The Bachelor, Season 24: Week 3

The drama simply will not cease on this season of The Bachelor. This week, we have to quickly move on from #ChampagneGate because there’s plenty more chaos to go around. Enough of the chit-chat, let’s jump in!

I actually forgot that we left the last episode very weirdly when Peter talked to Kelsey after he had already given out the group date rose. The next morning, Kelsey is still crying, and now so is Hannah Ann? The two of them have separate conversations about their sides of the stories with various women and it’s clear that, much like the second bottle of champagne, something’s a’brewing. 

Oh ALSO, we still have another date to go on this “week”!!!! God, I am just truly THROWN by this pacing. We don’t get to see a date card, but Victoria P. is getting ready for a one-on-one and is excited to spend time with Peter with no distractions. Honestly, same. 

They’re driving around Thousand Oaks in an old pickup truck and Victoria P. suddenly has a southern accent now? Or maybe I missed it when she was throwing up from the gyroscope. Peter takes her to a place where they can try on cowboy boots and hats and I’m fearful for this Los Angeles version of a country date. 

We pull up to what appears to be a saloon and find out that his friends and family LOVE to line dance. I’m sorry, what?? Sure, it’s super fun for a single night, but then you forget that it’s an activity that you can do and don’t return for many years. I’ve been to Thousand Oaks exactly once and all I remember is big houses, lots of families, and absolutely no one line dancing. This moment has thrown me for a loop. 

Peter’s impressed with Victoria P.’s line dancing skills and shoot, now I’m remembering that I’m an excellent line dancer and maybe if I did remember that I “love” to line dance, I’d already have a man. 😕I guess a trip to Thousand Oaks is in the cards!!!

Victoria P. tells Peter that she has “more than just a crush” on him right now and she’s “smitten”. Because of the weird ass way they’ve cut this season together, it doesn’t seem absolutely bonkers that she’s basically saying 4 days into it that she’s falling in love with Peter. Peter feels like there’s chemistry between them and even says that he may have found his dance partner for life. Cute!

Back at the mention, Hannah Ann and Kelsey sit down to have a conversation about the tragedy that happened the night before. Kelsey opens the conversation that it’s not about the champagne and, surprise, SHE DOESN’T EVEN REALLY LIKE CHAMPAGNE. She could truly work in political spin, that defense is pure bonkers. Hannah Ann does not appreciate that Kelsey thinks she’s fake and definitely NEVER would steal someone’s champagne. 

Kelsey’s mad that Hannah Ann didn’t talk to her before she talked to Peter about it. Rightfully, Hannah Ann points out that one of the last things Kelsey said directly to her is to “stay the fuck away” from her. Kellyanne, or sorry, KELSEY, asks “So, we’re gonna make this about me now?” THE GASLIGHTING IS SIMPLY TOO SEVERE.

Back to Victoria P.’s date, Peter and Victoria approach an area, I can only describe as “amongst airplanes”. Peter asks Victoria why she is the way he is, and in between lip bites, she describes herself as a caregiver and a positive person. They’re sitting on the same side of the table, which, of course, makes me wildly uncomfortable, but comes in handy when she truly needs to hug someone during this tough conversation. 

She tells Peter that her dad passed away when she was really young and her mom fell into addiction. As a result, she and her sister grew up in and out of shelters and she was forced to be the rock for her mom and sister. Some days, she wasn’t sure she would have food. One of her dreams growing up was to get out of that place and have a healthy and happy life. In the past, she didn’t feel deserving of relationships, something she’d shared with Peter on night one, but she’s grateful because she feels that he’s shown her what she deserves. I appreciate Victoria admitting that this is a heavy conversation and he’s already had a heavy week. I was slightly on the fence with Victoria P. before this conversation - I couldn’t figure out if she was being genuine - but I feel like if she’s a person who’s gone through that kind of life, I’m glad she opened up about everything so early on. It’s just like...an unavoidable thing to talk about. Might as well confront it right away. 

Peter tells Victoria that a few days before this started, he was talking to god and asking him to watch over the girl he was going to marry and he knew this would work. He says that he’s never been inspired by someone so much in his entire life. She gets a rose, deservedly, and they head amongst the planes to find a cockpit to make out in. I hear it, too, don’t worry. 

At the mansion, Alayah has stolen someone’s captain hat and is generally being a very annoying person? We find out, or maybe confirmed, that she did pageants and she says that because of that people think she’s innocent? But NO, she has a “wild side” apparently, as evidenced by her unnecessary statement that she’d like to join the mile high club. I mean, go for it, girl, but also, just like, be a chill person. 

The next date card arrives. YES THAT’S RIGHT, WE STILL HAVE TO FINISH A FULL OTHER DATE BEFORE WE GET TO A ROSE CEREMONY. “Kiarra, Sarah, Tammy, Kelley, Shiann, Savannah, Sydney, Alayah: I love surprises, I hope you do, too….Peter” We find out that the women have received the date card the night before - has that ever happened? Is there a Bachelor fact website where I could check? Shoot, do I have to make that now? 

The next morning, three women, one of them being Queen Demi, arrive at the mansion and DESTROY the women sleeping soundly in their PBTeen bunk beds. Really sucked the glamour right out of that mansion. I’d honestly be so livid if I was woken up like this. 

The women, ALL of them, not just the ones on this date, head downstairs where Demi, the icon, says, “Okay, ladies, y’all look haggard as fuck.” LOL. Also, Demi and Peter are apparently “good friends”? Hmm. 

One of the women with Demi is named “Champagne” and we glossed over that SO quickly and didn’t even get a cut to Kelsey’s face. The girls on the date get a bag with an outfit for them to wear to the date today and it’s all just...pajamas? Well, in Kiarra’s case it’s a “LINGER-Y” set. Kelley also has LINGERIE and rightfully points out that no one wants to see their attorney on television in lingerie. 

The ladies and Peter seemingly head back to the exact same saloon he was at with Victoria merely 24 hours earlier? They’re here for “Demi’s Extreme Pillow Fight Club”, which, as many people on twitter have mentioned, may have set back women 100 years, but whatever. Fred Willard is inexplicably there, for probably the 5th season in a row, and, honestly, he doesn’t look great. 

The first pillow fight is between Tammy and Kelley and it’s honestly terrifyingly physical? Tammy eventually gets disqualified, seemingly for being too rough. The next fight between Shiann and Savannah is equally aggressive. Alayah and Sydney have moments where they are quite literally throwing each other to the ground. Poor Sarah, who we have not heard a word from, and spoiler alert, never will, gets hit IN THE HEAD. 

Very quickly, it’s the championship round and the two women that Demi says have displayed the “most effort” are Alayah and Sydney? My guess is they filmed approximately 8 championship rounds and picked the one that featured women who had later drama. ANYWAY, eventually Alayah simply sits on Sydney, like physically, and she’s declared the winner. I do love that she wins a tiara and that’s it. I LOVE when the prize for winning a date has absolutely nothing to do with the bachelor. 

