Tonight on The Bachelor: Colton is squeaky clean, there are fireworks on a boat, Hannah B. asks a question she believes to be original, Demi is a nightmare, and Billy Eichner is there? Let’s jump in:

Truly inexplicably, Colton is a vlogger? There is no rhyme or reason for Colton picking up his own camera and/or phone mere moments after he’s woken up to tell us that he’s nervous. I think maybe the producers thought this might add some realism to the franchise, which is not a thing anyone has ever asked for.

We return to the mansion and I’m faced with the same question I’ve had for at least the last 8 years - this can’t really be the next morning, right? I mean, we watched Cinderella walk by her pumpkin at 7am - there’s no way they’re forcing these women, and Colton, to go on dates the day after what seems to be a 14 hour excursion fueled by wine and, this year, coffee.

My theory begins to hold water when an exceedingly cheery Chris Harrison walks in shouting, “TODAY IS A DAMN GOOD DAY TO FALL IN LOVE.” And the brainwashing has begun. Demi tells him that night one exceeded her expectations and Onyeka who is wearing the most statement of statement earrings said she’s excited to get more competitive? Man, she is starting her audition for Paradise e a r l y this year.

With his alarming attitude, Chris brings the first date care of the season: “Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G., Nicole, Onyeka, Catherine: You never forget your first date.” Cool! This seems to be a relatively small group date so early in, but I’m sure it will be embarrassing and full of wonderful moments!

They arrive to The Regent, which is a small venue in Downtown LA. Onstage are Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman who tell stories to literally just the 10 of them in this large room - not a single person is sitting. Where did these women place their gaze? I simply would not know what to do. Megan and Nick offer stories filled with, what the women believe to be innuendo, but really are just filled with extremely explicit language. I...forgot I was watching ABC for a minute?

The women find out that they’ll be telling their own stories about significant “firsts” in their lives tonight in front of about 200 people. They all break away with some tiny notebooks provided by production to begin work on their stories. Meanwhile, Nick and Megan walk around to all the women to offer some advice on their stories. All I know is Nicole thinks she’s very smart and funny, Hannah G. has never spoken in public before, and Demi thinks that no one is going to have a story like hers.

It’s unclear if they’re still at The Regent for the actual performance because we are SHOT to the evening in record time. Colton is actually first up in the evening and tells a story about the first time he told the truth about his virginity. It’s...fine? Can we move on now? Elyse is up second and reveals that she’s always dated older men, sometimes up to 13 years older than her, and for the first time in her “very, very early 30s”, she’s dating a younger man. WE LOVE ELYSE.

Nicole talks about the first time she dated a white man (Is that now? We never found out.) and Hannah G. talks about the first impression rose, which is honestly a great and creative way to spin this challenge. No wonder she’s a content creator! Nick gets back on the mic just to say: “I was touched by that, but it kind of took away from the rose that you gave me earlier.” We also love Nick Offerman.

Bri doesn’t have an accent anymore and I can’t be the only one pissed that we didn’t see the footage of that reveal. She seems surprisingly normal now? She talks about the first time she felt comfortable in her own skin. Onyeka talks about nonsense including putting on her lifeguard gear to save Colton from drowning in bitches. Catherine just gets up there also to talk about Onyeka’s story? This is what I’m imagining happening for both of them:

Tracy tells a harrowing tale of the first time she tried to date a virgin, which resulted in her getting punched in the face? Tracy is genuinely a troubled woman. Demi is last and her story is not a story at all, but rather a publicity stunt to kiss Colton in front of everyone. I think she realized she needed to wrap it up in some way, so she quickly runs up to the mic to say: “And that is the story of how I got the first group date rose”. One: no. Two: That’s not a story, Demi. Do you know what stories are, little girl?

Back at the mansion - actually, let’s pause here for a second. The mansion was partially burned in the fires late last year! Will we be able to return to the location? The owners of the mansion also own a local tasting room for a brewery in Downtown LA and I’ve been tempted for months to go down and ask them. Regardless of what you think of the show, the location has been iconic and it’s genuinely very sad to hear that a part of it was destroyed. Hoping they find a way to rebuild and return.

