The Bachelor, Season 22: Week 4

Did the producers just accidentally give Krystal Olivia Caridi’s old script from Ben’s season? I mean, look, we all know how this will end: Krystal will be on a two-on-one week 6 with someone she hates (probably Tia at this point) and get sent home. WE’VE. SEEN. IT. BEFORE. PRODUCERS. I guess I’m mostly annoyed because we’re already 4 weeks in and no one likes Arie yet. Not really any of the girls and definitely not any of my friends who did not watch Emily’s season. Oh well, we shall persevere and recap everything that went down on this Krystal episode. By the way, I’ve found an amazing coping mechanism to deal with her vocal damage – MUTE. HER. Just kidding. I would if I could. Let’s do it!

We’re at the mansion and Bekah jumps into the pool alone, which is a perfect excuse for Caroline, Chelsea, Becca, and Jenna to talk about if Bekah is really ready to get married. Bekah and Arie are apparently 14 years apart in age, which, you know, we’re smarties and we can do the math (also look up basically any Refinery 29 article about this season and they’ve spoiled it already). I’ve had lots of long conversations about this age difference, and I have many thoughts, some which I will share throughout this recap – but we gotta address the baby elephant in the room: literally a majority of these women are more than 10 years younger than Arie. I get why it’s a big deal, but why is it a big deal to them??? Meanwhile, Krystal is proud of Arie for sending Lauren S. home. Wait, that was only a week ago? Krystal also brings up, again, that she is the “voice of reason and the voice of reality”. GURL, YOU ARE THE VOICE OF A RECENT NODES REMOVAL SURGERY PATIENT.

All of the girls are sitting together in the main room when Chris Harrison walks in and tells that that it’s “hard to believe there’s only 15 of them left”. It is certainly not hard to believe. He tells all of the girls that there won’t be a date today in Los Angeles because Arie is already gone. OOH. They’re going to meet him in South Lake Tahoe! That’s actually fun, I think that’s a wonderful choice for location. While they’re all packing up, we learn that Bekah is the messy one – IS IT BECAUSE SHE’S YOUNG?!? Jenna, the craziest bitch there ever was, wants a one-on-one. Mmk.

They get to Tahoe and I’m DYING because apparently Arie is staying at the Hard Rock Hotel. I mean, truly, WHY. There are so many other places they could have housed him. The girls get to their cabin, which is not at the Hard Rock Hotel, and they’re all exploring and everyone can see that Kendall loves it because there’s a lot of taxidermy. LOL. Is the requirement for anywhere the girls stay that there be couches in a “U” configuration? I mean, surely production can bring their own couches to accomplish this, but likely they’re looking for pre-U-shaped configurations? Anyway, there’s a knock on the cabin door and Bekah goes to get the date card while saying that she hopes she gets a one-on-one this week because there’s “so much” that Arie doesn’t know about. LIKE HOW OLD YOU ARE MAYBE?!?!??!?! CAN WE BRING IT UP AGAIN, PLZ?! Anyway: “Seinne: Let’s let our love soar…Arie” Oooh! That’s a surprise, but I’m into it.

Seinne is nervous because the last one-on-one that Arie had, he sent the girl home. TRU. Arie walks into the cabin and IMMEDIATELY takes off his jacket and says that he’ll “hang out for awhile”. Doesn’t he have shit to do? Apparently it’s going to be a fun week ahead with a “lotta outdoor stuff going on”. Such an eloquent man. He and Seinne head out, after he checks that she brought warm clothes – spoiler alert: it absolutely does not matter how warm her clothes are for this date – and they ride in truly the largest red truck there ever has been. While I’m contemplating how tiny little Seinne got hoisted up into that truck, Caroline is wondering if Arie and Seinne really have any romance between them. Valid. Krystal, on the other hand says: “Seinne’s on a date today and she’s probably going home tonight.” L O FRIGGEN L, KRYSTAL.

There are so many things I’ll never get over in this episode, but maybe none more so than the producers having given all of the girls binoculars to use and one of them saying “this tree looks so close”. YEAH, GURL, IT’S BINOCULARS. It’s interesting to me that Caroline and Chelsea seem to be friends – makes me like Chelsea more, tbh. Anyway, the girls spot Arie and Seinne and they’re parasailing, which they truly never intro’d, we literally had to deduce from the binocular girls’ discussion. We finally zoom in to the actual date and the boat that they’re on is literally just called Parasail? The only other boat naming practice it reminds me of is when Pacey Witter restores a boat for him and Joey to use and literally names it “True Love”. Like, can we have some creativity in the boat naming department??? They make a lot of connections between parasailing and love and it’s perfectly fine.

