This week on The Bachelorette: THE BAHA MEN ARE BACK, BABYYYYYY! Also, Blake is tortured, Jason isn’t vocal enough, and we’re about to find some skeletons in Colton’s closet. Let’s jump in before Blake cracks!

 

First of all, the music in the intro of this episode is insanely ominous. It’s like they told a local Bahamian composer approximately the vibe they were going for (uncertain, love, Reality TV) and he did his best. Becca feels really good this week, maybe because they’re staying at the lovely BAHA MAR! I think I’ve officially decided that it is my life’s purpose to visit every hotel they’ve ever visited during this franchise. Becca apparently wants to move to the Bahamas, which seems unlikely, but she’s also falling in love! Also, do they ever explain where in the Bahamas they are? I think not. It’s a relatively large place, I need some additional specificity. 

 

Becca sits down with Chris Harrison who can apparently “feel” her excitement. Gross. She’s looking forward to no more drama this week because she says the 6 guys she has left get along really well. That actually seems to be true! We find out, again, that she’s falling in love and she feels like this is working so much more than she ever expected it to at this point. She’s falling for a couple of guys here and she’s nervous because she knows she can only end up with one person. YOU SURE, BECS? CUZ THAT’S WHAT WE THOUGHT AND THEN, SURPRISE, ARIE FOUND A LOOPHOLE. Also Jason, but we’re all still fine with that because Molly’s great and said more than 19 words. 

 

We get some brief B-Roll of Becca reiterating that meeting someone’s family is super important and is not something that she takes lightly. Colton says that meeting his family is a big step for him because family is the “number 1” thing in his life. Wills is feeling pressure and BLAKE MIGHT DROP THE “L” WORD THIS WEEK OMG!!!!! Thank god because I’m still LIVID that we genuinely had 0 Blake time last week. It just doesn’t make sense! 

 

Becca walks into their hotel room at the BAHA MAR (maybe I should just start an additional blog deep diving into the Yelp reviews for these hotels??) to tell the guys that there will be no rose ceremony this week. Instead, there will be a rose on each of 4 dates - 3 one-on-ones, and one group date. Speaking of: the first date goes to Colton! I’m genuinely surprised! Blake and Garrett both look genuinely SO mad. Not only are they pissed that they didn’t get the first date, but also because “none of us can see her with Colton”. I can’t disagree! We’ll talk a lot about Colton and Becca today, of course, but in general, I’ll preface this entire date by saying that I love Colton, but in no way are he and Becca meant to be together so I’m kinda ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about literally that happens with them. Colton and Becca leave and the rest of the guys all want to know if Colton will bring up his secret. 

 

Now comes one of maybe a million conversations about virginity which I have major issues with - first of all both Garrett and Blake say they’re “blown away” by Colton being a virgin. Garrett, I understand because he’s trash, but Blake??? Look, I get that it’s surprising, but my god, everyone needs to chill out. Garrett goes one step further and says that if Becca finds out that Colton is a virgin, she’ll probably be “turned off”. I mean, look, it’s a huge part of life and a huge part of a decision to spend the rest of your life with someone but can everyone just calm the eff down? Like my god. 

 

We move on to just seeing Colton and Becca and I’m lol’ing this whole episode about how thirsty they’re making Becca seem - she calls him a “hunky man” and says that Colton could “pick [her] up and do whatever”. Go, girl. The two of them end up on on a boat and I’m GENUINELY worried because it seems that Colton was not prepared and doesn’t have swim trunks? Ahhh!!! They hang out for awhile on the boat and make out a bunch and then Colton begins to open up and it seems like we’re about to find out that Colton’s officially a virgin! But wait! A native Bahamian man on an extremely colorful boat! the man boards (pirates) the boat and we find out that Becca and Colton are going to diving for conch! What comes next is just far too many uses of the word “conch” as well as talk about how it’s “The Bahamian Viagra”. 

 

Luckily, as they dive into the ocean, we see that they at least found some athletic shorts for Colton and, surprise, or really, not surprising at all, but Colton is very good at diving for conch. they get back on the boat and the Bahamian man makes both of them eat the pistol, which they both objectively hate. There are so many reasons I love that Colton got this date - one, of course so we could talk about sex truly as much as possible, but also (spoiler alert) because on the next one-on-one date, the sea plane that Garrett and Becca get on is literally called the TIA. GREAT. JOB. PRODUCERSSSSSSS! 

