The Bachelor, Season 21: Week 10

We actually did it! This is my first season I’ve actually completed each and every recap for each episode of the show. What a journey we’ve been on! Let’s do a quick recap of the finale, though, I’ll tell ya, it was not exactly riveting. When we left Nick, he was at a crossroads, let’s see which path he chooses!

I always forget that they show the finale live to the After the Final Rose taping audience—I sincerely appreciated Chris Harrison’s intro for the final episode when he called Nick’s search for love “desperate”. TOO TRUE. Nick, Vanessa, and Raven are headed to the Arctic Circle, but maybe they’re just staying in Lapland? The geography of this episode is mind boggling. Much of the Viall clan has flown all the way to Finland to meet these girls, even Bella is there and she straight up asks him, “Do you have a favorite?” He does. His parents detail their excruciating pain over these past few seasons and, yeah, honestly I feel bad for this whole family, especially Bella. Raven is the first one to meet the family even though, you know, she’s met many of them before including her bestie Bella. Bella even tells her that she hopes Nick picks her. Poor Bella. Raven and Nick’s dad hang out for a little bit and she tells him that she’s hoping for a proposal—according to his dad, she has more a sense of maturity that he wasn’t expecting. Kinda same. Nick’s mom and Nick chat and she says that she can’t imagine Raven ever hurting Nick, which, I do have to agree. It’s also very clear that Nick loved Kaitlyn WAY more than Andi. They barely even mention her name. But Raven’s day with the fam goes well, which is to be expected. Vanessa is there the next day and I never would have thought it, but she’s actually a really wonderful storyteller—something I envy about her. She talks to both of his parents and with his mom she’s maybe a little too open about the fact that she’s not positive that she wants to get engaged at the end of this. With his dad, she asks him if love is enough to make a relationship work, which clearly it is not. The two of them cry and hug and very clearly Nick’s dad is Team Vanessa. It is interesting, though, that Nick’s family describes Vanessa as “his type” and then goes on to tell him that his type hasn’t exactly worked out in the past. They essentially call Vanessa the safe choice. I gotta say, I disagree with that, but OKAY, VIALLS. It was two relatively uneventful days with the family, minus Vanessa and Nick’s dad crying together, but all in all, it seems like it might be a pretty even playing field for Vanessa and Raven.

Vanessa has her date first, which, if you’re even a slight aficionado, you know that means she’s getting engaged. (Spoiler alert? COME ON, GUYS, IT’S BEEN A FULL WEEK.) Vanessa says that she’s going to try to relax and live in the moment. Hmm alrighty. They’re going to do some “Nordic traditions” in the woods, which is apparently just horseback riding? Wouldn’t that be the tradition of, like, humanity? It is insanely beautiful, though, I wanna horseback ride through the Arctic circle. They pull up to this tiny little cabin—no really, Nick has to duck to knock on the door—and what do ya know? IT’S SANTA CLAUS! Shouldn’t there be a guy that lives up there with a real beard? What’s up with this Mall Santa beard??? They go in and Vanessa wants to snuggle with Santa (gross) and Santa asks them what they want for Christmas. They both want to find happiness and love. Cute. Instead of that, Santa gives them a plaque with other people’s names on it. Santa is apparently wishing Niko and Venla happiness and fertility. My favorite part is that Vanessa is so deep in Bachelor Brainwashing that she earnestly says “It’s nice to hear that Santa sees a future with Nick and I.” LOL. They sit around a fire for awhile and something isn’t sitting right with Vanessa. She cries about it, but I genuinely don’t remember what specifically because, like I said, I know they’re about to get engaged soooooooo I’m not too worried. Nick shows up, presumably, at Vanessa’s cabin that night and they have, what I would consider to be, an actual honest conversation about their relationship. Vanessa is pissed because Nick keeps answering her questions really generally and he also tells her that he doesn’t even know if he wants to propose at the end of the week. Cue tons of tears from Vanessa. Honestly, if I were in that position, that would be me x1000000. Also, did everyone notice Vanessa essentially echoing what Rachel told Nick, that she only makes decisions when she knows the outcome? I would not assume those two make decisions in the same way, but I suppose it makes sense. They part ways and Vanessa says that he thinks Nick loves her, but she’s afraid that he might love Raven, too.

