The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 9

As both Rachel Lindsay and all of Twitter said, that was “devastating”. From the format to the outcome to the fall of our great star, I think all of Bachelor Nation is going to need a minute. Chris Pratt and Anna Farris and Peter and Rachel all in 24 hours?! I mean, give us a break. The only thing I know to do moving forward is write some jokes about it to heal the pain. Let’s do it.

First: this format. No one should be about it. It was 8:12PST and we still hadn’t gone on any dates. I mentioned my anxiety last week because we still had Bryan’s fantasy suite date, a rose ceremony, the final two dates, then the final rose. Also, I didn’t need smug and clearly bitter and defensive Rachel commenting on literally every mistake she made for a full three hours. Yep, you heard it right: Rachel was honestly not anyone’s favorite person last night. I’m not even sure she was Bryan’s. Chris Harrison seemed absolutely neutral about having Rachel there with him to watch the whole episode – I think the perfect foreshadowing of the night came when he had to pretend to be excited about Juan Pablo being married. The audience wasn’t having it and then he literally had to explain why the devil’s name was in his mouth: “Juan Pablo reached out to us and asked us to share the good news so we did.” Clearly they had to do it legally. FINALLY, we get Rachel to lead us back into where we were last week: her and Peter at a crossroads because he’s not ready to get engaged just yet. 

Back in their AirBnB, Peter asks Rachel what happens if he’s not ready to ask her to marry him and she’s just trying not to cry. We learn an insanely important piece of information, though, that we definitely should have learned when she was vying for Nick Viall’s heart I feel????? She was in a 5 year relationship that she says never left the girlfriend/boyfriend stage which vaguely explains her need for Peter to want to commit to an engagement, but I’m seeing a deeper issue here. She’s said for weeks that she’s struggling with comparing all the relationships on the show with the others, but apparently not: she’s cool comparing relationships as long as it’s one that was years ago that lasted 5 years and these ones that have been going on for 9 weeks. BLANKET CAVEAT: MUCH OF WHAT I’M WRITING IS FROM A PLACE OF PURE ANGER. Or I guess “frustration” as Rachel calls it. Anyway, Rachel tells Peter that her emotion is coming from how deep her feelings are for Peter and Peter agrees: he says there’s something there between them that’s unlike anything he’s ever experienced and that it’s worth pursuing. He then proceeds to thank her for showing her emotion – it meant a lot to him and he says that seeing her cry “advanced” his emotions. Mmk. Rachel even says that the two of them are clearly falling in love with each other, so there has to be a way to make it right. I’m surprised, but she does offer Peter the fantasy suite, probably so she can cry in private, and Peter says that he wants to spend as much time as humanly possible with her. In her confessional, she says that she thinks neither of them are in a place where they’re willing to compromise, but clearly she’s not understanding or acknowledging that what she’s asking for Peter to compromise is ten million times bigger than what she’d be compromising. Regardless, they toast to opportunity and more time. Mmk. They wake up and say good morning with their heads sticking out of the windows and Peter says his doubts have started to fade. He feels like they’re a real couple now! Rachel, meanwhile, says that she never thought she could pick someone who doesn’t want to propose. It’s a mess.

