The Bachelor, Season 22: Week 1

Let’s start our engines – it’s time for The Bachelor 2018! To be honest, I had intended to keep a running tally of racing puns they make these season and promptly abandoned that idea less than 5 minutes in because I couldn’t keep up. If you stay up to date with me or my life or have known me for more than five years, you’ll know I love Arie. It was truly heartbreaking to watch him lose to Jef with one F and I thought I’d never see the day when Arie could get his redemption. Well, 2018 is the year, people, let’s fix our government and Arie’s love life IN. THAT. ORDER. Chris Harrison and every Bachelor producer I follow on social media has done their damnedest to make sure that we know they’re happy with the choice of Arie, but also they’re definitely tempering our expectations. Not a single mention of this being the “most dramatic season ever”! So, without further ado, let’s jump into what Chris Harrison calls an “exciting” season premiere:

Let’s start this whole thing off by mentioning that Arie is barely a racecar driver anymore. And even when he was, he was not very excellent. Still, though, the first shot of Arie has him stating that this will be the “most important race of his life”. We also get to learn that he’s sponsored by Honda? Cool! He starts rehashing the glory days of Emily’s season and then we head into the longest recap of all time. You know it’s about to be a relatively boring episode when they spend an entire segment, commercial to commercial, recapping what happened FIVE YEARS AGO to drum up some interest. I can only hope five years from now they just do a swipe up link to my blog in the event he’s still searching for love at 41. I can’t say I hate this, though. There are few things in the world more fun than watching Arie Luyendyk Jr. make out with someone. I had totally forgotten that they didn’t shoot any of Emily’s season in the Bachelor Mansion, though, so he’ll be a newbie there, too. The other thing I forgot was just how new Emily’s teeth were that season. She was getting used to them the entire time and it was distracting. She broke up with him while he was wearing, at least according to his live tweeting during this premiere, a blue Mossimo t-shirt from Target. Side note: if not everyone is super on board with Arie, please, please, follow his live tweets during the show. He’s a funny guy, he’s shy, he understands this is absurd. Anyway, she left him broken hearted, but luckily he kept a journal and hand delivered it to Charlotte after the finale! She didn’t read it! HOW RUDE!

Five years later he is rocking a cardigan in an effort, I think, to make sure he looks as much like Peter Kraus as physically possible. Aside from racing, he’s in real estate now and he’s selling the Bachelor mansion? I had the pleasure of watching this premiere with some of my besties and our moms and all of us were like “Are we watching him literally sign his contract to be the Bachelor?”. It was confusing times. While he’s walking around the house he’s presumably just sold, Sean and Catherine show up and their son, Samuel, may be the cutest baby of all time. Sean and Arie are still best friends 5 years later, which makes me very happy. Arie calls him out for coming back and giving all these guys advice every year and, clearly, none of it has worked out. Wait, is that right? Sean’s the last Bachelor to have a successful ending? Yikes. Basically, we get to see Samuel running around being the cutest and Sean and Catherine convincing Arie that he can find love on television. HE KNOWS, GUYS, SHE JUST DIDN’T PICK HIM. Finally, we move to the photo shoot. Just once I want it to be a visibly awkward photo shoot. Enough with these guys who are super fine posing for these press photos. After that long, hard day of SELLING THE MANSION, holding roses, and pretending to be a successful racecar driver, Arie heads to his room at the Westlake Village Inn, of course, with a single carry on suitcase and leather backpack in hand. Sorry, but NO. Not even that thick cardigan would have fit in this amount of luggage. My favorite part, potentially, of this whole episode was this WEIRD shot of Arie standing in a beige room with literally THOUSANDS of CGI rose petals falling around him. Godbless.

