The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 9

As both Rachel Lindsay and all of Twitter said, that was “devastating”. From the format to the outcome to the fall of our great star, I think all of Bachelor Nation is going to need a minute. Chris Pratt and Anna Farris and Peter and Rachel all in 24 hours?! I mean, give us a break. The only thing I know to do moving forward is write some jokes about it to heal the pain. Let’s do it.

First: this format. No one should be about it. It was 8:12PST and we still hadn’t gone on any dates. I mentioned my anxiety last week because we still had Bryan’s fantasy suite date, a rose ceremony, the final two dates, then the final rose. Also, I didn’t need smug and clearly bitter and defensive Rachel commenting on literally every mistake she made for a full three hours. Yep, you heard it right: Rachel was honestly not anyone’s favorite person last night. I’m not even sure she was Bryan’s. Chris Harrison seemed absolutely neutral about having Rachel there with him to watch the whole episode – I think the perfect foreshadowing of the night came when he had to pretend to be excited about Juan Pablo being married. The audience wasn’t having it and then he literally had to explain why the devil’s name was in his mouth: “Juan Pablo reached out to us and asked us to share the good news so we did.” Clearly they had to do it legally. FINALLY, we get Rachel to lead us back into where we were last week: her and Peter at a crossroads because he’s not ready to get engaged just yet. 

Back in their AirBnB, Peter asks Rachel what happens if he’s not ready to ask her to marry him and she’s just trying not to cry. We learn an insanely important piece of information, though, that we definitely should have learned when she was vying for Nick Viall’s heart I feel????? She was in a 5 year relationship that she says never left the girlfriend/boyfriend stage which vaguely explains her need for Peter to want to commit to an engagement, but I’m seeing a deeper issue here. She’s said for weeks that she’s struggling with comparing all the relationships on the show with the others, but apparently not: she’s cool comparing relationships as long as it’s one that was years ago that lasted 5 years and these ones that have been going on for 9 weeks. BLANKET CAVEAT: MUCH OF WHAT I’M WRITING IS FROM A PLACE OF PURE ANGER. Or I guess “frustration” as Rachel calls it. Anyway, Rachel tells Peter that her emotion is coming from how deep her feelings are for Peter and Peter agrees: he says there’s something there between them that’s unlike anything he’s ever experienced and that it’s worth pursuing. He then proceeds to thank her for showing her emotion – it meant a lot to him and he says that seeing her cry “advanced” his emotions. Mmk. Rachel even says that the two of them are clearly falling in love with each other, so there has to be a way to make it right. I’m surprised, but she does offer Peter the fantasy suite, probably so she can cry in private, and Peter says that he wants to spend as much time as humanly possible with her. In her confessional, she says that she thinks neither of them are in a place where they’re willing to compromise, but clearly she’s not understanding or acknowledging that what she’s asking for Peter to compromise is ten million times bigger than what she’d be compromising. Regardless, they toast to opportunity and more time. Mmk. They wake up and say good morning with their heads sticking out of the windows and Peter says his doubts have started to fade. He feels like they’re a real couple now! Rachel, meanwhile, says that she never thought she could pick someone who doesn’t want to propose. It’s a mess.

Much like his eventual proposal, Bryan’s date is Peter’s leftovers: they’re back at a vineyard. This time, they’re going horseback riding which is objectively less exciting than HAVING YOUR OWN WINE IN YOUR OWN CELLAR WHERE ONLY YOU HAVE THE KEY. But, what do I know. Rachel takes the brown horse because it “matches” her. Lol. Bryan says that he thinks Rachel is in love with him and that he “loves Rachel tremendously”. Could not even come up with anything that makes me want to vomit as much as that fake ass sentence does. It’s kind of an awkward date tbh, Bryan uses his time to tell Rachel that he’s really proud of himself for how he handled her family. Cool, good for you, dude. Rachel’s just not super responsive, but says in her confessional that Peter apparently messed with her mind and now she’s struggling with the decisions she’s going to have to make. Then that’s it! We’re done with the day portion of the date! We go back to the live show with Chris Harrison and Rachel and Chris first asks her how close she was to just breaking up with Peter that night before the fantasy suite – she says she was “right there”. I almost wish she had sent him home then to preserve his dignity and allow us all to still think she’s someone who can do no wrong. Bryan and Rachel head to dinner and Bryan says that it makes him sick to his stomach to think about walking away without Rachel and that leading up to this date was tougher than usual. I do have to give Bryan credit for bringing up that Rachel was weird, though, I feel like not everyone on this show has acknowledged weirdness before. Rachel apologizes and says that she doesn’t want to think about Peter, she just wants to focus on Bryan, but it’s fully too late for that, Rachel????? She of course gives him the fantasy suite card and Bryan reads it and then instantly is like “Thank you, Chris, let’s go.” Like, slow your roll, buddy. I feel like the weirdest thing that Bryan said the entire episode is that he feels like he and Rachel have gone through a lot of ups and downs? Like what??? I’m super pissed that they gave Rachel and Bryan like a super legit hotel room for the fantasy suite instead of the messy apartment Eric got and the trundle bed Peter was stuck with. Bryan says that he’s in love with her and is going to be with her forever and she thinks that their relationship is moving forward in a really good way. Gross. We head back to the live show (PS. Why am I not there, @Amanda Ogen????) and Chris Harrison asks her how she could possibly get over what happened with Peter in order to focus on Bryan. I mean. Rachel’s response is that she had to take herself back to being in the same position as last year and then she tells us that overnights were huge for her - apparently she went in with a list of questions to ask including things about health insurance and credit scores. TBH, I’m still on her side with that one. She tells Chris that rose ceremonies were always the hardest thing for her and it was never easy to break someone’s heart. UH, IT SEEMED REAL EASY ABOUT 25 MINUTES LATER, RACH. We go back to the fancy hotel and Bryan thinks that Rachel tastes better than strawberries (VOM) and he’s also more confident than ever. UGH. 

Time for the last ever rose ceremony: Rachel is wearing what is a pretty dress, but does not seem to be appropriate for the weather or situation. She’s also wearing an ankle boot, which, again, is cute, but not the vibe of a usual rose ceremony, it’s interesting. Bryan is wearing the same jacket he wore night one and I could have SWORN that they showed him with a rose already on his lapel, but we cut to him again and apparently it was just a red pocket square. Also, he’s bad at folding pocket squares. So. Eric shows up next and it so excited and it’s so cute. Peter walks up and we hear Rachel says that she doesn’t know where she stands with Peter and everything she wants right now is not describing Peter. I’M TERRIFIED. She approaches the men and tells them that the only thing she can do is be true to herself with what she wants at the end of this experience. We’ll see how true that is in approximately 30 seconds. Also, she just flat out says that she really wants to be engaged. WE KNOW. Congratulations to our final two: Bryan and Peter. ERIC’S LEAVING AND I WAS GENUINELY POUTING. I mean, he fully was not the right person for her, but I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. Eric says goodbye to the final two and it seems like he and Bryan were closer than he and Peter which SHOCKS me, but what do I know. She and Eric walk out and sit down and she tells him that it’s hard to say goodbye when she has such strong feelings, but she just has stronger feelings for the other two. Then she tells him that she loves him, but she’s just not in love with him. Now, I have a lot of feelings about this. First, it’s kinda bullshit, but also I’m kinda on board with it. For Eric to move forward with his life, I think he needed to know that she loved him, which I genuinely think she did. But, I’m also just not sure it’s true, based on her reaction to sending him home. Basically, he’s just like THE MOST mature and says that he thanks her for allowing him to get what he needs and he’ll always love her, but she’s just completely not crying. Like kind of doesn’t looked phased by any of this. It’s weird because she says that her and Eric get each other in a different way than anyone else did, and yet, she just seems very stoic when sending him home. Then she says that she might regret her decision and feels like she sent him home prematurely. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, RACH, and I was just not feeling her heart on this goodbye. Eric, on the other hand, was just an incredible person in this - he said that he’s going to miss her, the entirety of her, and he’s glad he got to experience life with someone so beautiful. I MEAN, COME ON. Eric drives off into the sunset and Rachel meets back up with Bryan and Peter - Bryan being the smarmy person he is immediately goes and hugs Rachel, leaving Peter seething in the background, then, of course, Peter goes and hugs her next and Bryan has to watch. It’s v awkward, but even more clear that the two of them hate each other. We know that Peter left the experience with a bestie in Dean, but does Bryan have friends from the season? That will be the best indication on which was the better man IMO. Okay, just Insta stalked him (HIS BRAND IS A MESS BTW) and it seems like he’s friends with Will and Adam, but, I mean, he’s so obsessed with FaceTuning his selfies, that it’s hard to tell who his friends are. Anyway. She gives this little toast and then literally looks to Peter when she says the words “what I really want”. COME ON, SHE CLEARLY LOVES HIM MORE. 

