The drama simply will not cease on this season of The Bachelor. This week, we have to quickly move on from #ChampagneGate because there’s plenty more chaos to go around. Enough of the chit-chat, let’s jump in!

I actually forgot that we left the last episode very weirdly when Peter talked to Kelsey after he had already given out the group date rose. The next morning, Kelsey is still crying, and now so is Hannah Ann? The two of them have separate conversations about their sides of the stories with various women and it’s clear that, much like the second bottle of champagne, something’s a’brewing. 

Oh ALSO, we still have another date to go on this “week”!!!! God, I am just truly THROWN by this pacing. We don’t get to see a date card, but Victoria P. is getting ready for a one-on-one and is excited to spend time with Peter with no distractions. Honestly, same. 

They’re driving around Thousand Oaks in an old pickup truck and Victoria P. suddenly has a southern accent now? Or maybe I missed it when she was throwing up from the gyroscope. Peter takes her to a place where they can try on cowboy boots and hats and I’m fearful for this Los Angeles version of a country date. 

We pull up to what appears to be a saloon and find out that his friends and family LOVE to line dance. I’m sorry, what?? Sure, it’s super fun for a single night, but then you forget that it’s an activity that you can do and don’t return for many years. I’ve been to Thousand Oaks exactly once and all I remember is big houses, lots of families, and absolutely no one line dancing. This moment has thrown me for a loop. 

Peter’s impressed with Victoria P.’s line dancing skills and shoot, now I’m remembering that I’m an excellent line dancer and maybe if I did remember that I “love” to line dance, I’d already have a man. 😕I guess a trip to Thousand Oaks is in the cards!!!

Victoria P. tells Peter that she has “more than just a crush” on him right now and she’s “smitten”. Because of the weird ass way they’ve cut this season together, it doesn’t seem absolutely bonkers that she’s basically saying 4 days into it that she’s falling in love with Peter. Peter feels like there’s chemistry between them and even says that he may have found his dance partner for life. Cute!

Back at the mention, Hannah Ann and Kelsey sit down to have a conversation about the tragedy that happened the night before. Kelsey opens the conversation that it’s not about the champagne and, surprise, SHE DOESN’T EVEN REALLY LIKE CHAMPAGNE. She could truly work in political spin, that defense is pure bonkers. Hannah Ann does not appreciate that Kelsey thinks she’s fake and definitely NEVER would steal someone’s champagne. 

Kelsey’s mad that Hannah Ann didn’t talk to her before she talked to Peter about it. Rightfully, Hannah Ann points out that one of the last things Kelsey said directly to her is to “stay the fuck away” from her. Kellyanne, or sorry, KELSEY, asks “So, we’re gonna make this about me now?” THE GASLIGHTING IS SIMPLY TOO SEVERE.

Back to Victoria P.’s date, Peter and Victoria approach an area, I can only describe as “amongst airplanes”. Peter asks Victoria why she is the way he is, and in between lip bites, she describes herself as a caregiver and a positive person. They’re sitting on the same side of the table, which, of course, makes me wildly uncomfortable, but comes in handy when she truly needs to hug someone during this tough conversation. 

She tells Peter that her dad passed away when she was really young and her mom fell into addiction. As a result, she and her sister grew up in and out of shelters and she was forced to be the rock for her mom and sister. Some days, she wasn’t sure she would have food. One of her dreams growing up was to get out of that place and have a healthy and happy life. In the past, she didn’t feel deserving of relationships, something she’d shared with Peter on night one, but she’s grateful because she feels that he’s shown her what she deserves. I appreciate Victoria admitting that this is a heavy conversation and he’s already had a heavy week. I was slightly on the fence with Victoria P. before this conversation - I couldn’t figure out if she was being genuine - but I feel like if she’s a person who’s gone through that kind of life, I’m glad she opened up about everything so early on. It’s just like...an unavoidable thing to talk about. Might as well confront it right away. 

Peter tells Victoria that a few days before this started, he was talking to god and asking him to watch over the girl he was going to marry and he knew this would work. He says that he’s never been inspired by someone so much in his entire life. She gets a rose, deservedly, and they head amongst the planes to find a cockpit to make out in. I hear it, too, don’t worry. 

At the mansion, Alayah has stolen someone’s captain hat and is generally being a very annoying person? We find out, or maybe confirmed, that she did pageants and she says that because of that people think she’s innocent? But NO, she has a “wild side” apparently, as evidenced by her unnecessary statement that she’d like to join the mile high club. I mean, go for it, girl, but also, just like, be a chill person. 

The next date card arrives. YES THAT’S RIGHT, WE STILL HAVE TO FINISH A FULL OTHER DATE BEFORE WE GET TO A ROSE CEREMONY. “Kiarra, Sarah, Tammy, Kelley, Shiann, Savannah, Sydney, Alayah: I love surprises, I hope you do, too….Peter” We find out that the women have received the date card the night before - has that ever happened? Is there a Bachelor fact website where I could check? Shoot, do I have to make that now? 

