The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 4

PREVIOUSLY ON THE BACHELORETTE: Can you believe we only said goodbye to DeMario officially last episode? These weeks off are really screwing with me. We last left off on a different piece of drama: namely Lee and Iggy started bugging Eric and Eric absolutely freaked out. LET’S JUMP BACK IN!

We come back to the exact same fight - Eric yelling at Lee and the other guys unfortunate enough to be sitting on the couch. Imagine how straight up Brady feels about this drama, he barely even knows what show he’s on anyway. Rachel says that she is starting to see some jealousy in the guys. YES, SAME. So Josiah starts defending Eric, because, I mean, he’s right, everyone is kind of picking on him randomly. Eric’s an intense guy, like just leave him alone. Lee is being a WEIRDO and is straight up giggling in the middle of this fight, but has absolutely nothing to say for himself. Eric says that his ideal outcome of the conversation is that he wants everyone to focus on themselves. Mmk. The rest of the night, Lee is just busy being a dick and literally saying that he didn’t come here to make friends. It’s the age-old philosophical question. What came first: the dick or the guy that didn’t come here to make friends? Kenny and Rachel are chatting and Lee comes and interrupts them and Kenny asks for 60 more seconds so NATURALLY Lee literally counts OUT LOUD to 60 a mere 40 feet away. It’s annoying AF. You know that if Lee were a kid today, he’d be the one with like a thousand fidget spinners at his desk and every time the teacher takes one, he has like eight more just chilling in his desk. So while Lee is trying to interrupt the Pitbull, we cut to Dean inside who is inexplicably wearing a Hawaiian shirt, but is also saying the Lee is a bitch. I’d call that a draw. I’m obsessed with Dean in this conversation, though, he just calls Lee an idiot and then later blatantly calls him out for being a racist to the producers. I’M HERE FOR YOU, DEAN! So Lee finally gets his time with Rachel and spends it giving her this weird raw wooden block with the word “enchanting” haphazardly carved into it. Also his grandpa got cancer—oh yeah, the knife he used to carve the block was his grandpa’s. Mmmk. Back on the couch with Dean, we see Brady and Bryce, which I guess is helpful because I could never remember either of them, but Brady, the model, doesn’t know the word “quirks”. Jack Stone knows that corks go in a wine bottle. Kewl. Bryan and Rachel talk next and go back to the same damn doorway and Rachel tells Bryan that he’s so charming it scares her. Tbh, I feel that from him. He reminds me of Jordan Rodgers in that, they clearly have just like insane chemistry, but also he’s like too nice and maybe just wants to be on TV? I do love their chemistry, though, and he is saying all the right things. Watching them makeout the first 2 times was kinda fun, but now I’m just worried that Bryan learned to kiss when he was extremely drunk and just never learned to bother how to do it properly when sober. Bryan also wants Rachel to leave all the drama that’s happening in the house and just be there with him. Finally, Kenny approaches Lee and asks to talk to him and Lee is THE WORST during this scene. Kenny is trying to explain everything that’s bothering him about Lee, but Lee just says “GET TO IT”, like NO, DUDE. Rachel was sitting with Bryce at this point and overhears it and she rightfully is a little surprised to hear that it’s Kenny that’s the one going after Lee. Peter sits down with her and says that he’s avoiding all the drama. She eventually leaves the cocktail party while absolutely nothing is resolved between the guys, we just know that Lee is a certifiably horrible person. In her confessional, Rachel says that she was disappointed in the guys tonight. She gets emotional about being a black woman and the pressures that she’s getting from so many different directions. I’m here to tell you that I’m a white woman who has had no real struggle in my life and, like, can we just give it up to Rachel for being open and honest about this? Like there are millions of people that watch this show every week and we’ve just now gotten a black lead in the show and she’s already having to deal with a guy that’s a straight up racist? She’s poise and class and will legitimately change the hearts and minds of so many people that watch this show and I’m proud of her. All I’m saying is that I guess I am judging Rachel’s decisions and she’s MAKING ALL THE RIGHT ONES. It was also kind of nice to hear that one of the producers was being a human being who wasn’t just there to get great TV. But, I digress. Chris Harrison walks in to talk to the guys that the cocktail party is cancelled, they’re going on to the rose ceremony right away. I’m sorry, was that not already like 6 straight hours of a cocktail party? Anyway, Rachel walks in and tells the guys that tonight was really heavy and frustrating. Congrats to: Will, Dean, Jonathan, Peter, Adam, Bryan, Matt, Josiah, Jack, Iggy, Kenny, and Lee. NOOOOOOOO. GUYS!!!!!!! DIGGY’S GOING HOME!!!!!!! I’m heartbroken, but HE’S GOING TO PARADISE I COULDN’T BE MORE THRILLED. Also bai to Brady and Bryce who I didn’t take the time to learn about anyway.

