The Bachelorette, Season 13: Week 3

IT CONTINUED. Guys, just once I want them to come back not even addressing the reason the last episode was "To be continued...". I mean, I'd be pissed, but it would be genius. Luckily, the producers of The Bachelor clearly don't have as weird a sense of humor as I, so they jumped right back in to the drama with DeMario. LET'S DO IT. 

Like we saw last week, all the guys seem to want to just absolutely destroy DeMario for coming back to the mansion. We also left off with Rachel saying that her curiosity was at an all time high, so she wanted to go see what DeMario could possible have to say. Weirdly this week, she tells Chris Harrison that it "took guts" for DeMario to come back to the mansion. NO, RACHEL, IT TOOK AN OVER INFLATED EGO. So she walks over to DeMario, all of the guys literally right behind her eavesdropping on the conversation, and DeMario says that he came back to the mansion to regain her trust. One of his favorite quotes is "In order to experience joy, you need pain." That would be DeMario's favorite quote. He also tells Rachel that on the way here, he told his driver (:face_with_rolling_eyes:) that he was coming for the woman of his dreams. Gag. Finally he lets Rachel speak and she says that she needs someone who owns up to their mistakes when they're confronted with them and she gave him that opportunity several times and he just didn't own up to it. Truthfully, he would probably still be there if he had openly said that he had screwed up. Then she says that DeMario is a boy, but she is looking for a man and she hopes he moves forward from this situation, but forward is not this way to the mansion, but it's that way outside. I LITERALLY HEARD AMERICA'S COLLECTIVE MIC DROP. I mean, YAHHHSSS RACHELLLLL! I was riding high and thought that would be the quote of the night, but no, she turns back to the men, who, again, are RIGHT behind her and someone says:

SOME GUY: He's not coming back, is he?

RACHEL: Fuck no!

Literally wanted to dance around it was so fun to watch. In her confessional she says that DeMario had absolutely nothing to bring to the conversation other than begging. YEP. The guys are just all kind of awestruck and seem to have figured out that this girl is NOT messing around. As the kids say: I'M HERE FOR IT!

Finally, we can return to the cocktail party and we jump back in in the weirdest way possible. WHAT ARE THESE GIANT HANDS, JONATHAN??????????????? They're literally never explained! WHY ARE THEY HERE??? Rachel apparently likes that Jonathan makes her laugh, but if GIANT HANDS are your only gimmick, I can't imagine he's that fun at a dinner party. The rest of the night, though, Rachel is seemingly just slightly buzzed and for real having the best time ever at this cocktail. Alex is completing a Rubick's Cube while talking to her, well, wait, he's actually just completing a single side of the cube. Kenny brought photos of his daughter, and Will brought a Little Tikes basketball hoop and then they kiss! Again, THE PROPS BUDGET THIS SEASON WAS OUT OF CONTROL. Whaboom is still here, by the way, as is Blake who cannot get over it. So Rachel first sits down with Whaboom and he tells her that Blake probably has a crush on him (subtle homophobia, COOL JOB, WHABOOM) and he has a story to back it up. Apparently one night Blake was standing over Whaboom's bed in the night eating a peeled banana? I mean, I would hope it was peeled. Rachel asks the obvious question: "Did he finish the banana?" We cut to Blake and Rachel brings this up to him. She's so clearly over this tomfoolery, but damn is it funny to watch. She tells him the story and Blake says that it's obviously false because he doesn't eat carbs, so he wouldn't eat a banana. WHO. CARES. BLAKE. GET. OVER. YOUR. SELF. Ugh. Time for the Rose Ceremony anyway - let's get these clowns outta here. First, Rachel apologizes for the DeMario situation taking up their time. She also says that she made the decisions she's made because with some of the guys, she just doesn't see a future with them. GOOD. Congrats to: Bryan, Bryce (who?), Eric, Anthony (WHOOOOOO?), Will, Jonathan (why?), Jack, Matt (Even Whaboom doesn't know who Matt is), Alex, Adam, Kenny, Brady (TRULY NEVER SEEN THIS MAN), Lee, Iggy, Fred, and DIGGY THANK GOD. Big ole bai to Jamey, Whaboom, AND, Blake. Literally praise Jesus. Whaboom says that it's a "sad day, sad day in paradise". Ugh, hope we don't see him there even though I'm worried we might. So Whaboom and Blake are both doing their exit interviews and Whaboom is feigning sincerity while Blake is just complaining that he went out on the same night as Whaboom. Eventually Blake says "Time to kill this guy" and walks over and puts his hand on Whaboom's shoulder and gives an inspiring speech:

