The Bachelor, Season 21: Week 8

What a weird bunch of hometown dates. I may have officially given up on thinking that Nick Viall is ever going to find real or everlasting love on this show now that we know Rachel is going to be our next Bachelorette (!!!). Last week, we saw Kristina go bye-bye, Corinne never knowing what’s going on, and Nick being just so unpredictable. Will there be a rose ceremony this week finally????

No. We’re back in the Whitney-of-Islands, Bimini, and thank god we’ve found Vanessa. Spoiler alert, she kinda goes missing again in this episode. WHAT is this girl doing all the time while cameras are rolling??? The four remaining women are hanging around perfectly in frame and talking about how they’re not sure if Nick is going to do something crazy and not have the traditional four hometown dates this year. THE HORROR. Just then, a bellowing knock on their Bimini door. It’s Nick Viall! Such a shock and surprise. Nick sits down and tells the women that he just couldn’t make Kristina sit through a rose ceremony hearing all these other names being called then sending her home. Classy move, I gotta give it to him, but it does make LITERALLY EVERY OTHER BACHELOR IN HISTORY look kinda like a dick. It’s true, though, that is kind of a disrespectful thing to do especially for the light of our life Kristina. So, Nick walks in with 4 roses in his hands, though, I can’t be the only one to think that those definitely 100% were not real roses. Also, instantly, I’m just like, but you already gave a rose to Raven tho. The producers picked up what I was puttin’ down though, and Nick was like “well, it’s been a few days so I have to offer the rose and be invited to these homes”. Look, I’m a Nick Viall fan, so I’m not the person that this episode was trying to appeal to, but like, damn, are they making him look scripted in this episode. He’s not Ben Higgins, nor should we pretend he is so let’s get to the passion, folks. So, an official congrats to Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, and Rachel for taking Mr. Nick Viall to meet your families, and also congrats to the four of you for slightly screwing up my fantasy league results.

We first head to the great Hoxie, AK to meet up with Raven. I believe it was in my first recap for this season, but I put out a plea for us to #PrayForHoxie. After seeing this day, my hashtag still stands. Raven rides up like a badass on an ATV to pick up Nick—she’s got a helmet for him, but she’s driving of course. She says that the things people do to have fun in Hoxie are muddin’ (wut), froggigging (surprisingly do know what this is because my best friend is from Kentucky), and climbing “grain bins”. I mean. They pull up to one of the main attractions in Hoxie, which just happens to be some of these “grain bins” Raven just mentioned. She tells Nick that whenever you needed to have a meaningful conversation, you would go to the grain bins. WUT. I mostly just sit on my couch and cry when I need to have a meaningful conversation, just ask my Kentucky best friend, we’ve cried on my couch more times than I could count. Some girls have furniture, others have grain bins. Alrighty. They climb up to the top of these grain bins (seriously cannot stop saying grain bins to try to normalize it) and instantly a police car pulls up with its lights flashing asking Raven and Nick to climb back down. Also, there is what seems to be a convict escaping the vehicle. The “police officer” does not seem to notice that someone gets out of the back seat of the police car and simply runs out of frame. It is never explained. The “police officer” asks Nick for his ID, but, of course, Nick doesn’t have it on him. The, suddenly, we find out, THE “POLICE OFFICER” IS RAVEN’S BROTHER. CUTE! Well, not really. Is he a real police officer? Because his “uniform” was blowing in the wind like a cheap Party City rental. Genuinely, I’m not sure if this guy is a police officer and who the guy is who fled his car. Also, Hoxie is EXTREMELY windy. I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS AND THEY WILL NEVER BE ANSWERED. So, guess we’re done with that because Raven and Nick head out, though this time Nick gets his own ATV because I suppose he found his ID. They drive through a literal SWAMP, perhaps one of the mainstays of Hoxie (#PrayForHoxie) and then decide to remove Nick’s shirt and roll around in said swamp and kiss a bit. It is DUMB. I like Raven, and this franchise as a whole, as all of you know, but I’m sorry, this was the single most boring hometowns episode ever. Like Nick sorta kinda likes all of these women, but clearly not all that much and I’M OVER IT. Anyway, the producers allow them to shower thank gawd. They head into Raven’s home to meet her mom and dad and her maybe-could-be-police-officer brother and sit down—we find out that Raven’s dad just got news that her father is now cancer free and I instantly start crying for the next like 10 minutes straight, it’s such great news. I feel like Nick reacts relatively normally and well, but that is kind of an awkward position to be put in, to meet your girlfriend’s dad for the first time and have to make a good impression by reacting appropriately to a cancer update. Raven and her dad talk and they’re both thankful that one day, he’s excited that he’ll be able to walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding. She goes to talk to her mom and her mom basically just wants to know if she’ll be able to tell Nick how she feels or if she’ll be too scared to tell him that she loves him. Fair point, but I feel like this whole episode, we’re forgetting that Raven already essentially told Nick she loves him like 2 full weeks ago. While Raven is chatting with her mom, Nick and her dad talk and Nick starts by saying, “First of all, congratulations on being cancer free and also can I plz have your blessing tysm”. TBH, I think I actually probably used more words and took up more time than Nick before jumping into that conversation. I do have to give it to Nick this episode, though, he’s not pulling a Ben Higgins and accidentally not asking for the fathers’ blessings before he’s going to propose. Raven’s dad says that he did not expect to like Nick (same with most of America, likely), but he does and sure, he can have his blessing. What I do love about Raven’s parents, though, is that both of them are pretty much like, “We trust your judgement”. Her dad especially seems on board with the whole thing and even says that there’s a good possibility that Nick is the one that he’s going to be handing Raven off to. They say goodbye to her family and the two of them go outside to talk, but Raven can’t work up the courage to tell Nick that she loves him. Poor girl. And poor Hoxie.

