I think we can all agree we’re just biding our time until Elyse ascends the throne as Bachelorette 2019. All I’m saying is: we all love Elyse and want nothing but happiness and joy for her and we all know that she deserves more choices than just Colton? Okay great. Anyway - this week, we see a lot of stretching, Demi is still insane, Tracy makes a bold blazer choice, and Hannah B. is a beautiful monster. Let’s do it!

We open the episode with Sydney reminding us that last week was dramatic with Onyeka. I truly forgot and I truly couldn’t care less. Tayshia, who is a stunning person, and maybe my choice #2 for Bachelorette, is optimistic that she’ll be on a date this week. Speaking of: the first date card arrives! “Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, Caelynn: I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure...Colton”.

The ladies head to Pirate Dinner adventure which I’ve literally been trying to convince my friends to go to with me for several years now. It’s just medieval times with less armor and I COULDN’T WANT TO GO THERE MORE. They walk in and Colton is simply standing on this ship for what is too long an amount of time to be standing on a ship with no expression on his face. Finally, he jumps down from his small perch to fight some other pirates and performs the wonderful line reading of “Hey, you knuckleheads, knock it off!” Move over Lady Gaga and/or Glenn Close!

They find out that they’re going to learn how to be pirates - 2 will “win”, I guess, and compete for Captain Colton’s heart. The ladies jump into what appears to be simply balancing and maybe that’s it? Demi takes the opportunity to call herself a “cutthroat kind of chick”, which, yes, we know. Hannah B. takes it way too seriously and just starts, essentially, swatting these women off of this balance beam including Caelynn, her sworn enemy. Apparently through all of this training, Tracy and Caelynn are deemed the most fit pirates: congrats!

Tracy and Caelynn get to compete during the evening performance to get to Colton who has returned to his itty bitty perch. It is, what should we call it, nawt a fair fight and Tracy is losing almost immediately, which I must say, seems to fit with her brand. Caelynn reaches Colton and unties him and they kiss onstage and they both look awkward about it. Oh, also, Demi has been throwing full STEAKS onto the ship during the performance. Hannah B., meanwhile, is slowly breaking down and says that if Colton knew more about Caelynn, she thinks he’d feel differently about her.

For the cocktail party, the producers decide to return to this place called Bigdaddy’s Antiques, which they’ve been frequenting for the past few seasons now. Look, I’m all for a rustic backdrop to some heavy conversations, but can we please find an antique shop that gives the same vibe, but does not force every conversation to be a TRUE WHISPER?! Colton toasts to seeing all of the women’s personalities come out during the date and then Katie grabs him first. They talk about how he likes that she keeps it real and that they have so much in common including enjoying sushi! They do seem to like each other despite their boring and predictable food choices. Back with all the women, of course, Demi and Tracy have already begun to fight - Demi says that it’s clear that Colton doesn’t really have a type and Tracy IMMEDIATELY bristles to the phrase “his type”. Okay. Demi retorts by saying, to her face, that she’d be uncomfortable as an older woman surrounded by younger women and she feels “so bad” for Tracy. At this point, despite how much I hate Demi, it’s very clear that she’s found Tracy’s true insecurity and won’t relent until the girl is gone. I assumed it was Demi just being an insane person who’s obsessed with being young, which, it might still be, but I think it’s mostly just that she knows Tracy doesn’t like that she’s 31.

Heather and Colton chat for a minute and it seems like they don’t kiss, which is a disappointment, Courtney and Colton have no physical chemistry, and Demi has a truly tragic dress. Do we think that’s why Tracy initially started to hate Demi? Because she’s a wardrobe stylist? Either way, Demi’s interruption of Colton and Courtney was a welcome change as clearly they didn’t want to be talking to each other for much longer anyway.

Demi decides that she would like to blindfold Colton after telling him that she likes the way he smells. Once blindfolded, she has what appears to be a sorority paddle, and whacks him for some unknown reason. To follow that up, she has a tiny Dooneese style mannequin hand trailing down his body to his crotch. He, and the world, is uncomfortable with this entire exchange.

While this is all going down, Courtney is becoming more and more angry and decides, when Demi returns from her playtime, to confront Demi. They go to a literal aisle to whisper their fight - Courtney tells Demi that sometimes her delivery is not how she’d like it to be and that she needs to be more aware. While I hate Demi, I have to agree that this is a weak argument. It’s just like, not the actual issue that these women have with Demi. But Demi basically says that she’s not going to change anything and that it seems like the rest of the women are just intimidated by her confidence.

In a wonderful moment of respite from the whispering, we return to the mansion for the second date card: “Elyse: Love is in the air...Colton”. YES, WE LOVE ELYSE. GIVE HER ALL THE DATES AND THEN LATER HER OWN SEASON.

Back at the silent antique store, Caelynn and Colton sit down and I can barely hear the beginning to their conversation because the ice in her glass is N O I S Y. Truly louder than all of the conversations from the night combined. They kind of weirdly agree that it was a mistake for them to have kissed during the Pirate Show (honestly, already forgot that’s how this date started).

