The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 5, Pt. 2

Back so soon? You betcha. Here’s hoping our two-episodes-a-week days are behind us folks. As you’ll remember from likely having just read my last recap, Kenny and Lee hate each other and thusly, Kenny is going to whoop Lee’s ass. Let’s head back to the wilderness!

Rachel says that today has been a very confusing day and I gotta say, I agree. I like Kenny, and I will end this episode still liking Kenny, but I also kind of hate him on this whole date. I still believe him, of course, but I also hate him. So, we saw Kenny sauntering toward Lee with the creepiest laugh of all time and finally he reaches him and repeats what Rachel repeated to him. It’s a whole lotta he said – she said – he said – no, he said this date and I’m not about it. Firstly, Lee just flat out denies that he said Kenny pulled him out of a van. Like does this bitch not know that he’s on a television show where literally everything was taped and we can roll back and see all his lies? Kenny just says that if he had ever been physical with Lee, he’d have the scars – again, more stuff I believe from Kenny. He finishes it off by saying that Jesus doesn’t love Lee and I admittedly don’t know much about Jesus’ love, but I have to believe that. Rachel joins them again and holds the rose and WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN. Luckily she says that after hearing what she heard today, she doesn’t trust Lee so BAI, LEE! He literally says “That’s okay, sweetie” and I want to jump through the television and remove his cowboy boots and throw them in the water behind him. She tells Kenny that she’s not ready to give out the rose yet, though, so they’ll hang out later tonight and she can figure out if they can move forward. Kenny and Rachel head to the helicopter, but for some reason Kenny decides to go back and say goodbye to Lee? Like he just goes over and yells at him some more and Rachel and I are both OVER IT. It’s so so dumb. Like, truly, why did Kenny have to do this. Back at the hotel, the guys watch the glass doors which are shaped like the Superman S’s you drew all through middle school and finally the bellman comes to grab Lee’s bags. YUP, BYE, BUDDY. Rachel and Kenny don’t even get to have a dinner or anything, he just shows up to her hotel room so they can talk. She wants to know right away why Kenny felt the need to go back and talk to Lee after they had already left him in the wilderness – he says that he’s verbal and he doesn’t bottle things up, so he just immediately explodes when something is bothering him. She, rightfully, asks if he feels like he has a short fuse – he says no, he thinks he has a very long fuse, but if it goes off, it goes off. Basically, she’s just trying to understand if they’re in a relationship, if something bothers him, is he going to freak out as much as he freaked out on Lee? He basically says that if he loves Rachel, everything he says is going to be measured with that, like there will be love in everything he says. I mean, I get what he’s saying, for sure, but it also 100% sounds like he’s saying that he can’t be completely himself or speak openly, he’ll always be censoring himself. Hmm. He’s a romantic, which is why he’s still here, and he thinks that there’s still something between them – she agrees and likes that he took the time to build up a friendship with him and appreciates his sincerity. I do think they really like each other and I’m glad that he gets the rose, but like, how do you actually come back from something like this? He gets to facetime with his daughter again during his confessional and she says she wishes he could come home and I’m crying so much. Then she says that he deserves to be happy and I’M CRYING EVEN MORE. Omg. My heart can’t take it. He even says that most of him wants to be home with his daughter, but he’s not done here yet.

So, it should be made clear that apparently cocktail parties before rose ceremonies exist anymore on this season and I’m very sad about it. Josiah, while getting ready for the rose ceremony says that they’re at a stage where everyone here as some kind of connection with Rachel, but he still thinks he’s going to be the last man standing. No. Rachel’s ready in the sparkliest best dress ever and the guys have to walk into this castle carrying their own lanterns. They even kept in a second of a producer telling Peter he’s not carrying the lantern well enough. Lol. I love Rachel’s blunt speeches right before she hands out the roses, by the way – tonight she says that she has to focus on the relationships that might last forever, and, oh yeah, to the guys going home tonight, she just doesn’t see them as her husband. Damn. Congrats to Dean, Eric, Peter, Alex, Adam, and Matt. Bai to Anthony and Josiah! Yep, that’s what you get Josiah for not trying to know this woman at all! He turns into a straight up ASS and says that she has bad judgment and it’s weird who she kept in the house. He even calls Alex a KGB spy. Like, dude, you are absolutely a piece of shit if this is your reaction to getting sent home. I felt like Tyra in her iconic ANTM moment – “WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!”. Josiah was like everyone’s pick during his intro in Week 1 and he slowly but surely became a huge asshole. BAI JOSIAH, WE WON’T MISS YOU!