Next we head down to Dallas, TX to meet up with Rachel. They meet up in a park and Nick is simply dressed to the nines. I love Rachel so so much, but I also love that Nick feels like he can be a true adult around her, like he’s trying to be a straight up MAN around her. Rachel tells Nick that they’re heading to a place that’s super important to her and he’s dressed perfectly for the occasion. They end up at her church and it seems like a typical Mega-Church. Their musicians are bomb and Rachel says that she wanted to take Nick here in order to see if he would fit in in her mostly black church or if he would feel uncomfortable. Unsurprisingly, at least to me, Nick seems totally comfortable and is just taking everything in, even though it’s a totally new experience for him. Nick even says that he would love if this is just a regular thing that they get to do as a couple. We spend a lot of time with Nick and Rachel and with Rachel’s family talking about what their struggles are going to be like outside of the show if they end up together because, although it doesn’t bother them, there are still way too many people in the world who would not be entirely comfortable with this interracial relationship. I do love that Nick brings it up and just says that he’s not colorblind, he knows she’s black, and that’s kind of it. No “but”, not “still”, just these are the facts and it might be weird for your family because you’ve never brought home a white guy and it’s different for me because I’ve never seriously dated a black girl, but that’s just where we’re at right now. I also am a straight white woman so I truly have no authority on this, but I am loving their approach. They walk into Rachel’s home, her dad can’t be there sadly due to work obligations, but instantly I’m OBSESSED with her family. As Rachel says, “You don’t need to have black skin, but you gotta have thick skin.” They’re funny as hell. Rachel’s little sister, who is truly the same person as Rachel, asks Nick if he even knows what all the food on his plate is. LOL. My favorite ever was Rachel’s older sister and her husband, who is also white and their entire conversation is GOLD:

Nick: “You have made us feel so comfortable.”

Rachel’s Sister: “Why because we look like you?”

Rachel’s Brother-in-Law: “Ah, two young lovebirds coming for the hometown visit. I can’t help but notice that you are white.”

I was CACKLING with laughter. Rachel’s older sister wants Nick to be aware of Rachel’s race, which is a valid point, it’s definitely something they’ll have to tackle, because, as I said before, many in this world are still learning how to be compassionate and kind human beings. Nick says that he thinks if people do judge their relationship, it will only bring him and Rachel closer. While Nick and Rachel’s sister are chatting, Rachel and her mom talk—Rachel says that if she had a checklist for what she wants in man, she would sure be checking off a lot of those boxes with Nick. She even tells her mom that it was Nick who broached the topic of it being an interracial relationship first, so she takes that as a sign that he’s not embarrassed by anything and is willing to have those hard conversations. Rachel’s mom is cautious, but does say that Nick’s drive and confidence does remind her of Rachel’s dad. YAHS. She’s falling in love with him. It makes me so sad that this was such an amazing hometown and I love them so much, but now we know it’s going to end either this week or next.

On to Corinne. I must say, Corinne has grown on me, certainly. As you all know, I completely and totally hated her at the beginning of this season: she almost made me give up on the franchise. Has Corinne changed? No. But have I changed? Maybe! We head down to Miami to do something Corinne says is a typical day for her. They’re at one of the most exclusive malls in Miami. What does that even mean? Is she involved in some sort of mall membership? Also begs the question: is there an even more exclusive mall? She and Nick walk around all the stores, and as Nick says, the employees react like it’s christmas morning every time Corinne walks in: COMMISSION, BABBYYYYYYY! They end up just shopping for Nick and he tries on a sweatsuit that is $1400, you know TYPICAL TIMES. They end up buying Nick essentially the same outfit he walked into the store with, just fancier. Corinne puts down her AmEx and charges all $3400 to daddy. Nick is anxious and so am I. They sit down at a small cafe presumably still in one of the most exclusive malls in Miami and Corinne says she loves Nick. AW! Not really, she seems to have the maturity and emotional intelligence (lol) of someone half her age, but good for her! They go on over to Corinne’s house, or condo I should say, (BAD INVESTMENT OLYMPIOS FAMILY, YOU ESSENTIALLY OWN NOTHING) to meet her parents, her sister, and the infamous Raquel. They’re all fine. Corinne’s dad is kind of the only one of note here and is what I expect is a crossbreed between Danny DeVito and Janice from Friends. Cute! They force feed Nick an olive just to make sure he likes Greek food—“I don’t eat olives, but this is the best olive I’ve ever had!” NICE TRY, VIALL. Corinne and her dad go into what we I suppose can believe is her bedroom to chat about all the financial stuff. Will Corinne be okay being the breadwinner in the relationship? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Nick sits down with her dad and tells him what she said: she’s more than happy to be making enough money for the both of them. HOW BIG OF HER. How did we genuinely spend like 3 full minutes of network television in 2017 determining if everyone was fine with a woman making more money than a man???????? But of course Nick asks for her dad’s blessing, he says “sure”, and also that Corinne might be the lid to Nick’s pot. Blech.

