The Bachelorette, Season 13: Week 2
/WOOF! Like FOR REAL WOOF THERE WERE SO MANY PUPS! Oh boy, guys, if this is any indication of the rest of the season, we will just have such a grand old time. I can’t even contain myself. Apologies in advance for the sheer length of this post, but SO MUCH HAPPENED. Let’s gooooooo!
So, we open this week with the quintessential “Shouting-The-Bachelorette’s-Name-From-The-Balcony” shot. SO CLASSIC. My favorite thing about this group of guys is that they will quite literally clap for anything. Case in point: Chris Harrison walks into the room and their instinct is not to say hello, remain calm, or even display disappointment that it is not their lovely Rachel. No, these men just full on applaud Mr. Harrison’s presence. Chris asks the guys how they felt about their first night - DeMario loved her smile and also, as he’s sure they can all agree, she smelled extremely good. Lol. Chris, of course, agrees because Rachel might be our savior, and DUMB BLAKE with his “HEY, BACK OFF”. Ew. GTFO, BLAKE. Chris leaves them all by saying that he hopes that everyone is here for the right reasons. *Cut to Whaboom* It’s time for the first date card of the season and, to quote Rachel approximately 43284 times this episode, “It’s no secret that I was skeptical”. These date cards are notoriously DUMB. Luckily, like Rachel, they are subtle and wonderful and not overly punny. “Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, Lucas: I’m looking for husband material - Rachel” Seems like a random grouping of the men, but okay. So, the guys show up to a straight up FIELD where Rachel is manning the grill. She’s wearing a super cute dress that has black on it, but IS NOT A BLACK DRESS, IGGY. It occurs to me after Iggy calls it a black dress that maybe men just find a color in a dress pattern and assume that is the color of the dress as a whole? They all play football for a little bit. Oh, wait, I’m sorry. They’re not all playing football. Blake has been banished to the grill because absolutely no one wants to hang out with him, including Rachel. My only conflicting feelings re: Blake are that he’s clearly this season’s Evan (I mean, they even have the penis obsession in common), but I ended up liking Evan on BIP. I mean, hopefully Blake doesn’t end up there. While Blake is actively not participating in the date, he also says that Whaboom is “the one person who can ruin this” for him. You sure, bud? So, I guess they’re done playing football and they go to yet another field and on that field is Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis? Uh, okay? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Mr. and Mrs. Kunis as much as the next person, but WHAT THE HELL Y’ALL DOIN’ HERE? According to Jack Stone, they are “the most perfect couple in Hollywood right now”. Jack Stone sucks, by the way. So Ashton and Mila are having a little Q&A with the guys and their only two questions are “Do you have health insurance” and “Do you have a job”: honestly, harder to come by than you’d think.
We go back to the mansion only for a moment to see Adam Jr. floating in the pool and honestly, I’ve had nightmares all week. All the guys are paired off and are hanging out in the sun and bonding about Rachel. Mmk. Also, Lee’s a weirdo.
But, let’s get back to the field: Ashton and Mila have set up the Husband Material Challenge: an obstacle course in six parts. It’s kind of insane to me that the actual first part of the obstacle course was children. Like, way to ease into the subject, Rach. But also, I suppose, best to know right away. So first, they have to change a dirty diaper, then put on a Babybjorn and vacuum, move to a sink that is clogged with hair, then SURPRISE, another sink clog, but this time with a giant ass diamond ring, then, of course, one must know how to properly set a table, then finally grab a bouquet of flowers for Rachel. PHEW. My god, an exhaustive course. Also, way more clogged drains than I ever could have expected. Before the men start the course, we cut to Mila and Ashton and Ashton makes the bold claim that he does not believe that Rachel’s man is on this date. OOOOH ASHTON, you might be right. We’ll see. Only guy I’m even remotely interested in on this date is Kenny at this point. So, the men start the challenge and immediately Dean has never held a baby in his life, which is ironic, because he still is one. Whaboom is weirdly in the lead, but also very badly abusing this baby; well, on second thought, kind of all of the babies would be dead, I feel like they could have encouraged child safety in this course. Oh, also, men get eliminated at every point in the course and sent to the dog house. I wrote some notes while this was all unfolding, but it truly went too fast and the cameras were not panned out far enough to see what was actually happening. But, Kenny was killing it until, suddenly, Whaboom wins?? I mean, the great thing about this challenge is that it legit doesn’t matter. On most of the dates where there’s competitions and stuff, they usually give the winner more time with the Bachelorette, but no, this time, they were just like “COOL JOB, WHABOOM, WE DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU TALK TO RACHEL ANYWAY.” It should be noted that as soon as they announced Whaboom as the winner, Blake literally went off saying that Whaboom clearly cheated and he should be disqualified. BLAKE. NO. ONE. CARES. Ashton is clearly not a fan of Whaboom, but Mila seems to know what’s up:
Ashton: What’s whaboom?
