The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 4

PREVIOUSLY ON THE BACHELORETTE: Can you believe we only said goodbye to DeMario officially last episode? These weeks off are really screwing with me. We last left off on a different piece of drama: namely Lee and Iggy started bugging Eric and Eric absolutely freaked out. LET’S JUMP BACK IN!

We come back to the exact same fight - Eric yelling at Lee and the other guys unfortunate enough to be sitting on the couch. Imagine how straight up Brady feels about this drama, he barely even knows what show he’s on anyway. Rachel says that she is starting to see some jealousy in the guys. YES, SAME. So Josiah starts defending Eric, because, I mean, he’s right, everyone is kind of picking on him randomly. Eric’s an intense guy, like just leave him alone. Lee is being a WEIRDO and is straight up giggling in the middle of this fight, but has absolutely nothing to say for himself. Eric says that his ideal outcome of the conversation is that he wants everyone to focus on themselves. Mmk. The rest of the night, Lee is just busy being a dick and literally saying that he didn’t come here to make friends. It’s the age-old philosophical question. What came first: the dick or the guy that didn’t come here to make friends? Kenny and Rachel are chatting and Lee comes and interrupts them and Kenny asks for 60 more seconds so NATURALLY Lee literally counts OUT LOUD to 60 a mere 40 feet away. It’s annoying AF. You know that if Lee were a kid today, he’d be the one with like a thousand fidget spinners at his desk and every time the teacher takes one, he has like eight more just chilling in his desk. So while Lee is trying to interrupt the Pitbull, we cut to Dean inside who is inexplicably wearing a Hawaiian shirt, but is also saying the Lee is a bitch. I’d call that a draw. I’m obsessed with Dean in this conversation, though, he just calls Lee an idiot and then later blatantly calls him out for being a racist to the producers. I’M HERE FOR YOU, DEAN! So Lee finally gets his time with Rachel and spends it giving her this weird raw wooden block with the word “enchanting” haphazardly carved into it. Also his grandpa got cancer—oh yeah, the knife he used to carve the block was his grandpa’s. Mmmk. Back on the couch with Dean, we see Brady and Bryce, which I guess is helpful because I could never remember either of them, but Brady, the model, doesn’t know the word “quirks”. Jack Stone knows that corks go in a wine bottle. Kewl. Bryan and Rachel talk next and go back to the same damn doorway and Rachel tells Bryan that he’s so charming it scares her. Tbh, I feel that from him. He reminds me of Jordan Rodgers in that, they clearly have just like insane chemistry, but also he’s like too nice and maybe just wants to be on TV? I do love their chemistry, though, and he is saying all the right things. Watching them makeout the first 2 times was kinda fun, but now I’m just worried that Bryan learned to kiss when he was extremely drunk and just never learned to bother how to do it properly when sober. Bryan also wants Rachel to leave all the drama that’s happening in the house and just be there with him. Finally, Kenny approaches Lee and asks to talk to him and Lee is THE WORST during this scene. Kenny is trying to explain everything that’s bothering him about Lee, but Lee just says “GET TO IT”, like NO, DUDE. Rachel was sitting with Bryce at this point and overhears it and she rightfully is a little surprised to hear that it’s Kenny that’s the one going after Lee. Peter sits down with her and says that he’s avoiding all the drama. She eventually leaves the cocktail party while absolutely nothing is resolved between the guys, we just know that Lee is a certifiably horrible person. In her confessional, Rachel says that she was disappointed in the guys tonight. She gets emotional about being a black woman and the pressures that she’s getting from so many different directions. I’m here to tell you that I’m a white woman who has had no real struggle in my life and, like, can we just give it up to Rachel for being open and honest about this? Like there are millions of people that watch this show every week and we’ve just now gotten a black lead in the show and she’s already having to deal with a guy that’s a straight up racist? She’s poise and class and will legitimately change the hearts and minds of so many people that watch this show and I’m proud of her. All I’m saying is that I guess I am judging Rachel’s decisions and she’s MAKING ALL THE RIGHT ONES. It was also kind of nice to hear that one of the producers was being a human being who wasn’t just there to get great TV. But, I digress. Chris Harrison walks in to talk to the guys that the cocktail party is cancelled, they’re going on to the rose ceremony right away. I’m sorry, was that not already like 6 straight hours of a cocktail party? Anyway, Rachel walks in and tells the guys that tonight was really heavy and frustrating. Congrats to: Will, Dean, Jonathan, Peter, Adam, Bryan, Matt, Josiah, Jack, Iggy, Kenny, and Lee. NOOOOOOOO. GUYS!!!!!!! DIGGY’S GOING HOME!!!!!!! I’m heartbroken, but HE’S GOING TO PARADISE I COULDN’T BE MORE THRILLED. Also bai to Brady and Bryce who I didn’t take the time to learn about anyway.

We’re in Hilton Head Island this week and the guys are all in these tiny golf carts and I love it. Unfortunately, though, the producers found yet another balcony on which the guys could scream Rachel’s name. Oh, what I would have given to have been in that hotel that day to hear them have to do it like 50 times just to get the shot right. First date card is here: “Dean: Our love is about to take off…Rachel” I’M SO EXCITED. Dean says that he wants to use this date to prove that he’s not just a smiley guy. So, Rachel and Dean meet up and then instantly travel to another city. Hmm, guess Hilton Head Island wasn’t as exciting as I initially thought. They end up at this FIELD again (I guess the theme of the season is FIELDS) in Bluffton, South Carolina. They have a cute lil picnic on top of their jeep and then Dean spots the blimp. We also find out that Rachel use to call blimps “bimps” and we find out they’re going on the bimp! I didn’t know I was afraid of blimps until this date, and it seems like Dean didn’t know either. So, all of America learned at the same time that blimps don’t actual land, but the landing that they can do only uses a single wheel? They sit in the blimp for awhile while Dean is freaking out and I guess to alleviate the fear, Rachel suggests they MAN A BLIMP???? I mean, it would be fun to fly something, I guess, but not a BLIMP. Rachel jumps in and then Dean jumps into the pilot seat and asks the obvious question: “Is there anything I can do to just absolutely destroy us right now?” I certainly hope not. He settles into it a little, though, and Rachel says that she loves how Dean is taking complete control of his environment. They both like that they push each other out of their comfort zones then they make out a little and I love them. The guys back at the hotel apparently saw the blimp conveniently, then they all just go on a little rant about how young Dean is. Hmm.

