What a weird week. Oh, I mean to say it was BORING. Other than the last 2 minutes of the episode, like truly why? Also it’s VERY MUCH stressing me out that we only have one week left and still have to get through Bryan’s one-on-one, a rose ceremony, the final 2 dates, and then the proposal all in 2 hours?!?!?!??! HOW. Anyway, we’ve got a ton of weird stuff to get through, let’s get to it. 

Okay, so first weird thing is that they’re in Dallas? My brain heard that and was like “Oh, that’s normal, waiiiiiiiiiittttt”. I totally forgot that the guys are not supposed to be meeting the parents yet. Apparently, Rachel’s sister is 8 months pregnant so she can’t travel meaning they have to push up the meetings to now and the family has to deal with a whole extra guy. Interesting. Also, the guys typically just don’t even see each other except at Rose Ceremonies after hometowns. MY WHOLE WORLD IS THROWN OFF. So, the men are hanging out in this hotel room that I thought was the same they had been in previously, but no, that one I was thinking of was fully on another continent - who knew the interior design in Dallas and Copenhagen would be so similar?! Rachel walks in and addresses the weirdness with the guys and truly all three of them are just not into it at all. Especially Peter. But Peter’s up first so he’s gotta get over it very quickly. Peter and Rachel head out and leave Eric and Bryan there - two guys who clearly wouldn’t hang out outside this experience - and Bryan tells Eric that he hopes Peter sets the bar really low. Yeah, okay, Bry. Peter and Rachel head to a baby store to buy a little present for Rachel’s soon-to-be nephew and his already older brother Allister (sp?). AHH I LOVE BABY SHOPPING. Peter loves it though and says that he absolutely loves matching baby clothes. Rachel steers him into buying something with stripes because her sister, Constance, loves stripes and then we just fully don’t get to see what they ended up buying?!?!?!!??! I WANT TO SEE THE CUTE LIL OUTFITS. While they’re shopping, Peter says in his confessional that he regrets saying some things and regrets not saying some things. He basically admits that when it was down to him and Dean at the rose ceremony, he freaked the eff out and it made him sad and upset to think that he wouldn’t have the chance to talk to Rachel again. 

We quickly cut back to the hotel with Eric and Bryan and Bryan reveals that Peter has told him that he doesn’t necessarily want to propose. Eric is absolutely FLABBERGASTED and wants to know Peter’s “protocol” for being here. Also, Bryan is worried that he or Eric is going to go home before someone who doesn’t want the same things that they do. I guess that’s fair. 

Peter and Rachel finally make it to her parents’ house which is STUNNING. Before they go in, Peter wants to talk to Rachel, so he has to put down the full FOREST he’s brought in the form of a bouquet for the family and finally open up. He tells Rachel that the last thing that he said to her on the stoop of his parents’ house was not what he meant - he tells her that she means the world to him and he wants her to have confidence going into this meeting and that HE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. AND SURPRISE SHE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM, TOO. AHHHHH. I will never get over his response to that: “Yeah, I kinda had a feeling that was true”. Dude. I’ve gone through so many ups and downs with Peter (and will continue to do so throughout this episode), but he’s got some balls to do this the second before he meets her family. Also, it’s like a smidge manipulative, but I can get past that. Okay, so Peter walks in and meets the whole family and they sit down for food and then Peter proceeds to talk, without a break, for the next 4 hours. Or so it seems. He tells the story of his parents meeting in Milwaukee and getting engaged a month later and then he talks about how Rachel looked the first time they met and then he talks about their first date and then the hometowns and then how he came to realize he was falling in love and PETER SHUT UP FOR A DAMN SECOND. We truly do so many cuts of the family, clearly listening intently, but unable to respond in any way. Who know Peter could be so chatty?! After what felt like an eternity, they’re finally free to split up and talk about feelings and stuff. Rachel and her sister Constance sit down and Constance agrees that Peter is handsome (obviously), but she’s skeptical and may even have more reservations than Rachel. Rachel tells her that Peter was like her last season - he’s the most reserved, but she’s not faulting him for that. Mostly, Constance wants to know if the guys are in the same space as her as far as wanting to get married and have kids. Meanwhile, Peter and Constance’s husband (YOU KNOW THE WHITE GUY THEY FLAUNTED LAST YEAR) sit down and actually this man is the most insightful human? He says to Peter that Rachel obviously can’t be a perfect person so he wants to know what Peter’s red flags for Rachel might be. He phrased it much more eloquently than I, but Peter kinda fumbles this question in my opinion - he says that he and Rachel haven’t had enough time together for him to know. Hmm. I don’t know about y’all, but I can give you someone’s red flags approximately 3 minutes after meeting them. I’m clearly a judgmental bitch, but WE CAN ALL READ PEOPLE PRETTY WELL. So, Rachel sits down with her mom and tells her that she feels even better about her relationship with Peter after hearing the story today of how he came to know he was falling in love, but she reveals that he’s told her he’s not positive that he wants to propose. CUT TO: Peter and Mrs. Lindsay talking now and she knows exactly what she’s doing. “So, why do you want to propose to Rachel?” *WINK WINK WINK WINK* “Uhhhhh, well actually, I don’t.” “I like that about you, Peter.” Abridged, but accurate. Peter says he’s not comfortable asking for her blessing until he knows for sure it’s what he wants to do and Mrs. Lindsay respects him for it. Can’t not be on board with that. Also, COPPER IS BACK. I’m thrilled. To close out the date, a yet to be introduced cousin tries to convince baby Allister that Peter’s name is “Winner”. THEY LOVE HIM. 