Mila: It’s the sound he makes.
Ashton: For what?
Mila: Just for excitement.
Ashton: Why?
Mila: Just because he can.
So for the cocktail party, the guys head back to RC Vintage, a place they’ve been frequenting the last few seasons, and I’m tryna go to ASAP. Rachel thanks the guys for the day and then she wants to grab Whaboom first. Might as well get it over with. He weirdly like tries to speak sincerely, but I’m just v uncomfortable with it. Seems like Rachel might be, too. While Whaboom and Rachel are being awkward, Blake breaks it to the guys: HE KNOWS WHABOOM. I mean, vaguely explains Blake’s butt-hurtness over Whaboom, but also no one cares, Blake. Apparently Blake’s roommate is Whaboom’s ex-girlfriend and Blake says that Whaboom is just a total clown. Blake. Literally no one thinks Whaboom isn’t a clown. So, while Blake is breaking the news, Whaboom has prepared a poem for Rachel. It is not good, nor does it actually rhyme to my memory, and she cannot keep a straight face - she says thank you and then gives him the tiniest little baby peck and I hate it. Fred is next and I’m still v weirded out by this situation and so is she - she says she’s having a hard time seeing Fred as an adult. Same. But he is really sweet. Then we cut to the montage of the guys being straight up CREEPS and Rachel saying that she wants guys to make the first move, but also, she’s not feeling even the slightest bit romantic with any of the guys. This montage includes Jack Stone tilting his head and being an actual SERIAL KILLER, Jonathan telling her how to change a diaper, and Iggy clearly having just left a sauna. I hate it.
We’re back at the mansion and it’s time for date card number two, it’s, again, perfect and not overly punny: “Peter: I’m looking for my best friend - Rachel”. Y’ALL.
Alright, so we’re back at RC Vintage and Whaboom and Blake are having their “fight”. It’s lame. Whaboom thinks he’s genuine and his personality is something he can just turn on and off. OFF, PLEASE. Following this very, very unimpressive conflict, Blake and Rachel go to chat and he literally just spends his whole time complaining about Whaboom. It’s so clear that Rachel is not into him, but also that she’s a little concerned that this grown man thinks she loves Whaboom genuinely and he’s not a producer pick. Aw, Blake, you’re SO DUMB. We move on to Dean. DEAN! Finally a man named Dean that’s not a disappointing character (Here’s lookin’ at you Jared Padalecki). They’re super cute together clearly and finally this girl is getting some romance. I mean, their conversation is very much surface level, but I kinda love it. She brings up his opening line and says that she fully knows some people are gonna hate it, but she loved it, and she was actually kinda pissed she didn’t get to say it first. They laugh and have fun and it’s all really cute - he doesn’t kiss her, though, which, he obvi should have. Also, do you guys remember the classic Bachelor / Bachelorette seasons in which they didn’t kiss people for like weeks at a time? THANK GOD THAT’S OVER. Show me passion, people! So, we’re back with the rest of the guys and apparently the Blake/Whaboom fight isn’t over. Here’s the confusing part though: Blake’s reasoning for hating Whaboom was that he lives with Whaboom’s ex-girlfriend and that’s how he knows Whaboom is a joke. But then, all of a sudden, Whaboom says that he knows that Blake is crazy because of that same girl. But SURPRISE, that girl is actually crazy and is getting evicted? Literally, the conversation is basically this:
Whaboom: I know you’re crazy because of this girl!