They get off the boat and sit in this little patch of grass and have a picnic – Seinne, in her confessional says that she can’t use the “L Word” yet because it would be too much. Uh, yeah, I hope you’re not there yet. They talk about how Arie’s younger brother got married in Holland in a castle with a moat around it. He says it so casually, I’m almost convinced it’s normal. He tells her that in the 10 to 20 second chat he had with Seinne on the first night, he felt like he knew more about her than the other girls. Man, you know as a viewer that they do really only get a few seconds, but to hear it out loud is CONCERNING. He also tells her that she’s a good kisser – she says that their “love” is in sync and that she wants to “let love soar”. SO MANY PARASAILING PUNS AND PREMATURE DECLARATIONS OF LOVE.

Back at the cabin, Maquel gets a call from her mom and learns that her grandpa has passed away – she, of course, decides to go home and be with her family. Marikh seems to think that maybe Arie will allow her to come back? Uh, have you ever watched UnReal? Of COURSE she can’t come back.

Another date card – “Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany, Caroline: Will our love survive?...Arie” Statistically: no. That means little tiny infant Bekah M. gets a one-on-one. Krystal learns of this, probably because someone told her, not because she deduced, and says that she’s not sure why Arie gave Bekah a one-on-one because she’s so young. Literally how does one have to do with another. Krystal thinks that Bekah is still finding her identity. I mean, I hate to say that Krystal’s right, but she is, but also why the hell does that matter in this scenario?

Seinne and Arie head to dinner at THE HARD ROCK CAFÉ. I WILL NEVER RECOVER. I’M STILL CACKLING. I have no idea how, but they managed to have a relatively serious conversation in the HARD ROCK CAFÉ. Seinne says that her parents struggled in love and that as a black woman, she never heard stories about girls who look like her finding their happy ending. YAHS. She wants to know why Arie thinks he hasn’t been in love in 5 years – he tells her that he feels like he dated people he knew weren’t ready for marriage and he just wasn’t putting himself in a position to meet someone. Was it that or that he didn’t put himself in a position to meet someone on TV? We may never know. Seinne tells Arie that at 14 she felt like she was never going to have love and that at a young age, she learned that love is hard. She reiterates that she didn’t have something to look at and say that could be her love story. Was she older or younger than Bekah is now when she learned this? Arie says that he’s impressed by her and, again, knows her from just the first few seconds of meeting her. He grabs the rose and says “I know you said that growing up you didn’t see many love stories with people that looked like you” – uh, yeah, she quite literally just said that, bud. He gives her the rose and they both say that they think this could be their love story. Well, wow, that was unexpected and sudden. I like Seinne a lot, but I’m with Caroline: is there really romance between them?

She grabs her rose and they exit the HARD ROCK CAFÉ, or really, they just go into the ballroom of the HARD ROCK CAFÉ, to find Lanco. Who in the hell is Lanco? They’re an objectively bad band, whoever they are. The production team has gathered an enormous amount of people to come to the HARD ROCK CAFÉ and watch Arie be the worst dancer of all time. I like Seinne, but I did not love this date.

Time for the group date and all of these women are walking through the forest in flannel scarves. No wonder I had a hard time finding one to purchase a few months ago. Krystal, outfitted in, wouldn’t you know it, a flannel scarf, says that she knows Arie knows she’s secure. You sure about that? Arie meets all of the girls and addresses Maquel’s departure quickly and then tells them that they’re going for a hike. Alright, that seems okay. Kendall is excited and says that this kind of stuff was made for her – then she gets very unwoke and says that dates like “shopping” would be better for the other girls. Yeesh.

So instead of starting their hike, they meet up with these survival guides who are married maybe? They’re very intense whoever they are – Caroline is pulling the best faces and Marikh thinks they might die today. Apparently, the first rule of survival is that they have to drink their own pee???? Truly WHY?!?!!?! All of the girls are given a bottle and go find a spot in the woods to go pee into this bottle in order for them to be able to drink their pee. OMG. It’s so horrifying and awful and I do not know why this happened. Once everyone is back from peeing, they say that Arie’s going to go first and he literally takes a BIG OLE swig and then spits out this yellow liquid. It’s so unbelievably disgusting I wanted to vomit. Tia is impressed that he did that? GROSS. Jacqueline is just about to start drinking when Arie reveals that he actually was just drinking apple juice. WHY. DID. THIS. HAPPEN.