The next morning, three women, one of them being Queen Demi, arrive at the mansion and DESTROY the women sleeping soundly in their PBTeen bunk beds. Really sucked the glamour right out of that mansion. I’d honestly be so livid if I was woken up like this. 

The women, ALL of them, not just the ones on this date, head downstairs where Demi, the icon, says, “Okay, ladies, y’all look haggard as fuck.” LOL. Also, Demi and Peter are apparently “good friends”? Hmm. 

One of the women with Demi is named “Champagne” and we glossed over that SO quickly and didn’t even get a cut to Kelsey’s face. The girls on the date get a bag with an outfit for them to wear to the date today and it’s all just...pajamas? Well, in Kiarra’s case it’s a “LINGER-Y” set. Kelley also has LINGERIE and rightfully points out that no one wants to see their attorney on television in lingerie. 

The ladies and Peter seemingly head back to the exact same saloon he was at with Victoria merely 24 hours earlier? They’re here for “Demi’s Extreme Pillow Fight Club”, which, as many people on twitter have mentioned, may have set back women 100 years, but whatever. Fred Willard is inexplicably there, for probably the 5th season in a row, and, honestly, he doesn’t look great. 

The first pillow fight is between Tammy and Kelley and it’s honestly terrifyingly physical? Tammy eventually gets disqualified, seemingly for being too rough. The next fight between Shiann and Savannah is equally aggressive. Alayah and Sydney have moments where they are quite literally throwing each other to the ground. Poor Sarah, who we have not heard a word from, and spoiler alert, never will, gets hit IN THE HEAD. 

Very quickly, it’s the championship round and the two women that Demi says have displayed the “most effort” are Alayah and Sydney? My guess is they filmed approximately 8 championship rounds and picked the one that featured women who had later drama. ANYWAY, eventually Alayah simply sits on Sydney, like physically, and she’s declared the winner. I do love that she wins a tiara and that’s it. I LOVE when the prize for winning a date has absolutely nothing to do with the bachelor. 

They head to a rooftop of sorts and Alayah says that she had a good day today. Peter says that it’s “cool” to do things that bring him back to his childhood. Sorry, but he didn’t participate in a single second of it???? Alayah’s horrible voice asks Peter if he minds if she “kidnaps” him. I hate it so much. Also, how was she hiding this tragic behavior for two full weeks??

Alayah seems to think that his date worked out for her because it allowed her to show both her sweet side and her “fighter” side. I hate it. She tells Peter that she wants to open up to him and goes on to say that she’s been abandoned by people and friends in the past. I might believe this to be a devastating thing for her were she not FULL grinning the entire time she’s telling him this. Is she...a serial killer? Peter has a “good feeling” about her and now maybe I don’t have a very good feeling about Peter. 

Alayah tells Peter that one of her girlfriends is a “pilot wife” and the disrespect she shows her friend by calling her that tells me all I need to know about this girl. She goes back to sit by a firepit of sorts where only she and Sydney are left. Where are they other women?? I’m obsessed with Sydney just straight up asking “Do you like work at all?”, which I thought was honestly an outrageous question, but actually makes sense when she clarifies it by saying that she’s wondering if she has a job while she’s a pageant titleholder. Apparently Alayah has three jobs though? We never quite found out what those were. Alayah says that she’s been doing pageants for 8 years and she’s always been a titleholder and I’m vomiting everywhere. Sydney, a person who I’m constantly surprised by, just says straight to Alayah’s face that she’s always “on” and that it  must be hard to actually show her true self. Alayah’s not pleased. 

Kelley sits with Peter and tells him he needs to shave a little. LOL YES KELLEY. Peter tells Kelley that she’s a big reason that he feels like this is starting to work for him. She doesn’t feel like she fits into this process, but if she didn’t think it was worth it, she would have gone home by now. 

Sydney questions whether she’s the type of girl Peter wants to end up with based on the women he has connections with. Part of me likes Sydney, but also the other part of me wonders if she’s just a woman who hates women? It’s unclear. She tells Peter that she feels like some of the women in the house aren’t genuine which freaks him out. I hadn’t thought of it until he said it, but that’s literally EXACTLY what happened to Hannah last season, so it’s his biggest fear about this whole thing. 

Peter joins all the women seemingly to give out the group date rose and says that there’s something stuck in his mind that he can’t move on from yet. He has concerns about not everyone being real with him and says that he saw first hand when that happened last season. Which begs the question: did he and the other guys hate Jed? I sure hope so. 

Now, Peter chooses to do something I absolutely can’t respect, which is say that a woman told him about her reservations of everyone there being genuine. Then he literally goes “Sydney?” OMG I’M SO LIVID. HOW DARE HE. Sydney has no trouble immediately saying “Alayah”. There’s a brief exchange where Alayah asks if anyone else feels like she’s fake and while no one says “yes”, definitely no one says “no” either. 

Alayah sits down with Peter, who fled after realizing what an ASS he was to Sydney and she immediately starts crying. Apparently it “terrifies the hell out of her” and she was “already facing all these insecurities”? Such bullshit. Her version of “opening up” is saying vague things about something that’s never happened to her. ANYWAY. Peter says that he believes Sydney, but he also believes what Alayah is saying. They return to the rest of the girls and he IMMEDIATELY gives the rose to Sydney which WOAH. I guess he believes Sydney more? 