Back at the studio, Chris straight up asks Rachel if Peter was right - did she look him in the eye when she said that she wanted to be engaged? YEP, SHE SURE DID. Then comes the reason that this entire format didn’t work: we spend the next 10 minutes with her and Eric seeing each other for the first time. Like, we needed to see this, but didn’t need to see this in the middle of the episode. It’s called “After the Final Rose” for a reason, but this year they thought “The Bachelorette: Live” would work better. It absolutely did not. They seemingly changed the format just to make up for the fact that everyone would have been entirely pissed immediately following the proposal, so they waited until the 2 hour 30 minute mark to actually get there. I’M PISSED. But we’re here now, so let’s talk about her conversation with Eric. First of all, he’s LOOKING GREAT. They would have made the most attractive couple. Also, will never get over him asking her how her heart is. WHAT A MAN. He’s doing phenomenal, which, clearly, and he finally has the chance to tell her how he feels after everything - he admits that he was confused the next day because she told him that she loved him. He also says that it was actually the first rose ceremony where he felt comfortable and I’ve never been more devastated to hear something. Finally he says that he was a boy with a broken heart who had never had love, but Rachel brought love into his heart and now he’s a man. Chris Harrison, Rachel, and I are all thrilled that we had the opportunity to see Eric’s journey. Like how would anyone not just be genuinely thrilled that someone found this experience fulfilling and worthwhile. I’M SO HAPPY FOR HIM. 

Alright, so now back to the actual episode (😒) and time for the shortest date in the history of the franchise. Bryan’s final date is first and boy is it uneventful. Rachel says that Bryan has been a steady rock for her with this whole journey. Cool. They must have started this date CRAZY early because they’re watching the sunrise and it seems to have actually just started. They go on a hot air balloon and Bryan gets freaked out for a minute and Rachel mishears him and thinks that he’s scared of ice instead of heights. Honestly, maybe he is. It’s pretty and they see a family who has all left their home to wave at these two people they don’t know and that’s truly it! What a lame excuse for a final date! They head back to her hotel room and they sit down and Bryan is way too cocky. He says that he’s going to make her the happiest and it would be a mistake if she didn’t choose him. Also he can sleep well at night knowing that he did everything he possibly could to win this woman. Mmk. They lay down in bed for awhile and he gives her “Rachel & Bryan’s Spanish Dictionary” with some words written down that apparently Rachel needs to know - these include “husband”, “wife”, “forever”, and “leap of faith”. Shouldn’t it just have been called Rachel’s Spanish Dictionary? Surely he doesn’t need one, too. It was a cheesy ass end to their cheesy ass date, but at least they both feel like nothing was left unsaid. 

Rachel waits to meet Peter in the middle of the mountains and she’s scared for their date - she never thought she’d be dealing with someone who made it this far and still didn’t want to propose. Honestly, same, but at least he’s being honest about it. He shows up and he literally looks better than ever on this date. Truly sexy AF. They go to this absolutely stunning monastery and walk around for a while and meet up with this priest who wants to show them the Patroness of Rioja. They sit down with this guy and he asks them about their thoughts on marriage and Peter says that it’s incredibly important to him and Rachel looks like she’s judging him SO hardcore. The priest like half gives advice and half is like “marriage is marriage”. Mmk. They go outside and sit on this little ledge overlooking the mountains and it’s very beautiful. Peter tells Rachel that he’s not sure if Rachel is the one yet, but he is not at all ready to say goodbye. He stares at her and she asks what’s up - he tells her that he’s thinking about life and love and everything in between. JUST THE SMALL THINGS. They have a pretty candid conversation and she tells him that she was not at all expecting to be having conversations about if she would get engaged at this point and she thinks he’s running away from this. He says that he’s not, he’s there, and he can see football games and baseball games and the farmer’s market and wine night with painting. Basically, he’s planned their whole future, but he really looks forward to marriage and it’s precious to him. Rachel pushes back a little on this saying that if he feels so passionate about their future, why is he so scared of an engagement? He responds perfectly and says he’s not scared of multiple engagements, he’s scared of multiple marriages and, to him, getting engaged is the same. I feel bad at this point, he’s had to explain his very understandable perspective so many times and she’s just refusing to listen. He tells her that he deeply cares about her, but he’s just not sure if the person that he deeply cares about is the one and only person he wants to spend the rest of his life with - I have to give him credit here, he’s being straight up brutally honest with her. It’s not every day on this show where someone says, yes, I love and deeply care about you, but that doesn’t automatically mean I need to get engaged to you tomorrow. There’s more to engagement and marriage than just loving and deeply caring about someone, which I think is his point. He’s mostly scared that he only has 24 hours to make this decision - the pressure of the timing surely isn’t making it any easier.  Then. Guys. Oh man. Here we go. Rachel goes to Peter’s room and they sit down and have their chat. I just. I don’t know how coherent this will be on my part because I’m still trying to process it. But let’s try. Rachel tells him that she feels like she’s forcing something to happen with them and then he’ll say something about spending their lives together and she’s just very confused and frustrated with his perspective. She feels like she’s not getting clarity, even though, I feel like he’s being insanely clear with her. She accuses him of not being about to do the stuff he has to do in order to spend their lives together. UGH. He finally tells her that he’s in love with her and he knew that today, but he is just not ready to propose - he still wants to be with her, though. She’s still confused because apparently he’s talking about dogs and what size bed they’re going to have and here come the waterworks. Rachel says he’s skipping steps, even though, isn’t his point that he’s trying not to skip steps? She wants the guarantee that their relationship would leave the dating stage and she doesn’t think that he has the same level of commitment as her. I DON’T THINK YOU’RE UNDERSTANDING WHAT COMMITMENT IS, RACH. HE’S PROMISING YOU COMMITMENT AND TIME TO FIGURE OUT THAT IT’S RIGHT FOR BOTH OF YOU. He starts to apologize and I’m getting more and more furious and he says that he can’t act on impulse. He straight up asks her if it’s not enough for him to say that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She basically says no. He’s worried that he’d be giving away his one opportunity to propose, something she knows is important to him, and then she for real says that he doesn’t only have one opportunity. GIRL, YOU WANT HIM TO HAVE MORE OPPORTUNITIES?!?!??!? He wants to know if this single gesture is separating them from the rest of their lives - she all but says that if he can’t propose tomorrow, she’s walking away. I’m LIVID. 

I have to take a quick little break here for my own sanity. I just gotta say, I’m about to get into the meat of this whole thing and I just need to say that Peter is not completely innocent in this whole thing - he knew what he was signing up for and Rachel was very clear with him from the second they met. He clearly made mistakes, too, but in this conversation and their subsequent conversation on the live show, he has literally done nothing wrong. So, he’s not the perfect man, but like, he handled everything with Rachel correctly. Alright, let’s finish this. 

