The Bachelor, Season 21: Week 5

Woof. What a week it was. And I might hate someone more than I hate Corinne. As we saw, previously on The Bachelor: Corinne took her top off, Nick grabbed her boobs, and she confronted Taylor who has spent three weeks just shitting on her. This week, we pick up where we left off, let’s get to it!

 

We jump back into the “confrontation” between Corinne and Taylor. Taylor still thinks that Corinne is emotionally unintelligent and Taylor still thinks she’s smarter and better than Corinne. I thought she might be up until this week’s episode, but we’ll get there soon enough. I have to say, Taylor’s left eyebrow deserves an Emmy, it is serving. All of the other girls are looking on as Taylor and Corinne talk in circles and even Raven says that Corinne hasn’t actually done anything to Taylor. Corinne tries to flip the conversation around and says that Taylor gives everyone in the house attitude—if she doesn’t like someone, she just literally won’t talk to them. I half respect her for it, half want to punch her snotty face. That previous sentence applies to both Taylor and Corinne, by the way. Taylor genuinely has no real comeback for these accusations and just kind of sits there silently with her eyebrow, again, doing all the work. Corinne, of course noting this, says that Taylor probably feels alone and sad now because that’s exactly how she felt last week. Uh, okay. And that’s pretty much it. Seriously, nothing gets resolved and it becomes abundantly clear that these are two insanely manipulative women. I’ll preface the rest of this recap by letting you know that I begrudgingly hate Taylor now. Don’t get me wrong, she’s insanely smart and probably cool. My main hesitation for straight up hating her is that Vanessa and Danielle M. have recently gone on a girls trip with Taylor and Kristina, so clearly two of my faves love this girl. AGH I’M SO CONFLICTED. Anyway, once Corinne and Taylor finally stop manipulating each other, Corinne chats with Nick. Can you even imagine how over this damn drama Nick is? He basically just listens to Corinne say that Taylor is a crazy person and then thanks her for bringing it to his attention. Cannot even for a second believe that he’s actually thankful for that. Corinne says in her confessional that she is “the queen” then she actually says “#WINNING” and I’m back to hating her more than Taylor. FINALLY it’s rose ceremony time and it’s abundantly clear that the production budget for this season did NOT go to finding a location with central heat. These women are FREEZING. Also apparently mature? Nick says that because these are mature women, they’ll work out some of this drama amongst themselves. Hmm, not so sure about that. Time to give out the roses to the coldest women in history—Nick gives his pre-rose speech, but I can barely focus because he is shrouded in a cumulonimbus cloud generated from the heat of his breath. HAVE I MENTIONED IT’S FREEZING? In essence, he pre-apologizes for the women that he’s about to send home. Cool. Anyways, congrats to Whitney (WUT, WHY?), Danielle M., Jasmine (WHAT IS THIS ORDER???), Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis, Corinne, and Taylor. Bai to Astrid and Sarah! I’m genuinely a little bit sad about both of them leaving! Astrid, as we know, I recently discovered is a star, and Sarah is sweet and had a genuinely funny limo entrance! Sarah leaves with a classic “this is not how any of this was supposed to go” and Astrid leaves with dignity and grace as expected. Or at least expected since I started to like her a week or two ago. I wrote down, at this point, that this is the most random collection of women to ever be left at this point in the franchise, but I don’t actually believe that’s true, we just haven’t gotten to know any of them because DAMN CORINNE AND TAYLOR were taking up all the screen time. Anyway, Nick announces that they’re heading to New Orleans this weekend and he’s super “jazzed” about it. Ugh.

 

They do another weird non-Bachelor-like travel montage on the way to NOLA and we find out that the Bachelor airline of choice is Southwest! Same! Nick says that he can’t imagine a more perfect place to fall in love. Hmm lots of throwing that word around so early in this “journey”. Alexis says her name is “Miss Louisiana” and she likes “gators, grits, and a good time”. We are not worthy of her greatness. Raven says that this is going to be a dramatic week and one of the girls might end up buying a voodoo doll. Raven is clearly the girl the producers go to if they need some quips thrown in here and there. Love her for it. I think you could probably look back at every season of the show I’ve ever recapped and found that in my Week 5 recap I’m always STUNNED that we’re already half way through this thing. WTH??? Anyway, Chris Harrison comes in and tells the girls that this week, there will be a one-on-one, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one. Lol the girls act like they have no clue who’s going to be on that date. First date card shows up: “Rachel—where have you beignet all my life?” OMG. She’s so nervous, it’s so adorable. Taylor is pissed that she didn’t get the one-on-one this week. Lol as if.

 

