The Bachelor, Season 22: Week 2

This week on The Bachelor: Becca feels like a princess, Krystal is smitten, Annaliese cries a lot, and Bibiana is PISSED. Also I have a personal journey to find out if I hate Chelsea or Krystal more and seriously worry about the safety of fifteen women I do not know. Let’s do it!

 

To start the episode, Arie is quite literally just sitting on a motorcycle on the top of a mountain. Wait, now he’s into motorcycles? It’s an incredibly long and gratuitous shot of him putting on his aviators and helmet. Can’t say I hate it! Back at the mansion, the women toast to falling in love and then they lose. their. shit. Chris Harrison walks in and the decibel level of this year’s crop of women is deafening. He gives this very average intro and then for some reason asks if the girls have any questions? What sort of questions would they have? Bekah M. just wants to know where the date card is - well glad you asked, Bekah! “Becca K.: Hold on tight - Arie” Very excited for this one-on-one tbh. I did not love Becca’s fake-proposal-limo-exit, but she seems cool. Arie comes to the house to pick her up, and we have the classic girls-following-them-out-to-their-car-or-in-this-case-motorcycle-and-have-them-talk-about-how-attractive-the-bachelor-looked. Blech. I do have to agree with Jenny, though, Arie and Becca look cute together. 

 

Potentially my favorite part of this episode (wait, no, now that I’m thinking of it, I’ll have like seven other “favorite parts” of this episode and they all involve Tia), was listening to Chelsea, Seinne, and Krystal talk about motorcycles. Chelsea wants the world to know that she loves putting herself behind something that’s more powerful than her. Like, okay. Krystal, on the other hand, would not have done well on this date. Apparently her dad (who she is not close to btw) was in a really bad motorcycle accident a long time ago and also she knows lots of people who have lost body parts. Okay???????? If she had been on that date, she’d have to pull Arie aside and have a moment and explain that. “Well it’s good that you weren’t [on the date]” says Seinne. AMEN, SEINNE, AMEN. Do we think Krystal lost a healthy larynx in a motorcycle accident? 

 

Becca and Arie pull up to a house, which I’m pretty sure is the house that Lauren Conrad’s parents built when she was on Laguna Beach, and there’s A TON of food. Like way too much food more than literally anyone could ever eat. Like full lobsters. I’ll never get over the amount of food that no one gets to eat. And then: in walks Rachel Zoe! Look, I love Rachel Zoe, and I think a lot of Bachelor Nation probably watched her show, too, but they genuinely just, like, glossed over the fact that she was there. Becca loves her, though, and she gets to try on a bunch of dresses while Arie sits in the living room eating from a single dessert tray and not touching the lobsters at all. Her dresses are beautiful - the objective favorite should be the bronze one, but no, Arie has to go and choose the pretty, but only okay silver dress. If Zenon Girl of the 21st Century were to have a clothing line, this would be the finale dress. I do kind of love Arie’s willingness and kind of excitement for this date, it’s rather sweet. But what the heck, she literally gets to keep all of these dresses????? What in the world is this girl going to do with ten designer gowns? If she isn’t wearing one of these dresses to every one of the rose ceremonies, she certainly will have lost her chance to wear them. On top of that, Arie takes Becca poolside and just gives her some Louboutins????? Like WHAT is this date? They’re beautiful, for sure, and call me a buzzkill, but sometimes shoes aren’t the perfect fit all the time. I’m concerned he didn’t give her enough time to decide if they’re comfortable. They sit by the pool with champagne and then ANOTHER surprise, this weird guy who works for Neil Lane apparently comes up with earrings and a huge diamond necklace and she gets to wear this stuff tonight, too??? It’s a cool date, and Arie keeps saying he picked her to be on this date because she’s so down to earth, but I feel like Becca and I are like a little uncomfortable. Like woah. 

 

Once Becca has her thousands of dollars worth of gifts, finally they kiss and it seems nice. Their chemistry on this date is pretty good - nothing to freak out over, but I think they like hanging out with each other. Seems like it could be a scenario where they just eventually grow into love. I’m here for it. Becca is excited because she finally got to kiss his “pillow lips” as all the other girls who have kissed him have named them. I’m definitely not on board with that nickname. Becca gets dropped back off at the mansion and she literally has HUNDREDS of bags with her, but only a single garment bag. And they made her walk outside in her new shoes, that seems mean. All of the girls are v jealous of her Louboutin’s including Bibiana who basically starts crying and says “Oh my god, they are gonna get married”. At this point I still love Bibiana. I will later take you with me on my journey with her, but for now, she’s cracking me up. 

 

Another date card shows up while Chelsea and Brittany are talking more about his “pillow lips”. Gross. “Krystal: Home is where the heart is. - Arie” ANOTHER ONE ON ONE? WHY? AND WHY KRYSTAL?

