Tonight, on The Bachelorette: we have to withstand an entire date from a proven racist and terrible person, Jean takes it back, and Wills makes me oddly emotional. Never has a recap been so driven by the hatred I have for some of these men, but there’s a first time for everything! Let’s jump into it!

 

So, it feels like it’s been so long since the last week that I fully forgot Clay went home, leaving his rose behind. Also forgot that we still didn’t have a rose ceremony. We’re still at the cocktail party, or at least most of us are - Blake and Becca are upstairs in the forbidden bedrooms having a chat about how many kids they want. They’re both fine with 3, but Blake is more of a 3-5 kids kinda guy, which is both surprising and not surprising at all. They also both love boy’s names for girls - she likes Stevie and he likes Charlie. I love them together just so much. If I get burned at the end of this season by a Blake/Garrett match up and it doesn’t go my way, I’ll seriously consider throwing in the towel on this franchise - a veiled threat I’ve made probably 14 times in the past. 

 

Jordan is still taking up way too much real estate on my television and he claims that he “talks to God every day and people who go against him end up hurt sometimes”. Now, I’m not exactly sure what God Jordan thinks he’s talking to, but I guarantee at least every God I’ve ever heard of would probably not be on Jordan’s team. His mention of “people who go against him” is, of course, a reference to David who, as we remember, FELL OFF A BED. 

 

In this middle of Jordan’s conversation with Becca during which he ends up with gold underwear and decides that apparently she has his “groin on her mind”, David walks back into the house looking rough. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it was both way worse and way better than I thought it would be. Truly, what was the angle at which he fell so that the top of his cheek and his nose were broken? But also his teeth look screwed up? I NEED A MATHEMATICIAN TO HELP ME DEDUCE HIS TRAJECTORY. 

 

Becca walks in and immediately grabs David to talk to him - they sit down and genuinely, I mean, genuinely, he’s so high right now. This man has so many drugs coursing through his body, it’s a true miracle that he is up and having this conversation. They don’t even really talk about anything before Becca gets up, grabs a rose, and tells him that she feels right in her heart moving forward with David. I mean, how could she not. She sends him up to bed to rest so that he doesn’t have to stand through the entire rose ceremony, which is, objectively, the right thing to do, but I also definitely want to see him have to stand through the entire thing. 

 

Time for the real Rose Ceremony: Becca is ready to do this and ride the waves. Congrats to: Jason, Wills, Nick (What am I missing here about his track suit?), Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, and Jean. Bai to Ryan, Mike, and yes, of course, Clay from last week’s episode. I literally forgot about Ryan, which is sad, because I thought they had great chemistry on After the Final Rose. Mike is only a man bun and I will literally forget his name, face, and every single thing about him in about 40 minutes. 

 

They’re heading to Park City, Utah this week, which Becca describes as “America’s most exclusive winter wonderland”. I thought Bachelor Winter Games was?? 🤔🤔🤔 Becca is super excited about this week because everything is so “fresh” in Utah. We do not get a date card to intro that Garrett is getting a one-on-one first - Becca shows up to the boys’ cabin and we find out that apparently Jordan slept in his gold underwear and then Becca and Garrett leave for their date! It’s very weird. 

 

They walk around Park City and for some reason end up in an alpaca store, which I didn’t know existed. They’re dressing up and being “goofy” and all I can think about is WHERE did they get this digital camera that is certainly circa 2004 for these selfies? Becca says that Garrett is very attractive - okay, brief pause here to ask the genuine question: is he though? I mean, I know I hate him for everything he believes and I think he’s an all around bad person, but like, he’s also just not very attractive, right??? They end up at a little cafe and do these little wellness shots for some reason? 

 

Back at the guys’ cabin, the most amazing thing is happening: 13 grown, adult men are entertaining a conversation with another grown, adult man who believes the Earth is flat. I just. In the sixteen years of this show’s franchise history, I never - truly never - thought I’d see the day. Lincoln is convinced that we’re not falling off the Earth simply because of “friction” - he also wants an astrophysicist to give him a call, which, I really, really want to happen. 