Rachel walks up to find Nick in a market—YOU KNOW THE CLASSIC LOCAL MARKET DATE—and she is looking fierce as hell. Nick says that something about Rachel just clicks with him, and, I gotta say, despite her getting the first impression rose and me liking Rachel a lot, I wasn’t entirely convinced about their chemistry until now. They’re OBSESSED with each other. It’s seriously so fun to watch. Even Nick says that he and Rachel have the most explosive chemistry. Ooh la la, same was said about Mr. Luke Pell and JoJo last season. They head over to Café Du Monde and have some beignets and 1. They look delicious and 2. These two seem like they’re already dating. I’M OBSESSED. They head outside and join up with something called a “Second Line”, I guess? I don’t know, Rachel knows everything, so of course she already knew about this New Orleans tradition. They dance down the streets with parasols and kiss and I just love it. Also, the girls have to watch from their penthouse. SAVAGE, PRODUCERS, SAVAGE. Rachel and Nick head around the French Quarter and they end up at this bar with truly the WEIRDEST collection of extras they could find. Also this girl LoLo, who is finally not a country singer, but I feel like they gave her a really weird song to showcase. Nick looks over at Rachel while she’s watching this girl perform and my heart MELTS. Rachel says that this has been the best date of her life. It’s time for dinner and they go to this garage that is full of all these mardi gras floats. Rachel goes on to tell Nick that she’s been to New Orleans twice in the last year, the second time she was here for a funeral—that’s how she knows what a Second Line is. They’re often used in celebration, but also during funerals. She made a decision to live her life to the fullest when she was in that last Second Line, so coming on the show was her way of making that happen. Nick is so clearly obsessed with that answer and her in general. At this point, I’m wondering about Nick and his life. Rachel is clearly crazy smart, accomplished, fun, beautiful—the fact that Nick loves this girl so much is seriously a tick in the “Pro” box for Nick Viall. I don’t know enough about him though—is he book smart? If he’s this genuine with Rachel, and that’s really the genuine Nick Viall, then am I the only one who feels like this isn’t a guy who would normally be on a show like this? Meaning, seriously, seriously, why is this guy still single at 35? Like, obviously this guy has faults, I didn’t mean to turn this part of the recap into a giant question about Nick Viall and his intentions, but just think about it, y’all. Think about it. Nick starts asking Rachel about her family (!!!) and wants to know what’s going to happen when he meets them (!!!). Rachel says that her dad is a federal judge and can be super intimidating. Oh, also, when Nick meets him, he should call him “Sir”. Nick then reveals that one of his major insecurities is that when he does ask for a woman’s hand in marriage, the parents won’t take him seriously because he’s already done it twice on national television. Valid concern for sure. Rachel says that what she does all day at work doesn’t allow her to be vulnerable, so it sometimes takes her awhile to open up and she’s surprised by how much she feels for him already. Nick says, and I quote, that he’s “SUPER INTO HER”. I’M DEAD. I JUST AM SO THRILLED FOR THE TWO OF THEM. She gets her rose and all I’m saying is that if she doesn’t get the final rose or is the next Bachelorette, I’m about to give up on the franchise, SHE’S THE GREATEST.

 

Next date card: “Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine, Danielle L.—‘Till death do us part.”. You’ll note that rarely, this season, are the date cards signed with the typical “Love, Nick”. Hmm. But now all the girls know that it will be Corinne and Taylor on the 2-on-1. Ooh goodie.

 

All the girls show up to this place the “Houmas House”, which is apparently one of the most haunted places in Louisiana. Josephine runs up to Nick and says that she loves all the “oak trees”. Don’t even know anything about trees and I know those are not oak trees. Nick asks which of the girls believe in ghosts and literally all of them raise their hands. Raven says that she is going to “rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus” if they see a ghost. LOL. There’s a weird creepy like groundskeeper guy who serves them all Mint Juleps then tells them the story of a little girl, Mae, who was 8 when she died in the house and now she haunts it. Jasmine is NOT on board for this story. They walk around the house and Boo, the groundskeeper guy, just tells them what they should and should not touch including the CREEPIEST doll in history. They all convene in this weird living room and play with a Ouija board, which, you know, seems like just a dumb idea. Basically they just walk around the house in small groups and get freaked out by a bunch of stuff and Jasmine wreaks havoc and essentially makes Mae REAL PISSED.

 

Meanwhile, Taylor and Corinne are “getting into the right mindset”, which, apparently to Taylor means sitting in a circle of lit cnadles, and for Corinne, means ordering room service for 4. Another time I’m on Corinne’s side here. Corinne also says “intelligencey”, which is not a word, but is proving Taylor’s point.

 

Back at the Houmas House, Danielle L. go to chat and she can’t stop saying “like” and actually can’t really stop saying anything. Gurl loves to chat. However,

 

“Absent makes the heart grow stronger.”

-Nick Viall, 2017

 

Alright, maybe he isn’t as smart as I thought 2 paragraphs ago. Vanessa and Danielle M. are both clearly not into this date, but they stand in front of this mirror and ask Mae to be chill. Danielle M. ends up chatting with Nick and even Nick says that his relationship with her has been moving pretty slowly. I love Danielle M., but it’s true, we haven’t really seen them connect again since their first date. They sort of half-connect again and obviously they like each other, but I’m worried that they’re falling behind. Raven and Nick talk next and she literally says that she’s FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HIM. He tries to ask about it, but she just powers through then in her confessional she says that she owns it. YOU GO, RAVEN. Danielle M. ends up with the group date rose and we can finally move on from poor Mae.

Hoooboy, so it’s finally time for the two-on-one. Corinne says that it’s time to “Make America Corinne Again” and honestly OF COURSE. They show up to this swamp and get in this boat and then A GIANT MAN JUMPS IN THE BACK OF THE BOAT AND I LITERALLY SCREAMED MY HEAD OFF. TRULY SO MUCH SCARIER THAN THE LAST DATE IN ITS ENTIRETY. They show up to literally THE WOODS and find this ritual going on. We find out that this woman they’re meeting is a Voodoo priestess so this date is going to be, in my opinion, creepier than the ghosts. Also, what is up with two-on-ones always being in some sort of wilderness?? The voodoo priestess tells them that they’re going to have a tarot card reading so the three of them sit down with this other voodoo priestess woman who tells them that there is simply TOO MUCH STRESS. Corinne and Nick head out so that Taylor can get her reading. Oh, Taylor is a water sign, by the way, and she will not stop talking about it for the rest of the episode. Corinne tells Nick that Taylor “emotionally attacked” her. Hate to be cliché, but NO ONE CAN EMOTIONALLY ATTACK YOU WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. Taylor’s reading basically just tells her Corinne is a bitch. I’m not so sure I trust this Voodoo priestess. Taylor and Nick head out to talk and Nick tells Taylor that Corinne just told him that Taylor called Corinne “stupid”. Seriously. We’re watching a middle school fight on primetime television. Nick has a decision to make so he goes, presumably, somewhere else in the woods leaving Taylor and Corinne to talk. Taylor hopes Corinne feels “like she used [her] time wisely to lie to him”. Honestly, Taylor, Corinne does feel like she used her time wisely, how can you not tell???? Nick comes back and gives this long speech that I do not care about and ends up giving Corinne the rose. Gross. Why did both of these women not go home. They’re immature, emotionally manipulative, and BORING. I’M OVER IT. Corinne and Nick head back out on the boat leaving Taylor with this small Voodoo tribe. She makes sure they know that SHE’S A WATER SIGN and also they just like throw a bunch of oil on her. Corinne and Nick go to dinner and it honestly looks like a step-dad and the teenage daughter who needs attention. They are a MISMATCH. Surprise, surprise, though, since TAYLOR IS A WATER SIGN, she has something up her sleeve and walks from the wilderness all the way to their dinner spot. “Hey, guys.” TO BE CONTINUED.