 

Becca and Arie have a very fancy dinner, her in her pretty, but not the best choice dress, and him in a full suit, which he is, objectively, rocking. He gives her the Neil Lane necklace to wear and then surprises her again by telling her that she gets to keep the earrings. Geez. Their chemistry is better on this half of the date - Arie tells her that she embodies how he was on the show last time, which I can sort of agree with. Becca tells him that her most serious relationship was on and off for 7 years (she’s 27, so basically her whole life) and that her dad passed away from brain cancer when she was younger. She’s proud to say that she got through it, and I’m proud of her, too. Because of that experience, she’s very close with her mom and sister and she’s really happy to hear that he’s close to his family as well. That’s really all they talk about tbh, and it’s sweet, but I was hoping for  a little bit more. She gets the rose and I’m very excited for her and okay cool THERE’S ANOTHER SURPRISE. I was worried that she was going to get more material goods, but surprise, she just gets to pull a string and there’s confetti. THE SURPRISE LASTED LITERAL SECONDS, HOW LAME. 

 

Okay, gross, time for Krystal’s date now. She is truly the least genuine person ever. She shows up in a limo to a private airport and Arie is waiting for her there to take a private plane to his home in Scottsdale - she says that she’s “smitten as a kitten”. Cool. Arie’s excited because he’s going to reveal a lot about himself. Hmm. They get to Arizona and Arie drives her around and shows her some highlights including the Pizza Hut he used to work at, the tree where he had his first kiss, and his high school. It’s relatively boring. You can tell he likes her a lot, though, and it makes me upset. They pull into potentially the shortest driveway in history and, surprise, they’re at his house! His house is fine, but why the hell is his bed so small? It’s incredibly low to the ground and quite thin. Buddy, I think you can spring for one size up. The next few minutes, we watch Arie show her some baby pictures and some home videos. She does a good job of, like, being interested, tbh. I’ll just say that if I were ever on a first date even close to this I’d literally be screaming at the top of my lungs on the way out the door. In an effort to up the creep factor, Arie brings Krystal to his parents’ house to meet his parents, brother, and sister-in-law. It’s honestly not as uncomfortable as it should have been, except for the fact that Arie and Krystal did not sit next to each other. It’s more clear than ever that all Luyendyk men love blondes, though. Krystal asks how his parents met, I’m not really sure what the answer was, and that’s basically all we learn about Arie on this outing! 

 

Back at the mansion, there’s a knock at the door with the final date card: “Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G., Kendall, Bekah M., Jenny, Seinne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, Chelsea: Let’s hit love head on. - Arie” YIKES is that a lot of girls. 

 

Krystal and Arie are back in LA and they have dinner at the Bradbury building which is very cool and honestly that’s a great place for a date. It gives Arie an opportunity to operate yet another piece of machinery, he’s actually a fine elevator operator. Arie tells Krystal that he’s really trying to be cool to impress her. Honestly, yes, that’s exactly what it seems like. Her favorite part of the day was actually him showing her the photos and videos from her childhood, which is the perfect excuse for her to tell Arie that SHE DOESN’T HAVE PHOTOS AND VIDEOS FROM HER CHILDHOOD. Or maybe she does. It’s not really clear. She reveals that she grew up in a “less traditional sense” - her dad wasn’t a part of her life (except for maybe when he got in that motorcycle accident?) and her mom was there, but she was emotionally unavailable. She goes so far as to say that she felt like her parents didn’t want her. Then she takes a hard left turn and tells a story about how she saved all of her Christmas and Birthday money as a kid so she could buy herself a comforter. I know I’m being extremely harsh on this person that has had an objectively rough upbringing, but, honestly, I’ve never felt more like someone was telling a story on television to gain sympathy with the viewers. She then goes on to explain that she was forced to step into a parental role with her little brother and about a year and a half ago, she got a call that her brother was in the hospital following an attack on the streets where he had been living. I have to say, Arie is genuinely one of the best Bachelor/Bachelorettes at listening and genuinely looking concerned for someone else crying about something. Like just imagine Chris Soules listening to this story - his face would remain unchanged as would his personality because he has none and never did and I’m still pissed they ever offered him the job. 

 

I guess what really bugs me is Krystal’s annoyingly needy questions to Arie at all times - she’ll ask another dumb one later, but after she’s spilled her guts, she just goes “Does it scare you?” Like, Krystal, gross, I hate everything about the way you asked that question. Arie responds as a human should and says that he can see that she’s a strong, independent person with a good heart and again she just asks “You can see that?!”. Just stop, Krystal. She gets a rose, surprise, surprise, and the two of them just head to another building? This time they go to the theater at the Ace Hotel - they’re walking up a very large flight of stairs, but I’ve been there and let me tell you that walking up that large flight of stairs does not at all take you to where they actually go which is the stage while Connor Duermit is singing. Sorry, who? He’s a budget Sam Smith and I’m kind of into him. Obviously NOT into any form of this private concert, but at least the singer was good. They dance while Connor stands a mere two feet away. It’s uncomfortable. 

