The Bachelorette, Season 13: Week 1

We’re back! The level of excitement I have for this season is UNREAL. Seriously. I turned on my TV to watch and I literally squealed with joy. I don’t know if anyone’s pointed it out recently, but we’re on the 34th incarnation of this franchise and that’s not even counting the spin offs (shout out to the weird winter one we’ll get this coming year). You’d think by this point Bachelor Nation would be over this format. COULDN’T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. If you go back and look at all my recaps for JoJo’s season, I talk at length about her being the best Bachelorette in history. UNTIL NOW. Rachel might be the world’s perfect person and I’m am ready to start this damn journey with her. LET’S DO IT!

We open on Rachel’s photoshoot with, like, this weirdly depressing music. Huh? She is just the most personable ever, though, and even these people who are likely glad to be employed, but also whole heartedly hate the franchise LOVE her. Hard same. We head to the soaking wet mansion where Chris Harrison says that out of all the seasons they’ve done (THIRTY FOUR, PEOPLE), this is the greatest outpouring of love and support they’ve had for a Bachelor or Bachelorette yet. YEAH, ABC, WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR APPROXIMATELY 32 SEASONS. He sends us on over to Dallas to catch up with Rachel. Rachel says that this season, she’s just going to be herself, which might make the show a little weird, but that means she’s a little sweet and a little sour, and can definitely be sassy, but always keeps it classy. YES. She is a defense attorney, which I think I knew, but makes me love her even more because, ARE Y’ALL CAUGHT UP ON THE CBS ALL ACCESS EXCLUSIVE SERIES “THE GOOD FIGHT”???? Shoutout to the fictional Rachel, aka Lucca Quinn. Rachel talks about her experience on Nick’s season and how she waited too long to open up to him and that’s probably why she ended up getting the boot. Then we cut to Rachel in the park getting advice from these two older women who need a spinoff right the hell now. “Make the right choice, we’re rooting for you”, says one, “Don’t sleep with all of ‘em”, says the other. COME ON, GRANNIES! The next thing we see is Rachel boarding the plane to LA and O M G. SHE. BROUGHT. HER DOG. I. CAN. NO. LONGER. GO. ON. IN. LIFE. SHE. IS. THE. PERFECT. PERSON. But her dog’s name is Copper? Eh. Also the dog might be @chunkhandler??

Time to meet a couple of these guys: Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King is up first. He’s a wrestler and seems super aggressive, but, no, surprise he has a 10-year-old daughter named Makenzi and he’s an incredibly sweet person. Love him until he says that he’s been around “a lot of rings” in his life, but maybe the next ring he touches is the one he gives to Rachel. Alrighty. Next, we move on to meeting Jack Stone. He’s a lawyer in Dallas. Uh, how big is Dallas? I’ve only been there once and for a jazz conference (JEALOUS??), but surely many of the lawyers at least know of each other there. Also, why the last name? There aren’t any other Jacks this season. V confused. He is an only child and his mom died while he was in high school - because of that, he wants a big family some day. We move to Alex in Detroit who is shaking like a leaf lifting weights. But, SURPRISE, he’s a nerd! Don’t care. Part of his feature is that he love Rubik's Cubes. Uh, okay. Also, they show his family, and, are they Greek? That’s what I’m gathering based on the potentially racist background music, but I also, self-admittedly, know nothing about languages, so I’m not sure. They never bring it up again, so maybe it doesn’t matter? Mohit is from San Francisco and he’s a Bollywood dancer and his family seems fun. Then, then it’s time to meet Lucas. Aka Whaboom. Aka I hate him so much.  I got a message from one of my friends that works in reality TV and he gave me a little insider scoop - Lucas was once a contestant on a TV dating show pilot that was never aired and everyone hated him. So. Guess this isn’t Whaboom’s first go around on the reality dating show circuit. Cool! Also BuzzFeed called him the poor man’s Jim Carrey, which I couldn’t agree with more. He did have some fascinating insight into the English language, though - the word “whaboom” comes from the word “boom”, but it has more energy behind it. Okay! Blake E. is next and he’s obsessed with his penis! He wants everyone to know that he’s a personal trainer and sports nutritionist, but surprise, that’s actually not his job on his title card. Because of, you know, all that physical activity he’s doing, he has more testosterone and a higher libido than the average guy. Also his last relationship was all about sex. DON’T CARE, BLAKE E. He doesn’t want to come across as the guy that talks about his penis. *Immediately talks about his penis.* I feel like if the idea of mansplaining became a human, that human would be Blake E. Diggy is next, he’s from Chicago and he loves fashion, which is how he got his nickname. Someone told him they “liked his digs”. Aren’t “digs” like your home? Am I completely out of touch? He owns 575 pairs of sneakers. I’m stunned. But he has a dog who is the sweetest and he’s super cute and from the Midwest, so I’m loving Diggy so far. Josiah is next and he’s a prosecutor and his parents would describe him as hardworking and driven. He has, truly, one of the saddest stories I’ve ever heard - his brother committed suicide when Josiah was only 7 years old in his backyard. Because of that, he started getting into some bad things and ended up getting arrested at the age of 12, but it was because of a lawyer prosecuting him who told him he was too smart for stuff like this, that he turned his life around. AND NOW HE’S A LAWYER IN THE SAME STATE’S ATTORNEY’S OFFICE. Y’all. I just about asked Josiah to marry me right then and there. We’ll call this moment: B.N.1. or “Before Night 1”, because I LOVED Josiah at this moment in history. Truly loved him. Then almost immediately fell out of love with him the second he showed up at the mansion. So. 