 

NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELOR: Taylor just cannot leave and will end up looking like the crazy one, everyone is scared for Nick about something, and Nick cries a lot. SO MUCH DRAMA.

The Bachelor, Season 21: Week 4

OMG YOU GUYS. THEY’RE IN MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN. I’m pretty sure everyone who is reading this knows that I share a hometown with Mr. Nick Viall. And this week, we get to visit the lovely Wisconsin city. Let’s jump into as quickly as humanly possible because y’all know I got a lot to say!

We head back to the lamest pool party of the century to find all the girls, except Corinne of course, just sitting around talking about how disrespectful Corinne is. They’re not loving that Corinne leads with her sexuality and Taylor even says that she has zero maturity. Vanessa, as we saw last week, confronts Nick, and says that she’s not going to be dancing around him or shaking her tatas in front of him—in fact, she’ll give back her rose if that’s what Nick is into. At this point, of course, I was all “YAHS VANESSA”, but then was a little disappointed that not a single one of the girls gave back their own roses when, spoiler alert, Corinne gets hers. Come on, ladies, we want you to give back your roses! Nick tells Vanessa, though, that he wants her to call him out on his shit, but also wants her to be patient. Am I the only one that thought this conversation was essentially him telling her to ride out the producer’s picks until the two of them can ride off into the sunset? I mean, it’s more clear than ever that Nick is just straight up not into Corinne. Chris Harrison comes in and says that the pool party is over and it’s time to get ready for the rose ceremony—Corinne has been sleeping for most of it and everyone is pissed. Taylor and Sarah decide to wake her up, though, and basically it’s just a conversation about real, grown women being pissed about bounce houses and Corinne thinking that she is in “no way” privileged. OH OKAY. Corinne also thinks that Sarah and Taylor are obsessed with her. TBH, I think she’s probably right. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be as focused on Corinne as all of these girls are, but seriously, she’s all they’re talking about all the time. Also, the confessional footage of Corinne this week must have been recorded a solid 4 months after they wrapped principal shooting, yes? She looks physically older and her hair has figured itself out. Okay so NOW we finally get to give out some roses. Astrid looks like a DAMN STAR in her dress for the rose ceremony, by the way, same with Jaimi and her straight hair. I wrote “(insert woman’s name) is a star” about 10,000 times this week in my notes. Anyway, congratulations to Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmin, Alexis, Astrid, Danielle M., Jaimi, Josephine, Sarah, and, of course, Corinne. Big ole BAI to Christen and Brittany, both sweet girls, of course. Christen gives Nick some major side eye on her way out and Brittany says that she used to make fun of all the girls that would cry when they left, but now she gets it. Nick, or rather Corinne, gives a toast to the remaining girls and Nick ends up saying that it “means a lot” to him that the women are so close. I suppose that’s probably true, but I can’t help but think that he honestly thinks it’s a little weird for him that they’re all so close. Who’s to know really. Anyway, Corinne is physically eating her rose which is gross AF.