Date card number 2! “Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Iggy, Eric, Will, and Josiah: I want to see who’s ready for a commitment…Rachel” Uh, two things with this. One, FRIGGEN JACK STONE IS GETTING A ONE-ON-ONE?!?!?!??!? Also, now that I’ve watched this whole episode, what the hell did this date card have to do with any part of their date??

Dean and Rachel head to dinner in this absolutely STUNNING chandelier tree. They love hanging out with each other and she says that they have light, comfortable, and easy conversation; she’s worried, though, that he’s not ready to get ready and start a family because he’s the youngest guy in the house. They start talking about their parents – Rachel’s have been together for 38 years and she grew up in a strict and religious household. Dean says that his foundation was also religious and then he shares that his mom passed away when he was 15. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when he was 9 and was in remission, then it came back really severely. He remembers being with his mom in her hospice room and he asked her when she was coming home and she told him that she was never coming home again. His dad told him on October 21, 2006 that his mom died and from there, the family kind of fell apart – his siblings all moved away and his dad wasn’t around so he was basically alone from 15-18. He tells Rachel that she’s the first person he’s ever opened up to about this, but he wanted to tell her that he wants to be a father and have a close knit family. Rachel, in her confessional, says that this was absolutely heartbreaking for her to hear, but she didn’t want to cry because she was worried that it would make him cry more. She loves that he came out of his experiences with optimism, though, and I’m just obsessed with them. Dean is, for real, a stand up guy. He gets that rose and then they head to a private concert. BUT WAIT! I ACTUALLY KNOW THE CONCERT GIVER! So Russell Dickerson went to college with me and graduated a few years ahead of me and most of his band was people who went to school with me, too, and he absolutely does not know anything about me, but HOW FUN??? Also, his wife is from Wisconsin and knows JoJo and I’m so close to being in the inner Bachelor circle, I can feel it.

Alright, so now it’s time for the biggest group date in the history of the world – they’re going on a boat and are just drinking and quite literally doing nothing? They dance around a little bit, we find out that the guys just call Jonathan “Tickle”, which I love, and Josiah is getting cocky again. Peter and Rachel are a bit bold and just recreate the iconic Titanic pose. Then, unfortunately, they start to rap… Kenny is exactly fine at it, but seems to think he’s amazing and then all of a sudden PETER STARTS RAPPING. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. If we’re being 100% honest, he’s not like the worst of all time. Also, I’m pleasantly surprised by Peter on this date – he’s seemed so incredibly shy and finally seems like he is shy to some extent, but also is just like a cool, fun person to hang out with. They get off the boat and head over to this weird outdoor area with like 60 middle-aged women who are hear to watch the Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee. Lol. Rachel and these three children are judging. It’s vaguely entertaining to watch these guys spell these words wrong, but all in all, nothing all that exciting happens. Peter can’t spell “coitus”, but honestly, spellcheck did the heavy lifting for me on that one, too. Josiah wins and is working the crowd a lot and I still like Josiah in the abstract, but he’s a little too obsessed with Josiah for my liking. They end up at this weird house for the cocktail party, like it literally looks like they just found someone’s basement from 1989 – Josiah is drinking from his trophy, which I respect immensely. Peter and Rachel chat for a bit and he says that he had an unexpectedly good time on the group date. She loved when he freestyled and says that she likes the organic nature of their relationship. Neither of them would wear shoes if they didn’t have to (same) and then AGAIN they talk about moving closer to each other: Rachel’s even licensed to practice law in Wisconsin if they end up there. I LOVE THEM. Eric and Rachel get back to having a normal conversation and we find out that Rachel likes to clean and listen to ratchet music to relax. The weird part of her interaction with Eric is not the actual interaction, but her confessional when she says “Eric and I can really be something” and then she INSTANTLY averts her eyes. This whole time, Iggy’s been a little weirdo and it’s finally his time to talk to Rachel and instantly he STARTS THE DRAMA again. He tells Rachel that he questions Josiah, but really, we’re all here to say that Iggy is just a little tattle tale and WE DON’T NEED HIM. Again, Iggy goes back to this huge group of guys and is just like “oh, by the way, dudes, I just used my time with Rachel to tell her about your insincerity”. Like, OF COURSE, these guys are going to fire back at him, he’s being the absolute worst. Josiah even accuses Iggy of doing drugs and steroids??? While that drama is happening, Lee and Rachel sit down SO physically far from each other and he concocts this whole story about the reasons that Kenny yelled at him. It’s dumb, but Rachel does seem to buy it a little. Rachel meets up with Kenny next and he decides to rap again?? Rachel addresses the drama right away, though, and wants to hear his side of the story with what happened at the last cocktail party. Kenny just says that Lee was baiting him and he doesn’t think he handled the situation right. He and America can tell that Rachel likes Kenny, but doesn’t entirely believe his side of the story. Honestly, I like Kenny, but both of these guys are being a little annoying about it. Obviously Lee times 100000000, but I feel like Kenny didn’t explain it all that well either. Bryan interrupts Kenny, which apparently is cool, and then Kenny goes to find Lee. He calls Lee an “alternative facts” kind of person, YIKES. Kenny taps Lee on the shoulder and takeshim outside to talk and all the guys gather to try to listen and then TO BE CONTINUED. UGHHHHH.

NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELORETTE: KENNY IS BLEEDING! Kenny is crying! Kenny is on a two-on-one with Lee! TWO NIGHT EVENT! Unfortunately, though, it seems we may have to sit through a one-on-one with Jack Stone. K BAI!