They head to a rooftop of sorts and Alayah says that she had a good day today. Peter says that it’s “cool” to do things that bring him back to his childhood. Sorry, but he didn’t participate in a single second of it???? Alayah’s horrible voice asks Peter if he minds if she “kidnaps” him. I hate it so much. Also, how was she hiding this tragic behavior for two full weeks??

Alayah seems to think that his date worked out for her because it allowed her to show both her sweet side and her “fighter” side. I hate it. She tells Peter that she wants to open up to him and goes on to say that she’s been abandoned by people and friends in the past. I might believe this to be a devastating thing for her were she not FULL grinning the entire time she’s telling him this. Is she...a serial killer? Peter has a “good feeling” about her and now maybe I don’t have a very good feeling about Peter. 

Alayah tells Peter that one of her girlfriends is a “pilot wife” and the disrespect she shows her friend by calling her that tells me all I need to know about this girl. She goes back to sit by a firepit of sorts where only she and Sydney are left. Where are they other women?? I’m obsessed with Sydney just straight up asking “Do you like work at all?”, which I thought was honestly an outrageous question, but actually makes sense when she clarifies it by saying that she’s wondering if she has a job while she’s a pageant titleholder. Apparently Alayah has three jobs though? We never quite found out what those were. Alayah says that she’s been doing pageants for 8 years and she’s always been a titleholder and I’m vomiting everywhere. Sydney, a person who I’m constantly surprised by, just says straight to Alayah’s face that she’s always “on” and that it  must be hard to actually show her true self. Alayah’s not pleased. 

Kelley sits with Peter and tells him he needs to shave a little. LOL YES KELLEY. Peter tells Kelley that she’s a big reason that he feels like this is starting to work for him. She doesn’t feel like she fits into this process, but if she didn’t think it was worth it, she would have gone home by now. 

Sydney questions whether she’s the type of girl Peter wants to end up with based on the women he has connections with. Part of me likes Sydney, but also the other part of me wonders if she’s just a woman who hates women? It’s unclear. She tells Peter that she feels like some of the women in the house aren’t genuine which freaks him out. I hadn’t thought of it until he said it, but that’s literally EXACTLY what happened to Hannah last season, so it’s his biggest fear about this whole thing. 

Peter joins all the women seemingly to give out the group date rose and says that there’s something stuck in his mind that he can’t move on from yet. He has concerns about not everyone being real with him and says that he saw first hand when that happened last season. Which begs the question: did he and the other guys hate Jed? I sure hope so. 

Now, Peter chooses to do something I absolutely can’t respect, which is say that a woman told him about her reservations of everyone there being genuine. Then he literally goes “Sydney?” OMG I’M SO LIVID. HOW DARE HE. Sydney has no trouble immediately saying “Alayah”. There’s a brief exchange where Alayah asks if anyone else feels like she’s fake and while no one says “yes”, definitely no one says “no” either. 

Alayah sits down with Peter, who fled after realizing what an ASS he was to Sydney and she immediately starts crying. Apparently it “terrifies the hell out of her” and she was “already facing all these insecurities”? Such bullshit. Her version of “opening up” is saying vague things about something that’s never happened to her. ANYWAY. Peter says that he believes Sydney, but he also believes what Alayah is saying. They return to the rest of the girls and he IMMEDIATELY gives the rose to Sydney which WOAH. I guess he believes Sydney more? 

The next day, Alayah tells Mykenna that she was blindsided and this is all such a shock. Chris Harrison walks in and announces that Peter’s coming over for a pool party! This will replace the cocktail party, though, they’ll head to the rose ceremony straight after. Peter walks in wearing a SWEATSHIRT and acting all mopey. He’s not feeling his best today and feels doubt creeping in. 

Peter grabs Sydney first, again seemingly an indication that he trusts her above all, and apologizes for putting her in that position last night. T H A N K Y O U. At least he knows he was an ass. Sydney tells him that she wants him to make his own decisions and put his focus beyond just the physical. Honestly, many of the things Sydney says makes me think that she literally thinks everyone around her is a pure idiot. 

Alayah, Hannah Ann, and Mykenna seem to be friends, or at least the two of them seem willing to listen to her complain about being called fake. Peter sits with Kelsey, Natasha, and Lexi, all of whom say that Alayah is fake and Sydney’s right. 

Alayah can’t take it anymore and grabs Sydney to go chat. Also Sydney’s seemingly had her rose in her hand the ENTIRE day. Was she forced to hold it everywhere? Or is she being obnoxious? Sydney calls Alayah a princess (again, offensive) and directly asks her if she has emotions other than perfect. Alayah responds by saying that Sydney’s opinion of her is so far from reality. So here’s my take on Sydney as a person: she’s fully entitled? That’s the best way I can put it. She’s fully right about Alayah, but clearly thinks she’s above everyone else in the house. And I’m pretty sure she hates women. 

Peter and Madison have been sitting with their foreheads together while he strokes an INDIVIDUAL hair on her head. He feels confident saying that they had the greatest first date ever and I hate it. Alayah AGAIN comes over and asks to “kidnap” Peter again. Still vomiting. 

Alayah feels like Peter doesn’t trust her. ASTUTE, ALAYAH. VERY ASTUTE. Peter asks Alayah if she can understand why everyone thinks she’s fake and the answer is maybe? He tells her that he believes her, but he wants to see the real her. They’re back on track all of a sudden? It’s very abrupt, but they both leave feeling...fine?

Peter grabs Victoria P. next and says that he’ll take her opinion in the highest regard. We find out that Victoria P. was Miss Louisiana when Alayah was also in pageants so they KNEW EACH OTHER before this. Total, Victoria P. says, they spent maybe 3 hours together, but before they came on the show, Alayah asked Victoria P. not to tell producers that they knew each other. Looking back, Victoria P. does acknowledge that Alayah asked her to lie which is weird. Then she does straight up say, “Maybe she’s not the one for you.” 

Peter’s forced to go talk to Alayah about this now and says that it’s not just 1 or 2 girls who have brought things up, so he’s going to ask her some questions and he wants direct answers. He literally says that she’s maybe been “sorta manipulative” toward some of the women. WOW PETER. Imagine having a fight with him if he was your boyfriend. Like DAMN, he has no filter. He asks if she did tell Victoria P. to lie and the answer is yes? Alayah says that because she and Victoria P. know each other “very well”, she thought they might get disqualified? V confused by this logic. Peter walks away still confused and I finally notice he’s been wearing FLIP FLOPS the whole date. Men in flip flops are literally my nightmare. 

It’s time for the rose ceremony and Alayah says that she did not think she would be feeling this broken going into this rose ceremony. Also, she considered Victoria P. a friend and ally before this? Doubtful. Peter walks in and apologizes for not being able to spend time with everyone. Congrats to: Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Natasha, Lexi, Madison, Shiann, Kelley, Kiarra, Tammy, Savanna, Deandra, and UH OH PETER LEAVES THE ROSE CEREMONY. 

