As one of my friends asked while watching this episode, “Are there more people crying than usual?” Chris Harrison must be thrilled to find out that it really might be the most dramatic season ever. This week, we completely and utterly throw out the format of this show with a rose ceremony absolutely mid-episode. What could this mean for the rest of the season? Is the finale going to be like 6 hours long?? Last week, we left off with Peter and Hannah having a difficult conversation while 10 girls he’s dating are writing in a journal about a sexual experience they’ve had. Let’s jump back into that!

Peter says that it sounds crazy that he asked her to come back to the house and gotta say I AGREE. How absolutely wild would it be?? The closest we have to that is Nick Viall and absolutely no one ever wants to see that again. Also, I do occasionally see Nick Viall in person because he also takes the same direct flight to Milwaukee from Los Angeles for the holidays and I’m sorry to tell him ALL DIRECT FLIGHTS TO MILWAUKEE HAVE BEEN CANCELED. Neither here nor there. 

ANYWAY. Peter says that it sucks to hear that she thought he just wanted to be the Bachelor, which was absolutely true, but at least he agrees with my analysis that it was an absolutely SAVAGE comment. The thing about this whole conversation is they’re both right the entire time and I’m not at all sure if I’m on anyone’s side at all. Hannah says that she’s proud of a lot of the things she did, but her decisions may not always have been right. 

The rest of the girls are still sitting alone in this extremely dark theatre just waiting for Peter to walk around and make them feel normal about sharing what I’m sure will be very horrible stories. 

Peter tells Hannah that all he wants is for someone to want him as much as he wants them. He then raises what I believe to be the most valid point by asking her if she’s just missing the “what ifs” rather than actually him. I mean, I’d turn that question right back around on him, but at least Hannah’s honest when she says that she can’t truthfully say that it’s not the “what ifs”. She climbs physically on top of his body to hug him while the camera through the door races to try to find a good angle (it never does). Eventually, he says that he can’t do this, but, unfortunately, he’s fully covered in sparkles. 

He grabs all the women, who have eventually realized that Peter’s not going around to them individually and thus have just started chatting in a group. He tells them that the date card is very accurate because this is awkward, which would have been a funny joke if we hadn’t seen the date card truly 7 days ago. 

He tells the women that he’s sorry, but he doesn’t think they can continue the group date because he’s not in the right headspace. I’m not sure what I thought was going to happen, but it was...not that. The women are PISSED. Rightfully so. Shoutout to Natasha: “Every day I’ve seen you, I’ve seen her.” TRUE. I mean, he feels like a jerk, but he needs to gather himself. I feel like Peter’s going to make me annoyed at him a lot this season, but actually vocalize why he’s annoying to me and that self-awareness might be the most annoying of all. While they’re not going to continue the date today (thank god), they are still going to have a cocktail party that evening. 

They show up to this cool mansion and immediately it’s clear that Natasha hates Peter so much. He sits down with all the women and says that he wants to put today in the past and enjoy the night. The ladies probably will enjoy the night because they’re holding the single largest gold goblets I have ever seen in my whole life. If Olivia Pope’s wine glasses got bloated and bronzed, they would PALE in comparison to these goblets. 

Peter and Alexa sit down first and she kindly asks him how he’s doing. He tells her that in a weird way, today actually helped him, which I actually do believe. Natasha is talking to the other women basically saying how much she hates him and when Peter grabs her to chat she SWERVES out of his hug. Do I love Natasha or do I hate her? I can’t tell. I love that he notices her vibe right away though and just asks her to let him have it because she’s clearly pissed. She says that she’s really upset and she doesn’t want him figuring out his feelings at the expense of the women. YES FAIR, NATASHA. I do have to give it up to Peter who respects everything she’s saying, but says that he’s sure she can relate to the kind of relationship that’s just really hard to let go of. She clearly does relate to this and it seems to soften her a bit. Also he loves how direct she is, which I’ve decided I do, too. 

Sydney sits with Peter, and I definitely didn’t know who Sydney was heading into this cocktail party, but she surprised me. She’s from Alabama and talks about growing up biracial in the south. She describes herself as a strong person, but feels like that strength has hindered her ability to be vulnerable and I gotta say: is Sydney trying to take Kelley’s spot for most normal girl around??? She really is just not what I expected her to be, and I feel like Peter agrees. 