 

We cut to Krystal at the mansion the next morning and she says “It felt amazing waking up this morning and having my rose.” EXHIBIT A THAT I KNOW YOU’RE NOT IN IT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, GURL. There’s this awkward scene of all of the girls sitting in a room trying to ask Krystal how her date went and she literally just won’t tell them. It’s so weird. She’s clearly a girl who says that she’s just “never really had a lot of girl friends”. RED FLAG. IF YOU DON’T GET ALONG WITH AN ENTIRE GENDER, MAYBE YOU’RE THE PROBLEM, KRYSTAL.

 

Time for what may be one of my favorite dates ever on this franchise: the girls show up in varying degrees of being covered and get to watch Arie drive in circles for, arguably, too long. I have to keep reminding myself that there are 15 people on this date because it’s just too much. Arie finally stops driving and gets out of the car to tell the girls that they’re going to take part in a demolition derby. “This is like some redneck shit”, says Tia, aka my favorite person maybe ever. I followed her on Insta as well, let’s see if this season makes me want to follow anyone else. The best part is that everyone gets to decorate their own car with spray paint - shout out to whoever wrote “Thanks, Emily” on their bumper. They either didn’t show who it was or I missed it. WOOPS. 

 

So a bunch of girls start driving around indicating what I believed to be the start of the derby and I was VERY concerned because they were simply wearing seatbelts and they appeared to be loosely fastened at that. But, lo and behold, only a few girls were asked to partake in the very unsafe portion of the day - meanwhile, Annaliese is LOSING IT. A demolition derby is apparently her worst nightmare because, drum roll please, she’s had BUMPER CAR TRAUMA. Apparently once as a child she was in a bumper car and the carnival ride worked as expected and it was very traumatic for her. First we had Krystal apparently knowing dozens of people who have lost body parts in motorcycle accidents and now Annaliese is a bumper car survivor. What a triggering episode. Jenny is kind of a bad person, though, we find out because she wants to give Annaliese further trauma. Like, girl, I think it’s an absurd thing, too, but you don’t just give people more trauma. It will become more apparent later that Jenny is not a nice person. 

 

Arie comforts Annaliese and apparently she’s cool with the date now and that’s kind of the end of that? Great. Luckily, there is more protection for these women - they walk out in full racing suits which includes helmets and neck braces. Good. Arie lovingly helps all of the women put on their gear in preparation for what Chris Harrison has dubbed the “Bashelor Demolition Derby”. Mmmk. Chris Harrison is SAVAGE by the way. “Could this be the first time Arie actually wins something on a race track?” Spoiler alert, but, no. By the way, I just looked up how many races Arie has actually won and I think the answer is literally one. He’s won a single race in his entire career. Poor guy. 

 

Once everyone has suited up, they are all literally off to the races. It’s so fun, truly. Annaliese immediately gets over her trauma, Brittany GOES FOR IT, Chelsea is, of course, too aggressive, and my girl, Tia, is one of the final two! Seinne pulls out the win, though, and she literally takes a victory lap. I’m beginning to like her more and more. Seinne drinks the apparently traditional victory milk and it’s all great and it looked so fun and now I want to do this!

 

Everyone heads to a cocktail party except for, wait, Brittany is legitimately injured? Yikes!!! Surprise, surprise, Chelsea grabs Arie first and the rest of the girls are pissed about it. Chelsea wants to tell Arie why she seems “mysterious”. Ugh. She, of course, says that she “has another man in her life” which is her three year old son. I mean, just, can we find a better, less cheesy way to say this? Arie takes it well - I had forgotten that he dated a woman with kids before he was on the Emily’s season as well. He knows what he likes apparently? They kiss, she uses too much tongue again, and finally she goes back to join the rest of the girls who hate her. Especially Marikh and Bibiana who are annoyed that she thinks she deserves more just because she has a child. Ehh, this is a weird argument and I don’t know which side I’m on so I’ll move past it! Seinne gets to talk to Arie and we find out she went to Yale so she’s apparently stunningly beautiful and incredibly smart and life’s not fair. Arie is just like “I barely went to high school and worked at Pizza Hut.” TRU. 

 

While Arie is chatting with smart people, the rest of the girls are sitting on this couch and then we just see Bibiana freak the eff out? Like it literally came out of NOWHERE. She just starts yelling about how it’s the end of the night and she still hasn’t gotten her time with him and like GURL YOU’RE IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN DESTINY, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. For a woman who seems super fierce and doesn’t want to put up with shit, she sure does not seem to be very good at advocating for herself. Like, I liked her a lot up until now, but she is very into blaming everyone but herself for her problems. NOT. INTO. THAT. 