Back in the hotel room they’re both crying a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. Rachel’s mad thinking that Peter is not willing to take the risk to move forward. At this point, I think he’s just so desperate he says that he knows he’s going to lose her and he would propose just to prove to her that he doesn’t want to lose her. Peter thinks that she’s the correct person, but that doesn’t mean he needs to get engaged tomorrow. He tells her that if she’s saying no, they just need to break up here and now, but he’s willing to sacrifice his proposal because it would hurt less than losing her. Oh man. She keeps saying she’s not going to make him do that, but WHAT DO YOU WANT, RACHEL??? She SO clearly loves him so so much, why is she letting this get in the way? She asks him if he would be resentful of her if she makes him ask - he says he hopes he would be mature enough not to be, but he, of course, can’t make that promise. He gets pretty pissed and frustrated, as we all have been, and in the heat of the moment tells her that she should go find someone else to go have a mediocre life. Yikes. I don’t know why, but again, she accuses him of not knowing what he wants - he again says that just because he doesn’t want to get engaged tomorrow doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know what he wants in life. They kind of end it there. They’ve pretty much said everything they can. He thinks they’re both going to regret their decision and I regret it for both of them, too. She, in her own way, told him he was the one and she would have said yes to a proposal, but she can’t get over her own shit. She fully made the wrong decision, I’m broken. He walks her out and they kiss goodbye, or rather pretty much make out to say goodbye, and he tells her he loves her and she says I LOVE YOU, TOO. I’M DONE. I CAN’T GO ON. SHE SAYS SHE CAN’T SAY GOODBYE, BUT GIRL, YOU DON’T HAVE TO. She is genuinely just making her own pain and I’m so so mad. It takes a hell of a long time for her to finally leave without an official “goodbye” or “we’re done” or anything like that. Peter instantly RIPS his sweater off in a fit of emotion and goes back to his hotel room. He’s crying super hard and even asks what’s wrong with him. THERE. IS. NOTHING. WRONG. WITH. YOU. Oh man, my heart was truly broken at this point. Rachel is walking around, now having cried all of her makeup off, and she fully says that she feels like she’s forcing herself to do something she doesn’t want to do. YES, THEN WHY WERE YOU TRYING TO MAKE PETER DO THE SAME THING???? We cut back to the completely silent live studio. I think everyone is genuinely stunned how it went down. I can’t be the only one that thinks Rachel just literally realized her mistake live as it played back. Chris Harrison isn’t sure if it was a complete breakup, even though it pretty clearly was. We find out that Rachel fully cried off her eyelashes which I think is how all of us felt. We cut to a shot of Peter just shaking his head backstage. She said it before, I said it before, but this entire thing was devastating. 

We come back from a break and Chris says that they’re bringing out Peter to see Rachel for the first time since their breakup. I’m already annoyed. She doesn’t deserve the opportunity for this. They hug hello and then Rachel just turns into not a nice person. Seriously. For the rest of their time together onstage she’s condescending, defensive, and straight up rude. It’s infuriating. Peter tells Chris that it was incredibly difficult for him to watch this and going to complete silence with Rachel was super hard for him. He even tried to reach out after and he was told no. He says that he’s shaking like a leaf and is terrified to be up on that stage. I truly can’t imagine. He knew it was coming that day, though, he knew that they were going to have a difficult conversation. Rachel then literally makes up some bullshit about how they didn’t break up because he wouldn’t propose - she goes on to name some other “deep rooted issues” about their relationship which just ended up all being that he wouldn’t propose??? Truly who are you trying to fool, Rachel, absolutely no one believes that wasn’t the reason you broke up. He does admit that their timeline was kind of messed up - they had this incredible first date and then really only one other opportunity before his hometown to really date. It all kind of screwed with his head. But he doesn’t regret anything, there just are some things that he might do differently the second time around - Rachel is now all of a sudden happy that he was true to himself, but girl, doesn’t look like you’re all that happy in general. She then goes on to say like a thousand times that this show isn’t for him and it probably just moves too fast. It’s literally like she’s trying to tank his chances for being the Bachelor just so she doesn’t have to watch the guy she clearly still has feelings for fall in love on TV. Because what if he gets there in time with someone else? That would truly be devastating to her. Everything about Rachel in this conversation is completely and totally selfish. She spent 9 weeks saying that she hates being selfish, but she had to do it to get what she wants. If you’ve gotten what you want, Rachel, why are you being so selfish with this??? If you’re really as happy with Bryan as you say you are, leave Peter alone. You’re looking like a fool right now. Peter does apologize for telling her that she would have a mediocre life, which that is something she has a right to get mad about, but she just seems to be so mad at him for no reason. Chris checks in with Peter and Peter admits that he feels attacked right now - Rachel says “Why do you feel attacked? I’m just talking about what happened.” No. Do not gaslight this man who just had his heart ripped out on national television. Peter can’t speak to any of this anymore and I can’t either and it’s just so not what anyone hoped for him. Even if you didn’t like Peter or think he and Rachel should have ended up together, it’s so clear that she’s treating him like shit for no reason. They end with Peter thanking Rachel for sharing her feelings with him and says that there will always be a special place in his heart for Rachel. I don’t know these people, this does not affect my life in any way, but I feel completely betrayed by Rachel. I know it’s dumb, but literally we all loved Rachel the entire time and then she just completely became a different person. It was so sad to watch. Will Peter be the next Bachelor? Who knows, but clearly he has the support of Bachelor Nation. 

At this point it’s like 10:20pm and I’m annoyed that I still have to watch Bryan propose. Like we know what happens because she revealed on week 1 that she’s “so happy” and “engaged” and just, I’m over it. Bryan meets up with Neil Lane while Rachel literally explains to America how she doesn’t really want to be with this man. She legitimately says that she’s rushing into this and thinks it’s too fast a turnaround after her breakup with Peter. I’m so mad. Bryan shows up to the top of this castle and it’s literally like the wind wanted to completely fuck up the audio for this proposal. It’s awful. He tells her the same thing he said night 1 in Spanish and then tells her that he wants to be the father of her children. She cuts in and fully says that her heart is confused. Like, how can he be watching this back feeling confident about their relationship???? She says she can’t picture her life without Bryan, likely because she just has so much space in her brain now that she took all chances of a life with Peter out of it. He gets down on one knee and she starts jumping up and down like a little kid and for two people who were so physically passionate, it seems very transactional. She’s excited for a new piece of jewelry, not a new life with someone. She gives him the last rose and then the church bells start to ring perhaps signaling the end of this infuriating night. What. A. Mess. 

Back on the live show, finally they get to be out in public as a couple and instantly they’re gross: Bryan proposes to Rachel again on the show and the entire studio audience like barely claps. I’m super pissed that her ring is beautiful because I just assumed that he would have horrible taste in jewelry, I mean, we’ve seen his taste in golf shirts. We find out that apparently they told Bryan there was a “weather issue” before the proposal, but I’ll take anyone up on a bet that it was delayed because Rachel couldn’t stop crying. Chris asks them about their future plans - even he doesn’t seem to really love them as a couple by the way - and they literally don’t know where they’re going to live. Like how???? They haven’t talked about wedding plans and Rachel says they’re “not rushing anything”. Wow, truly beg to differ. They even talk about Bryan’s mom and it’s very clear that it’s already not going great with her! Bryan then goes on to describe the combination that Bryan’s always wanted which includes “sass, charm, and the attorney in her”. So specific. The most normal thing they want to do is go get coffee and walk Copper. I tweeted this already, but there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that Copper hates Bryan. He does not seem like a person that dogs trust. She admits that her family is still skeptical and they don’t understand this whole process. It’s pretty sad honestly. Chris asks her when she knew he was the one - ummm obviously right after Peter left - but she says she knew on her hometown with him. Right. Perhaps my favorite part about the entire night is that they show their People cover and literally Peter’s on it. Even People was like “no one’s going to buy this if we don’t have the guy people really wanted”. Finally, Chris tells them that they’re getting a trip back to Rioja as a gift. Hopefully Peter beats them there and steals all their wine. Such a disaster. 

I’ll end by saying this: this season was amazing. So many good Reality TV moments and Rachel was the best ever. Until suddenly she wasn’t. She’s come out the other end looking bitter and petty and angry and it’s not a good look on her. If she really wants Bryan, I don’t think she’d feel the need to reply to tweets about her. But she is. So I hope she finds happiness because I think she’s just realizing live, in front of America, that she made a mistake. But I also hope Peter finds a girl who doesn’t need him to prove something to him 8 weeks after meeting him. Until next season: thanks for reading and may your life be filled with as many Adam Jr.s, Whabooms, and Lees you deserve. If you’re lucky, hopefully it will be zero. 

