrives in a relatively casual suit and tells Chris Harrison that he can see his life working with each and every one of these women. He really has no idea what to do, but he doesn’t want to look back and have any regrets.

 

Arie walks into the room with the women and tells them that this is the hardest decision he’s ever had to make in his life. Then he stops, looks very concerned, and has to excuse himself for a minute. The camera truly lingers on him in that hallway while all of Bachelor Nation and Arie are trying to figure out what’s going on. Finally, he returns to the room and apologizes, but before he can make any decision he has to talk to Kendall. WOWOWOWOWOW. Not at all what I was expecting. Tia, Becca, and Lauren are all standing there very confused about what’s happening – is he saying goodbye to her right now? Is he trying to decide between two people?? WHAT’S GOING ON?

 

Arie gets straight to the point with Kendall and asks if she can get to a place where she’s ready to be engaged. He tells her that if she stays, that means sending someone home who is definitely ready to get married. She can’t tell him at this moment that she’s ready to be engaged, but she loves the way he makes her feel and she’s worked through so much with him. She doesn’t really know what he needs from her, but she does not want to lose him.

 

While the other three are still discussing what’s going on, Kendall and Arie return, clearly indicating that he did not send her home and she’ll likely be getting a rose. Or at least, I’m sure that’s what the three of them were all realizing in that moment. Congrats to: Becca, Lauren, and Kendall. I am LIVID that Arie has just hurt my girl, Tia, but I’m much happier to see her crushed now than in the final two. She’s going to make the best Bachelorette. She and Arie go outside to sit and she asks him what she did wrong, she wants an explanation. I’m very pissed that Arie is not at all emotional about this, but he tells her that she didn’t do anything wrong, she’s an incredible woman and anyone would be lucky to have her. She doesn’t want to feel like she’s not enough, though. She gets up after many tear-filled (from her side) hugs and tells him to follow his heart. She’s a damn STAR. In the limo, she says that this is the shit that makes her put her guard up and protect her heart. It’s extremely hard for her to be vulnerable because she’s done it before and it left her feeling like this exactly and she’s just tired of it. She is the best and if she’s not the Bachelorette I’m going to revolt. I’m glad she’s not with Arie, though, let’s go find her the best man around.

 

Next week on The Bachelor: Sand dunes! Kendall isn’t sure, Lauren is scared that she’ll be heartbroken, and Becca loves Arie. Also a southern man is here to get his girl and someone is crying in a house and Arie just leaves them there. SUCH DRAMA! See ya then!