Anyway! Another date card! “Hannah B.: True love is on the horizon...Colton”. Uh oh, other beauty queen aka Caelynn is SHAKING. Hannah B. also tells the women that the date will be on her birthday and we’re all left to wonder if the age in her lower third is the age she’s turning or the age she actually is? We hope it’s the age she is at the time of filming because it’s 23 right now and it makes me sad that people under 23 are on this show (sorry, Heather!).

For the cocktail party, back at the group date, they go to City Club Los Angeles, which is not a place I’ve ever heard of. Colton makes a toast and not even a second later, Demi grabs him first. What’s the strategy here? Wouldn’t you want to be the last to grab him? I don’t understand. Tracy is livid, for whatever reason, and feels that Demi just forced herself on Colton both in this scenario and also when she kissed him during the date.

During Colton’s conversation with Demi, he says that he really likes her confidence, and then all of a sudden, we take a very sharp turn where Demi calls herself a “total woman supporter”? One: no. Two: how is that incorrect fact relevant to anything? Demi returns from her conversation and grabs the rose on the table and says: “Oh, it’s my rose!”. One: no. Two: gross. While I am annoyed by this gesture, Tracy literally describes herself as “short of breath” because of it.

Colton sits down with Elyse and tells her that she killed it and was super sexy. Elyse tells him that there’s a group of the women who call themselves “Colton’s Cougars” who are all 27 and above and they named their room the “Cougar Den”. I want to be friends with all of the Cougars, I love them. Also, Elyse is a damn star and deserves love. Colton wants Elyse to keep opening up and says that he thinks he could learn a thing or two from her. O K A Y. They make out with a lot of tongue. Go Elyse!

Onyeka and Tracy end up in the darkest corner of all time just to gossip about Demi. They think her grabbing the rose, and basically all of her actions up to this point, have been immature. Meanwhile, Demi is truly just playing with the tassels on her dress. Tracy, in what appears to be a mature move from the outside, pulls Demi aside to tell her that it bothered her when she picked up the rose. Demi just says she’s “totally sorry” and then in an interview says that there’s “no advantage to being an older woman here”? It kinda seems like they’re editing her to make her seem meaner, but in that effort, they’ve made it look like she just can’t string thoughts together? Demi is this year’s definition of “I’m not here to make friends.”

Hannah G. and Colton are sitting down together, like, very close together, I might add, and she’s already feeling like this is hard. Colton reassures her because it’s clear he likes this girl a lot, but how is she going to make it through 9 more weeks of this? Anytime someone’s struggling Week 1, I’m not confident they’re making it the whole time. Demi peeks over this booth that she’s sitting at only to find Colton pushing Hannah G. up against a window making out with her.

I forgot so many other women were on this date - Catherine is there, Bri and Colton are in a photo booth, and then we land with Nicole. She tells Colton that her twin brother is autistic and they’re a very close family. They connect about that and Colton having spent time with kids with autism and it is very nice and pleasant, but it’s pretty clear that Colton doesn’t really have any feelings for this girl. Nicole did not get that vibe, though, and says that she’d propose tonight if she could. Oof, I’m concerned for Nicole and her extreme insecurity. Anyway, the group date rose goes to someone he’s excited for a future with and it’s ELYSE. YES. Demi is pissed.

Time for Hannah B.’s birthday date - Colton picks her up in a very cool car and we find out that he’s most attracted to eyes and teeth, which, makes sense why she’s here. They go to Vasquez Rocks, wherever that is, to go horseback riding.

Back at the mansion, Caelynn aka Other Beauty Queen, sits down with Caitlin to reveal that she and Hannah B. actually know each other - they competed at Miss USA together and surprise: THEY WERE ROOMMATES.

We find out that Hannah B. was apparently so pissed that Caelynn placed and she didn’t that she “SNAPPED”. Caelynn is sure that Hannah B. has another side to her and it won’t take long until she shows her true self. YIKES.