So Mykenna, Sarah, Kiarra, Alexa, Jasmine and of course Alayah are waiting to find out which of them will get the final two roses. Peter’s gone to another room where Chris Harrison is waiting and Peter truly doesn’t know what to do. Chris basically tells him he can do whatever he wants and Peter heads back into the room. Followed CLOSELY by Chris who REMOVES A ROSE. We find out this is going to be the final rose of the night. A final congrats to: Mykenna. BAI to: ALAYAH, Sarah, Kiarra, Alexa, and Jasmine. 

The women slowly file out, with Alayah saying goodbye last, of course. She says that she’s disappointed, but she respects his choice. VERY clearly, she thought he was going to change his mind during that conversation. After the goodbye, we see Peter with a producer in a dark room saying that he doesn’t feel good about Alayah leaving. He feels like he listened to everyone else and might regret this and not be able to get passed it. YOU MUST, PETER, YOU MUST. 

Next week on The Bachelor: they’re going to Cleveland???? Kelsey and Victoria F. get dates and OH SHIT, VICTORIA DATED ONE OF THE GUYS GIVING A PRIVATE CONCERT. Also, Hannah Ann is tackling girls, Alayah (of course) comes back, and Natasha might leave. Are we finally on a normal pace for this episode with all three dates and the rose ceremony in the same episode?? Let’s see!

The Bachelor, Season 24: Week 2

As one of my friends asked while watching this episode, “Are there more people crying than usual?” Chris Harrison must be thrilled to find out that it really might be the most dramatic season ever. This week, we completely and utterly throw out the format of this show with a rose ceremony absolutely mid-episode. What could this mean for the rest of the season? Is the finale going to be like 6 hours long?? Last week, we left off with Peter and Hannah having a difficult conversation while 10 girls he’s dating are writing in a journal about a sexual experience they’ve had. Let’s jump back into that!

Peter says that it sounds crazy that he asked her to come back to the house and gotta say I AGREE. How absolutely wild would it be?? The closest we have to that is Nick Viall and absolutely no one ever wants to see that again. Also, I do occasionally see Nick Viall in person because he also takes the same direct flight to Milwaukee from Los Angeles for the holidays and I’m sorry to tell him ALL DIRECT FLIGHTS TO MILWAUKEE HAVE BEEN CANCELED. Neither here nor there. 

ANYWAY. Peter says that it sucks to hear that she thought he just wanted to be the Bachelor, which was absolutely true, but at least he agrees with my analysis that it was an absolutely SAVAGE comment. The thing about this whole conversation is they’re both right the entire time and I’m not at all sure if I’m on anyone’s side at all. Hannah says that she’s proud of a lot of the things she did, but her decisions may not always have been right. 

The rest of the girls are still sitting alone in this extremely dark theatre just waiting for Peter to walk around and make them feel normal about sharing what I’m sure will be very horrible stories. 

Peter tells Hannah that all he wants is for someone to want him as much as he wants them. He then raises what I believe to be the most valid point by asking her if she’s just missing the “what ifs” rather than actually him. I mean, I’d turn that question right back around on him, but at least Hannah’s honest when she says that she can’t truthfully say that it’s not the “what ifs”. She climbs physically on top of his body to hug him while the camera through the door races to try to find a good angle (it never does). Eventually, he says that he can’t do this, but, unfortunately, he’s fully covered in sparkles. 

He grabs all the women, who have eventually realized that Peter’s not going around to them individually and thus have just started chatting in a group. He tells them that the date card is very accurate because this is awkward, which would have been a funny joke if we hadn’t seen the date card truly 7 days ago. 

He tells the women that he’s sorry, but he doesn’t think they can continue the group date because he’s not in the right headspace. I’m not sure what I thought was going to happen, but it was...not that. The women are PISSED. Rightfully so. Shoutout to Natasha: “Every day I’ve seen you, I’ve seen her.” TRUE. I mean, he feels like a jerk, but he needs to gather himself. I feel like Peter’s going to make me annoyed at him a lot this season, but actually vocalize why he’s annoying to me and that self-awareness might be the most annoying of all. While they’re not going to continue the date today (thank god), they are still going to have a cocktail party that evening. 

They show up to this cool mansion and immediately it’s clear that Natasha hates Peter so much. He sits down with all the women and says that he wants to put today in the past and enjoy the night. The ladies probably will enjoy the night because they’re holding the single largest gold goblets I have ever seen in my whole life. If Olivia Pope’s wine glasses got bloated and bronzed, they would PALE in comparison to these goblets. 

Peter and Alexa sit down first and she kindly asks him how he’s doing. He tells her that in a weird way, today actually helped him, which I actually do believe. Natasha is talking to the other women basically saying how much she hates him and when Peter grabs her to chat she SWERVES out of his hug. Do I love Natasha or do I hate her? I can’t tell. I love that he notices her vibe right away though and just asks her to let him have it because she’s clearly pissed. She says that she’s really upset and she doesn’t want him figuring out his feelings at the expense of the women. YES FAIR, NATASHA. I do have to give it up to Peter who respects everything she’s saying, but says that he’s sure she can relate to the kind of relationship that’s just really hard to let go of. She clearly does relate to this and it seems to soften her a bit. Also he loves how direct she is, which I’ve decided I do, too. 

Sydney sits with Peter, and I definitely didn’t know who Sydney was heading into this cocktail party, but she surprised me. She’s from Alabama and talks about growing up biracial in the south. She describes herself as a strong person, but feels like that strength has hindered her ability to be vulnerable and I gotta say: is Sydney trying to take Kelley’s spot for most normal girl around??? She really is just not what I expected her to be, and I feel like Peter agrees. 

Mykenna has this way of talking about absolutely nothing with Peter, yet apparently wooing him. They dance and Peter is NOT a strong solo dancer, but does okay at partnering. He’s starting his DWTS campaign much earlier than most do!!! Peter picks Mykenna up and sits her down to make out with her - Arie had walls and now Peter has counters! Such a signature move!

Peter grabs the group date rose and says that the rose is going to someone who shared their heart and showed him how much love they have to give. The rose goes to Sydney!! I’m genuinely surprised!!!

From one cocktail party to another: it’s almost time for a rose ceremony! WHAT IS THIS PACING?!?! The girls from the last date are explaining the chaos that happened when Peter walks in to briefly...explain the chaos that happened.  He moves on very quickly and toasts to the future. 

Lexi sits with Peter first and sits is a generous word because she literally has the worst posture of all time. She has to remind him that she rode in the first night in a convertible, or rather, Peter pretends not to know. He presents her with a toy car, which I guess is cute?