Blake: I know YOU'RE crazy because of this girl!
Whaboom: Well that girl is the crazy one!
Blake: You’re right, she’s getting evicted!
Uhhhhhhhhh wut. Kenny’s over it and walks away to go talk to Rachel. They go sit down and Kenny tells Rachel that his daughter’s middle name is Rachel (aww) and he so clearly loves his daughter so much. He tells Rachel that he has a vision for he and his daughter and he just wants to find someone to join in on the adventures. Rachel, kind of weirdly, brings up that Kenny is one of the older guys in the house - they never really bring up age in actual conversation on the show, so it’s kinda weird. Also, I don’t fully understand her point in bringing it up here, but he spins it well and says that he’s looking for "real". They head back to the rest of the guys and it’s finally time for her to give the group date rose - can she give it to no one, tho? Like is that an option? It should be noted that AGAIN THEY APPLAUD. I want them in the audience of everything I ever do, this season’s guys are SUPPORTIVE. She ends up giving it to Dean and he truly is so cute. Like literally Merriam-Webster’s definition of adorable. He gets the rose and then offers to walk her out to the car like a true adorable, cute gentleman! He kisses her and it’s so adorable and cute! Also, he’s clearly gonna be the Bachelor - heyoooo!
FINALLY IT’S TIME FOR PETER. OH. MY. GOD. Y’all. I want to keep writing just one word at a time, but also I really want to get into this. So Peter and Rachel head off in their Tesla Model X (STILL LOVE IT) and he’s driving and just something about the simple act of him driving her made me squeal. Clearly I’m showing my cards already, but Peter might just be the best man. Like of all men, Peter might be the best man. His damn salt and pepper hair, bright blue eyes, and KIND SPIRIT. CAN WE TALK ABOUT HIS KIND SPIRIT? So, they pull up to an airport hangar and they’re about to hop on a little private jet on the way to Palm Springs and then she drops the bomb: THIS IS GOING TO BE A TWO-ON-ONE. Oh HELL NO you don’t throw Peter on a two-on-one week one! Rachel says that she had a friend that was in a bad accident and she wants him (him) to join them on the date. CUE COPPER. POOR LITTLE INJURED COPPER! OMG that damn cast, I just about shed a tear for poor little Copper’s paw! So Peter gets to meet Copper and he asks what happens OF COURSE and Rachel says that they’ll talk about it later? Uh, okay? She tweeted later that poor little Copper jumped off of something and broke a bone in his paw. OMG. But anyway, Peter and Copper are FULLY bonded. Like Copper loves Peter almost as much as America and presumably Rachel in about 7 weeks. So, they get to Palm Springs and SURPRISE THEY’RE GOING TO BARK FEST. Y’all. I SHOUTED at the screen, I need to go to BarkFest yesterday. So they do just a gratuitous pan of all the most adorable dogs in the world at this event which has pools for them to play in and obstacles for them and treats for them and it is just heaven! Little Copper loves it too and even gets in the kiddie pool even though Rachel says he normally doesn’t like water. COPPER. IS. LIVING. While Copper is #livinghisbestlife, Rachel and Peter hang out in a child-like ball pit and talk about whether they would move for someone - they both say yes. Peter even hopes to move from Madison and she STRAIGHT UP ASKS IF HE WOULD MOVE TO DALLAS. I mean, come on you guys. Clearly I personally love Peter, but there’s just no one could watch their date and think that it wasn’t the most natural chemistry. Rachel legit says he’s dreamy!
Before I fully freak out, we go back to the house to see the final date card of the night: “Will, Jamey (who and why), Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, DeMario: Swish - Rachel”. SUBTLE, UNDERSTATED, CLASSIC. THAT’S HOW YOU WRITE A DATE CARD, PEOPLE.