The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 8

What a weird week. Oh, I mean to say it was BORING. Other than the last 2 minutes of the episode, like truly why? Also it’s VERY MUCH stressing me out that we only have one week left and still have to get through Bryan’s one-on-one, a rose ceremony, the final 2 dates, and then the proposal all in 2 hours?!?!?!??! HOW. Anyway, we’ve got a ton of weird stuff to get through, let’s get to it. 

Okay, so first weird thing is that they’re in Dallas? My brain heard that and was like “Oh, that’s normal, waiiiiiiiiiittttt”. I totally forgot that the guys are not supposed to be meeting the parents yet. Apparently, Rachel’s sister is 8 months pregnant so she can’t travel meaning they have to push up the meetings to now and the family has to deal with a whole extra guy. Interesting. Also, the guys typically just don’t even see each other except at Rose Ceremonies after hometowns. MY WHOLE WORLD IS THROWN OFF. So, the men are hanging out in this hotel room that I thought was the same they had been in previously, but no, that one I was thinking of was fully on another continent - who knew the interior design in Dallas and Copenhagen would be so similar?! Rachel walks in and addresses the weirdness with the guys and truly all three of them are just not into it at all. Especially Peter. But Peter’s up first so he’s gotta get over it very quickly. Peter and Rachel head out and leave Eric and Bryan there - two guys who clearly wouldn’t hang out outside this experience - and Bryan tells Eric that he hopes Peter sets the bar really low. Yeah, okay, Bry. Peter and Rachel head to a baby store to buy a little present for Rachel’s soon-to-be nephew and his already older brother Allister (sp?). AHH I LOVE BABY SHOPPING. Peter loves it though and says that he absolutely loves matching baby clothes. Rachel steers him into buying something with stripes because her sister, Constance, loves stripes and then we just fully don’t get to see what they ended up buying?!?!?!!??! I WANT TO SEE THE CUTE LIL OUTFITS. While they’re shopping, Peter says in his confessional that he regrets saying some things and regrets not saying some things. He basically admits that when it was down to him and Dean at the rose ceremony, he freaked the eff out and it made him sad and upset to think that he wouldn’t have the chance to talk to Rachel again. 

We quickly cut back to the hotel with Eric and Bryan and Bryan reveals that Peter has told him that he doesn’t necessarily want to propose. Eric is absolutely FLABBERGASTED and wants to know Peter’s “protocol” for being here. Also, Bryan is worried that he or Eric is going to go home before someone who doesn’t want the same things that they do. I guess that’s fair. 

Peter and Rachel finally make it to her parents’ house which is STUNNING. Before they go in, Peter wants to talk to Rachel, so he has to put down the full FOREST he’s brought in the form of a bouquet for the family and finally open up. He tells Rachel that the last thing that he said to her on the stoop of his parents’ house was not what he meant - he tells her that she means the world to him and he wants her to have confidence going into this meeting and that HE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. AND SURPRISE SHE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM, TOO. AHHHHH. I will never get over his response to that: “Yeah, I kinda had a feeling that was true”. Dude. I’ve gone through so many ups and downs with Peter (and will continue to do so throughout this episode), but he’s got some balls to do this the second before he meets her family. Also, it’s like a smidge manipulative, but I can get past that. Okay, so Peter walks in and meets the whole family and they sit down for food and then Peter proceeds to talk, without a break, for the next 4 hours. Or so it seems. He tells the story of his parents meeting in Milwaukee and getting engaged a month later and then he talks about how Rachel looked the first time they met and then he talks about their first date and then the hometowns and then how he came to realize he was falling in love and PETER SHUT UP FOR A DAMN SECOND. We truly do so many cuts of the family, clearly listening intently, but unable to respond in any way. Who know Peter could be so chatty?! After what felt like an eternity, they’re finally free to split up and talk about feelings and stuff. Rachel and her sister Constance sit down and Constance agrees that Peter is handsome (obviously), but she’s skeptical and may even have more reservations than Rachel. Rachel tells her that Peter was like her last season - he’s the most reserved, but she’s not faulting him for that. Mostly, Constance wants to know if the guys are in the same space as her as far as wanting to get married and have kids. Meanwhile, Peter and Constance’s husband (YOU KNOW THE WHITE GUY THEY FLAUNTED LAST YEAR) sit down and actually this man is the most insightful human? He says to Peter that Rachel obviously can’t be a perfect person so he wants to know what Peter’s red flags for Rachel might be. He phrased it much more eloquently than I, but Peter kinda fumbles this question in my opinion - he says that he and Rachel haven’t had enough time together for him to know. Hmm. I don’t know about y’all, but I can give you someone’s red flags approximately 3 minutes after meeting them. I’m clearly a judgmental bitch, but WE CAN ALL READ PEOPLE PRETTY WELL. So, Rachel sits down with her mom and tells her that she feels even better about her relationship with Peter after hearing the story today of how he came to know he was falling in love, but she reveals that he’s told her he’s not positive that he wants to propose. CUT TO: Peter and Mrs. Lindsay talking now and she knows exactly what she’s doing. “So, why do you want to propose to Rachel?” *WINK WINK WINK WINK* “Uhhhhh, well actually, I don’t.” “I like that about you, Peter.” Abridged, but accurate. Peter says he’s not comfortable asking for her blessing until he knows for sure it’s what he wants to do and Mrs. Lindsay respects him for it. Can’t not be on board with that. Also, COPPER IS BACK. I’m thrilled. To close out the date, a yet to be introduced cousin tries to convince baby Allister that Peter’s name is “Winner”. THEY LOVE HIM. 

Eric is up next and both he and Rachel didn't sleep last night. Before they go to meet the family, Rachel wants to show Eric a little bit of Dallas - they go to the Reunion Tower, which I have been to for the following cool and not nerdy reason: there was a Jazz convention there in January of 2014 that I sang at with my vocal Jazz group! Almost as cool as The Bachelor Franchise! They sit down and have like wine and cheese or something in this tower and Eric says that he feels love for Rachel, but still needs to get acceptance from her family. Yes, true. Also, he hasn’t met a girlfriend’s family in over 7 years. 

Back at the hotel, Peter and Bryan fully hate each other. Like would actually rip each other to shreds if cameras were not pointed at them. Peter tells Bryan that he didn’t ask her parents for Rachel’s hand in marriage and Bryan says that he will. Peter thinks that’s ballsy and arrogant! Peter tells Bryan he doesn’t even want to be sitting next to him right now! HOW IS THIS THE MOST DRAMATIC PART OF THE EPISODE?!

Okay, back to Rachel and Eric - I really love their chemistry, but they’re not like the most in love people I’ve ever watched. Out of all of the guys, I do feel like she and Eric have the most open communication which I’m here for - Eric asks her what she sees in him and she doesn’t answer and I’m pissed. RARELY do we get to see the Bachelor or Bachelorette tell the other person what they like about him or her. They both love that every time they’re together, they build in their relationship even though I’m a little bit worried every week that Rachel is just teaching Eric how to be in a relationship. I mean, she’s doing a great job, he’s really picking it up quickly, but they’re not exactly on equal footing in this relationship. So, they meet up at her parents’ house and instantly it seems like the whole family really vibes with Eric - they talk about him being on ATFR and his dance again, and Eric tells everyone that he grew up in an unstructured home. Also, he just fully brings up kind of unprompted that he hasn’t been in a relationship for 2 years and that relationship was only for 8 months? Like this would literally never come up in a traditional setting. Constance is worried that Eric and Rachel are not on the same level relationship wise - same - and this is further exasperated by Eric telling her that he’s never been in love. He also fully says that he loves Rachel, but he’s not in love with her. Honestly, he and Constance have a really good conversation and Constance leaves a little relieved to hear the Eric wants to settle down and provide for Rachel. I mean, I’m just on Eric’s side here - you all know by love for Eric and even though I just don’t think Rachel is the right fit for him right now, like he’s just the best and I want nothing but eternal happiness for him. Then comes my favorite interaction ever, partially because Eric is just such a serious person, it makes his sincerity hilarious - he sits down with Mrs. Lindsay and says full out, straight face, “I want to say congratulations to you and your husband for being together for 38 years. It’s a privilege to be in your presence.”. I MEAN, WHO ELSE IN THE WORLD COULD PULL THAT OFF SINCERELY. Eric goes on to explain everything that marriage means to him, which is, quite literally, everything, I mean the list is like 289 points long. He works up the courage and asks Mrs. Lindsay if he could have her permission to propose to Rachel and she replies by saying that she feels confident with Eric and would trust Rachel’s decision. SUCH A GOOD MOM MOVE. 