The next day, Chris Harrison walks in and announces that this week, they’re heading to MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN. I knew this was happening even before this season aired and I still freaked out, I love seeing my home on television. He also says that this is the beginning of their journey with Nick meaning that they’re never coming back to the mansion and its gorgeous new couches this season. I’m a little sad about that. :( They do this weird, very un-Bachelor-like, montage of the women flying to Wisco, and honestly that plane landing looked VERY unsafe. Alexis being the star she is says, “Hello Mom and Dad, I’m gonna be the wife.” I grow more in love with her on the daily. They go to Waukesha, Wisconsin first which is, and I’m sure I’ve said this in previous posts, where I took my driver’s license test as well as went to a state mandated alcohol education course (Shoutout to that party freshman year of college that turned weird!). Nick and his parents have coffee at this cute little restaurant where they forgot to get everyone to sign a release. His parents tell him they don’t ever want to be on this show again and I love them so much. They 100% are the most natural Bachelor family in history, like genuinely do not seem scripted. Nick meets up with the girls and says that they’re in Wisconsin at the best time of the year, which is absolutely ACCURATE! If you haven’t been to Milwaukee in the fall, you really haven’t lived. He has a one-on-one date right now with Danielle L. Alright, so before we jump into this date, I must say, I like Danielle L., I think she’s a cool girl and a boss ass bitch, but no one and I mean NO ONE can convince me that she and Nick have any sort of natural chemistry. Physically maybe in that they’re both hot people, but beyond that, there is no passion. WE NEED PASSION. They start by just walking around Waukesha and he tells her that he jumped in a river for $12 once. Hmm. He also says that he used to make out with girls at the library and got dumped when he was 11. They show up to this cute little bakery who has made a “Nickerdoodle” cookie for him which is just a headshot on a cookie. He and Danielle L. go to the back to decorate cookies, which seems fun, but Nick Viall is objectively bad at decorating cookies. They walk around some more and “casually” run into one of Nick’s exes! DRAMA! Just kidding, I peeped the wedding ring on her finger and the general non-familiarity this girl, Amber, has with Nick. Also, this Amber girl is barely one of Nick’s exes—they dated for 3 or 4 months, I’m assuming in high school or college. Not exactly any love lost, that’s for sure. They leave Amber, may she find happiness in her life, and go to Lowell Park that is not a mainstay of Milwaukee, WI, but they certainly frame it as such. But wait, this is sorta where Nick lost his virginity apparently, so maybe it should be a mainstay. They just sit on this blanket and sorta kiss and talk about old relationships and like, on paper, this conversation is going really well, but I am feeling nothing from either of them. For the evening, they go to The Iron Horse Hotel which is a lovely hotel and I’ve been in the exact place they were sitting! Could ABC not afford to close the restaurant, though? There is a lot of activity happening behind them. They spend the entire evening talking about how Danielle’s parents’ divorce may have affected her relationships. Spoiler alert: it maybe has? Danielle says that it made her mature at an early age. I’d buy that, I guess. She gets the rose, blah, blah, blah, I’m bored with them. Nick says that they’re going to another location to check off something on his bucket list. WHAT WAS ON HIS BUCKET LIST. THEY SHOW UP TO THE PABST THEATER FOR A CONCERT, SEEMS REALLY DO-ABLE NICK. At least it’s not a private concert. By the by, I remember I was home for some reason when they were filming this concert and I’m pissed I wasn’t there. Maybe Nick’s next season!

Time for another date card! “Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M., Corinne: say cheese!” Um, is anyone on this planet not on this date???? But, this means that Raven has a one-on-one! As someone with Raven in my final four, I’m V EXCITED to see this one-on-one. Let’s head to the farm, first, though. Alright, so the thousand women show up on a dairy farm, and I just gotta say, they had to travel pretty far to get there. Seriously, there aren’t all that many dairy farms close to Milwaukee and Waukesha. I mean, I’m not talking hours away, but even Nick says, we’re city-folk if we’re from Milwaukee, we’re not constantly going to farms. Corinne is already in a pissy mood and wishes she were in a spa being fed a chicken taco. HARD SAME. They walk up and Nick is just bottle feeding some baby cows which I guess is endearing. They basically just start doing farm chores like feeding the cows and shoveling shit and milking the cows. YA KNOW, REAL FUN STUFF FOR A DATE. Jaimi is weirdly really good at milking cows and Nick is not. Corinne gives up mid-everything and goes to sit on a rock while everyone else enjoys their manual labor date. Sarah tries to be fun and says that she doesn’t “know if it’s cow shit or bull shit, but [she] smells shit”. CUTE! They end up at this place called The Paine? Another non-mainstay of Milwaukee, WI, but okay. The entire night, seriously, is just about Corinne. Corinne, by the way, apparently sat out much of the date because of a “serious medical issue” meaning she lost circulation in her hands and almost had to go to the hospital. If that’s true, sorry girl, but I JUST KNOW IT’S NOT TRUE. I HATE HER SO MUCH. Corinne wants to confront the girls and ask them to speak with her directly if they have any issues. Immediately Sarah is like “Yep, why are you ready to marry a 36 year old man” and Corinne is all like “I just am”. Solid argument. Corinne says in one of her confessionals that she’s like a luxury yellow corn. She also calls corn kernels “pellets”, which is wrong, but if I spent that much time dissecting Corinne’s words, I would hate my life. She says to the girls that she has not been feeling comfortable or overwhelmed and, oh, also, she’s really sorry for sleeping. YOU. ARE. MISSING. THE. POINT. CORINNE. OLYMPIOS. She does deliver one of my favorite comparisons in modern entertainment when she tells us that “Michael Jordan, Abraham Lincoln, they all took naps!”. Probably true. She doesn’t think that age has anything to do with anything. Probably not true. She starts to, again, blame her behavior on some medical issues, but now says that she’s “good” with everyone. UGH EVEN WRITING THIS, I CAN’T FOLLOW THE LOGIC. It’s such a non conversation and experience I’m so over it. Vanessa and Kristina both talk to her straight up, though, and Corinne is clearly not interested in hearing anything. She says that the girls are fighting for a “fiance not a pickle”. Hmmm. While all this drama was going on, Nick was having a lovely conversation with Kristina, was getting the sweetest book ever from Vanessa’s students, and telling Rachel that he wants her to continue being vulnerable. Seriously, we’re missing some real, interesting conversations because of Corinne’s shit. Corinne does end up talking with Nick, but he is leaning SO FAR away from her physically and because they didn’t kiss, Corinne calls it “more of an adult convo”. Kristina ends up getting the group date rose, which I’m surprisingly on board for.

