Quite honestly, this is already turning out to be one of my favorite Bachelorette seasons in recent history. Almost all of the guys are treating Hannah like a normal person and we have the perfect amount of villains. Tonight, we’ll see a lot of making out, Cam is a piece of shit, and no one’s toes matter. Let’s jump in!

Hannah is dancing around some poles for some reason and says that she wants real conversations and doesn’t want bullshit. We also open with our first balcony scream of the season, which comes much earlier than it has in the past few years. Chris walks into the mansion and tells them that they made “AN impression” night one, which is the shady shit from Chris Harrison I am here for. I’ll briefly pause here to let everyone know that I found something out about one of the potential suitors that I must share: I went to high school with John Paul Jones’ sister. It was only for a year (I think), but she was a wonderful person and is truly John Paul Jones’ twin. Now I absolutely cannot watch this show without seeing Mary Jones strewn across my screen. John Paul Jones, John Paul Jones, John Paul Jones.

Back to reality: the first date card is here! “Grant, Luke S., Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones (!!!), Dylan, Luke P.: I’m looking for my Mr. Right...Hannah”. Aw, Peter wishes he were on this date and so do I! The guys show up to this OLD theater, like it truly looks decrepit, and we find Miss J, Alaska and Alyssa Edwards. Embarrassingly, I do not watch Drag Race, which seems contrary to every fiber of my being, but I’m very pleased to see the Runway Coach of my childhood. It’s immediately clear that Mike is a star and Luke P. is uncomfortable around people that are different from him. We find out that they’re going to be performing in a “Mr. Right” pageant and will have to wear speedos and perform some sort of talent.

The Queens sit down with the guys and one of them asks Luke P. what his best asset is and he LEGITIMATELY says “HIS CHARACTER”. I HAVE TO LAUGH. Even she’s like, “Dig a little deeper, honey”. Hannah knows that this activity might make some of the guys uncomfortable, but she’s just looking for a guy who will “show up” and I have to respect that. We see a few scenes with Mike putting on size 15 heels, advice from Alaska to fall on your ass because it’s funnier, and Jed singing with Alaska, which is an iconic moment I won’t soon forget.

Time for the pageant - all of the guys come out wearing robes and one at a time have to disrobe and walk down the smallest runway in history. Apparently someone named Dylan is first? Never heard of him. Luke S. looks uncomfortable, Jonathan thinks Hannah is “ingenious” when it comes to fun, and Mike is, again, a star. Alaska is Team Magic Mike, and so are we all. John Paul Jones, according to Hannah, is a “talent in and of itself”, and Jed takes off the robe to reveal the assigned speedo and personal touch of a cowboy boot. Luke P. is last for the speedo portion and it’s a true nightmare. Who wants to deal with that body all the time? Mike, again, A STAR, says that “Luke P. showed off his body in a speedo, which was embarrassing for all of us.” Love you, Mike.

For the talent portion, John Paul Jones is surprisingly gifted at unicycling? His only fault was unicycling backwards, but truly who can do that? Luke S. plays a fake trumpet, Jonathan tap dances while he juggles, and Mike reads poetry in heels and a clown suit? I’m on board. Jed is next and sings actual music but he sounds SO NERVOUS and, quite honestly, bad. It’s a sweet sentiment, but I need him to find a way to control his nerves while performing! Alaska singing along to the song is now my 2019 mood.

Luke P. is last, again, and because he doesn’t, in his own words, have any “immediate stage talent”, he just, like gives a speech? 0/10, what an awful idea. His speech is comprised of telling Hannah that he wants to give her all of his heart and then he reveals that he’s apparently starting to fall in love with her. Me, and every single man there, as well as the one hundred audience members call BULLSHIT. It’s clear that Hannah is into this and Luke P. takes 2 steps down the very tiny runway to kiss her. I’m vomiting. Not a second later, we find out that Luke P. has won the Mr. Right pageant, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that we need the receipts.

They head to a cocktail party and Hannah tells all the guys that she was super impressed with them and leads them in a toast to being bold and making her feel like a queen. Mike, being the VERY CUTE STAR, that he is, makes a toast of his own, to being honest and loving someone forever, not just for 15 minutes. Luke P., of course, grabs her first, and Luke S. and I both roll our eyes so hard, it feels like maybe we’ve injured them.