They head to Copenhagen next which I want to go to really badly and the boys get to go out for beers again! I love this camaraderie! They get to the hotel and the first date card arrives: “Eric: I’m cOPEN to love. – Rachel” Don’t love that. Eric feels like he has some momentum and he goes to meet her in a boat and literally he’s so excited I love him again. Spoiler alert, but Eric is absolutely great on this date. She tells him that she loves his energy and they’re going to explore the city together. They hope in a boat and go down this canal and Rachel’s “fun fact” is that sailors used to live in the houses that line the water. YEAH, I WOULD ASSUME. They talk about how many kids they want – Rachel wants 4 and Eric wants 10 and Rachel almost immediately runs out of the boat hahah. They sit down at a little outdoor café or restaurant and this old man assumes they were already married and they’re honestly really cute and seem to have just the absolute best time together. They end up in the middle of this public square where there are hot tubs and they jump in and there’s some weird nudey men who love standing up showing their bits to them. It’s genuinely such a fun date to watch, I love it.

We cut back to the hotel to see the next date card: “Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, Adam: I’ve taken a Viking to you guys. – Rachel” Mmk. That means Will gets a one-on-one! I’m kinda excited! Kenny is not. Dude, you just got a two-on-one. CHILL.

For the evening, Eric and Rachel head to this place called Tivoli, which is apparently the second most visited amusement park in the world. They do bumper cars and play carnival games and go on the carousel and it’s just so fun. Rachel even says that she and Eric are like two big kids and likens them to being childhood boyfriend and girlfriend, which I feel is the best description for their relationship so far. They sit down for burgers (burgers!!!!) and Eric says that he’s a cool square. Truly the PERFECT description for him. He tells Rachel that he never really got love in his life including from his mom and he constantly felt alone. As an adult, every time he came close to love, he started to run, but with Rachel, he’s just letting himself fall and he feels out of control in a good way. She loves his opening up and says that he reminds her a lot of herself and her hesitancy in falling in love. He ends by saying that he’s willing to do whatever it takes to fall in love and now he’s ready. I LOVE IT. She loves that she never questions where she stands with him and then he says that she’s the one for him! What a roller coaster Eric has taken us on, but I am fully back to loving him. Rachel even says she can’t wait to have another date with him! THE BEST SIGN!

Time for the group date and they’re going on a Viking ship. Rachel’s cape is absolutely phenomenal, but not more phenomenal than all these guys are at rowing this boat. It’s quite impressive. Peter is sitting behind Rachel and Bryan is to her left and I’m obsessed. They dock and end up in ANOTHER FIELD with Tom and Morton, the two greatest television characters of the decade. Tom is a whacking fighting instructor who knows a lot about fighting and Viking time and Morton knows exactly the same as Tom. Someone give these two a sketch show right the hell now. Again, the men have to dress up, or as Alex more plainly puts it: “group dates are about dressing up and physical competition”, which obviously means they’re meant for him. They honestly do all look sorta hot in their Viking outfits and Dean has even remembered to keep his undergarments inside his pants! They play these weird Viking games including one called “grease stick”. Adam says that he’s a silent assassin because he looks the most raggedy out of all these guys. The crazy thing about all these Viking games, barring Grease Stick, is that they’re all just designed to kill each other. It does look pretty fun, though, and apparently there were some decisive games which left Kenny and Adam to battle it out for the win. The final competition is them with fake swords and shields trying to kick the other one outside of the ring. Kenny wins, of course, but not before both of them get hid in IDENTICAL places on their left eyebrows and they bleed a lot. Cool! For the cocktail party, Rachel toasts to the guys pillaging her feelings and raiding her heart. Ha. Bryan grabs Rachel first and first things first, they make out. Bryan envisions their future and it’s amazing. She accuses him of being an optimist whereas she would be considered a pessimist compared to him – she’s mostly worried that they live in two different places and that his family won’t like her. She’s clearly so  ready to go to his hometown already. She says that the thing she likes most about Bryan is that he accepts her, flaws and all, and she’s never had that before. YOU GO GET YOUR MAN, RACH! She next tells Peter that the thing that attracted her to him first was that he was nervous and then HE SAYS SHE’S HIS MUSE OMG OMG OMG. Y’all so many men are straight up plucking my heart strings this season, I don’t know if I can last another 5 weeks! She, again, loves that she never has to question where she stands with Peter. We do some quick cuts of her sitting on Dean’s lap, her laughing with Alex, and Adam saying that he thinks love may potentially be in front of him. She sits down with Matt and uses her entire time with him to see how Kenny is. She finally has some time with Kenny and WE LEARN HER DRINK – SHE DRINKS A MANHATTAN. Good for you, Rach. Kenny tells Rachel that it’s getting more and more difficult for him to stay here with his daughter at home and that, if he’s honest, he’s not completely comfortable with where their relationship is so far. They both kind of admit that something’s lacking with the relationship, but they’re not sure what it is. He’s super concerned about bringing Rachel home to meet Makenzi and of course Rachel is also concerned about taking that big of a step. They both agree that the best thing for him would be to go home to his daughter – maybe, maybe they could get there, but they both respect each other enough to say that they’re not meant to be and that’s fine. She walks him out to the car, they kiss goodbye and I’m just so amazed at the maturity from both of them. Kenny says that if Makenzi grew up to be like Rachel, he’ll know he did his job. THAT’S IT, I’M DONE, I’M STILL CRYING ABOUT IT. He calls his daughter and tells her he’s coming home and she says that she’s proud of him. UGH, IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL AND I’M ALSO SAD ABOUT KENNY AND IT’S JUST A LOT OF EMOTIONS. She walks back in to tell the guys and doesn’t dwell on it too much and Peter walks away with the group date rose. It was a stand up day for sure.

