The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 5, Pt. 1

Don’t these damn producers know my commitment to recapping this show? TWO SEPARATE TWO HOUR EPISODES???? My little fingers can’t take it! Previously on The Bachelorette: ego and jealousy! Everyone hates Lee! Lee is a piece of garbage and there’s gonna be a fight! Let’s jump in to the first ep!

We’re back at the South Carolina yacht club where all the drama is going down. Kenny goes to grab Lee so the two of them can chat – about what, I’m not really sure. Was anyone really expecting this conversation to end up resolving everything? Lee is a huge dick and just walks outside with Kenny and immediately is like “What the hell? What the hell is happening?” UH, WHAT’S HAPPENING IS YOU’RE A MONSTER, LEE. Also, Iggy interjects and says that he won’t get involved unless someone is throwing punches. L. O. L. We also find out that Peter hates Lee, thankfully. Then we cut to the single best lit boat in the entire world where Bryan and Rachel are essentially sitting on each other’s laps. They have a slightly sugary sweet conversation about how the other is too good for them and for that reason, Bryan thinks they’re a perfect match. I’ll say it here and now: I really like Bryan, and it’s clear Rachel likes Bryan and is likely to win at this point, but like, his level of cheesiness makes me think he might be a secret ass. Maybe not, I mean, I think he’s the oldest guy on this show they’ve ever had, so maybe he’s over the whole faking things for attention, but I’m not sure. Jury’s out. But we get to watch them make out a lot again after he tells Rachel that they’re going to fall in love and he’s going in with blind faith. I do have to give it up to him for just ignoring all the drama, lord knows that has to be tempting to talk about. We cut back to Lee and Kenny and Kenny tells him that he talked to Rachel about the situation and stupid Lee won’t shut up to let Kenny say anything. Kenny says that the main reason that he’s upset is because Lee told Rachel that he’s aggressive. Lee, again, just won’t stop talking over Kenny and finally Kenny’s like “You’re a disingenuous snake and I’m calling you on it.” Mmk. We cut to a shot of Will and Iggy talking and Will saying that Lee is his own worst enemy and then the two of them look outside at Kenny and Lee and Will just goes “They are pointing very aggressively, though.” Lolololololol. Kenny is a man of metaphors and calls Lee a “dime store psychologist”, which I must admit I don’t fully understand. I mean, it’s a very extended scene of Lee trying to provoke Kenny and, luckily, Kenny doesn’t get aggressive or do anything stupid, but also, Kenny needs to just leave this guy alone, like clearly he’s always going to be an ass, you’re just making yourself look like you can’t handle these little pests. Lee even says that he doesn’t really care about anything Kenny’s saying because clearly he’s in Kenny’s head. Rachel returns and gives Bryan the group date rose because he’s confident in who he is and their relationship and he isn’t afraid to show it. She gets up and leaves and Kenny seems to be being nice and tells Bryan congratulations, but includes a jab to Lee about what happens when you’re not being a “bitch ass dude”. Lee straight up is like “FUCK YOU”. YO. I’m not cut out for this kind of man drama. The only redeeming moment about this interaction is that Kenny resolves to whisper everything to Lee so that it can’t be taken as aggressive. Yeah, good luck with that, Ken.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. TIME FOR THE ONE-ON-ONE WITH JACK STONE. Guys, I’m even cringing writing about this I’m just so uncomfortable. They meet, again in Bluffton since they ran out of stuff to do in Hilton Head, and Jack Stone literally refuses to run and meet Rachel. He’s also not mic’d so it takes a really long time for him to reach Rachel and also be relevant to my television screen. They get in this little horse drawn carriage and he did bring flowers for Rachel I think, but also, we only see them every other shot in the carriage? Jack is also convinced that all of the houses they drive by are haunted simply because they’re old. MAYBE YOU’LL BE HAUNTED WHEN YOU’RE OLD, JACK STONE! Rachel notes that the two of them are a perfect match on paper: they’re both lawyers from Dallas. WOW, YES, WHAT A MATCH. Even though there’s definitely not, Jack says that there’s a definite connection between them. Hmm. They end up going to this oyster bar called “Shuckin’ and Shakin’”, I believe, but why wasn’t it called “Shuckin’ and Shaggin””. Ah, yes, I must provide context – they do a dance called Shagging. Also, Rachel hates oysters clearly a lot, and I’m worried about Jack Stone wielding a knife in order to shuck tbh. So Rachel, obviously, is a great dancer and picks up the moves v quickly whereas Jack is the WORST DANCER OF ALL TIME. It’s about now that Rachel says that there’s something missing with Jack. Uh, yeah. They go outside to literally like a swamp and Jack says that he was a bad dancer because he was too busy thinking about kissing Rachel. ICK. THEN HE KISSES HER AND I SINK FULLY INTO THE CUSHIONS OF MY COUCH. My GOD, it’s bad. Rachel literally won’t even let it happen again, he tries so many times and she gives him the cheek Every. Single. Time. He grossly says that it’s been a long time he’s had a first kiss that made him feel that way. ICKY.