While Luke P. and Hannah walk away, Mike says that no matter what words you put around the word “love”, that’s the only thing that the person hearing that is going to remember. AMEN, MIKE. Luke P. asks Hannah how she feels about what he did tonight, and she instinctually says that they’ve known each other for less than 48 hours, so she’s not sure how he feels that way already. This is what concerns me: instinctually, she knows that this guy is feeding her bullshit, but she just kind of ignores it. She says that she wants to make sure that everything he says is true and he just says that he’s “not joking”? That, apparently, was enough to convince her and they make out again and honestly if Luke P. makes it through the two-on-one he or Cam is destined to be on, I will be livid. She quite literally says in an interview that “she believes him” and there’s a part of her that just wants to drop everything and choose him because he’s telling her exactly what she needs to hear. RUN, HANNAH, RUN.

Luke P. heads back to the rest of the guys and immediately Mike, being the star he is, just says that in the history of man, he’s never heard of a man starting to fall in love with a girl in 2 hours. Unfortunately, I don’t think that bodes well for the box office success of “The Sun is Also a Star”, which I believe is entirely based around this premise. Mike also calls what Luke did “blasphemy”, which is the kind of seriousness I need attributed to everything about this franchise because it’s hilarious.

Luke P.’s rebuttal is amazing because his rebuttal is that it’s “part of his personality” to fight for what he wants. Also, apparently, someone who is there for the wrong reasons wouldn’t be able to say what he said. Sure, of course, I mean, you were the one that brought up being here for the wrong reasons, but definitely, uh huh, we believe everything you’re saying, Luke P.

Hannah, meanwhile, is sitting down with John Paul Jones and we find out that she finds him fun, which I think is fun! Back at the mansion, all the guys are wondering if Jed brought his guitar and then the next date card arrives! “Tyler G.: Falling in love can be messy...Hannah”. Sorry, WHO?

Jed and Hannah sit down and I’ll give him a pass, but literally Jed calls Alaska and Alyssa “The Drags”. Hannah says that she was really into Jed the whole day and honestly they have a cute rapport. She likes that he has a Southern charm about him, but he’s still open to new experiences, a description I love. He gets a kiss and Hannah says that he calmed her down all day, which is very sweet.

It’s time to hand out the group date rose and all of Bachelor Nation is holding its breath that it’ll be Luke P., but NO, JED STROLLS IN AND GRABS IT. I’m pleased. “I didn’t win the Mr. Right pageant, but I think I won the night.” Yes you did, Jed, yes you did.

Time for the first one-on-one of the season with Tyler G., and did we talk to him at all night one? This year especially, probably because there are like 10 Tylers, 4 Connors, and 2 Lukes, I’m confused about who we saw and when. If we did talk to Tyler G. night one, it was extremely unmemorable. Hannah shows up to the mansion in an all white denim outfit, which I am truly questioning. She sits down with all of the guys for a minute and tells Tyler G. that “they’re gonna talk shit about you when you leave”. EXTREMELY TRU. They see a helicopter overhead and it’s clear that’s their ride - on their journey to the front of the mansion, Hannah says that Tyler G. looks like a hotter Tim Tebow and honestly, the Tim Tebow part is mostly true, the “hotter” part is eh. They get in the helicopter and Tyler G. looks TRULY terrified of what’s about to happen.

They finally land, much to Tyler G.’s delight, and we find out that they’re going four-wheeling in this open area which happens to have mud. I now understand the all-white outfit. They ride around for awhile and Hannah’s kicking his ass and they end up sitting on this outdoor couch thing, the two of them CAKED in mud. Like it’s very clear production told them to just have a mud fight because the four-wheeling was not producing the desired effect on their outfits. I’d forgotten that Hannah had the first one-on-one on Colton’s season, but she takes the time to tell Tyler G. that she knows it’s a lot of pressure, but the sooner he can just be himself around her, the better. Quite honestly, she’s talking so much about needing him to be himself that he can’t really be himself.

They go for dinner on the Roosevelt Hotel rooftop, a mere stonesthrow from where I currently sit writing this wholly unneeded recap. Hannah tells Tyler G. that she was “blown away” by him, by what, we’re not sure. Basically, the two of them have this lengthy conversation about the need to be honest and genuine, but they end up just talking about that and don’t actually end up being honest and genuine? They both seem like nice people, but it’s pretty evident they’re going to have a hard time actually opening up to one another. They feel safe together because it’s clear they don’t actually have to share anything. The one thing that is shared is that Hannah wants to be a mom and have her own career and she wants to do something incredible with her future husband. Not all that specific, but I’d have a hard time opening up to someone who has just “opened up” about the fact that he thinks “opening up” is important.