BLAKE: I just wanna say fuck you, bro, you're a piece of shit.

Like DAMN, Blake! He says some other stuff, too, it's honestly quite a long speech and then the two just go at it. Blake won't stop saying the Whaboom is a failed comedian and that if he weren't there, he and Rachel would have had a real shot at winning. OKAY, BLAKE. Even Whaboom, though is like "It's not about winning, it's about the world, brother." It's legitimately so embarrassing for both of them. It gets to the point where Whaboom just repeats everything Blake says like a little middle schooler and Blake keeps saying that Whaboom doesn't even know what funny is. IT'S AMAZING. Legitimately some of the best television of 2017. These two deserve Razzie awards. I mean, so clearly a show with the two of them is already being pitched and I, for one, will certainly watch the first episode and then promptly forget about both of them ever being on my screen ever. 

FINALLY the actual episode is starting, like, wow. First date card arrives: "Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred: Lights, camera, action. Come join me on the set of Ellen! - Rachel" I MEAN, WHAT A CARD! Also, full disclosure, I saw 98% of this date already because they aired it on the Ellen show and y'all know I keep up with all Bachelor franchise related appearances on talk shows! Also, again while the card was being read, the men literally clapped the entire time. These guys love each other so much. Rachel goes and meets Ellen and briefs her on the guys that she's about to meet. Ellen says that she hopes that one of guys here today is the guy that she ends up with. SAME, ELLEN, THERE'S SOME GOOD MEN ON THIS DATE. So Ellen goes to meet all the guys, Bryan is very bold and kisses Ellen on the cheek. He also says that he's going to make a fool of himself. So, again, because I keep up with definitely too many Bachelor things, I know a couple of things about this date already. One, Bryan is ANNOYING AF on this date. Like truly the worst. But, he did post a photo on Insta of this date and in the caption revealed that the guys were all pretty hammered while on TV, which doesn't give him a pass, but does explain a lot. Also, he, Will, and Josiah are besties. Maybe they'll all be on for awhile? So anyway, Rachel tells Ellen that she's kissed someone and she alludes to it being surprising and good - she's kissed like 6 guys at this point, we can assume she's talking about Bryan's kiss, but it's unconfirmed. Bryan is an ass, grabs the mic from Ellen and says it was him and then Will is like "YEAH I KISSED HER TOO" and Peter stands there like a REAL GENTLEMAN. They make the guys take off their shirts and dance for money and it's all relatively boring, or maybe just because I've seen the entire thing before. They sit down with Ellen and play "Never Have I Ever" and it's pretty funny. Peter and Alex say they haven't thought about having sex with Rachel. LOL. Alex peed in the pool at the mansion, Will, Peter, and Alex have texted a nude, and Fred has hooked up with someone twice his age. AGAIN, Rachel brings up that Fred was a bad kid and Fred, clearly getting annoyed with it at this point is just like, "BUT I WAS A KID, THOUGH". We get the reveal that of these six, Will, Peter, and Bryan have kissed her and Jonathan and Fred are a little butt hurt about it. Fred is genuinely like the sweetest person, though. They go to their cocktail party and Rachel tells the guys that her favorite part of the day was watching the guys take their shirts off obviously. Same tbh. She's drinking white wine tonight - I've been trying to see what her drink is, but she seems like like to switch it up. Girl after my own heart. She talks with Alex first and he tells her that he feels comfortable in a lot of weird or awkward situations and he loves that Rachel makes him nervous. He also loves that when she's looking him in the eye, she looks at his left eye which is the emotional side and the right eye is logical, so clearly she's more invested in someone's emotions when getting to know them. He loves it, she loves it, I love it. Alex is like, weirdly, a super cool guy, I'm into it. Alex finally gets his kiss and I'm about it. Bryan wants to give Rachel his all, Peter has a sweet and intimate hug and kiss, and then Fred says he's been waiting to kiss Rachel for 20 years. YIKES. OKAY. SO. Fred and Rachel sit down and then Fred just straight up ASKS IF HE CAN KISS HER. I'm for real so uncomfortable. Even Rachel is like "uhhhhh wut". He does end up kissing her and it's fine, I guess, but I'm still V WEIRDED OUT. After that, she heads back to the guys and grabs the rose and says she has to talk to Fred again. Hmm, maybe she did like the kiss? NOPE. She tells him that she can't get him out of her head as a little boy and she wanted to end it now before more feelings are evolved. She truly is the classiest lady. All the guys look on as poor Fred gets sent home. Weirdly Fred says that he was already falling in love with her. DAMN. The group date rose ends up going to Alex, which I'm v happy about. 