K BACK TO PETER. Peter and Rachel are at the La Quinta resort in Palm Springs, which is only noteworthy because Amanda Stanton was recently paid to stay at and promote the resort on Instagram! Copper has changed into his EVENING CAST. Y’all. THEY GAVE HIM DAMN SPARKLES ON HIS CAST I’M OBSESSED. Peter is also wearing a double breasted suit and I can’t help but note that his evening looks so far this season have been very out of the box. Not at all in a bad way, but the man has only worn two jackets so far and one was full plaid and now this, an oft forgotten cut of jacket. I’m about it. They have a v natural conversation about how Peter’s family is really supportive of him going on the show and his dad even started watching The Bachelor so he could see Rachel and he fully gave the thumbs up before he left. Rachel brings up their matching tooth gap and how they both never really wanted to change it because it gave them character. THEN PETER JUST FULLY BRINGS UP THEIR FUTURE CHILDREN. My god, what has this show done to me. Legit such a 180 from the date yesterday, this is how you date a woman, folks. They segue into talking about their past relationships and learn that both of them went to therapy during tough times in their last relationships and it was a huge help to them. SHOUTOUT TO BROADCAST TELEVISION FOR SUPPORTING THERAPY, Y’ALL! Rachel says that he’s scaring her - like I legit think she’s wondering if they can just end the show right now. She just so quickly gives him the rose and then they get up and hug and then she grabs him and kisses him and, guys, I gotta be honest here. As much as I loved that they were kissing, it was not the world’s most passionate kiss. It worked for me, but I’m ready to see more in the future. She grabs Copper and their little family heads out to ANOTHER FIELD, but this time it’s night and Peter apparently can name constellations and then fireworks go off and they kiss again and it’s just so damn magic. SHE’S A SMITTEN KITTEN. I love it so much. My main fear is that Peter is kinda a shy dude and she’s clearly super into him, I’m just hoping he’s open enough with her and reciprocates her affection. But also, he straight up says he can see Rachel as someone he could spend the rest of his life with. SO.
Ugh we have to go to another date right now. So the guys show up to this gym including someone who has a man bun? Who are you, sir, and why? Rachel joins them and tells them that they’re going to be playing basketball - she grew up playing competitively, so she thought it would be fun. But, wait, she brought a friend: it’s damn Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Truly why are you here, you very insanely famous person? Also, I had to look up Kareem to ensure I was spelling his last name correctly, and did you know the man is 70-YEARS-OLD? I mean holy shit he looks good for 70 years old. So they do this whole thing of the men doing drills and it’s a lot of Josiah and Lee being bad and DeMario dunking way too aggressively. I mean, he is truly very good at basketball, but come on, man, be more subtle. Rachel loves it though, and when she and Kareem sit down to have a heart-to-heart, she brings it up. First of all, Kareem simply cannot look Rachel in the eye. But secondly, he thinks DeMario is too cocky. WHO KNEW KAREEM AND ASHTON WOULD END UP BEING REALLY GOOD JUDGES OF CHARACTER ON THESE DATES??? Now it’s time for the real competition and it for real looks super fun - they have like a million people come to watch the game along with a whole marching band (SHOUT OUT TO THE TRUMPET PLAYER) and it just genuinely looks like a good time. It’s potentially the lowest scoring game in history, but Team White wins - I think there were cutesy names for the teams, but either they didn’t say them enough or they weren’t cute enough for me to remember. Team White, mind you, does not have DeMario. Honestly a little surprising. Maybe my favorite part of this date, though, is that all of these guys are just like insanely good sports? Like I feel like in most sports dates, there’s always one guy who’s a crazy dick about losing. EXHIBIT A: BLAKE. I’m Team Everyone On This Date for being fun. So, they’re wrapping up the date, the guys are in the locker room, Rachel is meeting some fans and this girl Lexi walks up to her - no real pleasantries, she just said she turned on the TV last week to see After the Final Rose and her boyfriend was there. Yo. Let me start by saying that it’s clear that Lexi miiiiight be a little bit crazy, too, and also doesn’t seem to have the full accurate story, but SHE’S BEEN DATING DEMARIO FOR SEVEN DAMN MONTHS. Y’ALL. I saw the preview for this last week, but I 100% did not think it was going to be DeMario. Lexi says that DeMario fully ghosted her and she just had no idea what was happening. Rachel goes to grab DeMario to hear what he has to say and the turn of the corner, the look in his eyes, the “oOOOOH WHO’S THIS?”