The Bachelor, Season 23: Week 3

I think we can all agree we’re just biding our time until Elyse ascends the throne as Bachelorette 2019. All I’m saying is: we all love Elyse and want nothing but happiness and joy for her and we all know that she deserves more choices than just Colton? Okay great. Anyway - this week, we see a lot of stretching, Demi is still insane, Tracy makes a bold blazer choice, and Hannah B. is a beautiful monster. Let’s do it!

We open the episode with Sydney reminding us that last week was dramatic with Onyeka. I truly forgot and I truly couldn’t care less. Tayshia, who is a stunning person, and maybe my choice #2 for Bachelorette, is optimistic that she’ll be on a date this week. Speaking of: the first date card arrives! “Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, Caelynn: I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure...Colton”.

The ladies head to Pirate Dinner adventure which I’ve literally been trying to convince my friends to go to with me for several years now. It’s just medieval times with less armor and I COULDN’T WANT TO GO THERE MORE. They walk in and Colton is simply standing on this ship for what is too long an amount of time to be standing on a ship with no expression on his face. Finally, he jumps down from his small perch to fight some other pirates and performs the wonderful line reading of “Hey, you knuckleheads, knock it off!” Move over Lady Gaga and/or Glenn Close!

They find out that they’re going to learn how to be pirates - 2 will “win”, I guess, and compete for Captain Colton’s heart. The ladies jump into what appears to be simply balancing and maybe that’s it? Demi takes the opportunity to call herself a “cutthroat kind of chick”, which, yes, we know. Hannah B. takes it way too seriously and just starts, essentially, swatting these women off of this balance beam including Caelynn, her sworn enemy. Apparently through all of this training, Tracy and Caelynn are deemed the most fit pirates: congrats!

Tracy and Caelynn get to compete during the evening performance to get to Colton who has returned to his itty bitty perch. It is, what should we call it, nawt a fair fight and Tracy is losing almost immediately, which I must say, seems to fit with her brand. Caelynn reaches Colton and unties him and they kiss onstage and they both look awkward about it. Oh, also, Demi has been throwing full STEAKS onto the ship during the performance. Hannah B., meanwhile, is slowly breaking down and says that if Colton knew more about Caelynn, she thinks he’d feel differently about her.

For the cocktail party, the producers decide to return to this place called Bigdaddy’s Antiques, which they’ve been frequenting for the past few seasons now. Look, I’m all for a rustic backdrop to some heavy conversations, but can we please find an antique shop that gives the same vibe, but does not force every conversation to be a TRUE WHISPER?! Colton toasts to seeing all of the women’s personalities come out during the date and then Katie grabs him first. They talk about how he likes that she keeps it real and that they have so much in common including enjoying sushi! They do seem to like each other despite their boring and predictable food choices. Back with all the women, of course, Demi and Tracy have already begun to fight - Demi says that it’s clear that Colton doesn’t really have a type and Tracy IMMEDIATELY bristles to the phrase “his type”. Okay. Demi retorts by saying, to her face, that she’d be uncomfortable as an older woman surrounded by younger women and she feels “so bad” for Tracy. At this point, despite how much I hate Demi, it’s very clear that she’s found Tracy’s true insecurity and won’t relent until the girl is gone. I assumed it was Demi just being an insane person who’s obsessed with being young, which, it might still be, but I think it’s mostly just that she knows Tracy doesn’t like that she’s 31.

Heather and Colton chat for a minute and it seems like they don’t kiss, which is a disappointment, Courtney and Colton have no physical chemistry, and Demi has a truly tragic dress. Do we think that’s why Tracy initially started to hate Demi? Because she’s a wardrobe stylist? Either way, Demi’s interruption of Colton and Courtney was a welcome change as clearly they didn’t want to be talking to each other for much longer anyway.

Demi decides that she would like to blindfold Colton after telling him that she likes the way he smells. Once blindfolded, she has what appears to be a sorority paddle, and whacks him for some unknown reason. To follow that up, she has a tiny Dooneese style mannequin hand trailing down his body to his crotch. He, and the world, is uncomfortable with this entire exchange.

While this is all going down, Courtney is becoming more and more angry and decides, when Demi returns from her playtime, to confront Demi. They go to a literal aisle to whisper their fight - Courtney tells Demi that sometimes her delivery is not how she’d like it to be and that she needs to be more aware. While I hate Demi, I have to agree that this is a weak argument. It’s just like, not the actual issue that these women have with Demi. But Demi basically says that she’s not going to change anything and that it seems like the rest of the women are just intimidated by her confidence.

In a wonderful moment of respite from the whispering, we return to the mansion for the second date card: “Elyse: Love is in the air...Colton”. YES, WE LOVE ELYSE. GIVE HER ALL THE DATES AND THEN LATER HER OWN SEASON.

Back at the silent antique store, Caelynn and Colton sit down and I can barely hear the beginning to their conversation because the ice in her glass is N O I S Y. Truly louder than all of the conversations from the night combined. They kind of weirdly agree that it was a mistake for them to have kissed during the Pirate Show (honestly, already forgot that’s how this date started).

While Caelynn and Colton are talking, Heather and Hannah B. sit down and Heather essentially convinces Hannah B. to tell Colton about her issues with Caelynn. She doesn’t think that Caelynn is showing Colton every side of her and she thinks that he NEEDS TO KNOW.

Hannah B. gets her moment with Colton and immediately jumps in to telling him that she and Caelynn were roommates and that they had a fallout. It’s kind of this long, bumbling conversation which leads to Hannah B. essentially saying that if Caelynn is someone that he’s interested in, then there’s no way that Colton would want Hannah B. He seems visibly upset by it and needs to take some time and then they can pick up the conversation later.