Chris Harrison introduces Arie as “handsome”, “financially successful”, and “arguably the best kisser” they’ve ever had on the show. SIGN. ME. UP. The point is, according to Chris Harrison, “the guy’s a catch”. Spoiler alert, but Chris Harrison’s intro is just about as disingenuous as Krystal’s whole being. Speaking of a disingenuous castmate, let’s meet some of the girls. First up: Demon. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Chelsea. She’s a single mom from Portland – side note: Oregon or Maine? Don’t know, don’t care. She’s folding some of her child’s clothes and suddenly THERE’S A NEW FONT. WHAT. I am NOT into this sans serif nonsense. GIVE. ME. ELEGANCE. I’m so distracted by the new font that I barely hear what else she has to say. I watched the episode twice and basically all she says is that she’s a mom. Okay then. Caroline is next, and is a realtor. She’s from Fort Lauderdale and she is, as of now, the only one of the bunch I’ve chosen to follow on Instagram. She hasn’t even been in real estate for a year, but she’s already sold $5 million so she’s “really good” at her job. Cool. The best part of her feature was the following:

REAL ESTATE CLIENT: “Do you have kids?”

CAROLINE: “Not quite.”

What the eff does that mean? Also she “grew up around cars”. YEAH, CAROLINE, WE ALL DID, WE WEREN’T BORN BEFORE HENRY FORD. Maquel is next and she’s a bridal photographer. Seems fine, but her client’s wedding dress is not my favorite.

Next is Nysha who is a nurse and says that “the more blood the better”. She just went skydiving and apparently agreed to have the Bachelor camera crew with her? Seems convenient. One of Raven’s best friends, Tia, is on the show and she’s from Weiner, Arkansas. Tia shoots guns and goes fishing and is a physical therapist! I like Tia. I was wondering if she would, but Raven did indeed show up in this feature and tells the nation that Tia is very likeable. Looking forward to it. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm the next girl collects taxidermy. NO. She’s Kendall and she’s a “Creative Director” from LA. Am I a creative director from LA? I creatively direct this blog, which is quite ugly and I’m from LA. My real job title is confusing so lord knows that’s likely what they’d choose were I ever to go on a reality show. Kendall “likes doing research on animals” and oh, also, she sings and plays ukulele quite badly and she’s singing to a dead seal. This is creepy.

Bekah M. is also from LA and she’s a nanny to a fifteen-month-old baby. Her age is not revealed, though it was on the internet almost instantly, and I won’t put it here in case I have people that care about spoilers, but let’s just say: she’s legal. Bekah is adventurous and found a single boulder to climb without any equipment. Marikh is next and she’s stunning and she owns an Indian restaurant with her mom. She hopes Arie is “ready for her spice”. At this point in the recap, I’ve finally added “Arie” to my spellcheck dictionary so I can stop seeing that red squiggle further discrediting this choice for Bachelor. IT’S A REAL NAME AND I WILL BE TYPING IT FOR THE NEXT 10 WEEKS! Now it’s time for Krystal. UGH. She’s so severely vocally damaged that I find it difficult to listen to her. Not only is she a walking billboard for nodes, she’s also just not someone I trust. She volunteers, which, no, actually she hands out food to the homeless. Like, that’s great, I think that’s excellent. I hate nothing more than hating someone and then finding out that they do good things. Like, just be an all around bad person, that would be so much easier for me. Krystal is an online health and fitness coach and has spent just so much time “diving into people”. GROSS. I meant to look up how many YouTube subscribers she has, but ended up not doing that because why.

Finally, Arie arrives at the mansion for the first time since his commission came through and the girls in the limo are just averagely excited to meet him. He tells Chris that he’s really nervous and that he wrote this off a few years ago. Chris is savage and is just like “You’ve had relationships, but they’ve just never worked”. Yeah, THANKS, CHRIS. With that vote of confidence, Chris gestures to the first limo and says, for the first time: “Let the journey begin.”