 

John and Jean, the duo I didn’t know I wanted to see, sit down and talk about how they both really want a one-on-one date. Jean, specifically, senses something brewing this week. YA DON’T SAY, BUDDY?!

 

Becca and Garrett apparently have more planned for the date and they take a ski lift up to a bobsled course! I’m so pissed because this date is so cool and I wish it were happening with a cool guy! At the top of the course (track? route? thing?), they meet up with two silver medalists who tell them that bobsled is all about working together and being in sync - the two of them were so in sync that now they’re married and have 2 beautiful children! Garrett is a bad person and I want to give him a chance, but I was definitely 100% studying his face to see if he flinched at being around lesbians. He did. WATCH IT AGAIN, HE’S A BAD PERSON. 

 

They get in the bobsled and go down the track (I settled on track) at 65mph and it looks so, so fun. I would like to do that now, please. Becca is the queen of analogies and says that this journey is just like bobsledding: “You have to be fast, you have to be precise, and you have to be ready for the curves.” YES, BECCA. 

 

Garrett says that he’s on Cloud 10 with Becca and she feels like they’ve been really in sync all day. She also says that her feelings for Garrett are coming on quickly and I just want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her real hard! They head to dinner at the Big Moos Yacht club and Becca says that on a scale of 1 to 10, today was a 10. She “trusts Garrett so completely” and can see him at the end of this. 

 

She proceeds to tell Garrett that he reminds her a little of her dad, to which he replies “okay”. SWOON! Then we really get into the nitty gritty - she convinces Garrett to open up a little bit by asking about his previous relationships. HOLY SHIT, HE WAS MARRIED. Y’all, I was NOT expecting that bomb to be dropped. He and his EX-WIFE were together a year and a half before they got engaged, were engaged for a year, then got divorced after TWO MONTHS. WOAH. TWO. MONTHS. Becca becomes understandably nervous and I’m just over here like: “WAS IT BECAUSE HE’S A BAD PERSON??????”

 

Date card time! Or! Just kidding! It’s just a reading of names! “Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, Jean Blanc…” They really, truly, never finish the date card. WTF. I’m obsessed with Wills though: “My name is Wills and I’m going on a one-on-one date with Becca.” He’s precious. 

 

Back with the divorced guy, Garrett asks Becca what scares her the most about him. She kinda vaguely says, “uh, like, everything you just told me?” Here’s where I even start to hate Garrett more: he instantly launches into an explanation for why it fell apart because his now ex-wife was apparently emotionally abusive and put a wedge between him and his family and friends. Literally 0% responsibility for anything in the relationship. I’m not saying that she wasn’t, but I am saying that I don’t fully trust Garrett and this is yet another sign that he’s up to no good. Additionally, he literally uses the word “bloodline” to describe his family. Now, again, I know I’m coming from a place of knowing that he’s a white nationalist with homophobic and transphobic tendencies, but like, that’s a red flag. 

 

It genuinely does surprise me how much Becca is smitten with him - he just seems genuinely boring. But, regardless, he gets a rose and the two of them head out to a concert with Granger Smith, who has the stage presence of, well, me at age 14. They make out on stage in front of what seems to be the entire population of Park City, UT and Garrett says that he can already imagine proposing to Becca. GROSS. 

 

Time for the group date! There will be 13 men on this date, which is objectively, too crowded. Shoutout to Blake for running up and hugging her first and a FOLLOW UP SHOUT OUT TO JOHN FOR SNEAKILY GRABBING HER HAND TO HOLD. This date is titled “Becca’s Big Lumberjack Bash” - how pissed do you think the producers were that they couldn’t come up with a synonym for Lumberjack that started with “B”? Again, for this date, there is a married couple there to impart the wisdom of their sport as well as prove that anyone can find love anywhere. The guys learn to split wood, well, Jean, Lincoln, and Chris don’t really, but the rest of the guys do! Becca throws an ax and holy shit, she’s actually great at it. Jason is scared shitless as they have to just flip a giant log and my man, John, is killing it! 