Back at the mansion, Cam is just complaining about everything when the final date card arrives. “Devin, Matteo, Daron, Connor J., Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C., Joey, Peter Garrett: Let’s get our love on track…Love, Hannah”. I know I speak for almost everyone when I say, “WHO?!” I recognize approximately 2 names on this list. Cam didn’t get a date this week, so of course he’s annoying and I need him to shut up. Back with Tyler G., he gets the rose and they share an awkward kiss and I see that he’s from Florida. I understand now.

For the final date of the week, they’re at a roller rink, which is truly a fun date idea! Connor J. is inexplicably worried that he’s going to piss his pants and I wasn’t before, but I am now. Last time Hannah went roller skating, she broke her arm, so I’m concerned about what’s going to happen. The guys and Hannah skate around for a little while and it’s clear they’re all pretty terrible, which is fine for Hannah because she says that “today is about who exudes joy, no matter if they’re awesome or they suck” and I’m genuinely taking that to heart.

It’s time for “The Bachelorettes Derby Dudes Derby” and OMG WHERE IS THE APOSTROPHE OR APOSTROPHES THIS IS GENUINELY STRESSING ME OUT. Fred Willard is here and I’ve stopped asking why he’s involved with this franchise because I think it will just make me sad to find out. Fred and I both don’t entirely know how roller derbys (derbies?) are supposed to work and Fred and I are promised an explanation, but none such explanation is given. There is some sort of point awarded, and mostly it’s just a two minute segment of the guys falling down, but eventually Team Green wins, which is a surprise because Connor J. is on Team Green! Dustin also is on Team Green and he gets fully injured, so I feel like I understand even less about roller derbies (derbys?).

For the cocktail party, they go to this weird antique store they’ve been going to for five years, which looks fine, but I also want them to find other cool places to go. Hannah pulls Dustin first and honestly he’s the sweetest guy. He knows that she’s trying to find a man that’s bold, but he says that he’s kind of shy and quiet so he’s trying to be bold for her in his own way. He gets a kiss, though it does look awkward, but maybe she’s into it? Peter is next and tells Hannah that he’s based in LA and flies for a major airline. There’s even a chance he could have flown her, which for some reason just melts my heart. They honestly have great chemistry and I like Peter and it’s clear they love each other, but someone interrupts them so they don’t get to make out. Nothing makes me happier than Peter returning to the guys and just unabashedly saying, “Man, that girl’s awesome”.

Inexplicably, Cam decides he’s allowed to show up at this antique store with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. He walks in and interrupts Darrin maybe? Hannah looks both annoyed and fine with it and when the guys catch wind of it they are pissed. A lot of the guys on this date were the same guys she didn’t get to talk to night one because of the Scott drama, so they’re pissed another guy is taking their time away again. We see a brief bit of Cam and Hannah sitting together and Hannah thanks him for coming out and says that it was a good surprise, but is she honestly just trying not to make him mad because she thinks she might get murdered? Any woman on earth has had to make that sacrifice before.

Cam eventually leaves and is giving this interview outside while a shadowy figure approaches him behind for what feels like a full 2 minutes. Honestly, the cinematography in this section deserves every Emmy. The dark figure is Tyler C. who comes out to tell Cam that he did a shitty thing. Tyler C. leaves relatively quickly and Garrett comes out just to tell Cam that he doesn’t really appreciate it. I believe it’s Kevin who comes out finally and says that Cam is stepping on everyone’s toes and Cam says that “Y’all’s toes don’t matter” and as much as I hate Cam, I love that line. Hannah heads back to sit with all of the guys and she really, truly didn’t get to talk to everyone, but it’s time for the group date rose anyway. The rose goes to Dustin, which makes me happy, because he’s a very sweet person and because she asked for someone who would get back up when they fall and he literally did that. Her goodbye is amazing: “I hope y’all had a good time tonight, I did, but I’m also really tired.” Hard same.

For the cocktail party, Hannah arrives in a limo and the music is sad and she looks sad and I’m confused. She walks in, starts the toast, and oh noooo, she really is sad! She starts to cry and Mike and Peter look concerned and she tells the guys that she just has to be honest with them. Mike, THE STAR, is just like “CAN WE GET SOME KLEENEX?”. YES, MIKE, YOU MAKE SURE THAT WOMAN IS TAKEN CARE OF. Basically, she’s overwhelmed by emotion and is scared and it’s hard to make these decisions and this is one of the first times I feel like we’ve accurately seen the toll it takes on someone to have to share their feelings 24 hours a day. Like talking about your feelings is legitimately exhausting and I love more than anything that they didn’t make her reshoot this entrance.

