The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 6

Were they really trying to pretend there was any suspense this week? I’ve never seen a clearer final four, and yet, somehow, the edit got me - I cried more than I expected to. Also, I met Nick Viall this week and I’m gonna tell you the story! Let’s jump in!

I absolutely love that they’ve started going to cold places on this show. It’s like they figured out, after 20 years, that hot tubs still function in cold weather and maybe even look sexier because of the larger amount of steam coming off them. Thank god. They’re in Geneva, Switzerland this week and Rachel is 100% falling for these guys! SAME! Also, I hate to jump ahead, but I think this might be the first season in history where I think if she ends up with literally any of the remaining people, and I’m including Matt and Adam here (I KNOW, I’M SORRY, BUT LIKE I SAID THERE WAS NO SUSPENSE), she’d be ending up with an actual great guy. Cold places and genuinely great guys - WHAT IS THIS FRANCHISE TURNING INTO???? It’s the last week before hometowns and Rachel says that she’s underestimated how hard it would be to let the guys go. The guys show up in Geneva - Eric is looking forward to taking her home, Bryan can’t stop calling her “my girl Rachel”, it’s been months since Peter had a One-on-One, and Matt thinks that this week is really intense. They enter the decidedly not grand Hotel Royal and sit down in a tiny ass seeing area waiting for their next move. Next minute, Rachel floats in with a STUNNING all white outfit and the guys immediately freak out; except for Dean, Dean is the gentleman who immediately asks how Rachel is feeling. IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS, PEOPLE. She tells the guys that they’re going to be doing things a little differently this week - NO ROSE CEREMONY (Don’t worry, producers, we haven’t gotten rose ceremonies in the last 4 years, it’s fine) and there will be four dates. Three one-on-ones and a three-on-one group date. I don’t know why but this format STRESSES ME THE FUCK OUT. It’s too many dates, I’m wondering how they’re going to fit in good footage in such a short amount of time, I’m also worried that Peter is on that group date because they’ve been teasing the hell out of him freaking out, and I’m genuinely wondering if Matt and Adam think they have a shot? They can’t know that they’ve gotten simply no air time. Poor guys. First one-on-one date goes to Bryan. Immediately, Peter starts to get jealous and says that he wants to spend time with her in these beautiful places, he just got Palm Springs. OKAY, PETER, CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE. She asks Bryan to go get ready for the date and, like, maybe it took him awhile, but they way they cut it makes it seem like he literally got ready in 20 seconds or less meaning she had no time to talk to the other guys. She and Bryan head out and immediately Adam says he doesn’t know why Rachel would want a guy like Bryan (mmk) and Eric says, “The game done changed.” Yes, yes it has, Eric. 

Rachel opens the date by saying that she likes to treat her man, but she has never treated a man like she’s going to on this date. First, they walk up to a Bentley that Bryan gets to drive, all while, of course, he keeps calling her “my woman”. They drive around for awhile, presumably to make it seem like they’re doing more than just driving to a watch store, which they absolutely do. Geneva apparently invented the wrist watch so “of course” they have to go to a watch store. Hmm. They sit down and try on some watches and he ends up wearing a black one that’s probably way too expensive - she asks him if he likes black, which he does, which excites her, I guess. She tries on a matching watch and then she announces that she’s getting both of them and she’s paying. Now. Do we really think she’s paying? I’m clearly not saying that she couldn’t afford them, but straight up why would production not pay for it?? Also, the second Bryan realized it was her treat, he full on lays her down in this watch store and makes out with her. I felt so bad for this poor watch jeweler whatever you call his profession person that must have just jumped out of his seat so fast so as not to watch these horn dogs go at it simply because of a watch purchase. She says that 30 years from now, they could be talking about being in Geneva and buying their watches and she’s not scared of Bryan falling in love with her! Omg. They head out on this really beautiful boat, but I genuinely don’t know why they’re on it, we truly spend no time there. 

Back at the Hotel Royal, Adam and Matt chat about neither of them having gotten a one-on-one yet, but wanting to be the broom that sweeps her off her feet. In the other room, Peter is annoyed that Bryan got the first one-on-one “again”, whatever that means, and Dean does not see a future with Rachel and Bryan. He’s mostly worried that Bryan’s 37 and he’s spent so long sweet talking women and he’s gotten good at it. Fair point. 

Back to Rachel and Bryan who are already off the boat and now in some park, they talk about, essentially, their flaws in relationships. Or at least I think that’s what they were talking about. I rewound it like eight times and I still don’t understand the “flaws” that she and Bryan are talking about here. All I know is that Bryan says that she’s selling herself short and she tells him that she needs someone to prove her wrong. Wrong about what??

Quick cut back to the Hotel Royal to get the second date card: “Dean: Put on your Sunday best…Rachel” YES. Adam has no words and everyone says that this is confusing? Truly why? But also, Dean basically says he’d be very uncomfortable to bring Rachel home to meet his family. Yikes. 

Bryan and Rachel show up to this absolutely stunning place which I think is a theater of some kind, but might also be a church. They sit down to dinner and Rachel basically wants to find out how Bryan is still single and how he grew up - he tells her that his mom was afraid he was going to be a bad kid, so she put him in an all boys’ school. She also went to private school, but hers was co-ed, then immediately he asks what her uniform looked like. SUBTLE, BRY. We also find out, I think, that the only time Rachel has had her heart broken was with Nick, which I found very interesting. Speaking of Nick, I told you guys I’d tell you how I ran into Mr. Viall last weekend. Well, the story is not very exciting, but I was at this panel with Reality TV producers, including a producer from The Bachelor franchise, and he brought Nick as a “special guest” to talk about being a “talent” on one of these shows. Whitney Port was also there, which may have been more exciting to me, but she was announced, so I was ready for her. I’m not going to go into major detail, but I must say, Nick came off as a relatively normal and humble human in this panel thing and generally seemed to know what he was doing always when he was on those shows. I mean, he was on 4 seasons, so if he hadn’t figured it out by then, it would have been concerning, but he actually was very nice and kind of shied away from people who thought he was a celebrity. Though, there was absolutely no mention of Vanessa even for a second. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Alright, back to the current season: Bryan tells this story about this girl that he broke up with because of his mom. Thats basically the whole story. He’s a little bit scared of his hometowns because of that experience, but Rachel seems cool with that. She says that the more she gets to know Bryan, the harder she falls for him and then of course he gets the rose. IMMEDIATELY, an entire string section starts playing from the boxes of this theater, like they had to have been there the whole time and I’m sure it was just insanely awkward. They kiss a lot, as always, but the sound effects were WAY turned up for this scene. Bryan says that Rachel is the perfect match for him and she feels like she’s in a fairytale whenever she’s with him. I love how much she clearly loves Bryan, but I’m still not 100% sold on him. Perhaps I never will be. 