If you’ve been with me for a few seasons, now, you know that one of my least favorite things about this show is the standard “Get the contestants on a balcony and have them scream the Bachelor/Bachelorette’s name”. Well, they’ve started early this year with the first limo simply screaming “Arie” at the top of their lungs. Blech. First out of the limo is Caroline and her dress is stunning. Also, she has JoJo level hair. She tells Arie that she’s a real estate agent and she hopes that at the end of this they’ll both be “off the market”. OH NO. I DIDN’T THINK WE’D HAVE TO DEAL WITH RACING AND REAL ESTATE PUNS, GOOD GOD. Chelsea (gross) is next and I swear Owen Wilson jumps into Arie’s body for a second: “Wow”. Chelsea just creeps me out a little in this intro and says that there’s “a lot, umm, to get to know”. Like okay. Kendall is next, and I know she’s about to seem very normal for the rest of this episode, but I must remind us all that she collects taxidermy. Seinne is very beautiful and she brings Arie cufflinks with elephants on them because elephants are her favorite animal. Then she says that “an elephant never forgets”? Is that a thing?

Because she’s from Weiner, Tia brought Arie a tiny wiener and I love it. “Please tell me you do not already have a little wiener.” “I do not have this.” I love so much that this joke went directly over his head. It makes it all the better. Inside, Chelsea says that Arie is “not only handsome”, but he’s also “welcoming”. LOL. What a tepid compliment. Bibiana is next and she spilled something on her silk dress, poor girl, but Arie has her heart racing. Bri is a sports reporter and threw him a softball and was way too excited about him catching it. Jenny is a graphic designer, Brittane J. brought a bumper sticker for Arie’s ass that says “Nice Butt” and he points out to the nation that he has a very small butt. Jacqueline seems very smart and says that he’s accomplished “standing there and looking pretty”. I agree, Jacquline, I agree.

Krystal (UGH) gets a VERY dramatic entrance and I’m into the front of her dress, but not the back. She literally leads Arie through a meditation and she’s “SOGRATEFUL”. Over it. She walks away, though, and Arie says “Oof, I needed that.” Calm down, buddy. Inside, I’m obsessed with Tia: “You’re all fucking cute!” Nysha is next out of the limo and she’s very tiny, Valerie made a bold choice with a yellow lace dress, and then we see the entrance of a Cherry Red Mustang. You’ve got to give it up to Bekah M. for both her entrance and the bold choker. She tells Arie that she “may be young, but she can appreciate something classic”. Back to Tia: “Damn, that was a sexy entrance and a sexy car and I walked out with a little wiener.” I would like to go get a drink with Tia and Raven one night. Chelsea goes actually CRAZY and just says, “That cherry red looks better on your lips, bitch.” Like, CHILL. Chelsea is, though, concerned that there’s a lot of girls to choose from. Right.

Next up is Jenna who is another social media manager and she might be drunk? She is VERY demonstrative and she scares me a little. Jessica is a television host from LA and is wearing quite a casual, summery dress – she also brought Arie a gift and it’s a gratitude rock and I’ve never heard of that, but it seems nice. Marikh wants some salt and pepper in her life (hehe), Olivia adored Arie on Emily’s season, and Becca K. asks Arie to kneel. She makes him repeat the sentence “Rebecca Jill, are you ready to do the damn thing?” I don’t love this move here, but I do like Becca later on in the evening. I do want to know what was in the ring box she made him hold out, though.

Let’s pause on Lauren S. for a second here – a friend texted me to say she and her husband were in Dallas about a week ago and overheard some girl gossiping about her time on the upcoming season of the Bachelor. My friend later looked up who it was, and it’s Lauren S. and she apparently gets a one-on-one (further evidenced by the season preview), but the fact that she was gossping about this openly in a restaurant makes me not like Lauren S. She has a lot of energy and she’s pretty and maybe she’ll change my mind, but I will be cautious about her. But also, like, clearly she can’t win if she’s doing that…

Lauren S., though, is the start of the Lauren train because this year, surprise, surprise, there are 4 OF THEM. I feel like I mentioned it when they did it another season (I think it was Ben’s?), but I went to high school with 6 LAUREN H’s. THAT DIDN’T EVEN COUNT THE OTHER LAST NAME INITIALS. It’s a rampant millennial name. Anyway, Lauren J. is a recent masters graduate from Louisiana, Lauren B. is just introduced as the third Lauren, but I have to say her icy blonde hair color is STUNNING. Lauren G. is the last Lauren and she just says to Arie: “I know you just met another Lauren”. Lol. Chelsea’s a snot and tells a terrible joke: “Four Laurens walk into a room and none of them get chosen.” At least she’s not a terrible person and funny, that would be infuriating.

