This week on The Bachelor: JUST KIDDING WE’RE STARTING WITH A PREVIOUSLY ON! Am I the only one that didn’t even remember that we didn’t have a rose ceremony last week? Anyway, previously on The Bachelor, Liz was kind of a crazy person, so we gotta pick up where we left off. Let’s see how Nick handles the drama, and buckle in, folks, it’s gonna be a long one!

We come back, not to the night when all the girls find out that Nick and Liz have slept together, but the next morning and we’re back at the mansion. Christen is apparently the spokesperson for the Liz and Nick one night stand and just insists that it was just that, a one night thing. I read somewhere that Christen is this year’s virgin as well, kind of thought that the producers would make it a thing when she’s the one that Liz chose to confide in about sex. Gotta say, good on you producers, if the rumors are true. Basically all of the girls just want to know what Nick’s intentions are now—well, basically all the girls, Vanessa is just drinking out a bendy straw like she’s at her local diner. I love her so. Nick walks in and tells the women his side of the Liz story, which, is hopefully, the factual side of the story. He says that when Liz got out of the limo, he was really caught off guard because he’d met Liz at JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING and they had sex. Mind you, he’s smiling ear to ear while he’s saying this all. Then the whole thing sort of becomes a non-issue. I don’t think it should be an issue, but really none of the girls seem to care at all about it. I gotta say, I wouldn’t care that there was a girl who The Bachelor had hooked up with, but that neither of them addressed it or said anything for like two full weeks would be a little bit suspicious. In addition to his broad grin, Nick also proudly wears a very floral tie. I’m kind of confused about the vibe that they’re going for with Nick’s wardrobe this season. He says that he wants the girls to ask him questions if they have any. Oh, okay. Nick says that he’s still really super optimistic about finding his wife in this room and then we cut away to a bunch of the girls being like “I’m okay with it, how are you dealing with all this?”. GIRLS, HE’S FINE. HE GOT TO SCREW SOMEONE THEN SEND HER HOME ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Apparently I liked Vanessa’s conversation with him, but I just like Vanessa, so my note of “YAHS VANESSA” might just mean I was excited she popped up on my screen. Nick sits down with Danielle L. and tells her that he missed her. Interesting. Danielle L. likes that Nick is so open and honest and it’s super clear that Nick is crazy attracted to her. Also he’s “intrigued in” her. Lolololol. The thing I did find interesting about this series of events was the short conversations with a few of the girls who are worried about if Nick will sleep with one of the girls before the Fantasy Suite. Interesting. I mean, I’ve mentioned it like 500 times already in these recaps, so my bad, but I watch UnReal, clearly if he wants to sleep with someone he’ll find a way to do it. But the fact that they kind of called out the stereotype of getting it on in the Fantasy Suite was pretty funny to me. Corinne, meanwhile, is upstairs staring at herself in a mirror while she puts on a trench coat over her bra, but no underwear? We find out later, I guess, that she’s fully nude under this trench coat. IS NO ONE ELSE WONDERING WHY THIS GIRL USED UP SUITCASE SPACE FOR A TRENCH COAT? Surely, she’s seen any episode of the franchise and realizes that there is not a place on this show for a COAT. Corinne says that she doesn’t have a problem with Liz going home especially now that she knows that Liz had “intercourse” with Nick before she did. BLECH. Why has that word not been banned from the English dictionary yet? Raven sits down with Nick and says that she feels great about everything. Um, okay. Hailey says that Nick is a “hot topic” and then Corinne saunters down the staircase saying that she wants Nick and her to “explore each other sexually”. BLECH PT. 2. They go outside and sit on this weird GIANT set of pillows and Corinne pulls out a can of Reddi-Whip that she says is super important. She squirts some into Nick’s mouth then literally uses her tongue like an animal’s tongue to scoop some out of his mouth into her own. Then she decides now is a good time to put some whip cream on her bare breast and have Nick lick it off of her. Now, some of you might think that this is moving too fast with Corinne, and I gotta say I disagree. He’s already held her damn boobs and clearly they’re just heading toward sex, so it’s actually moving at a relatively slow pace if you factor in that Nick has no genuine interest in Corinne other than sexually. Corinne says that she’s “comfortable with her body and her sexuality”. Now look, I am happy and proud of every woman for whom that is true. Corinne is not one of them. Nick says (not to her luckily) that he thinks they should probably slow things down a little bit. Probably best, buddy! Jasmine walks in and says that she just “stumbled” upon them. LOL. The girls, during this whole thing, by the way, have just been freaking out a little? Sarah especially is just weirdly emotional about the fact that Nick and Corinne are doing some weird physical stuff. So after Nick struggles to get up from those giant pillows, we presume he goes off to chat with Jasmine and we follow Corinne inside where she just starts WEEPING and Lacey is there to console her. LACEY, RUN. Corinne thinks that the conversation they had was so bad for her and Nick’s relationship. Uh, okay. Time for the rose ceremony: Nick picks up the first rose, then puts it down and notices that Corinne isn’t there. LOL, GURL IS SIMPLY NAPPING. I can’t blame her, I love a good nap, too, but you’re missing out on your screen time, sweetie! Nick says in his confessional that the main reason he’s concerned about Corinne is because he doesn’t want the other women to think that he’s validating Corinne’s behavior by giving her a rose. UM, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU’VE DONE FOR THREE WEEKS NOW. Anyway, time to give out the roses. Congrats to: Astrid (???), Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Danielle L., Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimi, Dominique (I had to pause and rewind like 3 times because 1. I don’t remember this girl and 2. He whispered her name SO quietly), Sarah, Alexis (MOVE, BITCHES), Brittany, Josephine, and Jasmine. Christen already had a rose, did we see Christen get the rose last week? Eh, don’t care enough to go back and check tbh. Bai to Lacey, Elizabeth W. (TRULY WHO), and Hailey. And now the nation knows Nick prefers Brunettes! I mean, we could assume based on his previous 3 pairings of the franchise, but I’m a little surprised it’s so black and white for him.