The Bachelorette, Season 13: Week 3

IT CONTINUED. Guys, just once I want them to come back not even addressing the reason the last episode was "To be continued...". I mean, I'd be pissed, but it would be genius. Luckily, the producers of The Bachelor clearly don't have as weird a sense of humor as I, so they jumped right back in to the drama with DeMario. LET'S DO IT. 

Like we saw last week, all the guys seem to want to just absolutely destroy DeMario for coming back to the mansion. We also left off with Rachel saying that her curiosity was at an all time high, so she wanted to go see what DeMario could possible have to say. Weirdly this week, she tells Chris Harrison that it "took guts" for DeMario to come back to the mansion. NO, RACHEL, IT TOOK AN OVER INFLATED EGO. So she walks over to DeMario, all of the guys literally right behind her eavesdropping on the conversation, and DeMario says that he came back to the mansion to regain her trust. One of his favorite quotes is "In order to experience joy, you need pain." That would be DeMario's favorite quote. He also tells Rachel that on the way here, he told his driver (:face_with_rolling_eyes:) that he was coming for the woman of his dreams. Gag. Finally he lets Rachel speak and she says that she needs someone who owns up to their mistakes when they're confronted with them and she gave him that opportunity several times and he just didn't own up to it. Truthfully, he would probably still be there if he had openly said that he had screwed up. Then she says that DeMario is a boy, but she is looking for a man and she hopes he moves forward from this situation, but forward is not this way to the mansion, but it's that way outside. I LITERALLY HEARD AMERICA'S COLLECTIVE MIC DROP. I mean, YAHHHSSS RACHELLLLL! I was riding high and thought that would be the quote of the night, but no, she turns back to the men, who, again, are RIGHT behind her and someone says:

SOME GUY: He's not coming back, is he?

RACHEL: Fuck no!

Literally wanted to dance around it was so fun to watch. In her confessional she says that DeMario had absolutely nothing to bring to the conversation other than begging. YEP. The guys are just all kind of awestruck and seem to have figured out that this girl is NOT messing around. As the kids say: I'M HERE FOR IT!

Finally, we can return to the cocktail party and we jump back in in the weirdest way possible. WHAT ARE THESE GIANT HANDS, JONATHAN??????????????? They're literally never explained! WHY ARE THEY HERE??? Rachel apparently likes that Jonathan makes her laugh, but if GIANT HANDS are your only gimmick, I can't imagine he's that fun at a dinner party. The rest of the night, though, Rachel is seemingly just slightly buzzed and for real having the best time ever at this cocktail. Alex is completing a Rubick's Cube while talking to her, well, wait, he's actually just completing a single side of the cube. Kenny brought photos of his daughter, and Will brought a Little Tikes basketball hoop and then they kiss! Again, THE PROPS BUDGET THIS SEASON WAS OUT OF CONTROL. Whaboom is still here, by the way, as is Blake who cannot get over it. So Rachel first sits down with Whaboom and he tells her that Blake probably has a crush on him (subtle homophobia, COOL JOB, WHABOOM) and he has a story to back it up. Apparently one night Blake was standing over Whaboom's bed in the night eating a peeled banana? I mean, I would hope it was peeled. Rachel asks the obvious question: "Did he finish the banana?" We cut to Blake and Rachel brings this up to him. She's so clearly over this tomfoolery, but damn is it funny to watch. She tells him the story and Blake says that it's obviously false because he doesn't eat carbs, so he wouldn't eat a banana. WHO. CARES. BLAKE. GET. OVER. YOUR. SELF. Ugh. Time for the Rose Ceremony anyway - let's get these clowns outta here. First, Rachel apologizes for the DeMario situation taking up their time. She also says that she made the decisions she's made because with some of the guys, she just doesn't see a future with them. GOOD. Congrats to: Bryan, Bryce (who?), Eric, Anthony (WHOOOOOO?), Will, Jonathan (why?), Jack, Matt (Even Whaboom doesn't know who Matt is), Alex, Adam, Kenny, Brady (TRULY NEVER SEEN THIS MAN), Lee, Iggy, Fred, and DIGGY THANK GOD. Big ole bai to Jamey, Whaboom, AND, Blake. Literally praise Jesus. Whaboom says that it's a "sad day, sad day in paradise". Ugh, hope we don't see him there even though I'm worried we might. So Whaboom and Blake are both doing their exit interviews and Whaboom is feigning sincerity while Blake is just complaining that he went out on the same night as Whaboom. Eventually Blake says "Time to kill this guy" and walks over and puts his hand on Whaboom's shoulder and gives an inspiring speech:

BLAKE: I just wanna say fuck you, bro, you're a piece of shit.

Like DAMN, Blake! He says some other stuff, too, it's honestly quite a long speech and then the two just go at it. Blake won't stop saying the Whaboom is a failed comedian and that if he weren't there, he and Rachel would have had a real shot at winning. OKAY, BLAKE. Even Whaboom, though is like "It's not about winning, it's about the world, brother." It's legitimately so embarrassing for both of them. It gets to the point where Whaboom just repeats everything Blake says like a little middle schooler and Blake keeps saying that Whaboom doesn't even know what funny is. IT'S AMAZING. Legitimately some of the best television of 2017. These two deserve Razzie awards. I mean, so clearly a show with the two of them is already being pitched and I, for one, will certainly watch the first episode and then promptly forget about both of them ever being on my screen ever. 