Raven meets up with Nick in the woods next and I am SO thrown off by the fact that she runs toward him saying “Good to see you!” WHAT. YOU MIGHT BE ENGAGED IN 2 DAYS AND YOU SAY “GOOD TO SEE YOU”????? It just felt SO wrong to hear that phrase. They walk through the woods and Nick calls her “my love”, which, wOAH DUDE. Because skating is their “thing”, according to Nick, the two of them ice skate on a frozen lake. I just must say, how did they find a girl from Arkansas and this city boy who are actually just so phenomenally good at skating. I haven’t skated accurately or even well once in my entire life. This is legit impressive. He keeps picking her up, too, and I’m seriously concerned that she’s going to slice him with her skates. After some time, they, too, find a fire to sit next to and talk about her time with his parents. Before you know it, he gets up and BRINGS 3 HUSKY PUPPIES FOR THEM TO PLAY WITH. OMG. WHY WERE WE NOT SHOWN THESE PUPPIES FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE EPISODE????? I’m just over the moon, I love puppies so much, I could have just watched that forever. That night, Nick goes to “Raven’s” cabin, but methinks it’s both Vanessa’s cabin and where his family stayed. Is there only one building in all of the Arctic Circle???? Raven asks, what I consider to be a weird ass question and Nick follows up with a weird ass answer:

R: Without giving me too many details, how are you doing?

N: Well, I can’t move my neck, I’m so stressed.

A couple things with that: 1. RAVEN, HOW DO YOU NOT WANT DETAILS???? I know he’s not gonna give them to you, but surely you want details. 2. Since when is neck rigidity a side effect of stress? I feel like he just pulled it while ice skating. 3. This does not exactly seem like a great exchange for people who are preparing to get engaged. Maybe that’s why they don’t. Raven takes her time to reassure Nick that she has absolutely no hesitation and she’s ready to get engaged. Nick says that he was never worried about Raven, which is half lovely and half kinda insulting. He does say what I believe to be the greatest thing he’s ever said when he says that he’s proud that she’s there and he wants to brag about her. WE ALL DO. AMERICA LOVES RAVEN.

We pull up to the second building in the Arctic Circle and inside is Nick—he opens up the door to let in Neil Lane, a man who says “everyone likes you”. I feel like Neil hasn’t been reading every tabloid ever—definitely not everyone likes Nick. He picks out a ring that is definitely not my taste, but is expensive. We cut to Raven and Vanessa getting ready—Raven has been looking for the other piece of her for her entire adult life and she’s ready to be engaged tonight; Vanessa might not want to be engaged. Cool! Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but we’re about to have the first ever indoor finale???? I’M INTO IT! We watch two black SUVs, each eye in the Bachelor Nation poised to see which foot steps out of the car first: it’s Raven. OMG. She’s just so excited and happy and she really might be one of the best people. She walks in to see Nick and he tells her that she looks beautiful (rude) and she pours her heart out. He pulls the classic “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” UGH. Why do they make the girl talk first, though???? This is his deal, let him go first. She’s incredibly stoic, but eventually starts crying to prove that she’s not a robot. Nick tells her he’s going to miss her and she says, “I know.” SHE’S AN ICON. He walks her out and she says that she doesn’t know if it’s possible for her to find love so why is she even trying? LET’S FIND OUT ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE, PREMIERING LIKELY IN AUGUST!

We cut back to Nick who says he’s been falling in love with Vanessa for a very long time—he feels like he’s been fighting it, but he’s not fighting it any longer, and he’s going to propose! Ugh! I know I shouldn’t care, but I do legitimately like them so long as they’re acting like they did on their first date! She walks in, he pours his heart out (first, luckily) and she does the same. He tells her that it was the second rose ceremony when he started falling in love with her. UGH. I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER THE REST BECAUSE I WAS ACTUALLY CRYING! Say what you will about Nick or Vanessa or Nick and Vanessa or The Bachelor as a whole, YOU GOTTA BE EXCITED FOR ENGAGEMENTS! They’re excited to start their life together and, also, literally “do it”. Aww.