Alright, time for Bryan. Rachel walks into the hotel to grab him and Peter and Eric notice that they’re wearing their matching watches - Eric is right: if she hadn’t worn it, it wouldn’t have meant anything, but the fact that she did wear it means something. RACHEL, DON’T YOU KNOW AMERICA IS STILL ON THE FENCE?!?!?! They head out and Peter talks about Bryan’s fake cheeks. He’s got a point. So, before they head to meet the family, Rachel is bringing Bryan to brunch to meet a couple of her friends that were actually the ones that signed her up for The Bachelor. ALL OF AMERICA THANKS YOU, LADIES. But who in production set up this meeting place - the wind is NOT working with this. Basically her friends like that he’s 37 and is looking for something serious and they also say that Bryan has the same confidence that Rachel has. THEN IT’S REVEALED THAT RACHEL THOUGH BRYAN WAS A DOUCHEBAG. YES, SAME, RACH. I wish we could have actually gotten reactions from the friends without Bryan being there, like what do they actually think of him???? Bryan, of course, feels like it was a bit success with her friends and he’s going to make a great first impression with her family. Like, have some humility, dude, chill. So they walk in to meet the family and just INSTANTLY no one trusts him. Especially Constance. Bryan tells them that he wants to love the same woman over and over again for the rest of his life and Mrs. Lindsay just wants to know what happens if his mom and Rachel get in a fight, who would win? “Uhhh, I guess my wife???” YES, BRYAN, YOUR WIFE. Mrs. Lindsay asks again probably to see if she just caught him in a lie the first time and he takes an eternity and actually never answers, Rachel just answers for him. Rachel’s not into it, she feels like he’s getting unnecessarily grilled. No, Rach, he’s getting rightfully grilled because you seem unwilling to grill him yourself. They sit down to eat and Bryan says that he felt like Rachel was his girlfriend since day one and Constance is not having it. She says her gut is telling her that Bryan is a charmer and that he’s not sincere. Bryan sits down with Rachel’s uncle and her uncle asks what qualities Rachel brings out in him. Truly the best question. And yet, no good answer. Bryan walks away, it seems like to avoid the questions, but according to social media, it was to go talk to Rachel’s dad off-camera, and Rachel kinda yells at her family. She’s annoyed with all of them asking such pointed questions and I’m obsessed with her brother-in-law being like “you’re reacting emotionally, we just need to get to know him”. Rachel and the brother-in-law sit down later and he tells her that her freaking out is clearly a reflection of how much she cares about Bryan. I love their relationship, they do not seem to bullshit each other ever. Constance sits down with Bryan and also does not bullshit him and tells him that she doesn’t think he’s genuine. It’s all too soon for her and she says that he has an answer for everything - their body language is not positive. While that awkwardness is happening, Rachel and her mom sit down and Rachel tells her mom that she’s definitely falling in love with Bryan. Mrs. Lindsay does not at all like the word “love” being thrown around and challenges her on the timing of their relationship. They’re essentially at odds with what it means to be in love and how long that should take. Bryan and Mrs. Lindsay chat and Bryan literally says “I will be proposing” and then vaguely asks for her blessing - she doesn’t give it. Well, she doesn’t not give it, she just wants them to take this initial love and build on that. Oof. They walk out and Rachel is apparently proud of Bryan for how he handled himself and they both walk away feeling like it was a success. Eek. 

WOOOf. Okay, now that that’s over, time to head to Spain! They’re in La Rioja which is absolutely stunning and then RACHEL BRINGS OUT A DAMN CARRYON SUITCASE. LIKE TRULY NO. I’M CACKLING. She describes her relationships with the three men: with Bryan, they have a strong physical and emotional connection and he’s the only one who has said that he’s in love with her. She’s worried because her family had concerns about him and she really does care what her family thinks. With Peter, she feels like they connected effortlessly and he was the first guy to make her believe that this whole thing could work. But, of course, she’s concerned because he told the family that he’s not yet ready to propose. And finally Eric, who has a date today, is the most confusing for her - she doesn’t quite know where she stands. He has used the word “love”, but it’s been in a very friendly way, and every moment that they spend together moving forward is crucial. Eric runs up to her and they’re going on a helicopter! Which makes me wonder: what if a Bachelor or Bachelorette just fully hated helicopters one season? Or like hated hot tubs? I feel like they truly couldn’t do it. Eric says that he still has more to express including what he always says “One on one, full of fun, Big Rach, Big E, it’s our time again.” WOW, TRULY THE WORST POEM EVER. They fly over these vineyards and then are dropped off legitimately 10 miles from their destination. I hope the watch Rachel bought with Bryan tracks steps because she would have reached her fitness goal for the day about an eighth of the way through the walk they had to take to get to this monastery. FINALLY, they get there and sit on a wall and Eric is about to say something profound and then Rachel is like “NOPE, WE GOTTA RING THIS BELL, WE HAVE TIME TO TALK FEELINGS LATER”. So they ring a bell three times. Cute! They sit down and Rachel asks Eric what he feels like he learned from meeting her family - he tells her that he knows that she’s strong, independent, doesn’t need much, but also needs everything and wants to do her own thing. Rachel says that makes her sound a little complicated, but it’s true - more than anything, she says that she needs someone who is self aware and secure in who they are because she wants a teammate who can conquer this world with her. It was a weird day date, for sure. They sit down to dinner at another random castle and Eric says that his entire journey from week 1 until now has been surreal. He starts listing everything that he’s loved and his number 1 thing was the hot tub. LOL. She wants to know if that’s because he felt physical or emotional chemistry in the hot tub and he says emotional. Mmk, bud. But, they talk about how they clearly challenge each other emotionally and Eric says that he feels amazing now that he’s had to face his feelings. Rachel, rightfully, wants to know how he knows what he’s feeling because he’s admittedly never been in love before and he just attributes that to her. YES, CORRECT ANSWER, ERIC. VERY long story short, he finally tells her that he’s in love with her! Rachel reacts as a woman who clearly is not in love with him! I’m proud of Eric, but it’s v clear that Rachel likes him, but hearing that from him didn’t exactly make her melt into a puddle or anything. Also proud of Eric for getting the fantasy suite, which apparently is just like a cluttered hotel room? DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT? They wake up and there’s literally just random shit on these shelves next to them. Makes sense that they’ve added this incredibly cute new tradition of the two of them walking outside with to-go coffees in sweats and no makeup. I’M HERE FOR REAL LIFE LIKE DATING.