He grabs Caelynn and tells her that Hannah B. used the word “hostile” to describe her and that she had to remove herself from the friendship. Caelynn chalks it up to the two of them handling competition differently and also that she’s had traumatic experiences in her life. She doesn’t, or didn’t really, want to bring any of this up tonight or right now. She’s crying and emotional and I don’t really know who to believe. Either way, Colton gets up, grabs the group date rose, and returns to give it to Caelynn. He says that he likes her a lot and that’s kinda it. Hannah B. sees when they return to the larger group and says that she feels like she ruined her chances, but doesn’t know how to fix it. Colton and I are truly confused.

At the mansion the next morning, Bri, Caitlin, and Onyeka comfort Caelynn who says that she should be happy, but she’s not. She’s shaky, she can’t sleep, and she doesn’t feel good. Meanwhile, Heather and Hannah B. have clearly forged a bond and Hannah B. tells Heather that she feels like she messed up. She thinks it would suck if he sent her home before he sends home Caelynn. Now’s the time to try and figure out who the two-on-one will be - Hannah B. and Caelynn? Tracy and Demi? Can we have two two-on-ones this season? My money’s actually on Tracy and Demi because there’s no way either of them is getting a one-on-one before week 6. Just a matter of Tracy making it 3 more weeks.

ANYWAY, LET’S FOCUS ON ELYSE INSTEAD. She gets the first helicopter date! Colton tells her that they’re going to be flying to San Diego, but doesn’t tell her what they’re doing yet. Elyse’s goal on this date is to make sure that they’re on the same page because she is 6 years older than him. They land in San Diego and Elyse finds out that they’re going to Belmont Park (Go Bruins!) and Colton drops the bomb that this actually is going to be a group date. Truly lol at her face completely dropping - I feel like it took all of her energy not to be like “Hey, dude, WTF”. BUT, instead of other women on the date, it’s a bunch of kids that they get to hang out with at this amusement park!

They take the kids on a carousel first and it is truly extremely endearing. We find out that these are kids that are supported by Colton’s charity. They’re so cute. He tells Elyse that this is actually a date that is close to his real life - his charity focuses on getting kids out of the hospital for events, so this is definitely something that he might do on any given day. All of the kids love both Elyse and Colton and they’re very precious. Colton and Elyse break away for a minute to go on a roller coaster and Colton has literally devised some way for the roller coaster to stop directly at the top so that they can make out for awhile. After this date, Elyse says that she doesn’t care what Colton’s age is, she thinks he’ll be a pretty darn good dad. YES ELYSE.

At dinner, Elyse says that Colton proved her wrong today and she feels like they’re on the same page - she was glad to see that side of him today. He tells her that he likes that she’s very strong minded and asks what experiences in her life made her the way that she is. She reveals that her sister was pregnant and found out that she had cancer - her sister died, but her family has the new baby that has brought them joy through the tragedy. We find out that she has a charity called Sarah’s Closet, which her family started in honor of her sister. Elyse is a strong ass woman who has dealt with a huge amount of pain in her life and we love her. She tells Colton that she never expected to be so vulnerable so quickly.

Back at the mansion, we get the final date card for the week: “Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, Caitlin: For every strong man, there is an even stronger woman...Colton”. Uh oh! Hannah G. and her tiny face aren’t on a date this week!

Back with Elyse, she tells him that their lives haven’t exactly been similar to get where they are, but maybe that doesn’t matter. She gets the rose and all of Bachelor Nation is rejoicing. Colton says that the night isn’t even over and I bury my head in my hands realizing that we’re about to head into a private concert: sure enough, there is a concert feature Tenille Arts - you know, the woman with neither a first nor a last name. Anyone who reads these recaps knows my unadulterated hatred for these concerts, but we love Elyse so we’ll allow it.

For the final group date, we’re...just doing Crossfit? The woman pull up in a party bus to Colton flipping tires and Onyeka JETS off that bus. Truly sprinting at top speed. Today, Colton says, they’re going to get a little bit sweaty - they go into a warehouse that contains approximately 4 pieces of workout equipment and they find Terry Crews and Rebecca King-Crews who are there to help them workout. Terry and Rebecca have been married for 29 years and we love them so much.

The women all start working out and we find out that Sydney is a fitness instructor and also Catherine is a black belt in karate? Wut. Nicole, on the other hand, is maybe the least strong person in the world. For some reason, Colton and Sydney just go off to the side and start stretching for awhile. We find out that in addition to this workout class, they’re going to be competing in what they’re calling “Bachelor’s Strongest Woman”. Fred Willard is inexplicably back and Chris Harrison, seated beside him, has more stubble than usual and I’m not sure we like it.

We start with the women just pushing 100 pounds and learn that Onyeka ran track in high school. Nicole takes her shirt off for some reason, though she can’t move those 100 pounds to save her life. Next is tire flipping at which Catherine and Sydney truly excel. Then the women have to literally pull a limo? How is this a good idea? Caitlin, who is wearing just so much makeup, has found some way to do it, even though, just moments later we find out the three finalists are Sydney, Catherine, and Onyeka. The final test will be them essentially running suicides with medicine balls - surely Onyeka’s track experience will give her an advantage. Indeed, Onyeka truly smokes the other women and wins the competition. Colton celebrates with her, but it’s very clear he’s in no way interested in her.

