We’re back! I’m coming into this season with truly zero expectations and I absolutely can’t wait for them to be exceeded and/or met! We’re really being promised a lot in the promos this season: “Hannah is about as real as it gets” and she’s “a bachelorette like we’ve never had before”. While we wait to see if her badass spirit is maintained for the whole season (because it came OUT on Night 1), let’s just all be thankful that Nick Viall didn’t show up because it’s been 2 whole years since he was on television. Night 1: let’s do it!

We cut back to the moment she found out she was the bachelorette via Facetime and honestly she and I have very similar phone reactions. You can’t react that over the top because mostly you’d seem insane, but also you really, really want to convey that you’re super excited, but can only really do it with words. Already, she’s turning out to be as real as I get, too. What I absolutely love about this episode is that they kept in her awkwardness while they were making her run around Tuscaloosa and just look at the sky. Like WHY have we been pretending it’s in any way natural for the last 15 years?!

Hannah takes Chris Harrison on the hometown she never got with Colton and it is very endearing to see just a normal town and very Southern people being nice to one another. This was a weird week to feel endearment toward Alabama, but I can only deduce that the horrible devil woman that is the Alabama governor thought this week would be a good time to destroy humanity because we got to see some fairly nice people in her state that absolutely do not support the bill either!

We see Hannah teaching dance to little girls and telling them that they should always be a part of something that makes them feel happy and I’m WEEPING. I LOVE THEM AND ALSO THAT SENTIMENT. Hannah reminds us that through a lot of Colton’s season, and even in her life, she’s always struggling to be perfect. The Bachelor taught her that she could be enough just being herself, and while it didn’t work out with Colton, she found out who she was to her core. She’s 24, so I can’t imagine she’s really gotten all the way down there, because I’m 27 and I think I hit the core every year and it’s just not it.

Hannah makes it to LA and is literally driving the same Mercedes convertible Lauren Conrad drove down the same road in the opening scene of The Hills?! A CROSSOVER I NEED. Demi and Katie, both from Colton’s season, are there in her hotel room to pump her up for Night 1. Quick reminder that those two were major players in telling Colton that Cassie and Caelynn weren’t there for the right reasons while Hannah stayed largely silent on the situation. ALSO quick interjection to say that I think Caelynn and Hannah have squashed their beef. If you watch The Ellen Show’s recap as religiously as I do, you’ll know that Caelynn actually said she’d be rooting for Hannah to be The Bachelorette even before it was announced. Now I KNOW that producers probably just told her to say that, but honestly it sounded like they weren’t going to be best friends anytime soon, but they definitely didn’t hate each other.

Moving on: for some reason the producers are super into vlogging the past two seasons. It is NAWT working for me. It would be one thing if everyone they were asking to vlog were good at it, but that is yet to be the case. The first guy we meet is Tyler who is a General Contractor from Florida who loves to dance. He tells us that he was only 2 classes away from being a dance minor: umm, minors are typically about 6 classes. Over four years. Bud, if you wanted to be a dance minor, you definitely could have been.

Peter is next, he’s a pilot and he’s cute! His family is a “flying family” which means that his dad is a pilot, too, and his mom was a flight attendant. Mike is very cute and is a portfolio manager and former military serviceman. He loves his great grandmother and, I’ll repeat myself here, Mike’s very cute. Joe is The Box King and is LITERALLY the answer to Grocery Store Joe this season, they even found a guy from Chicago with the same name. Matt Donald requires a full name and he’s a farmer? Both of his parents are deaf as is his older brother so he grew up in a household that used sign language. We’re fans of Matt Donald.

Connor is a sales manager for maybe the Mercedes dealership that gave Hannah Lauren Conrad’s car? His dad is from Iowa and his mom is from Hong Kong. Luke is truly just working out and literally thinks he’s a good looking guy. We find out that he had an encounter with god in the shower because he was having too much sex? Also, he’s chilling with this baby and LUKE, PROTECT THE BABY’S NECK, MY GOD.

At the mansion, Hannah looks nervous and tells Chris Harrison that she knows this experience won’t be perfect and she has to be okay with that. LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK AKA ME WATCHING IT 25 MILES FROM WHERE THIS CONVERSATION TOOK PLACE ORIGINALLY. The first limo arrives and literally I’m astounded it’s happening so fast, but then I remember that for Colton’s premiere there was simply a party for the first entire hour of Night 1? This is the pace the show should be going.

Garrett is first out, he’s from Birmingham and he’s a golf pro. He’s cute! He wants to be her hole-in-one, which Hannah was into. Mike is next and, again, he’s very cute! He lives by the 5 C’s (where’s this going, Mike…): Character, Charm, Charisma, Consistency, and Compassion. Phew. He’s very cute! He tells Hannah that she’s super pretty and Bachelor Nation’s heart has melted. Jed is a singer songwriter from Nashville who grew up with a family that told him it was important to shine inside and outside. Hmm.