ALRIGHTY TIME FOR PETER. So, he’s just fully dancing while he approaches her, he’s very excited to see her, and then we find out that she’s super excited because they’re spending the day at a vineyard! They end up in a full cave and this Spanish man comes out and talks to them for awhile even though neither of them speak Spanish. Then, surprise, this man sings FULL volume right in Rachel’s face and Peter doesn’t know what to do with his eyes, hands, or body. It’s weird for him.  But then they get to go to another part of the cave with this personal little cellar and the Spanish guy gives them a key to it and it says “Raquel y Pedro” on it with their own personal wine and I’m CRYING IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL. IF RACHEL DOESN’T PICK PETER JUST FOR THIS ALONE, I’M GONNA BE PISSED. I mean Peter has the only key in the world to this little cellar and they could go back on every anniversary and drink a bottle of their wine and I’m crying just thinking about how beautiful it is! I know they could just break the lock and give the cellar to someone else! I know how these things work! LET ME HAVE THIS, PEOPLE! So, they grab a bottle of their wine and head out to talk and we get the first statement from Peter that he thinks engagement is a direct reflection of marriage and then he asks Rachel how she feels about that being his perspective. Before she can answer this TINY LITTLE GIRL INTERRUPTS THEM AND GIVES RACHEL A FLOWER. MY OVARIES AND HEART CANNOT TAKE THIS DATE ANYMORE. They end up grape stomping with this little girl and Rachel says that she’s definitely falling in love with Peter. This is another scene of Peter not exactly being the best kisser in the world, though, like he just really likes to keep his distance when kissing, doesn’t seem all that comfortable. BUT ANYWAY. For dinner, it seems like they’re just in a hotel room on a couch - how did Eric get a full castle - but Peter describes this tradition that his family has: every time they open a bottle of wine for an occasion, they save the cork, right something about the occasion on it and put the date so that they can look back on it. It’s v sweet. He gives Rachel the cork from their bottle of wine and she writes “To many firsts.” Where that cork be, though?! They address engagement again - Rachel tells him that she did not put her life on hold and sacrifice everything just to have a boyfriend at the end of this. To her, apparently, engagement is just another way of cultivating the relationship. He, again, says that he only wants to get engaged as many times as he gets married, which she agrees with, though I don’t quite get what he’s saying. Honestly, I’m on Peter’s side on this one - I feel like Rachel is taking engagement super lightly in this situation. Call me old fashioned, but she’s coming across as a flighty girl who just wants to tell her friends and family that she has a fiancé. As non-committal and wishy washy as Peter is being, or so it seems, like, he kinda has a pretty traditional view of engagement, which, you know, we can’t really fault him for. He says that he doesn’t really know what to do and can’t figure out what the common ground is on something like this because their views are so polar opposite. Oof. Rachel starts crying and says that for the first time, she feels like she and Peter might now work out. She describes it with one word: devastating. TO BE CONTINUED. 

AHHHH. Next week on The Bachelorette: The men tell all - Dean, DeMario, Kenny, and Lee are all going to confront their editing and hopefully we’ll get a blooper reel! THEN, on the finale of The Bachelorette: Peter doesn’t know what’s wrong with him! Rachel feels like she’s making a big mistake! She might be forcing herself to do something she’s not ready for! AHHHHHHHHH. 

The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 7

Y’ALL. I mean, I don’t think we were at all ready for this hometown episode. I’m still recovering and I watched it more than 3 days ago. I said to one of my friends that I earnestly believe that any of the four remaining guys would be good choices for Rachel – or maybe I wrote it in my last recap? Y’all just feel like my friends at this point. DEAL WITH IT. Well, I hate to say it, but I kinda think I’m rescinding that and it might not be the person you’d expect. LET’S DO IT.

First hometown is in Baltimore, MD with Eric and I am so irrationally excited. I don’t think I’ve correctly identified my love for Eric. Like I genuinely think that he deserves nothing but happiness in this life and I think that was further evidenced with this date. They meet up in the middle of the city and he’s so genuinely excited, I can’t help but be pumped, too. He’s a motivational speaker, according to his Instagram, and he’s fully motivated me this season without even directly talking to me. I’m fully that person that sees an Instagram post that says like “GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER” and then that night I go to The Container Store. Eric’s personality is my sappy Instagram post. They go and just cuddle on a bench for awhile and Eric tells her that they’re in the part of the city that was not where he grew up – he’s going to show her the real Baltimore and damn, does he. They drive around for awhile and he’s driving and just something about when the guys are driving the Bachelorette really gets me. THEY ARE BEING HER MEN. I just love it. They pass through what otherwise didn’t seem like a super rough neighborhood, that is, until Eric told us they were currently witnessing a drug deal. They end up at this basketball court that he always used to play at when he was a kid and they play for awhile – I know Rachel is a superhero at this point because she’s flawlessly playing in a 3.5 inch heel. Rachel says that she loves that Eric is the type of guy that seizes the day and YES THAT’S EXACTLY HOW I’D DESCRIBE HIM. His friend Ralph shows up to chat and he tells Rachel that the last time that Eric brought home a girl was prom. LOL. But I straight up love Ralph. He uses his time basically to just say how proud he is of Eric and SAME, I’M JUST SO PROUD OF HIM, HE’S THE NICEST MAN. Ralph leaves and now is the super weird part of the date that seemed entirely scripted: Rachel and Eric basically have the exact same conversation they had last week about Eric always taking care of everyone, but who’s going to be the one that can take care of him? I do love that he says that all of the women in his family are strong and always said they didn’t need anyone or any help, so that was the same approach he took in his life. BUT, and that’s a big but (LOL), he’s open to letting Rachel help him. Good. Before they leave to meet the family, Rachel says that it’s just now hitting her that she’s the first girl that he’s ever brought home. Am I the only one that just doesn’t think this is that big of a deal? I mean, if he had before and it had gone well, great, it’ll go just as well for her; if it went poorly, great, that girl clearly wasn’t the best. CHILL, RACH. They drive over to his Aunt’s apartment and Rachel is freaking out, but they walk in and this whole family cheers SO LOUD. Like actually so excited that Eric is home and so excited that Rachel is here. Rachel even says that she felt at home 10 seconds after walking in. SAME. Eric and Rachel walk the family through their “journey” so far – first, I had totally forgotten that he was one of the four guys on ATFR and they danced, so the whole family recreates the dance. Also, was anyone else melting as much as I was when they were so excited that he’s gotten to go to 5 different countries?! Like, these people are the most supportive people of this man and this situation. I love it. OMG, BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I LOVE AUNT VERNA. Okay, so Aunt Verna sits down with Rachel and IS IT JUST ME OR DO RACHEL AND AUNT VERNA HAVE THE MOST NATURAL CHEMISTRY OF ALL TIME?!?!??!? So, immediately Verna wants to know how Rachel has been dealing with being the first black Bachelorette – she says that she was not prepared, and nothing really would have prepared her, to be the first black bachelorette. But, she says, love doesn’t have a color, so she’s not all that concerned about it. This is the first time in this episode that she says she has to be selfish in order to get what she wants. Rachel asks Aunt Verna if Eric is ready to commit and Verna laughs because OF COURSE Eric is ready to commit. I fully believe Aunt Verna. CAN WE GET AUNT VERNA A SPIN OFF PLEASE WHERE SHE JUST OFFERS ADVICE TO WOMEN? While Verna and Rachel are having the most easy conversation of all time, Eric and his mom sit down and talk about how Eric knows that Rachel is the one. He doesn’t give a very specific answer, but he does trash all the people that keep telling him that love hurts – he says who cares because that’s life and life hurts. COME ON, PERSPECTIVE. He really full on addresses the fact that he did not always feel love from his mom, which you absolutely have to respect. His mom says that all of the men in his life who ended up on the streets or in jail got so much love from their mothers and look where it got them, so her version of loving him was to keep her distance. She said she did that so he could become the man that he was designed to come. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS CONVERSATION. They’ve clearly addressed this before and are just completely talking openly about their past. THIS IS THE KIND OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THAT JUST SEEMS GREAT AND WE DON’T SEE ENOUGH OF IT. He even says that he shut the door on what was missing with his mom so he could open up his heart to find love. And he still loves her unconditionally! UGH, I LOVE IT. Rachel sits down with Eric’s mom next and his mom tells Rachel that she’s never seen Eric like this before – Rachel tells her that Eric challenges her and that they’ve already come through some low points, but they’ve talked about things and have always come out stronger on the other side. Meanwhile, Eric and his dad talk about how Rachel is everything that Eric wants in a wife. Now this, this concerns me. I love Eric and I do genuinely think that he loves Rachel, but I also feel like she’s just the first girl that has made him feel like this, so he’s putting a lot of pressure on her. I mean, I still love him, I’m just a little concerned about that particular comment. Anyway, his dad apologizes for all the things that he put him through and tells him that he’s proud of him. I’M CRYING. Eric says that when he was 15 years old, he decided he would do something different with his life, so in a weird way, I think he’s thankful to his dad for that. Then comes my favorite exchange ever where his dad asks him what’s next from here and Eric is just like, “From here, I’m trying to shut it down.” “Oh, okay.” Goddamnit, I love watching men have serious conversations. Finally, the family sits down to dinner and Eric toasts to some doors closing, but that meaning other doors are opening, and finally he toasts to all the people there that made him who he is. IT’S TRULY SO TOUCHING, I’M CRYING AGAIN. So Rachel and Eric leave and he tells her outside that all day he’s been thinking about it and then he tells her he loves her! And that means that he cares about her well-being and what she does in life! Okay, way to really dampen the love, Eric. I mean, it’s sweet, but even Rachel is like, “uhhhh, he didn’t really tell me he’s in love with me. Tru. BUT, she reeaaallllly likes Eric and says that every time she’s around him, their relationship gets stronger and stronger.