We move on to what takes up most of the night: Kelsey’s champagne bottle. We find out that there’s a bunch of girls in the house who are really excited for Kelsey to have her moment with her champagne. Why? So apparently Kelsey has had this bottle of champagne sitting on her counter for over a year and has wanted to wait for the right moment to open it. She wanted to do it night one, but didn’t find the moment?

Kelsey sets up a nice little moment by the fire with the bottle of champagne (it has a bow on it. Did she bring the bow also?) and blankets and candles and such. When she’s about to go grab Peter to take him to this predetermined location and setup, she walks up to find Mykenna has grabbed him to talk to him. This literally SETS KELSEY OFF. She finds this absolutely ABHORRENT that Mykenna would steal him before other girls get a chance to. Kelsey’s telling all this to other women in the living room when Mykenna walks in. My assumption is that Kelsey will ask to speak to Mykenna privately, which she sort of does, but then just stays in the living room with the 8 other women to “confront” Mykenna. 

Look, I don’t love Mykenna, but she fully did nothing wrong here? Kelsey basically sits next to her on the couch and yells and her for 10 minutes telling her that she’s making excuses for her decisions and that she’s disrespectful. Kelsey’s appalled that Mykenna doesn’t feel guilt and, like, I don’t blame her at all??? She even goes as far as to say that no one will give her sympathy in this house and I realize I’m watching a full crazy person. 

While this chaos is ensuing (is the word of the season simply: chaos???), Madison and Peter sit down and talk about their gross date with his family. He has a gift for her, and WHAT is with all the gifts this season? Don’t these people know that these gifts must travel with them to SEVERAL countries for the next 6 weeks?? He gives her a photo of his whole family plus her on the day of the vow renewal. I hate it so, so much, I must look away. 

Kelsey is still in the living room, many of the girls seem to have fled, but Alayah is still there fixing her concealer. Her concealer is seemingly fixed when she goes outside to find the girls who did their best to avoid her. She’s telling them, again, about how this champagne bottle has sat unopened for over a year and she truly can’t wait to open it tonight. Spoiler, but I really do wish we got to see the conversation of her being like “So, Peter, I brought this bottle from Iowa, and I wanted to wait until it was a really special moment” and then you just see his face like 😬and he has to be like “Aw, that’s...cool!”

So we see Hannah Ann circling around the champagne set up and all of a sudden she’s with Peter and it’s VERY apparent shit is about to go down. They sit down by the fire and Hannah Ann POPS the champagne. She even shakes it up, meaning more of it went to waste than was necessary. The sound of the pop + Kelsey’s face hearing the pop = cinematic masterpiece. 

Kelsey CANNOT handle that the champagne was popped. She peeks her head around the corner and realizes what has happened and bursts into tears. She walks around the house for a few minutes and eventually approaches Peter and Hannah Ann and just says, “Excuse me?” in a way I think she thought would be aggressive, but is just sad. She can’t even hold it together for a second to see what their response is before running into a room and shutting the door. 

Peter goes to the room that Kelsey is in and knocks on the door and she refuses to talk to him? It’s so unclear why she would be mad at him for anything truly. Tammy, who at this point, seems to be Kelsey’s ally, goes up to Hannah Ann and tells her about the champagne and Hannah Ann says that she had no idea. Now, I hate Hannah Ann, as you know if you’ve read my previous recap, but there’s truly no way the girl knew. Why the fuck would she? 

Eventually Kelsey leaves the room and sort of walks over to Hannah Ann, but she’s still crying a lot, and Peter’s following her and it’s just truly wild. Eventually she stops walking because she physically has to, but not before she knocks over ANOTHER champagne bottle, allegedly the one Hannah Ann SHOULD have opened and this is really just an incredible scene. These Bachelor producers are working so damn hard to make this drama and the irony this season is top, top notch. 

Peter gets Kelsey to sit down for a minute, a true hero move, and they decide to drink this OTHER champagne, but Kelsey wants to drink from the bottle because she’s “not a classy bitch all the time”. Certainly not. She takes a swig and as she’s finishing her sip, the champagne EXPLODES RIGHT IN HER FACE. I CANNOT, UNSCRIPTED TELEVISION IS MAGIC. Poor Peter having to deal with this crazy woman who’s getting literally everything she deserves in that moment. 

Kelsey has cleaned herself up and is sitting down when Hannah Ann approaches her, for what reason, I’m not sure. Kelsey truly does attack this girl and calls her fake, a pretty princess, and calculated and just, honestly, bullies Hannah Ann. No one likes Hannah Ann obviously, but like, Kelsey lay off for a second, my god. The best part may have been when Hannah Ann, definitely insincerely goes, “I’ve acknowledged your feelings, I respect your opinions, but we’re moving forward.” and Kelsey just goes, “I’m not.” LOL both of these girls just need to leave. 

Chris Harrison comes in to tell the ladies that it’s time for the rose ceremony and Tammy says her curls are falling out because she’s so stressed. Tammy ALSO, though, reveals that she thinks Kelsey is “emotionally unstable” and I knew I liked Tammy!!! Tammy wants Kelsey and her champagne crisis to go home. 

Kelsey and Hannah Ann are standing next to each other as Peter walks in and thanks the ladies for a great night and good conversation. He’s excited for this group moving forward. LOL. Congrats to: Mykenna, Victoria P., Natasha, Jasmine, Sarah, Lexi, Hannah Ann, Alexa, Tammy, Alayah, Deandra, Victoria F., Shiann, Kiarra, Savannah, and Kelsey. Ugh. Bai to Courtney, Lauren, and some girl I’ve never seen in my life? Okay, well this girl that I’ve never seen is wearing a neon pink and sparkle zebra stripe which I personally DO NOT care for. 

The next morning, the champagne bottle is still laying outside by the fireplace when the first date card arrives. “Alexa, Mykenna, Natasha, Deandra, Lexi, Victoria F., Kelsey, Hannah Ann: Time to let you personality shine...Peter”. Mmk. Victoria F. is of course nervous because she does not have a personality. 

The women rock up to the Revolve store on Melrose and this is the first time that a company that seems to literally only exist on the Instagram feeds of Bachelor alumni has made it to the big time. They walk in screaming to find Carson Kresley, Janice Dickinson, and a woman who I believe is maybe named Reesa? She works for Revolve. Anyway. They find out that they’re going to be shopping the store and then modeling in a Revolve fashion show. Also, there will be a winner! The women will be judged on style, technique, and personality and the winner gets everything in the Revolve closet. DAMN. I love that the winner doesn’t get more time with Peter, though. 

They have an hour until the runway show???? That seems INSANE. Hannah Ann picks up the worst hat I’ve ever seen, Mykenna is really confident in her two outfits, and Victoria F. is overwhelmed and crying. She says that she can’t be confident in front of guys and while she’s having an emotional breakdown, the producers send in Kelsey who seems UNIQUELY qualified to handle this nonsense. 

