Y’ALL. I mean, I don’t think we were at all ready for this hometown episode. I’m still recovering and I watched it more than 3 days ago. I said to one of my friends that I earnestly believe that any of the four remaining guys would be good choices for Rachel – or maybe I wrote it in my last recap? Y’all just feel like my friends at this point. DEAL WITH IT. Well, I hate to say it, but I kinda think I’m rescinding that and it might not be the person you’d expect. LET’S DO IT.

First hometown is in Baltimore, MD with Eric and I am so irrationally excited. I don’t think I’ve correctly identified my love for Eric. Like I genuinely think that he deserves nothing but happiness in this life and I think that was further evidenced with this date. They meet up in the middle of the city and he’s so genuinely excited, I can’t help but be pumped, too. He’s a motivational speaker, according to his Instagram, and he’s fully motivated me this season without even directly talking to me. I’m fully that person that sees an Instagram post that says like “GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER” and then that night I go to The Container Store. Eric’s personality is my sappy Instagram post. They go and just cuddle on a bench for awhile and Eric tells her that they’re in the part of the city that was not where he grew up – he’s going to show her the real Baltimore and damn, does he. They drive around for awhile and he’s driving and just something about when the guys are driving the Bachelorette really gets me. THEY ARE BEING HER MEN. I just love it. They pass through what otherwise didn’t seem like a super rough neighborhood, that is, until Eric told us they were currently witnessing a drug deal. They end up at this basketball court that he always used to play at when he was a kid and they play for awhile – I know Rachel is a superhero at this point because she’s flawlessly playing in a 3.5 inch heel. Rachel says that she loves that Eric is the type of guy that seizes the day and YES THAT’S EXACTLY HOW I’D DESCRIBE HIM. His friend Ralph shows up to chat and he tells Rachel that the last time that Eric brought home a girl was prom. LOL. But I straight up love Ralph. He uses his time basically to just say how proud he is of Eric and SAME, I’M JUST SO PROUD OF HIM, HE’S THE NICEST MAN. Ralph leaves and now is the super weird part of the date that seemed entirely scripted: Rachel and Eric basically have the exact same conversation they had last week about Eric always taking care of everyone, but who’s going to be the one that can take care of him? I do love that he says that all of the women in his family are strong and always said they didn’t need anyone or any help, so that was the same approach he took in his life. BUT, and that’s a big but (LOL), he’s open to letting Rachel help him. Good. Before they leave to meet the family, Rachel says that it’s just now hitting her that she’s the first girl that he’s ever brought home. Am I the only one that just doesn’t think this is that big of a deal? I mean, if he had before and it had gone well, great, it’ll go just as well for her; if it went poorly, great, that girl clearly wasn’t the best. CHILL, RACH. They drive over to his Aunt’s apartment and Rachel is freaking out, but they walk in and this whole family cheers SO LOUD. Like actually so excited that Eric is home and so excited that Rachel is here. Rachel even says that she felt at home 10 seconds after walking in. SAME. Eric and Rachel walk the family through their “journey” so far – first, I had totally forgotten that he was one of the four guys on ATFR and they danced, so the whole family recreates the dance. Also, was anyone else melting as much as I was when they were so excited that he’s gotten to go to 5 different countries?! Like, these people are the most supportive people of this man and this situation. I love it. OMG, BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I LOVE AUNT VERNA. Okay, so Aunt Verna sits down with Rachel and IS IT JUST ME OR DO RACHEL AND AUNT VERNA HAVE THE MOST NATURAL CHEMISTRY OF ALL TIME?!?!??!? So, immediately Verna wants to know how Rachel has been dealing with being the first black Bachelorette – she says that she was not prepared, and nothing really would have prepared her, to be the first black bachelorette. But, she says, love doesn’t have a color, so she’s not all that concerned about it. This is the first time in this episode that she says she has to be selfish in order to get what she wants. Rachel asks Aunt Verna if Eric is ready to commit and Verna laughs because OF COURSE Eric is ready to commit. I fully believe Aunt Verna. CAN WE GET AUNT VERNA A SPIN OFF PLEASE WHERE SHE JUST OFFERS ADVICE TO WOMEN? While Verna and Rachel are having the most easy conversation of all time, Eric and his mom sit down and talk about how Eric knows that Rachel is the one. He doesn’t give a very specific answer, but he does trash all the people that keep telling him that love hurts – he says who cares because that’s life and life hurts. COME ON, PERSPECTIVE. He really full on addresses the fact that he did not always feel love from his mom, which you absolutely have to respect. His mom says that all of the men in his life who ended up on the streets or in jail got so much love from their mothers and look where it got them, so her version of loving him was to keep her distance. She said she did that so he could become the man that he was designed to come. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS CONVERSATION. They’ve clearly addressed this before and are just completely talking openly about their past. THIS IS THE KIND OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THAT JUST SEEMS GREAT AND WE DON’T SEE ENOUGH OF IT. He even says that he shut the door on what was missing with his mom so he could open up his heart to find love. And he still loves her unconditionally! UGH, I LOVE IT. Rachel sits down with Eric’s mom next and his mom tells Rachel that she’s never seen Eric like this before – Rachel tells her that Eric challenges her and that they’ve already come through some low points, but they’ve talked about things and have always come out stronger on the other side. Meanwhile, Eric and his dad talk about how Rachel is everything that Eric wants in a wife. Now this, this concerns me. I love Eric and I do genuinely think that he loves Rachel, but I also feel like she’s just the first girl that has made him feel like this, so he’s putting a lot of pressure on her. I mean, I still love him, I’m just a little concerned about that particular comment. Anyway, his dad apologizes for all the things that he put him through and tells him that he’s proud of him. I’M CRYING. Eric says that when he was 15 years old, he decided he would do something different with his life, so in a weird way, I think he’s thankful to his dad for that. Then comes my favorite exchange ever where his dad asks him what’s next from here and Eric is just like, “From here, I’m trying to shut it down.” “Oh, okay.” Goddamnit, I love watching men have serious conversations. Finally, the family sits down to dinner and Eric toasts to some doors closing, but that meaning other doors are opening, and finally he toasts to all the people there that made him who he is. IT’S TRULY SO TOUCHING, I’M CRYING AGAIN. So Rachel and Eric leave and he tells her outside that all day he’s been thinking about it and then he tells her he loves her! And that means that he cares about her well-being and what she does in life! Okay, way to really dampen the love, Eric. I mean, it’s sweet, but even Rachel is like, “uhhhh, he didn’t really tell me he’s in love with me. Tru. BUT, she reeaaallllly likes Eric and says that every time she’s around him, their relationship gets stronger and stronger.

Alrighty, next we head to Miami for Bryan’s hometown – Rachel says that Miami, much like Bryan, is hot, steamy, sexy, and speaks to you in Spanish. Mmk. Before we can go any further WHAT is Bryan’s shirt? A gradient red to black golfing shirt???? I’m NOT A FAN. So, their first stop is to play dominos at this domino park – apparently Rachel loves dominos? I recently did an escape room with a puzzle that involved dominos, but it’s been legit YEARS since I’ve played – is this a common game for today’s youths?? Basically, this whole part of their date is an excuse for Bryan to prove that he’s bilingual. WE GET IT. They leave and go eat arepas, which I’m jealous about, then they end up at this place called “Ball & Chain” and dance for a while. It’s all going well until they PHYSICALLY COLLIDE and I’m a bit worried about her skull and his chin. They sit in this little terrace thing so entangled and PDA-like, I’m not super into it. She’s super worried because the last time that he brought someone home to meet his family, they ended up breaking up because of his mom. Now that’s something to actually be nervous about, Rach. He is kinda skeezy and says that he’s obsessed with making her smile and then of course they make out for awhile and they end it by him whispering, “THOSE LIPS!”. NO. They head to his house and Bryan forces Rachel to group hug with him and his mom? I would immediately flee. But I love that his mom is just instantly crying. That would be me for sure. The whole family, who is his mom and his dad and then some random girl I don’t think we find out who she is? I only say she’s random because he’s already told Rachel he’s an only child, so WHO THIS GIRL BE? Anyway, the whole family does a shot, but his mom does it so slowly, it’s insane. Bryan and his mom sit down first and he tells her that he thinks Rachel is the one and clearly his mom is not that into it. His mom even asks him why he’s had so much time to go out with all these girls, but he fell in love with a girl on a show??? I love his mom, she’s just like “THIS IS WEIRD, BRYAN”. Fair point. She tells him that he and Rachel just need time to get to know each other. Definitely true. Rachel and random girl sit down and random girl tells Rachel that the aforementioned girlfriend was threatened by Bryan’s relationship with his mom and wanted Bryan all to herself. That girl sounds a little cray. Rachel and Bryan’s mom sit down next and Rachel literally goes through a laundry list of things that she likes about Bryan: she likes that he’s open, honest, secure, and confident. She’s also never had a guy treat her the way that Bryan treats her. Hmm. Fair assessment. His mom warns Rachel that if they choose to move forward, she’d not only be marrying Bryan, but she’d be marrying his family. YES. Then she literally says “if he’s happy, I’m happy, if not, I’ll kill you”. Rachel BURSTS out laughing, I mean, truly what else can you do? Bryan’s mom says that she could see in Rachel’s eyes that she’s a good person and that it was a pleasure to meet her! I mean, PHEW. His mom tells them that the morning of their date, she went to church and prayed that Bryan would find someone to take care of him when she’s gone. I mean, wow, such a downer. Bryan and Rachel walk out and he finally tells her that he’s in love with her and she, like, textbook melts. It’s sweet. I think America all agrees that Rachel is showing her preference right now and like, there’s nothing wrong with Bryan, we’re all just trying to figure out if he’s going to end up being a huge douche. For her sake, I hope not.