 

Arie is chatting with Bekah M. and he’s clearly just SO into her. Let me just say: I like Bekah M., her energy is great and clearly Arie likes her, but I think we can all agree that we’re about to get annoyed with her in two to three weeks’ time. Nevertheless, she and Arie make out finally and it’s SO SLOW, like definitely in slow motion and she gets very dramatic music behind her and I think the edit is telling us to love her because she’ll be sticking around for awhile? Still can’t decide if she’ll end up in the final weeks. They walk back and finally it’s time to hand out the group date rose. Arie pulls a FAST ONE and is like “Chelsea, thank you so much for opening up, but, surprise, Seinne, you’re a genius so please accept this rose.” YAHS. 

 

Alright, so it’s time for the cocktail party and Bibiana is already on a rampage about how she needs to get her time tonight. YEAH, GIRL, EVERYONE DOES. Arie walks in and it kinda looks like he almost tripped on the way in, but we can’t dwell on that because he needs to talk to Brittany first to make sure that she is physically okay. Apparently she is, but still feels a little weird. Has there ever been a true medical evacuation on this show? And Evan’s trip to a Mexican ER does not count. Arie gives Brittany the “Most Hardcore” award for her performance in the demolition derby and then she fully FOLDS THE AWARD. This is just a move that is so indicative of how she lives her life and like she’s probably a very cool person, but likely leads a slightly disorganized existence. Bekah finds Arie in the literal shadows while she’s wearing a fur jacket and they like each other and Arie says he leads with chemistry and it’s like YEAH WE KNOW. BUT, we get our first makeout session against a wall with these two. Here’s to many more! 

 

Bibiana and Krystal are both freaking out in the mansion about how they haven’t talked to Arie - Krystal takes it into her own hands and decides to interrupt Arie’s time with Lauren B. in order to talk to him. I’m confused why all the girls are genuinely shocked that she would interrupt someone else’s time? Like, of course she is going to do that. Krystal meanwhile asks Arie another needy question: “Did you miss me?” Being around Krystal seems EXHAUSTING. Interestingly enough, they did not kiss, which leads me to believe that maybe Arie is realizing how insincere she is. We’ll see. Krystal walks back inside and AGAIN just refuses to tell anyone about what she and Arie talked about. Like, girl, nothing was that interesting that you need to hide. Marikh and Arie play Truth or Dare, Kendall reveals her taxidermy fetish, and Bibiana is still freaking out. Finally she decides to go find Arie and talk to him, like she SHOULD HAVE DONE ALL ALONG. They really do not have a super natural chemistry and I do not see her sticking around all that long. BUT, wouldn’t ya know it, someone comes to interrupt her time with him and IT’S KRYSTAL. GO AWAY, DEMON. She gets stonewalled and literally goes back inside to wait by the door while they finish talking about nothing. 

 

Bibiana and Krystal end up next to each other on the couch and Bibiana is just yelling and Krystal telling her to “watch out” for all of the time she’ll have with Arie and it’s just very dramatic and threatening and I already didn’t like Krystal, but now I don’t like Bibiana because she’s not a chill person and isn’t willing to take responsibility for anything. Like, anyone on this show who pretends like they don’t know exactly what they signed up for is incredibly frustrating to me. 

 

Rose ceremony time! Krystal says that her evening is “going amazing” because she already has a rose. I HATE HER. Anyway, Arie walks out and is objectively bad at giving pre-rose ceremony speeches. Congrats to: Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah M., Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B., Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, and Bibiana. Bai to Jenny, Lauren G., and Valerie. Aw. I guess we had to say goodbye to one of the Laurens eventually. Jenny is just a mess, though, takes like ten minutes to say goodbye to the girls and then just fully walks by Arie without saying anything. Fine, whatever. But then he goes to talk to her and she just does not give him a hug and then says that she thinks this thing isn’t for her? Well, great, because you’re not involved anymore. She flat out says that she’s not sad about leaving him, she’s just sad about leaving her new friends. LOL. She’ll spend the next 5 minutes seemingly sad about leaving Arie, tbh, but it’s still hilarious. She’s an actual child, I do not like her. The main reason she’s crying is she’s never been broken up with before. Aw, poor baby! “He literally picked a taxidermist over me.” YOU’RE NOT THAT GREAT, JENNY, GET OVER YOURSELF. 

 

Next week on The Bachelor: Wrestling! Lauren S. gets a one-on-one, Arie is still obsessed with Bekah M. and he kisses Lauren B. Annaliese still won’t stop crying, something “shook” everyone in the house, and someone wants to kill Krystal! See ya then!