Much like his eventual proposal, Bryan’s date is Peter’s leftovers: they’re back at a vineyard. This time, they’re going horseback riding which is objectively less exciting than HAVING YOUR OWN WINE IN YOUR OWN CELLAR WHERE ONLY YOU HAVE THE KEY. But, what do I know. Rachel takes the brown horse because it “matches” her. Lol. Bryan says that he thinks Rachel is in love with him and that he “loves Rachel tremendously”. Could not even come up with anything that makes me want to vomit as much as that fake ass sentence does. It’s kind of an awkward date tbh, Bryan uses his time to tell Rachel that he’s really proud of himself for how he handled her family. Cool, good for you, dude. Rachel’s just not super responsive, but says in her confessional that Peter apparently messed with her mind and now she’s struggling with the decisions she’s going to have to make. Then that’s it! We’re done with the day portion of the date! We go back to the live show with Chris Harrison and Rachel and Chris first asks her how close she was to just breaking up with Peter that night before the fantasy suite – she says she was “right there”. I almost wish she had sent him home then to preserve his dignity and allow us all to still think she’s someone who can do no wrong. Bryan and Rachel head to dinner and Bryan says that it makes him sick to his stomach to think about walking away without Rachel and that leading up to this date was tougher than usual. I do have to give Bryan credit for bringing up that Rachel was weird, though, I feel like not everyone on this show has acknowledged weirdness before. Rachel apologizes and says that she doesn’t want to think about Peter, she just wants to focus on Bryan, but it’s fully too late for that, Rachel????? She of course gives him the fantasy suite card and Bryan reads it and then instantly is like “Thank you, Chris, let’s go.” Like, slow your roll, buddy. I feel like the weirdest thing that Bryan said the entire episode is that he feels like he and Rachel have gone through a lot of ups and downs? Like what??? I’m super pissed that they gave Rachel and Bryan like a super legit hotel room for the fantasy suite instead of the messy apartment Eric got and the trundle bed Peter was stuck with. Bryan says that he’s in love with her and is going to be with her forever and she thinks that their relationship is moving forward in a really good way. Gross. We head back to the live show (PS. Why am I not there, @Amanda Ogen????) and Chris Harrison asks her how she could possibly get over what happened with Peter in order to focus on Bryan. I mean. Rachel’s response is that she had to take herself back to being in the same position as last year and then she tells us that overnights were huge for her - apparently she went in with a list of questions to ask including things about health insurance and credit scores. TBH, I’m still on her side with that one. She tells Chris that rose ceremonies were always the hardest thing for her and it was never easy to break someone’s heart. UH, IT SEEMED REAL EASY ABOUT 25 MINUTES LATER, RACH. We go back to the fancy hotel and Bryan thinks that Rachel tastes better than strawberries (VOM) and he’s also more confident than ever. UGH. 

Time for the last ever rose ceremony: Rachel is wearing what is a pretty dress, but does not seem to be appropriate for the weather or situation. She’s also wearing an ankle boot, which, again, is cute, but not the vibe of a usual rose ceremony, it’s interesting. Bryan is wearing the same jacket he wore night one and I could have SWORN that they showed him with a rose already on his lapel, but we cut to him again and apparently it was just a red pocket square. Also, he’s bad at folding pocket squares. So. Eric shows up next and it so excited and it’s so cute. Peter walks up and we hear Rachel says that she doesn’t know where she stands with Peter and everything she wants right now is not describing Peter. I’M TERRIFIED. She approaches the men and tells them that the only thing she can do is be true to herself with what she wants at the end of this experience. We’ll see how true that is in approximately 30 seconds. Also, she just flat out says that she really wants to be engaged. WE KNOW. Congratulations to our final two: Bryan and Peter. ERIC’S LEAVING AND I WAS GENUINELY POUTING. I mean, he fully was not the right person for her, but I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. Eric says goodbye to the final two and it seems like he and Bryan were closer than he and Peter which SHOCKS me, but what do I know. She and Eric walk out and sit down and she tells him that it’s hard to say goodbye when she has such strong feelings, but she just has stronger feelings for the other two. Then she tells him that she loves him, but she’s just not in love with him. Now, I have a lot of feelings about this. First, it’s kinda bullshit, but also I’m kinda on board with it. For Eric to move forward with his life, I think he needed to know that she loved him, which I genuinely think she did. But, I’m also just not sure it’s true, based on her reaction to sending him home. Basically, he’s just like THE MOST mature and says that he thanks her for allowing him to get what he needs and he’ll always love her, but she’s just completely not crying. Like kind of doesn’t looked phased by any of this. It’s weird because she says that her and Eric get each other in a different way than anyone else did, and yet, she just seems very stoic when sending him home. Then she says that she might regret her decision and feels like she sent him home prematurely. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, RACH, and I was just not feeling her heart on this goodbye. Eric, on the other hand, was just an incredible person in this - he said that he’s going to miss her, the entirety of her, and he’s glad he got to experience life with someone so beautiful. I MEAN, COME ON. Eric drives off into the sunset and Rachel meets back up with Bryan and Peter - Bryan being the smarmy person he is immediately goes and hugs Rachel, leaving Peter seething in the background, then, of course, Peter goes and hugs her next and Bryan has to watch. It’s v awkward, but even more clear that the two of them hate each other. We know that Peter left the experience with a bestie in Dean, but does Bryan have friends from the season? That will be the best indication on which was the better man IMO. Okay, just Insta stalked him (HIS BRAND IS A MESS BTW) and it seems like he’s friends with Will and Adam, but, I mean, he’s so obsessed with FaceTuning his selfies, that it’s hard to tell who his friends are. Anyway. She gives this little toast and then literally looks to Peter when she says the words “what I really want”. COME ON, SHE CLEARLY LOVES HIM MORE. 

