We’re back, baby! Both me and the franchise I just can’t seem to quit. Three hours on a Monday night? SURE! I GUESS! This season I’m gonna try to keep up with this whole thing, and, for once in many, many seasons, am gonna try to avoid spoilers! I’m avoiding for a couple of reasons: I genuinely and truly don’t care who Peter ends up with because he’s boring and because Reality Steve’s website looks, and loads, like it was built in 2001 and has yet to be updated. So buckle up, ladies and gentlemen, and get ready for a bumpy ride!

We open, of course, with Peter walking out of an airplane hanger in IMPOSSIBLY tight jeans. He talks about how he’s been in love before and is here to find his wife blah blah blah. We’re quickly transported to his parent’s house, which, through some talk show appearances I’ve learned is STILL HIS HOME. Did we know that he still lived with his parents? I want to say that I don’t have judgement, but honestly, I do. Is this man ready to get married when he’s literally never paid rent?? In his landlord’s, sorry parent’s, home, which is absolutely TEEMING with potted plants, we find out that his family is potentially trilingual??? I hope everyone remembers that insane German chant they did during his hometown last season. Now they’re speaking Spanish? I forgot his family is Cuban. 

Inexplicably, Chris Harrison is now driving Peter around an undisclosed location. Why? We’ve seen his weird car with condoms in the center console before, we know the man drives! Finally, we see a rather lengthy segment of Peter walking through the Delta terminal at LAX taking pictures with people who truly don’t know who this man is. That terminal is nice, though! I wonder if the crew had to utilize the new LAX-it Lyft pickup when they were done for the day (extremely LA specific joke). 

Time to meet a few of the women vying to be Peter’s copilot (Why was this joke not used during this episode? Does ABC not think women can be pilots? Interested in this answer.). First is Alexa from Chicago, who introduces herself as a caregiver, but she also waxes vaginas. I’m unclear if she’s calling herself a caregiver because she waxes vaginas or if there really is another career we don’t know about. She says that waxing is a lot like love: “you have to bear it all”. Hmm. 

Hannah Ann is from Knoxville, TN and is a model. Ultimately, she’s apparently just a “normal girl”. I don’t care for her instantly. Next is Tammy from Syracuse who is wrestling the shit out of someone and she seems wild. She’s a house flipper and real estate agent and says that she loves Peter because he’s a pilot and she’s a jet setter. Apparently she thinks that “if he’s not [her] person, then [she] doesn’t know who is.” 

Victoria P. has a patient that MAY be dying during her intro - a loud beep was ringing behind her while she said her name and that she’s a nurse. She also has a slightly older patient, or perhaps wife of a patient, who asks “Are you married yet?” BITCH. Her dad passed away when she was 2 and her mom fell into addiction, so she was her sister’s primary care giver and had to grow up very fast. Her mom is now sober and it seems like they’re doing well! I’m getting Coach Crystal vibes from Victoria P., but she also might be nice and sweet? Only time will tell. 

Kelley is also from Chicago and is an attorney. She works with her entire family and has overprotective brothers who are, let’s face it, hot. Kelley apparently has met Peter before in California just a few weeks ago. INTERESTED IN THIS. Madison is from Auburn (is that a real place or just a college? I wasn’t paying attention.) and was a state champion in high school for basketball. Her dad, who looks truly younger than her, seems like he was her coach in middle school and he’s maybe still overly proud of that? She also, like, winks at her dad at the end which I do NOT care for. 

Maurissa is a plastic surgeon care coordinator and meets with a woman who BOLDLY states that she’s uncomfortable in her own body on national television. Maurissa was Ms. Montana Miss Teen USA, which is exactly how she said it, but seems redundant. She gained 80 pounds, then lost wait, and says that she’s taken control of her life and is ready to find someone to share it with her. Clearly it’s the editing, but I truly don’t understand Maurissa’s journey. 

I can’t believe it, but it’s already time for the first night to begin: Peter is getting ready at the Westlake Village Inn, OF COURSE and he’s made a choice to go with a bowtie for night one!!! Maybe he’s not as boring as I thought!!! He pulls up to the mansion and I swear Chris Harrison says “Welcome back to your mansion”. Ummm, it’s very clearly not his. Chris makes Peter state, on the record, that he’s over Hannah and just like that the first limo is here! THIS IS MOVING SO FAST I ALMOST CAN’T HANDLE IT. 