Mykenna has this way of talking about absolutely nothing with Peter, yet apparently wooing him. They dance and Peter is NOT a strong solo dancer, but does okay at partnering. He’s starting his DWTS campaign much earlier than most do!!! Peter picks Mykenna up and sits her down to make out with her - Arie had walls and now Peter has counters! Such a signature move!

Peter grabs the group date rose and says that the rose is going to someone who shared their heart and showed him how much love they have to give. The rose goes to Sydney!! I’m genuinely surprised!!!

From one cocktail party to another: it’s almost time for a rose ceremony! WHAT IS THIS PACING?!?! The girls from the last date are explaining the chaos that happened when Peter walks in to briefly...explain the chaos that happened.  He moves on very quickly and toasts to the future. 

Lexi sits with Peter first and sits is a generous word because she literally has the worst posture of all time. She has to remind him that she rode in the first night in a convertible, or rather, Peter pretends not to know. He presents her with a toy car, which I guess is cute?

We move on to what takes up most of the night: Kelsey’s champagne bottle. We find out that there’s a bunch of girls in the house who are really excited for Kelsey to have her moment with her champagne. Why? So apparently Kelsey has had this bottle of champagne sitting on her counter for over a year and has wanted to wait for the right moment to open it. She wanted to do it night one, but didn’t find the moment?

Kelsey sets up a nice little moment by the fire with the bottle of champagne (it has a bow on it. Did she bring the bow also?) and blankets and candles and such. When she’s about to go grab Peter to take him to this predetermined location and setup, she walks up to find Mykenna has grabbed him to talk to him. This literally SETS KELSEY OFF. She finds this absolutely ABHORRENT that Mykenna would steal him before other girls get a chance to. Kelsey’s telling all this to other women in the living room when Mykenna walks in. My assumption is that Kelsey will ask to speak to Mykenna privately, which she sort of does, but then just stays in the living room with the 8 other women to “confront” Mykenna. 

Look, I don’t love Mykenna, but she fully did nothing wrong here? Kelsey basically sits next to her on the couch and yells and her for 10 minutes telling her that she’s making excuses for her decisions and that she’s disrespectful. Kelsey’s appalled that Mykenna doesn’t feel guilt and, like, I don’t blame her at all??? She even goes as far as to say that no one will give her sympathy in this house and I realize I’m watching a full crazy person. 

While this chaos is ensuing (is the word of the season simply: chaos???), Madison and Peter sit down and talk about their gross date with his family. He has a gift for her, and WHAT is with all the gifts this season? Don’t these people know that these gifts must travel with them to SEVERAL countries for the next 6 weeks?? He gives her a photo of his whole family plus her on the day of the vow renewal. I hate it so, so much, I must look away. 

Kelsey is still in the living room, many of the girls seem to have fled, but Alayah is still there fixing her concealer. Her concealer is seemingly fixed when she goes outside to find the girls who did their best to avoid her. She’s telling them, again, about how this champagne bottle has sat unopened for over a year and she truly can’t wait to open it tonight. Spoiler, but I really do wish we got to see the conversation of her being like “So, Peter, I brought this bottle from Iowa, and I wanted to wait until it was a really special moment” and then you just see his face like 😬and he has to be like “Aw, that’s...cool!”

So we see Hannah Ann circling around the champagne set up and all of a sudden she’s with Peter and it’s VERY apparent shit is about to go down. They sit down by the fire and Hannah Ann POPS the champagne. She even shakes it up, meaning more of it went to waste than was necessary. The sound of the pop + Kelsey’s face hearing the pop = cinematic masterpiece. 

Kelsey CANNOT handle that the champagne was popped. She peeks her head around the corner and realizes what has happened and bursts into tears. She walks around the house for a few minutes and eventually approaches Peter and Hannah Ann and just says, “Excuse me?” in a way I think she thought would be aggressive, but is just sad. She can’t even hold it together for a second to see what their response is before running into a room and shutting the door. 

Peter goes to the room that Kelsey is in and knocks on the door and she refuses to talk to him? It’s so unclear why she would be mad at him for anything truly. Tammy, who at this point, seems to be Kelsey’s ally, goes up to Hannah Ann and tells her about the champagne and Hannah Ann says that she had no idea. Now, I hate Hannah Ann, as you know if you’ve read my previous recap, but there’s truly no way the girl knew. Why the fuck would she? 

Eventually Kelsey leaves the room and sort of walks over to Hannah Ann, but she’s still crying a lot, and Peter’s following her and it’s just truly wild. Eventually she stops walking because she physically has to, but not before she knocks over ANOTHER champagne bottle, allegedly the one Hannah Ann SHOULD have opened and this is really just an incredible scene. These Bachelor producers are working so damn hard to make this drama and the irony this season is top, top notch. 