Well, that’s it, folks! It was a season that almost made me give up on the franchise (Thanks, Corinne), it gave us some seriously quotable moments (Thanks, Corinne), and has given us the first black Bachelorette in history (THANK YOU, ABC). I’ve had the best time. See you in a couple months when Rachel surely knocks it out of the park. And then a few months after that when we SEE MY GIRL ALEXIS ON PARADISE. Bai!

The Bachelor, Season 21: Week 9, Pt. 2

Anyone else just kinda over this season knowing who the Bachelorette is and without having someone like Corinne on with to project my anger? Love Raven and Vanessa, but especially with Nick’s DWTS announcement, y’all know he’s not engaged anymore. But we shall persevere and recap like our life depends on it. ONE MORE WEEK, GUYS! Then just a short wait until we see the greatest Bachelorette of all time, Rachel, take the reigns and show these men how it’s done. Previously on The Bachelor: Raven was hoping for fireworks. Yep, that’s truly it because IT WAS A HORRIBLY SHORT EPISODE. But Rachel and Vanessa are poised to face the arctic this week—as Chris Harrison says, “WHO WILL MELT NICK’S HEART?” Let’s find out!

Nick and Raven wake up and apparently had a nice time with each other. I’m slightly concerned for Nick’s spine as he has contorted his spinal column into a nearly non-human-like form while he and Raven sit on the bed. Raven says that last night meant a lot to her, being able to be alone with Nick “physically”, and that she’s pretty satisfied today. Mmk. She’s so satisfied that she gets to skip through the town of Lapland, Finland in an effort to show America that Nick Viall isn’t so bad in bed. Cool. It’s a weird super quick wrap up to Raven’s cool date. It should also be noted that Raven clearly got the best bedroom on her fantasy suite, the other two SUCK. You’ll see.

Rachel is up next and she’s frolicking through the forests of Finland saying that it looks like Narnia. IT SO DOES. She meets up with Nick and he says that they’re going to be cross-country skiing. Look, y’all. I don’t know if anyone has ever cross-country skied, I myself have only ever once done it, but it may be the most physically difficult thing that’s ever been done. Especially if it’s your first time doing it. Rachel says that she’s super athletic, but she sucks at cross-country skiing. YEAH. I THINK AMERICA NEEDS TO KNOW THE TRUTH—IT’S NOT AN EASY TASK. They end up at a place that has real, live reindeer, and I feel like we, as a society, just aren’t impressed with real reindeer anymore. Right? They go into this little hut with a fire and talk about her fear of rejection and for the first time in franchise history, the word “reciprocity” is used. Essentially, she’s scared of telling Nick how she feels and him not being able to reciprocate those feelings or even give her an indication of how he’s feeling. For Rachel, though, Nick is rare and refreshing—two things that make him a minority, even though, you know, he’s white. Lol. They head out onto this little sleigh being pulled by real reindeer (over it) and like this sleigh is just a bed? I feel like they could have invested in a more structured sleigh, but okay. They end up at this kinda bougie cabin thing and, again, talk about how scared Rachel is. In general, she doesn’t make decisions when she doesn’t know what the outcome is going to be. HARD SAME, RACH. For Nick, though, he likes knowing exactly where he stands. HARD SAME, NICK. Ah yes, a stalemate. Who shall crack first? Rachel, of course, she says that she’s falling in love with him and, surprise, he’s falling in love with her, too. It’s wonderful. Nick says that he wants Rachel to have the strength to be a bit of a mess sometimes, and I don’t think this is a great example of that because obviously she did everything super well and she may be the least “mess of a person” I’ve ever seen in my life, but I’m happy for them. She put her ego and hesitations aside and just let it all hang out. Go Rach. They head up to the fantasy suite that is potentially the tiniest room I’ve ever seen and Rachel says that she feels loved. GOOD, SHE DESERVES ONLY LOVE IN THIS WORLD. They wake up and Rachel is wearing the best penguin onesie because she is a star and then Nick makes eggs, but eats them all. They bid adieu and look decidedly more cozy leaving each other than he and Raven did the day before. Damnit, Nick Viall, why must you lead us on this way?!

