The Bachelor, Season 22: Week 5

Week 5 – we’re half way through and I’m writing this riding high after a Patriots loss. I’ll be very honest with you: every week I almost forget that this show is airing. Can we please get some quality Arie time? We all know Krystal is going home next week and then after that, what the heck am I supposed to care about??? Well, this week at least, Tia is falling in love, Chelsea is a mom in case we forgot, and literally everyone hates Krystal, including Arie. Let’s do it!

This week they’re in Fort Lauderdale, which is a very weird and not at all romantic location. Truly who was in charge of the route this year? Arie says that Fort Lauderdale is “a great place to fall in love”. Oh. Apparently things are starting to get real with some of the women, though, you wouldn’t know it from VIEWING THE SHOW. They somehow found 12 bikes for these women to ride around for likely far too long. Maybe just the transportation budget was low? They women bike up to the W Hotel where they are staying in the Penthouse suite. And now time for my yearly crisis in which I wonder how many beds these women are provided. SURELY NOT 12.

Arie walks in to meet up with the girls who are sitting on couches arranged in a U-shape®. He’s wearing so much blue that I’m earnestly wondering if his parents just never stopped picking out what they thought he would look cute in. Nothing is better than the women saying, “We rode bikes” and Arie responding with “Oh, that’s awesome.” When bikes are the most awesome part of your reality show, it may be time to drum up some more ideas. Speaking of boring things: there’s no date card for this first date – Arie literally just turns to her and says, “Chelsea, would you like to go on a date?” UGH. Chelsea says that she’s excited for Arie to get to know Chelsea, not the mom that he knows. Is there a difference?

They head out and end up at this insane yacht, which, they use only maybe 20 square feet of, and it’s great and they absolutely don’t deserve it. We stay with them for less than 30 seconds, it seems, and cut back to the women at the hotel. Lauren gets an interesting feature about how she’s nervous and let down that she didn’t get a one on one this week. She also feels like Arie didn’t even look at her when he walked in the room. Careful, Lauren, your crazy is showing. And then, SURPRISE, Maquel is back?!??! Honestly, why? I am genuinely shocked, usually when people leave for personal reasons, they take some time to, you know, deal with some personal stuff. They “fill her in” on what’s been going on by telling her that Chelsea is on a one-on-one right now and Maquel’s like, “Really?!” YEAH, GIRL, WHAT’D YOU THINK WOULD BE HAPPENING WHEN YOU GOT BACK?

We cut back to the yacht for perhaps the most nauseating line of all: “I’m on a dream boat with a dream boat!” GROSS. We quite quickly, again, leave the date to go back to the hotel where, once again, there are telescopes available for the women to spy. I haven’t seen this much spy gear used in a season of television maybe ever and I watch The Americans. Upon looking through the telescopes, the women realize that “they’re Titanic-ing!” also known as standing. It’s clear that Chelsea and Arie are trying to “Titanic”, but they’re quite an awkward pairing. Maquel is one of the telescope girls and weirdly they’ve removed her age from her title card. It’s almost as if they want us to forget that Maquel is only a year older than Bekah M. for some reason?! While I’m contemplating that move, Chelsea and Arie very haphazardly climb aboard the same jet ski so they can make out. It looks wholly unsafe.

Arie and Chelsea end up at a car museum for dinner, which I’ll admit, looks kinda fun. He says that he loves the fact that Chelsea is really strong and independent and also reveals that he treats Chelsea differently than the other women and has to be delicate. Basically, he doesn’t want to waste her time. This is a prime example of something that sounds really great and positive, but basically just means that he can’t be himself around her and he doesn’t like her that much and why am I wasting my time watching this date? They sit down and Arie is apparently still “curious” about Chelsea and she goes into the gritty details – she was apparently “drowning” in a life that seemed perfect. She didn’t grow up with much and her ex was older and successful and promised her the life she wanted. They got separated when their son was 6 months old after being together for 7 years. Her ex, also, just got married to the woman that he left her for, which is clearly rough. She goes on to say that although she has the least she’s ever had in life, she feels like she has everything. Including now, apparently, because she says that Arie was the one that made the day special, not the yacht or the environment.