Back at the studio, Chris straight up asks Rachel if Peter was right - did she look him in the eye when she said that she wanted to be engaged? YEP, SHE SURE DID. Then comes the reason that this entire format didn’t work: we spend the next 10 minutes with her and Eric seeing each other for the first time. Like, we needed to see this, but didn’t need to see this in the middle of the episode. It’s called “After the Final Rose” for a reason, but this year they thought “The Bachelorette: Live” would work better. It absolutely did not. They seemingly changed the format just to make up for the fact that everyone would have been entirely pissed immediately following the proposal, so they waited until the 2 hour 30 minute mark to actually get there. I’M PISSED. But we’re here now, so let’s talk about her conversation with Eric. First of all, he’s LOOKING GREAT. They would have made the most attractive couple. Also, will never get over him asking her how her heart is. WHAT A MAN. He’s doing phenomenal, which, clearly, and he finally has the chance to tell her how he feels after everything - he admits that he was confused the next day because she told him that she loved him. He also says that it was actually the first rose ceremony where he felt comfortable and I’ve never been more devastated to hear something. Finally he says that he was a boy with a broken heart who had never had love, but Rachel brought love into his heart and now he’s a man. Chris Harrison, Rachel, and I are all thrilled that we had the opportunity to see Eric’s journey. Like how would anyone not just be genuinely thrilled that someone found this experience fulfilling and worthwhile. I’M SO HAPPY FOR HIM. 

Alright, so now back to the actual episode (😒) and time for the shortest date in the history of the franchise. Bryan’s final date is first and boy is it uneventful. Rachel says that Bryan has been a steady rock for her with this whole journey. Cool. They must have started this date CRAZY early because they’re watching the sunrise and it seems to have actually just started. They go on a hot air balloon and Bryan gets freaked out for a minute and Rachel mishears him and thinks that he’s scared of ice instead of heights. Honestly, maybe he is. It’s pretty and they see a family who has all left their home to wave at these two people they don’t know and that’s truly it! What a lame excuse for a final date! They head back to her hotel room and they sit down and Bryan is way too cocky. He says that he’s going to make her the happiest and it would be a mistake if she didn’t choose him. Also he can sleep well at night knowing that he did everything he possibly could to win this woman. Mmk. They lay down in bed for awhile and he gives her “Rachel & Bryan’s Spanish Dictionary” with some words written down that apparently Rachel needs to know - these include “husband”, “wife”, “forever”, and “leap of faith”. Shouldn’t it just have been called Rachel’s Spanish Dictionary? Surely he doesn’t need one, too. It was a cheesy ass end to their cheesy ass date, but at least they both feel like nothing was left unsaid. 