The next morning, Chris Harrison walks in, turns to Corinne, and says, “Corinne, you look rested.” Lol. I wonder if Chris Harrison and the producers hate Corinne as much as we do. Also, Corinne fired back a little bit on social media after the GoFundMe to free Raquel (lol), but honestly that just makes me sadder. She’s a horrible person and doesn’t have a sense of humor about it or any perspective that it might just be the editing. First date card of the week: “Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, Corinne…Everybody.” WHAT KIND OF DATE CARD IS THAT? Then one of the girls, with whom I’d probably like to do an escape room because she connected the non-existent dots, mentions that it might be the Backstreet Boys. Then all of a sudden, we hear the music in the distance, and in walks THE ACTUAL BACKSTREET BOYS. I was always an N*Sync girl myself, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t like BSB. I would be freaking out right along with these girls. Brian or AJ, can’t remember who, tells the girls that they can’t wear heels, then they do an a capella version of “I Want It That Way”, but these boys need a little tuning help. BSB leave and the girls continue freaking out, even Taylor is like “we’re going to dance with the f**king Backstreet Boys”. Jasmine is super confident because she’s a professional dancer, but Corinne is very scared because she’s apparently a horrible dancer. The girls drive ALL THE WAY to Burbank, which is quite a hike from Agoura Hills, to meet up with Nick and learn some dance moves from BSB. They tell the girls that they’ll be performing tonight for a live audience because they have an upcoming residency in Vegas (anyone got a ticket hookup for me??). BSB will then decide which girl does the best and who has the best chemistry with Nick—that lucky girl will be serenaded by them while Nick and she dance. What’s up with all these dates where these randos decide who has the best chemistry with Nick? Nick CARTER leads the girls in the choreography and some girls (Danielle L. and Jasmine) are kicking ass, while Corinne hangs in the back and lets us know that she has “bad short term memory” which makes dancing hard? Alrighty. Corinne then continues to freak out and say that she’s lost all her confidence, well actually, she says that she doesn’t feel “pretty, cute, confident, bubbly, or fun”. The fact that she regularly describes herself with all of those adjectives seems healthy, but I can assure you is not. We only get to see like 5 seconds of them learning the choreography then it’s show time. We only see like 5 seconds of show time also and from that we are to gather that BSB liked Danielle L.’s chemistry with Nick the best. Hokay. Then comes POTENTIALLY the only thing worse than a private concert: an a capella concert for 500, but everyone is looking at two people kiss. I am V uncomfortable. Danielle L. and Nick don’t seem to be, though, so, good for them. Corinne says that this is her worst nightmare repeated “over and over and over again”. Wut. We head to the cocktail party and I’m having a hard time understanding Jasmine’s dress. Carinne grabs Nick first and says that she wants to be the center of his attention. WE KNOW. Her dress also COULDN’T be shorter. One wrong move, and she might need a trench coat! THEN SHE SAYS THE GREATEST THING IN HISTORY:

“Planned dancing.”