Next up is Dean and he’s so cute in his Sunday best! I love Dean so much, it’s a problem. They’re weirdly going to Catholic mass that will be in French even though neither of them are Catholic nor do either of them speak French? They show like a second of the mass and then they literally crash the post-mass gathering and like steal their bad coffee and pastries? All seems to be a set up for them to meet these people who have been married for 40 years, but that’s literally all we know about them. They try to play off this date by Rachel saying that she wants someone who shares her values and who honors and respects her faith. I mean, yes, for sure, but I feel like they could have done this in truly any other way. The two of them dance around the streets a little bit and just wander around Geneva and they for real talk about nothing. Rachel wanted today to deepen their relationship, but Dean keeps saying in his confessional that he’s absolutely terrified to bring her home and she’dhave no idea what she’d walk into when she goes home. At one point, she tries to force him to just be a normal person that talks and instead he just wants to know if she believes in the tooth fairy and what her favorite dinosaur is. Pissed we never got the answer to those questions, though. He never really opens up, though, and she’s worried that their relationship lacks depth. Same. 

Back at the stunningly average Hotel Royal, the third and final one-on-one date card shows up. “Peter: We’re at the peak of our relationship…Rachel”. YES. Eric is scared because the three guys who have gotten one-on-ones have been consistent names for the whole season. I’m genuinely rooting for Eric at this point to just be the positive, fun person he was on his one-on-one. Also, I’m hella excited to see Peter’s one-on-one. 

Rachel and Dean head to dinner which is in this weird hybrid catacomb/Buca di Beppo? He toasts to building on what they already have, which she loves, but she tells him that his date was planned so they could get to know each other, but the date was straight up weird. He agrees and reveals that it was a weird day and he really, really likes her, but it’s hard to put himself out there knowing that he could get crushed. Then, finally, he opens up about how weird he feels about the potential hometown date - he tells her that his family is not going to be the family that she wants to see. Basically, his dad became pretty eccentric after his mom died and he really doesn’t have a good relationship with his family. Essentially, he’s scared because he knows how important family is to her, and he’s heard these other guys talking about how excited they are to bring her home and he just cannot at all relate to that. He, like, really goes for it describing his relationship with his dad and says that he’s quite eccentric and has had absolutely no bearing on his emotional experience. Geez. He wishes Rachel could meet the family he had from birth to age 15, not the family he’s had since his mom died. I gotta give it up to Rachel - that’s a super daunting thing to respond to, but she says that she’s good, she already has a family that she loves, she’s not looking for a family exactly like hers and she’s open to a dysfunctional family. She said that she saw him for who he is and that made her like him even more so he gets the rose and CAN WE GIVE IT UP TO DEAN FOR BEING PROBABLY THE BEST KISSER THIS SEASON? I mean, damn. 

Peter is next and I’m TRILLED. He truly hasn’t had significant time since week 2 and I’m here for it. He runs over to her standing next to a helicopter and picks her up and I LOVE IT. They take a little helicopter ride through the alps and it’s just the most stunning thing ever. I also love that she tells him that not only was he the first one-on-one, but he’s the last. YES. Do we call them one-on-ones post hometowns? Because they’re just dates at that point, yes? She mentions that he’s made her miss him and long for him and I MISS HIM AND LONG FOR HIM TOO, RACH. They end up flying to Glacier 3000, which is a super, like, tech-y name for a natural ice formation. They go on a dog sled and I WANT TO PLAY WITH THE DOGS. They seriously love to cuddle and I love to watch them cuddle - for some reason the producers made them get off the dog sled and sit mid-snow storm which truly nothing around them. I’m not even sure if they’re sitting on a blanket or not, but Rach looks SUPER COLD. Peter opens up and says that there have been some pretty dark days during this whole thing and, to be honest, he’s thought about leaving a few times which scares the shit out of her. Honestly, same. They go to dinner in this weird like Anastasia looking set and Peter toasts to their future - he also says that he fully plans on bringing her home. Now, before we get into the nitty gritty, I have to say that Peter scares me just as much as he’s scaring Rachel on this date. Clearly these two are crazy into each other, but is Peter straight up scared of commitment??? I did not get that feeling from him until this date, and I don’t think Rachel did either. Yikes. Anyway, he explains that when he brings her home, she’ll meet his mom, who will talk the most, and his dad, who he goes to for life advice. In his mind, there’s no question that she’ll like his family and that they’ll love her. Also, he’s never dated a black girl. She asks him about the last girl that he brought home to meet his family and then he just fully moves on to a completely different story? He gets emotional saying that he feels like he abandoned his last girlfriend who he seemingly lived with and he watched her crying in the rearview mirror when he drove away - uhh, Peter, that was so far from being an answer to the question that Rach asked, but okay. At least we know that he was making this other random girl cry and he was blaming himself, not making Rachel cry as it seemed from the preview. He is, at least to my knowledge, the first guy to bring up the proposal and all he can say is that he thinks he can open up his heart again to loving someone, but if he’s not feeling like he’s absolutely sure, he’s not going to propose. Oof. 