Peter gets Kelsey to sit down for a minute, a true hero move, and they decide to drink this OTHER champagne, but Kelsey wants to drink from the bottle because she’s “not a classy bitch all the time”. Certainly not. She takes a swig and as she’s finishing her sip, the champagne EXPLODES RIGHT IN HER FACE. I CANNOT, UNSCRIPTED TELEVISION IS MAGIC. Poor Peter having to deal with this crazy woman who’s getting literally everything she deserves in that moment. 

Kelsey has cleaned herself up and is sitting down when Hannah Ann approaches her, for what reason, I’m not sure. Kelsey truly does attack this girl and calls her fake, a pretty princess, and calculated and just, honestly, bullies Hannah Ann. No one likes Hannah Ann obviously, but like, Kelsey lay off for a second, my god. The best part may have been when Hannah Ann, definitely insincerely goes, “I’ve acknowledged your feelings, I respect your opinions, but we’re moving forward.” and Kelsey just goes, “I’m not.” LOL both of these girls just need to leave. 

Chris Harrison comes in to tell the ladies that it’s time for the rose ceremony and Tammy says her curls are falling out because she’s so stressed. Tammy ALSO, though, reveals that she thinks Kelsey is “emotionally unstable” and I knew I liked Tammy!!! Tammy wants Kelsey and her champagne crisis to go home. 

Kelsey and Hannah Ann are standing next to each other as Peter walks in and thanks the ladies for a great night and good conversation. He’s excited for this group moving forward. LOL. Congrats to: Mykenna, Victoria P., Natasha, Jasmine, Sarah, Lexi, Hannah Ann, Alexa, Tammy, Alayah, Deandra, Victoria F., Shiann, Kiarra, Savannah, and Kelsey. Ugh. Bai to Courtney, Lauren, and some girl I’ve never seen in my life? Okay, well this girl that I’ve never seen is wearing a neon pink and sparkle zebra stripe which I personally DO NOT care for. 

The next morning, the champagne bottle is still laying outside by the fireplace when the first date card arrives. “Alexa, Mykenna, Natasha, Deandra, Lexi, Victoria F., Kelsey, Hannah Ann: Time to let you personality shine...Peter”. Mmk. Victoria F. is of course nervous because she does not have a personality. 

The women rock up to the Revolve store on Melrose and this is the first time that a company that seems to literally only exist on the Instagram feeds of Bachelor alumni has made it to the big time. They walk in screaming to find Carson Kresley, Janice Dickinson, and a woman who I believe is maybe named Reesa? She works for Revolve. Anyway. They find out that they’re going to be shopping the store and then modeling in a Revolve fashion show. Also, there will be a winner! The women will be judged on style, technique, and personality and the winner gets everything in the Revolve closet. DAMN. I love that the winner doesn’t get more time with Peter, though. 

They have an hour until the runway show???? That seems INSANE. Hannah Ann picks up the worst hat I’ve ever seen, Mykenna is really confident in her two outfits, and Victoria F. is overwhelmed and crying. She says that she can’t be confident in front of guys and while she’s having an emotional breakdown, the producers send in Kelsey who seems UNIQUELY qualified to handle this nonsense. 

Very quickly, we’ve moved locations for the runway show (literally no physical way they could have shopped, moved locations, and gotten ready for this runway show in an hour, but whatever). Also, the runway isn’t centered with the Revolve logo and it’s REALLY bothering me. We find out that the women will be strutting their stuff in two looks: one for daytime and one for evening and there will be 2 women chosen for a final head to head runway walk. 

To start the show, Carson introduces Peter who is dressed exactly how you would think a white person emulating Kanye might dress. He’s doing a weird moonwalk thing that is slightly impressive, but is not at all necessary? 

Natasha is first and rocks the runway, Mykenna winks and drops rose petals, and Kelsey has an extremely simple outfit. Alexa’s ass is hanging out, Lexi has very ugly boots on, and I have to laugh at Hannah Ann who’s wearing a wedding dress. Honestly, it’s pretty funny. Victoria F., who’s been freaking out the whole time, is INSTANTLY adored by Carson and Janice for some reason?