The Bachelor, Season 22: Week 1

Let’s start our engines – it’s time for The Bachelor 2018! To be honest, I had intended to keep a running tally of racing puns they make these season and promptly abandoned that idea less than 5 minutes in because I couldn’t keep up. If you stay up to date with me or my life or have known me for more than five years, you’ll know I love Arie. It was truly heartbreaking to watch him lose to Jef with one F and I thought I’d never see the day when Arie could get his redemption. Well, 2018 is the year, people, let’s fix our government and Arie’s love life IN. THAT. ORDER. Chris Harrison and every Bachelor producer I follow on social media has done their damnedest to make sure that we know they’re happy with the choice of Arie, but also they’re definitely tempering our expectations. Not a single mention of this being the “most dramatic season ever”! So, without further ado, let’s jump into what Chris Harrison calls an “exciting” season premiere:

 

Let’s start this whole thing off by mentioning that Arie is barely a racecar driver anymore. And even when he was, he was not very excellent. Still, though, the first shot of Arie has him stating that this will be the “most important race of his life”. We also get to learn that he’s sponsored by Honda? Cool! He starts rehashing the glory days of Emily’s season and then we head into the longest recap of all time. You know it’s about to be a relatively boring episode when they spend an entire segment, commercial to commercial, recapping what happened FIVE YEARS AGO to drum up some interest. I can only hope five years from now they just do a swipe up link to my blog in the event he’s still searching for love at 41. I can’t say I hate this, though. There are few things in the world more fun than watching Arie Luyendyk Jr. make out with someone. I had totally forgotten that they didn’t shoot any of Emily’s season in the Bachelor Mansion, though, so he’ll be a newbie there, too. The other thing I forgot was just how new Emily’s teeth were that season. She was getting used to them the entire time and it was distracting. She broke up with him while he was wearing, at least according to his live tweeting during this premiere, a blue Mossimo t-shirt from Target. Side note: if not everyone is super on board with Arie, please, please, follow his live tweets during the show. He’s a funny guy, he’s shy, he understands this is absurd. Anyway, she left him broken hearted, but luckily he kept a journal and hand delivered it to Charlotte after the finale! She didn’t read it! HOW RUDE!

 

Five years later he is rocking a cardigan in an effort, I think, to make sure he looks as much like Peter Kraus as physically possible. Aside from racing, he’s in real estate now and he’s selling the Bachelor mansion? I had the pleasure of watching this premiere with some of my besties and our moms and all of us were like “Are we watching him literally sign his contract to be the Bachelor?”. It was confusing times. While he’s walking around the house he’s presumably just sold, Sean and Catherine show up and their son, Samuel, may be the cutest baby of all time. Sean and Arie are still best friends 5 years later, which makes me very happy. Arie calls him out for coming back and giving all these guys advice every year and, clearly, none of it has worked out. Wait, is that right? Sean’s the last Bachelor to have a successful ending? Yikes. Basically, we get to see Samuel running around being the cutest and Sean and Catherine convincing Arie that he can find love on television. HE KNOWS, GUYS, SHE JUST DIDN’T PICK HIM. Finally, we move to the photo shoot. Just once I want it to be a visibly awkward photo shoot. Enough with these guys who are super fine posing for these press photos. After that long, hard day of SELLING THE MANSION, holding roses, and pretending to be a successful racecar driver, Arie heads to his room at the Westlake Village Inn, of course, with a single carry on suitcase and leather backpack in hand. Sorry, but NO. Not even that thick cardigan would have fit in this amount of luggage. My favorite part, potentially, of this whole episode was this WEIRD shot of Arie standing in a beige room with literally THOUSANDS of CGI rose petals falling around him. Godbless.

 

Chris Harrison introduces Arie as “handsome”, “financially successful”, and “arguably the best kisser” they’ve ever had on the show. SIGN. ME. UP. The point is, according to Chris Harrison, “the guy’s a catch”. Spoiler alert, but Chris Harrison’s intro is just about as disingenuous as Krystal’s whole being. Speaking of a disingenuous castmate, let’s meet some of the girls. First up: Demon. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Chelsea. She’s a single mom from Portland – side note: Oregon or Maine? Don’t know, don’t care. She’s folding some of her child’s clothes and suddenly THERE’S A NEW FONT. WHAT. I am NOT into this sans serif nonsense. GIVE. ME. ELEGANCE. I’m so distracted by the new font that I barely hear what else she has to say. I watched the episode twice and basically all she says is that she’s a mom. Okay then. Caroline is next, and is a realtor. She’s from Fort Lauderdale and she is, as of now, the only one of the bunch I’ve chosen to follow on Instagram. She hasn’t even been in real estate for a year, but she’s already sold $5 million so she’s “really good” at her job. Cool. The best part of her feature was the following:

 

REAL ESTATE CLIENT: “Do you have kids?”

CAROLINE: “Not quite.”

 

What the eff does that mean? Also she “grew up around cars”. YEAH, CAROLINE, WE ALL DID, WE WEREN’T BORN BEFORE HENRY FORD. Maquel is next and she’s a bridal photographer. Seems fine, but her client’s wedding dress is not my favorite.