For their cocktail party, they go to a rooftop bar and Onyeka is obsessed with the trophy she won. Colton tells the women that the best part of his day was watching them be strong and confident. Mmk. Tayshia sits down with Colton and says that strong women empower other women and WE LOVE TAYSHIA. Colton agrees and says that he needs a strong woman in his life and then they kiss. She’s blindingly beautiful and also a kickass person? We love Tayshia.

Nicole and Colton chat and she cannot stop saying “like”. She begins to cry about something or other and he does kiss her, but I am just absolutely not feeling the chemistry between these two. Colton brings Onyeka some chocolate cake for winning, Cassie and Colton make out against a window, and then we get to Caitlin. This entire conversation makes me LOL. She essentially starts it by saying that she doesn’t have anything in her life that she wants to share because she’s had a good life. He moves past that and asks what she’s looking for in a partner and says she wants someone to go out with her and her friends and someone who can have a silly evening. I have to laugh.

It is really the most awkward conversation and I think Colton’s figuring out what to do if he doesn’t send her home right now, so he just says that he didn’t feel a spark with her and sends her packing. She’s kind of a bitch when she leaves and won’t allow him to say goodbye, really, and definitely refuses to hold his hand. I just can’t understand her exit because she’s acting like she’s confused, but there’s no way that she was at all interested in this man. Whatever, we won’t miss you Caitlin, probably see you on Paradise, but I hope not because you’re boring. K bai! Interestingly, Nicole gets the group date rose.

The next morning, all the women are seemingly SHOCKED about Caitlin’s exit. Chris walks in, which is never a good sign, and lets them all know that Colton has decided to cancel the cocktail party this evening. BUT, there IS gonna be a pool party today! Great! The women head off to get ready for this pool party and then we spend what is, again, too much time watching them apply sunscreen. Gratuitous, yes, but also beneficial for the American public to see!

Colton arrives and tells them that this was a more emotional week than he thought it would be and he’s hoping to get clarity today. Hannah G. sits down with Colton first because she didn’t get a date this week. The two of them need to find a more comfortable way of sitting. Meanwhile, Heather and Hannah B. talk about if Hannah B. will bring up Caelynn and as they’re talking about it, Caelynn and Colton walk by to chat. This sparks Hannah B.’s now iconic descriptions of herself - she has a beautiful monster inside that she has to let out, she also has a tank of rage which is full right now, and finally there is a beast inside her. For such a slim girl, there is a lot going on inside. She screeches I guess I’d call it? Whatever it is, she has such an insane amount of tongue tension, it’s stressing me out.

Caelynn and Colton sit down and she jumps right into telling him about her fallout with Hannah B. Again, she attributes it to her placing in the competition when Hannah B. didn’t. Colton looks completely and totally uninterested in having this conversation. She continues on and even says that she doesn’t want to throw Hannah under the bus, even though, ya know, she is. He says that he’s concerned about hearing this because he did have a good experience with Hannah on their one-on-one and just feels caught off guard.

He leaves that conversation to go sit down with Hannah B. and tells her that he just wants to move past this. The words he’s caught up on are “manipulative”, “toxic”, and “deceitful” because none of those things should describe the woman he’ll end up with. She retorts by saying that she’s not manipulative because Caelynn is manipulative. She’s afraid that Colton is not seeing Caelynn is a whole person and asks him to just trust her because she’s telling the truth. He has to get up in the middle of the conversation and just sit with the producers for a little while. Meanwhile, all the other women are freaking out about not getting time with him, but I’m just here to say that HE NEEDS TO ASK FOR SPECIFIC EXAMPLES. All of the conversations are so vague and OF COURSE they’re not helping him decide what to do.

We head to the rose ceremony with nothing really settled. Shoutout to the producer who put Hannah B. directly next to Caelynn with her rose in hand. Congrats to: Hannah G., Tayshia, Katie, Cassie, Kirpa, Sydney, Demi, Tracy, Courtney, Heather, Onyeka, and Hannah B. Truly L O L at Caelynn’s face when Hannah B. gets the rose. And bai to Catherine, Bri, and Nina. Catherine gets to reunite with her now neglected dog. I wish them all well!

Next time on The Bachelor: they’re going to Singapore! Caelynn gets a one-on-one, Colton’s making out with someone in a bed, Hannah B. has a literal leech on her, and Demi and Courtney have a fight. Can’t wait!

The Bachelor, Season 23: Week 2

Tonight on The Bachelor: Colton is squeaky clean, there are fireworks on a boat, Hannah B. asks a question she believes to be original, Demi is a nightmare, and Billy Eichner is there? Let’s jump in:

Truly inexplicably, Colton is a vlogger? There is no rhyme or reason for Colton picking up his own camera and/or phone mere moments after he’s woken up to tell us that he’s nervous. I think maybe the producers thought this might add some realism to the franchise, which is not a thing anyone has ever asked for.

We return to the mansion and I’m faced with the same question I’ve had for at least the last 8 years - this can’t really be the next morning, right? I mean, we watched Cinderella walk by her pumpkin at 7am - there’s no way they’re forcing these women, and Colton, to go on dates the day after what seems to be a 14 hour excursion fueled by wine and, this year, coffee.

My theory begins to hold water when an exceedingly cheery Chris Harrison walks in shouting, “TODAY IS A DAMN GOOD DAY TO FALL IN LOVE.” And the brainwashing has begun. Demi tells him that night one exceeded her expectations and Onyeka who is wearing the most statement of statement earrings said she’s excited to get more competitive? Man, she is starting her audition for Paradise e a r l y this year.

With his alarming attitude, Chris brings the first date care of the season: “Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G., Nicole, Onyeka, Catherine: You never forget your first date.” Cool! This seems to be a relatively small group date so early in, but I’m sure it will be embarrassing and full of wonderful moments!