Eric is up next and both he and Rachel didn't sleep last night. Before they go to meet the family, Rachel wants to show Eric a little bit of Dallas - they go to the Reunion Tower, which I have been to for the following cool and not nerdy reason: there was a Jazz convention there in January of 2014 that I sang at with my vocal Jazz group! Almost as cool as The Bachelor Franchise! They sit down and have like wine and cheese or something in this tower and Eric says that he feels love for Rachel, but still needs to get acceptance from her family. Yes, true. Also, he hasn’t met a girlfriend’s family in over 7 years. 

Back at the hotel, Peter and Bryan fully hate each other. Like would actually rip each other to shreds if cameras were not pointed at them. Peter tells Bryan that he didn’t ask her parents for Rachel’s hand in marriage and Bryan says that he will. Peter thinks that’s ballsy and arrogant! Peter tells Bryan he doesn’t even want to be sitting next to him right now! HOW IS THIS THE MOST DRAMATIC PART OF THE EPISODE?!

Okay, back to Rachel and Eric - I really love their chemistry, but they’re not like the most in love people I’ve ever watched. Out of all of the guys, I do feel like she and Eric have the most open communication which I’m here for - Eric asks her what she sees in him and she doesn’t answer and I’m pissed. RARELY do we get to see the Bachelor or Bachelorette tell the other person what they like about him or her. They both love that every time they’re together, they build in their relationship even though I’m a little bit worried every week that Rachel is just teaching Eric how to be in a relationship. I mean, she’s doing a great job, he’s really picking it up quickly, but they’re not exactly on equal footing in this relationship. So, they meet up at her parents’ house and instantly it seems like the whole family really vibes with Eric - they talk about him being on ATFR and his dance again, and Eric tells everyone that he grew up in an unstructured home. Also, he just fully brings up kind of unprompted that he hasn’t been in a relationship for 2 years and that relationship was only for 8 months? Like this would literally never come up in a traditional setting. Constance is worried that Eric and Rachel are not on the same level relationship wise - same - and this is further exasperated by Eric telling her that he’s never been in love. He also fully says that he loves Rachel, but he’s not in love with her. Honestly, he and Constance have a really good conversation and Constance leaves a little relieved to hear the Eric wants to settle down and provide for Rachel. I mean, I’m just on Eric’s side here - you all know by love for Eric and even though I just don’t think Rachel is the right fit for him right now, like he’s just the best and I want nothing but eternal happiness for him. Then comes my favorite interaction ever, partially because Eric is just such a serious person, it makes his sincerity hilarious - he sits down with Mrs. Lindsay and says full out, straight face, “I want to say congratulations to you and your husband for being together for 38 years. It’s a privilege to be in your presence.”. I MEAN, WHO ELSE IN THE WORLD COULD PULL THAT OFF SINCERELY. Eric goes on to explain everything that marriage means to him, which is, quite literally, everything, I mean the list is like 289 points long. He works up the courage and asks Mrs. Lindsay if he could have her permission to propose to Rachel and she replies by saying that she feels confident with Eric and would trust Rachel’s decision. SUCH A GOOD MOM MOVE. 