First limo entrance is Alayah who has a very beautiful dress and a grandmother named Rose who wrote Peter a letter. Peter has a grandmother named “Rose”, too! I’m sure many do! Sydney is next and seems extremely tiny. She’s from Alabama and I’ve got to be honest, her joke that “not every girl from Alabama makes bad decisions” is a pretty good joke! No notes! Hannah Ann has nothing interesting to say, but Peter seems to like how she looks. Sarah is a medical radiographer (?) and says “hubba hubba” and I’m hiding behind my blanket. 

Lauren is wearing a FIERCE jumpsuit and reminds me of Sienne from a couple years ago? She’s very pretty! Victoria P. steps out of the limo and appears to say a prayer. She and Peter “dance the scaries away”, which I hate. Mykenna is a fashion blogger and checks him out, Maurissa pinky promises him that they’ll be honest and dance like nobody’s watching, and Kelsey thinks that Hannah made a mistake. 

Eunice is a flight attendant wearing angel wings which only slightly distinguishes her from Jade and Megan, who are also flight attendants, but are NOT wearing halloween costumes. Madison comes running in a GIANT paper airplane, which, typing out seems like something I’d hate, but she pulls it off! I love Tammy and her metal detector. Someone told her there was a “large package” in front of the mansion. I’m not sure how a metal detector would be helpful to identify a large package, but sure! 

Shiann brought Peter a barf bag because he’s bound to have some nauseating conversations tonight and I am NOT here for this SHADE that has been thrown. NAWT a fan of Shiann. Courtney rides in on the tiniest toy plane I’ve ever seen and says she wants to be in the mile high club. A man, unfortunately not vying for Peter’s heart, wheels in some luggage and SURPRISE A WHOLE WOMAN IS INSIDE. Kiarra steps out and she’s not even that small??? I mean she’s very fit, but she seems to be of average height??? HOW DID SHE GET IN THERE? HOW LONG WAS SHE THERE? I HOPE THERE WAS AIR!

Lexi drives up in a cool old car and is very flirty. Deandra has a windmill on her back and asks Peter if he’s “ready for round 5”. Payton simply says, “4 times?” which I consider RUDE. Jasmine also asks about the windmill, but in another language and Kyle just brought like 40 condoms. I hope we’re moving past the windmills for the rest of the episode now, but I’m just positive that we’re not. 

Katrina has a hairless pussy cat, and just typing that is giving too much attention to her really terrible limo entrance. Victoria F. has a dry sense of humor and tells a joke that is, decidedly, not an example of dry humor. Also for the record, being boring does not mean you have a dry sense of humor. Victoria F. is also very pissed that she has a letter after her name, which is truly a dumb thing to be pissed about. 

Jenna brings Ashley P. with her, who is an emotional support cow and LEAVES the cow with Peter. This poor cow. Tammy, my favorite, though, thinks that this cow is a pony, which makes her even more iconic. Savannah blindfolds Peter and KISSES HIM, which I actually think is NOT okay and should have been shown on TV and I hate it so much. 

Then, Kelley exits the limo and I’ve truly never seen a man light up as much as Peter lights up with Kelley arrives. He remembers her name, which I wasn’t expecting, and instantly they start dancing and...are they already dating? Kelley tells the rest of the girls that she’s met him once already, which is a good move, because they are going to find out eventually, might as well just get it out of the way. Alexa, Avonlea (not a name), and Natasha round out the limo entrances. Good GOD that was a lot of women. But wait. There’s another limo?!?!!?

HANNAH herself steps out of the limo and I’ve never felt more connected to anyone than I did to the woman (I’m hoping Tammy) who SHOUTS, “IS THAT LEGAL?!?” Mystery woman, I’m not positive it is. It’s unclear why Hannah is here initially, but we find out that she’s here to return the wings that Peter gave to her on her first night, which is actually a very lovely gesture and I DON’T CARE THAT A PRODUCER DECIDED TO DO THIS. Peter’s very emotional and, maybe, disappointed? He thanks Hannah for coming and walks into the mansion without her. 

He tells the women why Hannah was there and also says that he did fall in love with her. Seeing her tonight has given him more hope that he can find love again. He thanks all the women for being courageous and taking this chance with him and raises his glass to the beginning of the greatest love story he’s ever seen. Will it be? 

It actually appears that no one steals him first, but Alayah sits with him first and they read the letter from her grandmother. They share a cute moment when he accidentally think that her grandmother wanted him to know that she likes good looks, when she in fact likes good books and it’s sweet! Also, the women are HAMMERED already? 