The next “activity” they do – what happened to the hike? – is eating worms. I’ve never been more upset by a date. Tia and Kendall are very excited to eat the worms, and they do, and it’s gross. Krystal, meanwhile, feels “out of her element” and keeps saying that some of the girls look desperate. Krystal may feel out of her element, but Kendall takes every opportunity to grab Arie and make out with him in the forest. She may be unwoke, but she knows what she’s doing. Good for her. Krystal says that she “just observed Kendall pull him aside and steal a kiss”. Lol, YAH, that’s the show, KRYSTAL.

Okay so now that they’ve drunk piss and eaten worms, time for the hike we were promised forever ago. Weirdly, everyone is split up into different teams? This is the most delayed and confusing hike I’ve ever seen. Arie ends up on one of the teams, which is, objectively not fair for everyone else. Apparently they all have to take different routes to get to the same place. Honestly just seems unnecessary, but whatever. This hike actually ends up being rather entertaining – Marikh in the wilderness is incredible to watch and literally everyone just looks slightly miserable. They found yet another way to yell his name into the abyss, which I’m not pleased with. Krystal feels more at ease in this smaller group, like okay. Eventually all of three groups make it to this cool hotel place that’s basically carved into the side of the mountain. It’s the Mount Rushmore of hotels. They’re all in a hot tub and Arie and Kyrstal are sitting together and directly across from them are Tia and Caroline just making fun of them. It’s amazing. Krystal is not on board, though. Krystal, in her confessional, says that they were “making Arie uncomfortable”. Do we think Krystal has the physical capability to laugh? I would love to take her to a standup or improv show and just wait for her to lean over to me and whisper, “What’d he say?”.

Tonight, during the cocktail party, is Arie’s opportunity to get to know these women on a deeper level. Arie says that today was his favorite group date, which is cool. Krystal says that it was “exhausting” to watch these big personalities all day. What does that even mean? She decides she wants to bring it up with Arie and says that whatever she ends ups saying she has a “feeling it’s going to be perfect”. Funny, I have the exact opposite feeling. I’m very into the champagne flutes this hotel place has, they’re so fancy and substantial. Arie steals Lauren first and she tells him that she’s trying her best to be open. She kind of asks what Arie is looking for in a wife and he basically just wants a woman with a flexible schedule? He clarifies it by saying that he wants an independent woman. Uh, cool? Lauren says that she wants a relationship in which they’re still spanking each other when they’re old. I feel like she’s skipping a lot of steps in between there. Arie is very attracted to her and says that they have good chemistry. I’d mostly agree with that.

I’m very interested in the next conversation between Arie and Kendall because Arie like absolutely LOVES Kendall. It’s so interesting, I never would have thought. Kendall tells Arie that it’s really important for her to date someone who challenges her. I’m not sure he would, but okay. He’s still very interested in learning about the taxidermy. LOL. Apparently she brought Ping with her, who is a dead duckling. “He’s the best traveller ever.” “I’m sure, he’s not alive!” This is the Arie I love. They make out for awhile which is just very fascinating to me, I almost feel like they have the best physical chemistry. He says that she is extremely quirky, but very sexy and a surprise every step of the way.

Marikh is sitting talking with a few girls, including Krystal, and says that Kendall is definitely getting the rose because she ate the most bugs. Lol. Krystal tells everyone that she “felt challenged because it was such a big group date”. Okay. She then goes on to say that the girls are obnoxiously overbearing with their need to be seen. Ah yes, Pot, meet Krystal the Kettle. She, again, says that these women just don’t know who they are. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a more classic case of projection. Marikh stands her ground and says: “Just because my personality doesn’t show in a group setting doesn’t mean I don’t have one.” YES. YES. A MILLION TIMES YES. I’ll say that I have no idea what this was in reference to and wasn’t a great retort to the actual conversation at hand, but the sentiment is amazing! Chelsea has an incredible Krystal impression, Caroline thinks Krystal is being insensitive, and Tia’s Krystal reaction face is out of this world. They all agree that Krystal is approaching this like a competition, which is NOT COOL.