For the final date of the week-that-spanned-two-weeks-and-two-full-hours-of-television, Vanessa finds Nick in the forest. Nick says that Vanessa has always been willing to have fun and get out of her comfort zone and that their physical relationship is hot and steamy. Gross. As a way to get the two of them out of their comfort zone more, Nick says that they’re going to be getting in an ice bath then running into a sauna and repeating that process a few times until finally they can hang out in a hot tub. Sounds fun. They get on their matching swimsuits and honestly neither of them are at all excited about this date. It’s pretty funny tbh. They run out of the sauna building thing into the cold and have to full on run down stairs that are laced with snow? Seriously how are these two not slipping and cracking their heads open??? I can’t have been the only one legitimately concerned for their safety. They get in the first time and last maaaaaaybe 2 seconds total before they have to run out and run back into the sauna. Vanessa physically folds in half while Nick does this weird dancing thing and I’m laughing my ass off. These dumb, dumb, full grown adults. They do this about 4 more times and Nick says that he loves that they can “face obstacles” together and finally they’re legally allowed to go in the hot tub. Then they just start this conversation basically about how Nick doesn’t love Vanessa’s family—he just flat out says “Oh, you’re family is suuuuuuper traditional and I am not at all”. What a helpful and friendly way to broach a conversation, Mr. Viall! He sorta explains himself and says that his first relationship ever was with a woman who was super close to her family and the family ended up being involved in just about everything they did and that became a major issue for them. Valid point. Vanessa says that they are traditional in that they have Sunday lunches every week and they have traditions that have been passed down through the generations—something Nick just isn’t familiar with. There are some things and some core values that Vanessa just is not willing to compromise on—one of them being those Sunday lunches. Every Sunday, when they live in Montreal, they’ll need to go to these 3 hour lunches with her family. I mean. Nick, rightfully, says that he thinks the two of them might be too similar—they’re both super stubborn and he thinks that in the future, that will probably cause some conflict in their relationship. Couldn’t agree more. We get out of the hot tub and head into the night, but not without Vanessa first saying that she believes that every relationship requires compromise. GURL, WUT, YOU LITERALLY JUST SAID YOU WON’T COMPROMISE. They head into this cute little teepee and even Vanessa says that all of their conversations are always really heavy. I think that’s it. I like Vanessa, I really do, but I don’t think we’ve seen her have fun since she puked. Is it weird that the most fun we’ve seen her have is when she’s VOMITTING? Nick backpedals his earlier statements a little and says that he didn’t mean to say that he doesn’t like Vanessa’s traditional family, it’s just new to him. He also just never imagined living in Canada and it’s not easy for him to picture it now. Brutally honest, you gotta give it up to him. They end up talking about their similarities again and Nick is worried about them, but Vanessa says that that’s exactly what she’s been looking for. They briefly touch on getting engaged and how, for Vanessa, being engaged is basically the same as being married, and she only wants to do that once. She knows it takes more than love to make a relationship work, too, but she does love him. I really do think he loves her, too, but I do not think they’re ready to get engaged. Prediction, but if Nick picks Raven, they’re def getting engaged, if he picks Vanessa, I have a feeling they’d wait. But who knows, really? Vanessa accepts the fantasy suite and they go into a third, less cool bedroom, and presumably get it on. Waking up, Vanessa has even more of an appreciation for who Nick is. Again, they part and look V cozy compared to him and Raven and she mentions again that they still don’t know where they’re going to live. I NEED Y’ALL TO FIGURE IT OUT BEFORE YOU COMMIT YOUR LIFE TO ONE ANOTHER.

It’s time for what feels like only the second rose ceremony of the entire season. Rachel can visualize a future with Nick and would be devastated to leave now. Raven can see herself engaged to Nick, but she’s worried that might just be a fantasy. And Vanessa? She thinks this is the best relationship she’s ever been in. That makes me sad. They go into this liiiiiitle, little cabin and Nick walks in—his fears have been overtaken by the love (!!!) he feels and saying goodbye to one woman tonight is going to be incredibly difficult. Congratulations to Raven and Vanessa. And BAI to Rachel! Guys. Rachel is going to be the best Bachelorette. And if she didn’t go this week, truly no one in America would have watched the finale. Nick walks Rachel out and tells her that she’s one of the most incredible woman he’s ever met and he hopes this isn’t goodbye forever. UGH. I mean, he clearly loved her the most of these three. Stupid Nick. She gets in the car and immediately puts on her seatbelt (SAFETY FIRST, YAHS, RACHEL) and says that it’s so hard to hear someone say how incredible you are and how much love they have for you and still not choose you. It’s the story of her life. I’M BROKEN.