Finally we head to rainy and lovely Montreal, Quebec, Canada! Do we think Vanessa was missing for so long last week because she had to leave early because Montreal is really far away? Me either. Vanessa and Nick meet up in the rain and start to share an umbrella and it’s really cute, then they walk away and SUDDENLY HER UMBRELLA IS MISSING. I’m more and more convinced the ghost of Mae possessed Vanessa in New Orleans and this creepy 8 year old is controlling this woman’s movement. Vanessa takes Nick to meet her class: she’s a special education teacher for adults over 21. I don’t want to get bogged down with sincerity, but people that do what Vanessa does have been an absolute gift for my family and the families of friends. Corinne may not think that Vanessa has any depth, but it’s amazing what she does every day. Her students are the best, they so clearly love her so much and she sits them down to introduce them to Nick and they just instantly love him. That’s the other thing: these kids would not have any hesitation if they hated Nick Viall. THEY’RE NICK FANS, TOO, WELCOME TO THE CLUB, MY FRIENDS! Her students help make this scrapbook of Vanessa and Nick’s love story and then we sort of just never see the finished product? Her students give Nick their stamp of approval and they’re on their way. They’re on their way to two houses, by the way, Vanessa’s parents are divorced, but do not speak to one another, so Nick will have to meet them separately. First, they go to Vanessa’s grandparents’ house to meet roughly one thousand people. My favorite part of this date is that Vanessa brings her best friends to the hometown. WHY IS THIS NOT ALWAYS HAPPENING. Y’all kNOW if I was ever on my own hometown I would bring all 14 of my best friends. THEY HAVE TO KNOW HIM. Anyway, Vanessa’s whole family is generally skeptical and mad at Nick and Vanessa for not talking about real stuff. Fair point. Her mom even is like “What do you like about Vanessa?” and Nick starts with that she’s beautiful and no one is having it. They don’t care that you think she’s hot, Nick. We’re led to believe that Vanessa’s last breakup was super bad, so bad in fact that apparently all of her siblings and her parents are terrified something like that is going to happen again. I would like some more info on that PLZZZ. They finish up on a weird note with Vanessa’s mom and siblings and everyone else in Montreal and head over to Vanessa’s dad’s house. I suppose we are to assume that the woman with him is Vanessa’s stepmom, but we never really cover it. OH ALSO. WHAT is up with the inconsistency in accents in this family. Her dad has a very thick accent I can’t place, her brother sounds a bit like her dad, her sister has a semi-Jersey accent, and her mom a relatively neutral American accent. I’M SO CONFUSED. Vanessa’s dad can apparently be awkward and boy oh boy do we find that out right away upon them entering the home. Nick pretty instantly asks her dad for his blessing and his dad is NOT interested. He, rightfully, asks if he’s already asked 3 other fathers this—he sure has! I guess Nick sort of convinced him to give it because eventually he literally says, “K sounds good”, but yiiiikkkkesss was that uncomfortable. To top it off, Vanessa hears from her dad that Nick has asked other fathers and she’s crushed. I mean, you knew what you were getting into with this, right Vanessa???? I do have to give it to them, though, as they were leaving sort of silently, clearly Nick saw something was up and grabbed her and said, “Stay outta your head, okay?” UGH, HE KNOWS HER.

We end up in New York, New York, Nick Viall’s favorite city and also mine! All of the girls converge to this cool looking hotel: Raven is scared she hasn’t told Nick she loves him, Rachel and Corinne have to share the same balcony to gaze off of, and VANESSA IS MISSING AGAIN. WHY ARE WE NOT KEEPING TRACK OF THIS GIRL? Thank god, she’s back, and looking fierce and seemingly about to head up to talk to Nick—she has no luggage! Ahhhhh! Feet are walking, then KNOCK, KNOCK. Nick turns, answers the door, and OH CRAP. IT’S ANDI DORFMAN.

Next week on The Bachelor: Andi wants Nick to be honest, Nick is going to cry a lot, and he might even be the first Bachelor in history to get rejected! Until then, KEEP AN EYE ON VANESSA!

The Bachelor, Season 21: Week 7

Wow. I hate to agree with the producers of The Bachelor, but I gotta say, this kinda, sort is the most dramatic season ever! Take last week for example: Jasmine literally went crazy, Whitney somehow made it to week six, and Nick FREAKED THE EFF OUT. So let’s get into this week to find out if Nick is going to throw in the towel or if he’ll continue on in his journey to find love. Also, I’m setting up a search party to find Vanessa. LET’S DO IT!