We cut back to the guys at the hotel quickly and Will is talking to Lee for some reason – Will explains to Lee that there is a long-standing history in this country about people who call black men ‘aggressive’. Lee basically says that he doesn’t understand that, so of course, Will says that it’s probably just ignorance on Lee’s part. Uh, no, this dude is the straight up devil. Lee also says that he doesn’t understand the race card – YEAH, NO SHIT, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE.

We’re back with creepy Jack Stone and he has been shocked by how quickly his feelings have developed. Honestly, same. Rachel says that it’s been really easy and comfortable with Jack. Really???? Weirdly Jack brings up Rachel’s dad and just says that he’s probably funny and he gets her dad??? Even Rachel is like, BITCH YOU DON’T KNOW HIM! Jack reveals that all he wants to do is go home to Dallas and chill out. To Rachel, that means that her life with Jack would be super boring. And super creepy, Rach. She grabs the rose, poised to give her speech, and Jack interrupts and says that he’s surprisingly enjoyed his time more than he thought he would. SHUT UP, JACK, LET THE WOMAN SPEAK. She gives this speech about how he’s really great and she wants him to know his worth, but she just doesn’t feel a romantic connection and she SENDS HIS CREEPY ASS HOME! BAI! Based on Bachelor Franchise Instagrams, it actually seems like Jack Stone might be normal and funny, but certainly not on this season. Until Paradise, Jack! Also, the lighting they have in their cars actually make Jack look fine. STAY IN THE CAR, JACK.

FINALLY time for the rose ceremony – first time in literally 3 weeks if my calculations are right? They’re probably not! Rachel cancelled the cocktail party, likely because the scheduling of these episodes have been an absolute mess. The guys are all stressing about no cocktail party – Peter says that Rachel has been having a noticeably rough time and Dean looks straight up EXHAUSTED while talking to Kenny. Rachel’s wearing a vampy lip and an amazing dress and faces the men – she says that the guys she’s letting go of this week have made a lasting impression. Iggy says that the people who are causing drama are probably not sticking around. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. Congrats to: Eric, Peter, Adam (he wants to give her the whole kitchen, he’s only given her a snack, mmk), Will, Matt, Alex, Josiah, Anthony, Kenny, and Lee. Bai to Iggy and Tickle! Jonathan is glad he got to make her laugh and now I love him. Also he tickles her one last time and THESE DAMN GUYS CLAP AGAIN. Seriously, they will clap at truly anything. Iggy is full on weeping, but bai, little drama queen. Rachel announces that they’re going to Norway!