Maurissa has been single for 4 years and she and Peter come up with a handshake. Madison actually brought a SECOND giant paper airplane and they play around in the driveway for a little while. ALREADY Chris is here with the first impression rose. THIS NIGHT IS SIMPLY FLYING BY. Someone, I’m not sure who, brings a mini golf hole with a windmill in the middle, he and Lexi drive around in the old car, and he dances with someone very badly. 

Hannah Ann tells Peter that her parents are still together and he kisses her hand because I guess that’s endearing? She seems like a very boring person. I’m OBSESSED with two women watching this interaction because they just say, and I quote, “What are they laughing about?” and a bitch says “She might be funny”. LOL SHE’S NOT I PROMISE. Hannah Ann brought Peter a very bad painting of the smoky mountains and I’m pretty sure she just went to one of those paint and sip places and, like the rest of us who have done one of those, had absolutely no idea what to do with the ugly painting. Peter kisses Hannah Ann and calls her his lucky charm? Why? 

Tammy, ever the star, handcuffs him and pats him down with gloves and pulls a condom out of his pocket which may or may not have actually been there. Tammy is a whole mood. Tammy gets a kiss also! I was not expecting that! Natasha is an open book and gets interrupted by Mykenna who is throwing paper airplanes at them while they’re trying to talk. Mykenna manages to get Peter away from Natasha, but Natasha re-enters with the EVEN BIGGER paper airplane Madison arrived in to interrupt Mykenna. This is truly the level of petty I’m here for. It’s unclear how, but Mykenna manages to get a kiss with full tongue. Peter may have the record for most kisses night one? Where can I check this stat?

All of the women are very drunk at this point and Hannah Ann steals Peter for a second time. Not but a moment later, she steals Peter AGAIN for a third time, this time while Peter was talking to Shiann. Just gotta say here: my instincts are always right, I hated Hannah Ann from the moment I saw her. 

Shiann confronts Hannah Ann about her interruption, but not even really, because Hannah Ann is just like “I want you to get your time!” and Shiann starts crying and that’s the end of the conversation? It’s a very confusing non-confrontation. The next segment, if you could call it that, is just about stealing, ending with Victoria P. stealing Peter from the very boring and not at all dry Victoria F. Victoria F. starts bawling inexplicably. I’m wholly uninterested in this drama.

Peter sits out front with Kelley and he tells her that he hasn’t stopped thinking about her since they met and honestly they’re in love already I’m into it. They have, in my opinion, a very natural chemistry and Peter doesn’t know why she’s still on the market. And yet, THEY DON’T KISS. Why has he kissed 5 other women, but the woman he already loves is left with nothing. I

Peter grabs the first impression rose and heads outside and I’m livid because Hannah Ann is getting this damn rose. He tells her that there’s “room for 2 Hannahs” in his heart and I HATE IT. They make out pretty hard core and WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT IT’S ALREADY TIME FOR THE FIRST ROSE CEREMONY. 

For the rose ceremony, it’s literally noon, which is wild. Peter thanks the ladies for being there and says that he’s holding on to the fact that each ceremony will get him closer to his forever love. Congrats to: Victoria P., Madison, Kelley, Lexi, Savannah, Lauren, Tammy, Alayah, Jasmine, Sydney, Natasha, Mykenna, Deandra, Sarah, Alexa, Kelsey, Payton, Kiarra, Courtney, Shiann, and Victoria F. BAI to I think a couple of the flight attendants and I’m not sure who else? Just one of these seasons, I want a girl to leave night one and be like “You’re right, we had zero chemistry, I’m happy to go home and just hang out now”. And I can’t believe it, but the episode is FAR from over! We have like a full hour and a half of the episode left!

For the first time in my recent memory, we’re using the first episode to actually see some first dates! While the ladies are at the mansion getting adjusted to life after being awake for what seemed like 36 straight hours, Peter is at an airplane hanger, again, though this time washing his plane shirtless. This might be dumb, actually I’m sure it’s dumb, why must the plane be washed? I’m assuming to keep the paint nice, but I suppose it never occurred to me that someone had that job. At the mansion, the first date card arrives: “Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria P., Jasmine, Victoria F.: Look up...Peter”. I love Tammy: “What does ‘look up’ mean?” WE ALL WANT TO KNOW, TAMMY. 

Peter is now flying the plane he was washing and he flies over the mansion and the girls wave and he, out loud, goes, “See you girls soon, alright?” Does he...think they can hear him? The plane, allegedly, lands and the women meet Peter at this small airport where Peter learned to fly. Peter’s invited two badass female pilots to the date, clearly better pilots than him, which I think makes me like him more? The ladies are going to flight school! I think they’re not, but sure we can call it that!