The next day, Alayah tells Mykenna that she was blindsided and this is all such a shock. Chris Harrison walks in and announces that Peter’s coming over for a pool party! This will replace the cocktail party, though, they’ll head to the rose ceremony straight after. Peter walks in wearing a SWEATSHIRT and acting all mopey. He’s not feeling his best today and feels doubt creeping in. 

Peter grabs Sydney first, again seemingly an indication that he trusts her above all, and apologizes for putting her in that position last night. T H A N K Y O U. At least he knows he was an ass. Sydney tells him that she wants him to make his own decisions and put his focus beyond just the physical. Honestly, many of the things Sydney says makes me think that she literally thinks everyone around her is a pure idiot. 

Alayah, Hannah Ann, and Mykenna seem to be friends, or at least the two of them seem willing to listen to her complain about being called fake. Peter sits with Kelsey, Natasha, and Lexi, all of whom say that Alayah is fake and Sydney’s right. 

Alayah can’t take it anymore and grabs Sydney to go chat. Also Sydney’s seemingly had her rose in her hand the ENTIRE day. Was she forced to hold it everywhere? Or is she being obnoxious? Sydney calls Alayah a princess (again, offensive) and directly asks her if she has emotions other than perfect. Alayah responds by saying that Sydney’s opinion of her is so far from reality. So here’s my take on Sydney as a person: she’s fully entitled? That’s the best way I can put it. She’s fully right about Alayah, but clearly thinks she’s above everyone else in the house. And I’m pretty sure she hates women. 

Peter and Madison have been sitting with their foreheads together while he strokes an INDIVIDUAL hair on her head. He feels confident saying that they had the greatest first date ever and I hate it. Alayah AGAIN comes over and asks to “kidnap” Peter again. Still vomiting. 

Alayah feels like Peter doesn’t trust her. ASTUTE, ALAYAH. VERY ASTUTE. Peter asks Alayah if she can understand why everyone thinks she’s fake and the answer is maybe? He tells her that he believes her, but he wants to see the real her. They’re back on track all of a sudden? It’s very abrupt, but they both leave feeling...fine?

Peter grabs Victoria P. next and says that he’ll take her opinion in the highest regard. We find out that Victoria P. was Miss Louisiana when Alayah was also in pageants so they KNEW EACH OTHER before this. Total, Victoria P. says, they spent maybe 3 hours together, but before they came on the show, Alayah asked Victoria P. not to tell producers that they knew each other. Looking back, Victoria P. does acknowledge that Alayah asked her to lie which is weird. Then she does straight up say, “Maybe she’s not the one for you.” 

Peter’s forced to go talk to Alayah about this now and says that it’s not just 1 or 2 girls who have brought things up, so he’s going to ask her some questions and he wants direct answers. He literally says that she’s maybe been “sorta manipulative” toward some of the women. WOW PETER. Imagine having a fight with him if he was your boyfriend. Like DAMN, he has no filter. He asks if she did tell Victoria P. to lie and the answer is yes? Alayah says that because she and Victoria P. know each other “very well”, she thought they might get disqualified? V confused by this logic. Peter walks away still confused and I finally notice he’s been wearing FLIP FLOPS the whole date. Men in flip flops are literally my nightmare. 

It’s time for the rose ceremony and Alayah says that she did not think she would be feeling this broken going into this rose ceremony. Also, she considered Victoria P. a friend and ally before this? Doubtful. Peter walks in and apologizes for not being able to spend time with everyone. Congrats to: Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Natasha, Lexi, Madison, Shiann, Kelley, Kiarra, Tammy, Savanna, Deandra, and UH OH PETER LEAVES THE ROSE CEREMONY. 

So Mykenna, Sarah, Kiarra, Alexa, Jasmine and of course Alayah are waiting to find out which of them will get the final two roses. Peter’s gone to another room where Chris Harrison is waiting and Peter truly doesn’t know what to do. Chris basically tells him he can do whatever he wants and Peter heads back into the room. Followed CLOSELY by Chris who REMOVES A ROSE. We find out this is going to be the final rose of the night. A final congrats to: Mykenna. BAI to: ALAYAH, Sarah, Kiarra, Alexa, and Jasmine. 

The women slowly file out, with Alayah saying goodbye last, of course. She says that she’s disappointed, but she respects his choice. VERY clearly, she thought he was going to change his mind during that conversation. After the goodbye, we see Peter with a producer in a dark room saying that he doesn’t feel good about Alayah leaving. He feels like he listened to everyone else and might regret this and not be able to get passed it. YOU MUST, PETER, YOU MUST. 

Next week on The Bachelor: they’re going to Cleveland???? Kelsey and Victoria F. get dates and OH SHIT, VICTORIA DATED ONE OF THE GUYS GIVING A PRIVATE CONCERT. Also, Hannah Ann is tackling girls, Alayah (of course) comes back, and Natasha might leave. Are we finally on a normal pace for this episode with all three dates and the rose ceremony in the same episode?? Let’s see!