They fly to Oslo and it looks cool AF. Rachel says that this week she has to trust her gut and her heart about the men that are here. They walk into this cool hotel that Dean straight up LOVES and Eric says that “the suite is sweet”. NO. They let the guys go out for some beers, which I don’t think they’ve ever done on this franchise and I’m about it. Rachel meets up with them and says that she’s starting a one-on-one now with Bryan! I think, yay! Dean gets real jealous and says that he wouldn’t be surprised if Bryan didn’t come back and all the rest of the guys are like, uhhhh, dude you’re crazy. Rachel says that she wants to make sure on this date that they have more than just a physical connection. They go to this super cool building where they can see the second best view in Oslo – she’s obviously the first best view in Oslo. Lol. Apparently it’s a ski jump which is amazing and she tells him that they’re going to rappel down. YIKES. It’s 187 feet down and Rachel is freaked out because apparently murder is 187? They don’t fully explain that, but that’s freaky. They just sort of go for it and there is so much heavy breathing and Bryan makes them kiss mid-air and it’s nice to see that they challenge each other. Rachel is ALL about it. She says that when she sees Bryan, she sees forward – she also says that she gets bored very easily, but Bryan doesn’t bore her. Love that. They sit down and have another beer and they’re actually appropriately affectionate for being in public, which is nice to see. Rachel admits that she might be trying to sabotage this so she doesn’t get played and she just doesn’t understand why he’s still single. GURL, YOU’RE STILL SINGLE, TOO, AND YOU’RE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. CONFIDENCE, RACH, CONFIDENCE!

We cut back to the hotel and Eric and Anthony are chatting – Eric brings up that out of 5 one-on-one opportunities, only one black guy has gotten to go. He thinks that Rachel maybe just isn’t as attracted to the black guys. Anthony doesn’t really see what he’s seeing and defends Rachel and says basically that she’s just going with her heart and isn’t pinpointing dates based on the race of these guys. Interesting topic, though, for sure.

Bryan and Rachel head to dinner and he pulls out her chair for her and then moves his literally right next to her because he says they always put the chairs too far away. So I finally figured out the only thing I don’t like about Bryan – he’s a “sit on the same side of the booth” kinda guy. NOT FOR ME. He tells Rachel that today was a testament to the bond and trust level that they’ve built so far. Rachel, again, tells him her doubts and says that she’s worried about sharing her feelings because she doesn’t want to get hurt if they’re not reciprocated. She also talks about how dating has always been difficult for her because she didn’t, ahem, blossom until college so it’s hard for her to take a compliment. Bryan says that was basically his story too – he used to be this awkward skinny kid with acne and suddenly he started getting all this attention from girls and he didn’t really know how to navigate it. He also says that he got out of a four year relationship a few years ago and realized that he basically did everything in its power to make sure that it didn’t go too far. He then tells Rachel that he doesn’t ever want to leave a situation without her knowing where he stands and then he says he’s FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. UGH I LOVE HIM NOW. EVEN DESPITE THE SEATING ISSUES! Honestly, hats off to him for saying that, like he truly laid it on the damn line. Rachel clearly loved it, too. He gets the rose, of course (Sorry, Dean!) and Rachel says that she likes him a lot, a lot!

Date card time! “Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, Josiah: I’m looking for a guy who’s good with his hands. – Rachel” Lol, of COURSE there’s a two-on-one with Kenny and Lee. Lee says that he can’t think of a two-on-one where both people come back – uhhhh, YEAH, LEE, THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THAT DATE.

The guys show up at this handball court and literally I love handball. It’s legitimately one of my favorite Olympic events to watch every four years. They get to watch these actual professional handball players and then Rachel calls over Coach Tom who simply has no emotion, but will somehow teach these guys how to play handball.

                        “Handball is life.”

                                    -Coach Tom, 2017

Weirdly Alex and Will have already played handball. They run through some drills then they make them put on the tiniest of uniforms which I am not complaining about. Rachel is on the red team with some of the guys, including Will who is just insanely good at handball. Josiah is on the opposing team and his strategy is just to block all of Rachel’s shots. Hmm. Peter gets a little handsy and I’m also a little surprised by the number of tattoos he has for some reason. Josiah calls Peter “Clark Kent” and tbh, I see it. Dean, inexplicably, is wearing his jock strap outside of his uniform and, I must say, it’s framing his ass pretty well. The red team wins, but again, I love the guys this season simply because they’re, like, fine with other people winning, I genuinely think they’re just there to have fun.