The date, meanwhile is not going well. Hannah says that she often doesn’t feel good enough and is very self aware about that, but she’s literally saying NOTHING to Colton. It’s like she’s never held a conversation before. They sit down near a hot tub and Colton toasts to “Being open, to being honest, to being true to who we are, and to challenging each other throughout this journey.” Damn, Colton, can you write toasts for every season? He wants Hannah B. to toast as well, but she literally, like, can’t? Eventually she says “Let’s make a toast to...first, it’s my birthday...so to this amazing day...and, um, yeah...roll tide!”. Cue Colton: “When in doubt!” L O L. I think we like Colton now?

They decide to go to the hot tub and it’s very clear at this point, they have truly no chemistry - they barely even talk. She grabs an eyelash from his face and other than that, it’s him just trying to convince her to be basically a normal person? He even says that if she can’t open up, he won’t be able to give the rose to her tonight.

They head to the Queen Mary for dinner and Colton’s stressed because now he’s questioning his intuition - he thought this would be the perfect one-on-one based on night one, but she seems like a completely different person. I’m sorry, is Colton SELF AWARE? I’m genuinely shocked that this season is going so much better than expected.

They sit down to dinner and he toasts again, this time to opening up, and he also tells her that he could sense that something was off. He could tell that she was trying to be perfect the whole time, but he doesn’t want her to feel that burden. Again...do we...like Colton? It’s something that she’s struggled with her whole life and I am reminded about their night one conversation - she literally made them promise to always be open and honest with one another. WHO IS THIS RANDOM GIRL THAT IS NOT THE SAME GIRL THAT WAS THERE ON NIGHT ONE. Also, side note, her age has changed to 24 and I am feeling more comfortable.

She finally opens up and says that one thing she’s been wanting to talk about all day is why he’s a virgin - I really have to hand it to Colton for answering this question a million different times and answering it in different and valid ways each time. He says that he just kind of accidentally ended up this way - initially, he had it ingrained in him that you save yourself for marriage, but now he just holds so much value in finding the right heart.

Hannah finally opens up and says that she was brought up that way, too, and she had planned to stay a virgin until marriage, until she was in a long term relationship and she feels a lot of guilt for that. She basically doesn’t feel perfect because she can’t give her husband her virginity. Hannah, and I, are both quite shocked about how much she’s opening up and Colton is handling it well - he finally grabs the rose and says that although they had a rough morning, he wants her to know that she shouldn’t be ashamed of any decision she’s made in her past and, again, he doesn’t want her to feel like she needs to be perfect. She accepts the rose and they head out to the edge of the boat to watch some dangerously close fireworks. Still looking forward to seeing her SNAP tbh, but this date ended up better than expected and I think I’m fully on board with Colton?

Final date card! “Alex, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney, Cassie, Heather: I camp fight this feeling anymore...Colton”. Eh. We cut to Colton simply splitting wood and then we find out that we’re at Camp Bachelor. Colton was clearly cutting wood for no reason because we see him grilling on a charcoal grill with no bonfire to be found. The women show up and they play field games for awhile and, honestly, it looks pretty fun!

For some reason, Chris Harrison drives up on a golf cart with Billy Eichner (SHE DROVE ME HERE) who Colton describes are “very hilarious”. I love Billy very deeply, but truly why is he here? We find out that they’re separating the women into 2 teams and the winning team will get to stay at “sleepaway” camp with Colton while the other women go home. While the women are getting changed for the competition, Billy and Chris sit down with Colton and he’s a great sport about it. Billy gives him shit for being a virgin and says “maybe you’re the first gay Bachelor and we don’t even know! PUT THAT IN YOUR PROMO”. I really wish they had.

The women return to the Camp Bachelor Jamboree playing ground and Courtney told her team “blood, sweat, tears, CRYING, leave it all out there.” My god, Courtney. They start with a egg on a spoon race, move on to a wheelbarrow race, and end with a three legged race all for one round in the competition - the red team gets the win for that round. They do a canoe race, which the yellow team wins, and finally compete in a round of tug of war during which Colton has to stand calf deep in mud? The red team wins - cool!

Back at the mansion, Onyeka is making a STATEMENT with a 9pm floppy hat and as the yellow team returns, the rest of the girls can’t stop saying that this sleepaway camp will be “very intimate”.