Back at the Swiss Hampton Inn aka the Hotel Royal, Adam just doesn’t want Peter to come back from the date. The final date card arrives - “Eric, Matt, Adam: Tomorrow will be difficult. I don’t know what else to say…Rachel”. I mean, fully worse than the punny date cards because this one is just depressing AF. Also, Adam just doesn’t like the word “difficult”. Who cares. 

Back to Peter and Rachel, Peter wants to know what Rachel’s biggest wall is - she says that it’s that she’s scared to be vulnerable enough to let someone affect her feelings. For some reason, at this point, she starts comparing her relationship with the others, which I definitely don’t want her to do, but also, can we really fault her? This guy is all of a sudden a commitment-phobe. Regardless, she tells him that it would be an honor to go to his hometown and gives him the rose. He even tells her that he’s “definitely along the love path”. As much as I love Peter, that’s a straight up line, right? Nevertheless, she says that she has time to figure out whether or not he’s ready and that he’s definitely worth the risk. She’s right, though, if he didn’t want to, he wouldn’t have accepted the rose, he’s been very honest today, if he wasn’t feeling it, he wouldn’t have taken it. But then she says that she sees a future with him and that his hometown could become her hometown - YAY!

Finally the group date - Eric says that he’s not comfortable in this setting while Adam thinks that his relationship is stronger than anyone else’s in the house. Lol. Apparently, they’re out of things to do in Geneva because they’re going to France for this date? Rachel goes on to describe her relationship with these three guys: Adam is someone she’s always had a good time with, Eric and her have had some bumps in the road, but she loved their one-on-one, and she has a soft spot for Matt who she thinks is a good, down to earth guy. They get to France and go to this weird castle place that they’re apparently not allowed to go inside of and Adam gives the single most grating toast on planet earth - he says that he doesn’t like the word “difficult” and prefers “challenging” and that he wants the three of them to make her decision as easy as possible today. Gross. Following the world’s longest toast, they literally all sit in silence and then Rachel grabs not Adam and talks to Eric. He tells her that he can see in her face that it’s been a long week and he wants to be a shoulder for her to lean on. He tells her that she makes him happy and it hasn’t always been like that. Then he goes on to give the most motivational and moving speech and I needed it just as much as Rachel - he says that she’s so strong and that she deserves to be and has every right to be selfish in this journey. Then he toasts to it being hard, but being worth it and I LOVE IT. Eric has taken all of us on quite a roller coaster, but he truly just might be one of the nicest guys ever, I love him. He says that he’s not afraid anymore and he wants her to give herself credit for leading a life that has led up to this moment. UGH, YES, SHE DESERVES IT. She and Matt sit down and talk about how crazy this whole thing has been and how everything has happened so fast. He admits that in this situation, you either have to buy in or not, but he’s really thankful he rolled the dice on this. I can’t be the only one in America who, at this point, was like, OH SHIT, MATT’S AMAZING. But, immediately, she starts crying and saying that he reminds her of herself which is why it’s so hard to let him go, but other relationships have moved past theirs. I do think she’s right, though: had they met outside of this situation and had time to cultivate a relationship, they’d probably be an awesome couple. That’s gotta be a shitty thing to hear: Oh yeah, we’d be perfect for each other off screen. LIKE DUDE THAT’S THE HOPE. But they walk out together, he with champagne flute still in hand and they kiss goodbye and he says that he still wants the best for her and CAN MATT BE THE NEXT BACHELOR???

So, that leaves Adam and Eric to have this weird two-on-one dinner thing, which I don’t think has ever happened because even on two-on-ones, the one that’s leaving goes home before dinner. She walks in and says that she still doesn’t know if it’s going to be Adam or Eric. Lol. She talks to Adam first who is hella cocky this whole night even though no one knows why. She tells him that she could see herself falling in love with him which is why he’s still here. We find out that at some point he told her that a part of himself was falling in love with her, which she wants clarification on, but doesn’t really get. He basically says that he clams up if he’s in a relationship where feelings are reciprocated, buuuut that doesn’t really answer the question. The one thing I do like about him is that he says that he always wants to write her a note or send her a text in the interim of their dates, which I think is like the most normal thing anyone’s ever said. Like, he is a sweet guy and she does seem to care about him, but I just do not see them being a good match. Granted, we’ve seen approximately 30 seconds of their chemistry, but I just don’t fully buy it. She talks with Eric who reveals that it would be his first time ever bringing home a girl. He then goes on to tell her about how hard it was for him growing up - he lived in Baltimore and had tons of family members go to the streets or get involved in drugs and many of his family are in jail. He’s never even seen his mom and dad together. Through all of that, though, he had to figure out life on his own, so he uses positivity to hide the pain. Rachel rightfully asks who takes care of Eric, though? Dude, this question got me so emotional, I felt it so deeply. He says that that’s why he’s here - he’s good at helping people, but he’s here to find someone that helps him. I LOVE ERIC. Finally, the three of them sit down and she explains that today was really hard for her, but all she can do is go with her gut - so, the final rose goes to Eric. YES. Bai, Adam! You’re probably sweet, but I just don’t care that much! Except for when he leaves he says that she made a massive mistake, like, no dude. I love that she says goodbye to Adam and then goes to talk to Eric and cries and is vulnerable in front of him. Even though she’s super emotional, she tells Eric that it’s a pleasure for her to go home and meet his family. She ends by saying that she is so humbled by this entire experience and she feels like it’s really happening for her. AMERICA IS THRILLED, RACH!

Coming up on The Bachelorette: Rachel’s in a vineyard! Eric loves Rachel! There’s a hot air balloon! Holy shit, Dean’s dad is way more eccentric than I think anyone could have thought, Peter’s mom says he’s not necessarily ready for marriage, and surprise, we know that Bryan is going to meet her family. SO MUCH DRAMA, I CAN’T WAIT. 