MADISON, WISCONSIN! YES. FINALLY. Okay, so Rachel and Peter meet up and they love each other and it’s v cute. They spend their day at truly the most public place ever – the farmer’s market – and instantly Rachel says that she’s concerned that Peter isn’t ready to get married. They walk around for awhile and get honey sticks – are honey sticks a thing everywhere? I got really excited because I thought maybe it was a Wisconsin thing, but surely just sticks of honey can’t be exclusive to the Dairy State. Rachel feeds him pickles and they buy some Bleeding Hearts. Cute! They end up at this bar, which was apparently the place he and his friends went the night before he left to be on the show. Cute! A few of his friends show up – seems like two guys and their wives – and we find out that apparently Peter earnestly told Rachel that he has a group of 10 friends and 8 out of 10 of them are black! WOW, CONGRATS, PETER! Even his friends are like, DUDE, YOU DON’T JUST TELL HER THAT. It does seem like these friends are there just to prove to Rachel that he doesn’t care about race. Okay, so like, he’s a normal person? The other purpose of the friends seems to be that they think of Peter as goofy and corny, but Rachel hasn’t seen that side yet. He asks if he can have some “guy time” with the guys and he and his two guys head to the bar and leave Rachel with these women. Mmk. At the bar he tells his friends that he’s nervous because he has no idea what their relationship would be like outside of this scenario. He also says that he only wants to get engaged once, which is why he’s super scared. One of his friends just straight up tells him not to fuck it up. YES. Okay, so you’ve all been wondering which of the four of them I think maybe aren’t perfect for Rachel anymore. I think, unfortunately, it might be Peter. I KNOW, I KNOW. Look, I love Peter, and I want nothing more than for Rachel and Peter to fall in love and have beautiful gap toothed babies, but it has to be painfully obvious to everyone that he just so does not want to get married, right?! I’ve had so many conversations with friends this week about how Peter is the guy that everyone dates that seems absolutely perfect, except for the fact that he’s essentially gaslighting you for the whole relationship and makes you feel like a crazy person. I HOPE I’M WRONG, I REALLY DO, but I’m concerned. So, they leave his friends and go to Cottage Grove to go to his parents’ house – they walk in and the whole family is sitting on the couch that is in the home of at least one of your friend’s places in Wisconsin. It was definitely purchased from Steinhafel’s, and the convenience of separate recliners and cup holders within the couch is too good to pass up for the average Wisconsin family. Rachel gets to meet his parents, his sister, and his niece! OMG, his niece is so absolutely precious and Peter is so good with her, like I’m melting. Peter immediately launches into this story of grabbing Rachel’s ass on their first date. I just did not expect that from him, but interesting. Okay, so Rachel sits down with Peter’s sister and his sister says that Peter wears his heart on his sleeve? UMMMMMM, LITERALLY COULDN’T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. Rachel tells his sister that she’s concerned that Peter is moving too slow. Meanwhile, Peter sits down with his mom and his mom tells him that she can sense the chemistry between them. I mean, she’s right, they for sure, for sure have chemistry. Peter tells his mom that he thinks he’s ready to get engaged. Hmm. I do love that his mom says she’ll be supportive of whatever decision feels right to him. So Rachel and his mom sit down and his mom asks her what she wants her life to look like in 4 years. Okay, so 1. Weird time frame for her to ask about. 2. HOLY SHIT, RACHEL WANTS MORE THAN 1 KID WITHIN THESE NEXT 4 YEARS?! Like she is NOT messing around. Then, WOOF, his mom tells Rachel that she totally thinks Peter is ready to start a family and that he’s ready for a commitment, but she doesn’t totally think that he’s ready to get engaged. I mean, YIKES. Rachel, rightfully, is like, “uhhh, I’m not tryna leave here with just a boyfriend”. So Peter walks her out after they all have dinner and he tells her that he was “sold” after the day date. I’M SORRY, WAS RACHEL SUPPOSED TO BE SELLING HERSELF ALL DAY?!?!?! LIKE NO, DUDE, SHE GETS TO BE SOLD ON YOU, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. He then tells her that he wants to continue to spend time with her and see how it goes and that he wants to leave it at “I’m very happy!” UM. Rachel and I are both like, ‘WTF DOES THAT MEAN, PETER?!?!?!?!!?” Peter, buddy, at some point you gotta get your life together and not be afraid to tell this woman that you love her. I mean GEEZ.