They arrive to The Regent, which is a small venue in Downtown LA. Onstage are Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman who tell stories to literally just the 10 of them in this large room - not a single person is sitting. Where did these women place their gaze? I simply would not know what to do. Megan and Nick offer stories filled with, what the women believe to be innuendo, but really are just filled with extremely explicit language. I...forgot I was watching ABC for a minute?

The women find out that they’ll be telling their own stories about significant “firsts” in their lives tonight in front of about 200 people. They all break away with some tiny notebooks provided by production to begin work on their stories. Meanwhile, Nick and Megan walk around to all the women to offer some advice on their stories. All I know is Nicole thinks she’s very smart and funny, Hannah G. has never spoken in public before, and Demi thinks that no one is going to have a story like hers.

It’s unclear if they’re still at The Regent for the actual performance because we are SHOT to the evening in record time. Colton is actually first up in the evening and tells a story about the first time he told the truth about his virginity. It’s...fine? Can we move on now? Elyse is up second and reveals that she’s always dated older men, sometimes up to 13 years older than her, and for the first time in her “very, very early 30s”, she’s dating a younger man. WE LOVE ELYSE.

Nicole talks about the first time she dated a white man (Is that now? We never found out.) and Hannah G. talks about the first impression rose, which is honestly a great and creative way to spin this challenge. No wonder she’s a content creator! Nick gets back on the mic just to say: “I was touched by that, but it kind of took away from the rose that you gave me earlier.” We also love Nick Offerman.

Bri doesn’t have an accent anymore and I can’t be the only one pissed that we didn’t see the footage of that reveal. She seems surprisingly normal now? She talks about the first time she felt comfortable in her own skin. Onyeka talks about nonsense including putting on her lifeguard gear to save Colton from drowning in bitches. Catherine just gets up there also to talk about Onyeka’s story? This is what I’m imagining happening for both of them:

Tracy tells a harrowing tale of the first time she tried to date a virgin, which resulted in her getting punched in the face? Tracy is genuinely a troubled woman. Demi is last and her story is not a story at all, but rather a publicity stunt to kiss Colton in front of everyone. I think she realized she needed to wrap it up in some way, so she quickly runs up to the mic to say: “And that is the story of how I got the first group date rose”. One: no. Two: That’s not a story, Demi. Do you know what stories are, little girl?

Back at the mansion - actually, let’s pause here for a second. The mansion was partially burned in the fires late last year! Will we be able to return to the location? The owners of the mansion also own a local tasting room for a brewery in Downtown LA and I’ve been tempted for months to go down and ask them. Regardless of what you think of the show, the location has been iconic and it’s genuinely very sad to hear that a part of it was destroyed. Hoping they find a way to rebuild and return.

Anyway! Another date card! “Hannah B.: True love is on the horizon...Colton”. Uh oh, other beauty queen aka Caelynn is SHAKING. Hannah B. also tells the women that the date will be on her birthday and we’re all left to wonder if the age in her lower third is the age she’s turning or the age she actually is? We hope it’s the age she is at the time of filming because it’s 23 right now and it makes me sad that people under 23 are on this show (sorry, Heather!).

For the cocktail party, back at the group date, they go to City Club Los Angeles, which is not a place I’ve ever heard of. Colton makes a toast and not even a second later, Demi grabs him first. What’s the strategy here? Wouldn’t you want to be the last to grab him? I don’t understand. Tracy is livid, for whatever reason, and feels that Demi just forced herself on Colton both in this scenario and also when she kissed him during the date.

During Colton’s conversation with Demi, he says that he really likes her confidence, and then all of a sudden, we take a very sharp turn where Demi calls herself a “total woman supporter”? One: no. Two: how is that incorrect fact relevant to anything? Demi returns from her conversation and grabs the rose on the table and says: “Oh, it’s my rose!”. One: no. Two: gross. While I am annoyed by this gesture, Tracy literally describes herself as “short of breath” because of it.

Colton sits down with Elyse and tells her that she killed it and was super sexy. Elyse tells him that there’s a group of the women who call themselves “Colton’s Cougars” who are all 27 and above and they named their room the “Cougar Den”. I want to be friends with all of the Cougars, I love them. Also, Elyse is a damn star and deserves love. Colton wants Elyse to keep opening up and says that he thinks he could learn a thing or two from her. O K A Y. They make out with a lot of tongue. Go Elyse!

Onyeka and Tracy end up in the darkest corner of all time just to gossip about Demi. They think her grabbing the rose, and basically all of her actions up to this point, have been immature. Meanwhile, Demi is truly just playing with the tassels on her dress. Tracy, in what appears to be a mature move from the outside, pulls Demi aside to tell her that it bothered her when she picked up the rose. Demi just says she’s “totally sorry” and then in an interview says that there’s “no advantage to being an older woman here”? It kinda seems like they’re editing her to make her seem meaner, but in that effort, they’ve made it look like she just can’t string thoughts together? Demi is this year’s definition of “I’m not here to make friends.”

Hannah G. and Colton are sitting down together, like, very close together, I might add, and she’s already feeling like this is hard. Colton reassures her because it’s clear he likes this girl a lot, but how is she going to make it through 9 more weeks of this? Anytime someone’s struggling Week 1, I’m not confident they’re making it the whole time. Demi peeks over this booth that she’s sitting at only to find Colton pushing Hannah G. up against a window making out with her.