The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 5, Pt. 2

Back so soon? You betcha. Here’s hoping our two-episodes-a-week days are behind us folks. As you’ll remember from likely having just read my last recap, Kenny and Lee hate each other and thusly, Kenny is going to whoop Lee’s ass. Let’s head back to the wilderness!

Rachel says that today has been a very confusing day and I gotta say, I agree. I like Kenny, and I will end this episode still liking Kenny, but I also kind of hate him on this whole date. I still believe him, of course, but I also hate him. So, we saw Kenny sauntering toward Lee with the creepiest laugh of all time and finally he reaches him and repeats what Rachel repeated to him. It’s a whole lotta he said – she said – he said – no, he said this date and I’m not about it. Firstly, Lee just flat out denies that he said Kenny pulled him out of a van. Like does this bitch not know that he’s on a television show where literally everything was taped and we can roll back and see all his lies? Kenny just says that if he had ever been physical with Lee, he’d have the scars – again, more stuff I believe from Kenny. He finishes it off by saying that Jesus doesn’t love Lee and I admittedly don’t know much about Jesus’ love, but I have to believe that. Rachel joins them again and holds the rose and WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN. Luckily she says that after hearing what she heard today, she doesn’t trust Lee so BAI, LEE! He literally says “That’s okay, sweetie” and I want to jump through the television and remove his cowboy boots and throw them in the water behind him. She tells Kenny that she’s not ready to give out the rose yet, though, so they’ll hang out later tonight and she can figure out if they can move forward. Kenny and Rachel head to the helicopter, but for some reason Kenny decides to go back and say goodbye to Lee? Like he just goes over and yells at him some more and Rachel and I are both OVER IT. It’s so so dumb. Like, truly, why did Kenny have to do this. Back at the hotel, the guys watch the glass doors which are shaped like the Superman S’s you drew all through middle school and finally the bellman comes to grab Lee’s bags. YUP, BYE, BUDDY. Rachel and Kenny don’t even get to have a dinner or anything, he just shows up to her hotel room so they can talk. She wants to know right away why Kenny felt the need to go back and talk to Lee after they had already left him in the wilderness – he says that he’s verbal and he doesn’t bottle things up, so he just immediately explodes when something is bothering him. She, rightfully, asks if he feels like he has a short fuse – he says no, he thinks he has a very long fuse, but if it goes off, it goes off. Basically, she’s just trying to understand if they’re in a relationship, if something bothers him, is he going to freak out as much as he freaked out on Lee? He basically says that if he loves Rachel, everything he says is going to be measured with that, like there will be love in everything he says. I mean, I get what he’s saying, for sure, but it also 100% sounds like he’s saying that he can’t be completely himself or speak openly, he’ll always be censoring himself. Hmm. He’s a romantic, which is why he’s still here, and he thinks that there’s still something between them – she agrees and likes that he took the time to build up a friendship with him and appreciates his sincerity. I do think they really like each other and I’m glad that he gets the rose, but like, how do you actually come back from something like this? He gets to facetime with his daughter again during his confessional and she says she wishes he could come home and I’m crying so much. Then she says that he deserves to be happy and I’M CRYING EVEN MORE. Omg. My heart can’t take it. He even says that most of him wants to be home with his daughter, but he’s not done here yet.

So, it should be made clear that apparently cocktail parties before rose ceremonies exist anymore on this season and I’m very sad about it. Josiah, while getting ready for the rose ceremony says that they’re at a stage where everyone here as some kind of connection with Rachel, but he still thinks he’s going to be the last man standing. No. Rachel’s ready in the sparkliest best dress ever and the guys have to walk into this castle carrying their own lanterns. They even kept in a second of a producer telling Peter he’s not carrying the lantern well enough. Lol. I love Rachel’s blunt speeches right before she hands out the roses, by the way – tonight she says that she has to focus on the relationships that might last forever, and, oh yeah, to the guys going home tonight, she just doesn’t see them as her husband. Damn. Congrats to Dean, Eric, Peter, Alex, Adam, and Matt. Bai to Anthony and Josiah! Yep, that’s what you get Josiah for not trying to know this woman at all! He turns into a straight up ASS and says that she has bad judgment and it’s weird who she kept in the house. He even calls Alex a KGB spy. Like, dude, you are absolutely a piece of shit if this is your reaction to getting sent home. I felt like Tyra in her iconic ANTM moment – “WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!”. Josiah was like everyone’s pick during his intro in Week 1 and he slowly but surely became a huge asshole. BAI JOSIAH, WE WON’T MISS YOU!

They head to Copenhagen next which I want to go to really badly and the boys get to go out for beers again! I love this camaraderie! They get to the hotel and the first date card arrives: “Eric: I’m cOPEN to love. – Rachel” Don’t love that. Eric feels like he has some momentum and he goes to meet her in a boat and literally he’s so excited I love him again. Spoiler alert, but Eric is absolutely great on this date. She tells him that she loves his energy and they’re going to explore the city together. They hope in a boat and go down this canal and Rachel’s “fun fact” is that sailors used to live in the houses that line the water. YEAH, I WOULD ASSUME. They talk about how many kids they want – Rachel wants 4 and Eric wants 10 and Rachel almost immediately runs out of the boat hahah. They sit down at a little outdoor café or restaurant and this old man assumes they were already married and they’re honestly really cute and seem to have just the absolute best time together. They end up in the middle of this public square where there are hot tubs and they jump in and there’s some weird nudey men who love standing up showing their bits to them. It’s genuinely such a fun date to watch, I love it.

We cut back to the hotel to see the next date card: “Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, Adam: I’ve taken a Viking to you guys. – Rachel” Mmk. That means Will gets a one-on-one! I’m kinda excited! Kenny is not. Dude, you just got a two-on-one. CHILL.