While Caelynn and Colton are talking, Heather and Hannah B. sit down and Heather essentially convinces Hannah B. to tell Colton about her issues with Caelynn. She doesn’t think that Caelynn is showing Colton every side of her and she thinks that he NEEDS TO KNOW.

Hannah B. gets her moment with Colton and immediately jumps in to telling him that she and Caelynn were roommates and that they had a fallout. It’s kind of this long, bumbling conversation which leads to Hannah B. essentially saying that if Caelynn is someone that he’s interested in, then there’s no way that Colton would want Hannah B. He seems visibly upset by it and needs to take some time and then they can pick up the conversation later.

He grabs Caelynn and tells her that Hannah B. used the word “hostile” to describe her and that she had to remove herself from the friendship. Caelynn chalks it up to the two of them handling competition differently and also that she’s had traumatic experiences in her life. She doesn’t, or didn’t really, want to bring any of this up tonight or right now. She’s crying and emotional and I don’t really know who to believe. Either way, Colton gets up, grabs the group date rose, and returns to give it to Caelynn. He says that he likes her a lot and that’s kinda it. Hannah B. sees when they return to the larger group and says that she feels like she ruined her chances, but doesn’t know how to fix it. Colton and I are truly confused.

At the mansion the next morning, Bri, Caitlin, and Onyeka comfort Caelynn who says that she should be happy, but she’s not. She’s shaky, she can’t sleep, and she doesn’t feel good. Meanwhile, Heather and Hannah B. have clearly forged a bond and Hannah B. tells Heather that she feels like she messed up. She thinks it would suck if he sent her home before he sends home Caelynn. Now’s the time to try and figure out who the two-on-one will be - Hannah B. and Caelynn? Tracy and Demi? Can we have two two-on-ones this season? My money’s actually on Tracy and Demi because there’s no way either of them is getting a one-on-one before week 6. Just a matter of Tracy making it 3 more weeks.

ANYWAY, LET’S FOCUS ON ELYSE INSTEAD. She gets the first helicopter date! Colton tells her that they’re going to be flying to San Diego, but doesn’t tell her what they’re doing yet. Elyse’s goal on this date is to make sure that they’re on the same page because she is 6 years older than him. They land in San Diego and Elyse finds out that they’re going to Belmont Park (Go Bruins!) and Colton drops the bomb that this actually is going to be a group date. Truly lol at her face completely dropping - I feel like it took all of her energy not to be like “Hey, dude, WTF”. BUT, instead of other women on the date, it’s a bunch of kids that they get to hang out with at this amusement park!

They take the kids on a carousel first and it is truly extremely endearing. We find out that these are kids that are supported by Colton’s charity. They’re so cute. He tells Elyse that this is actually a date that is close to his real life - his charity focuses on getting kids out of the hospital for events, so this is definitely something that he might do on any given day. All of the kids love both Elyse and Colton and they’re very precious. Colton and Elyse break away for a minute to go on a roller coaster and Colton has literally devised some way for the roller coaster to stop directly at the top so that they can make out for awhile. After this date, Elyse says that she doesn’t care what Colton’s age is, she thinks he’ll be a pretty darn good dad. YES ELYSE.

At dinner, Elyse says that Colton proved her wrong today and she feels like they’re on the same page - she was glad to see that side of him today. He tells her that he likes that she’s very strong minded and asks what experiences in her life made her the way that she is. She reveals that her sister was pregnant and found out that she had cancer - her sister died, but her family has the new baby that has brought them joy through the tragedy. We find out that she has a charity called Sarah’s Closet, which her family started in honor of her sister. Elyse is a strong ass woman who has dealt with a huge amount of pain in her life and we love her. She tells Colton that she never expected to be so vulnerable so quickly.

Back at the mansion, we get the final date card for the week: “Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, Caitlin: For every strong man, there is an even stronger woman...Colton”. Uh oh! Hannah G. and her tiny face aren’t on a date this week!

Back with Elyse, she tells him that their lives haven’t exactly been similar to get where they are, but maybe that doesn’t matter. She gets the rose and all of Bachelor Nation is rejoicing. Colton says that the night isn’t even over and I bury my head in my hands realizing that we’re about to head into a private concert: sure enough, there is a concert feature Tenille Arts - you know, the woman with neither a first nor a last name. Anyone who reads these recaps knows my unadulterated hatred for these concerts, but we love Elyse so we’ll allow it.

For the final group date, we’re...just doing Crossfit? The woman pull up in a party bus to Colton flipping tires and Onyeka JETS off that bus. Truly sprinting at top speed. Today, Colton says, they’re going to get a little bit sweaty - they go into a warehouse that contains approximately 4 pieces of workout equipment and they find Terry Crews and Rebecca King-Crews who are there to help them workout. Terry and Rebecca have been married for 29 years and we love them so much.

The women all start working out and we find out that Sydney is a fitness instructor and also Catherine is a black belt in karate? Wut. Nicole, on the other hand, is maybe the least strong person in the world. For some reason, Colton and Sydney just go off to the side and start stretching for awhile. We find out that in addition to this workout class, they’re going to be competing in what they’re calling “Bachelor’s Strongest Woman”. Fred Willard is inexplicably back and Chris Harrison, seated beside him, has more stubble than usual and I’m not sure we like it.