Rachel waits to meet Peter in the middle of the mountains and she’s scared for their date - she never thought she’d be dealing with someone who made it this far and still didn’t want to propose. Honestly, same, but at least he’s being honest about it. He shows up and he literally looks better than ever on this date. Truly sexy AF. They go to this absolutely stunning monastery and walk around for a while and meet up with this priest who wants to show them the Patroness of Rioja. They sit down with this guy and he asks them about their thoughts on marriage and Peter says that it’s incredibly important to him and Rachel looks like she’s judging him SO hardcore. The priest like half gives advice and half is like “marriage is marriage”. Mmk. They go outside and sit on this little ledge overlooking the mountains and it’s very beautiful. Peter tells Rachel that he’s not sure if Rachel is the one yet, but he is not at all ready to say goodbye. He stares at her and she asks what’s up - he tells her that he’s thinking about life and love and everything in between. JUST THE SMALL THINGS. They have a pretty candid conversation and she tells him that she was not at all expecting to be having conversations about if she would get engaged at this point and she thinks he’s running away from this. He says that he’s not, he’s there, and he can see football games and baseball games and the farmer’s market and wine night with painting. Basically, he’s planned their whole future, but he really looks forward to marriage and it’s precious to him. Rachel pushes back a little on this saying that if he feels so passionate about their future, why is he so scared of an engagement? He responds perfectly and says he’s not scared of multiple engagements, he’s scared of multiple marriages and, to him, getting engaged is the same. I feel bad at this point, he’s had to explain his very understandable perspective so many times and she’s just refusing to listen. He tells her that he deeply cares about her, but he’s just not sure if the person that he deeply cares about is the one and only person he wants to spend the rest of his life with - I have to give him credit here, he’s being straight up brutally honest with her. It’s not every day on this show where someone says, yes, I love and deeply care about you, but that doesn’t automatically mean I need to get engaged to you tomorrow. There’s more to engagement and marriage than just loving and deeply caring about someone, which I think is his point. He’s mostly scared that he only has 24 hours to make this decision - the pressure of the timing surely isn’t making it any easier.  Then. Guys. Oh man. Here we go. Rachel goes to Peter’s room and they sit down and have their chat. I just. I don’t know how coherent this will be on my part because I’m still trying to process it. But let’s try. Rachel tells him that she feels like she’s forcing something to happen with them and then he’ll say something about spending their lives together and she’s just very confused and frustrated with his perspective. She feels like she’s not getting clarity, even though, I feel like he’s being insanely clear with her. She accuses him of not being about to do the stuff he has to do in order to spend their lives together. UGH. He finally tells her that he’s in love with her and he knew that today, but he is just not ready to propose - he still wants to be with her, though. She’s still confused because apparently he’s talking about dogs and what size bed they’re going to have and here come the waterworks. Rachel says he’s skipping steps, even though, isn’t his point that he’s trying not to skip steps? She wants the guarantee that their relationship would leave the dating stage and she doesn’t think that he has the same level of commitment as her. I DON’T THINK YOU’RE UNDERSTANDING WHAT COMMITMENT IS, RACH. HE’S PROMISING YOU COMMITMENT AND TIME TO FIGURE OUT THAT IT’S RIGHT FOR BOTH OF YOU. He starts to apologize and I’m getting more and more furious and he says that he can’t act on impulse. He straight up asks her if it’s not enough for him to say that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She basically says no. He’s worried that he’d be giving away his one opportunity to propose, something she knows is important to him, and then she for real says that he doesn’t only have one opportunity. GIRL, YOU WANT HIM TO HAVE MORE OPPORTUNITIES?!?!??!? He wants to know if this single gesture is separating them from the rest of their lives - she all but says that if he can’t propose tomorrow, she’s walking away. I’m LIVID. 

I have to take a quick little break here for my own sanity. I just gotta say, I’m about to get into the meat of this whole thing and I just need to say that Peter is not completely innocent in this whole thing - he knew what he was signing up for and Rachel was very clear with him from the second they met. He clearly made mistakes, too, but in this conversation and their subsequent conversation on the live show, he has literally done nothing wrong. So, he’s not the perfect man, but like, he handled everything with Rachel correctly. Alright, let’s finish this. 