FINALLY the actual episode is starting, like, wow. First date card arrives: "Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred: Lights, camera, action. Come join me on the set of Ellen! - Rachel" I MEAN, WHAT A CARD! Also, full disclosure, I saw 98% of this date already because they aired it on the Ellen show and y'all know I keep up with all Bachelor franchise related appearances on talk shows! Also, again while the card was being read, the men literally clapped the entire time. These guys love each other so much. Rachel goes and meets Ellen and briefs her on the guys that she's about to meet. Ellen says that she hopes that one of guys here today is the guy that she ends up with. SAME, ELLEN, THERE'S SOME GOOD MEN ON THIS DATE. So Ellen goes to meet all the guys, Bryan is very bold and kisses Ellen on the cheek. He also says that he's going to make a fool of himself. So, again, because I keep up with definitely too many Bachelor things, I know a couple of things about this date already. One, Bryan is ANNOYING AF on this date. Like truly the worst. But, he did post a photo on Insta of this date and in the caption revealed that the guys were all pretty hammered while on TV, which doesn't give him a pass, but does explain a lot. Also, he, Will, and Josiah are besties. Maybe they'll all be on for awhile? So anyway, Rachel tells Ellen that she's kissed someone and she alludes to it being surprising and good - she's kissed like 6 guys at this point, we can assume she's talking about Bryan's kiss, but it's unconfirmed. Bryan is an ass, grabs the mic from Ellen and says it was him and then Will is like "YEAH I KISSED HER TOO" and Peter stands there like a REAL GENTLEMAN. They make the guys take off their shirts and dance for money and it's all relatively boring, or maybe just because I've seen the entire thing before. They sit down with Ellen and play "Never Have I Ever" and it's pretty funny. Peter and Alex say they haven't thought about having sex with Rachel. LOL. Alex peed in the pool at the mansion, Will, Peter, and Alex have texted a nude, and Fred has hooked up with someone twice his age. AGAIN, Rachel brings up that Fred was a bad kid and Fred, clearly getting annoyed with it at this point is just like, "BUT I WAS A KID, THOUGH". We get the reveal that of these six, Will, Peter, and Bryan have kissed her and Jonathan and Fred are a little butt hurt about it. Fred is genuinely like the sweetest person, though. They go to their cocktail party and Rachel tells the guys that her favorite part of the day was watching the guys take their shirts off obviously. Same tbh. She's drinking white wine tonight - I've been trying to see what her drink is, but she seems like like to switch it up. Girl after my own heart. She talks with Alex first and he tells her that he feels comfortable in a lot of weird or awkward situations and he loves that Rachel makes him nervous. He also loves that when she's looking him in the eye, she looks at his left eye which is the emotional side and the right eye is logical, so clearly she's more invested in someone's emotions when getting to know them. He loves it, she loves it, I love it. Alex is like, weirdly, a super cool guy, I'm into it. Alex finally gets his kiss and I'm about it. Bryan wants to give Rachel his all, Peter has a sweet and intimate hug and kiss, and then Fred says he's been waiting to kiss Rachel for 20 years. YIKES. OKAY. SO. Fred and Rachel sit down and then Fred just straight up ASKS IF HE CAN KISS HER. I'm for real so uncomfortable. Even Rachel is like "uhhhhh wut". He does end up kissing her and it's fine, I guess, but I'm still V WEIRDED OUT. After that, she heads back to the guys and grabs the rose and says she has to talk to Fred again. Hmm, maybe she did like the kiss? NOPE. She tells him that she can't get him out of her head as a little boy and she wanted to end it now before more feelings are evolved. She truly is the classiest lady. All the guys look on as poor Fred gets sent home. Weirdly Fred says that he was already falling in love with her. DAMN. The group date rose ends up going to Alex, which I'm v happy about. 

So back at the mansion, Eric says that he got nervous when Fred went home because he doesn't feel passion with Rachel and even says that she's emotionally unavailable. Huh??? We also find out that Eric has never been in a real relationship. Also, a date card came, but we didn't get to see it - Anthony's on the one-on-one this week, and it seems like even the producers are like "We made a mistake, his date will be exactly fine, please don't get invested". So, because Rodeo Dr. and the rodeo are spelled the same, they do this dumb date whereby Anthony and Rachel are riding horses into stores on Rodeo Dr. Literally everyone is so confused and I am LIVID for these store owners. I mean, sure, it's free press, but AT WHAT COST? They get cowboy boots and a letterman's jacket and then "horse" cupcakes from the Sprinkles ATM. I'M OVER IT. I mean Rachel is cool and Anthony is cool, but this is a dumb date. The horse even pooped in the store. They end up essentially in the same spot in Griffith Park as La La Land, which is very beautiful and typically a very busy area. They do seem to have some chemistry and Anthony is an old soul and says that he grew up rich in love and wants to be a father. They dance and kiss and it's really sweet, but I'm just not at all investing in this relationship.

The next date card comes: "Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, Eric: Sometimes in relationships, the women have to take charge. - Rachel". Mmmk. Anthony returns to the house and OF COURSE they clap for him and they all clearly love him. Eric, meanwhile keeps saying that he's emotionally available and Rachel is not and he thinks that Rachel is playing a game, like, no, dude. Iggy jumps in and tries to figure out what he's saying or why he's half-shitting on Rachel, but that does not go according to plan. 