Tyler C. is the dancer from Florida and seems drunk? Dylan is a tech entrepreneur that is wearing a white tux jacket and does not hug Hannah. Oh wait, they hugged, okay, that’s good. Connor S. is cute and already jumped a fence for her, though, he is WINDED. I hope he’s not required to do that again. Devin is a talent manager and makes a dumb virgin joke. John Paul Jones, John Paul Jones, John Paul Jones. Brian is a math teacher from Kentucky, Scott is way too much of a person, and Matteo is nervous and can’t remember what to say. Daron is an IT consultant and walks the wrong way, Tyler G. is dreaming about Hannah, and Thomas is an International Pro Basketball Player. I mean, sure! Why not go on this show when you don’t get picked up by a team!

Matthew is a car bid spotter, which my roommate and I looked up and is in some way related to auctions? Seems boring. Then the production team drops off a big package, but it’s like WAY too far from the entrance. We have to wait a million years to find out that, of course, it’s the box goy, “Not Grocery Store Joe”. Not to be confused with Joey, who arrives next, and brings a fake baby? Oh, no, he’s just placed champagne in a car seat. Connor J. shows up and speaks French - I thought he was half Iowan, half Chinese? Ryan is a roller boy and has awful hair, Hunter is a pro-surfer, and Grant brings mustard because it’s a sausage party tonight. 🙄

Jonathan wants Hannah to have a “pizza” his heart, Kevin just dropped something, and I forgot she knew Luke and I still hate him. I’ll have to pay more attention to any other Lukes, I’m realizing now this guy has an initial. Dustin is cute (I thought his name was Derek, I had to correct this on a re-read), Cam got a rose already and is rapping again. Honestly, he’s not awful at rapping, but you know AFTR gave him too much confidence and he’s going to be annoying for the rest of the season now.

Matt Donald comes out next on a tractor and sings “Old MacDonald”, but with Matt Donald in place of the titular character. Chasen is a different pilot than the one we previously met and he brings her a paper airplane because their relationship is about to take off. Aw, that’s cute. OOH, but it’s a battle of the pilots, as Peter gets out of the limo next in full uniform and brings her a set of wings. Poor Chasen gets very insecure when he sees another pilot there who made the better choice to wear his uniform. But that’s it! That was 30 guys! Time flies!

This episode is moving swiftly and for that, I am thankful. We see Hannah praying outside by the pool and asking god to help her feel smart and worthy and it is very endearing. What’s also endearing is that it seems like everyone they got on this season fully doesn’t know what to do on camera - she walks into the mansion and the men, like, don’t know whether to stand up or clap or both? It’s slightly awkward, but mostly fun to watch.

She tells the men that she is not perfect and she’s going to stumble over her words and make mistakes and they will, too. If that’s not what they want, then she’s not going to be the girl for them. She even goes on to say that she was worried about not feeling worthy of being The Bachelorette, but after meeting them all, she feels like she deserves it and deserves to find love. Honestly, yes, Hannah, truly everything you’ve said is something I can support. She starts a toast (UH OH) to a wonderful night and the beginning of an imperfect adventure. LOVE THAT.

Luke grabs her first, the bad Luke. Luke S. is the Luke that’s fine, Luke P. is the one who is not. Luke P. is the one that grabs her first and he tells her that she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. They JUMP right in and he tells her that he recently became an uncle, but he conveniently leaves out that he put the baby’s life in danger by NOT PROTECTING THE NECK.

Mike (VERY CUTE) tells Hannah that she is a strong woman and they have a very natural conversation. He’s very good at listening, I love him, and if he’s not the next Bachelor, I will be absolutely throw a fit. Connor J. throws Hannah a Bachelorette party and it’s very cute and honestly looks very fun. She speaks with a few other guys including the surfer, the guy with crazy hair, and then sits down with Cam. He won’t stop talking about his rap and he VERY SLYLY says that he doesn’t kiss on the first date, but since they’ve met before, he asks to kiss her. Cam gets the first kiss and I’m skeptical. Chris Harrison comes in to set down the first impression rose and then we hear that SOMEONE IS TRYING TO HIDE SOMETHING. Cue Demi and Katie coming back to do some recon work.

Jed sings Hannah a song and she has a crush on him all while Demi and Katie are just watching everything that’s happening from a van. We find out that Demi is on the lookout for someone because someone messaged her on Instagram that day that one of these guys has a girlfriend. Hannah gets to hear from “Not Grocery Store Joe” that he sells boxes and both Demi and I think that Peter is cute! Hannah tells him that she’s always wanted to learn how to fly a plane and it’s very clear that she’s into him.

We get to Scott and learn that Scott, the guy I identified as “too much” is, in fact, the one with a girlfriend. I TRUST MY GUT. Scott and Hannah sit down, of course she doesn’t yet know that he has a girlfriend, and they both love interior design? We find out that Hannah likes modern kitchens with rustic undertones, which is vague, but in theory, yeah that sounds right! Demi and Katie tell Chris Harrison that they have to warn Hannah about this guy so Chris goes through the house to try and find her.