Alright, after all that damn EMOTION, it’s time for Will’s one-on-one. She tells him they’re heading to Sweden, which seems fun, and they just sorta walk around on the streets of Sweden exploring. They do physically fit together very well, like they look like they’d make a really cute couple. They’re in a café getting coffee and this older couple sits down with them – they’ve been married for 35 years and they met dancing! I feel like this is genuinely Rachel’s dream right now. She notes, though, that there does seem to be something missing with Will. They’ve basically only had a peck of a kiss and are barely holding hands. They end up at the top of this castle overlooking the sea and it’s stunning, but Will is making absolutely no moves at all. It’s not Jack Stone level cringe-worthy, but I think all of America wanted to grab Will by his collar and shake him around a little for not making this woman feel special. They go to dinner in this old brewery and I want to go to it rn. Rachel toasts to moving forward (yikes) and admits that she doesn’t really know that much about Will. Will instantly says that he usually dates white girls and she’s a little thrown off by it – they grew up basically the same way, but she definitely wouldn’t say that she’s mostly dated white guys. He basically just “blames” his dating experience, if we want to call it that, on his community, but she says they just ended up taking different paths. She asks him to describe what he’s like as a boyfriend and he says that he’s caring and attentive and also passionate and a very physically intimate person. Hmmmmmmmm. Hearing that, she’s really disappointed that she has not at all seen that side of Will. I love that right away she just kind of shuts it down – she grabs the rose and says that they’ve built up this friendship and hearing him talk about how he usually is in relationships, clearly she can tell that he’s just not really that attracted to her. She sends him home, you can tell he feels a little foolish, but dude, you can’t help who you’re attracted to. She’s mostly disappointed because she had really high expectations for her time with Will and it didn’t really pan out. Will seems like a cool guy, for sure, but you could tell pretty early on that he wasn’t all that into her. Good for her for cutting him loose then and there.

So, again, the cocktail party has been cancelled and everyone is very emotional and she’s already crying. She walks into the rose ceremony, clearly very emotional, and starts her speech – she woke up today, looked over at the castle that inspired Hamlet and thought of the Shakespeare quote: “To thine owns self be true”. She starts to get really emotional and has to leave. She takes time to gather herself and returns to the guys and says that the guy she’s saying goodbye to tonight is going to be the hardest goodbye. Congrats to: Bryan, Matt, Dean, and Adam. Bai to Alex! Noooo, I’m very sad! I mean, I knew they weren’t in it to the end, but I love Alex! She admits that they had a really strong connection, but it’s just not at the same place as the rest of the guys. Really? Adam and Matt? They both seem like cool guys, we just haven’t seen anything with them. We’ll miss you, Alex!

Next time on The Bachelorette: she’s crying way, way too much and Peter is blaming himself for the tears. NOOOO. Apparently after one of the nights, she’s going to have a hard time falling in love! TOO MUCH DRAMA! But also, YAHS FINALLY DRESS. Goddamn, I love this show. Until then!