So back at the mansion, Eric says that he got nervous when Fred went home because he doesn't feel passion with Rachel and even says that she's emotionally unavailable. Huh??? We also find out that Eric has never been in a real relationship. Also, a date card came, but we didn't get to see it - Anthony's on the one-on-one this week, and it seems like even the producers are like "We made a mistake, his date will be exactly fine, please don't get invested". So, because Rodeo Dr. and the rodeo are spelled the same, they do this dumb date whereby Anthony and Rachel are riding horses into stores on Rodeo Dr. Literally everyone is so confused and I am LIVID for these store owners. I mean, sure, it's free press, but AT WHAT COST? They get cowboy boots and a letterman's jacket and then "horse" cupcakes from the Sprinkles ATM. I'M OVER IT. I mean Rachel is cool and Anthony is cool, but this is a dumb date. The horse even pooped in the store. They end up essentially in the same spot in Griffith Park as La La Land, which is very beautiful and typically a very busy area. They do seem to have some chemistry and Anthony is an old soul and says that he grew up rich in love and wants to be a father. They dance and kiss and it's really sweet, but I'm just not at all investing in this relationship.

The next date card comes: "Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, Eric: Sometimes in relationships, the women have to take charge. - Rachel". Mmmk. Anthony returns to the house and OF COURSE they clap for him and they all clearly love him. Eric, meanwhile keeps saying that he's emotionally available and Rachel is not and he thinks that Rachel is playing a game, like, no, dude. Iggy jumps in and tries to figure out what he's saying or why he's half-shitting on Rachel, but that does not go according to plan. 