We cut back to the hotel where Kenny and Lee are preparing for their two-on-one tomorrow. Kenny facetimes his daughter and starts crying and the entire world starts crying, truly my heart is broken for their separation. Lee, meanwhile is “lifting weights, reading books, and writing toasts”. Uh, okay.

We go to the cocktail party and Rachel grabs Will first to talk to him. He tells her that usually he’s a very guarded person – he also says that around the time that she got her heart broken by Nick, he also had someone leave him for someone else. He doesn’t have any regrets, though, and knows that there was nothing more he could have done. They do seem to like each other, but they don’t exactly seem to have that much passion yet. They find a very dark corner, though, and make out for a minute or two, so I’m happy for them. Next, Alex wrote Rachel a little essay and she clearly likes him a lot, Matt had lyrics embroidered on a handkerchief, and Eric is at a place where he can’t run anymore so he’s here with her. All of the guys are being SUPER sweet tonight. Josiah talks with her next and says that he sees that Rachel is happy. He is truly all talk and Rachel calls him out on it – she says that he never asks her questions about her so there’s no way that he’s actually getting to know her. He’s smooth, obviously, but not really in it to get to know her, it seems. She straight up tells him that he sounds disingenuous and that does not really seem to bug him all that much.

At the hotel, Kenny and Lee get their date card: “Kenny and Lee: your fate is up in the air – Rachel”. Also, I always forget that Chris Harrison also writes a poem, or rather, he’s used the same poem for years: “Two men, one rose, one stays, one goes – Chris Harrison”.

Back at the cocktail party, Peter tells Rachel that he liked seeing her in her element today and that he loved their eye contact. Rachel admits that she’s very easy to read and she loves that he notices things about her. He gets super excited about the opportunity to go outside on the patio and they do and they’re great and they kiss, but Peter wants to stop kissing because they have so much ground to cover. YES, PETER, YOU GET TO KNOW HER! She offers them to keep getting to know each other in the hot tub, and damn, do they. I mean they are just full on going for it in the hot tub for quite awhile. And finally, it seems like they’re kissing like they want to be kissing, not standing v far from each other and hoping their lips meet when they lean in. I do sincerely hope that the rest of the guys had to just watch from inside and that their couch was literally like in the same room as the hot tub. Peter finally gets dressed again and the guys are like “Hey, Mr. Three and half hours!” Like, yes, he must have been gone forever hahahha. We didn’t get to see any time with Dean and I’m upset about it, but the group date rose goes to Will and I’m on board. Peter is really disappointed he didn’t get it and says that he has a little bit of doubt creeping in. NO, PETER, SHE LOVES YOU, SHE JUST CAN’T BE SO OBVIOUS WITH HER LOVE YET.

The next morning, all of the men are sitting there, hoods on, waiting for Kenny and Lee to leave. Kenny runs out of his room: “7:32, what it do?” Damn, these dates start early. A helicopter comes and picks them up, of course, and everyone just assumes that Lee will be going home. Peter is the only one who says that Lee is actually the one that has come across as calm with everything, so Rachel might prefer that. Rachel, Lee, and Kenny head to the wilderness, as one does for all two-on-ones. Luckily, Kenny says that his objective isn’t to focus on Lee, but to focus on his relationship with Rachel. She talks with Kenny first and they first mention that they love their “onion time”. Uhh, wut? Kenny tells Rachel that both on paper and in person, Rachel is amazing. It’s a really vague and overly complimentary conversation and it’s basically just Kenny trying to explain that he’ll move on from all the drama with Lee. Rachel says that she feels like he’s fighting for his relationship with her and her gut is to trust Kenny. She talks with Lee and then he just straight up makes all this shit up about Kenny trying to drag him out of a van and that he said when he drinks he has a dark side? Like what the HELL are you talking about Lee?? You know there’s footage of everything, right?!?!? He boldly says that he’ll never lie to Rachel and I’m irrationally angry about it. She walks him back and then asks to talk to Kenny again and she tells him everything that Lee said, but they definitely don’t resolve anything. Kenny heads back to Lee alone and he’s laughing hysterically and it’s CREEPY AF. LIKE ALMOST JACK STONE LEVEL CREEPY. TO BE CONTINUED!