 

There’s a team challenge to win Becca, even though, we’ll find out in just a second that they don’t win her? I don’t know, they had to do so much editing during this portion of the date because of the length of the cocktail party that night that I genuinely am not even sure if it was a competition at all. All I know is at the end we got to see Blake climb a giant pole and I’m glad for it. John comes away with the “Golden Ax” and we find out that Jean got Becca a special gift for tonight. Hmm. 

 

For the cocktail party, Jason and Becca talk first and he tells her that he’s nervous around her because he cares about her. He’s going to embrace his emotions and put himself out there. They makeout for a minute and even Becca’s like “Jason’s a very good kisser.” Damn, Jason, seeing your hair night one and every night since - I would never expect to be Team Jason Come In Second. 

 

Colton tells Becca that he’s been in love once and he’s lucky to be here. Jordan is wearing his gold underwear tonight and Becca tries to get as physically far from him as possible when he “dances” for her. We find out that Colton’s patience officially runs out when it comes to “clowns”. Colton and Chris, who is the guy who likes to confront other guys, decide to confront Jordan about his antics - they tell him that he’s “painting a target on his back” and just some other general nonsense that I do agree with, but didn’t need to hear. WHEN. WILL. PEOPLE. LEARN. TO IGNORE. THE. FOOLS. ON THIS. FRANCHISE. 

 

Meanwhile, Jean Blanc sits down and Becca and presents her with a gift: he collaborated with one of the biggest fragrance houses in the world to create a perfume called “Miss Becca Blanc” and we weirdly find out that Becca wants to hyphenate her last name? Like, I’m thrilled to hear this news, but why does Jean know this and why are we finding out while he’s handing her a misogynistic bottle of pink perfume designed to make her believe he’s being honest? 

 

Becca doesn’t know how to feel about the gift and also says that she reads body language and she’s just not sure that Jean is all that into her. It’s such a stark contrast from their first week together when I was all about Jean - it’s a super weird vibe and it’s just not clear how anyone in any part of this situation feels. 

 

We do see that Becca probably has some other conversations with Leo and definitely with Lincoln because Jean cuts in and says that he needs to talk to Becca again because they have some “unfinished business”. They sit down in the same spot and Jean tells her that he’s been doing a lot of thinking and he wants her to know that he’s falling in love with her. Hmm. Both Becca and I kind of have nothing to say. It’s an incredibly uncomfortable conversation where she’s just like, “Uh, I don’t think we’re on the same page” and then he tries to “take a step back”? I’m so very uncomfortable and Becca rightly decides that he should probably just go home right now. 

 

She walks him out and they stand at the door about to take him to his car and he literally just turns to her and asks, “What about the gift?” Now, where I’m not clear here is if he asked because he wanted know if he could get the gift back or if he asked because he was like “Girl, i got you a gift and then you immediately send me home?” She says she was grateful for it, but the feelings were too intense and she just wasn’t on the same page as him and then he literally says “it’s not necessarily where I’m at”. Umm. He even goes on to say that he thought that’s what she wanted to hear. EH. NO. 

 

She walks him out and she tries to wrap her brain around what just happened, but she basically just says that all she’s asked for in this is honesty, and if that wasn’t honesty... She wishes him the best, but let me just speak for all of Bachelor nation when I say: I DON’T. WHO THE EFF DOES JEAN THINK HE IS? BAI FOREVER JEAN. Literally how dare he lie straight to her face just to get ahead and then fully admit it while on camera. It’s almost like, hmm, oh yeah, I’VE SEEN IT BEFORE AND I’VE SEEN IT BEFORE HAPPENING TO BECCA. 

 

She walks back in and tells the rest of the guys that she just sent Jean home and she feels so disrespected. “If anyone else can’t be honest with me from here on out, I don’t want you here.” WE DON’T WANT THEM EITHER, BECCA. She just wants to go home and she decides to not give out the group date rose. I’m pissed and feeling for Becca, but I’m also feeling for Blake who has a finger injury?????? Console each other! 

 

Becca wakes up the next day and says that she’s still thinking about what Jean did - he basically took back his feelings. She’s never had a relationship with a man who knows exactly what he’s feeling and how to express those feelings and this was just another example of that. Poor Wills has to follow up that nightmare of an experience with his one-on-one (again, no Date Card in sight, oh well). She starts to get really emotional even getting ready for the date and says that she’s really nervous and just feels off. Wills, and actually most of the guys, are worried that this is just going to make her put her guard up again. 