For the evening, Eric and Rachel head to this place called Tivoli, which is apparently the second most visited amusement park in the world. They do bumper cars and play carnival games and go on the carousel and it’s just so fun. Rachel even says that she and Eric are like two big kids and likens them to being childhood boyfriend and girlfriend, which I feel is the best description for their relationship so far. They sit down for burgers (burgers!!!!) and Eric says that he’s a cool square. Truly the PERFECT description for him. He tells Rachel that he never really got love in his life including from his mom and he constantly felt alone. As an adult, every time he came close to love, he started to run, but with Rachel, he’s just letting himself fall and he feels out of control in a good way. She loves his opening up and says that he reminds her a lot of herself and her hesitancy in falling in love. He ends by saying that he’s willing to do whatever it takes to fall in love and now he’s ready. I LOVE IT. She loves that she never questions where she stands with him and then he says that she’s the one for him! What a roller coaster Eric has taken us on, but I am fully back to loving him. Rachel even says she can’t wait to have another date with him! THE BEST SIGN!

Time for the group date and they’re going on a Viking ship. Rachel’s cape is absolutely phenomenal, but not more phenomenal than all these guys are at rowing this boat. It’s quite impressive. Peter is sitting behind Rachel and Bryan is to her left and I’m obsessed. They dock and end up in ANOTHER FIELD with Tom and Morton, the two greatest television characters of the decade. Tom is a whacking fighting instructor who knows a lot about fighting and Viking time and Morton knows exactly the same as Tom. Someone give these two a sketch show right the hell now. Again, the men have to dress up, or as Alex more plainly puts it: “group dates are about dressing up and physical competition”, which obviously means they’re meant for him. They honestly do all look sorta hot in their Viking outfits and Dean has even remembered to keep his undergarments inside his pants! They play these weird Viking games including one called “grease stick”. Adam says that he’s a silent assassin because he looks the most raggedy out of all these guys. The crazy thing about all these Viking games, barring Grease Stick, is that they’re all just designed to kill each other. It does look pretty fun, though, and apparently there were some decisive games which left Kenny and Adam to battle it out for the win. The final competition is them with fake swords and shields trying to kick the other one outside of the ring. Kenny wins, of course, but not before both of them get hid in IDENTICAL places on their left eyebrows and they bleed a lot. Cool! For the cocktail party, Rachel toasts to the guys pillaging her feelings and raiding her heart. Ha. Bryan grabs Rachel first and first things first, they make out. Bryan envisions their future and it’s amazing. She accuses him of being an optimist whereas she would be considered a pessimist compared to him – she’s mostly worried that they live in two different places and that his family won’t like her. She’s clearly so  ready to go to his hometown already. She says that the thing she likes most about Bryan is that he accepts her, flaws and all, and she’s never had that before. YOU GO GET YOUR MAN, RACH! She next tells Peter that the thing that attracted her to him first was that he was nervous and then HE SAYS SHE’S HIS MUSE OMG OMG OMG. Y’all so many men are straight up plucking my heart strings this season, I don’t know if I can last another 5 weeks! She, again, loves that she never has to question where she stands with Peter. We do some quick cuts of her sitting on Dean’s lap, her laughing with Alex, and Adam saying that he thinks love may potentially be in front of him. She sits down with Matt and uses her entire time with him to see how Kenny is. She finally has some time with Kenny and WE LEARN HER DRINK – SHE DRINKS A MANHATTAN. Good for you, Rach. Kenny tells Rachel that it’s getting more and more difficult for him to stay here with his daughter at home and that, if he’s honest, he’s not completely comfortable with where their relationship is so far. They both kind of admit that something’s lacking with the relationship, but they’re not sure what it is. He’s super concerned about bringing Rachel home to meet Makenzi and of course Rachel is also concerned about taking that big of a step. They both agree that the best thing for him would be to go home to his daughter – maybe, maybe they could get there, but they both respect each other enough to say that they’re not meant to be and that’s fine. She walks him out to the car, they kiss goodbye and I’m just so amazed at the maturity from both of them. Kenny says that if Makenzi grew up to be like Rachel, he’ll know he did his job. THAT’S IT, I’M DONE, I’M STILL CRYING ABOUT IT. He calls his daughter and tells her he’s coming home and she says that she’s proud of him. UGH, IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL AND I’M ALSO SAD ABOUT KENNY AND IT’S JUST A LOT OF EMOTIONS. She walks back in to tell the guys and doesn’t dwell on it too much and Peter walks away with the group date rose. It was a stand up day for sure.

Alright, after all that damn EMOTION, it’s time for Will’s one-on-one. She tells him they’re heading to Sweden, which seems fun, and they just sorta walk around on the streets of Sweden exploring. They do physically fit together very well, like they look like they’d make a really cute couple. They’re in a café getting coffee and this older couple sits down with them – they’ve been married for 35 years and they met dancing! I feel like this is genuinely Rachel’s dream right now. She notes, though, that there does seem to be something missing with Will. They’ve basically only had a peck of a kiss and are barely holding hands. They end up at the top of this castle overlooking the sea and it’s stunning, but Will is making absolutely no moves at all. It’s not Jack Stone level cringe-worthy, but I think all of America wanted to grab Will by his collar and shake him around a little for not making this woman feel special. They go to dinner in this old brewery and I want to go to it rn. Rachel toasts to moving forward (yikes) and admits that she doesn’t really know that much about Will. Will instantly says that he usually dates white girls and she’s a little thrown off by it – they grew up basically the same way, but she definitely wouldn’t say that she’s mostly dated white guys. He basically just “blames” his dating experience, if we want to call it that, on his community, but she says they just ended up taking different paths. She asks him to describe what he’s like as a boyfriend and he says that he’s caring and attentive and also passionate and a very physically intimate person. Hmmmmmmmm. Hearing that, she’s really disappointed that she has not at all seen that side of Will. I love that right away she just kind of shuts it down – she grabs the rose and says that they’ve built up this friendship and hearing him talk about how he usually is in relationships, clearly she can tell that he’s just not really that attracted to her. She sends him home, you can tell he feels a little foolish, but dude, you can’t help who you’re attracted to. She’s mostly disappointed because she had really high expectations for her time with Will and it didn’t really pan out. Will seems like a cool guy, for sure, but you could tell pretty early on that he wasn’t all that into her. Good for her for cutting him loose then and there.

