Were they really trying to pretend there was any suspense this week? I’ve never seen a clearer final four, and yet, somehow, the edit got me - I cried more than I expected to. Also, I met Nick Viall this week and I’m gonna tell you the story! Let’s jump in!

I absolutely love that they’ve started going to cold places on this show. It’s like they figured out, after 20 years, that hot tubs still function in cold weather and maybe even look sexier because of the larger amount of steam coming off them. Thank god. They’re in Geneva, Switzerland this week and Rachel is 100% falling for these guys! SAME! Also, I hate to jump ahead, but I think this might be the first season in history where I think if she ends up with literally any of the remaining people, and I’m including Matt and Adam here (I KNOW, I’M SORRY, BUT LIKE I SAID THERE WAS NO SUSPENSE), she’d be ending up with an actual great guy. Cold places and genuinely great guys - WHAT IS THIS FRANCHISE TURNING INTO???? It’s the last week before hometowns and Rachel says that she’s underestimated how hard it would be to let the guys go. The guys show up in Geneva - Eric is looking forward to taking her home, Bryan can’t stop calling her “my girl Rachel”, it’s been months since Peter had a One-on-One, and Matt thinks that this week is really intense. They enter the decidedly not grand Hotel Royal and sit down in a tiny ass seeing area waiting for their next move. Next minute, Rachel floats in with a STUNNING all white outfit and the guys immediately freak out; except for Dean, Dean is the gentleman who immediately asks how Rachel is feeling. IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS, PEOPLE. She tells the guys that they’re going to be doing things a little differently this week - NO ROSE CEREMONY (Don’t worry, producers, we haven’t gotten rose ceremonies in the last 4 years, it’s fine) and there will be four dates. Three one-on-ones and a three-on-one group date. I don’t know why but this format STRESSES ME THE FUCK OUT. It’s too many dates, I’m wondering how they’re going to fit in good footage in such a short amount of time, I’m also worried that Peter is on that group date because they’ve been teasing the hell out of him freaking out, and I’m genuinely wondering if Matt and Adam think they have a shot? They can’t know that they’ve gotten simply no air time. Poor guys. First one-on-one date goes to Bryan. Immediately, Peter starts to get jealous and says that he wants to spend time with her in these beautiful places, he just got Palm Springs. OKAY, PETER, CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE. She asks Bryan to go get ready for the date and, like, maybe it took him awhile, but they way they cut it makes it seem like he literally got ready in 20 seconds or less meaning she had no time to talk to the other guys. She and Bryan head out and immediately Adam says he doesn’t know why Rachel would want a guy like Bryan (mmk) and Eric says, “The game done changed.” Yes, yes it has, Eric. 

Rachel opens the date by saying that she likes to treat her man, but she has never treated a man like she’s going to on this date. First, they walk up to a Bentley that Bryan gets to drive, all while, of course, he keeps calling her “my woman”. They drive around for awhile, presumably to make it seem like they’re doing more than just driving to a watch store, which they absolutely do. Geneva apparently invented the wrist watch so “of course” they have to go to a watch store. Hmm. They sit down and try on some watches and he ends up wearing a black one that’s probably way too expensive - she asks him if he likes black, which he does, which excites her, I guess. She tries on a matching watch and then she announces that she’s getting both of them and she’s paying. Now. Do we really think she’s paying? I’m clearly not saying that she couldn’t afford them, but straight up why would production not pay for it?? Also, the second Bryan realized it was her treat, he full on lays her down in this watch store and makes out with her. I felt so bad for this poor watch jeweler whatever you call his profession person that must have just jumped out of his seat so fast so as not to watch these horn dogs go at it simply because of a watch purchase. She says that 30 years from now, they could be talking about being in Geneva and buying their watches and she’s not scared of Bryan falling in love with her! Omg. They head out on this really beautiful boat, but I genuinely don’t know why they’re on it, we truly spend no time there. 

Back at the Hotel Royal, Adam and Matt chat about neither of them having gotten a one-on-one yet, but wanting to be the broom that sweeps her off her feet. In the other room, Peter is annoyed that Bryan got the first one-on-one “again”, whatever that means, and Dean does not see a future with Rachel and Bryan. He’s mostly worried that Bryan’s 37 and he’s spent so long sweet talking women and he’s gotten good at it. Fair point. 