-Corinne Olympios, 2017

Even Nick is like, um, you mean choreography? He tells her that she shouldn’t worry about last night. Okay? He also asks her if she apologized to the other women for not being at the rose ceremony. Of course she didn’t. If I were Nick, wouldn’t I be a little turned off this girl now? They make out a little bit and they head back, then Corinne says that she’s going to fall out of her chair she’s so exhausted. DOES SHE HAVE AN ACTUAL SLEEP DISORDER? She heads into another room, genuinely, to take another nap. Danielle L. and Nick chat and she tells him that she could see herself falling in love with him. Oooh la la, the first time those words have been uttered this season. CanNOT wait to hear them another 1547 times. Nick pulls a classic drape her arm around you then make out with her then fumble with your own hands when trying to grab her legs. It’s classic.

Time for another date card! “Vanessa, you make me feel like I’m floating…Love, Nick”. UGH I’M SO EXCITED FOR HER. Dominique meanwhile says that this is “waiting” not “dating” because she hasn’t even gotten to go on a date yet. I had forgotten about you, Dominique.

Back at the cocktail party, finally Corinne reveals that she has a nanny. Raquel, her nanny of course, makes sure that her bed is made, she makes her cucumber and vegetable slices for lunch, she knows just how much lemon, olive oil, and garlic salt she likes in her salads, and she makes the best cheese pasta. I am not the first to make this inquiry, but in the words of Astrid, week 2, “that sounds non-specific, let’s specify”. My money is on buttered noodles with parmesan, but I’m open to other options as well. Jasmine cannot believe her life now and physically leaves the table to gossip about it in the bathroom then just straight up FALLS while walking around this place. The group date rose goes to Danielle L., which is probably for the best, but Corinne thinks it’s because Nick doesn’t want to put a target on her back by giving her the group date rose two weeks in a row. PUH-LEASE.

Nick shows up at this airport in a full workman’s suit, and I gotta say, he’s looking good. Vanessa pulls up and is so excited to see him and tells him that she hopes they’re not skydiving. Get ready for a ton of “aww’s” readers, this date is the best. Vanessa says that she is “comfortable, confident, and calm” when she’s around Nick. YES. GOOD. I LOVE IT. Nick says that one of the things he “loves” (!!!) about Vanessa is her confidence. Man, I’m so excited for these two to fall in love and get engaged then probably break up in 7-8 months! They are genuinely sweet together, though. They head into this zero gravity plane which apparently makes them feel like they’re in space, but they don’t explain it at all, so it must be witchcraft. They are having the BEST time just floating around this plane and they keep wrapping their legs around each other and trying to kiss and it’s just so adorable. Nick even says that he thinks it couldn’t be going any better. AWW! Vanessa starts to feel sick and, even though this would probably bug me, Nick is right up next to her and touching her and rubbing her back while she does actually puke. It’s really endearing. I never thought I’d see someone puke on a first date and come out the other side basically having a man under her spell. GIVE IT UP FOR VANESSA. He is so sweet with her making sure she’s okay and even, kinda grossly, kissing her while they chomp on some gum. I love them so much.

Time for the final date card of the week: “Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, Dominique: I’m done playing the field…From, Nick”. Two things to note here: 1. “From” Nick. 2. Clearly not done playing the field you have 17 girlfriends right now, Nick?!?!?!?!?

Vanessa and Nick end up going to the US Bank building in DTLA with the most INSANE views. Nick is, for some reason, wearing a collarless shirt, but like not in a cute, casual way. Anyway, Nick says that he likes taking care of Vanessa. They then go on to have just a really genuinely wonderful conversation. Vanessa takes the time to get to know Nick, which, to be honest, I feel like we don’t ever get to see on this show. She loves her family so she loves to know that Nick is close with his family as well. Nick starts saying that Vanessa gives him confidence about this whole thing then he actually, really, starts crying and Vanessa gets to take care of him and my heart is bursting it’s just all so wonderful. I totally understand why so many people give Nick a ton of shit, but you have to acknowledge that he clearly likes this woman a lot and is being genuine with her. Vanessa gets her rose, PRAISE, then they just kind of hug and kiss and it’s pretty adorable and they physically fit together so well. She fits right in his nook! Aww!