 

Alright, anyway. Becca has clearly been affected by the pistol because apparently Colton is easy on the eyes and at this point he’s “definitely getting the rose” unless he drops some huge bomb. They sit down to dinner and they stalk some more about conch before he says that there’s a conversation he wants to have because it could be a potential roadblock. He tells her that this is something he hasn’t talked about very often and he has struggle articulating - as he’s told her, he’s put his professional life in front of his personal life and has really only had one serious relationship. Because of that, Colton reveals that he’s a virgin to which Becca responds, “REALLY?” with a disappointed look? Much can be said about how uncomfortable she looks and how she says that she’s glad he told her and that she doesn’t want to pressure him or push him too far out his comfort zone, but then THE BITCH LEAVES. According to her own Twitter, she just went to the bathroom, but I’m not sure. 

 

I talked about this with a friend, but I have extremely mixed feelings about this whole scene. On one hand, shout out to Colton for talking about how he’s lied about this in the past, but it’s something that he accepts now and is something he’s proud of. On the other hand, I don’t love Becca’s reaction, but on the other other hand, I have a huge problem with anyone being expected to react a certain way or say something in particular. This is a big piece of information - it’s something that will certainly affect the future of her relationship with this guy and no, her reaction wasn’t perfect, but who is anyone to say that they would react more appropriately than Becca did. Ugh, I don’t know, I could talk about this for truly 9,000 more words, but I’ll leave it at this: I’m proud of Colton for talking about this, Becca could have done better, maybe, but also they’re not meant for each other, so let’s all move on. 

Blake and Garrett, back at the BAHA MAR, talk about how they wouldn’t put a ring on a finger without knowing if there’s physical compatibility and they both say that they think she’ll send Colton home after finding out. 

 

Becca finally returns to the table and asks Colton if his girlfriend (Aly Raisman, let us all remember) was on the same page as him as far as sex. We don’t really get an answer to that, but we do find out that he’s not waiting for marriage, he’s just waiting for the “right heart”. She grabs the rose and says that he’s given her a lot to think about today, but she wants him to know that she would never judge him or think less of him for being a virgin (hmm) and she wants to meet the people that made Colton who he is. Colton believes that him getting a rose is a sign that Becca accepts him for who he is. I honestly hope so!

 

Back at the BAHA MAR, time for another date card! “Garrett: Love is in the air…Becca”. Honestly, honestly, I feel bad for Blake. Like the dude hasn’t gotten a date in 6 WEEKS and he’s just forced to sit in this beautiful hotel worrying that the woman he loves is falling in love with a bunch of other guys! Yeah! That’s the premise of the show! He goes so far as to say that this is a “slap in the face”. Colton suddenly walks back into the BAHA MAR with a rose on his chest and all the guys kinda fall silent. Shoutout to Jason: “Unfortunately, none of us want to ask you what you did.” Colton does tell the guys, though, that it was a game changer. 

 

Garrett runs up and finds Becca on a beach and she tells him that they’re “going to do the whole Bahama thing”, whatever that means. They board a seaplane, which I’ve already told you is named “Tia” and it makes me laugh so hard. Poor Jason and Blake are on the balcony at the hotel and watch the damn sea plane take off and they’re both very sad about it. Honestly, truly, it seems like an EXTREMELY turbulent plane ride. Every shot they get is SO shaky. 

 

Eventually the plane lands, very dangerously, and the two of them just hang out on a private island and THEY KISS WHILE THEY’RE NOT FACING THE SAME WAY. JUST A TRUE PET PEEVE. FACE EACH OTHER, I PROMISE IT WILL BE BETTER. AND EASIER IN GENERAL. We find out that Becca just feels “pulled towards” Garrett and she doesn’t feel like they’re moving too fast, it’s just fun and natural between them. They have this kind of weird conversation about how Garrett is always putting on a brave face and never seems down and discouraged and then he says that he could count on “less than 1 hand” how many times in his life he’s actually been down and discouraged. First of all, pure lies, second of all “less than 1 hand”? It’s just a very weird, not at all natural, conversation where I think I finally realized that Becca is just ignoring truly every red flag about this guy. GET OUT NOW, BECCA. HE’S BORING AND A FASCIST. MAYBE THE WORST COMBINATION. 

 

Back at the BAHA MAR, Leo says that if you get the last one-on-one it means that Becca definitely likes you more than the guys on the group date. Speaking of! “Blake: You make my heart skip a beat…Becca” FINALLY. Blake says that he was barely holding on and this jolted him back to life. Also, Blake is still calling Becca his girlfriend which is both the best and absolute worst of all time. 