We open on pure silence when Rachel, Raven, and Kristina are all talking about Nick’s breakdown the night before. They’re also all ignoring these delicious looking cinnamon rolls sitting right in front of their faces. Corinne wouldn’t let this happen. All of the girls seem to know exactly why Nick was so upset last night. I have a feeling they might not. While the girls are decompressing from their night of concern, Nick meets up with Chris Harrison on an overturned boat on the beach. Kinda morbid. Nick says that there are a million ways that this won’t work out for him and Chris straight up asks him if he’s ready to quit and walk away from it all. Now, they do a great job at framing this so it looks like he might walk away, but also ABC has very clearly blocked out the remaining hour and 50 minutes for this show, so I’m not all that concerned. Nick and Chris part and Nick heads out on a stroll along the beach. HEY NICK, MAYBE IF YOU TAKE OFF YOUR LIVESTRONG BRACELET LIFE WILL GET BETTER FOR YOU. He strolls all the way to the women’s hotel room and walks right back in, a near mirror of the scene from last night. He gathers all the women from their DIRTY ASS HOTEL ROOM (seriously, women, clean your space) and tells them that he only sent Danielle L. home because of the relationships that he has with the women that are still here. PHEW, he wants to continue! No one ever would have guessed! They’re all hopeful! It’s wonderful! Also, Nick Viall, either because it’s his fourth time on this show or because he’s blackmailed the producers, has cancelled two hallmarks of the franchise yet again—NO COCKTAIL PARTY OR ROSE CEREMONY TONIGHT. I’m getting real sick of not seeing rose ceremonies, ABC, REAL SICK OF IT. Instead of all that, they’re heading to Bimini! Where? Bimini is the island equivalent of Whitney. Who? Where? It should also be noted that Bimini is an island with exactly 2 dates worth of activities. There’s 4 dates this week, though, right? YOU’RE RIGHT.

So they land in Bimini and it, of course, does look beautiful. They have their own little house that I’m pretty sure they all think is haunted because all of the women jump constantly any time someone walks in a room or knocks on the door. The first date card shows up: “Vanessa, Let’s go deeper…-Nick”. Everyone is PISSED. Gotta give it to Corinne, though, “You lucky bitch”. This is about the time that Corinne begins her spiral out of control. She’s super frustrated and also really bloated. Vanessa heads out on her date and meets Nick at a pier to go on her first boat ride ever! Am I privileged or did anyone else find that weird and kind of unbelievable? The two of them have what seems to be a very long conversation about what went down last week. Nick says that he felt like he was forcing a relationship with Danielle L. so he sent her home. Vanessa believes that you’re only as happy as the last happy person in the relationship, so last week, seeing him so emotional really got to her. I mean, I agree with the sentiment, but I feel like Vanessa felt like that was a really profound thing to say and it just wasn’t. Meanwhile, at their home in Bimini, Corinne says that Vanessa has no depth to her. Mmmk. But Nick and Vanessa talk some more about last week (MOVE ON, PEOPLE) and Vanessa says that her fear going into this whole thing was Nick making himself fall for someone because that’s the point of the show. Oof, she hit the nail on the head with that one. How are we not always talking about that being a possibility on this show? They end up snorkeling around this old shipwreck that actually looks really cool. I kind of hate the ocean so this isn’t the date, or apparently season, for me, but it looks like they’re having fun. Was I the only one concerned that Vanessa was on another high motion-sickness-potential date? Good on her for keeping it down.

Back at the house, Corinne says that she wants Nick to meet her nanny/maid/best friend in the world Raquel. Honestly, I’m excited to meet her, too. It would be so satisfying to learn that Raquel is just this stoic, no-nonsense woman who doesn’t put up with shit from Corinne. Another date card is here! “Corinne, Kristina, Raven – Let’s jump in with both feet first…-Nick”. Corinne gets upset that she’s on yet another group date, and honestly I’m kind of upset for her. No, I absolutely do not want to see that one-on-one and I think that the producers know that, but this poor girl. Just throw her a bone!

Vanessa and Nick head to dinner and Vanessa’s body is beyond, the girl knows how to dress her figure. They toast to many more “firsts” for them, which I think is just a lovely toast. She loves how easy it is with Nick—she said that the thing she wanted in her next relationship was for it to be easy. It’s so very clear that Nick is obsessed with her, either that or he’s kinda tipsy, but they are still really cute together. I gotta say, it’s probably just because Corinne mentioned it and we also did not see much of this date, but I am a little concerned that there may not be all that much more to know about Vanessa. Still love her, obviously, but we’ve been focused on Corinne for 7 full weeks now, so I haven’t grown in love for her. Hopefully Nick has. She tells Nick that he’s made her feel really confident so she wants to tell him that she’s falling in love with him. Then Nick goes on to have this super weird response. Like it makes sense in conversation, just not this conversation. He basically says that he wants to take it slow and definitely only wants to say “I love you” to one woman. It takes him awhile to say it, though, and he definitely does not seem to be putting out the vibe that he’s falling in love with Vanessa. Vanessa is confused by the response and so am I. She even says that she assumed that Nick was going to give her a different answer than he might give to everyone else. That kinda breaks my heart because of course she assumes that, I mean every sane woman does when she’s dating someone, but this is not a normal situation. Vanessa also says that she’s afraid to end up the same way Nick did. Ouch.