We’re in Hilton Head Island this week and the guys are all in these tiny golf carts and I love it. Unfortunately, though, the producers found yet another balcony on which the guys could scream Rachel’s name. Oh, what I would have given to have been in that hotel that day to hear them have to do it like 50 times just to get the shot right. First date card is here: “Dean: Our love is about to take off…Rachel” I’M SO EXCITED. Dean says that he wants to use this date to prove that he’s not just a smiley guy. So, Rachel and Dean meet up and then instantly travel to another city. Hmm, guess Hilton Head Island wasn’t as exciting as I initially thought. They end up at this FIELD again (I guess the theme of the season is FIELDS) in Bluffton, South Carolina. They have a cute lil picnic on top of their jeep and then Dean spots the blimp. We also find out that Rachel use to call blimps “bimps” and we find out they’re going on the bimp! I didn’t know I was afraid of blimps until this date, and it seems like Dean didn’t know either. So, all of America learned at the same time that blimps don’t actual land, but the landing that they can do only uses a single wheel? They sit in the blimp for awhile while Dean is freaking out and I guess to alleviate the fear, Rachel suggests they MAN A BLIMP???? I mean, it would be fun to fly something, I guess, but not a BLIMP. Rachel jumps in and then Dean jumps into the pilot seat and asks the obvious question: “Is there anything I can do to just absolutely destroy us right now?” I certainly hope not. He settles into it a little, though, and Rachel says that she loves how Dean is taking complete control of his environment. They both like that they push each other out of their comfort zones then they make out a little and I love them. The guys back at the hotel apparently saw the blimp conveniently, then they all just go on a little rant about how young Dean is. Hmm.

Date card number 2! “Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Iggy, Eric, Will, and Josiah: I want to see who’s ready for a commitment…Rachel” Uh, two things with this. One, FRIGGEN JACK STONE IS GETTING A ONE-ON-ONE?!?!?!??!? Also, now that I’ve watched this whole episode, what the hell did this date card have to do with any part of their date??

Dean and Rachel head to dinner in this absolutely STUNNING chandelier tree. They love hanging out with each other and she says that they have light, comfortable, and easy conversation; she’s worried, though, that he’s not ready to get ready and start a family because he’s the youngest guy in the house. They start talking about their parents – Rachel’s have been together for 38 years and she grew up in a strict and religious household. Dean says that his foundation was also religious and then he shares that his mom passed away when he was 15. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when he was 9 and was in remission, then it came back really severely. He remembers being with his mom in her hospice room and he asked her when she was coming home and she told him that she was never coming home again. His dad told him on October 21, 2006 that his mom died and from there, the family kind of fell apart – his siblings all moved away and his dad wasn’t around so he was basically alone from 15-18. He tells Rachel that she’s the first person he’s ever opened up to about this, but he wanted to tell her that he wants to be a father and have a close knit family. Rachel, in her confessional, says that this was absolutely heartbreaking for her to hear, but she didn’t want to cry because she was worried that it would make him cry more. She loves that he came out of his experiences with optimism, though, and I’m just obsessed with them. Dean is, for real, a stand up guy. He gets that rose and then they head to a private concert. BUT WAIT! I ACTUALLY KNOW THE CONCERT GIVER! So Russell Dickerson went to college with me and graduated a few years ahead of me and most of his band was people who went to school with me, too, and he absolutely does not know anything about me, but HOW FUN??? Also, his wife is from Wisconsin and knows JoJo and I’m so close to being in the inner Bachelor circle, I can feel it.