Very quickly, we’ve moved locations for the runway show (literally no physical way they could have shopped, moved locations, and gotten ready for this runway show in an hour, but whatever). Also, the runway isn’t centered with the Revolve logo and it’s REALLY bothering me. We find out that the women will be strutting their stuff in two looks: one for daytime and one for evening and there will be 2 women chosen for a final head to head runway walk. 

To start the show, Carson introduces Peter who is dressed exactly how you would think a white person emulating Kanye might dress. He’s doing a weird moonwalk thing that is slightly impressive, but is not at all necessary? 

Natasha is first and rocks the runway, Mykenna winks and drops rose petals, and Kelsey has an extremely simple outfit. Alexa’s ass is hanging out, Lexi has very ugly boots on, and I have to laugh at Hannah Ann who’s wearing a wedding dress. Honestly, it’s pretty funny. Victoria F., who’s been freaking out the whole time, is INSTANTLY adored by Carson and Janice for some reason?

For the “night” looks, which, now looking back, Hannah Ann chose a wedding dress as her daytime look???? Natasha looks like a “really sexy amish person” and I’m dead. Kelsey comes out with a bottle of champagne and pajamas. Hannah Ann is wearing this damn hat for evening? I truly hate it so much. Though, at this point I’m realizing if Hannah Ann doesn’t win, that would be a complete embarrassment for her career. Victoria F. is wearing full lingerie and kisses Peter on her way down the runway and gotta give it to her, she found a way to stand out without a personality! 

The two finalists, heading for a walk off, are, of course, Hannah Ann and Victoria F. Victoria F. feels “noticed”, which is maybe the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. The two of them wear the exact same dress, which is clearly incomplete, as they walk down the runway and Hannah Ann, of course, like, does better I guess. Victoria F. puts forth absolutely no effort, though, so it’s not exactly a “win”. Oh yeah Hannah Ann does win and is presented with all of her clothes right then and there on the runway. If you watched the final credits, you’ll know that the men that presented her with her clothes were “provided” by “Man Servants”. I may or may not see if Man Servants is a viable company that could potentially send hot men over to my apartment to kill bugs when I see them because I live alone now and I definitely don’t want to kill the bugs, but I definitely do want to look at hot men. 

They head to the weird antique store they’ve been going for the last several years for the cocktail party. Victoria F. tells Peter that today was tough, but she’s so, so quiet in a very awkward way. Like, it seems like she’s mad at him, I don’t get it. She tells Peter that she doesn’t know if she’s cut out for this and isn’t sure if this is worth it for her mental health. LEAVE, THEN. YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO BE HERE, VICTORIA. ALSO WHY DID YOU SIGN UP. She starts crying again and Peter wants her to stop being embarrassed and eventually he grabs her and takes her into a dark corner so she can get some privacy, which is honestly sweet. He says that he knows she’s not like the other girls here and it’s endearing that this is hard for her. Peter doesn’t want her to leave and, while this is a cute moment for the two of them, my god if this relationship is built on him having to just build her up every second, I do not have high hopes.

Hannah Ann decides that tonight she has to tell Peter about Kelsey calling her a “beep beep beep” last night. I have to laugh. Kelsey has had some time with Peter which we didn’t get to see and comes back to the women saying that she feels like she got enough validation tonight. 

Peter and Hannah Ann walk to a very well lit couch and she tells him that today has been very memorable. She then proceeds to tell him that she was up all night crying. EW NO SHE WASN’T. Now, okay, she goes on to tell him that Kelsey bullied her, which she definitely did, but she absolutely does not give a shit about that at all. There’s no way at all Hannah Ann even thought about Kelsey for even one second last night and her playing up this victim thing is a legit nightmare. I hate both of them so much. Peter’s not okay with Hannah Ann being bullied, which is the correct way to feel, I just wish he knew that she just truly doesn’t care that she was called names by this crazy woman. 

Kind of suddenly, it’s time for the group date rose? Peter pretty quickly just says that he’ll hold on to the conversations he had tonight and he sees a future and potential with...Victoria F.??? Truly no way he does, but the girl needs a boost of self-esteem, so, sure, why not. Immediately after giving out the rose, he asks to speak with Kelsey. This is absolutely not the correct order of operations. 

Kelsey and Peter sit down on the same well lit couch and he says that it was brought to his attention that Hannah Ann feels bullied by Kelsey. Honestly, Kelsey doesn’t deny it lol. She just starts telling Peter that Hannah Ann acts one way around him and a completely different way around the house. She pretty lightly denies that she was bullying Hannah Ann and seems to just forget what bullying is when she says, “There’s a difference between me saying not nice words to her face and actual bullying.” Um, is there? Also, of course, Kelsey says that SHE was bullied in the past and this was not that. Lol. Kelsey’s a bully and even if I don’t like the person she’s bullying, doesn’t make it any less true. Peter doesn’t quite know what to do with these conflicting and boring stories and honestly neither do I. 

Next week on The Bachelor: Hannah Ann and Kelsey are forced to talk, Demi is there inexplicably, and there’s a pillow fight of sorts. And later this season: they go to Costa Rica, and to a football field, and Sydney gets to go on a helicopter ride! Madison, Hannah Ann, Victoria P., and Kelley all seem to make it pretty far. Also Kelsey says she loves him, but honestly that could be next week. Someone pulls a Luke and won’t respect Peter if he sleeps with someone, Peter’s mom is legit sobbing, and it looks like maybe someone leaves??? Cannot wait. Until next week, BAI!!

The Bachelor, Season 24: Week 1

We’re back, baby! Both me and the franchise I just can’t seem to quit. Three hours on a Monday night? SURE! I GUESS! This season I’m gonna try to keep up with this whole thing, and, for once in many, many seasons, am gonna try to avoid spoilers! I’m avoiding for a couple of reasons: I genuinely and truly don’t care who Peter ends up with because he’s boring and because Reality Steve’s website looks, and loads, like it was built in 2001 and has yet to be updated. So buckle up, ladies and gentlemen, and get ready for a bumpy ride!

We open, of course, with Peter walking out of an airplane hanger in IMPOSSIBLY tight jeans. He talks about how he’s been in love before and is here to find his wife blah blah blah. We’re quickly transported to his parent’s house, which, through some talk show appearances I’ve learned is STILL HIS HOME. Did we know that he still lived with his parents? I want to say that I don’t have judgement, but honestly, I do. Is this man ready to get married when he’s literally never paid rent?? In his landlord’s, sorry parent’s, home, which is absolutely TEEMING with potted plants, we find out that his family is potentially trilingual??? I hope everyone remembers that insane German chant they did during his hometown last season. Now they’re speaking Spanish? I forgot his family is Cuban. 

Inexplicably, Chris Harrison is now driving Peter around an undisclosed location. Why? We’ve seen his weird car with condoms in the center console before, we know the man drives! Finally, we see a rather lengthy segment of Peter walking through the Delta terminal at LAX taking pictures with people who truly don’t know who this man is. That terminal is nice, though! I wonder if the crew had to utilize the new LAX-it Lyft pickup when they were done for the day (extremely LA specific joke). 