Back in the hotel room they’re both crying a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. Rachel’s mad thinking that Peter is not willing to take the risk to move forward. At this point, I think he’s just so desperate he says that he knows he’s going to lose her and he would propose just to prove to her that he doesn’t want to lose her. Peter thinks that she’s the correct person, but that doesn’t mean he needs to get engaged tomorrow. He tells her that if she’s saying no, they just need to break up here and now, but he’s willing to sacrifice his proposal because it would hurt less than losing her. Oh man. She keeps saying she’s not going to make him do that, but WHAT DO YOU WANT, RACHEL??? She SO clearly loves him so so much, why is she letting this get in the way? She asks him if he would be resentful of her if she makes him ask - he says he hopes he would be mature enough not to be, but he, of course, can’t make that promise. He gets pretty pissed and frustrated, as we all have been, and in the heat of the moment tells her that she should go find someone else to go have a mediocre life. Yikes. I don’t know why, but again, she accuses him of not knowing what he wants - he again says that just because he doesn’t want to get engaged tomorrow doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know what he wants in life. They kind of end it there. They’ve pretty much said everything they can. He thinks they’re both going to regret their decision and I regret it for both of them, too. She, in her own way, told him he was the one and she would have said yes to a proposal, but she can’t get over her own shit. She fully made the wrong decision, I’m broken. He walks her out and they kiss goodbye, or rather pretty much make out to say goodbye, and he tells her he loves her and she says I LOVE YOU, TOO. I’M DONE. I CAN’T GO ON. SHE SAYS SHE CAN’T SAY GOODBYE, BUT GIRL, YOU DON’T HAVE TO. She is genuinely just making her own pain and I’m so so mad. It takes a hell of a long time for her to finally leave without an official “goodbye” or “we’re done” or anything like that. Peter instantly RIPS his sweater off in a fit of emotion and goes back to his hotel room. He’s crying super hard and even asks what’s wrong with him. THERE. IS. NOTHING. WRONG. WITH. YOU. Oh man, my heart was truly broken at this point. Rachel is walking around, now having cried all of her makeup off, and she fully says that she feels like she’s forcing herself to do something she doesn’t want to do. YES, THEN WHY WERE YOU TRYING TO MAKE PETER DO THE SAME THING???? We cut back to the completely silent live studio. I think everyone is genuinely stunned how it went down. I can’t be the only one that thinks Rachel just literally realized her mistake live as it played back. Chris Harrison isn’t sure if it was a complete breakup, even though it pretty clearly was. We find out that Rachel fully cried off her eyelashes which I think is how all of us felt. We cut to a shot of Peter just shaking his head backstage. She said it before, I said it before, but this entire thing was devastating. 

We come back from a break and Chris says that they’re bringing out Peter to see Rachel for the first time since their breakup. I’m already annoyed. She doesn’t deserve the opportunity for this. They hug hello and then Rachel just turns into not a nice person. Seriously. For the rest of their time together onstage she’s condescending, defensive, and straight up rude. It’s infuriating. Peter tells Chris that it was incredibly difficult for him to watch this and going to complete silence with Rachel was super hard for him. He even tried to reach out after and he was told no. He says that he’s shaking like a leaf and is terrified to be up on that stage. I truly can’t imagine. He knew it was coming that day, though, he knew that they were going to have a difficult conversation. Rachel then literally makes up some bullshit about how they didn’t break up because he wouldn’t propose - she goes on to name some other “deep rooted issues” about their relationship which just ended up all being that he wouldn’t propose??? Truly who are you trying to fool, Rachel, absolutely no one believes that wasn’t the reason you broke up. He does admit that their timeline was kind of messed up - they had this incredible first date and then really only one other opportunity before his hometown to really date. It all kind of screwed with his head. But he doesn’t regret anything, there just are some things that he might do differently the second time around - Rachel is now all of a sudden happy that he was true to himself, but girl, doesn’t look like you’re all that happy in general. She then goes on to say like a thousand times that this show isn’t for him and it probably just moves too fast. It’s literally like she’s trying to tank his chances for being the Bachelor just so she doesn’t have to watch the guy she clearly still has feelings for fall in love on TV. Because what if he gets there in time with someone else? That would truly be devastating to her. Everything about Rachel in this conversation is completely and totally selfish. She spent 9 weeks saying that she hates being selfish, but she had to do it to get what she wants. If you’ve gotten what you want, Rachel, why are you being so selfish with this??? If you’re really as happy with Bryan as you say you are, leave Peter alone. You’re looking like a fool right now. Peter does apologize for telling her that she would have a mediocre life, which that is something she has a right to get mad about, but she just seems to be so mad at him for no reason. Chris checks in with Peter and Peter admits that he feels attacked right now - Rachel says “Why do you feel attacked? I’m just talking about what happened.” No. Do not gaslight this man who just had his heart ripped out on national television. Peter can’t speak to any of this anymore and I can’t either and it’s just so not what anyone hoped for him. Even if you didn’t like Peter or think he and Rachel should have ended up together, it’s so clear that she’s treating him like shit for no reason. They end with Peter thanking Rachel for sharing her feelings with him and says that there will always be a special place in his heart for Rachel. I don’t know these people, this does not affect my life in any way, but I feel completely betrayed by Rachel. I know it’s dumb, but literally we all loved Rachel the entire time and then she just completely became a different person. It was so sad to watch. Will Peter be the next Bachelor? Who knows, but clearly he has the support of Bachelor Nation. 