Alright, time for Bryan. Rachel walks into the hotel to grab him and Peter and Eric notice that they’re wearing their matching watches - Eric is right: if she hadn’t worn it, it wouldn’t have meant anything, but the fact that she did wear it means something. RACHEL, DON’T YOU KNOW AMERICA IS STILL ON THE FENCE?!?!?! They head out and Peter talks about Bryan’s fake cheeks. He’s got a point. So, before they head to meet the family, Rachel is bringing Bryan to brunch to meet a couple of her friends that were actually the ones that signed her up for The Bachelor. ALL OF AMERICA THANKS YOU, LADIES. But who in production set up this meeting place - the wind is NOT working with this. Basically her friends like that he’s 37 and is looking for something serious and they also say that Bryan has the same confidence that Rachel has. THEN IT’S REVEALED THAT RACHEL THOUGH BRYAN WAS A DOUCHEBAG. YES, SAME, RACH. I wish we could have actually gotten reactions from the friends without Bryan being there, like what do they actually think of him???? Bryan, of course, feels like it was a bit success with her friends and he’s going to make a great first impression with her family. Like, have some humility, dude, chill. So they walk in to meet the family and just INSTANTLY no one trusts him. Especially Constance. Bryan tells them that he wants to love the same woman over and over again for the rest of his life and Mrs. Lindsay just wants to know what happens if his mom and Rachel get in a fight, who would win? “Uhhh, I guess my wife???” YES, BRYAN, YOUR WIFE. Mrs. Lindsay asks again probably to see if she just caught him in a lie the first time and he takes an eternity and actually never answers, Rachel just answers for him. Rachel’s not into it, she feels like he’s getting unnecessarily grilled. No, Rach, he’s getting rightfully grilled because you seem unwilling to grill him yourself. They sit down to eat and Bryan says that he felt like Rachel was his girlfriend since day one and Constance is not having it. She says her gut is telling her that Bryan is a charmer and that he’s not sincere. Bryan sits down with Rachel’s uncle and her uncle asks what qualities Rachel brings out in him. Truly the best question. And yet, no good answer. Bryan walks away, it seems like to avoid the questions, but according to social media, it was to go talk to Rachel’s dad off-camera, and Rachel kinda yells at her family. She’s annoyed with all of them asking such pointed questions and I’m obsessed with her brother-in-law being like “you’re reacting emotionally, we just need to get to know him”. Rachel and the brother-in-law sit down later and he tells her that her freaking out is clearly a reflection of how much she cares about Bryan. I love their relationship, they do not seem to bullshit each other ever. Constance sits down with Bryan and also does not bullshit him and tells him that she doesn’t think he’s genuine. It’s all too soon for her and she says that he has an answer for everything - their body language is not positive. While that awkwardness is happening, Rachel and her mom sit down and Rachel tells her mom that she’s definitely falling in love with Bryan. Mrs. Lindsay does not at all like the word “love” being thrown around and challenges her on the timing of their relationship. They’re essentially at odds with what it means to be in love and how long that should take. Bryan and Mrs. Lindsay chat and Bryan literally says “I will be proposing” and then vaguely asks for her blessing - she doesn’t give it. Well, she doesn’t not give it, she just wants them to take this initial love and build on that. Oof. They walk out and Rachel is apparently proud of Bryan for how he handled himself and they both walk away feeling like it was a success. Eek. 

WOOOf. Okay, now that that’s over, time to head to Spain! They’re in La Rioja which is absolutely stunning and then RACHEL BRINGS OUT A DAMN CARRYON SUITCASE. LIKE TRULY NO. I’M CACKLING. She describes her relationships with the three men: with Bryan, they have a strong physical and emotional connection and he’s the only one who has said that he’s in love with her. She’s worried because her family had concerns about him and she really does care what her family thinks. With Peter, she feels like they connected effortlessly and he was the first guy to make her believe that this whole thing could work. But, of course, she’s concerned because he told the family that he’s not yet ready to propose. And finally Eric, who has a date today, is the most confusing for her - she doesn’t quite know where she stands. He has used the word “love”, but it’s been in a very friendly way, and every moment that they spend together moving forward is crucial. Eric runs up to her and they’re going on a helicopter! Which makes me wonder: what if a Bachelor or Bachelorette just fully hated helicopters one season? Or like hated hot tubs? I feel like they truly couldn’t do it. Eric says that he still has more to express including what he always says “One on one, full of fun, Big Rach, Big E, it’s our time again.” WOW, TRULY THE WORST POEM EVER. They fly over these vineyards and then are dropped off legitimately 10 miles from their destination. I hope the watch Rachel bought with Bryan tracks steps because she would have reached her fitness goal for the day about an eighth of the way through the walk they had to take to get to this monastery. FINALLY, they get there and sit on a wall and Eric is about to say something profound and then Rachel is like “NOPE, WE GOTTA RING THIS BELL, WE HAVE TIME TO TALK FEELINGS LATER”. So they ring a bell three times. Cute! They sit down and Rachel asks Eric what he feels like he learned from meeting her family - he tells her that he knows that she’s strong, independent, doesn’t need much, but also needs everything and wants to do her own thing. Rachel says that makes her sound a little complicated, but it’s true - more than anything, she says that she needs someone who is self aware and secure in who they are because she wants a teammate who can conquer this world with her. It was a weird day date, for sure. They sit down to dinner at another random castle and Eric says that his entire journey from week 1 until now has been surreal. He starts listing everything that he’s loved and his number 1 thing was the hot tub. LOL. She wants to know if that’s because he felt physical or emotional chemistry in the hot tub and he says emotional. Mmk, bud. But, they talk about how they clearly challenge each other emotionally and Eric says that he feels amazing now that he’s had to face his feelings. Rachel, rightfully, wants to know how he knows what he’s feeling because he’s admittedly never been in love before and he just attributes that to her. YES, CORRECT ANSWER, ERIC. VERY long story short, he finally tells her that he’s in love with her! Rachel reacts as a woman who clearly is not in love with him! I’m proud of Eric, but it’s v clear that Rachel likes him, but hearing that from him didn’t exactly make her melt into a puddle or anything. Also proud of Eric for getting the fantasy suite, which apparently is just like a cluttered hotel room? DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT? They wake up and there’s literally just random shit on these shelves next to them. Makes sense that they’ve added this incredibly cute new tradition of the two of them walking outside with to-go coffees in sweats and no makeup. I’M HERE FOR REAL LIFE LIKE DATING.