The first lesson of the day is MATH which is an absolutely insane thing to have to do on a first date. Also, they have to know how many feet are in a mile to join the mile high club. Is that a math thing or just a common knowledge thing? Then they do actually have to do like a “if the plane is going this fast for this many miles, what time will you get there.” To mine, and Katie Cook, one of the female pilot’s surprise, someone “actually” got it right. Katie Cook literally said, “That’s actually right.” You see in her eyes she’s wondering how she got there. The next “lesson” is flying terminology and it’s all very dirty and just not funny or interesting. The final lesson of flight school is getting in a gyroscope. I’m extremely unclear how this will help someone fly, but, I guess this is the reason they’re wearing fitness clothes? Shoutout to Tammy: “My husband shouldn’t want me to puke for him.” Honestly couldn’t have said it better. 

Victoria P., we find out, gets pretty severe motion sickness, and also, HAS TEACUP TRAUMA. OMG. Even better than dog trauma or car trauma (we miss your messiness, Annaliese), the bitch went to Disneyland and has never recovered. She does actually get into the gyroscope last, which you have to give her props for, and she does indeed get sick. Though, the sound effect makes me question whether she vomited or had diarrhea. 

The ladies are all in jumpsuits now (again, they clearly did not have to wear fitness gear) and find out they have to do an obstacle course. It’s lengthy. They start with mock turbulence, which is just spinning around in an office chair? Why were there 10 office chairs available in a plane hanger? Does anyone on the production team know what turbulence is, like, at all? Next, they have to open a safety vest, go down an inflatable slide, and go through, essentially, a wind tunnel to get a boarding pass. FROM THERE, they have to find a piece of luggage, go through security, and change into a pilot’s uniform. The first two women in their uniforms will go to the final step of the course, which is, tricycle riding? This obstacle course is SO loosely related to airplane travel, it’s hilarious. After the 99 step obstacle course, the final woman will get to go on a sunset flight with Peter. 

Before the obstacle course starts, Peter kisses Tammy? Right in front of everyone? I’m so confused? The entire obstacle course is rather standard, except for one thing: the bottom of the slide seems to be filled with baby feces? They literally look like they’ve all shat their pants. I don’t understand.

The final two women standing, or rather, tricycling, are Tammy and Kelley. My two faves!!!! Kelley appears to cheat, though I wasn’t really paying attention, so I’m thrilled when she wins! Everyone else is crying! This is going to be a very cry-forward season!

We quickly cut to Kelley and Peter in the plan and she makes an okay joke: “Do you have wifi up here? Because I’m feeling a strong connection.” Peter LOVES this joke. In a way that makes me wonder if he’s never heard any joke ever before? They might have kissed in the plane, it’s unclear. 

The cocktail party takes place at the Four Seasons Westlake Village and Victoria P. is ROCKING some glasses for this cocktail party. We stan a bespectacled lady!!!! Before Peter even arrives, Tammy tries to confront Kelley about her “cheating” in the final stage of the obstacle course. Shoutout to Kelley who’s just like “I’m not quite sure what I should do here”. I wouldn’t know what to do either!! I’ve asked a couple of friends and it’s unclear if I’m the odd one out in being 100% fine with Kelley’s alleged cheating? It’s very clear to me she didn’t do it intentionally and she’s just a normal person?

Victoria P. sits with Peter first and tells him that this whole journey has been out of her comfort zone. Truly in the midst of them talking, he literally leaves, and we find out that he’s STEALING flowers from the four seasons because he remembered that she said no one has given her flowers before. Cute! Also, this act of theft makes me think that he and Kelley are meant to be. She still reminds me of Crystal so much, jury is still out. 

Back at the mansion, another date card arrives: “Madison, I want to show you what forever looks like...Peter”. Savannah is a MESS. 

At the cocktail party, Shiann tells Peter that today was hard for her. Shiann, I need you to calm down. Producers send Kelley in to interrupt Shiann, which of course sets her off into a crying fit, and poor Kelley, again, comes off as the bad guy. 

We find out that this exact Four Seasons is the location where Peter and Kelley previously met. They walk to the actual place they met and talk about how they danced right when they met and I just love their chemistry. They sit down and he tells her that he knows there’s a target on her back and he wants her not to let that affect her. Then, he truly lifts her up onto the bar to make out with her. I mean, DAMN, I did not expect such physical chemistry in the first episode. 