The guys on the last date are sitting in the living room trying to figure out what their date might be - the date card was not quite as obvious as the Ellen date card, so I half understand their confusion. Rachel walks in and says that she brought some people here that know her better than the guys do now, so she wanted them to plan the date. THEN IN WALKS RAVEN, CORINNE, JASMINE, AND ALEXIS! Dude, I'm so excited. Also, those four are on Bachelor in Paradise, premiering in June! How convenient! They all pile into a party bus that has a pole in the middle, seemingly just there to remind us that Bryce, whom we have completely forgotten about, is a firefighter. Raven immediately wants to know the gossip and asks Bryce and Lee who the person here is that's here for the wrong reason - both of them say Eric. I honestly think this is kind of an interesting choice. He does seem to be throwing a fit about stupid stuff, but his fits are kind of all about how he's here for Rachel, so I thought it was an interesting response. They end up at this saloon and there's a GIANT group of women and and even GIANTER pit of mud. THEY'RE MUD WRESTLING, I'M THRILLED. They're forced to wear Chubbies and cowboy boots and literally all of them are terrified of Kenny, of course, because he's AN ACTUAL WRESTLER. They fight tournament style and Bryce, Dean, and Kenny seem to be pulling out ahead. They all make fun of Brady's hair because it literally cannot be moved and still looks perfect after him rolling around in mud. I was literally dying laughing at all their interviews because they slowly got more and more caked with mud. The final two are Bryce and Kenny and clearly Kenny should win, but the weird part is that Bryce and the other guys describe Kenny as bigger than Bryce? Am I wrong? Bryce is objectively a larger man than Kenny, yes? Bryce won, I think Kenny didn't want to be a complete ass, but the amount of mud that Kenny is trying to work through that is stuck to his person is AMAZING. I could watch just interviews with these muddy guys forever. Rachel sits down with the girls while the guys get hosed off and Corinne says that she likes Adam and Jasmine and Raven like Dean. We don't get to hear Alexis' opinion which I'm PISSED about, but I'm hoping she is the focus of Bachelor in Paradise. For the cocktail party, Rachel wants to get deeper with these guys. She and Kenny talk first and he reveals that HE USED TO BE A CHIPPENDALE. Omg, I love it so much. He shows her his moves and just fully tore his shirt off. I'm actually even more obsessed with Rachel in this scene because like who actually knows what to do with their face when this is happening? She is such a good sport and doesn't make him feel awkward at all and so it isn't and I just love her. Rachel is looking for a man that is, in one word, secure, Dean is still great, and she and Jack Stone clearly have no chemistry whatsoever. Then we get to Eric who straight up tells Rachel that he feels like their connection is there physically, but not emotionally. He even said that he didn't think she was all the comfortable with him. Being the classy lady she is, she does tell him that the girls had reservations about him and that some of the guys here are questioning his motives. I guess it ends up okay and he's feeling maybe more comfortable around her, but it's not exactly clear. Immediately, he goes to confront Bryce and Lee about what they said to Raven and Eric really doesn't seem to care that Bryce said anything, they're just buds again. Lee is kind of an ass and tells Eric that he hasn't experienced love so he doesn't really know what he's talking about. He does also bring up that Eric's small blow up at Iggy made him change his perception of him. It's a weird conversation and I no longer like Eric or Lee. Interestingly enough, Rachel gives the group date rose to Eric because she says that their conversation really went deeper and she feels like they went to another level tonight. Hmmm. 

So it's time for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony and Rachel's dress is BOMB. She changed her drink again tonight and I'm trying to keep up. Iggy is first and wants to tell Rachel about his issues with Eric. WHEN. WILL. THESE. MEN. LEARN. His main concern is that he thinks Eric believes that the loudest guy in the room is the rightest guy in the room. Being the angel he is, Diggy interrupts Iggy and saves Rachel from having to talk about this dumb drama. While Diggy is likely being the most standup gentleman, Iggy and Eric talk and Iggy says that Eric has an opportunity for growth which is why he brought up their fight to Rachel. Huh? Eventually, so many guys have told Rachel about their concerns with Eric that Rachel has to find him to address it. It's a really weird conversation. She says that she wants to believe him, but everything that she's hearing makes her question the rose that she's already given him. She ends up fine with the decision though and kind of warns him, which does not bode well for their relationship. Following that conversation, Eric asks all of the guys to come into the living room so he can confront Iggy and Lee and he just freaks the eff out. Eric wants everyone to mind their own business and thinks that he's probably a threat to the guys, which is why they can't stop talking about him. Lee, rightfully, is like "uh, everyone is a threat to everybody". Tru. Eric starts going crazy, though and says that this issue is about him because his name is in Lee's mouth! DRAMA! TO BE CONTINUED. Again????????????

Next week on The Bachelorette: Everyone hates Lee, race will become an issue, and Rachel is crying in the dress she's currently wearing! AHHHHHH!

The Bachelorette, Season 13: Week 2

WOOF! Like FOR REAL WOOF THERE WERE SO MANY PUPS! Oh boy, guys, if this is any indication of the rest of the season, we will just have such a grand old time. I can’t even contain myself. Apologies in advance for the sheer length of this post, but SO MUCH HAPPENED. Let’s gooooooo!

So, we open this week with the quintessential “Shouting-The-Bachelorette’s-Name-From-The-Balcony” shot. SO CLASSIC. My favorite thing about this group of guys is that they will quite literally clap for anything. Case in point: Chris Harrison walks into the room and their instinct is not to say hello, remain calm, or even display disappointment that it is not their lovely Rachel. No, these men just full on applaud Mr. Harrison’s presence. Chris asks the guys how they felt about their first night - DeMario loved her smile and also, as he’s sure they can all agree, she smelled extremely good. Lol. Chris, of course, agrees because Rachel might be our savior, and DUMB BLAKE with his “HEY, BACK OFF”. Ew. GTFO, BLAKE. Chris leaves them all by saying that he hopes that everyone is here for the right reasons. *Cut to Whaboom* It’s time for the first date card of the season and, to quote Rachel approximately 43284 times this episode, “It’s no secret that I was skeptical”. These date cards are notoriously DUMB. Luckily, like Rachel, they are subtle and wonderful and not overly punny. “Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, Lucas: I’m looking for husband material - Rachel” Seems like a random grouping of the men, but okay. So, the guys show up to a straight up FIELD where Rachel is manning the grill. She’s wearing a super cute dress that has black on it, but IS NOT A BLACK DRESS, IGGY. It occurs to me after Iggy calls it a black dress that maybe men just find a color in a dress pattern and assume that is the color of the dress as a whole? They all play football for a little bit. Oh, wait, I’m sorry. They’re not all playing football. Blake has been banished to the grill because absolutely no one wants to hang out with him, including Rachel. My only conflicting feelings re: Blake are that he’s clearly this season’s Evan (I mean, they even have the penis obsession in common), but I ended up liking Evan on BIP. I mean, hopefully Blake doesn’t end up there. While Blake is actively not participating in the date, he also says that Whaboom is “the one person who can ruin this” for him. You sure, bud? So, I guess they’re done playing football and they go to yet another field and on that field is Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis? Uh, okay? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Mr. and Mrs. Kunis as much as the next person, but WHAT THE HELL Y’ALL DOIN’ HERE? According to Jack Stone, they are “the most perfect couple in Hollywood right now”. Jack Stone sucks, by the way. So Ashton and Mila are having a little Q&A with the guys and their only two questions are “Do you have health insurance” and “Do you have a job”: honestly, harder to come by than you’d think. 