I forgot so many other women were on this date - Catherine is there, Bri and Colton are in a photo booth, and then we land with Nicole. She tells Colton that her twin brother is autistic and they’re a very close family. They connect about that and Colton having spent time with kids with autism and it is very nice and pleasant, but it’s pretty clear that Colton doesn’t really have any feelings for this girl. Nicole did not get that vibe, though, and says that she’d propose tonight if she could. Oof, I’m concerned for Nicole and her extreme insecurity. Anyway, the group date rose goes to someone he’s excited for a future with and it’s ELYSE. YES. Demi is pissed.

Time for Hannah B.’s birthday date - Colton picks her up in a very cool car and we find out that he’s most attracted to eyes and teeth, which, makes sense why she’s here. They go to Vasquez Rocks, wherever that is, to go horseback riding.

Back at the mansion, Caelynn aka Other Beauty Queen, sits down with Caitlin to reveal that she and Hannah B. actually know each other - they competed at Miss USA together and surprise: THEY WERE ROOMMATES.

We find out that Hannah B. was apparently so pissed that Caelynn placed and she didn’t that she “SNAPPED”. Caelynn is sure that Hannah B. has another side to her and it won’t take long until she shows her true self. YIKES.

The date, meanwhile is not going well. Hannah says that she often doesn’t feel good enough and is very self aware about that, but she’s literally saying NOTHING to Colton. It’s like she’s never held a conversation before. They sit down near a hot tub and Colton toasts to “Being open, to being honest, to being true to who we are, and to challenging each other throughout this journey.” Damn, Colton, can you write toasts for every season? He wants Hannah B. to toast as well, but she literally, like, can’t? Eventually she says “Let’s make a toast to...first, it’s my birthday...so to this amazing day...and, um, yeah...roll tide!”. Cue Colton: “When in doubt!” L O L. I think we like Colton now?

They decide to go to the hot tub and it’s very clear at this point, they have truly no chemistry - they barely even talk. She grabs an eyelash from his face and other than that, it’s him just trying to convince her to be basically a normal person? He even says that if she can’t open up, he won’t be able to give the rose to her tonight.

They head to the Queen Mary for dinner and Colton’s stressed because now he’s questioning his intuition - he thought this would be the perfect one-on-one based on night one, but she seems like a completely different person. I’m sorry, is Colton SELF AWARE? I’m genuinely shocked that this season is going so much better than expected.

They sit down to dinner and he toasts again, this time to opening up, and he also tells her that he could sense that something was off. He could tell that she was trying to be perfect the whole time, but he doesn’t want her to feel that burden. Again...do we...like Colton? It’s something that she’s struggled with her whole life and I am reminded about their night one conversation - she literally made them promise to always be open and honest with one another. WHO IS THIS RANDOM GIRL THAT IS NOT THE SAME GIRL THAT WAS THERE ON NIGHT ONE. Also, side note, her age has changed to 24 and I am feeling more comfortable.

She finally opens up and says that one thing she’s been wanting to talk about all day is why he’s a virgin - I really have to hand it to Colton for answering this question a million different times and answering it in different and valid ways each time. He says that he just kind of accidentally ended up this way - initially, he had it ingrained in him that you save yourself for marriage, but now he just holds so much value in finding the right heart.

Hannah finally opens up and says that she was brought up that way, too, and she had planned to stay a virgin until marriage, until she was in a long term relationship and she feels a lot of guilt for that. She basically doesn’t feel perfect because she can’t give her husband her virginity. Hannah, and I, are both quite shocked about how much she’s opening up and Colton is handling it well - he finally grabs the rose and says that although they had a rough morning, he wants her to know that she shouldn’t be ashamed of any decision she’s made in her past and, again, he doesn’t want her to feel like she needs to be perfect. She accepts the rose and they head out to the edge of the boat to watch some dangerously close fireworks. Still looking forward to seeing her SNAP tbh, but this date ended up better than expected and I think I’m fully on board with Colton?

Final date card! “Alex, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney, Cassie, Heather: I camp fight this feeling anymore...Colton”. Eh. We cut to Colton simply splitting wood and then we find out that we’re at Camp Bachelor. Colton was clearly cutting wood for no reason because we see him grilling on a charcoal grill with no bonfire to be found. The women show up and they play field games for awhile and, honestly, it looks pretty fun!

For some reason, Chris Harrison drives up on a golf cart with Billy Eichner (SHE DROVE ME HERE) who Colton describes are “very hilarious”. I love Billy very deeply, but truly why is he here? We find out that they’re separating the women into 2 teams and the winning team will get to stay at “sleepaway” camp with Colton while the other women go home. While the women are getting changed for the competition, Billy and Chris sit down with Colton and he’s a great sport about it. Billy gives him shit for being a virgin and says “maybe you’re the first gay Bachelor and we don’t even know! PUT THAT IN YOUR PROMO”. I really wish they had.

The women return to the Camp Bachelor Jamboree playing ground and Courtney told her team “blood, sweat, tears, CRYING, leave it all out there.” My god, Courtney. They start with a egg on a spoon race, move on to a wheelbarrow race, and end with a three legged race all for one round in the competition - the red team gets the win for that round. They do a canoe race, which the yellow team wins, and finally compete in a round of tug of war during which Colton has to stand calf deep in mud? The red team wins - cool!

Back at the mansion, Onyeka is making a STATEMENT with a 9pm floppy hat and as the yellow team returns, the rest of the girls can’t stop saying that this sleepaway camp will be “very intimate”.