So, again, the cocktail party has been cancelled and everyone is very emotional and she’s already crying. She walks into the rose ceremony, clearly very emotional, and starts her speech – she woke up today, looked over at the castle that inspired Hamlet and thought of the Shakespeare quote: “To thine owns self be true”. She starts to get really emotional and has to leave. She takes time to gather herself and returns to the guys and says that the guy she’s saying goodbye to tonight is going to be the hardest goodbye. Congrats to: Bryan, Matt, Dean, and Adam. Bai to Alex! Noooo, I’m very sad! I mean, I knew they weren’t in it to the end, but I love Alex! She admits that they had a really strong connection, but it’s just not at the same place as the rest of the guys. Really? Adam and Matt? They both seem like cool guys, we just haven’t seen anything with them. We’ll miss you, Alex!

Next time on The Bachelorette: she’s crying way, way too much and Peter is blaming himself for the tears. NOOOO. Apparently after one of the nights, she’s going to have a hard time falling in love! TOO MUCH DRAMA! But also, YAHS FINALLY DRESS. Goddamn, I love this show. Until then!

The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 5, Pt. 1

Don’t these damn producers know my commitment to recapping this show? TWO SEPARATE TWO HOUR EPISODES???? My little fingers can’t take it! Previously on The Bachelorette: ego and jealousy! Everyone hates Lee! Lee is a piece of garbage and there’s gonna be a fight! Let’s jump in to the first ep!

We’re back at the South Carolina yacht club where all the drama is going down. Kenny goes to grab Lee so the two of them can chat – about what, I’m not really sure. Was anyone really expecting this conversation to end up resolving everything? Lee is a huge dick and just walks outside with Kenny and immediately is like “What the hell? What the hell is happening?” UH, WHAT’S HAPPENING IS YOU’RE A MONSTER, LEE. Also, Iggy interjects and says that he won’t get involved unless someone is throwing punches. L. O. L. We also find out that Peter hates Lee, thankfully. Then we cut to the single best lit boat in the entire world where Bryan and Rachel are essentially sitting on each other’s laps. They have a slightly sugary sweet conversation about how the other is too good for them and for that reason, Bryan thinks they’re a perfect match. I’ll say it here and now: I really like Bryan, and it’s clear Rachel likes Bryan and is likely to win at this point, but like, his level of cheesiness makes me think he might be a secret ass. Maybe not, I mean, I think he’s the oldest guy on this show they’ve ever had, so maybe he’s over the whole faking things for attention, but I’m not sure. Jury’s out. But we get to watch them make out a lot again after he tells Rachel that they’re going to fall in love and he’s going in with blind faith. I do have to give it up to him for just ignoring all the drama, lord knows that has to be tempting to talk about. We cut back to Lee and Kenny and Kenny tells him that he talked to Rachel about the situation and stupid Lee won’t shut up to let Kenny say anything. Kenny says that the main reason that he’s upset is because Lee told Rachel that he’s aggressive. Lee, again, just won’t stop talking over Kenny and finally Kenny’s like “You’re a disingenuous snake and I’m calling you on it.” Mmk. We cut to a shot of Will and Iggy talking and Will saying that Lee is his own worst enemy and then the two of them look outside at Kenny and Lee and Will just goes “They are pointing very aggressively, though.” Lolololololol. Kenny is a man of metaphors and calls Lee a “dime store psychologist”, which I must admit I don’t fully understand. I mean, it’s a very extended scene of Lee trying to provoke Kenny and, luckily, Kenny doesn’t get aggressive or do anything stupid, but also, Kenny needs to just leave this guy alone, like clearly he’s always going to be an ass, you’re just making yourself look like you can’t handle these little pests. Lee even says that he doesn’t really care about anything Kenny’s saying because clearly he’s in Kenny’s head. Rachel returns and gives Bryan the group date rose because he’s confident in who he is and their relationship and he isn’t afraid to show it. She gets up and leaves and Kenny seems to be being nice and tells Bryan congratulations, but includes a jab to Lee about what happens when you’re not being a “bitch ass dude”. Lee straight up is like “FUCK YOU”. YO. I’m not cut out for this kind of man drama. The only redeeming moment about this interaction is that Kenny resolves to whisper everything to Lee so that it can’t be taken as aggressive. Yeah, good luck with that, Ken.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. TIME FOR THE ONE-ON-ONE WITH JACK STONE. Guys, I’m even cringing writing about this I’m just so uncomfortable. They meet, again in Bluffton since they ran out of stuff to do in Hilton Head, and Jack Stone literally refuses to run and meet Rachel. He’s also not mic’d so it takes a really long time for him to reach Rachel and also be relevant to my television screen. They get in this little horse drawn carriage and he did bring flowers for Rachel I think, but also, we only see them every other shot in the carriage? Jack is also convinced that all of the houses they drive by are haunted simply because they’re old. MAYBE YOU’LL BE HAUNTED WHEN YOU’RE OLD, JACK STONE! Rachel notes that the two of them are a perfect match on paper: they’re both lawyers from Dallas. WOW, YES, WHAT A MATCH. Even though there’s definitely not, Jack says that there’s a definite connection between them. Hmm. They end up going to this oyster bar called “Shuckin’ and Shakin’”, I believe, but why wasn’t it called “Shuckin’ and Shaggin””. Ah, yes, I must provide context – they do a dance called Shagging. Also, Rachel hates oysters clearly a lot, and I’m worried about Jack Stone wielding a knife in order to shuck tbh. So Rachel, obviously, is a great dancer and picks up the moves v quickly whereas Jack is the WORST DANCER OF ALL TIME. It’s about now that Rachel says that there’s something missing with Jack. Uh, yeah. They go outside to literally like a swamp and Jack says that he was a bad dancer because he was too busy thinking about kissing Rachel. ICK. THEN HE KISSES HER AND I SINK FULLY INTO THE CUSHIONS OF MY COUCH. My GOD, it’s bad. Rachel literally won’t even let it happen again, he tries so many times and she gives him the cheek Every. Single. Time. He grossly says that it’s been a long time he’s had a first kiss that made him feel that way. ICKY.