It’s time for the group date, which is tHE EXACT SAME DATE THAT HE WENT ON YESTERDAY WITH VANESSA. No really. Kristina, Raven, and Corinne meet up with Nick, they chill on a boat and chat for awhile, then find a place to snorkel. This place is slightly different because there are sharks near where they are snorkeling so I guess that’s a fun and scary twist. Before they jump in, Nick proceeds to apply sunscreen to Kristina’s entire body including her inner thighs and Corinne is not about it. When Nick finally announces that they’re going to be swimming with sharks, though, we’re not sure that they actually do because there is nary a shot of the women swimming and sharks in the same frame. Corinne wants to know if the sharks are toothless. Lololol. Raven is just all about it, though, and is seemingly not afraid of anything. She’ll even punch a shark in the face if one gets near her. Honestly, I believe that. They head into the water and swim around a little, then we are lead to believe that they see a shark so Kristina freaks out and goes back on the boat with Nick in tow. Corinne is not happy and says that it’s not fair. Gurl, what’s not fair? It is kind of true, though, this honestly does seem like a one-on-one with Nick and Kristina and Raven and Corinne are just forced to watch while also having the added stress of maybe getting attacked by a shark. They head back from sea to this super cool house to have their cocktail party. Corinne is rocking A LOT of glitter. Brings me back to my Art Stuff by Bath & Body Works days. Kristina and Nick head out to chat first and Nick gets very emotional. He wants to make sure that his relationship with Kristina is ready to take the next steps. He just doesn’t want this not to work for him. They have a cute little cuddle sesh and genuinely do seem to like each other a lot. Raven and Corinne meanwhile are having a very stiff conversation—Corinne says that it is a huge date tonight and she’s just eating cheese. No seriously, she said that. I honestly respect her so much more now. Raven and Nick talk and we find out that Raven calls her dad “daddy”. Blech. Her parents, much like his, have been together for a really long time so they set the standard for her and her brother. We also find out that her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 years ago, but he’s good now. But she dropped out of law school when he was diagnosed to move home. I sincerely cannot see Raven in law school, but okay.

Back at the house, Danielle is VERY startled by a knock at the door. It turns out to be a good knock, though! It’s a date card for her! “Danielle—Let’s ride off into the sunset together…-Nick”. She acts like a 4 year old. It’s half endearing/half not cute.

Time for Corinne and Nick to chat and so clearly Corinne is TRASHED. She is very honest with him, though, and says that she’s nervous because she hasn’t had a 1-on-1 with him yet. She hasn’t gotten the chance to “lock Corinne in with Nick”. LOLOLOLOLOL. Even Nick can’t stop laughing and “didn’t expect her to go third person there.” With Corinne, I have learned, expect the unexpected. Corinne makes him happy, though, apparently. It’s time for the group date rose and it goes to Raven! I’m genuinely a little surprised! They head off to what is not a private concert. It’s this guy Adam Freeman or something like that who for some reason flew out to Bimini for this 20 seconds of promo? Also he has VERY short legs. Corinne is flabbergasted that Raven has a hometown.

Corinne wakes up the next morning crying, just crying. Vanessa, alternatively, is nowhere to be found. Simply gone. Danielle heads off and tHANK GOD it’s another type of date. They’re going to explore all that Bimini has to offer: spoiler alert, it is very few, but cool, things. They ride a bike through the village and then just go around buying stuff they don’t need. Apparently the Fountain of Youth was discovered on Bimini! That’s one thing! Why don’t they go there? Once they’re done buying some souvenirs, they find some Bimini kids to play basketball with! It’s a very low hoop and Nick doesn’t let them win. No longer sure about him as a person, now. They sit down and have an awkward and not at all natural conversation about how if she takes him to her hometown she’d take him to her cabin up north. Let me translate for those not from Wisconsin—anywhere that is not Milwaukee is “Up North” and everyone either owns a cabin or someone in their family owns a cabin.

Back at the Bimini house, it’s time for the final date card! “Rachel—Let’s get a taste of the local flavor…-Nick”. Rachel LOVES the local stuff. If I were on this show, I probz would, too, but COME ON WE’RE CURRENTLY GETTING LOCAL FLAVOR WITH DANIELLE. Rachel is hoping for a good time and to end the week on a good note. Here’s hoping.

Danielle and Nick head to dinner and Danielle says that she had a wonderful day exploring the island and that she really liked being playful. I, for one, am not a fan of that adjective. She really is, and even Nick mentions it, like the sweetest person on earth. She’s also just the quietest person on Earth. PROJECT. USE YOUR DIAPHRAGM. I have several vocal coach friends in your area Danielle, I’ll set you up, gurl. Nick also says that he likes her face. Cute. She’s had relationships since her fiancé passed away, but none that made her want to bring anyone home, so she’s really excited to be bringing Nick home. Then we take a real dark turn in her confessional when she says that the last time she loved someone, they died. I mean, that is a sobering sentiment there, Danielle. She tells Nick that she thinks her family would like him and she also wants him to know that her heart is open to him. She wants to take on everything with him: the good, the bad, everything in between. Also, she’s falling in love with him. Then, just straight up, he’s like “sorry I don’t see a future with you”. His line of the season clearly is “I just don’t think my heart can get there”. At least he’s calling it out right away though. He says that she’s great, but she says “not great enough” apparently. Man. DANIELLE IMMA NEED YOU TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE SELF CONFIDENCE MMK?? She’s heartbroken and upset. She heads back to the Bimini house to pack up her stuff and WHERE IS HER BESTIE VANESSA? The girl is weeping and saying goodbye to everyone and her best friend is just nowhere to be found. Everyone is super shocked that she’s going home. Except Corinne. She didn’t really see them together anyway. Also Corinne would live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick. THAT’S TRUE LOVE, FOLKS.