Back at the W Hotel, the girls are still completely and totally shocked any time there’s a knock on the door. “Maquel, Krystal, Bekah M., Becca K., Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline, Lauren: there’s not a moment to spare…Arie” THAT MEANS OUR GIRL TIA GETS A ONE-ON-ONE. YAHS, GIRL.

After she’s poured her heart to Arie, he tells Chelsea that he’s impressed with her and would never waste a moment of her time. He loves her perspective and is really proud that she’s here. Now, other recappers who are not me would likely make fun of this statement, but as someone who’s proud of everyone literally all the time, I 100% understand what he’s saying. I’m actually most annoyed that I don’t hate Chelsea anymore, it was so much easier when I did. He gives her a rose and they head up to yet ANOTHER private concert, but we literally never find out who the singer is? I think Chelsea says it’s like “Camilla Arts” or something like that, but they literally never display her name so I don’t care and I’m moving on. Chelsea gets way into the lyrics and basically just the whole experience and it’s so obvious that she’s going to get her heart crushed into a million tiny pieces while Arie rides away with a youngin.

For this second date, they’re bowling and for god knows what reason, they’re underscoring the introduction to this date with Latin music? It’s quite jarring. Also, truly no idea why, but Arie LICKS A PUBLIC BOWLING BALL. Horrifying. The girls walk into the bowling alley and Arie just goes “We’re bowling today.” NO SHIT. They get some beer and bowl a little and I’m taken by the mere moment I got to see of Arie and Becca K. together who seem very natural and I’m rooting for them now. Jenna is still a crazy ass bitch and I don’t know why she’s still here, but she’s bending over backwards and going crazy and is just a true wildcard. Krystal, meanwhile, won’t stop talking about how it’s “interesting” being on a group date because people are fighting for his attention. I mean, that literally might be the smartest thing she’s ever said.

Arie tells them that they’ll pick teams and whichever team wins will get to go to the cocktail party that night, the other team will just go home. LAME. The teams they choose are very random, as are the preselected team names: The Pin-Ups versus the Spare Roses. I love that the producers just heard a single word that had to do with bowling and added some other words around it and called it a day. It’s not at all a fair fight and the Spare Roses are kicking ass. They’re screaming SO loud and The Pin-Ups look pathetic and it’s all over in a matter of moments. Or so we think. Krystal, who happens to be on the winning team wants to toast to “not breaking each other down, but lifting each other up”. I’m confused about this toast because it’s just right after they won and what does it have to do with anything? The other team, which Bekah M., Kendall, Lauren, and a couple others are on, is just annoyed with Krystal’s celebration. They’re “bummed out” that Krystal will get more time with Arie tonight. BUT WAIT. Arie grabs the losers and gathers everyone together to say that he doesn’t think it’s fair that only half of them will get to go to a cocktail party, so he just goes ahead and invites everyone. Everyone’s excited, except Krystal who loses. her. shit.

We see everyone walk back into the hotel and Krystal gets some dramatic music underscoring her tantrum. Apparently on the bus on the way back, Krystal freaked out and called Arie a liar and some other bad things and just generally acted like a child. She says that “the other team didn’t win, he took back his word, he didn’t consult us.” Wut. It’s such an insane reason to throw a fit, I’ll tell you right now I’m going to have a hard time not laughing at literally everything she’ll say for the rest of the episode. Krystal is so angry that she’s decided not to go to the after party – the rest of the women are just watching her have this freak out and they’re like “okay, well, what should we tell Arie when he notices that you’re not there?” She literally just wants them to tell Arie that he was disrespectful to Team Blue. LOL. First, LOL’ing at the request and secondly, LOL’ing at the fact that she didn’t remember her team name from a mere hour ago. I love Kendall who is just like “You’re mad because you wanted to spend more time with him, but now you’re not spending any time with him because you’re mad about it.” Bachelor Nation is confused entirely.