Time for Raven’s one-on-one! I LOVE Raven on this date, seriously, it’s amazing. They meet up and head to another park to watch some young girls play soccer. STAY WITH ME FOLKS. It’s actually Nick’s sister Bella who’s playing and Raven gets to meet her and do some soccer drills with her team before the game. These girls are actually AMAZING at soccer. Way to go, Bella. The actual game starts and Raven and Nick cheer the team on from the sideline. About halfway through, it seems like Nick and Raven are just getting ready to leave, but SURPRISE, they’re just going to meet Nick’s parents. Then Nick’s father just actually falls in love with Raven and sorta kinda hits on her. Blech. Raven says she was intimidated to meet them, which, OF COURSE, it’s actually your first date. Nick, adorably, says that two very important ladies in his life, Bella and Raven, are both bringing their A-Game. AWW! They head to WAUKESHA SKATELAND, a place I’ve had many a field trip and gone roller skating. Raven and Bella hang out and actually have the MOST natural chemistry in history for two people who just met today. It’s a really adorable date and Nick, Raven, and Bella go skating around and get some fun prizes and it’s all just really cute. He even says that it’s one of the best dates he’s ever been on. Could not agree more. Raven is nervous, though, because her feelings got really deep. YES, I love her. They go to the MILWAUKEE ART MUSEUM for their dinner! OMG. Guys. Hang with me for a second. I LOVE the Milwaukee Art Museum. I took my senior pictures there! It’s where I want to have my wedding reception! Unfortch, it’s MINIMUM 10Grand to rent out the space, so unless this blog hits it big, I probz won’t be having it there. Anyway, it’s the most gorgeous space ever and it’s set up for a little dinner for two. Raven tells a very detailed and amazing story about her last relationship—she mentioned it before, but she walked in on her ex-boyfriend cheating on her. She got a call from one of his coworkers, I guess this guy was a doctor, and this woman said he was watching Raven’s boyfriend about to cheat on her at this bar. So Raven, being the star she is, grabs her mom’s car and heads over to his house. When she gets there, the bedroom door is LOCKED and she KICKS IT OPEN and starts punching her boyfriend. She also knows what that girl’s vagina looks like. LOL. After she punched him in the face, she picked up this girl’s stiletto and starting beating her boyfriend in the head. I do not condone physical violence, but DAMN, RAVEN, YOU GO GIRL. She didn’t tell anyone about that experience for a really long time and Nick says he understands it probably made her feel ashamed because he felt that way, too, when he was cheated in. Raven learned, though, that she is valuable: she is smart, intelligent, and kinda cute. YOU GO RAVEN. Omg, I could NOT be more obsessed with that sentiment. This genuinely was the most natural, fun date, I had so much fun watching it. Nick says he “loves” (!!!) that Raven is an interesting, sassy woman. She gets the rose and they somehow have rollerblades to just skate around the museum. Raven ends by telling us that she’s falling in love with Nick! UGH, I’M SO EXCITED FOR THEM!

It’s time for the cocktail party and it’s truly at another farm. A ton of the ladies are repeating night one and wearing red again. Tonight, Corinne wants to take down Taylor, though. Before she can, Danielle L. steals Nick first then promises to return him right away. Taylor gets weirdly pissed—am I the only one that thinks Danielle L. taking him first is probably the classiest thing she could do? Better than steal him right before the rose ceremony. Whatever. Taylor goes to interrupt Danielle L. and Nick almost immediately and has to just stand there while Danielle L. speaks for what feels like hours. FINALLY, Danielle L. is done chatting and Taylor and Nick sit down by the fire and they’re randomly very physical with each other? Not buying their connection. Meanwhile, Corinne and Josephine are STUFFING their faces and I’m proud of them for that. What I’m not proud of, however, is how bitchy Josephine is being. Josephine randomly hates Taylor now and is trying to be Corinne’s best friend. She tells her that she, meaning Corinne, has hardly said anything behind people’s backs. EXSQUEEZEME???????? JOSEPHINE WHAT THE HELL YOU TALKING ABOUT. Corinne says that she’s going to rip Taylor a new one and Josephine says that she’ll back her up. JOSEPHINE, YOU KNOW YOU JUST TURNED A NATION AGAINST YOU, YES? Corinne grabs Taylor and they sit down and Corinne tells her that the way that she’s been treated by Taylor is disgusting. It’s kind of a long conversation, but Taylor basically says that Corinne does not have the emotional intelligence or maturity to be in a relationship with anyone. Genuinely, and I mean, genuinely, although I think Corinne is an idiot and I hate her, Taylor is just gas lighting her. Like for real making her feel like a crazy person. I sorta kinda agree with Corinne on this one, I’m not sure I’d want Taylor to be my Mental Health Counselor. Corinne does come off like an idiot, maybe because she says she runs a “multi-million dollar company” (doubtful) and that she thinks she’s smarter than Taylor (also doubtful). We end with Corinne saying that Taylor is like the “shit she scooped in her shovel”, then TO BE CONTINUED. I’M SO OVER THESE CLIFF HANGER EPISODES, LET’S JUST END WITH A ROSE CEREMONY AGAIN????

Next week on The Bachelor: a two-on-one with Taylor and Corinne, praise, and crocodiles! Also, we found out that Alexis’ biggest fears are Nicholas Cage, the actor, and aliens. Also, she thinks Raven is an alien. SHE’S A STAR.

The Bachelor, Season 21: Week 3

This week on The Bachelor: JUST KIDDING WE’RE STARTING WITH A PREVIOUSLY ON! Am I the only one that didn’t even remember that we didn’t have a rose ceremony last week? Anyway, previously on The Bachelor, Liz was kind of a crazy person, so we gotta pick up where we left off. Let’s see how Nick handles the drama, and buckle in, folks, it’s gonna be a long one!