Back to Rachel and Bryan who are already off the boat and now in some park, they talk about, essentially, their flaws in relationships. Or at least I think that’s what they were talking about. I rewound it like eight times and I still don’t understand the “flaws” that she and Bryan are talking about here. All I know is that Bryan says that she’s selling herself short and she tells him that she needs someone to prove her wrong. Wrong about what??

Quick cut back to the Hotel Royal to get the second date card: “Dean: Put on your Sunday best…Rachel” YES. Adam has no words and everyone says that this is confusing? Truly why? But also, Dean basically says he’d be very uncomfortable to bring Rachel home to meet his family. Yikes. 

Bryan and Rachel show up to this absolutely stunning place which I think is a theater of some kind, but might also be a church. They sit down to dinner and Rachel basically wants to find out how Bryan is still single and how he grew up - he tells her that his mom was afraid he was going to be a bad kid, so she put him in an all boys’ school. She also went to private school, but hers was co-ed, then immediately he asks what her uniform looked like. SUBTLE, BRY. We also find out, I think, that the only time Rachel has had her heart broken was with Nick, which I found very interesting. Speaking of Nick, I told you guys I’d tell you how I ran into Mr. Viall last weekend. Well, the story is not very exciting, but I was at this panel with Reality TV producers, including a producer from The Bachelor franchise, and he brought Nick as a “special guest” to talk about being a “talent” on one of these shows. Whitney Port was also there, which may have been more exciting to me, but she was announced, so I was ready for her. I’m not going to go into major detail, but I must say, Nick came off as a relatively normal and humble human in this panel thing and generally seemed to know what he was doing always when he was on those shows. I mean, he was on 4 seasons, so if he hadn’t figured it out by then, it would have been concerning, but he actually was very nice and kind of shied away from people who thought he was a celebrity. Though, there was absolutely no mention of Vanessa even for a second. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Alright, back to the current season: Bryan tells this story about this girl that he broke up with because of his mom. Thats basically the whole story. He’s a little bit scared of his hometowns because of that experience, but Rachel seems cool with that. She says that the more she gets to know Bryan, the harder she falls for him and then of course he gets the rose. IMMEDIATELY, an entire string section starts playing from the boxes of this theater, like they had to have been there the whole time and I’m sure it was just insanely awkward. They kiss a lot, as always, but the sound effects were WAY turned up for this scene. Bryan says that Rachel is the perfect match for him and she feels like she’s in a fairytale whenever she’s with him. I love how much she clearly loves Bryan, but I’m still not 100% sold on him. Perhaps I never will be. 

Next up is Dean and he’s so cute in his Sunday best! I love Dean so much, it’s a problem. They’re weirdly going to Catholic mass that will be in French even though neither of them are Catholic nor do either of them speak French? They show like a second of the mass and then they literally crash the post-mass gathering and like steal their bad coffee and pastries? All seems to be a set up for them to meet these people who have been married for 40 years, but that’s literally all we know about them. They try to play off this date by Rachel saying that she wants someone who shares her values and who honors and respects her faith. I mean, yes, for sure, but I feel like they could have done this in truly any other way. The two of them dance around the streets a little bit and just wander around Geneva and they for real talk about nothing. Rachel wanted today to deepen their relationship, but Dean keeps saying in his confessional that he’s absolutely terrified to bring her home and she’dhave no idea what she’d walk into when she goes home. At one point, she tries to force him to just be a normal person that talks and instead he just wants to know if she believes in the tooth fairy and what her favorite dinosaur is. Pissed we never got the answer to those questions, though. He never really opens up, though, and she’s worried that their relationship lacks depth. Same. 

Back at the stunningly average Hotel Royal, the third and final one-on-one date card shows up. “Peter: We’re at the peak of our relationship…Rachel”. YES. Eric is scared because the three guys who have gotten one-on-ones have been consistent names for the whole season. I’m genuinely rooting for Eric at this point to just be the positive, fun person he was on his one-on-one. Also, I’m hella excited to see Peter’s one-on-one. 