OKAY. IT’S TIME PEOPLE. Y’all. I’m still not ready for this date to happen and it happened months ago and then was finally broadcast this week. Time for Dean. Okay. Let’s process this together. First of all, I’m constantly surprised that Dean is tall. He has a short looking head, does he not? Dean tells Rachel that he hasn’t seen his father in two years, so he’s really nervous about this date, but before they do that, they’re going on ATVs! How fun! Rachel is terrified of this, clearly, and is driving just at a snail’s pace. We find out, though, that she refers to Dean as her “beautiful surprise”. I’M CRYING. They sit down and have a picnic in a field, which I think the two of them have done like eight times already this season, and she says that she and him are very similar in that they’re not very expressive with their feelings. True. He tells her that this will be the first time in 8 years that his whole family will be together – she’ll be meeting his brothers Brad and Ross, as well as his sister Sky, as well as his dad who is a converted Sikh who now goes by “Paramrup” (Sincere apologies if I’m completely and totally spelling wrong), a name he gave himself, and his wife Suntantar (again, apologies). I mean, I think I speak for America when I say that we just fully had no idea this would be Dean’s family. Rachel asks Dean why he hasn’t talked to his dad in the last 2 years and Dean retorts with why it’s his responsibility to talk to his dad. He says that he’s never ben able to shake the fact that his father abandoned him. Rachel encourages him to address this with his dad – basically Dean has never flat out told his dad that he felt abandoned. I hope he does it, too. So, they walk up to Dean’s dad’s house and Dean says that he’s “legitimately terrified” – I think all of Bachelor Nation wanted to reach through the screen and give Dean a hug. Rachel acts as our surrogate and does it for us. So they walk in and the entire family is sitting on the floor and IMMEDIATELY it’s a weird vibe. Watching Dean experience this is truly so uncomfortable. Dean’s dad says that he wants to play the gong for the whole family, so they all lay down with their heads faced a certain direction and he plays the gong for them. Rachel says the energy felt good to her, but Dean is clearly just not on board with any of this. Dean’s dad then gives this speech about the gift that he’s giving to Dean and Rachel – Dean’s mom loved feathers and said that after she died, feathers would be the way that the family could still connect to her. So, he offers the two of them a “Debbie Feather” and it is honestly so touching and beautiful. Dean doesn’t like it, but Rachel and I are both like, this is actually so beautiful. They eat dinner which is apparently very healthy and contains mung beans – Dean just refuses to eat the food and says he ate before he got there. Then. Dude. Dean asks to talk to his dad alone. Omg. So. They sit alone in the house on the floor and Dean’s dad says that he’s happy Dean is doing something he loves to do. Dean asks “What’s that?” Dean’s dad says “hanging out with beautiful women”. Oof. His dad is also happy that Dean is speaking from an energy center. I’m anxious just writing about this. Okay, so while that’s happening, Rachel and Dean’s sister Sky talk about Dean – Sky tells Rachel that Dean and their dad just have never talked about what happened after their mom died. His sister starts to cry and tells Rachel that she admires Dean for always being so strong because she’s always been so weak. It’s so beautiful to see. We go back inside where shit’s about to get real. Dean asks his dad if he feels like he’s been fulfilling things as a father and brings up arguments the two of them had while Dean was still in high school. He tells his dad that he felt abandoned and that he’s still mad about things that happened when he was a kid and then Dean’s dad says that he just doesn’t understand what he’s mad about because he has no idea what it’s like to be Dean. Woof. My god, that was like a knife in the heart. His dad explains that he did everything he could to make the best life for his family and that after his wife died, he was so angry that he didn’t have the person that was working on creating a wonderful family life for his kids. They start to fight a little more and it gets too much that Dean’s dad says that there is no need to carry on the conversation because they’re not going to agree about anything. But, Dean brings