 

We come back, not to the night when all the girls find out that Nick and Liz have slept together, but the next morning and we’re back at the mansion. Christen is apparently the spokesperson for the Liz and Nick one night stand and just insists that it was just that, a one night thing. I read somewhere that Christen is this year’s virgin as well, kind of thought that the producers would make it a thing when she’s the one that Liz chose to confide in about sex. Gotta say, good on you producers, if the rumors are true. Basically all of the girls just want to know what Nick’s intentions are now—well, basically all the girls, Vanessa is just drinking out a bendy straw like she’s at her local diner. I love her so. Nick walks in and tells the women his side of the Liz story, which, is hopefully, the factual side of the story. He says that when Liz got out of the limo, he was really caught off guard because he’d met Liz at JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING and they had sex. Mind you, he’s smiling ear to ear while he’s saying this all. Then the whole thing sort of becomes a non-issue. I don’t think it should be an issue, but really none of the girls seem to care at all about it. I gotta say, I wouldn’t care that there was a girl who The Bachelor had hooked up with, but that neither of them addressed it or said anything for like two full weeks would be a little bit suspicious. In addition to his broad grin, Nick also proudly wears a very floral tie. I’m kind of confused about the vibe that they’re going for with Nick’s wardrobe this season. He says that he wants the girls to ask him questions if they have any. Oh, okay. Nick says that he’s still really super optimistic about finding his wife in this room and then we cut away to a bunch of the girls being like “I’m okay with it, how are you dealing with all this?”. GIRLS, HE’S FINE. HE GOT TO SCREW SOMEONE THEN SEND HER HOME ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Apparently I liked Vanessa’s conversation with him, but I just like Vanessa, so my note of “YAHS VANESSA” might just mean I was excited she popped up on my screen. Nick sits down with Danielle L. and tells her that he missed her. Interesting. Danielle L. likes that Nick is so open and honest and it’s super clear that Nick is crazy attracted to her. Also he’s “intrigued in” her. Lolololol. The thing I did find interesting about this series of events was the short conversations with a few of the girls who are worried about if Nick will sleep with one of the girls before the Fantasy Suite. Interesting. I mean, I’ve mentioned it like 500 times already in these recaps, so my bad, but I watch UnReal, clearly if he wants to sleep with someone he’ll find a way to do it. But the fact that they kind of called out the stereotype of getting it on in the Fantasy Suite was pretty funny to me. Corinne, meanwhile, is upstairs staring at herself in a mirror while she puts on a trench coat over her bra, but no underwear? We find out later, I guess, that she’s fully nude under this trench coat. IS NO ONE ELSE WONDERING WHY THIS GIRL USED UP SUITCASE SPACE FOR A TRENCH COAT? Surely, she’s seen any episode of the franchise and realizes that there is not a place on this show for a COAT. Corinne says that she doesn’t have a problem with Liz going home especially now that she knows that Liz had “intercourse” with Nick before she did. BLECH. Why has that word not been banned from the English dictionary yet? Raven sits down with Nick and says that she feels great about everything. Um, okay. Hailey says that Nick is a “hot topic” and then Corinne saunters down the staircase saying that she wants Nick and her to “explore each other sexually”. BLECH PT. 2. They go outside and sit on this weird GIANT set of pillows and Corinne pulls out a can of Reddi-Whip that she says is super important. She squirts some into Nick’s mouth then literally uses her tongue like an animal’s tongue to scoop some out of his mouth into her own. Then she decides now is a good time to put some whip cream on her bare breast and have Nick lick it off of her. Now, some of you might think that this is moving too fast with Corinne, and I gotta say I disagree. He’s already held her damn boobs and clearly they’re just heading toward sex, so it’s actually moving at a relatively slow pace if you factor in that Nick has no genuine interest in Corinne other than sexually. Corinne says that she’s “comfortable with her body and her sexuality”. Now look, I am happy and proud of every woman for whom that is true. Corinne is not one of them. Nick says (not to her luckily) that he thinks they should probably slow things down a little bit. Probably best, buddy! Jasmine walks in and says that she just “stumbled” upon them. LOL. The girls, during this whole thing, by the way, have just been freaking out a little? Sarah especially is just weirdly emotional about the fact that Nick and Corinne are doing some weird physical stuff. So after Nick struggles to get up from those giant pillows, we presume he goes off to chat with Jasmine and we follow Corinne inside where she just starts WEEPING and Lacey is there to console her. LACEY, RUN. Corinne thinks that the conversation they had was so bad for her and Nick’s relationship. Uh, okay. Time for the rose ceremony: Nick picks up the first rose, then puts it down and notices that Corinne isn’t there. LOL, GURL IS SIMPLY NAPPING. I can’t blame her, I love a good nap, too, but you’re missing out on your screen time, sweetie! Nick says in his confessional that the main reason he’s concerned about Corinne is because he doesn’t want the other women to think that he’s validating Corinne’s behavior by giving her a rose. UM, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU’VE DONE FOR THREE WEEKS NOW. Anyway, time to give out the roses. Congrats to: Astrid (???), Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Danielle L., Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimi, Dominique (I had to pause and rewind like 3 times because 1. I don’t remember this girl and 2. He whispered her name SO quietly), Sarah, Alexis (MOVE, BITCHES), Brittany, Josephine, and Jasmine. Christen already had a rose, did we see Christen get the rose last week? Eh, don’t care enough to go back and check tbh. Bai to Lacey, Elizabeth W. (TRULY WHO), and Hailey. And now the nation knows Nick prefers Brunettes! I mean, we could assume based on his previous 3 pairings of the franchise, but I’m a little surprised it’s so black and white for him.