Time to meet a few of the women vying to be Peter’s copilot (Why was this joke not used during this episode? Does ABC not think women can be pilots? Interested in this answer.). First is Alexa from Chicago, who introduces herself as a caregiver, but she also waxes vaginas. I’m unclear if she’s calling herself a caregiver because she waxes vaginas or if there really is another career we don’t know about. She says that waxing is a lot like love: “you have to bear it all”. Hmm. 

Hannah Ann is from Knoxville, TN and is a model. Ultimately, she’s apparently just a “normal girl”. I don’t care for her instantly. Next is Tammy from Syracuse who is wrestling the shit out of someone and she seems wild. She’s a house flipper and real estate agent and says that she loves Peter because he’s a pilot and she’s a jet setter. Apparently she thinks that “if he’s not [her] person, then [she] doesn’t know who is.” 

Victoria P. has a patient that MAY be dying during her intro - a loud beep was ringing behind her while she said her name and that she’s a nurse. She also has a slightly older patient, or perhaps wife of a patient, who asks “Are you married yet?” BITCH. Her dad passed away when she was 2 and her mom fell into addiction, so she was her sister’s primary care giver and had to grow up very fast. Her mom is now sober and it seems like they’re doing well! I’m getting Coach Crystal vibes from Victoria P., but she also might be nice and sweet? Only time will tell. 

Kelley is also from Chicago and is an attorney. She works with her entire family and has overprotective brothers who are, let’s face it, hot. Kelley apparently has met Peter before in California just a few weeks ago. INTERESTED IN THIS. Madison is from Auburn (is that a real place or just a college? I wasn’t paying attention.) and was a state champion in high school for basketball. Her dad, who looks truly younger than her, seems like he was her coach in middle school and he’s maybe still overly proud of that? She also, like, winks at her dad at the end which I do NOT care for. 

Maurissa is a plastic surgeon care coordinator and meets with a woman who BOLDLY states that she’s uncomfortable in her own body on national television. Maurissa was Ms. Montana Miss Teen USA, which is exactly how she said it, but seems redundant. She gained 80 pounds, then lost wait, and says that she’s taken control of her life and is ready to find someone to share it with her. Clearly it’s the editing, but I truly don’t understand Maurissa’s journey. 

I can’t believe it, but it’s already time for the first night to begin: Peter is getting ready at the Westlake Village Inn, OF COURSE and he’s made a choice to go with a bowtie for night one!!! Maybe he’s not as boring as I thought!!! He pulls up to the mansion and I swear Chris Harrison says “Welcome back to your mansion”. Ummm, it’s very clearly not his. Chris makes Peter state, on the record, that he’s over Hannah and just like that the first limo is here! THIS IS MOVING SO FAST I ALMOST CAN’T HANDLE IT. 

First limo entrance is Alayah who has a very beautiful dress and a grandmother named Rose who wrote Peter a letter. Peter has a grandmother named “Rose”, too! I’m sure many do! Sydney is next and seems extremely tiny. She’s from Alabama and I’ve got to be honest, her joke that “not every girl from Alabama makes bad decisions” is a pretty good joke! No notes! Hannah Ann has nothing interesting to say, but Peter seems to like how she looks. Sarah is a medical radiographer (?) and says “hubba hubba” and I’m hiding behind my blanket. 

Lauren is wearing a FIERCE jumpsuit and reminds me of Sienne from a couple years ago? She’s very pretty! Victoria P. steps out of the limo and appears to say a prayer. She and Peter “dance the scaries away”, which I hate. Mykenna is a fashion blogger and checks him out, Maurissa pinky promises him that they’ll be honest and dance like nobody’s watching, and Kelsey thinks that Hannah made a mistake. 

Eunice is a flight attendant wearing angel wings which only slightly distinguishes her from Jade and Megan, who are also flight attendants, but are NOT wearing halloween costumes. Madison comes running in a GIANT paper airplane, which, typing out seems like something I’d hate, but she pulls it off! I love Tammy and her metal detector. Someone told her there was a “large package” in front of the mansion. I’m not sure how a metal detector would be helpful to identify a large package, but sure! 

Shiann brought Peter a barf bag because he’s bound to have some nauseating conversations tonight and I am NOT here for this SHADE that has been thrown. NAWT a fan of Shiann. Courtney rides in on the tiniest toy plane I’ve ever seen and says she wants to be in the mile high club. A man, unfortunately not vying for Peter’s heart, wheels in some luggage and SURPRISE A WHOLE WOMAN IS INSIDE. Kiarra steps out and she’s not even that small??? I mean she’s very fit, but she seems to be of average height??? HOW DID SHE GET IN THERE? HOW LONG WAS SHE THERE? I HOPE THERE WAS AIR!

Lexi drives up in a cool old car and is very flirty. Deandra has a windmill on her back and asks Peter if he’s “ready for round 5”. Payton simply says, “4 times?” which I consider RUDE. Jasmine also asks about the windmill, but in another language and Kyle just brought like 40 condoms. I hope we’re moving past the windmills for the rest of the episode now, but I’m just positive that we’re not. 

Katrina has a hairless pussy cat, and just typing that is giving too much attention to her really terrible limo entrance. Victoria F. has a dry sense of humor and tells a joke that is, decidedly, not an example of dry humor. Also for the record, being boring does not mean you have a dry sense of humor. Victoria F. is also very pissed that she has a letter after her name, which is truly a dumb thing to be pissed about. 

Jenna brings Ashley P. with her, who is an emotional support cow and LEAVES the cow with Peter. This poor cow. Tammy, my favorite, though, thinks that this cow is a pony, which makes her even more iconic. Savannah blindfolds Peter and KISSES HIM, which I actually think is NOT okay and should have been shown on TV and I hate it so much. 

Then, Kelley exits the limo and I’ve truly never seen a man light up as much as Peter lights up with Kelley arrives. He remembers her name, which I wasn’t expecting, and instantly they start dancing and...are they already dating? Kelley tells the rest of the girls that she’s met him once already, which is a good move, because they are going to find out eventually, might as well just get it out of the way. Alexa, Avonlea (not a name), and Natasha round out the limo entrances. Good GOD that was a lot of women. But wait. There’s another limo?!?!!?

HANNAH herself steps out of the limo and I’ve never felt more connected to anyone than I did to the woman (I’m hoping Tammy) who SHOUTS, “IS THAT LEGAL?!?” Mystery woman, I’m not positive it is. It’s unclear why Hannah is here initially, but we find out that she’s here to return the wings that Peter gave to her on her first night, which is actually a very lovely gesture and I DON’T CARE THAT A PRODUCER DECIDED TO DO THIS. Peter’s very emotional and, maybe, disappointed? He thanks Hannah for coming and walks into the mansion without her. 