Krystal and Arie sit down and she tells him that she’s a mix of emotions. She feels really happy and excited, but it’s so hard because she got a one-on-one early and she feels like there’s a target on her back. LOL. While they’re talking, Tia and Caroline are cementing their place as the JoJo and Becca Tilley of the season and I love them. Krystal decides to tell Arie about Tia and Caroline making a joke that he was present for? She thinks that people are threatened by her, and Arie’s like “well, you’re so beautiful”. Either Arie is the dumbest shit ever or he literally knows that’s the only thing that will shut her up. It’s one of the most annoying conversations to date.

As Krystal goes back to join the rest of the girls, she says that she’s “floored” with the insecurities. Kindly stop, Krystal. She goes up to Tia and Caroline and asks to talk to them. Uh oh, this is going to be a mess. The three of them go up and sit like in a little loft thing and Krystal tells them that she feel likes her ass was handed to her. Truly what does that even mean. Tia is not putting up with it and tells Krystal that she makes everyone else feel uncomfortable. Tia wants to know if Krystal spent her entire time with Arie talking about Tia and Caroline – she then goes on to say that when other people are doing better than Krystal, she breaks down. TRU. Tia doesn’t think Krystal is even aware of how she makes everyone else feel and she’s feeling like her character is being attacked. Caroline like sorta kinda makes an effort to at least talk to Krystal, but Tia’s not about it and just walks away and ends up talking with Arie.

 Tia does her best to not dwell on the dumb drama happening, but she starts to cry because she feels comfort with Arie, but it worries her that other people are feeling that too. He tells her to have faith because he has a plan. I want to know the plan! Tia wants more than just surface level attraction and says that he’s a “good dude” and that’s why she’s falling for him. YES, TIA. Tia and Arie meet up with the rest of the girls and TIA GETS THE GROUP DATE ROSE. YOU GO GIRL. Krystal, of course, is confused by the group date rose, but now I’m more convinced that Arie just told her she was beautiful to shut her up. So that’s good at least.

Back at the cabin, Chelsea, who is apparently friends with everyone, sits down with Krystal to talk about whether or not Bekah wants a stable relationship. Krystal promptly changes the subject to herself and tells Chelsea and she’s really proud of herself for overcoming all of those challenges yesterday. HAH OKAY. She thinks that she comes across as “flawless” and feels misunderstood. Ever wanted to jump through your television screen and slap a bitch?

We cut to Bekah and Arie who are going to go horseback riding through the forest and it looks very beautiful. Arie says that Bekah is very different than the women he’s dated in the past – good to know he’s yet to date children. At the cabin, Jacqueline says that she sees a lot of herself in Bekah in that they’re both “experience junkies”. I would literally never describe Jacqueline that way, but okay. We see like four other conversations at the cabin all about how Bekah is too young to want to settle down right now, I’m OVER IT.

Bekah and Arie ride up to one of those fake hot tubs that they’ve used for the last few seasons now, which is essentially a barrel with boiling hot water. According to Bekah and Arie, the “flow of their conversation” is natural – they talk about one of his injuries and how their first kiss was surprising for both of them. At the cabin, Chelsea compares Bekah’s age to being a mother. I’M SO CONFUSED. Caroline is convinced that the second Arie finds out how old Bekah is, he’s going to send her home. Surely I’m mixing up the order of these situations, but Arie and Bekah end up at dinner and Arie tells her, essentially, that he wants to make sure they’re doing more than just making out all the time. He keeps asking her if he wants to get married or if she’s been in a situation that was heading in that direction. She says that she’s never been in the right time with the right person, yet, but OF COURSE SHE HASN’T SHE’S A CHILD.

It’s clear that they’re about to broach the subject of her age and she looks genuinely terrified – he starts talking about how, as he’s gotten older, he prefers to stay in more and more. He asks her if she likes to go out a lot, and she doesn’t say no, but she does describe waking up early to go rock climbing. I’m going to take that as a giant “yes, I like to go out a lot”. PS, her Instagram would back up that assumption – her handle is literally @whats_ur_sign and it makes me uncomfortable and v uncool to look at. I’m a mere three years older than her, but her brand is very young and it stresses me out. She’s the one that finally says, “Wait, do you know how old I am”? He says no and she’s about to tell him, but first she says that she doesn’t want him to see her through the lens of her age. So this is where my major conflict lies. As someone who is a young person and does not really like that she is a young person, I connect with this on such a deep level. It frustrates me that someone knowing my age might influence their perception of me, but at the same time, like, your age is your age. I’ve had literally only 25 years of experience in life, there’s so much I haven’t done or seen or experienced. So, I’m on the fence here. Does a 14 year age difference mean an immediate end to the relationship? Of course not. But does this 14 year age difference mean the immediate end of this relationship? Probably not, but it’s certainly bringing up some questions.