 

The next morning, Chris Harrison walks in, turns to Corinne, and says, “Corinne, you look rested.” Lol. I wonder if Chris Harrison and the producers hate Corinne as much as we do. Also, Corinne fired back a little bit on social media after the GoFundMe to free Raquel (lol), but honestly that just makes me sadder. She’s a horrible person and doesn’t have a sense of humor about it or any perspective that it might just be the editing. First date card of the week: “Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, Corinne…Everybody.” WHAT KIND OF DATE CARD IS THAT? Then one of the girls, with whom I’d probably like to do an escape room because she connected the non-existent dots, mentions that it might be the Backstreet Boys. Then all of a sudden, we hear the music in the distance, and in walks THE ACTUAL BACKSTREET BOYS. I was always an N*Sync girl myself, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t like BSB. I would be freaking out right along with these girls. Brian or AJ, can’t remember who, tells the girls that they can’t wear heels, then they do an a capella version of “I Want It That Way”, but these boys need a little tuning help. BSB leave and the girls continue freaking out, even Taylor is like “we’re going to dance with the f**king Backstreet Boys”. Jasmine is super confident because she’s a professional dancer, but Corinne is very scared because she’s apparently a horrible dancer. The girls drive ALL THE WAY to Burbank, which is quite a hike from Agoura Hills, to meet up with Nick and learn some dance moves from BSB. They tell the girls that they’ll be performing tonight for a live audience because they have an upcoming residency in Vegas (anyone got a ticket hookup for me??). BSB will then decide which girl does the best and who has the best chemistry with Nick—that lucky girl will be serenaded by them while Nick and she dance. What’s up with all these dates where these randos decide who has the best chemistry with Nick? Nick CARTER leads the girls in the choreography and some girls (Danielle L. and Jasmine) are kicking ass, while Corinne hangs in the back and lets us know that she has “bad short term memory” which makes dancing hard? Alrighty. Corinne then continues to freak out and say that she’s lost all her confidence, well actually, she says that she doesn’t feel “pretty, cute, confident, bubbly, or fun”. The fact that she regularly describes herself with all of those adjectives seems healthy, but I can assure you is not. We only get to see like 5 seconds of them learning the choreography then it’s show time. We only see like 5 seconds of show time also and from that we are to gather that BSB liked Danielle L.’s chemistry with Nick the best. Hokay. Then comes POTENTIALLY the only thing worse than a private concert: an a capella concert for 500, but everyone is looking at two people kiss. I am V uncomfortable. Danielle L. and Nick don’t seem to be, though, so, good for them. Corinne says that this is her worst nightmare repeated “over and over and over again”. Wut. We head to the cocktail party and I’m having a hard time understanding Jasmine’s dress. Carinne grabs Nick first and says that she wants to be the center of his attention. WE KNOW. Her dress also COULDN’T be shorter. One wrong move, and she might need a trench coat! THEN SHE SAYS THE GREATEST THING IN HISTORY:

 

“Planned dancing.”

-Corinne Olympios, 2017

 

Even Nick is like, um, you mean choreography? He tells her that she shouldn’t worry about last night. Okay? He also asks her if she apologized to the other women for not being at the rose ceremony. Of course she didn’t. If I were Nick, wouldn’t I be a little turned off this girl now? They make out a little bit and they head back, then Corinne says that she’s going to fall out of her chair she’s so exhausted. DOES SHE HAVE AN ACTUAL SLEEP DISORDER? She heads into another room, genuinely, to take another nap. Danielle L. and Nick chat and she tells him that she could see herself falling in love with him. Oooh la la, the first time those words have been uttered this season. CanNOT wait to hear them another 1547 times. Nick pulls a classic drape her arm around you then make out with her then fumble with your own hands when trying to grab her legs. It’s classic.

 

Time for another date card! “Vanessa, you make me feel like I’m floating…Love, Nick”. UGH I’M SO EXCITED FOR HER. Dominique meanwhile says that this is “waiting” not “dating” because she hasn’t even gotten to go on a date yet. I had forgotten about you, Dominique.

 

Back at the cocktail party, finally Corinne reveals that she has a nanny. Raquel, her nanny of course, makes sure that her bed is made, she makes her cucumber and vegetable slices for lunch, she knows just how much lemon, olive oil, and garlic salt she likes in her salads, and she makes the best cheese pasta. I am not the first to make this inquiry, but in the words of Astrid, week 2, “that sounds non-specific, let’s specify”. My money is on buttered noodles with parmesan, but I’m open to other options as well. Jasmine cannot believe her life now and physically leaves the table to gossip about it in the bathroom then just straight up FALLS while walking around this place. The group date rose goes to Danielle L., which is probably for the best, but Corinne thinks it’s because Nick doesn’t want to put a target on her back by giving her the group date rose two weeks in a row. PUH-LEASE.

 

Nick shows up at this airport in a full workman’s suit, and I gotta say, he’s looking good. Vanessa pulls up and is so excited to see him and tells him that she hopes they’re not skydiving. Get ready for a ton of “aww’s” readers, this date is the best. Vanessa says that she is “comfortable, confident, and calm” when she’s around Nick. YES. GOOD. I LOVE IT. Nick says that one of the things he “loves” (!!!) about Vanessa is her confidence. Man, I’m so excited for these two to fall in love and get engaged then probably break up in 7-8 months! They are genuinely sweet together, though. They head into this zero gravity plane which apparently makes them feel like they’re in space, but they don’t explain it at all, so it must be witchcraft. They are having the BEST time just floating around this plane and they keep wrapping their legs around each other and trying to kiss and it’s just so adorable. Nick even says that he thinks it couldn’t be going any better. AWW! Vanessa starts to feel sick and, even though this would probably bug me, Nick is right up next to her and touching her and rubbing her back while she does actually puke. It’s really endearing. I never thought I’d see someone puke on a first date and come out the other side basically having a man under her spell. GIVE IT UP FOR VANESSA. He is so sweet with her making sure she’s okay and even, kinda grossly, kissing her while they chomp on some gum. I love them so much.

 

Time for the final date card of the week: “Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, Dominique: I’m done playing the field…From, Nick”. Two things to note here: 1. “From” Nick. 2. Clearly not done playing the field you have 17 girlfriends right now, Nick?!?!?!?!?