We head back to LA and Rachel gets to drive a Tesla Model X and I’m extremely jealous. Also, we never get to see the Bachelorettes driving, so I’m about this set up. Also, if production is done with that rental, I’ll gladly take it over. Do I care about cars? No. Do I care about electric cars I can’t afford? Apparently! Rachel pulls up to the mansion for the annual pep talk from past Bachelorettes. But wait! OMG. IT’S ALEXIS! Y’all. Instead of former Bachelorettes who Rachel clearly does not know, nor have had much success with the experience, they bring her actual friends! I’m loving this. In addition to Alexis, we see Kristina, Raven, Whitney, Astrid, Corinne, and Jasmine. They actually give just, like, really good advice? Corinne wants Rachel to let her feelings be in control. Alexis doesn’t want her to judge anyone if they come in a costume on the first night. They chat for a second about the guys that she met on After the Final Rose: they all like Eric and Raven loves DeMario. But wait: Whitney says that Sarah from their season knows DeMario and his intentions might not be pure. Woof. Rachel then tells Raven that it was basically because of her that she was eventually able to open up to Nick. Raven starts crying and I start crying because these girls literally love Rachel so much and want her to find love. I’M OBSESSED WITH BROADCAST TELEVISION SHOWING GENUINE FRIENDSHIPS. 