Back at camp, Colton and Katie sit down and they make each other jittery and they like kissing each other. Heather tells Cassie that she’ll reveal to Colton tonight that she’s never been kissed and she fears that he’ll see that as who she is rather than as a part of her. Heather sits down with Colton and flat out says that she’s not only a virgin, but she’s never kissed anyone before. He takes it pretty well and says that it shows she has value and self worth (I agree, but also, it doesn’t mean that people who kiss people don’t have value and self worth). Heather and I were both wondering if Colton was going to kiss her, there did kinda seem like a moment, but then we both realized that he would be kind of an ass if he heard that and then immediately took an important moment away from her. I’m confident it’ll happen soon.

Back at the mansion, the Hannahs sit down together and B. tells G. that she’s nervous about Colton spending time with Caelynn. Hannah B. says that there’s not one person she has a problem with in the world except her and she thinks Caelynn is fake. I NEED TO KNOW DETAILS OF THIS FEUD IT’S AMAZING.

Caelynn and Colton sit down at camp and they bond over their experiences working with kids at hospitals, her as Miss North Carolina, and he, through his charity. The group date rose is truly up in the air IMO, but it eventually goes to someone who was open and honest with him: Heather! I support Heather. I hope he does, too.

Time for this week’s cocktail party and I literally start my notes with “eff you, Demi”. She says that tonight is “gonna be a little aggressive especially with the older girls”. I truly cannot wait for her to get wrinkles and lose all her beauty. She deserves every dishappiness in the world. She even says that the “younger” girls are “five steps ahead” of the older women - literally the oldest woman is 31. I feel like she thinks if you’re older than the man you’re dating, you turn to dust. Speaking of, have we tried throwing water on her?

Courtney talks to Colton first and I know this because Courtney talks about Courtney in third person. Blech. We find out she is the oldest of 5 and is ready for a family and ready to fall deeply in love. She says she was responsible for 4 other people and I just really don’t think that was true? She’s making it sound like she had no parents and she was in charge of these children. Methinks she’s exaggerating a bit.

Nina tells Colton that she’s looking for a best friend, Colton wants Kirpa to stick around because of her personality, and Sydney cheated during the competition. While Sydney and Colton are talking, Onyeka decides to blow a literal air horn and it’s awful. Nawt a moment later, Sydney returns to interrupt Onyeka, this time with a sheet pan and a ladle. That didn’t work so she returns AGAIN with a pot and a ladle and IT’S SO EMBARRASSING. STOP DOING THIS, WOMEN.

Erika doesn’t want to have any kids, Alex finds another eyelash on his face and she snorts, and Tracy is the oldest and also a mess. While Tracy and Colton are talking, Demi “changes” out of her dress into a robe to interrupt them. She apparently has to show Colton something upstairs? LOL at Caitlin just going “DOES SHE NOT HAVE PARENTS? I’M JUST CONFUSED”. Still not sure how one begets the other, but it is an entertaining moment.

Demi returns - we don’t really see much of what happened upstairs other than she actually was clothed the whole time - and the women go after her for being inappropriate again. The women tell her that Tracy is the most upset with Demi and she’s upstairs crying. Demi walks upstairs to find her crying and just tells Tracy that she’s “seriously one of the most amazing women [she’s] ever met” and I can’t help but feel like she’s lying? She also calls her an amazing storyteller? It is truly a mess, all of it, it’s a nightmare. But, oh well, Demi’s plan is to sit back in her robe, sip her drink, and wait for her rose. Great.

Time for the rose ceremony! Congrats to: Tayshia, Cassie, Caelynn, Courtney, Demi, Nicole, Kirpa, Hannah G., Catherine, Bri, Sydney, Onyeka, Katie, Caitlin, Nina, and Tracy! Bai to Alex, Erika, Angelique, and Annie. Truly didn’t know anything about any four of you!

Next week on The Bachelor: they go to the pirate version of Medieval Times? The women work out with Colton, it looks like Elyse might get a one-on-one, and Demi and Tracy are on another group date together. Also Demi is still a mess and Hannah B.’s beast is about to come out. Yay? See ya then!