 

Next is Nysha who is a nurse and says that “the more blood the better”. She just went skydiving and apparently agreed to have the Bachelor camera crew with her? Seems convenient. One of Raven’s best friends, Tia, is on the show and she’s from Weiner, Arkansas. Tia shoots guns and goes fishing and is a physical therapist! I like Tia. I was wondering if she would, but Raven did indeed show up in this feature and tells the nation that Tia is very likeable. Looking forward to it. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm the next girl collects taxidermy. NO. She’s Kendall and she’s a “Creative Director” from LA. Am I a creative director from LA? I creatively direct this blog, which is quite ugly and I’m from LA. My real job title is confusing so lord knows that’s likely what they’d choose were I ever to go on a reality show. Kendall “likes doing research on animals” and oh, also, she sings and plays ukulele quite badly and she’s singing to a dead seal. This is creepy.

 

Bekah M. is also from LA and she’s a nanny to a fifteen-month-old baby. Her age is not revealed, though it was on the internet almost instantly, and I won’t put it here in case I have people that care about spoilers, but let’s just say: she’s legal. Bekah is adventurous and found a single boulder to climb without any equipment. Marikh is next and she’s stunning and she owns an Indian restaurant with her mom. She hopes Arie is “ready for her spice”. At this point in the recap, I’ve finally added “Arie” to my spellcheck dictionary so I can stop seeing that red squiggle further discrediting this choice for Bachelor. IT’S A REAL NAME AND I WILL BE TYPING IT FOR THE NEXT 10 WEEKS! Now it’s time for Krystal. UGH. She’s so severely vocally damaged that I find it difficult to listen to her. Not only is she a walking billboard for nodes, she’s also just not someone I trust. She volunteers, which, no, actually she hands out food to the homeless. Like, that’s great, I think that’s excellent. I hate nothing more than hating someone and then finding out that they do good things. Like, just be an all around bad person, that would be so much easier for me. Krystal is an online health and fitness coach and has spent just so much time “diving into people”. GROSS. I meant to look up how many YouTube subscribers she has, but ended up not doing that because why.

 

Finally, Arie arrives at the mansion for the first time since his commission came through and the girls in the limo are just averagely excited to meet him. He tells Chris that he’s really nervous and that he wrote this off a few years ago. Chris is savage and is just like “You’ve had relationships, but they’ve just never worked”. Yeah, THANKS, CHRIS. With that vote of confidence, Chris gestures to the first limo and says, for the first time: “Let the journey begin.”

 

If you’ve been with me for a few seasons, now, you know that one of my least favorite things about this show is the standard “Get the contestants on a balcony and have them scream the Bachelor/Bachelorette’s name”. Well, they’ve started early this year with the first limo simply screaming “Arie” at the top of their lungs. Blech. First out of the limo is Caroline and her dress is stunning. Also, she has JoJo level hair. She tells Arie that she’s a real estate agent and she hopes that at the end of this they’ll both be “off the market”. OH NO. I DIDN’T THINK WE’D HAVE TO DEAL WITH RACING AND REAL ESTATE PUNS, GOOD GOD. Chelsea (gross) is next and I swear Owen Wilson jumps into Arie’s body for a second: “Wow”. Chelsea just creeps me out a little in this intro and says that there’s “a lot, umm, to get to know”. Like okay. Kendall is next, and I know she’s about to seem very normal for the rest of this episode, but I must remind us all that she collects taxidermy. Seinne is very beautiful and she brings Arie cufflinks with elephants on them because elephants are her favorite animal. Then she says that “an elephant never forgets”? Is that a thing?

 

Because she’s from Weiner, Tia brought Arie a tiny wiener and I love it. “Please tell me you do not already have a little wiener.” “I do not have this.” I love so much that this joke went directly over his head. It makes it all the better. Inside, Chelsea says that Arie is “not only handsome”, but he’s also “welcoming”. LOL. What a tepid compliment. Bibiana is next and she spilled something on her silk dress, poor girl, but Arie has her heart racing. Bri is a sports reporter and threw him a softball and was way too excited about him catching it. Jenny is a graphic designer, Brittane J. brought a bumper sticker for Arie’s ass that says “Nice Butt” and he points out to the nation that he has a very small butt. Jacqueline seems very smart and says that he’s accomplished “standing there and looking pretty”. I agree, Jacquline, I agree.

 

Krystal (UGH) gets a VERY dramatic entrance and I’m into the front of her dress, but not the back. She literally leads Arie through a meditation and she’s “SOGRATEFUL”. Over it. She walks away, though, and Arie says “Oof, I needed that.” Calm down, buddy. Inside, I’m obsessed with Tia: “You’re all fucking cute!” Nysha is next out of the limo and she’s very tiny, Valerie made a bold choice with a yellow lace dress, and then we see the entrance of a Cherry Red Mustang. You’ve got to give it up to Bekah M. for both her entrance and the bold choker. She tells Arie that she “may be young, but she can appreciate something classic”. Back to Tia: “Damn, that was a sexy entrance and a sexy car and I walked out with a little wiener.” I would like to go get a drink with Tia and Raven one night. Chelsea goes actually CRAZY and just says, “That cherry red looks better on your lips, bitch.” Like, CHILL. Chelsea is, though, concerned that there’s a lot of girls to choose from. Right.

