This was, without a doubt, the single weirdest episode of The Bachelor that has ever been broadcast. I have just as much anxiety about this coming week as Nick Viall himself. As we saw last week, Corinne and Taylor faced off, or rather, their conflict “exploded” according to Chris Harrison, in what, again, Chris Harrison is calling the “most epic 2 on 1 in Bachelor history”. HA. NOT EVEN A LITTLE. But let’s pick up right where we left off, kids, with Taylor traipsing through the streets of New Orleans.

We find Taylor still walking. Seriously. It must have been a real time representation of the time it took her to walk from the swamp to Nick and Corinne’s dinner—a full, calendar week. The girls back at the hotel, though, finally found out that Taylor is the one going home and Josephine is giddy at the thought of her pal, Corinne, coming back. I genuinely do not like Josephine. Taylor says, in her confessional, that she thinks the only reason that she’s going home is that Corinne lied straight to Nick’s face. Oh, the delusion. She walks straight up to Nick and Corinne and says, “Corinne, you lied today.” OHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIITTTTTT. Taylor. Get. Yourself. Together. Who. Cares. About. This. Seriously, I was over Taylor last week, but I could not get over her sheer childishness for the next 4 minutes we’ll have to deal with her. Taylor says to Nick that he was “straight up lied to” today and she just wanted to come tell him that. Seems helpful. She basically says that Corinne made her out to be this “bully” and that she’s here to prove that she’s not a bully by coming back and yelling at this girl that she lied then taking the guy she’s dating away to chat. Mmk. Also, she wants Nick to “open his eyeballs”. Gross, Taylor. Nick is all like, “K cool, still bai” and sends Taylor on her merry way. He heads back to Corinne who says she “understands”. Honestly, it was all very anti-climactic. But we did get a very interesting, very “Corinne” line out of this date:

“What I learned tonight is that cats have 9 lives and bitches have 2.”

-Corinne Olympios, 2017

Wait, so does that mean that Corinne thinks Taylor is going to come back this season?? Or that her coming tonight was her second life??? It’s just such a complicated quote. I could spend a full semester dissecting this quote. Are there any universities out there looking for a person without any credentials to teach a class on The Bachelor franchise? I’M YOUR GIRL. Anyway, it’s time for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony and all of the girls will NOT stop freaking out about the beauty of the building they’re going to be in for the night. We slowly follow someone’s legs up the stairs and BOY OH BOY it’s Chris Harrison to deliver the news that Nick has CANCELLED the cocktail party tonight! Oh no! How will Jasmine handle it? HINT: not well. Legitimately, truly, I’m concerned about Jasmine and her anxiety throughout this whole episode. This small clip at this point in the episode was the ultimate foreshadowing for what was to come. Anyway, congratulations to: Kristina, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L., Jasmine, and WHITNEY? WHO??????????? And that means a big ole bai to Josephine, thank god, Jaimi, she’s a star, I’ll miss her, and MY GIRL ALEXIS. NOOOOOOOO I’M SO SAD. Even Nick when he’s saying goodbye to her is like “You know you’re incredible”. UGH, YES, AMERICA KNOWS NOW I’M SO GLAD TO HAVE KNOWN ALEXIS. Truly canNOT wait to see her on my screen come August on Bachelor in Paradise. Nick tells the ladies that they’re heading to St. Thomas this week! WOOOT, finally a beach!

Nick says that he loves the island living and the atmosphere on St. Thomas. LOLOLOLOLOL. He also wants this to be the week that he starts falling in love. Speaking of which, the 9 women he’s hoping to fall in love with are walking on the beach, 7 of 9 of those women in a uniform of demin shorts and white tops. Raven, one of the 7, says, “St. Thomas is the perfect place to fall in love. And it’s the perfect place to send people home.” SAVAGE. The girls head up to their hotel for the week and as Nick flies in on a very unsteady flight, they get the seminal shot of girls yelling out the Bachelor’s name from a balcony. Iconic. Nick and the girls meet up and he announces that the first date this week goes to Kristina! Yay! I like Kristina, but I don’t know why yet! Jasmine FREAKS THE EFF OUT at this news though. Seriously, ARE YOU OKAY, JASMINE?????????

Kristina and Nick head to these ruins I guess, but SURPRISE THE DAY PORTION OF THE DATE IS APPROXIMATELY 30 SECONDS OF FOOTAGE. We basically find out that Kristina was adopted, but has a biological sister still in Russia and then they go swimming and we’re done with that. ON TO DINNER.

Before we get there, we head back to the house and Vanessa knows genuinely interesting facts about the island of St. Thomas then all of a sudden there’s a random housekeeper here? Like specifically to get shots of Corinne taking advantage of this woman I think? Then we’re just done with that? Seriously WHO edited this episode, nothing is explained, large parts of important information are ignored.

Back to Nick and Kristina—Nick says that this is the night that he and Kristina might fall in love. He asks her to talk a little bit more about her family since he felt like she was holding back a little earlier. Then, no bits, Kristina tells an intensely heartbreaking story. I have no jokes about it. She left her home around 5 or 6, was in an orphanage for 7 or 8 years, then was adopted to an American family when she was 12. I genuinely cried like a lot. I mean, I would cry at anything, so I’m not a good barometer, but this girl has just an insane amount of strength. Nick even says that he admires Kristina. SAME. He gives her the rose and says that she brings color to his life and I want to cry all over again. I do not think that they will end up together, but damn, this girl is a STAR and deserves the world and I can’t wait to see her live it through social media.