Rachel and Dean head to dinner which is in this weird hybrid catacomb/Buca di Beppo? He toasts to building on what they already have, which she loves, but she tells him that his date was planned so they could get to know each other, but the date was straight up weird. He agrees and reveals that it was a weird day and he really, really likes her, but it’s hard to put himself out there knowing that he could get crushed. Then, finally, he opens up about how weird he feels about the potential hometown date - he tells her that his family is not going to be the family that she wants to see. Basically, his dad became pretty eccentric after his mom died and he really doesn’t have a good relationship with his family. Essentially, he’s scared because he knows how important family is to her, and he’s heard these other guys talking about how excited they are to bring her home and he just cannot at all relate to that. He, like, really goes for it describing his relationship with his dad and says that he’s quite eccentric and has had absolutely no bearing on his emotional experience. Geez. He wishes Rachel could meet the family he had from birth to age 15, not the family he’s had since his mom died. I gotta give it up to Rachel - that’s a super daunting thing to respond to, but she says that she’s good, she already has a family that she loves, she’s not looking for a family exactly like hers and she’s open to a dysfunctional family. She said that she saw him for who he is and that made her like him even more so he gets the rose and CAN WE GIVE IT UP TO DEAN FOR BEING PROBABLY THE BEST KISSER THIS SEASON? I mean, damn. 

Peter is next and I’m TRILLED. He truly hasn’t had significant time since week 2 and I’m here for it. He runs over to her standing next to a helicopter and picks her up and I LOVE IT. They take a little helicopter ride through the alps and it’s just the most stunning thing ever. I also love that she tells him that not only was he the first one-on-one, but he’s the last. YES. Do we call them one-on-ones post hometowns? Because they’re just dates at that point, yes? She mentions that he’s made her miss him and long for him and I MISS HIM AND LONG FOR HIM TOO, RACH. They end up flying to Glacier 3000, which is a super, like, tech-y name for a natural ice formation. They go on a dog sled and I WANT TO PLAY WITH THE DOGS. They seriously love to cuddle and I love to watch them cuddle - for some reason the producers made them get off the dog sled and sit mid-snow storm which truly nothing around them. I’m not even sure if they’re sitting on a blanket or not, but Rach looks SUPER COLD. Peter opens up and says that there have been some pretty dark days during this whole thing and, to be honest, he’s thought about leaving a few times which scares the shit out of her. Honestly, same. They go to dinner in this weird like Anastasia looking set and Peter toasts to their future - he also says that he fully plans on bringing her home. Now, before we get into the nitty gritty, I have to say that Peter scares me just as much as he’s scaring Rachel on this date. Clearly these two are crazy into each other, but is Peter straight up scared of commitment??? I did not get that feeling from him until this date, and I don’t think Rachel did either. Yikes. Anyway, he explains that when he brings her home, she’ll meet his mom, who will talk the most, and his dad, who he goes to for life advice. In his mind, there’s no question that she’ll like his family and that they’ll love her. Also, he’s never dated a black girl. She asks him about the last girl that he brought home to meet his family and then he just fully moves on to a completely different story? He gets emotional saying that he feels like he abandoned his last girlfriend who he seemingly lived with and he watched her crying in the rearview mirror when he drove away - uhh, Peter, that was so far from being an answer to the question that Rach asked, but okay. At least we know that he was making this other random girl cry and he was blaming himself, not making Rachel cry as it seemed from the preview. He is, at least to my knowledge, the first guy to bring up the proposal and all he can say is that he thinks he can open up his heart again to loving someone, but if he’s not feeling like he’s absolutely sure, he’s not going to propose. Oof. 

Back at the Swiss Hampton Inn aka the Hotel Royal, Adam just doesn’t want Peter to come back from the date. The final date card arrives - “Eric, Matt, Adam: Tomorrow will be difficult. I don’t know what else to say…Rachel”. I mean, fully worse than the punny date cards because this one is just depressing AF. Also, Adam just doesn’t like the word “difficult”. Who cares. 

Back to Peter and Rachel, Peter wants to know what Rachel’s biggest wall is - she says that it’s that she’s scared to be vulnerable enough to let someone affect her feelings. For some reason, at this point, she starts comparing her relationship with the others, which I definitely don’t want her to do, but also, can we really fault her? This guy is all of a sudden a commitment-phobe. Regardless, she tells him that it would be an honor to go to his hometown and gives him the rose. He even tells her that he’s “definitely along the love path”. As much as I love Peter, that’s a straight up line, right? Nevertheless, she says that she has time to figure out whether or not he’s ready and that he’s definitely worth the risk. She’s right, though, if he didn’t want to, he wouldn’t have accepted the rose, he’s been very honest today, if he wasn’t feeling it, he wouldn’t have taken it. But then she says that she sees a future with him and that his hometown could become her hometown - YAY!

