Three. Full. Hours. This episode was insanely long. You would think, with Colton not exactly being the most popular choice they’ve had, the producers might actually want to spare us a little time. But no, it’s almost as if they were performing some kind of exposure therapy and, to be quite honest, I think it worked. I’m excited for this season? Sure! I guess I’m excited for this season! So let’s jump in:

First of all: did we know that these viewing parties were a thing? The one in LA was at the Fonda Theater which is less than a mile to my house. Was sad to find that out because I get off work early enough that I could have crashed it, but oh well. Not only is there a giant viewing party in LA, but there are at least 3 other viewing parties hosted by Bachelor Nation stars: Kaitlyn Bristowe and JoJo Fletcher are hosting a party in Dallas, Ashley and Jared in Park City, Utah, and Jason and Blake are in Lansing, Michigan. Right when they showed the party in Michigan, I almost paused my TV and cried about what could have been.

We float around these parties for awhile and they all have one thing in common: they’re very loud. Loud to a point that I’m not sure the purpose of the parties are actually to watch, but rather to scream into a camera. In addition to these watch parties, inexplicably, Chris and Krystal - no, I’m sorry, GOOSE and Krystal, are in a hot tub outside the LA watch party. Now. Let me tell you. Like I mentioned, I live a mere mile from the location of this party. They are in maybe one of the shittiest parking lots in LA. It’s directly next to my Toyota dealership where I likely pay too much for service and directly across from the worst escape room in LA. It makes me laugh so much.

It was at this point in the evening that I realized I wasn’t going to make it - we went to a commercial break and returned exactly back to the viewing party. These three hours were going to be long.

Luckily, we get a respite from the viewing parties to meet a few of the women - first up is Cassie from Huntington Beach, California. She loves the beach, but she also enjoys working with people - she’s a grad student and speech pathologist. She closes, and I quote, by saying that “she’s supposed to be a good communicator” and she hopes that “translates”. I’m concerned that she doesn’t know what speech pathology is, but oh well. Hannah B. is from Alabama and is literally Miss Alabama. She shows us her autograph pads, whatever those are. To keep it ReLaTaBle, she also tells us that she’s the conductor of the Hot Mess Express. Somehow, I think she’s not. Katie lives in LA and wants to be a dancer, though, the freestyling she chooses to show doesn’t exactly what I would consider to be her finest work. Her parents have been married for 30 years and apparently she has a specific type, though we never find out what it is. Hopefully it’s blonde, former NFL players.  

Heather is next and she is from Carlsbad, California and she has never been kissed, so she, too, is a virgin. We find out that she’s actually met Colton before at a charity event and they took a picture together. She can see herself having her first kiss with Colton, and statistically, so can I! Onyekachukwu is loud and obnoxious at times, according to her. She says that her parents were only dating for 2 weeks before they got engaged and she’s a firm believer in “when you know, you know”. That’s probably good. Nicole is from Miami and says that it’s hard to be single in Miami when you’re relatively attractive. Awwwwww, I can only imagine! She has an autistic brother with whom she is very close. Kirpa is a dental hygienist and hopes that Colton flosses. Same! Demi is a country girl from Texas who lives with her dad and stepmom. We also find out that her mom is in federal prison for embezzlement? A colorful fact I never expected from someone on this franchise. She’s hesitant about Colton’s virginity because she thinks he won’t know what he wants - she wants to “try out all the cupcakes first” to know what she wants. I wholeheartedly disagree with everything about this metaphor, but okay.

We come back from another commercial break to - you guessed it - the viewing parties! At this point, it’s been 30 straight minutes of viewing parties with no sign of letting up - no limos to be found. We see a feature about Colton, which is really just a feature of Colton showering. I don’t know why they didn’t focus on this last season, but apparently he was a fat, chunky, awkward kid? The photos don’t lie. He talks about how stressed he was in the NFL, how he wants to share his life with someone, and how he’s been in love before and wants that again.

Colton and Chris sit down at the mansion and have a very frank conversation - literally Chris Harrison is like: “People are probably saying ‘HE’S NOT A MAN’”. Like, damn, Chris. Colton explains that everything he was worried about happening to him did happen to him. You do have to admit, they’re selling his virginity like it’s a prize horse and that can’t be easy. All I know at the end of this is HE SHOWERS. So he’s got that going for him!