We cut back to the guys at the hotel quickly and Will is talking to Lee for some reason – Will explains to Lee that there is a long-standing history in this country about people who call black men ‘aggressive’. Lee basically says that he doesn’t understand that, so of course, Will says that it’s probably just ignorance on Lee’s part. Uh, no, this dude is the straight up devil. Lee also says that he doesn’t understand the race card – YEAH, NO SHIT, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE.

We’re back with creepy Jack Stone and he has been shocked by how quickly his feelings have developed. Honestly, same. Rachel says that it’s been really easy and comfortable with Jack. Really???? Weirdly Jack brings up Rachel’s dad and just says that he’s probably funny and he gets her dad??? Even Rachel is like, BITCH YOU DON’T KNOW HIM! Jack reveals that all he wants to do is go home to Dallas and chill out. To Rachel, that means that her life with Jack would be super boring. And super creepy, Rach. She grabs the rose, poised to give her speech, and Jack interrupts and says that he’s surprisingly enjoyed his time more than he thought he would. SHUT UP, JACK, LET THE WOMAN SPEAK. She gives this speech about how he’s really great and she wants him to know his worth, but she just doesn’t feel a romantic connection and she SENDS HIS CREEPY ASS HOME! BAI! Based on Bachelor Franchise Instagrams, it actually seems like Jack Stone might be normal and funny, but certainly not on this season. Until Paradise, Jack! Also, the lighting they have in their cars actually make Jack look fine. STAY IN THE CAR, JACK.

FINALLY time for the rose ceremony – first time in literally 3 weeks if my calculations are right? They’re probably not! Rachel cancelled the cocktail party, likely because the scheduling of these episodes have been an absolute mess. The guys are all stressing about no cocktail party – Peter says that Rachel has been having a noticeably rough time and Dean looks straight up EXHAUSTED while talking to Kenny. Rachel’s wearing a vampy lip and an amazing dress and faces the men – she says that the guys she’s letting go of this week have made a lasting impression. Iggy says that the people who are causing drama are probably not sticking around. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. Congrats to: Eric, Peter, Adam (he wants to give her the whole kitchen, he’s only given her a snack, mmk), Will, Matt, Alex, Josiah, Anthony, Kenny, and Lee. Bai to Iggy and Tickle! Jonathan is glad he got to make her laugh and now I love him. Also he tickles her one last time and THESE DAMN GUYS CLAP AGAIN. Seriously, they will clap at truly anything. Iggy is full on weeping, but bai, little drama queen. Rachel announces that they’re going to Norway!

They fly to Oslo and it looks cool AF. Rachel says that this week she has to trust her gut and her heart about the men that are here. They walk into this cool hotel that Dean straight up LOVES and Eric says that “the suite is sweet”. NO. They let the guys go out for some beers, which I don’t think they’ve ever done on this franchise and I’m about it. Rachel meets up with them and says that she’s starting a one-on-one now with Bryan! I think, yay! Dean gets real jealous and says that he wouldn’t be surprised if Bryan didn’t come back and all the rest of the guys are like, uhhhh, dude you’re crazy. Rachel says that she wants to make sure on this date that they have more than just a physical connection. They go to this super cool building where they can see the second best view in Oslo – she’s obviously the first best view in Oslo. Lol. Apparently it’s a ski jump which is amazing and she tells him that they’re going to rappel down. YIKES. It’s 187 feet down and Rachel is freaked out because apparently murder is 187? They don’t fully explain that, but that’s freaky. They just sort of go for it and there is so much heavy breathing and Bryan makes them kiss mid-air and it’s nice to see that they challenge each other. Rachel is ALL about it. She says that when she sees Bryan, she sees forward – she also says that she gets bored very easily, but Bryan doesn’t bore her. Love that. They sit down and have another beer and they’re actually appropriately affectionate for being in public, which is nice to see. Rachel admits that she might be trying to sabotage this so she doesn’t get played and she just doesn’t understand why he’s still single. GURL, YOU’RE STILL SINGLE, TOO, AND YOU’RE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. CONFIDENCE, RACH, CONFIDENCE!

We cut back to the hotel and Eric and Anthony are chatting – Eric brings up that out of 5 one-on-one opportunities, only one black guy has gotten to go. He thinks that Rachel maybe just isn’t as attracted to the black guys. Anthony doesn’t really see what he’s seeing and defends Rachel and says basically that she’s just going with her heart and isn’t pinpointing dates based on the race of these guys. Interesting topic, though, for sure.

Bryan and Rachel head to dinner and he pulls out her chair for her and then moves his literally right next to her because he says they always put the chairs too far away. So I finally figured out the only thing I don’t like about Bryan – he’s a “sit on the same side of the booth” kinda guy. NOT FOR ME. He tells Rachel that today was a testament to the bond and trust level that they’ve built so far. Rachel, again, tells him her doubts and says that she’s worried about sharing her feelings because she doesn’t want to get hurt if they’re not reciprocated. She also talks about how dating has always been difficult for her because she didn’t, ahem, blossom until college so it’s hard for her to take a compliment. Bryan says that was basically his story too – he used to be this awkward skinny kid with acne and suddenly he started getting all this attention from girls and he didn’t really know how to navigate it. He also says that he got out of a four year relationship a few years ago and realized that he basically did everything in its power to make sure that it didn’t go too far. He then tells Rachel that he doesn’t ever want to leave a situation without her knowing where he stands and then he says he’s FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. UGH I LOVE HIM NOW. EVEN DESPITE THE SEATING ISSUES! Honestly, hats off to him for saying that, like he truly laid it on the damn line. Rachel clearly loved it, too. He gets the rose, of course (Sorry, Dean!) and Rachel says that she likes him a lot, a lot!