 

At dinner with Becca and Garrett, Becca says that she wants to make sure her relationship with Garrett is more than just physical. 👏🏻GARRETT👏🏻IS👏🏻NOT👏🏻ATTRACTIVE👏🏻I👏🏻TRULY👏🏻DON’T👏🏻UNDERSTAND👏🏻HER👏🏻ATTRACTION👏🏻 She asks him who she would be meeting if he brings her home and he says his mom, dad, brother, sister, and grandma. Also the last woman he brought home to meet his family was his ex-wife and OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT HE’S DIVORCED. He says that he hasn’t really had a serious relationship since he got divorced and then we move on to maybe the most infuriating conversation. He says that the “reason” they got married was because he was young and immature and just wanted a family - oh yeah, also his ex-wife used to “act out” and was “hot blooded” and OH MY GOD, HE’S THE WORST HUMAN. The complete and total lack of responsibility for his failed relationship is I N F U R I A T I N G to me. 

 

Maybe equally infuriating to me is that Becca seems to vocalize literally everything that could possibly be wrong with Garrett and then just fully moves on without acknowledging that her gut is right. First, was on the beach when she was concerned that he always puts on a brave face, and second is at this dinner when she straight up tells him that she’s worried that he would just not acknowledge any issues simply because he likes the idea of this working out. GIRL. LISTEN TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID. YOU LIKE THE IDEA OF GARRETT MORE THAN THE ACTUAL MAN. THINK OF BLAKE!!!!! Literally he has no good response to this statement and just says that he likes that they’re “fiddling” right now and I just hate him so much. She gives him the rose and says that she’s excited to meet his family and find out why he’s a “stand-up man”. BUT HE ISN’T THOUGH. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. The two of them truly jump into the ocean to make out and I’m just so externally upset. You should see how physically hard I’m typing right now. 

 

FINALLY SOME BLAKE TIME!!! LET’S FORGET ALL ABOUT GARRETT!!!! Becca and Blake head to a beach party where the REAL ACTUAL BAHA MEN ARE PLAYING. I honestly can’t believe they got them on this show. I’m stunned because WHAT THE HECK BLAKE IS AN INCREDIBLE DANCER?????? It’s honestly insane how great he is and how naturally they dance in a casual setting. That’s extremely hard to do! Becca says that dancing with Blake makes her feel so alive and she feels like she’s glowing from the inside out. 

 

They sit on the beach and make out because they love kissing each other more than anything else and when they’re forced to take a break, they just talk about how lucky they both are to be here. Blake tells her that he got in his head this week and started to question how she felt about him. When she saw him in the hotel room, she could see that it was hard for him - more proof that they understand each other beyond words. AM I ROMANTICIZING THESE TWO TOO MUCH? OH WELL! Becca says that he can even sympathize with Arie now because she realizes how easy it is to care about more than just one person and then, not to his face, but to a producer she says that she FEELS THE MOST STRONGLY FOR BLAKE!!! 

 

Final date card: “Wills, Jason, Leo: These days are never easy…Becca”. We also find out that Colton would simply prefer Blake’s bag to get pulled and apparently these guys think that there’s something that Blake hasn’t told Becca yet? Hmm. 

 

Before dinner, Becca says that she loves that Blake to her that he’s struggling so much and she found that attractive. They sit down to dinner and she tells him that she didn’t know he could move like that and HARD SAME. She wants to know more about his family because he really only talked about them on their first date. He tells her that his family is a big reason that he has issues opening up - when he was 15 or 16, his parents got divorced after his mom starting having an affair with his basketball coach and English teacher. Yeesh. He found out some of the details of the affair from other members of his small town community. From that experience, he’s learned that he wants openness in his family and doesn’t want to raise his kids the same way he was raised. She feels the exact same way about having a relationship with openness - she even tells him that he’s the best at opening up and she finds it so attractive that he can. 

 

THEN BLAKE BECOMES A HERO: “Falling in love is fun, but staying in love would be even more fun and I’ve never had that. Becca, I am in love with you.” WHERE ARE THE FIREWORKS EMOJIS BECAUSE MY HEART IS BURSTING. SO IS HERS. SHE WANTS HIM TO SAY IT AGAIN. THE MOST PASSIONATE OF KISSING. I just am so thrilled for these two kids. She grabs the rose and says that she would love nothing more than to meet his family and find out why he is who is is. 