Another commercial and another return to the viewing parties. With whom can I personally speak about absolutely never doing this ever again because it’s bad. As another way to truly waste my time, they do a feature about all the Bachelor babies. Look, the babies are very adorable, but if looking at these babies means I can’t go to bed until after 11pm, I choose bed.

We return from another commercial break to a proposal at one of the viewing parties. Whoop di do. We return to the LA viewing party and talk to Sarah Herron who loves that Colton was a chubby child and, tbh, same. Also, finally it took 56 whole minutes into the broadcast to hear the first mention of Tia.

Finally, and I truly mean finally, we see the first limo. It’s almost as if the 1,000+ words I just wrote didn’t mean anything! DON’T TELL ME IF THAT’S TRUE. Demi is the first out of the limo and I don’t enjoy her dress. She tells Colton that she hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12, but she’s excited to give it another shot. Ehh, not into this limo exit. Tayshia is next and she is beautiful and Colton thinks so, too. Heather who has never been kissed is the tiniest human, Nicole speaks Spanish, and Caelynn is a beauty queen who has a sash that says “Miss Underwood”. I kind of like the move tbh.

Sydney is an NBA dancer and quit her job to be here, which has, historically, not worked out for anyone. Elyse is nervous and a redhead, Tahzjuan tells Colton how to pronounce her name, and, oh no, this dress on Cassie is very unfortunate. She has what appears to be a Bird Box? Oh no, just kidding, it’s a box of fake butterflies. I’m still not entirely sure what her gimmick was here? Kirpa is all sparkle and updo, Caitlin popped his cherry so he doesn’t have to talk about his virginity anymore, and Courtney brough Colton a peach that he seemed to DESPERATELY need. Katie performs a magic trick about taking his V card and then the sloth comes in. I love the sloth. I love her commitment. And most importantly, I love that Colton says exactly how he’s feeling: “Oh boy, this is gonna take forever.”

Shoutout to the editors for going to commercial with the sloth and returning to her still not having reached Colton yet. Alex D. is the sloth and I’m sure I’ll forget it. Onyeka has a long name, Erika’s name is McNut, and Hannah B. gets some romantic music under her limo exit. Then comes my favorite part of this whole episode when Hannah B. walks into the house, sees Caelynn, and VERY OBVIOUSLY does not like her. The pageant smiles were ON DISPLAY and I was loving it.

Back outside, we get our first siren of the season when Tracy pulls up in a cop car, even though she’s a wardrobe stylist? Oh, she’s the fashion police. Got it. Angelique is amongst the delegation I am now calling “The Glitters”, as is Devin. Revian speaks Mandarin, Nina speaks Croatian, and Alex B. has no voice at all. Next comes Bri, the model whom I’m sure all of us had seen before the premiere because her fake Australian accent is now infamous. The fact that we really don’t see much more of her in this episode is a true shame. She. Is. An. ICON.

Laura is from Dallas, Hannah G. has a gift for Colton and the gift is an empty box because Colton doesn’t wear underwear? Truly how are these 2 things related? Jane has a photo of Colton and her dog, and Catherine one ups her by bringing her ACTUAL DOG. SHE LITERALLY BRINGS HER DOG FOR COLTON TO TAKE CARE OF HER. It’s truly genius and absolutely insane. Last, but not least, Erin, whose occupation is Cinderella, pulls up in a horse and carriage and gives Colton her shoe. Mmk.

I know choose to gloss over the fact that Becca and Garrett are at the viewing party in Park City as well as the fact that there’s another proposal at the viewing party in Michigan.

After 30 limo exits, we’re finally done, and it’s time to start the cocktail party. Colton walks in and toasts to new beginnings, to taking chances, and to falling in love. Demi, whom I will call “Cupcake”, grabs him first. She is a very aggressive person, which is not a bad thing, I’m just curious how their chemistry will be. Erika aka McNut MUST know why Colton is a virgin because he’s attractive. McNut is no longer my favorite. But she clearly doesn’t like Colton, so that’s okay, she’ll be gone soon.

I love Colton’s remark that this is six times the number of women he’s dated in his entire life. We love a man with perspective. He talks to Hannah G. by the fire and they take 3 deep breaths together. Caelynn and Colton have a conversation in the front of the house and I think the have chemistry? They agree that they feel more mature because of their life experience even though they’re only 23 and 26. He kisses her and she’s shocked that he took the initiative. Why do all these women think this man is a shut in?