In ANOTHER endearing Hannah move, Chris asks how the night is going and she says, “I feel like I’m doing good, am i doing good?” HANNAH IS A WHOLE MOOD. She meets up with Demi and Katie, who she did not know were there that night, and Demi wastes no time saying that “Scott apparently has a girlfriend.” Demi tells Hannah about the messages that she was sent that proves he had a girlfriend as recently as THIS week and Hannah gets right down to business.

She walks back into the mansion, points at him and goes, “Hey, Scott, we need to talk”. YES. I love the reaction of all the guys, too, because that did not seem positive. Scott, tail between his legs, asks her on their way to talk, “Was that a good ‘let’s talk’?” “Nah, probably not.” Y E S, HANNAH.

The conversation starts out rocky, and it takes him a long time to say “I don’t have a girlfriend”, but then launches into an explanation knowing exactly who she might be talking about? Color me NOT CONVINCED. Scott can’t even look her in the eye and says that he’s been honest with her “up to this point”. Um, okay, so you’re fully not being honest with her now? Hannah tells him that this not only isn’t fair to her and the rest of the guys, but isn’t fair to the girl who thinks she’s his girlfriend. He finally admits, that YES, he did have a girlfriend on Monday and that “if it bothers [her]”, then he doesn’t know what to do. Like OF COURSE IT WOULD BOTHER HER.

Hannah is a true badass this whole time: “How dare you come here and think this is okay?” Scott is a little weasel and shithead and tries to say that him having a girlfriend on Monday is basically the exact thing that happened with her and Colton. Um, okay? Hannah is having NONE of this: “YOU ARE SUCH A JERK”. Finally, she just tells him he needs to go and has to walk him out like a little puppy, “C’mon!” He literally like won’t leave, but finally he does and I’m proud of Hannah for how she handled it and I’m still happy with myself for identifying a person on first glance who is not a good person.

She walks back in to talk to the other guys and just goes, “Um, so Scott had a girlfriend back home” and, of course, everyone is shocked, but there were some facial reactions that were, let’s just say, questionable. She tells them that basically her worst fear came true immediately and she needs a minute to collect herself.

While she’s taking a much needed alone time break, the guys are freaking out because apparently this whole thing took about an hour and some of them still haven’t gotten to talk to her. One of the guys that didn’t get to talk to her is Grant who is 30 and unemployed and I’ll choose to move past that for the time being. Luke P., being the douche he is, decides to break her alone time first to go find her. She tells him not once, but twice, that she’s cold, but NARY a jacket is offered. I honestly don’t believe anything Luke P. has to say, but they sit down and he says that he wanted to “encourage her” and that he’s there for her.

Connor S., the fence jump guy, gets to sit down with her and she tells him that she knows she was fed some bullshit for a little while, but she doesn’t want to focus on that. He was on ATFR rose, too, and it’s clear that they’re already pretty comfortable together. They’re very sweet together and Connor S. gets a kiss and I’m on board for it.

While Cam is being an asshole saying that he’ll probably get the first impression rose, too, Hannah grabs it right in front of him and heads out of the room. It honestly seemed like there were 30 guys in the room at the time, so when she heads out to find someone, I got very confused. She walks by Connor S. with the rose and I’m sad and she heads to find Luke P. and if the first impression rose curse stands this season, as I said with Becca’s season, I will be truly livid.

They sit down and she tells Luke P. that she gets excited when she gets to talk to him and looks forward to getting to know him better. She has a SLIGHT problem putting the rose on his lapel, but eventually she gets it on and SO DO THEY. My god, this makeout on night 1 was VERY intense.

Time for the rose ceremony, and I just gotta say, this whole episode has been great. Congrats to: Mike (VERY CUTE, PLEASE BE THE BACHELOR), Connor S., Matthew (who?), Connor J., Jed, Dustin, Joey, Devin, Peter, Dylan, Matteo, Jonathan, Tyler C., Tyler G., Darin, Luke S., Garrett, Grant, Kevin, and JOHN PAUL JONES. Bye to Matt Donald, “Not Grocery Store Joe”, and a whole bunch of other people I don’t remember. Like TRULY they could not be selling the “send a nice guy from Chicago home night 1” harder, but The Box King just isn’t as endearing. Chasen, the other pilot, was one of the ones sent packing and he gets very emotional and we’ll miss you, Chasen! They toast to a beautiful adventure and so do I!

This season on The Bachelorette: bungee jumping, kilts, and sailing, oh my! Hannah wants a tough man, John Paul Jones, John Paul Jones, John Paul Jones, and Peter has a rubber in the car? Surely the car is a rental. Hannah walks through the most insane field of flowers and Peter, Tyler C., and Connor S. all seem to make it pretty far. Luke P. makes out with Hannah A LOT, but also seems to self destruct. Someone is in an ambulance, someone is judging her for not being a virgin, and Cam is a villain. I CANNOT wait.