The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 5

VEGAS, BABY! This week, on The Bachelorette, Colton makes out with Becca, Garrett is, unfortunately, still here, the dreaded/anticipated 2-on-1 finally happens and Chris throws a dumb tantrum for no reason whatsoever. Let’s jump into it!

Becca begins this episode with one of the many, many, Vegas puns they’ll use throughout the evening by saying that, “Las Vegas is the place to roll the dice on love”. Is it? She says last week was a big struggle for her because it brought up her past issues. The men all run into the Aria, which is, I will let you know, an objectively great hotel, and they end up in this “Sky Suite” which looks exactly like the suite in The Hangover, it’s uncanny. The men are running around looking at all the cool stuff and Becca literally shouts from their balcony that is in the room because, surprise, she’s literally been stuck upstairs until they got enough B-Roll of the men freaking out about the room. 

The next day, the first date card arrives - “Colton: Let’s ride off into the sunset together…Becca” OKAY. My favorite thing about this date card scene was that Colton was like “Okay, gotta go get ready for the date” - cut to: simply him in the same exact outfit walking out to the limo. He and Becca take the limo fully out of Las Vegas presumably just to get the close up of “VIRGIN RIVER”. WE KNOW. 

Their date today will simply be riding camels? So romantic. Colton’s camel is extremely vocal and Colton looks legitimately terrified. They end up in truly the middle of nowhere in like, what I can only describe as an old hot tub? It looks like they found a hot tub from 1997, somehow shipped enough water and chemicals to the desert to fill it and then didn’t even have to turn it on because the heat of the DESERT was enough to heat the water. 

Back at the mansion, David and Jordan are busy being extremely annoying. Well, mostly David, Jordan is basically a harmless person, David is genuinely the devil I think?

In the old hot tub, Colton tells Becca that he’s happy about how the entire Tia situation played out - genuine question: did anything actually play out? They just said her name like 4 times and then started making out? Becca is clearly smitten, though, and says that the more time she spends with Colton, the more comfortable she feels. This is the most relaxed she’s been during this entire journey! They are, according to Becca, on the same page and she likes him a lot. Look, I do, too, but this date was pretty lame!

They head to dinner and I can’t help but wonder what time of night this is? Surely they weren’t able to buy out an entire restaurant at a normal time in the middle of Vegas, right? Colton tells Becca that this was one of the best days he ever could have imagined. Do we really think Colton ever imagined he would be promised a date in Las Vegas only to be shipped out to ride on a camel and sit in an old hot tub? I THINK NAWT. 

He reveals some information about his past relationship - he’s only been in love once and he said he loved her very quickly. I know we’re all thinking it, but this has to be Aly Raisman, yes? The relationship ended when she broke up with him and it came kind of out of the blue for him. Although he’s only been in love once, he doesn’t want Becca to hold that against him because, to him, that means that he holds “love” very highly. Becca seems to think that this story means they have had “similar” breakups, which I’m not convinced of, but okay. Kind of out of the blue, Colton says that he associates pain with love? Either I missed something, or really he just brought it up randomly. 

Back at the Sky Suite, another date card arrives: “Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, Chris: I’m looking for my Mr. Las Vegas…Becca”. TWO ON ONE FOR DAVID AND JORDAN. Cannot wait for these clowns to leave. David is “pumped” about the 2-on-1 and Jordan says that he’s going to “crumple up David and throw him away”. PLEASE DO, SIR. 

Back at an empty Las Vegas restaurant, Colton tells Becca that as much as his guard and his walls are up, he wants her to know that he’s making it easy for him to break it all down. Look, I like Colton and I’m thrilled he got the rose on this date, but I am a little worried that Becca and I are both just in it for the looks. Writing these recaps I basically have to watch the episode a second time in my head and in this second viewing I’ve realized that COLTON SAID NOTHING. When Becca gives him the rose, she says that “You, out of everyone, I feel like it is our story.” Huh? She is glad that they’ve already overcome so many obstacles (uh, just one) and she gives him the rose. 

Colton says that this was the “pinnacle” of their relationship, which I absolutely hope so because if it wasn’t, like, he thought it had happened before, I would have some thoughts. They get on a double decker bus and I’m concerned Colton will hit his head on the pedestrian bridges, but he manages just fine. Becca really trusts Colton and it makes her heart happy to see his smile. There’s a “Kiss Her” sign on the strip and he abides! He tells the producers, not her, that he can confidently say he’s falling in love with Becca. I hope so, but also open your heart a little more, bud!

Alrighty, time for one of the weirdest group dates in history - the men show up to what seems to be an old plantation and are promised to get the “total Vegas experience” today. Suddenly, WAYNE NEWTON shows up and truly why. We learn that apparently Wayne has planned this date for him and the first thing he planned was to just tour his own house with them? It is an absolutely insane relic of old Vegas culture including Wayne, himself, who is, objectively, a relic. 

They make it into this weird room that is a collection of curved benches and a grand piano - Wayne begins to sing “Danke Schoen”, that 1963 classic which absolutely none of these men know. Before long, Wayne’s wife Kathleen runs in the room and they kiss like two people who just learned what kissing is, but had no visual aids to help them understand how to do it. We have to watch Wayne sing “Danke Schoen” again to Kathleen and he prefaces it by saying that the way he sings the song to his wife is completely different than when he’s just singing it to anyone. He proceeds to sing the song to his wife in exactly the same fashion as he did when he was singing it to anyone just one moment ago. 

After we’re subjected to that viewing torture, we find out that Wayne Newton would like all of these men to write NEW LYRICS to “Danke Schoen”. WHY TWICE IN ONE SEASON, LIKE, MY GOD. The men are strewn about the lawn of this weird Graceland and we finally, I mean, finally get a glimpse of WILL’S ROMPHIM. IT’S INCREDIBLE. We find out that Blake has never written a love song, but he’s actually feeling what he’s writing, Chris is confident because HE’S LITERALLY ALREADY DONE THIS, and everyone else is nervous because wtf is this and why do they have to do it. 

Becca and Wayne make the rounds to check on how all the lyric writing is going and Wayne straight up says that he was “very impressed with almost all of them”. SAVAGE, WAYNE. Wills writes in French, Lincoln writes in his native language, and then Wayne, again with the savagery, says that he has “heard some inspired things” and he’s also “heard some uninspired things.” Classic, Wayne. The men all gather back into the the weird bench room and Wayne reveals that the men fully have to PERFORM THEIR SONGS ONSTAGE. Now, okay, it’s funny to watch this happen, but can you imagine having to sit in the audience and listen to NINE versions of the same song in a row? NINE.

So the NINE of them show up to this weird little cabaret theater and they’re all forced to wear tuxes and sit in the front row - Wayne and Becca are sitting alarmingly far from the stage in what seem to be quite awful seats. John is first and he winks and he also rhymed “dear” with “ear”, Garrett is next and has no rhythm, though I will give it up to him for rhyming “champagne” with “danke schoen”, and Lincoln sounds like a LITERAL WASHING MACHINE. Connor sings about a picture frame, Wills thanks her for his manicure, and Blake saw people covering their ears which he found “not encouraging”. Becca makes her way onstage for Leo’s turn, and finally Chris gets up there and, kind of objectively kills it. He gets off stage and talks about Arie for an entire verse and just in general has fun with it? I’m not even into Chris, but he clearly, like, worked the hardest on this. I was texting a friend about this as well, but the statistical odds of literally all 9 of them being horrible singers is like one in a million. We didn’t get to see Jason’s performance, so maybe he was okay, but put any 9 people in a room and at least one of them can like hold a tune. Who are these bozos who can’t even do that????

For the cocktail party, they literally go to an empty stadium - I really feel like they did not use Vegas to its full potential for this entire week. Chris tells the other guys that he “killed the competition”, which he did, but just saying that out loud means that he doesn’t deserve to have killed anything. Becca sits down with Garrett first and he tells her that performing was fun and then he like, fully LICKS HER?????? It’s incredibly disconcerting. 

Back at the Sky Suite, the final date card! “David & Jordan: Meet me in the Valley of Fire…Becca” I’m truly PISSED because we didn’t see the reading of the additional date card from Chris Harrison I know was in that envelope that says “Two men, one rose, one stays, one goes”, but I think it was just foreshadowing that they’re (spoiler alert) both losers and one is certainly not staying. Shoutout to Colton for truly just laughing at these two clowns the entire time. 

Back at AN EMPTY ARENA, Chris starts to complain that he hasn’t gotten one-on-one time with Becca yet tonight. Meanwhile, Jason and she dance and he dips her, Wills has the capacity to make someone happy and give all his love, and Leo wants to know if Becca is on a crazy workout plan because she’s crazy fit. LOL. Connor apparently feels chemistry with Becca, but I certainly don’t. Back at the couches, Chris literally says that “After today [he’s] ranked as one of the top frontrunners”. FIRST OF ALL, ‘TOP FRONTRUNNERS’ IS REDUNDANT. SECOND OF ALL, NO YOU’RE NOT, ASS.

Blake grabs Becca and they go outside and all of my notes are in All Caps because I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Blake tells her that he’s been falling in love with her and he’s mad because Jean took away that moment for her. She says that hearing those words from Blake gave her the exact opposite feeling she got when Jean told her. SHE SAYS SHE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH BLAKE AND SHE KNEW IT FROM THE BEGINNING. YESSSSSSSSSSS. 

We find out that apparently the two of them were gone for like 40 minutes (YESSSS) and they return and Chris is still pouting. She announces that BLAKE IS GETTING THE GROUP DATE ROSE, YES, and then announces that she’s tired so she’s going home lolololol. Chris is “shocked” and feels rejected and apparently just wants to go home now. K FINE, THEN GO HOME, CHRIS. I hope she went back to her hotel and just smiled for the rest of the night thinking about Blake and fully forgetting about Chris who is way too obsessed with himself. 

Alright, time for the 2-on-1 we’ve been waiting all season for - David could not be more excited or confident and Jordan basically feels exactly the same way. Again, they go what seems to be hours outside of Vegas and end up in a desert, but a desert different than the desert she and Colton were in. Becca picks the two of them up in a Jeep and David apparently drew the short straw and has to sit in the back seat. 

They sit down on one of the beds they have in Paradise that was apparently shipped to Nevada - or wait, did they just go all the way to Mexico to shoot his 2-on-1? Becca tells the two of them to appreciate the silence and then David fully WILL NOT stop talking. If I didn’t hate him so much, I’d say he has great comedic timing. 

Becca gets annoyed with the silence that he’s ruined, so she just grabs David and they sit on what has to be the least comfortable rock formation of all time. David starts by saying that “in the spirit of being honest”, he wants to tell her that Jordan isn’t here for the right reasons. OKAY. He says that apparently Jordan keeps talking about other girls and models that he wants to hook up with that he’s seen in Vegas. David DARES to say that he thinks Jordan will feel like he’s “settling” with Becca. FUCK YOU, DAVID. HOW DARE YOU. 

Becca is understandably PISSED about this and she even says that it hits so hard because Arie told her that Lauren said she would have been the “safe choice”. UGH. David apparently walks away from that conversation feeling better but I’m LIVID that he even said that to a woman ever. They walk back and join Jordan and Becca asks him if he did say that and they have this short conversation about how he would never say it and blah blah blah. At one point David says “The topic is exhausted” and like YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT IT IS, BUDDY, BUT YOU BROUGHT IT UP. 

Jordan and Becca go to talk alone and Jordan’s pants make me lol. They sit on an equally uncomfortable rock and he tells her that he would certainly never talk about a girl he’d want to see in a casino. I don’t think the “certainly” was necessary, but okay. It’s so clear that Becca has just fully run out of patience for this nonsense, but like Jordan does make a valid argument about David being a liar. Randomly, Jordan starts talking about how his parents have been together for 27 years and his mom has dealt with multiple mental illnesses. It goes on for a bit and my notes actually, truly say: “I literally opened Instagram stories in the middle of this I was so bored”. 

Becca drops Jordan off at the weird bed thing and says that she needs to go think alone about the entire thing. Jordan and David confront each other and it is quite comical - Jordan says that David thought of “the most hurtful thing a girl could hear” and told Becca just to get ahead. David’s retort is that Jordan “has no humor” which is definitely true, but like, neither does he. Then comes a truly iconic line: 

“Being me is my greatest power, being you isn’t your greatest power, which is why you have to talk about me.”

-Jordan, 2018

Jordan’s digs just keep on coming when he says that David is uninspiring and lacks his “own personality”. Honestly, I’m stealing that diss. Jordan says the ultimate: “You’re worse than Arie, dude.” I might tend to agree on that. At least Arie was, like, chill for a minute there. 

Becca comes back and tells them that she’s frustrated with how today’s gone and she feels like she’s back in 6th grade. “This is frustrating, this is annoying, this is petty”. SAME, BECCA, YOU TELL THEM. Eventually we find out that she’s sending David home, but she’s not gonna give out the rose, she wants to get to know Jordan a bit more. The boys, back at the Sky Suite, find out David’s going home and Colton exclaims: “HE HAD THE WRONG ATTITUDE”. IT’S TRUE. 

For dinner, Becca and Jordan go to the lovely Herringbone patio, which is just simply in the Aria hotel. I know exactly the escalators they use to get there because I used them many times once when I didn’t have a guaranteed seat on a Delta flight and I naively decided to leave my laptop at home. Thus started an entire evening of finding a non-existent business center in the Aria hotel. Becca says that Jordan has always made her laugh, but there’s not anything more than that right now so she wants to use tonight to see if they’re compatible at all. 

Jordan tells Becca that he was “pretty shook up” during the day and he’s still super upset about it. They move on quite quickly and Jordan asks her what a weekend looks like for her - she says that she goes to church with girlfriends and then they go out to brunch. Jordan’s weekend, alternatively is just skincare, hair, and the gym - all things that are a part of his everyday life. Becca, clearly deciding to just have fun for the rest of the night without the pressure of pretending to be into this guy just asks Jordan if Zoolander is accurate to which he says “it’s very accurate”. He goes on to show that he can do a “million different things” he can do with his face which he goes on to show us just a sampling of. He even “wishes he could bring out his portfolio” and Becca tweeted and I agree - WHERE IS THE PORTFOLIO AND CAN WE SEE IT. 

The reason I love this damn dinner is obviously not because it’s romantic in any way, but because it’s absolutely absurd and I want to buy a drink for the casting person that found Jordan because he has been an unexpected light in all of our lives. Becca goes on to grab the rose on the table and holds it and literally says “So…it’s time.” LOLOLOL. She goes on to say that he is like no one she’s ever met before, but something is missing and she can’t give him the rose tonight. Aww. God, I hate Jordan, but I absolutely enjoyed watching his antics. Post-David Jordan is genuinely comedy gold. 

Becca walks out of the restaurant and we see that there was a fireworks display for them if he had gotten the rose and we cut back to the Sky Suite where Wills is knowingly sipping his wine. A producer grabs Jordan’s bag and they rest of the men are all just jumping up and down and cheering and laughing at this damn fireworks display for no one. It’s the perfect ending. 

They go to a cool rooftop bar for the cocktail party and already Chris won’t stop talking about how he didn’t get any one-on-one time at the group date. Garrett, whose side I never, ever thought I’d be on, says that it’s only a matter of time before Chris blows up again. Becca walks in and tells the guys that yesterday was very frustrating, but she just wants to have fun tonight. She grabs Chris first intentionally because they didn’t get to talk at the group date. 

They sit down and she starts by saying that she’s confused why Chris didn’t pull her aside on the group date and then she was even more confused when she found out that he’s apparently made comments about not wanting to be there. Chris retorts by saying that she “owes him 50,000 kisses”. I could GO OFF on this for literally 10,000 words, but all I’ll say is that any man who thinks a woman owes him any form of physical affection is a man who does not deserve to be near any woman ever. I clearly hate Chris now, btw. 

She tells him that she feels like he didn’t take the initiative at the group date - he goes on to tell her that if he didn’t want to be here, he would have already left. Gross. She wants a teammate and that night, that didn’t happen. Chris is too much drama and I’m over it. She tells him that she wants to know if Chris can put the effort into a relationship every single day because he certainly hasn’t proven that so far. Chris has made no action, so of course she’s questioning if he even likes her. The conversation ends very weird and it basically just seems like Becca doesn’t want to say something she’s going to regret later, but clearly she doesn’t trust this guy at all. 

Chris goes to talk to Colton and Garrett about the conversation they just had and both of them are just like 🆗. How does this guy not realize that literally no one is on his side? Chris tells them that he could see she had disgust in her eyes and apparently the worst part about the entire situation is that the moment he stepped out of the limo, he gave it his all? Huh? Garrett kinda gives a mini lecture on emotional stability, which he is entirely unqualified to give, but he does so anyway. 

Becca and Wills are talking about being nerds all while Wills is wearing the most incredible floral ensemble and Chris decides to interrupt them. UGH. After a long moment of Wills rightfully saying that Chris doesn’t have the right to interrupt them, he graciously offers Chris 2 minutes to talk to Becca. Chris and Becca have a conversation for maybe about 90 seconds before Wills comes back and is like “Okay, time’s up, bud”. Chris says that “this is legitimately serious” so he needs a few more minutes and Wills is rightfully like “My time’s not serious?!” YES, WILLS. I’m obsessed with how Wills handles this - he absolutely did not have to give up his time and stood his ground when some man decided he was more important than him. WILLS IS A PURE MOOD. 

What I’m unsure about is how Becca feels about that interaction, but she promises Chris she’ll find him later. Chris goes back to the couches and threatens to leave again like the straight up coward he is. Wills eventually returns and literally winks at Chris who is staring at him and says “Sup, baby?” DAMN, WILLS. Chris tries to confront Wills without the watchful eye of Becca and literally e v e r y o n e is on Wills’ side. Basically Chris decides that everything is about him and that everyone hates him and is against him and it’s so dumb. 

Becca does end up going to talk to him again and she asks him why he’s been so jump ship - he tells her that he needed a little adversity to realize what’s in front of him and he’s not going to run away. NO, DUDE. YOU DON’T GOTTA PLAY GAMES TO FIND OUT IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE. GROW THE HELL UP. She still doesn’t trust him and he says he wants to prove to her that he cares about her. I hate him whole-heartedly. 

Rose ceremony time! Congrats to: Garrett, Jason, Wills, Lincoln, Leo, Connor, and Chris. Bai Venmo John! We’ll legitimately miss you! Becca toasts to the next week when they’ll be in Richmond, Virginia? Uhhh, why? 

Next week on The Bachelorette: There’s a political debate it seems, Garrett is affected by Becca’s “headstate”, and Jason finally gets a one-on-one! Also Lincoln and Chris have a fight and Becca gets very emotional. CANNOT WAIT!