Twelve Years Later

For many years now, I try to write my thoughts down about what it meant when Andrew died. It was twelve years ago and, every year, I think it gets a little more complicated. For twelve years, and even the fifteen before that, I never knew the right way to answer the question: “How many siblings do you have?”. Before Andrew died, it might have invited questions, killed a conversation, or welcomed pity I never really thought I was entitled to. After Andrew died, I sometimes literally don’t know the answer.

The most confusing part for me about Andrew and his life and death was that I didn’t know anyone else in the same situation. Yes, one of my best friends grew up with a developmentally disabled sibling, but in her home, not 90 minutes away. And yes, I have another best friend from college who lost his brother, but in extremely different circumstances. I hope these two, as well as anyone else who I value and love, know how important they’ve been for me throughout the years in trying to piece together answers for a question I always knew I’d be asked.

The one person on this earth who knows almost exactly my experience, is our other brother, Dan - he’s the only other one I’ve ever met who knows what it’s like to be asked that question and have the exact same circumstances to run through before answering. He and I don’t talk about Andrew a lot, partially out of habit, I’d guess, and partially because I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put into words all of my feelings or questions.

This day is always a little sad for me. Sometimes not even because of Andrew, because I know he’s in a better place, or at least he’s not in this place anymore. Sometimes I’m sad for fifteen year old me who had a life changing experience no one could relate to exactly. And I know that’s selfish and self-centered and probably not something I should admit, but until you’ve been asked a question you don’t know the answer to, and you know it’s a question you know you should have an answer to, you might not know how you’re going to feel.

My life is extremely happy right now. I’m very grateful. And I spend a lot of time with our other sibling, something I never would have guessed twelve years ago. But just as happy and grateful as I am right now, life is extremely complicated. Some days, life is so complicated it can be overwhelming and I spend the whole day trying to find someone to relate to my experiences. Some days, life is so simple, it’s funny, and sometimes it feels so easy to be a person.

Today is somewhere in between.

Click here to read more about Andrew’s story.