The girls get another date card, but it’s in a weird format? Like the date card is actually two date cards? Man, it’s like I’m not even watching The Bachelor this week. Anyway, “Love’s a beach, Nick”. And that lovely note was sent to Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., and Jasmine. What an interesting group. But this means that there’s going t be another 2-on-1 date. Truly why??? These girls, Whitney and Danielle L. to be precise, don’t hate each other, also I don’t actually hate either one of them, so why are we doing another 2-on-1 for the second week in a row?? WHAT IS HAPPENING, ABC???????

Nick meets up with the girls on a pier and says that now there’s a very different vibe amongst the woman compared to the last few weeks. They head out on a catamaran, then, instantly, we’re over that, and we head to play volleyball and I guess have fun for the rest of the day. We didn’t see it, but the women, well namely Corinne, got super blasted. So they’re all just pretty bad at volleyball and are all taking this fake competition really seriously. Heheheh. I don’t know if it’s just because I lost interest or if they just really gave up on showing any interesting footage in this episode, but many of the women end up perfectly spread apart on the beach each crying to themselves. It’s real weird. It’s time for their cocktail party and Vanessa is SHOWING UP in her dress, which has the highest slit I’ve ever seen, but I gotta say, I’m here for it. Nick and Rachel chat first and she tells him that she did NOT like how today went. She doesn’t want to be in a competition and honestly doesn’t really understand the point of being here—she didn’t even really want to come to the cocktail party tonight. Understandably, Nick gets super anxious about that, I mean I’m super anxious about it because I love the girl. She says, and it’s true, that she obviously is here for him because she would not put up with all this crap otherwise. He thanks her for her brutal honesty and asks her to keep telling him when she’s having those moments of doubt. Most of the conversations for the rest of the night are all about how stressed these women are and it’s all generally not interesting to me. However, while these boring conversations are happening, Jasmine is melting down. Like genuinely will not stop talking about how she feels like Nick has been overlooking her and won’t stop taking her on group dates. YEAH, THAT’S KINDA THE POINT OF THE SHOW, JASMINE. Also, just gotta give a point of logic because Jasmine says that she was the only one on the date who hadn’t gotten a one-on-one. UHHHH, CORINNE HAD A TWO-ON-ONE NOT A ONE-ON-ONE. FOCUS ON THE TRUTH, JASMINE. Jasmine is getting, what I assume is, increasingly drunk and increasingly aggressive. At least with her words. Nick grabs her to talk to her and she truly can’t stop saying that she wants to choke him. It is the single most uncomfortable thing I’ve seen in awhile. As she’s actively losing her mind, Nick decides that he does not see a future with her and, I gotta give it to him, he broke up with a girl less than a minute after she said she was going to choke him. That is a BALLSY move. So BAI Jasmine, I do honestly believe you’re a cool girl, but this show was not the arena for you.

So, we’re back from the group date now. WAIT, WHAT???? WHAT ABOUT THE GROUP DATE ROSE OR ANY CLOSURE WHATSOEVER??? Rachel luckily tells us that Raven got the group date rose and then before we can process that, we’re whisked away to a helicopter with Whitney and Danielle L. for this 2-on-1—wHAT NO DATE CARD NOW??? SERIOUSLY WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF THIS EPISODE? It is an interesting date, though, if for no other reason than I do not believe I have ever actually heard Whitney speak before. They land, of course, in the wilderness, as expected for a 2-on-1. This tiny island looks so much like the island for the 2-on-1 last year with Olivia that I half expect her to crawl up to them looking emaciated after being left on the island for a full calendar year. It should be noted at this time that Vanessa and Danielle M. are genuine besties and they have decide to call Danielle L. “D.Lo”—something of which I am in full and complete support. So we head back to the 2-on-1 with Whatshername and D.Lo and Nick grabs Random Girl #2 and tells her that she’s been a really calming presence during this entire experience. Also, she’s really beautiful. That’s pretty much it, though, we don’t really see any more of their conversation. Nick heads off to talk to D.Lo who says that she wants an equal partner to stand by her side, she’s not looking for her “other half”. I love that. Then Nick excuses himself mid conversation with D.Lo to go break up with Whitney probably because he just remembered he’d brought her to the SIXTH WEEK of this show and he, too, didn’t quite understand why. Whitney fires back a little and even though she says she doesn’t dislike Danielle L., it definitely seems like she hates Danielle L. So, normally I would assume that he gave the rose to D.Lo right after that, but we just head to dinner with the two of them and it’s very clear that he has not yet given out the rose. V interesting. So D.Lo pours her heart out and the two of them can’t stop reminiscing meaning they’re not really moving forward at all and she finally says that she’s falling in love with him. Then he proceeds to be silent for a horribly long time. Even she giggles because, like, dude, you gotta say something. Eventually he does and says the classic, “My heart is just in a different place”. He says, though, that on the first night when he thought about whom he would get engaged to, he always thought it would be someone like Danielle L. This super goes to her head, by the way, and even when she’s leaving, she’s like “Oh, basically he proposed then took it back, that was the series of events, right?” It is a sad goodbye, but like I said before, the two of them had actually no chemistry whatsoever so BAI to D.Lo. She’s a cool girl, I was just over her on this show.

We see Nick heading up to the hotel, I suppose we are to presume his own, but he knocks on the door of the women’s room and Shit. Goes. Down. He just walks in and already is crying. He doesn’t even stay for that long, but he basically says that he really, really wants this process to work out and to have it be real at the end, but he doesn’t know if he can keep doing this. Wow. I have, and this may be surprising to some of you, not seen all 21 seasons of The Bachelor in their entirety, but I do not think this has ever happened. Like I genuinely am concerned that Nick might not finish this season, or even if he does, he’ll just not propose to anyone Brad Womack style. I’M STRESSED.

NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELOR: Vanessa, and everyone, but mostly Vanessa is freaking out, Nick cries on the balcony, and CORINNE IS STILL ON THIS SHOW, WTF????