Alrighty, next we head to Miami for Bryan’s hometown – Rachel says that Miami, much like Bryan, is hot, steamy, sexy, and speaks to you in Spanish. Mmk. Before we can go any further WHAT is Bryan’s shirt? A gradient red to black golfing shirt???? I’m NOT A FAN. So, their first stop is to play dominos at this domino park – apparently Rachel loves dominos? I recently did an escape room with a puzzle that involved dominos, but it’s been legit YEARS since I’ve played – is this a common game for today’s youths?? Basically, this whole part of their date is an excuse for Bryan to prove that he’s bilingual. WE GET IT. They leave and go eat arepas, which I’m jealous about, then they end up at this place called “Ball & Chain” and dance for a while. It’s all going well until they PHYSICALLY COLLIDE and I’m a bit worried about her skull and his chin. They sit in this little terrace thing so entangled and PDA-like, I’m not super into it. She’s super worried because the last time that he brought someone home to meet his family, they ended up breaking up because of his mom. Now that’s something to actually be nervous about, Rach. He is kinda skeezy and says that he’s obsessed with making her smile and then of course they make out for awhile and they end it by him whispering, “THOSE LIPS!”. NO. They head to his house and Bryan forces Rachel to group hug with him and his mom? I would immediately flee. But I love that his mom is just instantly crying. That would be me for sure. The whole family, who is his mom and his dad and then some random girl I don’t think we find out who she is? I only say she’s random because he’s already told Rachel he’s an only child, so WHO THIS GIRL BE? Anyway, the whole family does a shot, but his mom does it so slowly, it’s insane. Bryan and his mom sit down first and he tells her that he thinks Rachel is the one and clearly his mom is not that into it. His mom even asks him why he’s had so much time to go out with all these girls, but he fell in love with a girl on a show??? I love his mom, she’s just like “THIS IS WEIRD, BRYAN”. Fair point. She tells him that he and Rachel just need time to get to know each other. Definitely true. Rachel and random girl sit down and random girl tells Rachel that the aforementioned girlfriend was threatened by Bryan’s relationship with his mom and wanted Bryan all to herself. That girl sounds a little cray. Rachel and Bryan’s mom sit down next and Rachel literally goes through a laundry list of things that she likes about Bryan: she likes that he’s open, honest, secure, and confident. She’s also never had a guy treat her the way that Bryan treats her. Hmm. Fair assessment. His mom warns Rachel that if they choose to move forward, she’d not only be marrying Bryan, but she’d be marrying his family. YES. Then she literally says “if he’s happy, I’m happy, if not, I’ll kill you”. Rachel BURSTS out laughing, I mean, truly what else can you do? Bryan’s mom says that she could see in Rachel’s eyes that she’s a good person and that it was a pleasure to meet her! I mean, PHEW. His mom tells them that the morning of their date, she went to church and prayed that Bryan would find someone to take care of him when she’s gone. I mean, wow, such a downer. Bryan and Rachel walk out and he finally tells her that he’s in love with her and she, like, textbook melts. It’s sweet. I think America all agrees that Rachel is showing her preference right now and like, there’s nothing wrong with Bryan, we’re all just trying to figure out if he’s going to end up being a huge douche. For her sake, I hope not.

MADISON, WISCONSIN! YES. FINALLY. Okay, so Rachel and Peter meet up and they love each other and it’s v cute. They spend their day at truly the most public place ever – the farmer’s market – and instantly Rachel says that she’s concerned that Peter isn’t ready to get married. They walk around for awhile and get honey sticks – are honey sticks a thing everywhere? I got really excited because I thought maybe it was a Wisconsin thing, but surely just sticks of honey can’t be exclusive to the Dairy State. Rachel feeds him pickles and they buy some Bleeding Hearts. Cute! They end up at this bar, which was apparently the place he and his friends went the night before he left to be on the show. Cute! A few of his friends show up – seems like two guys and their wives – and we find out that apparently Peter earnestly told Rachel that he has a group of 10 friends and 8 out of 10 of them are black! WOW, CONGRATS, PETER! Even his friends are like, DUDE, YOU DON’T JUST TELL HER THAT. It does seem like these friends are there just to prove to Rachel that he doesn’t care about race. Okay, so like, he’s a normal person? The other purpose of the friends seems to be that they think of Peter as goofy and corny, but Rachel hasn’t seen that side yet. He asks if he can have some “guy time” with the guys and he and his two guys head to the bar and leave Rachel with these women. Mmk. At the bar he tells his friends that he’s nervous because he has no idea what their relationship would be like outside of this scenario. He also says that he only wants to get engaged once, which is why he’s super scared. One of his friends just straight up tells him not to fuck it up. YES. Okay, so you’ve all been wondering which of the four of them I think maybe aren’t perfect for Rachel anymore. I think, unfortunately, it might be Peter. I KNOW, I KNOW. Look, I love Peter, and I want nothing more than for Rachel and Peter to fall in love and have beautiful gap toothed babies, but it has to be painfully obvious to everyone that he just so does not want to get married, right?! I’ve had so many conversations with friends this week about how Peter is the guy that everyone dates that seems absolutely perfect, except for the fact that he’s essentially gaslighting you for the whole relationship and makes you feel like a crazy person. I HOPE I’M WRONG, I REALLY DO, but I’m concerned. So, they leave his friends and go to Cottage Grove to go to his parents’ house – they walk in and the whole family is sitting on the couch that is in the home of at least one of your friend’s places in Wisconsin. It was definitely purchased from Steinhafel’s, and the convenience of separate recliners and cup holders within the couch is too good to pass up for the average Wisconsin family. Rachel gets to meet his parents, his sister, and his niece! OMG, his niece is so absolutely precious and Peter is so good with her, like I’m melting. Peter immediately launches into this story of grabbing Rachel’s ass on their first date. I just did not expect that from him, but interesting. Okay, so Rachel sits down with Peter’s sister and his sister says that Peter wears his heart on his sleeve? UMMMMMM, LITERALLY COULDN’T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. Rachel tells his sister that she’s concerned that Peter is moving too slow. Meanwhile, Peter sits down with his mom and his mom tells him that she can sense the chemistry between them. I mean, she’s right, they for sure, for sure have chemistry. Peter tells his mom that he thinks he’s ready to get engaged. Hmm. I do love that his mom says she’ll be supportive of whatever decision feels right to him. So Rachel and his mom sit down and his mom asks her what she wants her life to look like in 4 years. Okay, so 1. Weird time frame for her to ask about. 2. HOLY SHIT, RACHEL WANTS MORE THAN 1 KID WITHIN THESE NEXT 4 YEARS?! Like she is NOT messing around. Then, WOOF, his mom tells Rachel that she totally thinks Peter is ready to start a family and that he’s ready for a commitment, but she doesn’t totally think that he’s ready to get engaged. I mean, YIKES. Rachel, rightfully, is like, “uhhh, I’m not tryna leave here with just a boyfriend”. So Peter walks her out after they all have dinner and he tells her that he was “sold” after the day date. I’M SORRY, WAS RACHEL SUPPOSED TO BE SELLING HERSELF ALL DAY?!?!?! LIKE NO, DUDE, SHE GETS TO BE SOLD ON YOU, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. He then tells her that he wants to continue to spend time with her and see how it goes and that he wants to leave it at “I’m very happy!” UM. Rachel and I are both like, ‘WTF DOES THAT MEAN, PETER?!?!?!?!!?” Peter, buddy, at some point you gotta get your life together and not be afraid to tell this woman that you love her. I mean GEEZ.