So, everyone is reeling from Danielle’s departure and Corinne SNAPS into action. She starts to get ready for something and I can’t help but notice that she’s wearing a Kabbalah bracelet. If it was going to be anyone, I knew it would be her. I was about to ask if she was even old enough to remember the Kabbalah phase, but she and I are the same age. So. She heads over to Nick’s hotel room because she wants to get laid. She walks through the halls and is struggling. Seriously, the girl cannot walk in heels. She knocks on the door while Nick is having a nightcap and the two of them like drink some champagne then start making out and go into his bedroom. In her confessional, she coins her famous phrase, “My heart is gold, but my vajeen is platinum.” Get that checked out, Corinne. I hate listening to two people hooking up more than just about anything in the world and The Bachelor has subjected me to 21 seasons of it. We finally hear the whisper to end all whispers—Nick does not think that this is a good idea. He’s learned that it’s best to wait in these situations. Corinne leaves, tail between her uncoordinated legs, and says that she was trying to do something nice and very cute for Nick and it totally backfired. I feel like “nice and cute” are the exact wrong two words to describe what she tried to do. She slowly walks out of the hotel, but in true Corinne fashion, chooses not the door that automatically opens for her, but the manual door that everyone else avoids at all costs.

While Rachel gets ready for her date Corinne is “spinning out of control” because last night didn’t go according to plan. Rachel walks into the living room in the BEST maxi skirt. VANESSA IS STILL MISSING, THOUGH, IS NO ONE CONCERNED????????????????? Rachel heads out with Nick on the same date as Danielle, but this time they actually focus on where Nick and Danielle had drinks yesterday. They go to this little bar kinda place that apparently no tourists go to (not anymore, thanks ABC) and just chat about stuff. Nick is really nervous about asking for her hand in marriage when he knows that her parents will know that he’s asking the same question to 3 other families. Rachel says that she’s never brought a white guy home. They talk about her dad a little, which, if you watch the news, you know her dad is a federal judge so even I’m stressed for Nick about this hometown. I’m not sure what prompts it, but Rachel says, “I love sports, but I don’t play games.” SHE IS THE GOAT. They chat with a Bimini local and this guy tells her to make sure that this guy needs her, not just wants her. YES, RANDOM LOCAL, YOU GO ON WITH YOUR WISDOM. But also part of me is like, no one human should need another human so I’m torn… Anyway, Nick says that their relationship shot out like a cannon and has yet to slow down. They go and make out on a pier for a little while and that’s it! I’m sad that they had such a short date, but like, they are just the best, so if it were to happen to anyone, I’m glad it happened to them. We end even with enough time that it looks like we might even end this episode with a rose ceremony? COULD IT REALLY BE??

NOPE. IT CAN’T BE. Chris Harrison and Nick, who have a v natural chemistry, by the way, talk about what Nick wants to do because there’s only five women left—does he want to have a rose ceremony tonight? Nick says that he has a certain love for the woman that he knows he needs to send home, so he feels like he has to do it in person. Alright, alright, of all the reasons not to have a rose ceremony, this seems like a good one. He rushes into the Bimini house and OH, OH, WE FOUND VANESSA, THANK GOD. He immediately asks where Kristina is and takes her outside to talk. He says that he loves her, but just isn’t in love with her and it would take something extraordinary for him to get there. Honestly, this is one of the better breakups I’ve seen on this show, like I genuinely feel like I understand how both of them are feeling. Kristina straight up asks him if he’s starting to feel that with other people—he just says that his other relationships are further along. She doesn’t think that he gave her a fair chance, but she is happy to know that he’s going to find love. Nick seriously feels like he can’t be the person that he knows Kristina deserves. As the world knows, Kristina deserves THE WORLD, so I do respect him for not stringing her along. She is genuinely the greatest woman ever, I cannot wait to see what she does in this world. They say goodbye and Nick heads off and we fINALLY GET THE CRYING SHOT ON THE BALCONY. He wasn’t ready to let Kristina go, but he knew he had to. Damn.

NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELOR: There might not be 4 hometowns! Andi Dorfman (they don’t say that officially, but girl has v recognizable legs) is going to confront Nick! And they end up in a cold place!

The Bachelor, Season 21: Week 6

This was, without a doubt, the single weirdest episode of The Bachelor that has ever been broadcast. I have just as much anxiety about this coming week as Nick Viall himself. As we saw last week, Corinne and Taylor faced off, or rather, their conflict “exploded” according to Chris Harrison, in what, again, Chris Harrison is calling the “most epic 2 on 1 in Bachelor history”. HA. NOT EVEN A LITTLE. But let’s pick up right where we left off, kids, with Taylor traipsing through the streets of New Orleans.