Back at camp, Colton and Katie sit down and they make each other jittery and they like kissing each other. Heather tells Cassie that she’ll reveal to Colton tonight that she’s never been kissed and she fears that he’ll see that as who she is rather than as a part of her. Heather sits down with Colton and flat out says that she’s not only a virgin, but she’s never kissed anyone before. He takes it pretty well and says that it shows she has value and self worth (I agree, but also, it doesn’t mean that people who kiss people don’t have value and self worth). Heather and I were both wondering if Colton was going to kiss her, there did kinda seem like a moment, but then we both realized that he would be kind of an ass if he heard that and then immediately took an important moment away from her. I’m confident it’ll happen soon.

Back at the mansion, the Hannahs sit down together and B. tells G. that she’s nervous about Colton spending time with Caelynn. Hannah B. says that there’s not one person she has a problem with in the world except her and she thinks Caelynn is fake. I NEED TO KNOW DETAILS OF THIS FEUD IT’S AMAZING.

Caelynn and Colton sit down at camp and they bond over their experiences working with kids at hospitals, her as Miss North Carolina, and he, through his charity. The group date rose is truly up in the air IMO, but it eventually goes to someone who was open and honest with him: Heather! I support Heather. I hope he does, too.

Time for this week’s cocktail party and I literally start my notes with “eff you, Demi”. She says that tonight is “gonna be a little aggressive especially with the older girls”. I truly cannot wait for her to get wrinkles and lose all her beauty. She deserves every dishappiness in the world. She even says that the “younger” girls are “five steps ahead” of the older women - literally the oldest woman is 31. I feel like she thinks if you’re older than the man you’re dating, you turn to dust. Speaking of, have we tried throwing water on her?

Courtney talks to Colton first and I know this because Courtney talks about Courtney in third person. Blech. We find out she is the oldest of 5 and is ready for a family and ready to fall deeply in love. She says she was responsible for 4 other people and I just really don’t think that was true? She’s making it sound like she had no parents and she was in charge of these children. Methinks she’s exaggerating a bit.

Nina tells Colton that she’s looking for a best friend, Colton wants Kirpa to stick around because of her personality, and Sydney cheated during the competition. While Sydney and Colton are talking, Onyeka decides to blow a literal air horn and it’s awful. Nawt a moment later, Sydney returns to interrupt Onyeka, this time with a sheet pan and a ladle. That didn’t work so she returns AGAIN with a pot and a ladle and IT’S SO EMBARRASSING. STOP DOING THIS, WOMEN.

Erika doesn’t want to have any kids, Alex finds another eyelash on his face and she snorts, and Tracy is the oldest and also a mess. While Tracy and Colton are talking, Demi “changes” out of her dress into a robe to interrupt them. She apparently has to show Colton something upstairs? LOL at Caitlin just going “DOES SHE NOT HAVE PARENTS? I’M JUST CONFUSED”. Still not sure how one begets the other, but it is an entertaining moment.

Demi returns - we don’t really see much of what happened upstairs other than she actually was clothed the whole time - and the women go after her for being inappropriate again. The women tell her that Tracy is the most upset with Demi and she’s upstairs crying. Demi walks upstairs to find her crying and just tells Tracy that she’s “seriously one of the most amazing women [she’s] ever met” and I can’t help but feel like she’s lying? She also calls her an amazing storyteller? It is truly a mess, all of it, it’s a nightmare. But, oh well, Demi’s plan is to sit back in her robe, sip her drink, and wait for her rose. Great.

Time for the rose ceremony! Congrats to: Tayshia, Cassie, Caelynn, Courtney, Demi, Nicole, Kirpa, Hannah G., Catherine, Bri, Sydney, Onyeka, Katie, Caitlin, Nina, and Tracy! Bai to Alex, Erika, Angelique, and Annie. Truly didn’t know anything about any four of you!

Next week on The Bachelor: they go to the pirate version of Medieval Times? The women work out with Colton, it looks like Elyse might get a one-on-one, and Demi and Tracy are on another group date together. Also Demi is still a mess and Hannah B.’s beast is about to come out. Yay? See ya then!

The Bachelor, Season 23: Week 1

Three. Full. Hours. This episode was insanely long. You would think, with Colton not exactly being the most popular choice they’ve had, the producers might actually want to spare us a little time. But no, it’s almost as if they were performing some kind of exposure therapy and, to be quite honest, I think it worked. I’m excited for this season? Sure! I guess I’m excited for this season! So let’s jump in:

First of all: did we know that these viewing parties were a thing? The one in LA was at the Fonda Theater which is less than a mile to my house. Was sad to find that out because I get off work early enough that I could have crashed it, but oh well. Not only is there a giant viewing party in LA, but there are at least 3 other viewing parties hosted by Bachelor Nation stars: Kaitlyn Bristowe and JoJo Fletcher are hosting a party in Dallas, Ashley and Jared in Park City, Utah, and Jason and Blake are in Lansing, Michigan. Right when they showed the party in Michigan, I almost paused my TV and cried about what could have been.

We float around these parties for awhile and they all have one thing in common: they’re very loud. Loud to a point that I’m not sure the purpose of the parties are actually to watch, but rather to scream into a camera. In addition to these watch parties, inexplicably, Chris and Krystal - no, I’m sorry, GOOSE and Krystal, are in a hot tub outside the LA watch party. Now. Let me tell you. Like I mentioned, I live a mere mile from the location of this party. They are in maybe one of the shittiest parking lots in LA. It’s directly next to my Toyota dealership where I likely pay too much for service and directly across from the worst escape room in LA. It makes me laugh so much.

It was at this point in the evening that I realized I wasn’t going to make it - we went to a commercial break and returned exactly back to the viewing party. These three hours were going to be long.