Connor S. pulls her away first and I’m very glad. He didn’t get a date this week, partially because she feels good about where they are and is excited about him. They kiss and it’s very sweet and I very much like Connor S. for her, he’s super chill. Kevin comes to interrupt them and Connor S. is a very gracious person and is like “yeah, of course, come interrupt us”. Like, yes, what else would anyone be expecting? Kevin invites her to scream at the top of her lungs with him, which I find very endearing. We find out that he’s actually a Behavioral Health Specialist, and I’m on board with Kevin. He also calls her “ma’am”, which she likes.

Cam, of course, comes to interrupt and says that he has an activity for all three of them? Hmm. They go and sit on the driveway and apparently Cam has brought chicken nuggets and asks Hannah if she’ll accept this honey mustard. Annoyingly, she does. I also really want some nugs now. Kevin walks back inside, clearly annoyed with Cam, and tells the guys that Cam’s “having a chicken nugget ceremony with her”, and while I hate Cam, you have to admit a chicken nugget ceremony sounds amazing. Mike can’t contain his laughter and neither can I. Kevin decides that he wants to address the “situation” with Cam and walks up to him to tell him how annoyed he is. All of a sudden chicken nuggets are FLYING through the air while Kevin just says “you can go fuck yourself” and honestly, knowing that Kevin had nuggets in his hand the whole time just really, really makes me laugh. This is exactly the amount of drama I was hoping for, this season is DELIVERING.

Tyler C. and Hannah sit down, again on the driveway, and I’m remembering that it 100% seemed like Tyler C. was drunk all of night one even before he stepped out of the limo. Right now, though, I’m into him! We find out that he’s a former football player and meeting Hannah night one was the closest he’s come to the feeling he got when he was about to come out of the tunnel before a game. Honestly, that’s a wonderful analogy and I very much like Tyler C. He tells her that he’s an open book, and she tells him that she likes the way he looks at her. Honestly, same. They agree that he’s always “locked in” on her and Hannah and I and every other person in the world are just trying to find that with someone. They kiss and I’m very into them.

Luke P. talks to her next and they’re weirdly on this table and I don’t like it. He’s giving her a massage and tells her that he’s “gifted with his hands” and I hate everything about it. She wants to massage him now and they make out, like a lot, and she wants to jump his bones so bad. Before it can get any further, Jed happens to walk in and just goes “That’s not super appealing” and I COULD NOT have said it better myself, Jed. Hannah is left standing there with Luke P. who is shirtless at this point, and she’s clearly very embarrassed. My favorite part about all of this is the rapid censoring while she beats herself up about it; poor Jed just has to wait by this fire for her to get herself together. Eventually she emerges and just doesn’t really know what to say and Jed is a TROOPER. “Isn’t it weird that there’s actually a lot of dudes here?” You’re right, Jed, it is weird. More than anything I appreciate his sense of humor in saying that he should have just returned, but without pants on, and both Hannah and I wish that would have happened. Jed’s great and says that he’s not going to waste time walking around jealous, and I honestly think he was the best guy to handle that situation.

Time for the rose ceremony! Jonathan is looking around the room and sees 22 solid candidates, but that’s not gonna happen, and I can’t help but equate it to the Democratic party, and I just hope we can get through both of these situations with the right amount of drama and a woman prevailing at the end. Anyway. Congrats to: Tyler C., Garrett, Devin, Connor S., Luke P, Dylan, Luke S., Mike, Peter, Kevin, Jonathan, Joey, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Grant, and Cam. Bai to Connor J. and two other guys I’ve literally never seen in my entire life!

This would typically be the end of the episode, but we see Hannah say goodbye to the guys and Luke P. say goodnight to all of them when suddenly he knocks on a door he has no business knocking on. He says that just wants to talk to her more and they have nowhere to sit, so she just sits on his lap. GROSS. Again, it’s clear her instincts are that she doesn’t trust him because she basically says she doesn’t want him to be competitive and she’s worried about the big words he’s using. He says that “everything he’s telling [her] is 100% real” and it’s just not. They make out again, a lot, and I NEED her to stop this obsession with him. HE’S NOT A GOOD PERSON, HANNAH.

Next week on The Bachelorette: John Paul Jones experiences labor pains, Jed might get a one-on-one, and Connor S. is in bed with her! Mike and Peter are extremely sweet and Hannah jumps on someone! Luke P. is starting to unravel and I cannot wait for his self-destruction. Also, Cam is apparently plotting a lie to Hannah and some shit is about to go down. Until then!