Ashley brought a checkered flag and Arie’s the one that pops in with a pun and asks if they’ll make it to the finish line. He even goes so far as to say that “those race car jokes crack [him] up.” Uh, not me, Arie. Brittany T. seems bubbly and tried to speak in Dutch, because I forgot he speaks Dutch, but we didn’t bring that up in the Emily season recap so this limo exit falls flat. Amber owns a spray tan company and sees a lot of dicks. Ali will go down as potentially the worst limo exit in history because she makes Arie smell her armpits for a “pitstop”. BLECH. Annaliese dresses up as the Kissing Bandit, but I would like to know what’s in her satchel – Arie seems genuinely physically attracted to her, though. Finally, a fully Indy car pulls up and this girl makes SUCH a dramatic entrance, I love it. It’s Maquel and I thought she was driving, but she was actually just in the backseat and I’m loving her dress and hair and I hope she’s cool. I don’t even remember what she said, but at this point, my notes just say “Chelsea is a truly bad person”, so.

Only behind my hatred of the balcony yelling is my hatred of the night one insane flattery and we have A LOT of it this year. I do not need to see 29 women sitting in a room talking about how amazing this guy is that they’ve spent a total of 19 seconds with. But that’s it! A random, interesting, mostly blonde collection of 29 women for Arie to fall in love with. He walks in and you literally see him mess up by not taking his drink from Chelsea – I kind of like that they left in his mess up and quick note from the producer. Chelsea, of course, grabs him first and Arie tells her that she’s mysterious. She says that she made a lot of sacrifices to be there, but then won’t tell him what the sacrifices were. For a guy who’s saying that all he wants is to find a wife, I’m surprised that he’s putting up with this weird game she’s playing. She doesn’t tell him about her child, of course, but she did just pass her real estate course! LOLOLOL OKAY. Maquel cuts in, thank god, because I did not care about this, and Chelsea calls Maquel “a little loud”. Now, I know I’m literally writing a satirical blog about this franchise, but I’m NOT into women just being assholes to each other. Chelsea, knock it off, especially because you’re raising a kid and I don’t think we need another asshold in this world. Shoutout to Bekah, though, who also does not care for Chelsea’s attitude.

Maquel and Arie take a polaroid with the WORST pose ever, Arie tells Jacqueline that he’s grown up since his last time on the show, and Marikh and Arie don’t really talk about anything. Nysha quickly brings up interracial dating with some of the other girls, Ali is very not memorable, and Brittany T. lowkey has a surprise for Arie. They’re those little tiny cars for kids. I LOVE THIS. She places a bet: if she wins, she gets a kiss. I respect it. I don’t even love Brittany that much for Arie, but I just love this little scene, makes me happy. She wins, well, she doesn’t, but he tells her she does, and they share a relatively lame kiss.

Kendall brings her ukulele and it’s still not great, Caroline brings really bad looking pizza for them to eat, and I was DYING at Lauren G. telling Arie that her safe word is “pineapple”. I watched this episode twice and I laughed out loud both times. Jenna is being even more of a weirdo and like, is giving Arie a foot massage? It’s very uncomfortable. Even Arie doesn’t understand what she does and who she is really, it’s very weird. Annaliese sits down with him next and she lets him take off her mask and I am really enjoying their chemistry. She’s very upfront about wanting physical chemistry in her next relationship and it seems like they’re off to a good start. I’m very upset he didn’t kiss her. Becca K. says she’s very close with her family, and she and Arie, too, have pretty natural chemistry and I really like her. Then, the first impression rose shows up. These girls freak the eff out. I feel like even more than normal are they really losing their minds. They’re not only freaking out about the rose, but also about the fact that only like 10 of them have actually talked to him so far, so they all go a little crazy trying to steal him from each other.