Krystal says that her stuff is packed, which, I highly doubt, but okay. The rest of the women head downstairs and leave Krystal in her robe to sulk. Arie meets them downstairs and sits down in the middle of them and says “We’re all here”. “We’re NOT all here.” Don’t know who actually said it, but it was genius. I love that Arie fully didn’t even realize that Krystal was missing, too. If their connection was really as strong as Krystal thinks it is, I think he would have noticed her just fully missing from a date. The rest of the girls tell Arie that Krystal apparently said some unkind things about him including calling him a liar. “Man, well, that’s awkward.” TRU. After hearing this, Arie randomly decides that the right thing to do is check on her? I think we can agree to disagree on this one. While he marches up the stairs, the women are incredibly frustrated because Krystal is literally getting exactly what she wants. YUP.

Arie makes it to the Penthouse to find Krystal who says that she does not feel okay. She thinks that her and her teammates were disrespected. “Yeah, but it’s just bowling.” “It wasn’t just that and you know that.” Quite honestly, I don’t think anyone but you knows that, Krystal. I’m confused by Arie’s approach in this conversation, though – he says that whatever she is saying up here could have been said to him downstairs, which is true, but then, like, why are you giving her the opportunity to talk to you right now? He pulls the “copules can’t run away from fights” cards and tells Krystal that he’s pulling back. He genuinely looks so pissed, I think not because of the actual situation so much, but more because the producers have made him keep her for literally half of the season and he’s done with it.

He heads back downstairs, without Krystal, and tells the women that he just wants to relax and shake that off for the rest of the night. Alrighty. Kendall steals him first and reveals that one of her biggest fears is that she’s never been in a relationship with someone she’s wanted to marry. Okay? She’s apparently had a string of relationships that last 8-10 months that get very physical very fast. She says that this experience has actually made her take the relationship very slowly, which I think is the first time those words have ever been uttered in this context ever. I love that the second she tells Arie that she wants to let go emotionally, rather than just get physical right away, they just start making out.

Arie and Bekah M. head out onto the roof and Arie asks her if she has any doubts. OMG ENOUG WITH THIS QUESTION. Bekah calls him out ever so slightly for continuing to ask her that. They make out, as they do, and he says that with Bekah M., there’s a lot of passion, but he keeps coming back to the fact that she’s 22. Same. Becca K., meanwhile, says that she still smells like a bowling ball. That doesn’t stop Arie from taking her to his room. YES. She says that she was his first date and she plans to be his last. GOOD PLAN, I SUPPORT THIS PLAN. Arie wanted to give Becca a little something extra – “You gotta kiss the hell outta me.” “Oh, I can do that.”

Unfortunately, we have to cut back to Krystal who is now applying makeup because Arie going up to talk to her shows that he’s invested in the relationship? Hmm. She’s clearly getting ready to go join them downstairs while we see an extended scene of Bekah M.’s Krystal impression. I mean, we can all agree that Bekah M. is just a straight up bully, no? Whether or not it’s funny is beside the point, if you’re really as mature as you say you are, girl, just let annoying people be annoying, you don’t have to make fun of them for 5 straight weeks. Just as Bekah is finishing the fake Krystal prayer, wouldn’t ya know, Ms. Krystal herself walks up to join them all.

Krystal sits down and wants to take a second to say something – she wants to say that her feelings were really hurt. Cool. Kendall asks if she told Arie everything that she said about Arie to Arie, Seinne wants to know what Krystal is trying to do, and Lauren just wants to know what her feelings are toward Arie. All genuine questions, none of which will be answered, of course. Lauren kind of freaks out and runs away crying leaving the other women to confront Krystal. Bekah the Bully calls out Krystal for also going back on her word – she said she wasn’t going to come tonight, and yet here she is, how is that any different than what Arie did? Krystal felt like it would be “the right thing to do” to come join the party, but clearly it wasn’t so BAI KRYSTAL. It could have been very much more dramatic, but it wasn’t and it’s over and let’s all move on.