 

Next up is Jenna who is another social media manager and she might be drunk? She is VERY demonstrative and she scares me a little. Jessica is a television host from LA and is wearing quite a casual, summery dress – she also brought Arie a gift and it’s a gratitude rock and I’ve never heard of that, but it seems nice. Marikh wants some salt and pepper in her life (hehe), Olivia adored Arie on Emily’s season, and Becca K. asks Arie to kneel. She makes him repeat the sentence “Rebecca Jill, are you ready to do the damn thing?” I don’t love this move here, but I do like Becca later on in the evening. I do want to know what was in the ring box she made him hold out, though.

 

Let’s pause on Lauren S. for a second here – a friend texted me to say she and her husband were in Dallas about a week ago and overheard some girl gossiping about her time on the upcoming season of the Bachelor. My friend later looked up who it was, and it’s Lauren S. and she apparently gets a one-on-one (further evidenced by the season preview), but the fact that she was gossping about this openly in a restaurant makes me not like Lauren S. She has a lot of energy and she’s pretty and maybe she’ll change my mind, but I will be cautious about her. But also, like, clearly she can’t win if she’s doing that…

 

Lauren S., though, is the start of the Lauren train because this year, surprise, surprise, there are 4 OF THEM. I feel like I mentioned it when they did it another season (I think it was Ben’s?), but I went to high school with 6 LAUREN H’s. THAT DIDN’T EVEN COUNT THE OTHER LAST NAME INITIALS. It’s a rampant millennial name. Anyway, Lauren J. is a recent masters graduate from Louisiana, Lauren B. is just introduced as the third Lauren, but I have to say her icy blonde hair color is STUNNING. Lauren G. is the last Lauren and she just says to Arie: “I know you just met another Lauren”. Lol. Chelsea’s a snot and tells a terrible joke: “Four Laurens walk into a room and none of them get chosen.” At least she’s not a terrible person and funny, that would be infuriating.

 

Ashley brought a checkered flag and Arie’s the one that pops in with a pun and asks if they’ll make it to the finish line. He even goes so far as to say that “those race car jokes crack [him] up.” Uh, not me, Arie. Brittany T. seems bubbly and tried to speak in Dutch, because I forgot he speaks Dutch, but we didn’t bring that up in the Emily season recap so this limo exit falls flat. Amber owns a spray tan company and sees a lot of dicks. Ali will go down as potentially the worst limo exit in history because she makes Arie smell her armpits for a “pitstop”. BLECH. Annaliese dresses up as the Kissing Bandit, but I would like to know what’s in her satchel – Arie seems genuinely physically attracted to her, though. Finally, a fully Indy car pulls up and this girl makes SUCH a dramatic entrance, I love it. It’s Maquel and I thought she was driving, but she was actually just in the backseat and I’m loving her dress and hair and I hope she’s cool. I don’t even remember what she said, but at this point, my notes just say “Chelsea is a truly bad person”, so.

 

Only behind my hatred of the balcony yelling is my hatred of the night one insane flattery and we have A LOT of it this year. I do not need to see 29 women sitting in a room talking about how amazing this guy is that they’ve spent a total of 19 seconds with. But that’s it! A random, interesting, mostly blonde collection of 29 women for Arie to fall in love with. He walks in and you literally see him mess up by not taking his drink from Chelsea – I kind of like that they left in his mess up and quick note from the producer. Chelsea, of course, grabs him first and Arie tells her that she’s mysterious. She says that she made a lot of sacrifices to be there, but then won’t tell him what the sacrifices were. For a guy who’s saying that all he wants is to find a wife, I’m surprised that he’s putting up with this weird game she’s playing. She doesn’t tell him about her child, of course, but she did just pass her real estate course! LOLOLOL OKAY. Maquel cuts in, thank god, because I did not care about this, and Chelsea calls Maquel “a little loud”. Now, I know I’m literally writing a satirical blog about this franchise, but I’m NOT into women just being assholes to each other. Chelsea, knock it off, especially because you’re raising a kid and I don’t think we need another asshold in this world. Shoutout to Bekah, though, who also does not care for Chelsea’s attitude.

 

Maquel and Arie take a polaroid with the WORST pose ever, Arie tells Jacqueline that he’s grown up since his last time on the show, and Marikh and Arie don’t really talk about anything. Nysha quickly brings up interracial dating with some of the other girls, Ali is very not memorable, and Brittany T. lowkey has a surprise for Arie. They’re those little tiny cars for kids. I LOVE THIS. She places a bet: if she wins, she gets a kiss. I respect it. I don’t even love Brittany that much for Arie, but I just love this little scene, makes me happy. She wins, well, she doesn’t, but he tells her she does, and they share a relatively lame kiss.