We find Taylor still walking. Seriously. It must have been a real time representation of the time it took her to walk from the swamp to Nick and Corinne’s dinner—a full, calendar week. The girls back at the hotel, though, finally found out that Taylor is the one going home and Josephine is giddy at the thought of her pal, Corinne, coming back. I genuinely do not like Josephine. Taylor says, in her confessional, that she thinks the only reason that she’s going home is that Corinne lied straight to Nick’s face. Oh, the delusion. She walks straight up to Nick and Corinne and says, “Corinne, you lied today.” OHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIITTTTTT. Taylor. Get. Yourself. Together. Who. Cares. About. This. Seriously, I was over Taylor last week, but I could not get over her sheer childishness for the next 4 minutes we’ll have to deal with her. Taylor says to Nick that he was “straight up lied to” today and she just wanted to come tell him that. Seems helpful. She basically says that Corinne made her out to be this “bully” and that she’s here to prove that she’s not a bully by coming back and yelling at this girl that she lied then taking the guy she’s dating away to chat. Mmk. Also, she wants Nick to “open his eyeballs”. Gross, Taylor. Nick is all like, “K cool, still bai” and sends Taylor on her merry way. He heads back to Corinne who says she “understands”. Honestly, it was all very anti-climactic. But we did get a very interesting, very “Corinne” line out of this date:

“What I learned tonight is that cats have 9 lives and bitches have 2.”

-Corinne Olympios, 2017

Wait, so does that mean that Corinne thinks Taylor is going to come back this season?? Or that her coming tonight was her second life??? It’s just such a complicated quote. I could spend a full semester dissecting this quote. Are there any universities out there looking for a person without any credentials to teach a class on The Bachelor franchise? I’M YOUR GIRL. Anyway, it’s time for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony and all of the girls will NOT stop freaking out about the beauty of the building they’re going to be in for the night. We slowly follow someone’s legs up the stairs and BOY OH BOY it’s Chris Harrison to deliver the news that Nick has CANCELLED the cocktail party tonight! Oh no! How will Jasmine handle it? HINT: not well. Legitimately, truly, I’m concerned about Jasmine and her anxiety throughout this whole episode. This small clip at this point in the episode was the ultimate foreshadowing for what was to come. Anyway, congratulations to: Kristina, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L., Jasmine, and WHITNEY? WHO??????????? And that means a big ole bai to Josephine, thank god, Jaimi, she’s a star, I’ll miss her, and MY GIRL ALEXIS. NOOOOOOOO I’M SO SAD. Even Nick when he’s saying goodbye to her is like “You know you’re incredible”. UGH, YES, AMERICA KNOWS NOW I’M SO GLAD TO HAVE KNOWN ALEXIS. Truly canNOT wait to see her on my screen come August on Bachelor in Paradise. Nick tells the ladies that they’re heading to St. Thomas this week! WOOOT, finally a beach!

Nick says that he loves the island living and the atmosphere on St. Thomas. LOLOLOLOLOL. He also wants this to be the week that he starts falling in love. Speaking of which, the 9 women he’s hoping to fall in love with are walking on the beach, 7 of 9 of those women in a uniform of demin shorts and white tops. Raven, one of the 7, says, “St. Thomas is the perfect place to fall in love. And it’s the perfect place to send people home.” SAVAGE. The girls head up to their hotel for the week and as Nick flies in on a very unsteady flight, they get the seminal shot of girls yelling out the Bachelor’s name from a balcony. Iconic. Nick and the girls meet up and he announces that the first date this week goes to Kristina! Yay! I like Kristina, but I don’t know why yet! Jasmine FREAKS THE EFF OUT at this news though. Seriously, ARE YOU OKAY, JASMINE?????????

Kristina and Nick head to these ruins I guess, but SURPRISE THE DAY PORTION OF THE DATE IS APPROXIMATELY 30 SECONDS OF FOOTAGE. We basically find out that Kristina was adopted, but has a biological sister still in Russia and then they go swimming and we’re done with that. ON TO DINNER.

Before we get there, we head back to the house and Vanessa knows genuinely interesting facts about the island of St. Thomas then all of a sudden there’s a random housekeeper here? Like specifically to get shots of Corinne taking advantage of this woman I think? Then we’re just done with that? Seriously WHO edited this episode, nothing is explained, large parts of important information are ignored.

Back to Nick and Kristina—Nick says that this is the night that he and Kristina might fall in love. He asks her to talk a little bit more about her family since he felt like she was holding back a little earlier. Then, no bits, Kristina tells an intensely heartbreaking story. I have no jokes about it. She left her home around 5 or 6, was in an orphanage for 7 or 8 years, then was adopted to an American family when she was 12. I genuinely cried like a lot. I mean, I would cry at anything, so I’m not a good barometer, but this girl has just an insane amount of strength. Nick even says that he admires Kristina. SAME. He gives her the rose and says that she brings color to his life and I want to cry all over again. I do not think that they will end up together, but damn, this girl is a STAR and deserves the world and I can’t wait to see her live it through social media.

The girls get another date card, but it’s in a weird format? Like the date card is actually two date cards? Man, it’s like I’m not even watching The Bachelor this week. Anyway, “Love’s a beach, Nick”. And that lovely note was sent to Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., and Jasmine. What an interesting group. But this means that there’s going t be another 2-on-1 date. Truly why??? These girls, Whitney and Danielle L. to be precise, don’t hate each other, also I don’t actually hate either one of them, so why are we doing another 2-on-1 for the second week in a row?? WHAT IS HAPPENING, ABC???????