He tells the women why Hannah was there and also says that he did fall in love with her. Seeing her tonight has given him more hope that he can find love again. He thanks all the women for being courageous and taking this chance with him and raises his glass to the beginning of the greatest love story he’s ever seen. Will it be? 

It actually appears that no one steals him first, but Alayah sits with him first and they read the letter from her grandmother. They share a cute moment when he accidentally think that her grandmother wanted him to know that she likes good looks, when she in fact likes good books and it’s sweet! Also, the women are HAMMERED already? 

Maurissa has been single for 4 years and she and Peter come up with a handshake. Madison actually brought a SECOND giant paper airplane and they play around in the driveway for a little while. ALREADY Chris is here with the first impression rose. THIS NIGHT IS SIMPLY FLYING BY. Someone, I’m not sure who, brings a mini golf hole with a windmill in the middle, he and Lexi drive around in the old car, and he dances with someone very badly. 

Hannah Ann tells Peter that her parents are still together and he kisses her hand because I guess that’s endearing? She seems like a very boring person. I’m OBSESSED with two women watching this interaction because they just say, and I quote, “What are they laughing about?” and a bitch says “She might be funny”. LOL SHE’S NOT I PROMISE. Hannah Ann brought Peter a very bad painting of the smoky mountains and I’m pretty sure she just went to one of those paint and sip places and, like the rest of us who have done one of those, had absolutely no idea what to do with the ugly painting. Peter kisses Hannah Ann and calls her his lucky charm? Why? 

Tammy, ever the star, handcuffs him and pats him down with gloves and pulls a condom out of his pocket which may or may not have actually been there. Tammy is a whole mood. Tammy gets a kiss also! I was not expecting that! Natasha is an open book and gets interrupted by Mykenna who is throwing paper airplanes at them while they’re trying to talk. Mykenna manages to get Peter away from Natasha, but Natasha re-enters with the EVEN BIGGER paper airplane Madison arrived in to interrupt Mykenna. This is truly the level of petty I’m here for. It’s unclear how, but Mykenna manages to get a kiss with full tongue. Peter may have the record for most kisses night one? Where can I check this stat?

All of the women are very drunk at this point and Hannah Ann steals Peter for a second time. Not but a moment later, she steals Peter AGAIN for a third time, this time while Peter was talking to Shiann. Just gotta say here: my instincts are always right, I hated Hannah Ann from the moment I saw her. 

Shiann confronts Hannah Ann about her interruption, but not even really, because Hannah Ann is just like “I want you to get your time!” and Shiann starts crying and that’s the end of the conversation? It’s a very confusing non-confrontation. The next segment, if you could call it that, is just about stealing, ending with Victoria P. stealing Peter from the very boring and not at all dry Victoria F. Victoria F. starts bawling inexplicably. I’m wholly uninterested in this drama.

Peter sits out front with Kelley and he tells her that he hasn’t stopped thinking about her since they met and honestly they’re in love already I’m into it. They have, in my opinion, a very natural chemistry and Peter doesn’t know why she’s still on the market. And yet, THEY DON’T KISS. Why has he kissed 5 other women, but the woman he already loves is left with nothing. I

Peter grabs the first impression rose and heads outside and I’m livid because Hannah Ann is getting this damn rose. He tells her that there’s “room for 2 Hannahs” in his heart and I HATE IT. They make out pretty hard core and WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT IT’S ALREADY TIME FOR THE FIRST ROSE CEREMONY. 

For the rose ceremony, it’s literally noon, which is wild. Peter thanks the ladies for being there and says that he’s holding on to the fact that each ceremony will get him closer to his forever love. Congrats to: Victoria P., Madison, Kelley, Lexi, Savannah, Lauren, Tammy, Alayah, Jasmine, Sydney, Natasha, Mykenna, Deandra, Sarah, Alexa, Kelsey, Payton, Kiarra, Courtney, Shiann, and Victoria F. BAI to I think a couple of the flight attendants and I’m not sure who else? Just one of these seasons, I want a girl to leave night one and be like “You’re right, we had zero chemistry, I’m happy to go home and just hang out now”. And I can’t believe it, but the episode is FAR from over! We have like a full hour and a half of the episode left!

For the first time in my recent memory, we’re using the first episode to actually see some first dates! While the ladies are at the mansion getting adjusted to life after being awake for what seemed like 36 straight hours, Peter is at an airplane hanger, again, though this time washing his plane shirtless. This might be dumb, actually I’m sure it’s dumb, why must the plane be washed? I’m assuming to keep the paint nice, but I suppose it never occurred to me that someone had that job. At the mansion, the first date card arrives: “Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria P., Jasmine, Victoria F.: Look up...Peter”. I love Tammy: “What does ‘look up’ mean?” WE ALL WANT TO KNOW, TAMMY. 

Peter is now flying the plane he was washing and he flies over the mansion and the girls wave and he, out loud, goes, “See you girls soon, alright?” Does he...think they can hear him? The plane, allegedly, lands and the women meet Peter at this small airport where Peter learned to fly. Peter’s invited two badass female pilots to the date, clearly better pilots than him, which I think makes me like him more? The ladies are going to flight school! I think they’re not, but sure we can call it that!

The first lesson of the day is MATH which is an absolutely insane thing to have to do on a first date. Also, they have to know how many feet are in a mile to join the mile high club. Is that a math thing or just a common knowledge thing? Then they do actually have to do like a “if the plane is going this fast for this many miles, what time will you get there.” To mine, and Katie Cook, one of the female pilot’s surprise, someone “actually” got it right. Katie Cook literally said, “That’s actually right.” You see in her eyes she’s wondering how she got there. The next “lesson” is flying terminology and it’s all very dirty and just not funny or interesting. The final lesson of flight school is getting in a gyroscope. I’m extremely unclear how this will help someone fly, but, I guess this is the reason they’re wearing fitness clothes? Shoutout to Tammy: “My husband shouldn’t want me to puke for him.” Honestly couldn’t have said it better. 

Victoria P., we find out, gets pretty severe motion sickness, and also, HAS TEACUP TRAUMA. OMG. Even better than dog trauma or car trauma (we miss your messiness, Annaliese), the bitch went to Disneyland and has never recovered. She does actually get into the gyroscope last, which you have to give her props for, and she does indeed get sick. Though, the sound effect makes me question whether she vomited or had diarrhea. 

The ladies are all in jumpsuits now (again, they clearly did not have to wear fitness gear) and find out they have to do an obstacle course. It’s lengthy. They start with mock turbulence, which is just spinning around in an office chair? Why were there 10 office chairs available in a plane hanger? Does anyone on the production team know what turbulence is, like, at all? Next, they have to open a safety vest, go down an inflatable slide, and go through, essentially, a wind tunnel to get a boarding pass. FROM THERE, they have to find a piece of luggage, go through security, and change into a pilot’s uniform. The first two women in their uniforms will go to the final step of the course, which is, tricycle riding? This obstacle course is SO loosely related to airplane travel, it’s hilarious. After the 99 step obstacle course, the final woman will get to go on a sunset flight with Peter. 