We go back to the mansion only for a moment to see Adam Jr. floating in the pool and honestly, I’ve had nightmares all week. All the guys are paired off and are hanging out in the sun and bonding about Rachel. Mmk. Also, Lee’s a weirdo. 

But, let’s get back to the field: Ashton and Mila have set up the Husband Material Challenge: an obstacle course in six parts. It’s kind of insane to me that the actual first part of the obstacle course was children. Like, way to ease into the subject, Rach. But also, I suppose, best to know right away. So first, they have to change a dirty diaper, then put on a Babybjorn and vacuum, move to a sink that is clogged with hair, then SURPRISE, another sink clog, but this time with a giant ass diamond ring,  then, of course, one must know how to properly set a table, then finally grab a bouquet of flowers for Rachel. PHEW. My god, an exhaustive course. Also, way more clogged drains than I ever could have expected. Before the men start the course, we cut to Mila and Ashton and Ashton makes the bold claim that he does not believe that Rachel’s man is on this date. OOOOH ASHTON, you might be right. We’ll see. Only guy I’m even remotely interested in on this date is Kenny at this point. So, the men start the challenge and immediately Dean has never held a baby in his life, which is ironic, because he still is one. Whaboom is weirdly in the lead, but also very badly abusing this baby; well, on second thought, kind of all of the babies would be dead, I feel like they could have encouraged child safety in this course. Oh, also, men get eliminated at every point in the course and sent to the dog house. I wrote some notes while this was all unfolding, but it truly went too fast and the cameras were not panned out far enough to see what was actually happening. But, Kenny was killing it until, suddenly, Whaboom wins?? I mean, the great thing about this challenge is that it legit doesn’t matter. On most of the dates where there’s competitions and stuff, they usually give the winner more time with the Bachelorette, but no, this time, they were just like “COOL JOB, WHABOOM, WE DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU TALK TO RACHEL ANYWAY.” It should be noted that as soon as they announced Whaboom as the winner, Blake literally went off saying that Whaboom clearly cheated and he should be disqualified. BLAKE. NO. ONE. CARES. Ashton is clearly not a fan of Whaboom, but Mila seems to know what’s up:

Ashton: What’s whaboom?

Mila: It’s the sound he makes.

Ashton: For what?

Mila: Just for excitement.

Ashton: Why?

Mila: Just because he can. 

So for the cocktail party, the guys head back to RC Vintage, a place they’ve been frequenting the last few seasons, and I’m tryna go to ASAP. Rachel thanks the guys for the day and then she wants to grab Whaboom first. Might as well get it over with. He weirdly like tries to speak sincerely, but I’m just v uncomfortable with it. Seems like Rachel might be, too. While Whaboom and Rachel are being awkward, Blake breaks it to the guys: HE KNOWS WHABOOM. I mean, vaguely explains Blake’s butt-hurtness over Whaboom, but also no one cares, Blake. Apparently Blake’s roommate is Whaboom’s ex-girlfriend and Blake says that Whaboom is just a total clown. Blake. Literally no one thinks Whaboom isn’t a clown. So, while Blake is breaking the news, Whaboom has prepared a poem for Rachel. It is not good, nor does it actually rhyme to my memory, and she cannot keep a straight face - she says thank you and then gives him the tiniest little baby peck and I hate it. Fred is next and I’m still v weirded out by this situation and so is she - she says she’s having a hard time seeing Fred as an adult. Same. But he is really sweet. Then we cut to the montage of the guys being straight up CREEPS and Rachel saying that she wants guys to make the first move, but also, she’s not feeling even the slightest bit romantic with any of the guys. This montage includes Jack Stone tilting his head and being an actual SERIAL KILLER, Jonathan telling her how to change a diaper, and Iggy clearly having just left a sauna. I hate it. 

We’re back at the mansion and it’s time for date card number two, it’s, again, perfect and not overly punny: “Peter: I’m looking for my best friend - Rachel”. Y’ALL. 

Alright, so we’re back at RC Vintage and Whaboom and Blake are having their “fight”. It’s lame. Whaboom thinks he’s genuine and his personality is something he can just turn on and off. OFF, PLEASE. Following this very, very unimpressive conflict, Blake and Rachel go to chat and he literally just spends his whole time complaining about Whaboom. It’s so clear that Rachel is not into him, but also that she’s a little concerned that this grown man thinks she loves Whaboom genuinely and he’s not a producer pick. Aw, Blake, you’re SO DUMB. We move on to Dean. DEAN! Finally a man named Dean that’s not a disappointing character (Here’s lookin’ at you Jared Padalecki). They’re super cute together clearly and finally this girl is getting some romance. I mean, their conversation is very much surface level, but I kinda love it. She brings up his opening line and says that she fully knows some people are gonna hate it, but she loved it, and she was actually kinda pissed she didn’t get to say it first. They laugh and have fun and it’s all really cute - he doesn’t kiss her, though, which, he obvi should have. Also, do you guys remember the classic Bachelor / Bachelorette seasons in which they didn’t kiss people for like weeks at a time? THANK GOD THAT’S OVER. Show me passion, people! So, we’re back with the rest of the guys and apparently the Blake/Whaboom fight isn’t over. Here’s the confusing part though: Blake’s reasoning for hating Whaboom was that he lives with Whaboom’s ex-girlfriend and that’s how he knows Whaboom is a joke. But then, all of a sudden, Whaboom says that he knows that Blake is crazy because of that same girl. But SURPRISE, that girl is actually crazy and is getting evicted? Literally, the conversation is basically this: 

Whaboom: I know you’re crazy because of this girl!