OKAY. IT’S TIME PEOPLE. Y’all. I’m still not ready for this date to happen and it happened months ago and then was finally broadcast this week. Time for Dean. Okay. Let’s process this together. First of all, I’m constantly surprised that Dean is tall. He has a short looking head, does he not? Dean tells Rachel that he hasn’t seen his father in two years, so he’s really nervous about this date, but before they do that, they’re going on ATVs! How fun! Rachel is terrified of this, clearly, and is driving just at a snail’s pace. We find out, though, that she refers to Dean as her “beautiful surprise”. I’M CRYING. They sit down and have a picnic in a field, which I think the two of them have done like eight times already this season, and she says that she and him are very similar in that they’re not very expressive with their feelings. True. He tells her that this will be the first time in 8 years that his whole family will be together – she’ll be meeting his brothers Brad and Ross, as well as his sister Sky, as well as his dad who is a converted Sikh who now goes by “Paramrup” (Sincere apologies if I’m completely and totally spelling wrong), a name he gave himself, and his wife Suntantar (again, apologies). I mean, I think I speak for America when I say that we just fully had no idea this would be Dean’s family. Rachel asks Dean why he hasn’t talked to his dad in the last 2 years and Dean retorts with why it’s his responsibility to talk to his dad. He says that he’s never ben able to shake the fact that his father abandoned him. Rachel encourages him to address this with his dad – basically Dean has never flat out told his dad that he felt abandoned. I hope he does it, too. So, they walk up to Dean’s dad’s house and Dean says that he’s “legitimately terrified” – I think all of Bachelor Nation wanted to reach through the screen and give Dean a hug. Rachel acts as our surrogate and does it for us. So they walk in and the entire family is sitting on the floor and IMMEDIATELY it’s a weird vibe. Watching Dean experience this is truly so uncomfortable. Dean’s dad says that he wants to play the gong for the whole family, so they all lay down with their heads faced a certain direction and he plays the gong for them. Rachel says the energy felt good to her, but Dean is clearly just not on board with any of this. Dean’s dad then gives this speech about the gift that he’s giving to Dean and Rachel – Dean’s mom loved feathers and said that after she died, feathers would be the way that the family could still connect to her. So, he offers the two of them a “Debbie Feather” and it is honestly so touching and beautiful. Dean doesn’t like it, but Rachel and I are both like, this is actually so beautiful. They eat dinner which is apparently very healthy and contains mung beans – Dean just refuses to eat the food and says he ate before he got there. Then. Dude. Dean asks to talk to his dad alone. Omg. So. They sit alone in the house on the floor and Dean’s dad says that he’s happy Dean is doing something he loves to do. Dean asks “What’s that?” Dean’s dad says “hanging out with beautiful women”. Oof. His dad is also happy that Dean is speaking from an energy center. I’m anxious just writing about this. Okay, so while that’s happening, Rachel and Dean’s sister Sky talk about Dean – Sky tells Rachel that Dean and their dad just have never talked about what happened after their mom died. His sister starts to cry and tells Rachel that she admires Dean for always being so strong because she’s always been so weak. It’s so beautiful to see. We go back inside where shit’s about to get real. Dean asks his dad if he feels like he’s been fulfilling things as a father and brings up arguments the two of them had while Dean was still in high school. He tells his dad that he felt abandoned and that he’s still mad about things that happened when he was a kid and then Dean’s dad says that he just doesn’t understand what he’s mad about because he has no idea what it’s like to be Dean. Woof. My god, that was like a knife in the heart. His dad explains that he did everything he could to make the best life for his family and that after his wife died, he was so angry that he didn’t have the person that was working on creating a wonderful family life for his kids. They start to fight a little more and it gets too much that Dean’s dad says that there is no need to carry on the conversation because they’re not going to agree about anything. But, Dean brings up that they’ve never been able to have this conversation, but then his dad says that in every relationship, the other person is always “you” so Dean is actually just mad at himself and that there’s nothing for them to work through? DUDE, I GOT SO MAD RIGHT NOW. We do find out that Dean’s grandfather also abandoned his son, which makes a lot of sense. Dean tells his dad that he loves him regardless, but his dad just full on walks out. It’s so not what any of us hoped. I still have so many emotions about it. His dad walks outside, throws his drink, and then Rachel approaches him to ask if they can talk – he says “if you must”. OOF. They sit down by this fire and Rachel wants him to know that they have something special and that Dean’s an incredible man. His dad says that Rachel’s only relationship with him (Dean’s dad) is through Dean and then he doesn’t really finish that thought – he wishes her blessings, and he’d be happy to get to know her more if this goes further, but he’s really done. My god. Rachel walks back in to find Dean laying on the floor trying to process everything – Dean tells Rach that he’s falling in love with her and she responds by telling him the same, that she’s falling in love with him, too. He sits and cries and they lay there for awhile and then it’s over. I’m truly so exhausted by all of this. It was physically, emotionally, everything draining to watch. Definitely the most dramatic hometown of all time and Chris Harrison didn’t even tease it as such! I feel like that would have been a cheap description of it, though. I’m glad it’s over, and it was certainly riveting to watch, but damn.

Okay, finally time for the rose ceremony – this time they’re back in Dallas and Rachel says that the only clarity she has is that she has feelings for all four men and SHE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM. SAME, RACH. Chris Harrison weirdly shows up to her hotel room and they have a chat on this couch and she tells him that she’s not doing well. She didn’t think she’d be at the point where she felt this strongly about four different men. She then proceeds to recap the hometowns for Chris – she’s worried it’s just infatuation with Eric, Bryan is so self aware, Peter is probably not ready for a commitment, and Dean has too many feelings right now and he doesn’t know what to do with any of them. She starts crying and I start crying again and Chris tells her that she’s doing well in all of this. Again, she says that she hates how selfish she feels, especially because her selfishness is at the expense of other people. So, I’m an ISFJ, in case anyone was wondering, and there was this Thought Catalogue article about each Myers-Briggs Type’s worst nightmare and mine was “everyone is fighting and it’s all your fault” and THAT’S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS SCENARIO, TOO. I’M SO STRESSED. Finally, the guys are all brought in one by one and, again, I’m shocked by Dean’s height and in walks Rachel. She tells the guys that she’s a place where she’s feeling love and that this week was really hard for her. To the person she has to say goodbye to, she is so sorry and she believes that this person is an absolutely amazing person. Okay, here we go. Congrats to: Bryan, Eric, and Peter. NO. GODDAMNIT. NO, RACH, YOU CAN’T SEND DEAN HOME. UGH I’M SO PISSED THAT I WOULD HAVE HAD THIS REACTION TO LITERALLY ANY OF THEM. Well, except for Bryan, but we all knew that wasn’t going to happen. She walks him out and he’s incredibly stoic and all he really wants to know is why she told him that she was falling in love with him. She tells him that she meant everything she said, but he’s such a goddamn standup guy and just, like, tells her she’s an awesome person and he hopes she finds what she’s looking for. HE’S SO SAD AND SHOCKED AND CONFUSED AND I’M JUST RIGHT THERE WITH HIM. UGH. He climbs in the car and he’s super angry and BYE DEAN, WE’LL MISS YOUUUU! Thankfully, and I mean thankfully, we now know that he’ll be on Bachelor in Paradise, and I’m thrilled to know who they set him up with in the beginning, but for any purists out there, I won’t reveal my knowledge. HOPEFULLY, he’s still in the running for the Bachelor and/or is still dating the woman I hope he is. UGH.

Next week on The Bachelorette: they’re going to Spain! Eric’s never been in love! Peter’s just not there yet! Rachel is frustrated with the weird energy and she’s walking around crying without any makeup on! I CANNOT WAIT.