ALRIGHTY TIME FOR PETER. So, he’s just fully dancing while he approaches her, he’s very excited to see her, and then we find out that she’s super excited because they’re spending the day at a vineyard! They end up in a full cave and this Spanish man comes out and talks to them for awhile even though neither of them speak Spanish. Then, surprise, this man sings FULL volume right in Rachel’s face and Peter doesn’t know what to do with his eyes, hands, or body. It’s weird for him.  But then they get to go to another part of the cave with this personal little cellar and the Spanish guy gives them a key to it and it says “Raquel y Pedro” on it with their own personal wine and I’m CRYING IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL. IF RACHEL DOESN’T PICK PETER JUST FOR THIS ALONE, I’M GONNA BE PISSED. I mean Peter has the only key in the world to this little cellar and they could go back on every anniversary and drink a bottle of their wine and I’m crying just thinking about how beautiful it is! I know they could just break the lock and give the cellar to someone else! I know how these things work! LET ME HAVE THIS, PEOPLE! So, they grab a bottle of their wine and head out to talk and we get the first statement from Peter that he thinks engagement is a direct reflection of marriage and then he asks Rachel how she feels about that being his perspective. Before she can answer this TINY LITTLE GIRL INTERRUPTS THEM AND GIVES RACHEL A FLOWER. MY OVARIES AND HEART CANNOT TAKE THIS DATE ANYMORE. They end up grape stomping with this little girl and Rachel says that she’s definitely falling in love with Peter. This is another scene of Peter not exactly being the best kisser in the world, though, like he just really likes to keep his distance when kissing, doesn’t seem all that comfortable. BUT ANYWAY. For dinner, it seems like they’re just in a hotel room on a couch - how did Eric get a full castle - but Peter describes this tradition that his family has: every time they open a bottle of wine for an occasion, they save the cork, right something about the occasion on it and put the date so that they can look back on it. It’s v sweet. He gives Rachel the cork from their bottle of wine and she writes “To many firsts.” Where that cork be, though?! They address engagement again - Rachel tells him that she did not put her life on hold and sacrifice everything just to have a boyfriend at the end of this. To her, apparently, engagement is just another way of cultivating the relationship. He, again, says that he only wants to get engaged as many times as he gets married, which she agrees with, though I don’t quite get what he’s saying. Honestly, I’m on Peter’s side on this one - I feel like Rachel is taking engagement super lightly in this situation. Call me old fashioned, but she’s coming across as a flighty girl who just wants to tell her friends and family that she has a fiancé. As non-committal and wishy washy as Peter is being, or so it seems, like, he kinda has a pretty traditional view of engagement, which, you know, we can’t really fault him for. He says that he doesn’t really know what to do and can’t figure out what the common ground is on something like this because their views are so polar opposite. Oof. Rachel starts crying and says that for the first time, she feels like she and Peter might now work out. She describes it with one word: devastating. TO BE CONTINUED. 

AHHHH. Next week on The Bachelorette: The men tell all - Dean, DeMario, Kenny, and Lee are all going to confront their editing and hopefully we’ll get a blooper reel! THEN, on the finale of The Bachelorette: Peter doesn’t know what’s wrong with him! Rachel feels like she’s making a big mistake! She might be forcing herself to do something she’s not ready for! AHHHHHHHHH.