Alright, so now it’s time for the biggest group date in the history of the world – they’re going on a boat and are just drinking and quite literally doing nothing? They dance around a little bit, we find out that the guys just call Jonathan “Tickle”, which I love, and Josiah is getting cocky again. Peter and Rachel are a bit bold and just recreate the iconic Titanic pose. Then, unfortunately, they start to rap… Kenny is exactly fine at it, but seems to think he’s amazing and then all of a sudden PETER STARTS RAPPING. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. If we’re being 100% honest, he’s not like the worst of all time. Also, I’m pleasantly surprised by Peter on this date – he’s seemed so incredibly shy and finally seems like he is shy to some extent, but also is just like a cool, fun person to hang out with. They get off the boat and head over to this weird outdoor area with like 60 middle-aged women who are hear to watch the Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee. Lol. Rachel and these three children are judging. It’s vaguely entertaining to watch these guys spell these words wrong, but all in all, nothing all that exciting happens. Peter can’t spell “coitus”, but honestly, spellcheck did the heavy lifting for me on that one, too. Josiah wins and is working the crowd a lot and I still like Josiah in the abstract, but he’s a little too obsessed with Josiah for my liking. They end up at this weird house for the cocktail party, like it literally looks like they just found someone’s basement from 1989 – Josiah is drinking from his trophy, which I respect immensely. Peter and Rachel chat for a bit and he says that he had an unexpectedly good time on the group date. She loved when he freestyled and says that she likes the organic nature of their relationship. Neither of them would wear shoes if they didn’t have to (same) and then AGAIN they talk about moving closer to each other: Rachel’s even licensed to practice law in Wisconsin if they end up there. I LOVE THEM. Eric and Rachel get back to having a normal conversation and we find out that Rachel likes to clean and listen to ratchet music to relax. The weird part of her interaction with Eric is not the actual interaction, but her confessional when she says “Eric and I can really be something” and then she INSTANTLY averts her eyes. This whole time, Iggy’s been a little weirdo and it’s finally his time to talk to Rachel and instantly he STARTS THE DRAMA again. He tells Rachel that he questions Josiah, but really, we’re all here to say that Iggy is just a little tattle tale and WE DON’T NEED HIM. Again, Iggy goes back to this huge group of guys and is just like “oh, by the way, dudes, I just used my time with Rachel to tell her about your insincerity”. Like, OF COURSE, these guys are going to fire back at him, he’s being the absolute worst. Josiah even accuses Iggy of doing drugs and steroids??? While that drama is happening, Lee and Rachel sit down SO physically far from each other and he concocts this whole story about the reasons that Kenny yelled at him. It’s dumb, but Rachel does seem to buy it a little. Rachel meets up with Kenny next and he decides to rap again?? Rachel addresses the drama right away, though, and wants to hear his side of the story with what happened at the last cocktail party. Kenny just says that Lee was baiting him and he doesn’t think he handled the situation right. He and America can tell that Rachel likes Kenny, but doesn’t entirely believe his side of the story. Honestly, I like Kenny, but both of these guys are being a little annoying about it. Obviously Lee times 100000000, but I feel like Kenny didn’t explain it all that well either. Bryan interrupts Kenny, which apparently is cool, and then Kenny goes to find Lee. He calls Lee an “alternative facts” kind of person, YIKES. Kenny taps Lee on the shoulder and takeshim outside to talk and all the guys gather to try to listen and then TO BE CONTINUED. UGHHHHH.

NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELORETTE: KENNY IS BLEEDING! Kenny is crying! Kenny is on a two-on-one with Lee! TWO NIGHT EVENT! Unfortunately, though, it seems we may have to sit through a one-on-one with Jack Stone. K BAI!