We start with the women just pushing 100 pounds and learn that Onyeka ran track in high school. Nicole takes her shirt off for some reason, though she can’t move those 100 pounds to save her life. Next is tire flipping at which Catherine and Sydney truly excel. Then the women have to literally pull a limo? How is this a good idea? Caitlin, who is wearing just so much makeup, has found some way to do it, even though, just moments later we find out the three finalists are Sydney, Catherine, and Onyeka. The final test will be them essentially running suicides with medicine balls - surely Onyeka’s track experience will give her an advantage. Indeed, Onyeka truly smokes the other women and wins the competition. Colton celebrates with her, but it’s very clear he’s in no way interested in her.

For their cocktail party, they go to a rooftop bar and Onyeka is obsessed with the trophy she won. Colton tells the women that the best part of his day was watching them be strong and confident. Mmk. Tayshia sits down with Colton and says that strong women empower other women and WE LOVE TAYSHIA. Colton agrees and says that he needs a strong woman in his life and then they kiss. She’s blindingly beautiful and also a kickass person? We love Tayshia.

Nicole and Colton chat and she cannot stop saying “like”. She begins to cry about something or other and he does kiss her, but I am just absolutely not feeling the chemistry between these two. Colton brings Onyeka some chocolate cake for winning, Cassie and Colton make out against a window, and then we get to Caitlin. This entire conversation makes me LOL. She essentially starts it by saying that she doesn’t have anything in her life that she wants to share because she’s had a good life. He moves past that and asks what she’s looking for in a partner and says she wants someone to go out with her and her friends and someone who can have a silly evening. I have to laugh.

It is really the most awkward conversation and I think Colton’s figuring out what to do if he doesn’t send her home right now, so he just says that he didn’t feel a spark with her and sends her packing. She’s kind of a bitch when she leaves and won’t allow him to say goodbye, really, and definitely refuses to hold his hand. I just can’t understand her exit because she’s acting like she’s confused, but there’s no way that she was at all interested in this man. Whatever, we won’t miss you Caitlin, probably see you on Paradise, but I hope not because you’re boring. K bai! Interestingly, Nicole gets the group date rose.

The next morning, all the women are seemingly SHOCKED about Caitlin’s exit. Chris walks in, which is never a good sign, and lets them all know that Colton has decided to cancel the cocktail party this evening. BUT, there IS gonna be a pool party today! Great! The women head off to get ready for this pool party and then we spend what is, again, too much time watching them apply sunscreen. Gratuitous, yes, but also beneficial for the American public to see!

Colton arrives and tells them that this was a more emotional week than he thought it would be and he’s hoping to get clarity today. Hannah G. sits down with Colton first because she didn’t get a date this week. The two of them need to find a more comfortable way of sitting. Meanwhile, Heather and Hannah B. talk about if Hannah B. will bring up Caelynn and as they’re talking about it, Caelynn and Colton walk by to chat. This sparks Hannah B.’s now iconic descriptions of herself - she has a beautiful monster inside that she has to let out, she also has a tank of rage which is full right now, and finally there is a beast inside her. For such a slim girl, there is a lot going on inside. She screeches I guess I’d call it? Whatever it is, she has such an insane amount of tongue tension, it’s stressing me out.

Caelynn and Colton sit down and she jumps right into telling him about her fallout with Hannah B. Again, she attributes it to her placing in the competition when Hannah B. didn’t. Colton looks completely and totally uninterested in having this conversation. She continues on and even says that she doesn’t want to throw Hannah under the bus, even though, ya know, she is. He says that he’s concerned about hearing this because he did have a good experience with Hannah on their one-on-one and just feels caught off guard.

He leaves that conversation to go sit down with Hannah B. and tells her that he just wants to move past this. The words he’s caught up on are “manipulative”, “toxic”, and “deceitful” because none of those things should describe the woman he’ll end up with. She retorts by saying that she’s not manipulative because Caelynn is manipulative. She’s afraid that Colton is not seeing Caelynn is a whole person and asks him to just trust her because she’s telling the truth. He has to get up in the middle of the conversation and just sit with the producers for a little while. Meanwhile, all the other women are freaking out about not getting time with him, but I’m just here to say that HE NEEDS TO ASK FOR SPECIFIC EXAMPLES. All of the conversations are so vague and OF COURSE they’re not helping him decide what to do.

We head to the rose ceremony with nothing really settled. Shoutout to the producer who put Hannah B. directly next to Caelynn with her rose in hand. Congrats to: Hannah G., Tayshia, Katie, Cassie, Kirpa, Sydney, Demi, Tracy, Courtney, Heather, Onyeka, and Hannah B. Truly L O L at Caelynn’s face when Hannah B. gets the rose. And bai to Catherine, Bri, and Nina. Catherine gets to reunite with her now neglected dog. I wish them all well!

Next time on The Bachelor: they’re going to Singapore! Caelynn gets a one-on-one, Colton’s making out with someone in a bed, Hannah B. has a literal leech on her, and Demi and Courtney have a fight. Can’t wait!