Time for the reveal:

Bekah M.: I’m 22.

Arie: OH MY GOD.

I think it was the exact reaction we were all hoping for. He’s immediately freaked out – he knew that she was young, but his biggest concern is if she’s ready or not. Instantly, he starts thinking about all of the problems that will come up. For a guy who seems to have a thing for single moms, this is a definite swing in the other direction. She hasn’t even had time to have a relationship with someone her age, let alone make an informed decision to want to settle down. He straight up says that he’s afraid they might be too far apart. She can see he’s freaking out and gives all these examples of people in her family getting married super young – he knows that it’s possible to love deeply at that age, but he’s afraid that she can’t commit. Same. Look, I like Bekah, but like I said last week, she thinks she’s cool and that concerns me. Has a cool person ever been ready to get married?

It’s a relatively long conversation about his fears that he’ll emotionally invest in her and then in the end he’ll be heartbroken. He wants to know that she’s lived enough life to get married – she’s apparently “so damn ready” to settle down, get married, and have a family. He, on the other hand, is not here for a 22 year old girlfriend. YEESH again. It’s a very concerning date, but, of course, he gives her the rose because he thinks she’s incredible and surprising and all of the things that he’s looking for. Then comes perhaps the most controversial moment of the night when he kisses her and PUTS HIS HANDS THROUGH HER HOOPS TO KISS HER. THE NATION, NAY THE WORLD, IS SCREAMING. I have such mixed feelings. UGH.

Time for the cocktail party, or so we think – Becca thinks this will be a more intense rose ceremony because of all the drama. Seinne is rocking a jumpsuit as they all walk up to this weird castle place – they sit down in the trademarked U of couches and Krystal tells everyone that she doesn’t feel as confident going into the rose ceremony tonight. She wants to give Arie confirmation that she’s excited to be there – Kendall says that it seems “cheesy” when Krystal does speeches. YAH. In walks…CHRIS HARRISON. OH MY GOD, THE MOST SHOCKING THING EVER: THERE WON’T BE A COCKTAIL PARTY. Only interesting part of this “twist” is watching Krystal’s face fall by the second. Chris Harrison tells Arie that, “to say they were shocked and dismayed is a gross understatement”. I hate to say it, but I’d have to wholeheartedly disagree.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME. Arie didn’t want to waste the time of the women who he is about to send home – Tahoe has given him clarity and excitement because he knows love is here. Congrats to: JUST KIDDING KRYSTAL HAS TO TALK TO HIM. Like I said, this is a classic Olivia Caridi move. Krystal and Arie walk somewhere else while the rest of the girls just fully sit down. I really, truly, could not hear a single word that Krystal was saying to Arie and I care so absolutely little that I made no effort to try and figure it out. Likely something about how she’s so confident in what they have. LOL. The rest of the girls are all just like “sEND HER THE EFF HOME”. Here’s hoping.

NOW congrats to: Lauren, Kendall, Ashley, Becca K., Chelsea, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh, and Kyrstal. Bai to Caroline and Brittany. I’m SO PISSED and so is Tia that Caroline’s going home. Like we were JUST getting to some comedy gold and now half of the dynamic duo is gone? Well, just goes to show that my final predictions were wildly off and now I don’t know what the heck is about to happen the rest of the season. Brittany seemed cool and I’m also a little sad she’s leaving. Not as sad as Caroline leaving, but still.

Before we get to next week, I must, I mean, MUST talk about the tag after the previews – Chelsea was glamshaming Marikh. Chelsea is a former model. The reason Marikh was brushing her hair was because it looked like shit. Chelsea, for the record, is and always has been pro glam. Oh my god. This was potentially the greatest Bachelor franchise conversation in history. I was DYING.

NEXT WEEK on The Bachelor: They’re in Fort Lauderdale! Seems extremely rude given that Caroline is from there, but okay. Chelsea makes out on a jetski, Tia gets a one-on-one, Arie is worried about choosing the right person, and Krystal puts ARIE’S character in question??? I CAN’T WAIT.