Blake: I know YOU'RE crazy because of this girl!

Whaboom: Well that girl is the crazy one!

Blake: You’re right, she’s getting evicted!

Uhhhhhhhhh wut. Kenny’s over it and walks away to go talk to Rachel. They go sit down and Kenny tells Rachel that his daughter’s middle name is Rachel (aww) and he so clearly loves his daughter so much. He tells Rachel that he has a vision for he and his daughter and he just wants to find someone to join in on the adventures. Rachel, kind of weirdly, brings up that Kenny is one of the older guys in the house - they never really bring up age in actual conversation on the show, so it’s kinda weird. Also, I don’t fully understand her point in bringing it up here, but he spins it well and says that he’s looking for "real". They head back to the rest of the guys and it’s finally time for her to give the group date rose - can she give it to no one, tho? Like is that an option? It should be noted that AGAIN THEY APPLAUD. I want them in the audience of everything I ever do, this season’s guys are SUPPORTIVE. She ends up giving it to Dean and he truly is so cute. Like literally Merriam-Webster’s definition of adorable. He gets the rose and then offers to walk her out to the car like a true adorable, cute gentleman! He kisses her and it’s so adorable and cute! Also, he’s clearly gonna be the Bachelor - heyoooo!

FINALLY IT’S TIME FOR PETER. OH. MY. GOD. Y’all. I want to keep writing just one word at a time, but also I really want to get into this. So Peter and Rachel head off in their Tesla Model X (STILL LOVE IT) and he’s driving and just something about the simple act of him driving her made me squeal. Clearly I’m showing my cards already, but Peter might just be the best man. Like of all men, Peter might be the best man. His damn salt and pepper hair, bright blue eyes, and KIND SPIRIT. CAN WE TALK ABOUT HIS KIND SPIRIT? So, they pull up to an airport hangar and they’re about to hop on a little private jet on the way to Palm Springs and then she drops the bomb: THIS IS GOING TO BE A TWO-ON-ONE. Oh HELL NO you don’t throw Peter on a two-on-one week one! Rachel says that she had a friend that was in a bad accident and she wants him (him) to join them on the date. CUE COPPER. POOR LITTLE INJURED COPPER! OMG that damn cast, I just about shed a tear for poor little Copper’s paw! So Peter gets to meet Copper and he asks what happens OF COURSE and Rachel says that they’ll talk about it later? Uh, okay? She tweeted later that poor little Copper jumped off of something and broke a bone in his paw. OMG. But anyway, Peter and Copper are FULLY bonded. Like Copper loves Peter almost as much as America and presumably Rachel in about 7 weeks. So, they get to Palm Springs and SURPRISE THEY’RE GOING TO BARK FEST. Y’all. I SHOUTED at the screen, I need to go to BarkFest yesterday. So they do just a gratuitous pan of all the most adorable dogs in the world at this event which has pools for them to play in and obstacles for them and treats for them and it is just heaven! Little Copper loves it too and even gets in the kiddie pool even though Rachel says he normally doesn’t like water. COPPER. IS. LIVING. While Copper is #livinghisbestlife, Rachel and Peter hang out in a child-like ball pit and talk about whether they would move for someone - they both say yes. Peter even hopes to move from Madison and she STRAIGHT UP ASKS IF HE WOULD MOVE TO DALLAS. I mean, come on you guys. Clearly I personally love Peter, but there’s just no one could watch their date and think that it wasn’t the most natural chemistry. Rachel legit says he’s dreamy! 

Before I fully freak out, we go back to the house to see the final date card of the night: “Will, Jamey (who and why), Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, DeMario: Swish - Rachel”. SUBTLE, UNDERSTATED, CLASSIC. THAT’S HOW YOU WRITE A DATE CARD, PEOPLE. 

K BACK TO PETER. Peter and Rachel are at the La Quinta resort in Palm Springs, which is only noteworthy because Amanda Stanton was recently paid to stay at and promote the resort on Instagram! Copper has changed into his EVENING CAST. Y’all. THEY GAVE HIM DAMN SPARKLES ON HIS CAST I’M OBSESSED. Peter is also wearing a double breasted suit and I can’t help but note that his evening looks so far this season have been very out of the box. Not at all in a bad way, but the man has only worn two jackets so far and one was full plaid and now this, an oft forgotten cut of jacket. I’m about it. They have a v natural conversation about how Peter’s family is really supportive of him going on the show and his dad even started watching The Bachelor so he could see Rachel and he fully gave the thumbs up before he left. Rachel brings up their matching tooth gap and how they both never really wanted to change it because it gave them character. THEN PETER JUST FULLY BRINGS UP THEIR FUTURE CHILDREN. My god, what has this show done to me. Legit such a 180 from the date yesterday, this is how you date a woman, folks. They segue into talking about their past relationships and learn that both of them went to therapy during tough times in their last relationships and it was a huge help to them. SHOUTOUT TO BROADCAST TELEVISION FOR SUPPORTING THERAPY, Y’ALL! Rachel says that he’s scaring her - like I legit think she’s wondering if they can just end the show right now. She just so quickly gives him the rose and then they get up and hug and then she grabs him and kisses him and, guys, I gotta be honest here. As much as I loved that they were kissing, it was not the world’s most passionate kiss. It worked for me, but I’m ready to see more in the future. She grabs Copper and their little family heads out to ANOTHER FIELD, but this time it’s night and Peter apparently can name constellations and then fireworks go off and they kiss again and it’s just so damn magic. SHE’S A SMITTEN KITTEN. I love it so much. My main fear is that Peter is kinda a shy dude and she’s clearly super into him, I’m just hoping he’s open enough with her and reciprocates her affection. But also, he straight up says he can see Rachel as someone he could spend the rest of his life with. SO. 