Luckily, we get a respite from the viewing parties to meet a few of the women - first up is Cassie from Huntington Beach, California. She loves the beach, but she also enjoys working with people - she’s a grad student and speech pathologist. She closes, and I quote, by saying that “she’s supposed to be a good communicator” and she hopes that “translates”. I’m concerned that she doesn’t know what speech pathology is, but oh well. Hannah B. is from Alabama and is literally Miss Alabama. She shows us her autograph pads, whatever those are. To keep it ReLaTaBle, she also tells us that she’s the conductor of the Hot Mess Express. Somehow, I think she’s not. Katie lives in LA and wants to be a dancer, though, the freestyling she chooses to show doesn’t exactly what I would consider to be her finest work. Her parents have been married for 30 years and apparently she has a specific type, though we never find out what it is. Hopefully it’s blonde, former NFL players.  

Heather is next and she is from Carlsbad, California and she has never been kissed, so she, too, is a virgin. We find out that she’s actually met Colton before at a charity event and they took a picture together. She can see herself having her first kiss with Colton, and statistically, so can I! Onyekachukwu is loud and obnoxious at times, according to her. She says that her parents were only dating for 2 weeks before they got engaged and she’s a firm believer in “when you know, you know”. That’s probably good. Nicole is from Miami and says that it’s hard to be single in Miami when you’re relatively attractive. Awwwwww, I can only imagine! She has an autistic brother with whom she is very close. Kirpa is a dental hygienist and hopes that Colton flosses. Same! Demi is a country girl from Texas who lives with her dad and stepmom. We also find out that her mom is in federal prison for embezzlement? A colorful fact I never expected from someone on this franchise. She’s hesitant about Colton’s virginity because she thinks he won’t know what he wants - she wants to “try out all the cupcakes first” to know what she wants. I wholeheartedly disagree with everything about this metaphor, but okay.

We come back from another commercial break to - you guessed it - the viewing parties! At this point, it’s been 30 straight minutes of viewing parties with no sign of letting up - no limos to be found. We see a feature about Colton, which is really just a feature of Colton showering. I don’t know why they didn’t focus on this last season, but apparently he was a fat, chunky, awkward kid? The photos don’t lie. He talks about how stressed he was in the NFL, how he wants to share his life with someone, and how he’s been in love before and wants that again.

Colton and Chris sit down at the mansion and have a very frank conversation - literally Chris Harrison is like: “People are probably saying ‘HE’S NOT A MAN’”. Like, damn, Chris. Colton explains that everything he was worried about happening to him did happen to him. You do have to admit, they’re selling his virginity like it’s a prize horse and that can’t be easy. All I know at the end of this is HE SHOWERS. So he’s got that going for him!

Another commercial and another return to the viewing parties. With whom can I personally speak about absolutely never doing this ever again because it’s bad. As another way to truly waste my time, they do a feature about all the Bachelor babies. Look, the babies are very adorable, but if looking at these babies means I can’t go to bed until after 11pm, I choose bed.

We return from another commercial break to a proposal at one of the viewing parties. Whoop di do. We return to the LA viewing party and talk to Sarah Herron who loves that Colton was a chubby child and, tbh, same. Also, finally it took 56 whole minutes into the broadcast to hear the first mention of Tia.

Finally, and I truly mean finally, we see the first limo. It’s almost as if the 1,000+ words I just wrote didn’t mean anything! DON’T TELL ME IF THAT’S TRUE. Demi is the first out of the limo and I don’t enjoy her dress. She tells Colton that she hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12, but she’s excited to give it another shot. Ehh, not into this limo exit. Tayshia is next and she is beautiful and Colton thinks so, too. Heather who has never been kissed is the tiniest human, Nicole speaks Spanish, and Caelynn is a beauty queen who has a sash that says “Miss Underwood”. I kind of like the move tbh.

Sydney is an NBA dancer and quit her job to be here, which has, historically, not worked out for anyone. Elyse is nervous and a redhead, Tahzjuan tells Colton how to pronounce her name, and, oh no, this dress on Cassie is very unfortunate. She has what appears to be a Bird Box? Oh no, just kidding, it’s a box of fake butterflies. I’m still not entirely sure what her gimmick was here? Kirpa is all sparkle and updo, Caitlin popped his cherry so he doesn’t have to talk about his virginity anymore, and Courtney brough Colton a peach that he seemed to DESPERATELY need. Katie performs a magic trick about taking his V card and then the sloth comes in. I love the sloth. I love her commitment. And most importantly, I love that Colton says exactly how he’s feeling: “Oh boy, this is gonna take forever.”

Shoutout to the editors for going to commercial with the sloth and returning to her still not having reached Colton yet. Alex D. is the sloth and I’m sure I’ll forget it. Onyeka has a long name, Erika’s name is McNut, and Hannah B. gets some romantic music under her limo exit. Then comes my favorite part of this whole episode when Hannah B. walks into the house, sees Caelynn, and VERY OBVIOUSLY does not like her. The pageant smiles were ON DISPLAY and I was loving it.

Back outside, we get our first siren of the season when Tracy pulls up in a cop car, even though she’s a wardrobe stylist? Oh, she’s the fashion police. Got it. Angelique is amongst the delegation I am now calling “The Glitters”, as is Devin. Revian speaks Mandarin, Nina speaks Croatian, and Alex B. has no voice at all. Next comes Bri, the model whom I’m sure all of us had seen before the premiere because her fake Australian accent is now infamous. The fact that we really don’t see much more of her in this episode is a true shame. She. Is. An. ICON.