IT’S FINALLY TIME. Chris Harrison gives her a tiny pep talk, she looks amazing in her white dress, and it’s finally time for the first limo. Let’s jump in, kids, no turning back now: First out of the limo is Peter from Wisconsin. He’s in a plaid suit and I love him. He notes that she hasn’t had much luck with Wisconsin boys (same, Rach), but he’s hoping that he can change that for her. TEAM PETER! Josiah is next (I still love him here) and he’s convinced that she will have no “reasonable doubt” by the end of their experience. Uh, okay, my love is starting to fade, Josiah. Bryan is up next and he speaks Spanish - he’s Colombian and he tells her that she’s in trouble, but he looks forward to getting to know her better. She looks forward to getting in trouble. HOW WITTY CAN ONE WOMAN BE? Also, they’re obviously obsessed with each other already. Kenny is next and calls her “Pretty Rachel” like he’s a bird and then does the worm? What’s the worm called if it’s done with arms? AM I COMPLETELY OUT OF TOUCH? Rob is next, he’s wholly unmemorable; Iggy is short, but sweet; and Bryce the firefighter physically picks her up. Next up is Will who is dressed like Urkel, does a full on physical comedy sketch, then heads back into the limo changes at the speed of light and he’s actually super attractive. Diggy is next and I do still kind of love him, Kyle wants to show her his buns, and Blake K. is the sweetest man ever and his grandparents have been married for over 60 years. Brady, the male model, who also might be a spokesmodel for botox, brought ice and a sledge hammer to break the ice. Mmk. He walks into the mansion after his entrance and the guys immediately start calling him “Thor”. I can already tell the guys this season are going to be phenomenal to watch in the mansion. Next up is the limo of guys who have already met her. Tbh, I tried to block that out, because I was trying to forget both Nick and Vanessa’s awkwardness and the awkwardness of these four men just weirdly getting a leg up on the competition and Rachel just having to deal with it on live TV. Dean gets out of the limo first - he wants to remind America that his opening line on ATFR was “Once I go black, I’m never going back”. He wants to remind people he actually said that. But, he actually is really cute and she seems okay with him not only saying it originally, but then again saying it now, tonight. Props to you, Rach. Also, Rachel genuinely remembers these guys as well as repeats the name of each guy as they head into the mansion. SHE’S CLASSY AF. Eric is next and I truly remember nothing about him, DeMario is still really cute, but he’s getting a little cocky for my liking. Not, like, Josiah level cocky, but bordering on annoying. So the final guy she’s already met is Blake E. who comes with a full marching band. He’s also penis guy. I’m putting all of this together at the same time and I’m not interested. Remember, he’s told us he’s a personal trainer, but not anymore! He’s an “aspiring drummer”. Uh, he just like wants to drum in a high school marching band? He literally can’t achieve that dream anymore. TOO LATE, BLAKE E. 

In the house, the guys literally can’t stop talking about how gorgeous they think she is and how smart she is. Chris Harrison comes by to do a little checkup with her and asks her if any guys are standing out right now - she said she’s impressed with Blake E. and she likes DeMario, but she wants to figure out if Whitney was right and if he really is there for the right reasons or not. Fred is next, and at this point, my notes say “Fred is sexy tbh”, then some weird shit happens. So immediately, I’m thrown off, because Fred misses his mark. Like literally misses where he should be standing. So while he’s weirdly standing facing the mansion, he pulls out his yearbook. Alright, I guess I’m fine with this entrance. He’s a cute little third grader. But, SURPRISE. RACHEL IS IN THIS YEARBOOK, TOO, AND SHE’S IN EIGTH GRADE. Wowowowowowow she and I are both very uncomfortable. He walks into the mansion and she says that she remembers Fred and he was a very bad kid. Yikes. Jonathan is next and he’s very awkward and OH SHIT, HE’S TICKLING HER, MAKE IT STOP. He’s a very creepy person. Next is the guy with a guitar this season, Lee, and honestly his voice is terrible. He also gives her a flower that is absolutely ENORMOUS. Like, how was that hiding in his jacket the whole time. Alex rolls up with a tiny, tiny vacuum, Milton took a Polaroid, and oh no, Adam is here and he brought his creepy ass doll Adam Jr. WHY. Next up is a penguin suit (Please, please let him go on BIP with Alexis) being donned by Matt, Grant pulls up in an ambulance, and Anthony is here to understand Rachel. Jamey is kinda short and not very memorable, Jack Stone likes really intense eye contact, and Mohit says that he has the upper hand in the relationship for the one and only time? Jedidiah uses a biblical pickup line and Michael brought a brownie noting that “the blacker the brownie, the sweeter the dude.” Alright. Then, then, it’s time for her to meet Whaboom. He uses his own megaphone to intro himself and Rachel uncomfortably laughs the whole time. It’s dumb. So, while Whaboom is being a Whadouche, the guys have been talking about who they think the crazy guy is going to be this season. Then, the funniest scene of this entire series happens. I recorded it, it’s that good: