The Bachelor, Season 22: Week 2
/This week on The Bachelor: Becca feels like a princess, Krystal is smitten, Annaliese cries a lot, and Bibiana is PISSED. Also I have a personal journey to find out if I hate Chelsea or Krystal more and seriously worry about the safety of fifteen women I do not know. Let’s do it!
To start the episode, Arie is quite literally just sitting on a motorcycle on the top of a mountain. Wait, now he’s into motorcycles? It’s an incredibly long and gratuitous shot of him putting on his aviators and helmet. Can’t say I hate it! Back at the mansion, the women toast to falling in love and then they lose. their. shit. Chris Harrison walks in and the decibel level of this year’s crop of women is deafening. He gives this very average intro and then for some reason asks if the girls have any questions? What sort of questions would they have? Bekah M. just wants to know where the date card is - well glad you asked, Bekah! “Becca K.: Hold on tight - Arie” Very excited for this one-on-one tbh. I did not love Becca’s fake-proposal-limo-exit, but she seems cool. Arie comes to the house to pick her up, and we have the classic girls-following-them-out-to-their-car-or-in-this-case-motorcycle-and-have-them-talk-about-how-attractive-the-bachelor-looked. Blech. I do have to agree with Jenny, though, Arie and Becca look cute together.
Potentially my favorite part of this episode (wait, no, now that I’m thinking of it, I’ll have like seven other “favorite parts” of this episode and they all involve Tia), was listening to Chelsea, Seinne, and Krystal talk about motorcycles. Chelsea wants the world to know that she loves putting herself behind something that’s more powerful than her. Like, okay. Krystal, on the other hand, would not have done well on this date. Apparently her dad (who she is not close to btw) was in a really bad motorcycle accident a long time ago and also she knows lots of people who have lost body parts. Okay???????? If she had been on that date, she’d have to pull Arie aside and have a moment and explain that. “Well it’s good that you weren’t [on the date]” says Seinne. AMEN, SEINNE, AMEN. Do we think Krystal lost a healthy larynx in a motorcycle accident?
Becca and Arie pull up to a house, which I’m pretty sure is the house that Lauren Conrad’s parents built when she was on Laguna Beach, and there’s A TON of food. Like way too much food more than literally anyone could ever eat. Like full lobsters. I’ll never get over the amount of food that no one gets to eat. And then: in walks Rachel Zoe! Look, I love Rachel Zoe, and I think a lot of Bachelor Nation probably watched her show, too, but they genuinely just, like, glossed over the fact that she was there. Becca loves her, though, and she gets to try on a bunch of dresses while Arie sits in the living room eating from a single dessert tray and not touching the lobsters at all. Her dresses are beautiful - the objective favorite should be the bronze one, but no, Arie has to go and choose the pretty, but only okay silver dress. If Zenon Girl of the 21st Century were to have a clothing line, this would be the finale dress. I do kind of love Arie’s willingness and kind of excitement for this date, it’s rather sweet. But what the heck, she literally gets to keep all of these dresses????? What in the world is this girl going to do with ten designer gowns? If she isn’t wearing one of these dresses to every one of the rose ceremonies, she certainly will have lost her chance to wear them. On top of that, Arie takes Becca poolside and just gives her some Louboutins????? Like WHAT is this date? They’re beautiful, for sure, and call me a buzzkill, but sometimes shoes aren’t the perfect fit all the time. I’m concerned he didn’t give her enough time to decide if they’re comfortable. They sit by the pool with champagne and then ANOTHER surprise, this weird guy who works for Neil Lane apparently comes up with earrings and a huge diamond necklace and she gets to wear this stuff tonight, too??? It’s a cool date, and Arie keeps saying he picked her to be on this date because she’s so down to earth, but I feel like Becca and I are like a little uncomfortable. Like woah.
Once Becca has her thousands of dollars worth of gifts, finally they kiss and it seems nice. Their chemistry on this date is pretty good - nothing to freak out over, but I think they like hanging out with each other. Seems like it could be a scenario where they just eventually grow into love. I’m here for it. Becca is excited because she finally got to kiss his “pillow lips” as all the other girls who have kissed him have named them. I’m definitely not on board with that nickname. Becca gets dropped back off at the mansion and she literally has HUNDREDS of bags with her, but only a single garment bag. And they made her walk outside in her new shoes, that seems mean. All of the girls are v jealous of her Louboutin’s including Bibiana who basically starts crying and says “Oh my god, they are gonna get married”. At this point I still love Bibiana. I will later take you with me on my journey with her, but for now, she’s cracking me up.
Another date card shows up while Chelsea and Brittany are talking more about his “pillow lips”. Gross. “Krystal: Home is where the heart is. - Arie” ANOTHER ONE ON ONE? WHY? AND WHY KRYSTAL?
Becca and Arie have a very fancy dinner, her in her pretty, but not the best choice dress, and him in a full suit, which he is, objectively, rocking. He gives her the Neil Lane necklace to wear and then surprises her again by telling her that she gets to keep the earrings. Geez. Their chemistry is better on this half of the date - Arie tells her that she embodies how he was on the show last time, which I can sort of agree with. Becca tells him that her most serious relationship was on and off for 7 years (she’s 27, so basically her whole life) and that her dad passed away from brain cancer when she was younger. She’s proud to say that she got through it, and I’m proud of her, too. Because of that experience, she’s very close with her mom and sister and she’s really happy to hear that he’s close to his family as well. That’s really all they talk about tbh, and it’s sweet, but I was hoping for a little bit more. She gets the rose and I’m very excited for her and okay cool THERE’S ANOTHER SURPRISE. I was worried that she was going to get more material goods, but surprise, she just gets to pull a string and there’s confetti. THE SURPRISE LASTED LITERAL SECONDS, HOW LAME.
Okay, gross, time for Krystal’s date now. She is truly the least genuine person ever. She shows up in a limo to a private airport and Arie is waiting for her there to take a private plane to his home in Scottsdale - she says that she’s “smitten as a kitten”. Cool. Arie’s excited because he’s going to reveal a lot about himself. Hmm. They get to Arizona and Arie drives her around and shows her some highlights including the Pizza Hut he used to work at, the tree where he had his first kiss, and his high school. It’s relatively boring. You can tell he likes her a lot, though, and it makes me upset. They pull into potentially the shortest driveway in history and, surprise, they’re at his house! His house is fine, but why the hell is his bed so small? It’s incredibly low to the ground and quite thin. Buddy, I think you can spring for one size up. The next few minutes, we watch Arie show her some baby pictures and some home videos. She does a good job of, like, being interested, tbh. I’ll just say that if I were ever on a first date even close to this I’d literally be screaming at the top of my lungs on the way out the door. In an effort to up the creep factor, Arie brings Krystal to his parents’ house to meet his parents, brother, and sister-in-law. It’s honestly not as uncomfortable as it should have been, except for the fact that Arie and Krystal did not sit next to each other. It’s more clear than ever that all Luyendyk men love blondes, though. Krystal asks how his parents met, I’m not really sure what the answer was, and that’s basically all we learn about Arie on this outing!
Back at the mansion, there’s a knock at the door with the final date card: “Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G., Kendall, Bekah M., Jenny, Seinne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, Chelsea: Let’s hit love head on. - Arie” YIKES is that a lot of girls.
Krystal and Arie are back in LA and they have dinner at the Bradbury building which is very cool and honestly that’s a great place for a date. It gives Arie an opportunity to operate yet another piece of machinery, he’s actually a fine elevator operator. Arie tells Krystal that he’s really trying to be cool to impress her. Honestly, yes, that’s exactly what it seems like. Her favorite part of the day was actually him showing her the photos and videos from her childhood, which is the perfect excuse for her to tell Arie that SHE DOESN’T HAVE PHOTOS AND VIDEOS FROM HER CHILDHOOD. Or maybe she does. It’s not really clear. She reveals that she grew up in a “less traditional sense” - her dad wasn’t a part of her life (except for maybe when he got in that motorcycle accident?) and her mom was there, but she was emotionally unavailable. She goes so far as to say that she felt like her parents didn’t want her. Then she takes a hard left turn and tells a story about how she saved all of her Christmas and Birthday money as a kid so she could buy herself a comforter. I know I’m being extremely harsh on this person that has had an objectively rough upbringing, but, honestly, I’ve never felt more like someone was telling a story on television to gain sympathy with the viewers. She then goes on to explain that she was forced to step into a parental role with her little brother and about a year and a half ago, she got a call that her brother was in the hospital following an attack on the streets where he had been living. I have to say, Arie is genuinely one of the best Bachelor/Bachelorettes at listening and genuinely looking concerned for someone else crying about something. Like just imagine Chris Soules listening to this story - his face would remain unchanged as would his personality because he has none and never did and I’m still pissed they ever offered him the job.
I guess what really bugs me is Krystal’s annoyingly needy questions to Arie at all times - she’ll ask another dumb one later, but after she’s spilled her guts, she just goes “Does it scare you?” Like, Krystal, gross, I hate everything about the way you asked that question. Arie responds as a human should and says that he can see that she’s a strong, independent person with a good heart and again she just asks “You can see that?!”. Just stop, Krystal. She gets a rose, surprise, surprise, and the two of them just head to another building? This time they go to the theater at the Ace Hotel - they’re walking up a very large flight of stairs, but I’ve been there and let me tell you that walking up that large flight of stairs does not at all take you to where they actually go which is the stage while Connor Duermit is singing. Sorry, who? He’s a budget Sam Smith and I’m kind of into him. Obviously NOT into any form of this private concert, but at least the singer was good. They dance while Connor stands a mere two feet away. It’s uncomfortable.
We cut to Krystal at the mansion the next morning and she says “It felt amazing waking up this morning and having my rose.” EXHIBIT A THAT I KNOW YOU’RE NOT IN IT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, GURL. There’s this awkward scene of all of the girls sitting in a room trying to ask Krystal how her date went and she literally just won’t tell them. It’s so weird. She’s clearly a girl who says that she’s just “never really had a lot of girl friends”. RED FLAG. IF YOU DON’T GET ALONG WITH AN ENTIRE GENDER, MAYBE YOU’RE THE PROBLEM, KRYSTAL.
Time for what may be one of my favorite dates ever on this franchise: the girls show up in varying degrees of being covered and get to watch Arie drive in circles for, arguably, too long. I have to keep reminding myself that there are 15 people on this date because it’s just too much. Arie finally stops driving and gets out of the car to tell the girls that they’re going to take part in a demolition derby. “This is like some redneck shit”, says Tia, aka my favorite person maybe ever. I followed her on Insta as well, let’s see if this season makes me want to follow anyone else. The best part is that everyone gets to decorate their own car with spray paint - shout out to whoever wrote “Thanks, Emily” on their bumper. They either didn’t show who it was or I missed it. WOOPS.
So a bunch of girls start driving around indicating what I believed to be the start of the derby and I was VERY concerned because they were simply wearing seatbelts and they appeared to be loosely fastened at that. But, lo and behold, only a few girls were asked to partake in the very unsafe portion of the day - meanwhile, Annaliese is LOSING IT. A demolition derby is apparently her worst nightmare because, drum roll please, she’s had BUMPER CAR TRAUMA. Apparently once as a child she was in a bumper car and the carnival ride worked as expected and it was very traumatic for her. First we had Krystal apparently knowing dozens of people who have lost body parts in motorcycle accidents and now Annaliese is a bumper car survivor. What a triggering episode. Jenny is kind of a bad person, though, we find out because she wants to give Annaliese further trauma. Like, girl, I think it’s an absurd thing, too, but you don’t just give people more trauma. It will become more apparent later that Jenny is not a nice person.
Arie comforts Annaliese and apparently she’s cool with the date now and that’s kind of the end of that? Great. Luckily, there is more protection for these women - they walk out in full racing suits which includes helmets and neck braces. Good. Arie lovingly helps all of the women put on their gear in preparation for what Chris Harrison has dubbed the “Bashelor Demolition Derby”. Mmmk. Chris Harrison is SAVAGE by the way. “Could this be the first time Arie actually wins something on a race track?” Spoiler alert, but, no. By the way, I just looked up how many races Arie has actually won and I think the answer is literally one. He’s won a single race in his entire career. Poor guy.
Once everyone has suited up, they are all literally off to the races. It’s so fun, truly. Annaliese immediately gets over her trauma, Brittany GOES FOR IT, Chelsea is, of course, too aggressive, and my girl, Tia, is one of the final two! Seinne pulls out the win, though, and she literally takes a victory lap. I’m beginning to like her more and more. Seinne drinks the apparently traditional victory milk and it’s all great and it looked so fun and now I want to do this!
Everyone heads to a cocktail party except for, wait, Brittany is legitimately injured? Yikes!!! Surprise, surprise, Chelsea grabs Arie first and the rest of the girls are pissed about it. Chelsea wants to tell Arie why she seems “mysterious”. Ugh. She, of course, says that she “has another man in her life” which is her three year old son. I mean, just, can we find a better, less cheesy way to say this? Arie takes it well - I had forgotten that he dated a woman with kids before he was on the Emily’s season as well. He knows what he likes apparently? They kiss, she uses too much tongue again, and finally she goes back to join the rest of the girls who hate her. Especially Marikh and Bibiana who are annoyed that she thinks she deserves more just because she has a child. Ehh, this is a weird argument and I don’t know which side I’m on so I’ll move past it! Seinne gets to talk to Arie and we find out she went to Yale so she’s apparently stunningly beautiful and incredibly smart and life’s not fair. Arie is just like “I barely went to high school and worked at Pizza Hut.” TRU.
While Arie is chatting with smart people, the rest of the girls are sitting on this couch and then we just see Bibiana freak the eff out? Like it literally came out of NOWHERE. She just starts yelling about how it’s the end of the night and she still hasn’t gotten her time with him and like GURL YOU’RE IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN DESTINY, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. For a woman who seems super fierce and doesn’t want to put up with shit, she sure does not seem to be very good at advocating for herself. Like, I liked her a lot up until now, but she is very into blaming everyone but herself for her problems. NOT. INTO. THAT.
Arie is chatting with Bekah M. and he’s clearly just SO into her. Let me just say: I like Bekah M., her energy is great and clearly Arie likes her, but I think we can all agree that we’re about to get annoyed with her in two to three weeks’ time. Nevertheless, she and Arie make out finally and it’s SO SLOW, like definitely in slow motion and she gets very dramatic music behind her and I think the edit is telling us to love her because she’ll be sticking around for awhile? Still can’t decide if she’ll end up in the final weeks. They walk back and finally it’s time to hand out the group date rose. Arie pulls a FAST ONE and is like “Chelsea, thank you so much for opening up, but, surprise, Seinne, you’re a genius so please accept this rose.” YAHS.
Alright, so it’s time for the cocktail party and Bibiana is already on a rampage about how she needs to get her time tonight. YEAH, GIRL, EVERYONE DOES. Arie walks in and it kinda looks like he almost tripped on the way in, but we can’t dwell on that because he needs to talk to Brittany first to make sure that she is physically okay. Apparently she is, but still feels a little weird. Has there ever been a true medical evacuation on this show? And Evan’s trip to a Mexican ER does not count. Arie gives Brittany the “Most Hardcore” award for her performance in the demolition derby and then she fully FOLDS THE AWARD. This is just a move that is so indicative of how she lives her life and like she’s probably a very cool person, but likely leads a slightly disorganized existence. Bekah finds Arie in the literal shadows while she’s wearing a fur jacket and they like each other and Arie says he leads with chemistry and it’s like YEAH WE KNOW. BUT, we get our first makeout session against a wall with these two. Here’s to many more!
Bibiana and Krystal are both freaking out in the mansion about how they haven’t talked to Arie - Krystal takes it into her own hands and decides to interrupt Arie’s time with Lauren B. in order to talk to him. I’m confused why all the girls are genuinely shocked that she would interrupt someone else’s time? Like, of course she is going to do that. Krystal meanwhile asks Arie another needy question: “Did you miss me?” Being around Krystal seems EXHAUSTING. Interestingly enough, they did not kiss, which leads me to believe that maybe Arie is realizing how insincere she is. We’ll see. Krystal walks back inside and AGAIN just refuses to tell anyone about what she and Arie talked about. Like, girl, nothing was that interesting that you need to hide. Marikh and Arie play Truth or Dare, Kendall reveals her taxidermy fetish, and Bibiana is still freaking out. Finally she decides to go find Arie and talk to him, like she SHOULD HAVE DONE ALL ALONG. They really do not have a super natural chemistry and I do not see her sticking around all that long. BUT, wouldn’t ya know it, someone comes to interrupt her time with him and IT’S KRYSTAL. GO AWAY, DEMON. She gets stonewalled and literally goes back inside to wait by the door while they finish talking about nothing.
Bibiana and Krystal end up next to each other on the couch and Bibiana is just yelling and Krystal telling her to “watch out” for all of the time she’ll have with Arie and it’s just very dramatic and threatening and I already didn’t like Krystal, but now I don’t like Bibiana because she’s not a chill person and isn’t willing to take responsibility for anything. Like, anyone on this show who pretends like they don’t know exactly what they signed up for is incredibly frustrating to me.
Rose ceremony time! Krystal says that her evening is “going amazing” because she already has a rose. I HATE HER. Anyway, Arie walks out and is objectively bad at giving pre-rose ceremony speeches. Congrats to: Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah M., Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B., Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, and Bibiana. Bai to Jenny, Lauren G., and Valerie. Aw. I guess we had to say goodbye to one of the Laurens eventually. Jenny is just a mess, though, takes like ten minutes to say goodbye to the girls and then just fully walks by Arie without saying anything. Fine, whatever. But then he goes to talk to her and she just does not give him a hug and then says that she thinks this thing isn’t for her? Well, great, because you’re not involved anymore. She flat out says that she’s not sad about leaving him, she’s just sad about leaving her new friends. LOL. She’ll spend the next 5 minutes seemingly sad about leaving Arie, tbh, but it’s still hilarious. She’s an actual child, I do not like her. The main reason she’s crying is she’s never been broken up with before. Aw, poor baby! “He literally picked a taxidermist over me.” YOU’RE NOT THAT GREAT, JENNY, GET OVER YOURSELF.
Next week on The Bachelor: Wrestling! Lauren S. gets a one-on-one, Arie is still obsessed with Bekah M. and he kisses Lauren B. Annaliese still won’t stop crying, something “shook” everyone in the house, and someone wants to kill Krystal! See ya then!