Ugh we have to go to another date right now. So the guys show up to this gym including someone who has a man bun? Who are you, sir, and why? Rachel joins them and tells them that they’re going to be playing basketball - she grew up playing competitively, so she thought it would be fun. But, wait, she brought a friend: it’s damn Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Truly why are you here, you very insanely famous person? Also, I had to look up Kareem to ensure I was spelling his last name correctly, and did you know the man is 70-YEARS-OLD? I mean holy shit he looks good for 70 years old. So they do this whole thing of the men doing drills and it’s a lot of Josiah and Lee being bad and DeMario dunking way too aggressively. I mean, he is truly very good at basketball, but come on, man, be more subtle. Rachel loves it though, and when she and Kareem sit down to have a heart-to-heart, she brings it up. First of all, Kareem simply cannot look Rachel in the eye. But secondly, he thinks DeMario is too cocky. WHO KNEW KAREEM AND ASHTON WOULD END UP BEING REALLY GOOD JUDGES OF CHARACTER ON THESE DATES??? Now it’s time for the real competition and it for real looks super fun - they have like a million people come to watch the game along with a whole marching band (SHOUT OUT TO THE TRUMPET PLAYER) and it just genuinely looks like a good time. It’s potentially the lowest scoring game in history, but Team White wins - I think there were cutesy names for the teams, but either they didn’t say them enough or they weren’t cute enough for me to remember. Team White, mind you, does not have DeMario. Honestly a little surprising. Maybe my favorite part of this date, though, is that all of these guys are just like insanely good sports? Like I feel like in most sports dates, there’s always one guy who’s a crazy dick about losing. EXHIBIT A: BLAKE. I’m Team Everyone On This Date for being fun. So, they’re wrapping up the date, the guys are in the locker room, Rachel is meeting some fans and this girl Lexi walks up to her - no real pleasantries, she just said she turned on the TV last week to see After the Final Rose and her boyfriend was there. Yo. Let me start by saying that it’s clear that Lexi miiiiight be a little bit crazy, too, and also doesn’t seem to have the full accurate story, but SHE’S BEEN DATING DEMARIO FOR SEVEN DAMN MONTHS. Y’ALL. I saw the preview for this last week, but I 100% did not think it was going to be DeMario. Lexi says that DeMario fully ghosted her and she just had no idea what was happening. Rachel goes to grab DeMario to hear what he has to say and the turn of the corner, the look in his eyes, the “oOOOOH WHO’S THIS?”. TELEVISION. GOLD. I’m not going to get into every last detail about this interaction because it legit doesn’t make sense, but apparently DeMario still has the keys to this girl’s apartment, well at least she swears on her two kittens sleeping that he does. It gets to the point where Rachel has to look through this girl’s phone and even though there’s no definitive answer, this is so clearly shady so Rachel tells him to GET THE FUCK OUT. YES. BAI DEMARIO! It was so confusing, but I’m HERE for Rachel not putting up with anyone’s shit. She goes back to talk to the rest of the guys and tells them that she sent home DeMario and gets emotional saying she is not here to get played, so if any of them have anything to hide, this is the time to say something. It was crazy watching the guys, though, because they clearly thought he was getting the group date rose, as did DeMario clearly. For the cocktail party, they head to a renovated Rainforest Cafe - Rachel says that tonight she needs to see beyond the charm of these men to make sure they’re here for the right reasons. First up is Josiah who is really hurt to see Rachel get hurt and their kiss is exactly fine. Rachel is right, though, Josiah kind of got played by DeMario, too, they were besties. Jamey couldn’t be sitting physically farther from her, Will is reading from like a playing card or something, and Alex was the one with the man bun. Alex also sings to her in Russian and it’s V uncomfortable. The song he’s singing is apparently “an old Russian folk song about dark eyes”. How specific. Eric is next and might have been crying? They talk about their love languages (yahs) - Eric’s are quality time and acts of service and Rachel’s are quality time and physical touch. I like weirdly love Eric in this conversation, like he’s a little bit of a kooky guy, but I’m loving him right now - she was very clearly ready to kiss him so I’m happy for her. They head back so she can give out the group date rose and she says that she would give out 9 roses tonight if she could (sorry Date 1 guys and all the guys who didn’t get a date this week, y’all’s chances look slim), but she gives the rose to Josiah, which I think is an interesting choice based on the edit of the episode, but okay. 

It’s rose ceremony day and it’s pouring outside (editor’s note: it was hella rainy in LA this winter, clearly production didn’t have to wet the driveway as much this year). He dress is BOMB as is Diggy. I’m worried about my obsession with Diggy. He’s the best. The cocktail party starts and Bryan grabs her first and they’ve missed each other and waste no time making out. Once they finally stop, Bryan says that he doesn’t want her to feel all emotional and like he said last week, he wants to be her stress relief so takes her and gives her a tiny massage! Bryan, please come to my home, I am in need of a tiny massage, thank you. Next, someone I don’t know wants to build a dream house with Rachel, then I think after that there’s even another guy with props. Like, did Carrot Top sponsor this season, tho?? But wait. Someone’s at the entrance. IT’S DEMARIO. YO, WHY YOU COME BACK, DEMARIO????? Chris Harrison goes out to talk to him and ask him why he’s here. DeMario says that someone assassinated his character, so he wants a chance to explain himself to Rachel. Chris says he’ll talk to Rachel about it, but he can’t come in - when he finds Rachel it’s like she knew that he was going to come back. She’s curious, though, and so am I, like what could he possibly have to say now. The guys catch wind that he’s out there and they all head out to go find him, as does Rachel. Then, TO BE CONTINUED. AHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOO. 

Next week on The Bachelorette: some of the guys are getting crazy aggressive outside with DeMario, Lee starts to show his crazy, and kind of everything is falling apart. I CAN’T WAIT.