Peter grabs the group date rose, and I assume that it’s going to Victoria P., but INSTEAD, Peter chooses to reveal that this is the place he and Kelley met and gives it to her. I’m so torn! I love Kelley, but this made it worse! The rest of the women make note of this being the place that they met and they all hate Kelley and I hope it resolves itself shortly. 

Time for Madison’s date! Madison comes downstairs in what appears to be the most formal dress for a daytime date of all time. They go on a short drive while Peter is GRIPPING her hand and he drives up to his parents’ house. REMINDER THIS IS ALSO HIS HOUSE BECAUSE HE LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS. We find out that they’re here to watch his parents’ vow renewal? I HATE THIS SO, SO MUCH. This date genuinely makes me so upset, they have completely tainted what should be a moment spent with close family and friends. 

The vows are sweet, but they make Madison talk to his whole family and even give a toast and I’m just cringing the whole time. Madison actually handles it quite well, the poor girl. She and Peter go have dinner in the middle of a park and she does seem like a pretty normal, genuine person. THOUGH, have we all seen her accidental comment on her own Instagram? It’s iconic. She and Peter talk about absolutely nothing and he kisses her and I truly don’t think that she likes kissing him. Or at least doesn’t like kissing him the same way Peter likes kissing every other girl. She gets the rose and they head off to a private concert put on by Tenille Arts, who, I believe, has performed at other private Bachelor concerts! There’s a whole industry for this! But, BUT, it’s not so private - Peter’s whole family comes in to crash the end of this date. Please, please make it stop. 

The final date card arrives: “Lauren, Sydney, Payton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, Mykenna, Alayah, Savannah: I hope this isn’t awkward...Peter”. They head to the Avalon in Hollywood and Peter reveals that he has no idea what this date is going to be. He’s asked a friend to plan this whole date for them and he’ll find out when they do. They walk into the theater and in shadows is a windmill and a shadowed figure. SURPRISE, it’s Hannah again! Poor Hannah, can’t they just let her stare at her mirror ball trophy and cry in peace?

“The beast is back, bitches”. Indeed she is. She tells the lady about her relationship with Peter and how they had sex four times in the windmill. THE PERFECT BEDTIME STORY. Hannah tells the ladies that they have to be comfortable talking about physical stuff and so they’re going to have a share a personal story about sex in front of a live audience. Hate it. The women go off into different corners of this impossibly dark room and Hannah is left behind the windmill crying and talking to a producer. 

Hannah winds up in a dressing room backstage crying by herself and Peter finds her. Her mascara is EVERYWHERE already and we’ve only known she’s been crying for a moment or two. Peter asks her how it was coming the first night to the mansion and she says it was terrible. He reveals that a little bit of him was hoping that she wasn’t just dropping something off that night, that she might come in. Honestly this whole thing is fucked up for many reasons. The conversation gets a little more heated when he asks her if she ever had a thought of asking him out after the show the way that she asked Tyler out after the show.  

Peter says that he thought he wasn’t confused, but now he’s not so sure. He even goes so far as to ASK HER TO BE A PART OF THE HOUSE. SHE SAYS ‘MAYBE’. THIS IS TOO MUCH DRAMA I’M NOT SURE I CAN HANDLE IT. 

Hannah seems like she might be a little pissed now and she gets up and walks across the room to have the rest of this conversation. Peter asks if she regrets sending him home and she says that she questions is all the time. In her mind, there was zero doubt that it was going to be Peter and Jed at the end. WHAT. WHAT IS THIS REVEAL. Peter seems like he’s going to cry hearing this. Hannah says what I believe is the crux of this entire thing: she broke everyone’s heart including her own. OF COURSE she’s going to be confused being forced to see this guy that she once loved because she ROYALLY fucked up her choice and this seems easier than anything else she’s got going on. 

Peter again asks about if she would have asked him out after the show and she literally says that she thought he wanted to be the Bachelor. DAMN. A spicy response IMO. Peter says in a confessional that he can’t help how he’s feeling - he looks at her and doesn’t want to stop looking at her. He wants to kiss her and have had this all work out. He’s crying and this is TOO MUCH for night one of this season. Luckily, this is all TO BE CONTINUED. 

Coming up on The Bachelor: well damn, it appears that Peter and Hannah are going to kiss and that she might actually stay?!?! There’s no way, right??? Everyone else is crying. Until next week! Protect your hearts, my little Bachelor fam!