Nick meets up with the girls on a pier and says that now there’s a very different vibe amongst the woman compared to the last few weeks. They head out on a catamaran, then, instantly, we’re over that, and we head to play volleyball and I guess have fun for the rest of the day. We didn’t see it, but the women, well namely Corinne, got super blasted. So they’re all just pretty bad at volleyball and are all taking this fake competition really seriously. Heheheh. I don’t know if it’s just because I lost interest or if they just really gave up on showing any interesting footage in this episode, but many of the women end up perfectly spread apart on the beach each crying to themselves. It’s real weird. It’s time for their cocktail party and Vanessa is SHOWING UP in her dress, which has the highest slit I’ve ever seen, but I gotta say, I’m here for it. Nick and Rachel chat first and she tells him that she did NOT like how today went. She doesn’t want to be in a competition and honestly doesn’t really understand the point of being here—she didn’t even really want to come to the cocktail party tonight. Understandably, Nick gets super anxious about that, I mean I’m super anxious about it because I love the girl. She says, and it’s true, that she obviously is here for him because she would not put up with all this crap otherwise. He thanks her for her brutal honesty and asks her to keep telling him when she’s having those moments of doubt. Most of the conversations for the rest of the night are all about how stressed these women are and it’s all generally not interesting to me. However, while these boring conversations are happening, Jasmine is melting down. Like genuinely will not stop talking about how she feels like Nick has been overlooking her and won’t stop taking her on group dates. YEAH, THAT’S KINDA THE POINT OF THE SHOW, JASMINE. Also, just gotta give a point of logic because Jasmine says that she was the only one on the date who hadn’t gotten a one-on-one. UHHHH, CORINNE HAD A TWO-ON-ONE NOT A ONE-ON-ONE. FOCUS ON THE TRUTH, JASMINE. Jasmine is getting, what I assume is, increasingly drunk and increasingly aggressive. At least with her words. Nick grabs her to talk to her and she truly can’t stop saying that she wants to choke him. It is the single most uncomfortable thing I’ve seen in awhile. As she’s actively losing her mind, Nick decides that he does not see a future with her and, I gotta give it to him, he broke up with a girl less than a minute after she said she was going to choke him. That is a BALLSY move. So BAI Jasmine, I do honestly believe you’re a cool girl, but this show was not the arena for you.

So, we’re back from the group date now. WAIT, WHAT???? WHAT ABOUT THE GROUP DATE ROSE OR ANY CLOSURE WHATSOEVER??? Rachel luckily tells us that Raven got the group date rose and then before we can process that, we’re whisked away to a helicopter with Whitney and Danielle L. for this 2-on-1—wHAT NO DATE CARD NOW??? SERIOUSLY WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF THIS EPISODE? It is an interesting date, though, if for no other reason than I do not believe I have ever actually heard Whitney speak before. They land, of course, in the wilderness, as expected for a 2-on-1. This tiny island looks so much like the island for the 2-on-1 last year with Olivia that I half expect her to crawl up to them looking emaciated after being left on the island for a full calendar year. It should be noted at this time that Vanessa and Danielle M. are genuine besties and they have decide to call Danielle L. “D.Lo”—something of which I am in full and complete support. So we head back to the 2-on-1 with Whatshername and D.Lo and Nick grabs Random Girl #2 and tells her that she’s been a really calming presence during this entire experience. Also, she’s really beautiful. That’s pretty much it, though, we don’t really see any more of their conversation. Nick heads off to talk to D.Lo who says that she wants an equal partner to stand by her side, she’s not looking for her “other half”. I love that. Then Nick excuses himself mid conversation with D.Lo to go break up with Whitney probably because he just remembered he’d brought her to the SIXTH WEEK of this show and he, too, didn’t quite understand why. Whitney fires back a little and even though she says she doesn’t dislike Danielle L., it definitely seems like she hates Danielle L. So, normally I would assume that he gave the rose to D.Lo right after that, but we just head to dinner with the two of them and it’s very clear that he has not yet given out the rose. V interesting. So D.Lo pours her heart out and the two of them can’t stop reminiscing meaning they’re not really moving forward at all and she finally says that she’s falling in love with him. Then he proceeds to be silent for a horribly long time. Even she giggles because, like, dude, you gotta say something. Eventually he does and says the classic, “My heart is just in a different place”. He says, though, that on the first night when he thought about whom he would get engaged to, he always thought it would be someone like Danielle L. This super goes to her head, by the way, and even when she’s leaving, she’s like “Oh, basically he proposed then took it back, that was the series of events, right?” It is a sad goodbye, but like I said before, the two of them had actually no chemistry whatsoever so BAI to D.Lo. She’s a cool girl, I was just over her on this show.

We see Nick heading up to the hotel, I suppose we are to presume his own, but he knocks on the door of the women’s room and Shit. Goes. Down. He just walks in and already is crying. He doesn’t even stay for that long, but he basically says that he really, really wants this process to work out and to have it be real at the end, but he doesn’t know if he can keep doing this. Wow. I have, and this may be surprising to some of you, not seen all 21 seasons of The Bachelor in their entirety, but I do not think this has ever happened. Like I genuinely am concerned that Nick might not finish this season, or even if he does, he’ll just not propose to anyone Brad Womack style. I’M STRESSED.

NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELOR: Vanessa, and everyone, but mostly Vanessa is freaking out, Nick cries on the balcony, and CORINNE IS STILL ON THIS SHOW, WTF????