 

Then. THEN. She says that she never wants moments with Blake to end and she can’t even put into words how she feels but she just thinks that HER HEART RECOGNIZES HIS. MY GOD. Also sHE’S FEELING THE EXACT SAME WAY, BUT BLAKE DOESN’T KNOW IT YET. OMG. SHE CAN 100% SEE HIM AS HER HUSBAND. THEY MAKE OUT AGAINST A COLUMN. IS THIS ENOUGH CAPS LOCK ORRRRRRRRRRR

 

Unfortunately, we have another date to watch, but fortunately, Wills truly has a floral outfit for every occasion. Becca is wearing an all-white-all-denim outfit when she meets the men on the beach to play beach volleyball. Even she remarks, but it truly could not be a more random collection of personalities on this date, but I love all three of them. She says that she’s always discovering more about Leo, Jason is one of the most upbeat and positive people he’s ever met, and Wills knows who he is and is quiet, reserved, and confident. 

 

She and Wills speak first and he says that he really wants her to meet his parents who will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary next year. His dad is quiet and reserved and his mom is spunky - Becca can’t help but find similarities between the way she and Wills were raised. Next she sits down with Jason and he tells her that they have something that he hasn’t had in awhile. He thinks that the power of their chemistry is what brought them so far and he sees so much happiness and laughter with Becca. She likes kissing him second to Blake, of course, and they make out for awhile. Poor Leo looks over to see that and Wills just goes: “Don’t look, Bro.”

 

She and Leo head down to the beach and he tells her that he doesn’t date much and it has been like 4 years since he brought anyone home to meet his family. I have to give it up to Leo for flat out asking if the other guys are further in their relationships with her - he basically reveals that he would need more time to feel ready to propose at the end of this. It’s honestly a pretty short conversation with him ending with her saying that it’s only fair to him to not go back to his family knowing that she has other stronger relationships. Wills and Jason finally spot both Becca and Leo walking alone on the beach and they figure out what’s going on - she rejoins them and tells them that she and Leo had a good conversation, but she sent him home. She just didn’t feel like they’re at a place where she could go home and meet his family. Then, poor Leo just gets left at the beach! You’re a truly great guy, Leo! I just think this journey wasn’t for you!

 

Jason, Wills, and Becca all sit down and she thanks them for the day and tells them that she’s happy to be sitting with the two of them. She and Jason talk first, or rather, make out first before she pulls away and says “OKAY, BUT I HAVE QUESTIONS FOR YOU, TOO”. She asks if he has any reservations about bringing her home and he basically says that their last date was kind of a test and he found the confidence and comfort he needed in knowing that he wants to introduce her to his family. Becca tells them that last week showed her that they do have a mental and emotional connection, but some of the other guys have been slightly more vocal with their feelings and there’s a “slight risk” with Jason. Truly seems like maybe the harshest thing she could have said to him. He honestly doesn’t say much more and doesn’t even drop the “falling in love” bomb, but we love Jason, so it’s okay. 

 

Wills sits down with Becca and says that he wants to get some stuff off his chest this week - he feels completely open and vulnerable with her and she’s made him believe in love again. Then, he reveals that he’s falling more and more in love with her every single day. Then, he steals the nation’s hearts with “I’m hers in my opinion”. WE LOVE YOU, WILLS. But, she definitely doesn’t have the same reaction she had with Blake. 

 

She seems to go away to think for a while and says that she’s struggling with the decision between the guy who’s “all in” (Wills) and the guy who she’s “not sure if he’s there yet” (Jason). She rejoins them both and says that everything was put into perspective for her this week. Jason does end up getting the rose, which I’m extremely excited for, but I’m just so sad for Wills. She walks him out and gives him maybe one of the most respectful exit speeches ever - she wanted to feel the same things Wills was feeling, but she just wasn’t there and she couldn’t bring his family into this knowing they’re not exactly on the same page. I’m genuinely surprised that she’s not more emotional over this, but don’t worry, Wills is emotional enough for the two of them. He gets in a van and is truly “heartbroken” and says that he couldn’t have done anything more than he did. The most devastating part for him was hearing her say that she knows he’ll find his person, because he realized that she wasn’t his person. YOU’RE KILLING US, WILLS. He eventually has to literally leave the car he’s so emotional and all of Bachelor Nation is rooting for him. We’ll see you in Paradise, friend, and we wish you nothing but love!! So that’s it! We’re heading to hometowns with Colton, Garrett, Blake, and Jason. CANNOT WAIT. 

 

Next week on The Bachelorette: we play hockey with Jason, dress up as unicorns with Colton, go dancing with Blake, and ride on a tractor with Garrett! Also, Jason’s parents are hard on him, Blake’s mom thinks her son is crazy, Garrett’s family seems fine, and Colton’s dad doesn’t want her to pick him. Also, TIA IS SICK TO HER STOMACH ABOUT SOMETHING! Until then!