Lauren and Arie sit down to play 21 Questions, apparently a variation on the globally popular “20 Questions”. I’m not positive that Lauren has a personality, but I do think this is an effective use of her time. Arie’s favorite color is blue while her favorite color is burgundy?!?!?!??!?!!??!?!??!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!??!?!??!?! NO. He likes his eggs over easy with a side of wheat toast, she likes her coffee with coconut milk, while he likes his with cream and sugar. Then we get deep – he asks her what she’s scared of and she says that she’s scared she’ll fall for him and he’ll choose someone else. His biggest fear is that he’ll choose someone that isn’t right for him. Were this conversation between any other pairing, I might be very excited, but I think Lauren might be a boring person and I’m glad I know these things about him, but let’s move on.

The two of them join the rest of the women and he picks up the rose and gives his classic speech about many women to whom he will not give the rose. He just says Maquel’s name, he’s happy that Kendall stuck up for him, but he really enjoyed his conversation with Lauren so she gets the rose. I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t like Lauren it’s just that, is there anything of substance to actually like or dislike? She’s Switzerland!

Finally time for Tia’s date! They’re in the Everglades and Arie says that this is a country date for a country girl. The two of them climb onto a swamp boat and boat around for a while and Tia says that view is “amazing”. View of what? They do actually run across some actual alligators and it’s very terrifying and I didn’t like it one bit. Somehow, they find a way to turn the gators into a metaphor about how “love can be terrifying, but it’s a crazy adventure.” Lol. They end up at this cabin place with this old, old man who built this over 10 years. I have absolutely no idea who this man is or why he’s showing them frog legs, but it is quite an interesting date. Arie and Tia sit down and she tells him what frog gigging is, which I only know about because my best friend is from rural Kentucky and taught me about the horrific sport of frog gigging. SOUTHERN CHILDREN HAVE NOTHING GOOD TO DO.

Tia tells Arie that she lives in the city now, but she does just like a simple life. They talk briefly about the engine on the swamp boat, aka the most romantic topic of all. I love that Tia says the more she gets to know him, the less she can see him racing. Savage. After awhile, they, and I, realize that they’re sitting on this random man’s porch swing. I hope sincerely that he was just standing at a window staring at them for the better part of an hour. This had to be the most excitement he’s had in literally decades.

They go to dinner at what I’m concerned is this same man’s house, but ends up being this old nautical antique place. I have absolutely no idea where or why they found this place. Why the hell are they in Florida this week?! I am not loving Tia’s dress, which actually is a romper according to her Instagram, but she is, objectively, pulling it off. I had forgotten, but Tia is a straight up DOCTOR and I’m proud of her. See?? I can be proud of anyone! She tells Arie that she doesn’t picture herself ending up in Arkansas. Arie goes on this weird tangent of being at his brother’s wedding and the stars aligning and I’ve never heard so much about a sibling’s wedding maybe ever.

Tia wants to know if Arie feels like there’s a higher power leading him to where he is – he says he doesn’t, the decisions he’s made have led him to where he is. She tells him that her faith is important to her, so naturally he asks her if she could ever be married to someone that doesn’t share her faith. She’s a star and says that she could as long as she understands the other person’s perspective. Yes, Tia, I’m loving these answers. She goes on to talk about her “type”, which is basically bad guys that she thinks she can fix. In the past, she says she’s chosen people based on what she thought she deserved and then she starts crying because this all feels like a fairy tale and she’s falling in love with him! Arie tells her that she has to look at him when she says that so she looks him straight in the eye again and Arie says, “You are?” GROSS RESPONSE, ARIE. He’s been hanging around Krystal too long.

She gets the rose and he tells her that he values her, which is maybe the most romantic thing he’s said up to this point. He feels most himself around her and then they start making out this time against a pole! She says she’s been waiting for him to push her against something. LOL.