Next week on the SEASON FINALE OF THE BACHELOR: who will Nick choose? Will he choose no one? WE’RE ONE WEEK CLOSER TO RACHEL AS THE BACHELORETTE YAHHHSSS!

The Bachelor, Season 21: Week 9, Pt. 1

Only one hour to recap this week! It’s like a proper vacation! Previously on The Bachelor: it was a weird week of hometowns, Corinne loves Nick, and Andi Dorfman shows up maybe while on book tour. Let’s jump into the shortest Bachelor episode in over 8 years!

So, Nick and seemingly Raven, Corinne, and Rachel are staying in Brooklyn. When we left off, it seemed like maybe Vanessa was heading up to talk to Nick, but nope, it was Andi Dorfman at the door. I just had this conversation with someone, but Andi was one of my favorite Bachelorettes ever. Like she and I would be great friends. Nick is surprised to see Andi, but invites her in and they share perhaps the most awkward hug since almost every hug I’ve ever had in my own life. (Editor’s Note: My love language is certainly not touch. Where my Words of Affirmation / Quality Time hybrid ladies at???) Andi asks for whiskey, again: girl after my own heart. Luckily, she’s not there to confront Nick about anything, though she kind of has the right to do so if she wants, she genuinely just wants to know how it’s going. It’s one of the least awkward ex meetings I’ve ever seen on broadcast television. She asks him about the remaining women, he says they’re all amazing and smart, but admits that it’s been a super tough experience and he has more appreciation for what Andi went through on her season. She, rightfully, says that, yeah, breaking up with 29 people is not exactly the easiest thing in the world. Then Nick launches into telling her that basically he’s not going to get engaged just because he’s the Bachelor, he might even break up with 30 women. WHAT’S THAT, NICK? Well, as my Bachelor friends know, I do not think Mr. Nick Viall is engaged as of today, or at least engaged anymore so I’m not exactly shocked to hear this, but it’s both surprisingly honest and annoying for Bachelor Nation. Shit like this is kind of why I personally love Nick and why I understand how a majority of America probably hates him. The most interesting part of this conversation was Andi offering advice on the upcoming Fantasy Suites. For one, she literally asks, “You haven’t been alone with them yet, have you?”. HOLY SHIT. THAT’S RIGHT. Dude. That’s insane. But it’s true, Fantasy Suites are genuinely the only time that these couples are ever completely alone. She basically says, look, if you want to have sex with these women and you and this woman have made the decision to do that, you’re both adults, go for it. She even calls it her “feminist rant”. I love her so. It’s for real a genuine conversation between two people I think I would probably get along with in real life and who don’t seem to be pretending to be something they’re not on television. Are they both slightly fame-whorish? Yes, 100%. But are they doing it relatively honestly? Def. Nick then goes on to give a really sincere—at least it seemed that way—apology for what he said about sleeping with Andi on her After the Final Rose. She thanks him for that and says that he shouldn’t let the hurt she put him through hold him back from anything. Then she says a really, actually, perfect thing to say:

“Good luck. Be kind. Have fun. And most importantly: fall in love.”

-Andi Dorfman, 2017

WELL OKAY, THANK YOU ANDI DORFMAN FOR GIVING ME A NEW LIFE MANTRA. Without derailing this recap completely, I agree with literally everything she said. Fall in love with lots of people and things and ideas and dreams and if you’re lucky some of them will stick. GOD BLESS YOU, ANDI DORMAN. Andi leaves and Nick says that he has a newfound confidence about this process after talking with Andi. Then, IT’S TIME FOR A ROSE CEREMONY. O M G. I HAVEN’T SAID THAT IN WEEKS! Well, we head to commercial for a hot second, but not before we get a preview of Raven’s fantasy suite date, so, SPOILERZ MUCH, EDITORS????????? We’re back at the rose ceremony and a big congrats to: Raven (yeah we knew that already), Rachel (I’m ecstatic/sad she’s making it this far now that we know her fate), and Vanessa. And BAI to Corinne! Wow. I have been on such a journey with Corinne this season. She lasted just so much longer than I ever, ever could have expected. She instantly bursts into tears and Nick walks her out and is decidedly not emotional about seeing her go. He’s just like “You were fun! Bai!”. I mean, just compare it to his goodbye with Kristina. Nick, like I, grew to have a certain love for Corinne, but certainly never fell in love with her. Then Corinne goes on a feminist rant of her own. She is no longer going to worry about saying things that men find appropriate and she is absolutely done trying to kiss up to any man in her life. Then she takes a nap in the damn limo. HOW DID CORINNE BECOME AN ICON IN UNDER 30 SECONDS? I’m sure I’ll see you on Bachelor in Paradise, Corinne, and to my surprise, and perhaps America’s, I’m not upset about it.