 

Kendall brings her ukulele and it’s still not great, Caroline brings really bad looking pizza for them to eat, and I was DYING at Lauren G. telling Arie that her safe word is “pineapple”. I watched this episode twice and I laughed out loud both times. Jenna is being even more of a weirdo and like, is giving Arie a foot massage? It’s very uncomfortable. Even Arie doesn’t understand what she does and who she is really, it’s very weird. Annaliese sits down with him next and she lets him take off her mask and I am really enjoying their chemistry. She’s very upfront about wanting physical chemistry in her next relationship and it seems like they’re off to a good start. I’m very upset he didn’t kiss her. Becca K. says she’s very close with her family, and she and Arie, too, have pretty natural chemistry and I really like her. Then, the first impression rose shows up. These girls freak the eff out. I feel like even more than normal are they really losing their minds. They’re not only freaking out about the rose, but also about the fact that only like 10 of them have actually talked to him so far, so they all go a little crazy trying to steal him from each other.

 

Krystal gets her hands on him and she tells him she’s a Libra and he tells her that she has a soothing voice. NO, ARIE, IT’S SIMPLY DAMAGED. While Krystal is being not at all herself, the girls are egging Chelsea on by saying that it was a bad idea to have been the one to talk to him first because he’s probably already forgotten about her. I WISH. She isn’t happy about it, though, and goes to interrupt Krystal. Ugh. Krystal’s pissed about it, but somehow can’t stop smiling? She might be a robot. Chelsea and he talk about literally nothing and then they make out with way too much tongue and I’m upset about it. Chelsea literally says that her “job” was done. Like, so gross. UGH. Back inside, everyone’s gossiping about how much they hate Chelsea and Jacqueline says that Chelsea has “balls of steel”. I kind of agree with her.

 

Jenny drew a picture of Arie and I think Arie and all of Bachelor Nation was very, very concerned before she flipped it over, but surprise, she’s an incredible artist. That’s a relief. Tia finally gets some time and describes herself as a clown. Jessica tells Arie that her dad passed away a few years ago, but he actually met Arie so in a weird way it’s almost as if he’s given his blessing. Eh. Bekah and Arie go back to sit in the Mustang in the driveway and Arie describes this conversation as the most awkward of the entire season via his Twitter. I couldn’t agree more. She asks a great question: what are three things that make him excited to be alive. His answers are excitement and pizza. I’m DYING. Not only did he say excitement makes him excited but he fully didn’t even give a third answer. It still makes me laugh almost a week later. Bekah says that the three things she likes are the mountains, the smell of pine trees, and the feeling you get when you like someone, but you don’t know if they like you back. OKAY, BEKAH, I SEE YOU, OH YOUNG ONE.

 

After that moment, Arie heads back inside and grabs the first impression rose and goes and finds, of course, Chelsea. I’m pissed about it, but I’m not surprised. I don’t even remember him giving it to her because they showed so much footage of the girls just also being pissed about it. They all head back into the main room and Bekah’s drinking coffee and I love her for it.

 

Time for the first rose ceremony of 2018: Arie starts with a speech about how if he sends someone home, it doesn’t mean she’s not an amazing person, he just couldn’t see a future with her. That’s almost worse, but okay. Congrats to: Becca K., Marikh, Kendall, Lauren G., Krystal, Bekah M., Lauren S. (my eye is still on ya, girl), Sienne, Caroline, Brittany T., Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B., Ashley, Tia, and Maquel. BAI to Brittane J., Ali, Bri, Olivia, Jessica, Amber, Lauren J., and Nysha! Didn’t really remember any of you anyway. Jessica and Amber do not take it well and both weep in the morning light. Aw. Arie toasts to the journey with the remaining girls and I’m thrilled. I actually think we have a good crop of women to create some drama, but also some that seem normal and probably include the blonde woman he’ll inevitably end up with. THE RACE IS ON!

 

THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELOR: it looks like the California fires are dangerously close to the mansion? It’s a tough journey, but they go to some ruins, to Paris, to Pisa, and it looks like some other fancy places in Europe! Becca K., Bekah M, and Lauren S. all seem to get a one-on-one, Sienne also gets some time and Jacqueline seems to stick around much longer than I would have anticipated. Tia is falling in love with Arie! But so is Krystal, okay. Chelsea literally says she deserves more time than everyone else and Bibiana is not about it. No one wants to be around Krystal and of course there’s going to be drama around Bekah revealing her age to Arie. Also Krystal is quite literally sipping tea. Annaliese, Jacqueline, Tia, Krystal, and some other brunette cannot stop crying and apparently Arie can’t either! A boyfriend with a southern accent shows up, Arie’s traipsing around the desert in a full suit, and he’s had his heart ripped open! I CAN’T WAIT!