Laura is from Dallas, Hannah G. has a gift for Colton and the gift is an empty box because Colton doesn’t wear underwear? Truly how are these 2 things related? Jane has a photo of Colton and her dog, and Catherine one ups her by bringing her ACTUAL DOG. SHE LITERALLY BRINGS HER DOG FOR COLTON TO TAKE CARE OF HER. It’s truly genius and absolutely insane. Last, but not least, Erin, whose occupation is Cinderella, pulls up in a horse and carriage and gives Colton her shoe. Mmk.

I know choose to gloss over the fact that Becca and Garrett are at the viewing party in Park City as well as the fact that there’s another proposal at the viewing party in Michigan.

After 30 limo exits, we’re finally done, and it’s time to start the cocktail party. Colton walks in and toasts to new beginnings, to taking chances, and to falling in love. Demi, whom I will call “Cupcake”, grabs him first. She is a very aggressive person, which is not a bad thing, I’m just curious how their chemistry will be. Erika aka McNut MUST know why Colton is a virgin because he’s attractive. McNut is no longer my favorite. But she clearly doesn’t like Colton, so that’s okay, she’ll be gone soon.

I love Colton’s remark that this is six times the number of women he’s dated in his entire life. We love a man with perspective. He talks to Hannah G. by the fire and they take 3 deep breaths together. Caelynn and Colton have a conversation in the front of the house and I think the have chemistry? They agree that they feel more mature because of their life experience even though they’re only 23 and 26. He kisses her and she’s shocked that he took the initiative. Why do all these women think this man is a shut in?

Sydney brought a full string quartet to dance with Colton and says that she’s looking for her lifelong dance partner. Elyse, the redhead, is from Alaska and they literally fish a disgusting dead fish out of the pool? It’s GROSS. Tayshia sets up “Tayshia Land” which has genuinely no attractions. Finally, the sloth, who had been hanging from a tree for some time, reveals herself to be Alex D. and she has nice hair. Colton respects her commitment.

You know what I respect? Catherine’s commitment to drinking coffee during the cocktail party. Hate to say it, but is she a girl after my own heart? She gets to sit down with Colton and she is legitimately scary. A crazy woman. She might be unwell. Tracy cuts in and wants to decorate shoes? Not even 10 seconds later (in TV time, mind you), Catherine cuts back in on Tracy: “I didn’t mean to interrupt your coloring, but I think our conversation might be more important.” Quite honestly, Catherine, it’s not.

Onyeka, who is living up to her own assessment of being someone who can be “loud and obnoxious” at times, cuts in on Catherine’s second conversation by using a whistle and a snorkel? I...don’t understand? Catherine quietly stews and chooses to again interrupt Colton’s conversation. “Third time’s the charm!” Is it?

Once Colton is free of Catherine’s grip, Onyeka decides to pull Catherine aside to let her know that she’s rubbing a lot of women the wrong way by constantly stealing him. This is an absolutely absurd conversation, but shoutout to Onyeka for confronting this and not talking shit about Catherine behind her back. They have a truly superficial conversation which Onyeka leaves feeling like it went well, but tbh, it didn’t.

Next thing we see is Tahzjuan giving Colton a gift about silver linings, when, what do ya know, CATHERINE STEALS HIM AGAIN. It’s “actually excessive” according to Courtney and, while I couldn’t agree more, it’s extremely entertaining.

Cassie sits down with Colton and teaches him som sign language including the signs for “You’re cute”, “rose” and “kiss”. Dude missed his opportunity on that last one. He sits down with Katie and they talk about strong, independent women and then DAMN they just start making out. Hannah B., aka Miss Alabama, finally gets to sit down with Colton after freaking out about not getting time - they decide to have an honesty policy which seems logical!

Colton grabs the first impression rose to find Hannah G., the content creator! They breathed together! Very honestly not who I expected the rose to go to, but they like each other and he kisses her with A LOT of tongue and they’re very into each other. Cool!

I may have failed to mention it earlier, but during a viewing party, we found out that we needed to like an Instagram post in order to “unlock” some “secret footage”. Well, they aimed extremely low and apparently Bachelor Nation unlocked that footage about 30 seconds into the challenge. Well, Chris Harrison intros the secret footage only to find out that the footage is just FOOTAGE OF HIM. It’s a tribute to his time as host of this show? I mean, it’s great, but we can all agree that 150,000 people were disappointed it wasn’t just another video of Colton showering?

Time for the first rose ceremony of 2019! Congrats to: Caelynn, Katie, Alex B., Hannah B., Onyeka, Caitlin, Annie, Kirpa, Heather, Elyse, Tayshia, Courtney, Cassie, Demi, Nina, Erika, Sydney, Bri, Angelique, Tracy, Nicole, and Catherine. LOL. I love producer picks, I’ve decided to embrace them and not fight the drama. Bai to Sloth aka. Alex D., Devin, Erin aka Cinderella, Jane, Laura, Revian, and Tahzjuan. They make Cinderella walk past a pumpkin and force a weeping Devin to give her interview in front of the celebrating women. SAVAGE.

This season on The Bachelor: it’s the most dramatic and unpredictable season in the history of The Bachelor. Colton showers with a woman, they go to tropical locations, see a lot of fireworks, and Catherine seems like she’s sticking around for a few weeks! Colton tells America that it will be tender and passionate when he loses his virginity; everyone named “Hannah” is falling in love with Colton and so is Demi. Caelynn is emotionally tormented maybe by Demi who seems like she might be two faced? Colton walks through a dead forest, Elyse can’t accept a proposal, and Colton’s heart is broken. Even Chris says “holy shit” and Colton literally runs away? This season looks awesome. Like I’ve always said: boring Bachelor - crazy women - lots of drama. Until next week!