. TELEVISION. GOLD. I’m not going to get into every last detail about this interaction because it legit doesn’t make sense, but apparently DeMario still has the keys to this girl’s apartment, well at least she swears on her two kittens sleeping that he does. It gets to the point where Rachel has to look through this girl’s phone and even though there’s no definitive answer, this is so clearly shady so Rachel tells him to GET THE FUCK OUT. YES. BAI DEMARIO! It was so confusing, but I’m HERE for Rachel not putting up with anyone’s shit. She goes back to talk to the rest of the guys and tells them that she sent home DeMario and gets emotional saying she is not here to get played, so if any of them have anything to hide, this is the time to say something. It was crazy watching the guys, though, because they clearly thought he was getting the group date rose, as did DeMario clearly. For the cocktail party, they head to a renovated Rainforest Cafe - Rachel says that tonight she needs to see beyond the charm of these men to make sure they’re here for the right reasons. First up is Josiah who is really hurt to see Rachel get hurt and their kiss is exactly fine. Rachel is right, though, Josiah kind of got played by DeMario, too, they were besties. Jamey couldn’t be sitting physically farther from her, Will is reading from like a playing card or something, and Alex was the one with the man bun. Alex also sings to her in Russian and it’s V uncomfortable. The song he’s singing is apparently “an old Russian folk song about dark eyes”. How specific. Eric is next and might have been crying? They talk about their love languages (yahs) - Eric’s are quality time and acts of service and Rachel’s are quality time and physical touch. I like weirdly love Eric in this conversation, like he’s a little bit of a kooky guy, but I’m loving him right now - she was very clearly ready to kiss him so I’m happy for her. They head back so she can give out the group date rose and she says that she would give out 9 roses tonight if she could (sorry Date 1 guys and all the guys who didn’t get a date this week, y’all’s chances look slim), but she gives the rose to Josiah, which I think is an interesting choice based on the edit of the episode, but okay.
It’s rose ceremony day and it’s pouring outside (editor’s note: it was hella rainy in LA this winter, clearly production didn’t have to wet the driveway as much this year). He dress is BOMB as is Diggy. I’m worried about my obsession with Diggy. He’s the best. The cocktail party starts and Bryan grabs her first and they’ve missed each other and waste no time making out. Once they finally stop, Bryan says that he doesn’t want her to feel all emotional and like he said last week, he wants to be her stress relief so takes her and gives her a tiny massage! Bryan, please come to my home, I am in need of a tiny massage, thank you. Next, someone I don’t know wants to build a dream house with Rachel, then I think after that there’s even another guy with props. Like, did Carrot Top sponsor this season, tho?? But wait. Someone’s at the entrance. IT’S DEMARIO. YO, WHY YOU COME BACK, DEMARIO????? Chris Harrison goes out to talk to him and ask him why he’s here. DeMario says that someone assassinated his character, so he wants a chance to explain himself to Rachel. Chris says he’ll talk to Rachel about it, but he can’t come in - when he finds Rachel it’s like she knew that he was going to come back. She’s curious, though, and so am I, like what could he possibly have to say now. The guys catch wind that he’s out there and they all head out to go find him, as does Rachel. Then, TO BE CONTINUED. AHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOO.
Next week on The Bachelorette: some of the guys are getting crazy aggressive outside with DeMario, Lee starts to show his crazy, and kind of everything is falling apart. I CAN’T WAIT.