Sydney brought a full string quartet to dance with Colton and says that she’s looking for her lifelong dance partner. Elyse, the redhead, is from Alaska and they literally fish a disgusting dead fish out of the pool? It’s GROSS. Tayshia sets up “Tayshia Land” which has genuinely no attractions. Finally, the sloth, who had been hanging from a tree for some time, reveals herself to be Alex D. and she has nice hair. Colton respects her commitment.

You know what I respect? Catherine’s commitment to drinking coffee during the cocktail party. Hate to say it, but is she a girl after my own heart? She gets to sit down with Colton and she is legitimately scary. A crazy woman. She might be unwell. Tracy cuts in and wants to decorate shoes? Not even 10 seconds later (in TV time, mind you), Catherine cuts back in on Tracy: “I didn’t mean to interrupt your coloring, but I think our conversation might be more important.” Quite honestly, Catherine, it’s not.

Onyeka, who is living up to her own assessment of being someone who can be “loud and obnoxious” at times, cuts in on Catherine’s second conversation by using a whistle and a snorkel? I...don’t understand? Catherine quietly stews and chooses to again interrupt Colton’s conversation. “Third time’s the charm!” Is it?

Once Colton is free of Catherine’s grip, Onyeka decides to pull Catherine aside to let her know that she’s rubbing a lot of women the wrong way by constantly stealing him. This is an absolutely absurd conversation, but shoutout to Onyeka for confronting this and not talking shit about Catherine behind her back. They have a truly superficial conversation which Onyeka leaves feeling like it went well, but tbh, it didn’t.

Next thing we see is Tahzjuan giving Colton a gift about silver linings, when, what do ya know, CATHERINE STEALS HIM AGAIN. It’s “actually excessive” according to Courtney and, while I couldn’t agree more, it’s extremely entertaining.

Cassie sits down with Colton and teaches him som sign language including the signs for “You’re cute”, “rose” and “kiss”. Dude missed his opportunity on that last one. He sits down with Katie and they talk about strong, independent women and then DAMN they just start making out. Hannah B., aka Miss Alabama, finally gets to sit down with Colton after freaking out about not getting time - they decide to have an honesty policy which seems logical!

Colton grabs the first impression rose to find Hannah G., the content creator! They breathed together! Very honestly not who I expected the rose to go to, but they like each other and he kisses her with A LOT of tongue and they’re very into each other. Cool!

I may have failed to mention it earlier, but during a viewing party, we found out that we needed to like an Instagram post in order to “unlock” some “secret footage”. Well, they aimed extremely low and apparently Bachelor Nation unlocked that footage about 30 seconds into the challenge. Well, Chris Harrison intros the secret footage only to find out that the footage is just FOOTAGE OF HIM. It’s a tribute to his time as host of this show? I mean, it’s great, but we can all agree that 150,000 people were disappointed it wasn’t just another video of Colton showering?

Time for the first rose ceremony of 2019! Congrats to: Caelynn, Katie, Alex B., Hannah B., Onyeka, Caitlin, Annie, Kirpa, Heather, Elyse, Tayshia, Courtney, Cassie, Demi, Nina, Erika, Sydney, Bri, Angelique, Tracy, Nicole, and Catherine. LOL. I love producer picks, I’ve decided to embrace them and not fight the drama. Bai to Sloth aka. Alex D., Devin, Erin aka Cinderella, Jane, Laura, Revian, and Tahzjuan. They make Cinderella walk past a pumpkin and force a weeping Devin to give her interview in front of the celebrating women. SAVAGE.

This season on The Bachelor: it’s the most dramatic and unpredictable season in the history of The Bachelor. Colton showers with a woman, they go to tropical locations, see a lot of fireworks, and Catherine seems like she’s sticking around for a few weeks! Colton tells America that it will be tender and passionate when he loses his virginity; everyone named “Hannah” is falling in love with Colton and so is Demi. Caelynn is emotionally tormented maybe by Demi who seems like she might be two faced? Colton walks through a dead forest, Elyse can’t accept a proposal, and Colton’s heart is broken. Even Chris says “holy shit” and Colton literally runs away? This season looks awesome. Like I’ve always said: boring Bachelor - crazy women - lots of drama. Until next week!