Before the obstacle course starts, Peter kisses Tammy? Right in front of everyone? I’m so confused? The entire obstacle course is rather standard, except for one thing: the bottom of the slide seems to be filled with baby feces? They literally look like they’ve all shat their pants. I don’t understand.

The final two women standing, or rather, tricycling, are Tammy and Kelley. My two faves!!!! Kelley appears to cheat, though I wasn’t really paying attention, so I’m thrilled when she wins! Everyone else is crying! This is going to be a very cry-forward season!

We quickly cut to Kelley and Peter in the plan and she makes an okay joke: “Do you have wifi up here? Because I’m feeling a strong connection.” Peter LOVES this joke. In a way that makes me wonder if he’s never heard any joke ever before? They might have kissed in the plane, it’s unclear. 

The cocktail party takes place at the Four Seasons Westlake Village and Victoria P. is ROCKING some glasses for this cocktail party. We stan a bespectacled lady!!!! Before Peter even arrives, Tammy tries to confront Kelley about her “cheating” in the final stage of the obstacle course. Shoutout to Kelley who’s just like “I’m not quite sure what I should do here”. I wouldn’t know what to do either!! I’ve asked a couple of friends and it’s unclear if I’m the odd one out in being 100% fine with Kelley’s alleged cheating? It’s very clear to me she didn’t do it intentionally and she’s just a normal person?

Victoria P. sits with Peter first and tells him that this whole journey has been out of her comfort zone. Truly in the midst of them talking, he literally leaves, and we find out that he’s STEALING flowers from the four seasons because he remembered that she said no one has given her flowers before. Cute! Also, this act of theft makes me think that he and Kelley are meant to be. She still reminds me of Crystal so much, jury is still out. 

Back at the mansion, another date card arrives: “Madison, I want to show you what forever looks like...Peter”. Savannah is a MESS. 

At the cocktail party, Shiann tells Peter that today was hard for her. Shiann, I need you to calm down. Producers send Kelley in to interrupt Shiann, which of course sets her off into a crying fit, and poor Kelley, again, comes off as the bad guy. 

We find out that this exact Four Seasons is the location where Peter and Kelley previously met. They walk to the actual place they met and talk about how they danced right when they met and I just love their chemistry. They sit down and he tells her that he knows there’s a target on her back and he wants her not to let that affect her. Then, he truly lifts her up onto the bar to make out with her. I mean, DAMN, I did not expect such physical chemistry in the first episode. 

Peter grabs the group date rose, and I assume that it’s going to Victoria P., but INSTEAD, Peter chooses to reveal that this is the place he and Kelley met and gives it to her. I’m so torn! I love Kelley, but this made it worse! The rest of the women make note of this being the place that they met and they all hate Kelley and I hope it resolves itself shortly. 

Time for Madison’s date! Madison comes downstairs in what appears to be the most formal dress for a daytime date of all time. They go on a short drive while Peter is GRIPPING her hand and he drives up to his parents’ house. REMINDER THIS IS ALSO HIS HOUSE BECAUSE HE LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS. We find out that they’re here to watch his parents’ vow renewal? I HATE THIS SO, SO MUCH. This date genuinely makes me so upset, they have completely tainted what should be a moment spent with close family and friends. 

The vows are sweet, but they make Madison talk to his whole family and even give a toast and I’m just cringing the whole time. Madison actually handles it quite well, the poor girl. She and Peter go have dinner in the middle of a park and she does seem like a pretty normal, genuine person. THOUGH, have we all seen her accidental comment on her own Instagram? It’s iconic. She and Peter talk about absolutely nothing and he kisses her and I truly don’t think that she likes kissing him. Or at least doesn’t like kissing him the same way Peter likes kissing every other girl. She gets the rose and they head off to a private concert put on by Tenille Arts, who, I believe, has performed at other private Bachelor concerts! There’s a whole industry for this! But, BUT, it’s not so private - Peter’s whole family comes in to crash the end of this date. Please, please make it stop. 

The final date card arrives: “Lauren, Sydney, Payton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, Mykenna, Alayah, Savannah: I hope this isn’t awkward...Peter”. They head to the Avalon in Hollywood and Peter reveals that he has no idea what this date is going to be. He’s asked a friend to plan this whole date for them and he’ll find out when they do. They walk into the theater and in shadows is a windmill and a shadowed figure. SURPRISE, it’s Hannah again! Poor Hannah, can’t they just let her stare at her mirror ball trophy and cry in peace?

“The beast is back, bitches”. Indeed she is. She tells the lady about her relationship with Peter and how they had sex four times in the windmill. THE PERFECT BEDTIME STORY. Hannah tells the ladies that they have to be comfortable talking about physical stuff and so they’re going to have a share a personal story about sex in front of a live audience. Hate it. The women go off into different corners of this impossibly dark room and Hannah is left behind the windmill crying and talking to a producer. 

Hannah winds up in a dressing room backstage crying by herself and Peter finds her. Her mascara is EVERYWHERE already and we’ve only known she’s been crying for a moment or two. Peter asks her how it was coming the first night to the mansion and she says it was terrible. He reveals that a little bit of him was hoping that she wasn’t just dropping something off that night, that she might come in. Honestly this whole thing is fucked up for many reasons. The conversation gets a little more heated when he asks her if she ever had a thought of asking him out after the show the way that she asked Tyler out after the show.  

Peter says that he thought he wasn’t confused, but now he’s not so sure. He even goes so far as to ASK HER TO BE A PART OF THE HOUSE. SHE SAYS ‘MAYBE’. THIS IS TOO MUCH DRAMA I’M NOT SURE I CAN HANDLE IT. 

Hannah seems like she might be a little pissed now and she gets up and walks across the room to have the rest of this conversation. Peter asks if she regrets sending him home and she says that she questions is all the time. In her mind, there was zero doubt that it was going to be Peter and Jed at the end. WHAT. WHAT IS THIS REVEAL. Peter seems like he’s going to cry hearing this. Hannah says what I believe is the crux of this entire thing: she broke everyone’s heart including her own. OF COURSE she’s going to be confused being forced to see this guy that she once loved because she ROYALLY fucked up her choice and this seems easier than anything else she’s got going on. 

Peter again asks about if she would have asked him out after the show and she literally says that she thought he wanted to be the Bachelor. DAMN. A spicy response IMO. Peter says in a confessional that he can’t help how he’s feeling - he looks at her and doesn’t want to stop looking at her. He wants to kiss her and have had this all work out. He’s crying and this is TOO MUCH for night one of this season. Luckily, this is all TO BE CONTINUED. 

Coming up on The Bachelor: well damn, it appears that Peter and Hannah are going to kiss and that she might actually stay?!?! There’s no way, right??? Everyone else is crying. Until next week! Protect your hearts, my little Bachelor fam!