At this point it’s like 10:20pm and I’m annoyed that I still have to watch Bryan propose. Like we know what happens because she revealed on week 1 that she’s “so happy” and “engaged” and just, I’m over it. Bryan meets up with Neil Lane while Rachel literally explains to America how she doesn’t really want to be with this man. She legitimately says that she’s rushing into this and thinks it’s too fast a turnaround after her breakup with Peter. I’m so mad. Bryan shows up to the top of this castle and it’s literally like the wind wanted to completely fuck up the audio for this proposal. It’s awful. He tells her the same thing he said night 1 in Spanish and then tells her that he wants to be the father of her children. She cuts in and fully says that her heart is confused. Like, how can he be watching this back feeling confident about their relationship???? She says she can’t picture her life without Bryan, likely because she just has so much space in her brain now that she took all chances of a life with Peter out of it. He gets down on one knee and she starts jumping up and down like a little kid and for two people who were so physically passionate, it seems very transactional. She’s excited for a new piece of jewelry, not a new life with someone. She gives him the last rose and then the church bells start to ring perhaps signaling the end of this infuriating night. What. A. Mess. 

Back on the live show, finally they get to be out in public as a couple and instantly they’re gross: Bryan proposes to Rachel again on the show and the entire studio audience like barely claps. I’m super pissed that her ring is beautiful because I just assumed that he would have horrible taste in jewelry, I mean, we’ve seen his taste in golf shirts. We find out that apparently they told Bryan there was a “weather issue” before the proposal, but I’ll take anyone up on a bet that it was delayed because Rachel couldn’t stop crying. Chris asks them about their future plans - even he doesn’t seem to really love them as a couple by the way - and they literally don’t know where they’re going to live. Like how???? They haven’t talked about wedding plans and Rachel says they’re “not rushing anything”. Wow, truly beg to differ. They even talk about Bryan’s mom and it’s very clear that it’s already not going great with her! Bryan then goes on to describe the combination that Bryan’s always wanted which includes “sass, charm, and the attorney in her”. So specific. The most normal thing they want to do is go get coffee and walk Copper. I tweeted this already, but there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that Copper hates Bryan. He does not seem like a person that dogs trust. She admits that her family is still skeptical and they don’t understand this whole process. It’s pretty sad honestly. Chris asks her when she knew he was the one - ummm obviously right after Peter left - but she says she knew on her hometown with him. Right. Perhaps my favorite part about the entire night is that they show their People cover and literally Peter’s on it. Even People was like “no one’s going to buy this if we don’t have the guy people really wanted”. Finally, Chris tells them that they’re getting a trip back to Rioja as a gift. Hopefully Peter beats them there and steals all their wine. Such a disaster. 

I’ll end by saying this: this season was amazing. So many good Reality TV moments and Rachel was the best ever. Until suddenly she wasn’t. She’s come out the other end looking bitter and petty and angry and it’s not a good look on her. If she really wants Bryan, I don’t think she’d feel the need to reply to tweets about her. But she is. So I hope she finds happiness because I think she’s just realizing live, in front of America, that she made a mistake. But I also hope Peter finds a girl who doesn’t need him to prove something to him 8 weeks after meeting him. Until next season: thanks for reading and may your life be filled with as many Adam Jr.s, Whabooms, and Lees you deserve. If you’re lucky, hopefully it will be zero.