Krystal gets her hands on him and she tells him she’s a Libra and he tells her that she has a soothing voice. NO, ARIE, IT’S SIMPLY DAMAGED. While Krystal is being not at all herself, the girls are egging Chelsea on by saying that it was a bad idea to have been the one to talk to him first because he’s probably already forgotten about her. I WISH. She isn’t happy about it, though, and goes to interrupt Krystal. Ugh. Krystal’s pissed about it, but somehow can’t stop smiling? She might be a robot. Chelsea and he talk about literally nothing and then they make out with way too much tongue and I’m upset about it. Chelsea literally says that her “job” was done. Like, so gross. UGH. Back inside, everyone’s gossiping about how much they hate Chelsea and Jacqueline says that Chelsea has “balls of steel”. I kind of agree with her.

Jenny drew a picture of Arie and I think Arie and all of Bachelor Nation was very, very concerned before she flipped it over, but surprise, she’s an incredible artist. That’s a relief. Tia finally gets some time and describes herself as a clown. Jessica tells Arie that her dad passed away a few years ago, but he actually met Arie so in a weird way it’s almost as if he’s given his blessing. Eh. Bekah and Arie go back to sit in the Mustang in the driveway and Arie describes this conversation as the most awkward of the entire season via his Twitter. I couldn’t agree more. She asks a great question: what are three things that make him excited to be alive. His answers are excitement and pizza. I’m DYING. Not only did he say excitement makes him excited but he fully didn’t even give a third answer. It still makes me laugh almost a week later. Bekah says that the three things she likes are the mountains, the smell of pine trees, and the feeling you get when you like someone, but you don’t know if they like you back. OKAY, BEKAH, I SEE YOU, OH YOUNG ONE.

After that moment, Arie heads back inside and grabs the first impression rose and goes and finds, of course, Chelsea. I’m pissed about it, but I’m not surprised. I don’t even remember him giving it to her because they showed so much footage of the girls just also being pissed about it. They all head back into the main room and Bekah’s drinking coffee and I love her for it.

Time for the first rose ceremony of 2018: Arie starts with a speech about how if he sends someone home, it doesn’t mean she’s not an amazing person, he just couldn’t see a future with her. That’s almost worse, but okay. Congrats to: Becca K., Marikh, Kendall, Lauren G., Krystal, Bekah M., Lauren S. (my eye is still on ya, girl), Sienne, Caroline, Brittany T., Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B., Ashley, Tia, and Maquel. BAI to Brittane J., Ali, Bri, Olivia, Jessica, Amber, Lauren J., and Nysha! Didn’t really remember any of you anyway. Jessica and Amber do not take it well and both weep in the morning light. Aw. Arie toasts to the journey with the remaining girls and I’m thrilled. I actually think we have a good crop of women to create some drama, but also some that seem normal and probably include the blonde woman he’ll inevitably end up with. THE RACE IS ON!

THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELOR: it looks like the California fires are dangerously close to the mansion? It’s a tough journey, but they go to some ruins, to Paris, to Pisa, and it looks like some other fancy places in Europe! Becca K., Bekah M, and Lauren S. all seem to get a one-on-one, Sienne also gets some time and Jacqueline seems to stick around much longer than I would have anticipated. Tia is falling in love with Arie! But so is Krystal, okay. Chelsea literally says she deserves more time than everyone else and Bibiana is not about it. No one wants to be around Krystal and of course there’s going to be drama around Bekah revealing her age to Arie. Also Krystal is quite literally sipping tea. Annaliese, Jacqueline, Tia, Krystal, and some other brunette cannot stop crying and apparently Arie can’t either! A boyfriend with a southern accent shows up, Arie’s traipsing around the desert in a full suit, and he’s had his heart ripped open! I CAN’T WAIT!