Date card time! “Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, Josiah: I’m looking for a guy who’s good with his hands. – Rachel” Lol, of COURSE there’s a two-on-one with Kenny and Lee. Lee says that he can’t think of a two-on-one where both people come back – uhhhh, YEAH, LEE, THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THAT DATE.

The guys show up at this handball court and literally I love handball. It’s legitimately one of my favorite Olympic events to watch every four years. They get to watch these actual professional handball players and then Rachel calls over Coach Tom who simply has no emotion, but will somehow teach these guys how to play handball.

                        “Handball is life.”

                                    -Coach Tom, 2017

Weirdly Alex and Will have already played handball. They run through some drills then they make them put on the tiniest of uniforms which I am not complaining about. Rachel is on the red team with some of the guys, including Will who is just insanely good at handball. Josiah is on the opposing team and his strategy is just to block all of Rachel’s shots. Hmm. Peter gets a little handsy and I’m also a little surprised by the number of tattoos he has for some reason. Josiah calls Peter “Clark Kent” and tbh, I see it. Dean, inexplicably, is wearing his jock strap outside of his uniform and, I must say, it’s framing his ass pretty well. The red team wins, but again, I love the guys this season simply because they’re, like, fine with other people winning, I genuinely think they’re just there to have fun.

We cut back to the hotel where Kenny and Lee are preparing for their two-on-one tomorrow. Kenny facetimes his daughter and starts crying and the entire world starts crying, truly my heart is broken for their separation. Lee, meanwhile is “lifting weights, reading books, and writing toasts”. Uh, okay.

We go to the cocktail party and Rachel grabs Will first to talk to him. He tells her that usually he’s a very guarded person – he also says that around the time that she got her heart broken by Nick, he also had someone leave him for someone else. He doesn’t have any regrets, though, and knows that there was nothing more he could have done. They do seem to like each other, but they don’t exactly seem to have that much passion yet. They find a very dark corner, though, and make out for a minute or two, so I’m happy for them. Next, Alex wrote Rachel a little essay and she clearly likes him a lot, Matt had lyrics embroidered on a handkerchief, and Eric is at a place where he can’t run anymore so he’s here with her. All of the guys are being SUPER sweet tonight. Josiah talks with her next and says that he sees that Rachel is happy. He is truly all talk and Rachel calls him out on it – she says that he never asks her questions about her so there’s no way that he’s actually getting to know her. He’s smooth, obviously, but not really in it to get to know her, it seems. She straight up tells him that he sounds disingenuous and that does not really seem to bug him all that much.

At the hotel, Kenny and Lee get their date card: “Kenny and Lee: your fate is up in the air – Rachel”. Also, I always forget that Chris Harrison also writes a poem, or rather, he’s used the same poem for years: “Two men, one rose, one stays, one goes – Chris Harrison”.

Back at the cocktail party, Peter tells Rachel that he liked seeing her in her element today and that he loved their eye contact. Rachel admits that she’s very easy to read and she loves that he notices things about her. He gets super excited about the opportunity to go outside on the patio and they do and they’re great and they kiss, but Peter wants to stop kissing because they have so much ground to cover. YES, PETER, YOU GET TO KNOW HER! She offers them to keep getting to know each other in the hot tub, and damn, do they. I mean they are just full on going for it in the hot tub for quite awhile. And finally, it seems like they’re kissing like they want to be kissing, not standing v far from each other and hoping their lips meet when they lean in. I do sincerely hope that the rest of the guys had to just watch from inside and that their couch was literally like in the same room as the hot tub. Peter finally gets dressed again and the guys are like “Hey, Mr. Three and half hours!” Like, yes, he must have been gone forever hahahha. We didn’t get to see any time with Dean and I’m upset about it, but the group date rose goes to Will and I’m on board. Peter is really disappointed he didn’t get it and says that he has a little bit of doubt creeping in. NO, PETER, SHE LOVES YOU, SHE JUST CAN’T BE SO OBVIOUS WITH HER LOVE YET.

The next morning, all of the men are sitting there, hoods on, waiting for Kenny and Lee to leave. Kenny runs out of his room: “7:32, what it do?” Damn, these dates start early. A helicopter comes and picks them up, of course, and everyone just assumes that Lee will be going home. Peter is the only one who says that Lee is actually the one that has come across as calm with everything, so Rachel might prefer that. Rachel, Lee, and Kenny head to the wilderness, as one does for all two-on-ones. Luckily, Kenny says that his objective isn’t to focus on Lee, but to focus on his relationship with Rachel. She talks with Kenny first and they first mention that they love their “onion time”. Uhh, wut? Kenny tells Rachel that both on paper and in person, Rachel is amazing. It’s a really vague and overly complimentary conversation and it’s basically just Kenny trying to explain that he’ll move on from all the drama with Lee. Rachel says that she feels like he’s fighting for his relationship with her and her gut is to trust Kenny. She talks with Lee and then he just straight up makes all this shit up about Kenny trying to drag him out of a van and that he said when he drinks he has a dark side? Like what the HELL are you talking about Lee?? You know there’s footage of everything, right?!?!? He boldly says that he’ll never lie to Rachel and I’m irrationally angry about it. She walks him back and then asks to talk to Kenny again and she tells him everything that Lee said, but they definitely don’t resolve anything. Kenny heads back to Lee alone and he’s laughing hysterically and it’s CREEPY AF. LIKE ALMOST JACK STONE LEVEL CREEPY. TO BE CONTINUED!