For the “night” looks, which, now looking back, Hannah Ann chose a wedding dress as her daytime look???? Natasha looks like a “really sexy amish person” and I’m dead. Kelsey comes out with a bottle of champagne and pajamas. Hannah Ann is wearing this damn hat for evening? I truly hate it so much. Though, at this point I’m realizing if Hannah Ann doesn’t win, that would be a complete embarrassment for her career. Victoria F. is wearing full lingerie and kisses Peter on her way down the runway and gotta give it to her, she found a way to stand out without a personality! 

The two finalists, heading for a walk off, are, of course, Hannah Ann and Victoria F. Victoria F. feels “noticed”, which is maybe the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. The two of them wear the exact same dress, which is clearly incomplete, as they walk down the runway and Hannah Ann, of course, like, does better I guess. Victoria F. puts forth absolutely no effort, though, so it’s not exactly a “win”. Oh yeah Hannah Ann does win and is presented with all of her clothes right then and there on the runway. If you watched the final credits, you’ll know that the men that presented her with her clothes were “provided” by “Man Servants”. I may or may not see if Man Servants is a viable company that could potentially send hot men over to my apartment to kill bugs when I see them because I live alone now and I definitely don’t want to kill the bugs, but I definitely do want to look at hot men. 

They head to the weird antique store they’ve been going for the last several years for the cocktail party. Victoria F. tells Peter that today was tough, but she’s so, so quiet in a very awkward way. Like, it seems like she’s mad at him, I don’t get it. She tells Peter that she doesn’t know if she’s cut out for this and isn’t sure if this is worth it for her mental health. LEAVE, THEN. YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO BE HERE, VICTORIA. ALSO WHY DID YOU SIGN UP. She starts crying again and Peter wants her to stop being embarrassed and eventually he grabs her and takes her into a dark corner so she can get some privacy, which is honestly sweet. He says that he knows she’s not like the other girls here and it’s endearing that this is hard for her. Peter doesn’t want her to leave and, while this is a cute moment for the two of them, my god if this relationship is built on him having to just build her up every second, I do not have high hopes.

Hannah Ann decides that tonight she has to tell Peter about Kelsey calling her a “beep beep beep” last night. I have to laugh. Kelsey has had some time with Peter which we didn’t get to see and comes back to the women saying that she feels like she got enough validation tonight. 

Peter and Hannah Ann walk to a very well lit couch and she tells him that today has been very memorable. She then proceeds to tell him that she was up all night crying. EW NO SHE WASN’T. Now, okay, she goes on to tell him that Kelsey bullied her, which she definitely did, but she absolutely does not give a shit about that at all. There’s no way at all Hannah Ann even thought about Kelsey for even one second last night and her playing up this victim thing is a legit nightmare. I hate both of them so much. Peter’s not okay with Hannah Ann being bullied, which is the correct way to feel, I just wish he knew that she just truly doesn’t care that she was called names by this crazy woman. 

Kind of suddenly, it’s time for the group date rose? Peter pretty quickly just says that he’ll hold on to the conversations he had tonight and he sees a future and potential with...Victoria F.??? Truly no way he does, but the girl needs a boost of self-esteem, so, sure, why not. Immediately after giving out the rose, he asks to speak with Kelsey. This is absolutely not the correct order of operations. 

Kelsey and Peter sit down on the same well lit couch and he says that it was brought to his attention that Hannah Ann feels bullied by Kelsey. Honestly, Kelsey doesn’t deny it lol. She just starts telling Peter that Hannah Ann acts one way around him and a completely different way around the house. She pretty lightly denies that she was bullying Hannah Ann and seems to just forget what bullying is when she says, “There’s a difference between me saying not nice words to her face and actual bullying.” Um, is there? Also, of course, Kelsey says that SHE was bullied in the past and this was not that. Lol. Kelsey’s a bully and even if I don’t like the person she’s bullying, doesn’t make it any less true. Peter doesn’t quite know what to do with these conflicting and boring stories and honestly neither do I. 

Next week on The Bachelor: Hannah Ann and Kelsey are forced to talk, Demi is there inexplicably, and there’s a pillow fight of sorts. And later this season: they go to Costa Rica, and to a football field, and Sydney gets to go on a helicopter ride! Madison, Hannah Ann, Victoria P., and Kelley all seem to make it pretty far. Also Kelsey says she loves him, but honestly that could be next week. Someone pulls a Luke and won’t respect Peter if he sleeps with someone, Peter’s mom is legit sobbing, and it looks like maybe someone leaves??? Cannot wait. Until next week, BAI!!