The guys on the last date are sitting in the living room trying to figure out what their date might be - the date card was not quite as obvious as the Ellen date card, so I half understand their confusion. Rachel walks in and says that she brought some people here that know her better than the guys do now, so she wanted them to plan the date. THEN IN WALKS RAVEN, CORINNE, JASMINE, AND ALEXIS! Dude, I'm so excited. Also, those four are on Bachelor in Paradise, premiering in June! How convenient! They all pile into a party bus that has a pole in the middle, seemingly just there to remind us that Bryce, whom we have completely forgotten about, is a firefighter. Raven immediately wants to know the gossip and asks Bryce and Lee who the person here is that's here for the wrong reason - both of them say Eric. I honestly think this is kind of an interesting choice. He does seem to be throwing a fit about stupid stuff, but his fits are kind of all about how he's here for Rachel, so I thought it was an interesting response. They end up at this saloon and there's a GIANT group of women and and even GIANTER pit of mud. THEY'RE MUD WRESTLING, I'M THRILLED. They're forced to wear Chubbies and cowboy boots and literally all of them are terrified of Kenny, of course, because he's AN ACTUAL WRESTLER. They fight tournament style and Bryce, Dean, and Kenny seem to be pulling out ahead. They all make fun of Brady's hair because it literally cannot be moved and still looks perfect after him rolling around in mud. I was literally dying laughing at all their interviews because they slowly got more and more caked with mud. The final two are Bryce and Kenny and clearly Kenny should win, but the weird part is that Bryce and the other guys describe Kenny as bigger than Bryce? Am I wrong? Bryce is objectively a larger man than Kenny, yes? Bryce won, I think Kenny didn't want to be a complete ass, but the amount of mud that Kenny is trying to work through that is stuck to his person is AMAZING. I could watch just interviews with these muddy guys forever. Rachel sits down with the girls while the guys get hosed off and Corinne says that she likes Adam and Jasmine and Raven like Dean. We don't get to hear Alexis' opinion which I'm PISSED about, but I'm hoping she is the focus of Bachelor in Paradise. For the cocktail party, Rachel wants to get deeper with these guys. She and Kenny talk first and he reveals that HE USED TO BE A CHIPPENDALE. Omg, I love it so much. He shows her his moves and just fully tore his shirt off. I'm actually even more obsessed with Rachel in this scene because like who actually knows what to do with their face when this is happening? She is such a good sport and doesn't make him feel awkward at all and so it isn't and I just love her. Rachel is looking for a man that is, in one word, secure, Dean is still great, and she and Jack Stone clearly have no chemistry whatsoever. Then we get to Eric who straight up tells Rachel that he feels like their connection is there physically, but not emotionally. He even said that he didn't think she was all the comfortable with him. Being the classy lady she is, she does tell him that the girls had reservations about him and that some of the guys here are questioning his motives. I guess it ends up okay and he's feeling maybe more comfortable around her, but it's not exactly clear. Immediately, he goes to confront Bryce and Lee about what they said to Raven and Eric really doesn't seem to care that Bryce said anything, they're just buds again. Lee is kind of an ass and tells Eric that he hasn't experienced love so he doesn't really know what he's talking about. He does also bring up that Eric's small blow up at Iggy made him change his perception of him. It's a weird conversation and I no longer like Eric or Lee. Interestingly enough, Rachel gives the group date rose to Eric because she says that their conversation really went deeper and she feels like they went to another level tonight. Hmmm. 

So it's time for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony and Rachel's dress is BOMB. She changed her drink again tonight and I'm trying to keep up. Iggy is first and wants to tell Rachel about his issues with Eric. WHEN. WILL. THESE. MEN. LEARN. His main concern is that he thinks Eric believes that the loudest guy in the room is the rightest guy in the room. Being the angel he is, Diggy interrupts Iggy and saves Rachel from having to talk about this dumb drama. While Diggy is likely being the most standup gentleman, Iggy and Eric talk and Iggy says that Eric has an opportunity for growth which is why he brought up their fight to Rachel. Huh? Eventually, so many guys have told Rachel about their concerns with Eric that Rachel has to find him to address it. It's a really weird conversation. She says that she wants to believe him, but everything that she's hearing makes her question the rose that she's already given him. She ends up fine with the decision though and kind of warns him, which does not bode well for their relationship. Following that conversation, Eric asks all of the guys to come into the living room so he can confront Iggy and Lee and he just freaks the eff out. Eric wants everyone to mind their own business and thinks that he's probably a threat to the guys, which is why they can't stop talking about him. Lee, rightfully, is like "uh, everyone is a threat to everybody". Tru. Eric starts going crazy, though and says that this issue is about him because his name is in Lee's mouth! DRAMA! TO BE CONTINUED. Again????????????

Next week on The Bachelorette: Everyone hates Lee, race will become an issue, and Rachel is crying in the dress she's currently wearing! AHHHHHH!