 

Vanessa and Nick end up going to the US Bank building in DTLA with the most INSANE views. Nick is, for some reason, wearing a collarless shirt, but like not in a cute, casual way. Anyway, Nick says that he likes taking care of Vanessa. They then go on to have just a really genuinely wonderful conversation. Vanessa takes the time to get to know Nick, which, to be honest, I feel like we don’t ever get to see on this show. She loves her family so she loves to know that Nick is close with his family as well. Nick starts saying that Vanessa gives him confidence about this whole thing then he actually, really, starts crying and Vanessa gets to take care of him and my heart is bursting it’s just all so wonderful. I totally understand why so many people give Nick a ton of shit, but you have to acknowledge that he clearly likes this woman a lot and is being genuine with her. Vanessa gets her rose, PRAISE, then they just kind of hug and kiss and it’s pretty adorable and they physically fit together so well. She fits right in his nook! Aww!

 

It’s time for the last date of the week and we pan in on Nick just running around this track. Such sporty dates this season, don’t hate it, just clearly a theme. All the girls run in and CLEARLY Astrid needs more support. Nick tells the girls that Track and Field is something he’s done all his life and he brings in some special guests: ACTUAL OLYMPIANS. If you know me, you know I love the Olympics more than just about anything in the world so you KNOW I was freaking out BSB style when Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix, and Michelle Carter come running in. They tell the girls that they’re going to be participating in a “Nickathalon” and the winner will get some extra time with Nick. While they’re warming up, even Jaimi is like “Astrid should have worn 3 sports bras”. LOL. But then we cut to Astrid and she’s like “Well, maybe it’ll help me get the rose”. YAHS GIRL. See????? You can have a sense of humor about yourself, Corinne! Also, couldn’t remember who Astrid was last week, but I’m liking her a lot this week. First event is the long jump where they have to kind of sort of jump in a limo. Next is high jump where they jump onto a giant picture of Nick. MY GIRL ALEXIS CLEARS THAT BAR WITH STYLE! Javelin throw is next and they have to hit a target which is not how javelin works, but okay. Alexis picks up her javelin and says that she doesn’t think anyone should feel safe with her throwing it. I’m obsessed with her. Dominique this whole time is kind of complaining about everything and how she just doesn’t stand out amongst these girls. Rachel is kicking ass, which I’m loving. I guess the Nickathalon is only 4 events—I think Allyson Felix intro’d it beautifully, but it’s already escaped my brain. Only three of the girls get to move onto the final round which is a 100-meter dash. Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid move on and I could not be more pleased with that final three. Carl Lewis tells them that they have to run to grab this giant ring and then run into this hot tub with Nick. The girls GO FOR IT, to the point where Rachel knocks the ring off the stand, she and Alexis run past it, then Astrid grabs it at the same time Rachel is stepping on it, so it shatters, but Astrid has a majority piece of it so she runs into the hot tub with Nick. PHEW. A lot of action in such a small amount of time. Nick and Astrid toast to “kind of winning” and then they make out a little bit.

 

The cocktail party for the night is at this cool antique store that I want to go to—Nick asks Astrid to chat first and already Dominique is freaking out. Nick presents Astrid with an un-shattered ring, Alexis wants to lay down and make out with Nick on top of a photo of him, and Rachel says that she has extreme cabin fever. Rachel and Nick’s conversation is so natural. I sincerely hope they don’t end up in the friendzone. Dominique has been freaking out even more while all of this is going on and the last straw is her seeing Rachel and Nick making out. Dominique pulls Nick aside and says that she thinks he didn’t give her a “fair chance” today. WUT? She says that he should have noticed that she was a little withdrawn from the crowd and based on what he knows about her already, he should have checked in with her. Gurl. That is INSANELY unfair. You’re on a date with 7 girls, you do whatever the hell you need to to make sure this guy notices you, it is not all on him. Nick, rightfully, was like, I’m sorry, this is hard, but I really don’t’ see a future with you, you’re clearly a crazy person, go home now. I’m paraphrasing, but it’s pretty much just that. Dominique heads out crying, even though she’s only been on 1/7th of a date with this guy. Nick heads back to the other girls and tells them he sent her home then gives RACHEL THE GROUP DATE ROSE. I love that.

 

The next day, Chris Harrison comes in and says that because Nick had an emotional night, he’d decided to have a pool party rather than the usual cocktail party. A couple random things happen, but the only thing to note is that Corinne has maybe packed in her suitcase this princess bouncy castle? I mean, the girl brought a trench coat, I wouldn’t put it past her to check this bouncy house. Nick and she jump around for awhile until she actually straddles him with all the girls watching and everyone is not on board. Corinne feels good about it, though, and goes off to take THE THIRD NAP OF THE EPISODE. A bunch of girls pull Nick aside to bring up their concerns about Corinne, and rightfully so. Raven says that she thinks he’s making a huge mistake with Corinne because the girl has a NANNY. “A what?” asks Nick Viall? You heard her right, Nick. Jasmine and Taylor also just want to make sure that he knows she’s kind of a crazy bitch. Vanessa starts getting, rightfully, upset, though, and she wonders what the deal is because Corinne is so clearly the opposite of her and their date. She sits down with Nick, and they're adorably entwined in each other, and she was just like “I saw you and Corinne and you riding her”. LOL YAHS VANESSA WORK. She even physically leans back as if to say “DUDE WTF”. She tells him that she’s not judging Corinne, she’s judging his actions, which is, I suppose what I should be doing, but I’m not as cool as Vanessa. She looks him straight in the eye and asks if he’s looking for a wife or if he’s looking for someone to f*ck around with. DAMN, VANESSA.

 

TO BE CONTINUED. Next week on The Bachelor: “We gotta talk about Corinne”. Also, Corinne and Taylor want to punch each other in the throat. Cute! Until next week, bai!