It’s time for the last date of the week and we pan in on Nick just running around this track. Such sporty dates this season, don’t hate it, just clearly a theme. All the girls run in and CLEARLY Astrid needs more support. Nick tells the girls that Track and Field is something he’s done all his life and he brings in some special guests: ACTUAL OLYMPIANS. If you know me, you know I love the Olympics more than just about anything in the world so you KNOW I was freaking out BSB style when Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix, and Michelle Carter come running in. They tell the girls that they’re going to be participating in a “Nickathalon” and the winner will get some extra time with Nick. While they’re warming up, even Jaimi is like “Astrid should have worn 3 sports bras”. LOL. But then we cut to Astrid and she’s like “Well, maybe it’ll help me get the rose”. YAHS GIRL. See????? You can have a sense of humor about yourself, Corinne! Also, couldn’t remember who Astrid was last week, but I’m liking her a lot this week. First event is the long jump where they have to kind of sort of jump in a limo. Next is high jump where they jump onto a giant picture of Nick. MY GIRL ALEXIS CLEARS THAT BAR WITH STYLE! Javelin throw is next and they have to hit a target which is not how javelin works, but okay. Alexis picks up her javelin and says that she doesn’t think anyone should feel safe with her throwing it. I’m obsessed with her. Dominique this whole time is kind of complaining about everything and how she just doesn’t stand out amongst these girls. Rachel is kicking ass, which I’m loving. I guess the Nickathalon is only 4 events—I think Allyson Felix intro’d it beautifully, but it’s already escaped my brain. Only three of the girls get to move onto the final round which is a 100-meter dash. Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid move on and I could not be more pleased with that final three. Carl Lewis tells them that they have to run to grab this giant ring and then run into this hot tub with Nick. The girls GO FOR IT, to the point where Rachel knocks the ring off the stand, she and Alexis run past it, then Astrid grabs it at the same time Rachel is stepping on it, so it shatters, but Astrid has a majority piece of it so she runs into the hot tub with Nick. PHEW. A lot of action in such a small amount of time. Nick and Astrid toast to “kind of winning” and then they make out a little bit.

The cocktail party for the night is at this cool antique store that I want to go to—Nick asks Astrid to chat first and already Dominique is freaking out. Nick presents Astrid with an un-shattered ring, Alexis wants to lay down and make out with Nick on top of a photo of him, and Rachel says that she has extreme cabin fever. Rachel and Nick’s conversation is so natural. I sincerely hope they don’t end up in the friendzone. Dominique has been freaking out even more while all of this is going on and the last straw is her seeing Rachel and Nick making out. Dominique pulls Nick aside and says that she thinks he didn’t give her a “fair chance” today. WUT? She says that he should have noticed that she was a little withdrawn from the crowd and based on what he knows about her already, he should have checked in with her. Gurl. That is INSANELY unfair. You’re on a date with 7 girls, you do whatever the hell you need to to make sure this guy notices you, it is not all on him. Nick, rightfully, was like, I’m sorry, this is hard, but I really don’t’ see a future with you, you’re clearly a crazy person, go home now. I’m paraphrasing, but it’s pretty much just that. Dominique heads out crying, even though she’s only been on 1/7th of a date with this guy. Nick heads back to the other girls and tells them he sent her home then gives RACHEL THE GROUP DATE ROSE. I love that.

The next day, Chris Harrison comes in and says that because Nick had an emotional night, he’d decided to have a pool party rather than the usual cocktail party. A couple random things happen, but the only thing to note is that Corinne has maybe packed in her suitcase this princess bouncy castle? I mean, the girl brought a trench coat, I wouldn’t put it past her to check this bouncy house. Nick and she jump around for awhile until she actually straddles him with all the girls watching and everyone is not on board. Corinne feels good about it, though, and goes off to take THE THIRD NAP OF THE EPISODE. A bunch of girls pull Nick aside to bring up their concerns about Corinne, and rightfully so. Raven says that she thinks he’s making a huge mistake with Corinne because the girl has a NANNY. “A what?” asks Nick Viall? You heard her right, Nick. Jasmine and Taylor also just want to make sure that he knows she’s kind of a crazy bitch. Vanessa starts getting, rightfully, upset, though, and she wonders what the deal is because Corinne is so clearly the opposite of her and their date. She sits down with Nick, and they're adorably entwined in each other, and she was just like “I saw you and Corinne and you riding her”. LOL YAHS VANESSA WORK. She even physically leans back as if to say “DUDE WTF”. She tells him that she’s not judging Corinne, she’s judging his actions, which is, I suppose what I should be doing, but I’m not as cool as Vanessa. She looks him straight in the eye and asks if he’s looking for a wife or if he’s looking for someone to f*ck around with. DAMN, VANESSA.

TO BE CONTINUED. Next week on The Bachelor: “We gotta talk about Corinne”. Also, Corinne and Taylor want to punch each other in the throat. Cute! Until next week, bai!