Nick and the remaining women head out to Finland where Nick hopes he can get some clarity. FINLAND. IS. STUNNING. Why is not every show in the history of the world shot in Finland, tho??? Nick recaps his relationships with the remaining girls: with Vanessa, they have amazing chemistry, but there are a lot of unanswered questions, with Rachel, he loves being with her, but she’s the only one who hasn’t given him any words of affirmation or anything alluding to love, and with Raven, well, I honestly can’t remember what he said about his relationship with Raven, but she gets the first date, so let’s find out. Raven pulls up and they go on what seems to be the fanciest helicopter in all the land. They end up at this Finnish pub and drink and play darts. Who knew that Finnish darts had a completely different board? At this point, Nick says that his relationship with Raven is like a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book, which is not a great reference for her, because she’s exactly my age and those books weren’t big when we were kids. When he was a kid 11 years before us, definitely an appropriate reference, but right over my and Raven’s head. He also says some weird stuff about Raven, like she’s “edgy-crazy” and sort of like salty and sweet. Mmmk. They sit down to talk in the back of the pub and, I must say, they’re cute together, but they definitely still seem to be in the smitten, getting to know you, stage, not exactly the in-love stage. One of Raven’s dealbreakers is a man that isn’t close with his mom, then they just sort of instantly move on to a conversation about how Nick will never date a woman that reminds him of his mom? Umm. They also talk about their difference in clothing upkeep—Nick is firmly in favor of ironing while Raven prefers a steamer. I mean, I just, we spent so much time on this date and kind of for nothing. Raven says in her confessional many, many things. For one, she’s really nervous to tell Nick that she loves him, but also that she’s only ever slept with one person and she’s never had an orgasm. Bravo, Raven, you talk about the taboo stuff no one wants to talk about. I respect Raven a hell of a lot and love her Zero Fucks attitude about almost everything in life. She and Nick head to this adorable little cabin in the middle of nowhere and Raven starts her speech: she’s never told anyone in her life that she loved them. Even with her last boyfriend whom she dated for over two years, she never felt safe enough to tell him, but if someone is worth it, she would be able to tell him. She starts to cry and tells this story about how her dad used to pray that she would find an easy love and that everything about Nick has made it easier to fall in love with him. She is in love with him and the worst thing in the world she could do would be not to tell him. DUDE. I cried. This was so insanely beautiful. Nick says it’s one of the most meaningful moments of his life and that he loves that she thought about not only what she was saying to him, but how she wanted to tell him. It was genuinely an amazing thing to watch. I mean, for a guy who can’t say it back, he really does not look at all worried or concerned about this, so Raven, as probably I would too, reads it as him loving her back. It was pretty cool to watch. He offers her the fantasy suite card and she accepts, but says that she has two things to remind him of: she’s only ever been with one person and she’s never had an orgasm. YAHS, RAVEN. She is truly a bold, unabashed woman. Maybe it’s the “edgy-craziness” I’m picking up on.

NEXT WEEK ON THE 3 HOUR BACHELOR EVENT: Raven’s date may not come to a “satisfying” end, Rachel is scared to tell Nick how she feels, and Nick tells Vanessa that he’s not traditional at all. Also, Nick can’t stop crying at the rose ceremony. THEN. WOMEN TELL ALL! The greatest television event of the year: will Taylor and Corinne physically fight? Will Liz be slightly less crazy? And, finally, will Jasmine actually choke someone? SEE YOU THEN!