 

Wills walks up this hill all dopey and she immediately addresses the elephant in the room by saying that last night was rough, but she doesn’t want to focus on that today. She hopes he can go slow and they go snowmobiling as a perfect metaphor. Wills is a perfect gentleman and goes slow and keeps looking back to make sure she’s okay and is giving her thumbs up and I have to be completely honest, guys: this entire scene made me cry. He was being a perfect gentleman and she was literally learning that it would be okay to trust someone with something even as simple as getting on this snowmobile. I know a lot of it is smoke and mirrors and fun and games, but this girl literally had her heart ripped out on national TV like a month before this date and the poor girl has to put on a brave face again. It genuinely broke my heart. 

 

They get to the top of the mountain and they sit in the snow and Wills is just so supportive and tells her that he just wants to ask the right questions and make her laugh and smile. I really don’t think Becca and Wills will have the same ending, but this date reminded me of the Ashley and JP date after she sent a guy home and he just sat there and let her be emotional. Becca says that Wills is a stand up guy and I cannot agree more - he’s insanely patient and kind and caring toward her and I love him. They have a snowball fight and she’s starting to feel like her journey toward love is back on track. 

 

At dinner, Becca opens the conversation by thanking him for being so kind and gracious today. Wills says, “You’re human, you’re going to be affected by things, that’s fine.” Can I have Wills in my pocket please? Why am I just so touched by this man on this date right now? He tells her that one of the first things that attracted him to her was her strength and resilience - he also says that he’s been through some trying times and some betrayal in past relationships. He had a girlfriend of about three years with whom he talked about marriage and kids and he genuinely thought he had found his person. He absolutely did not see it coming when their relationship started to fall apart - his first sign was that she asked for a “hall pass” to sleep with anyone she wanted to. Damn. 

 

Becca relates it to her relationship with Arie with whom she saw a lifelong partner, but she’s moved past it and she learned through that how she deserves to be treated. Wills says that he would not be here if he weren’t ready for this. They both share that they have a fear of not being enough for their partner and that they’re pretty hard on themselves. It’s a genuinely mature, adult conversation and I’m very into it. She tells him that in all of the decisions that she’s going to be making on this “journey”, she wants to be able to tell the guys why she made those decisions and she would expect the same respect of them. He really surprised her tonight and, honestly, not so much he, but their conversation as a whole surprised me. What I can’t tell is if they have physical chemistry, but damn, do they know how to talk about deep stuff. He gets the rose and they make out against a wall and it almost makes me forget that he’s wearing a weird thin scarf the entire time. 

 

Back at the cabin, Nick and Connor are talking about how they didn’t get time with Becca on the group date because of the Jean drama, so they’re looking forward to talking to her at the cocktail party tonight - CUE CHRIS HARRISON! Chris Harrison walks in and tells the guys that he’s spoken to Becca and she’s decided that there won’t be a cocktail party tonight. HOW WILL WE GO ON. 

 

The guys walk into the rose ceremony - David’s eye looks legitimately infected and Colton, for some reason is wearing a glitter blazer. Becca walks in and tells them that she was hurt and didn’t know how she could move forward after Jean, but now looking at these guys, she’s hopeful. Congrats to: Leo, Colton, Blake, Connor, Lincoln, John, Chris, David, and Jordan. Bai to Christon and Nick! Christon was cool and his exit interview was classy. Nick, I genuinely do not remember one fact about other than that David with a broken nose basically turned into Nick. Jordan is pissed because he was last and to express himself he says: “I’m like a sponge, you can squeeze me and get everything out of me, but you’ll never know until you try.” Nothing has ever called for an 🆗 more. 

 

Next week on The Bachelorette: VEGAS! Colton gets a one-on-one, Blake gets some alone time, thank god, and Chris wants to leave. Also, the not at all anticipated David and Jordan two-on-one looks like it’s on the horizon. Until then!