Finally the group date - Eric says that he’s not comfortable in this setting while Adam thinks that his relationship is stronger than anyone else’s in the house. Lol. Apparently, they’re out of things to do in Geneva because they’re going to France for this date? Rachel goes on to describe her relationship with these three guys: Adam is someone she’s always had a good time with, Eric and her have had some bumps in the road, but she loved their one-on-one, and she has a soft spot for Matt who she thinks is a good, down to earth guy. They get to France and go to this weird castle place that they’re apparently not allowed to go inside of and Adam gives the single most grating toast on planet earth - he says that he doesn’t like the word “difficult” and prefers “challenging” and that he wants the three of them to make her decision as easy as possible today. Gross. Following the world’s longest toast, they literally all sit in silence and then Rachel grabs not Adam and talks to Eric. He tells her that he can see in her face that it’s been a long week and he wants to be a shoulder for her to lean on. He tells her that she makes him happy and it hasn’t always been like that. Then he goes on to give the most motivational and moving speech and I needed it just as much as Rachel - he says that she’s so strong and that she deserves to be and has every right to be selfish in this journey. Then he toasts to it being hard, but being worth it and I LOVE IT. Eric has taken all of us on quite a roller coaster, but he truly just might be one of the nicest guys ever, I love him. He says that he’s not afraid anymore and he wants her to give herself credit for leading a life that has led up to this moment. UGH, YES, SHE DESERVES IT. She and Matt sit down and talk about how crazy this whole thing has been and how everything has happened so fast. He admits that in this situation, you either have to buy in or not, but he’s really thankful he rolled the dice on this. I can’t be the only one in America who, at this point, was like, OH SHIT, MATT’S AMAZING. But, immediately, she starts crying and saying that he reminds her of herself which is why it’s so hard to let him go, but other relationships have moved past theirs. I do think she’s right, though: had they met outside of this situation and had time to cultivate a relationship, they’d probably be an awesome couple. That’s gotta be a shitty thing to hear: Oh yeah, we’d be perfect for each other off screen. LIKE DUDE THAT’S THE HOPE. But they walk out together, he with champagne flute still in hand and they kiss goodbye and he says that he still wants the best for her and CAN MATT BE THE NEXT BACHELOR???

So, that leaves Adam and Eric to have this weird two-on-one dinner thing, which I don’t think has ever happened because even on two-on-ones, the one that’s leaving goes home before dinner. She walks in and says that she still doesn’t know if it’s going to be Adam or Eric. Lol. She talks to Adam first who is hella cocky this whole night even though no one knows why. She tells him that she could see herself falling in love with him which is why he’s still here. We find out that at some point he told her that a part of himself was falling in love with her, which she wants clarification on, but doesn’t really get. He basically says that he clams up if he’s in a relationship where feelings are reciprocated, buuuut that doesn’t really answer the question. The one thing I do like about him is that he says that he always wants to write her a note or send her a text in the interim of their dates, which I think is like the most normal thing anyone’s ever said. Like, he is a sweet guy and she does seem to care about him, but I just do not see them being a good match. Granted, we’ve seen approximately 30 seconds of their chemistry, but I just don’t fully buy it. She talks with Eric who reveals that it would be his first time ever bringing home a girl. He then goes on to tell her about how hard it was for him growing up - he lived in Baltimore and had tons of family members go to the streets or get involved in drugs and many of his family are in jail. He’s never even seen his mom and dad together. Through all of that, though, he had to figure out life on his own, so he uses positivity to hide the pain. Rachel rightfully asks who takes care of Eric, though? Dude, this question got me so emotional, I felt it so deeply. He says that that’s why he’s here - he’s good at helping people, but he’s here to find someone that helps him. I LOVE ERIC. Finally, the three of them sit down and she explains that today was really hard for her, but all she can do is go with her gut - so, the final rose goes to Eric. YES. Bai, Adam! You’re probably sweet, but I just don’t care that much! Except for when he leaves he says that she made a massive mistake, like, no dude. I love that she says goodbye to Adam and then goes to talk to Eric and cries and is vulnerable in front of him. Even though she’s super emotional, she tells Eric that it’s a pleasure for her to go home and meet his family. She ends by saying that she is so humbled by this entire experience and she feels like it’s really happening for her. AMERICA IS THRILLED, RACH!

Coming up on The Bachelorette: Rachel’s in a vineyard! Eric loves Rachel! There’s a hot air balloon! Holy shit, Dean’s dad is way more eccentric than I think anyone could have thought, Peter’s mom says he’s not necessarily ready for marriage, and surprise, we know that Bryan is going to meet her family. SO MUCH DRAMA, I CAN’T WAIT.