Cocktail party time! Everyone says that it’s “inappropriate” for Krystal to still be here, which is not what that word means, but okay. Krystal says that yesterday, she wasn’t hiding in her room she was “investing in herself”. DED. WILL NEVER RECOVER. LOL. All of the girls sit down and have to listen to her talk about how challenging this week has been for her and Arie. Despite that, she apparently has no regrets? Everyone just stares at her in complete silence. MEANWHILE, Arie thinks this is working and he’s having a really great time! LOL. He joins the women and Kendall, again, grabs him first.

They sit down and she pulls out a book she’s made that has 100 questions. Can we get this book published, please? She tells him to pick a number between 1 and 100 and he picks 99 because that was his first race number. “If you were with a tribe that ate human meat, would you try it?” He instantly says no and she says she would because she’s curious. Lol. While the taxidermist talks about cannibalism, Krystal is hanging out on a balcony listening to Bekah the Bully talking shit about her. I’m actually with Krystal on this one: is there really nothing else for them to talk about? Krystal walks in to confront them and says that she’d love to just talk to people one-on-one rather than have them talk in a giant group about her. Kendall is the first to say she’d love to talk to her.

Kendall starts the conversation by saying that it’s valid for Krystal to be upset, but Kendall is a protector so she felt protective of Arie when Krystal was flipping out. She says that there is a disconnect between how Krystal is acting and how much she says she’s falling in love with him. Tru. Bekah the Bully is still gossiping about Krystal without her there and says that she “can’t accept apologies that continually lack remorse”. Those are a lot of medium size words that don’t add up to anything. Tia tries to interrupt the Kendall conversation, but Krystal literally just won’t face her. Like, physically, will not turn to her. Basically Kendall says that Krystal is allowed to feel emotions, obviously, but so are they at Krystal freaking out and being a bitch. At this point, Bekah walks up to Krystal alone and just says “I’m asking you, like, why are you still here?” This was likely a powerful moment for those who love Bekah, but for me, I was just like, eh, I’m over it.

We come back from commercial and there’s actual airtime for Jacqueline! She’s apparently infatuated and feels like her and Arie make sense! Well isn’t that wonderful? That lasts approximately 15 seconds before we head back to see what’s going on with Bekah and Krystal. Bekah thinks that everything Krystal has ever said has only been about herself and then she’s just done and leaves and it’s a whole bunch of nothing. Krystal, in her confessional, says that she “tried to be nice” by “allowing” the girls to pull her aside and talk to her. SUCH A SAINT.

Krystal talks to Arie finally and she tells him that she’s grateful that he came up to her room. Arie apparently thinks that Krystal knows him better than anyone else in the room because she’s been to his home, met his dog, met his family. He needs her to be thoughtful and think through some of the reactions she has and that the reaction she did have set them back a few steps. She tells him that her response was “out of character”, which is potentially the biggest lie of all time. And then, oh, and then, there’s BOWLING TRAUMA. MY GOD. Apparently Krystal “grew up in a bowling alley” because that’s where her mom worked and her mom would date people that would follow through on promises and all of this took place in a bowling alley?????? I wish we had a dramatic reenactment of this. She says that “this is hard” for the millionth time and Arie tells her that if she thinks this is hard, after the show she’ll find it ten times as hard. YUP. “This is our first fight.” “It could be our last fight.” YOU TELL HER, ARIE. Literally he hates her.

Rose ceremony time! Krystal gets a short confessional about how she thinks their conversation went and she says that she showed Arie “futuristic”???? There’s only slightly more context in the actual show, like, I have no idea what she’s talking about. Anyway, congrats to: Bekah M., Seinne, Kendall, Becca K., Jacqueline, Jenna (WHY), and Krystal. Bai to Ashley, Marikh, and Maquel. Maquel walks up to him and Arie apologies that it “didn’t move fast enough”. Lol, she was gone for a week. Marikh is very sad leaving and maybe Ashley is too, but we don’t really see it so bai!

Next week on The Bachelor: Paris! Bekah’s age comes up again, Lauren gets a one-on-one, Jacqueline is scared, and unfortunately Krystal is still there. She doesn’t consider anyone to be competition, and you know the two-on-one is about to go down. See ya then!