up that they’ve never been able to have this conversation, but then his dad says that in every relationship, the other person is always “you” so Dean is actually just mad at himself and that there’s nothing for them to work through? DUDE, I GOT SO MAD RIGHT NOW. We do find out that Dean’s grandfather also abandoned his son, which makes a lot of sense. Dean tells his dad that he loves him regardless, but his dad just full on walks out. It’s so not what any of us hoped. I still have so many emotions about it. His dad walks outside, throws his drink, and then Rachel approaches him to ask if they can talk – he says “if you must”. OOF. They sit down by this fire and Rachel wants him to know that they have something special and that Dean’s an incredible man. His dad says that Rachel’s only relationship with him (Dean’s dad) is through Dean and then he doesn’t really finish that thought – he wishes her blessings, and he’d be happy to get to know her more if this goes further, but he’s really done. My god. Rachel walks back in to find Dean laying on the floor trying to process everything – Dean tells Rach that he’s falling in love with her and she responds by telling him the same, that she’s falling in love with him, too. He sits and cries and they lay there for awhile and then it’s over. I’m truly so exhausted by all of this. It was physically, emotionally, everything draining to watch. Definitely the most dramatic hometown of all time and Chris Harrison didn’t even tease it as such! I feel like that would have been a cheap description of it, though. I’m glad it’s over, and it was certainly riveting to watch, but damn.

Okay, finally time for the rose ceremony – this time they’re back in Dallas and Rachel says that the only clarity she has is that she has feelings for all four men and SHE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM. SAME, RACH. Chris Harrison weirdly shows up to her hotel room and they have a chat on this couch and she tells him that she’s not doing well. She didn’t think she’d be at the point where she felt this strongly about four different men. She then proceeds to recap the hometowns for Chris – she’s worried it’s just infatuation with Eric, Bryan is so self aware, Peter is probably not ready for a commitment, and Dean has too many feelings right now and he doesn’t know what to do with any of them. She starts crying and I start crying again and Chris tells her that she’s doing well in all of this. Again, she says that she hates how selfish she feels, especially because her selfishness is at the expense of other people. So, I’m an ISFJ, in case anyone was wondering, and there was this Thought Catalogue article about each Myers-Briggs Type’s worst nightmare and mine was “everyone is fighting and it’s all your fault” and THAT’S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS SCENARIO, TOO. I’M SO STRESSED. Finally, the guys are all brought in one by one and, again, I’m shocked by Dean’s height and in walks Rachel. She tells the guys that she’s a place where she’s feeling love and that this week was really hard for her. To the person she has to say goodbye to, she is so sorry and she believes that this person is an absolutely amazing person. Okay, here we go. Congrats to: Bryan, Eric, and Peter. NO. GODDAMNIT. NO, RACH, YOU CAN’T SEND DEAN HOME. UGH I’M SO PISSED THAT I WOULD HAVE HAD THIS REACTION TO LITERALLY ANY OF THEM. Well, except for Bryan, but we all knew that wasn’t going to happen. She walks him out and he’s incredibly stoic and all he really wants to know is why she told him that she was falling in love with him. She tells him that she meant everything she said, but he’s such a goddamn standup guy and just, like, tells her she’s an awesome person and he hopes she finds what she’s looking for. HE’S SO SAD AND SHOCKED AND CONFUSED AND I’M JUST RIGHT THERE WITH HIM. UGH. He climbs in the car and he’s super angry and BYE DEAN, WE’LL MISS YOUUUU! Thankfully, and I mean thankfully, we now know that he’ll be on Bachelor in Paradise, and I’m thrilled to know who they set him up with in the beginning, but for any purists out there, I won’t reveal my knowledge. HOPEFULLY, he’s still in the running for the Bachelor and/or is still dating the woman I hope he is. UGH.

Next week on The Bachelorette: they’re going to Spain! Eric’s never been in love! Peter’s just not there yet! Rachel is frustrated with the weird energy and she’s walking around crying without any makeup on! I CANNOT WAIT.