The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 1

If you’re anything like me, you turned on ABC last night and had a little hesitation to jump back into a show that’s essentially played with your own personal emotions for years on end. Arie very publicly dumped Becca a mere 2.5 months ago. Could she really be over that asshole already? Did we really want to see this woman jump back onto a show whose producers let Arie stay for approximately 40 minutes too long? The answer to these and many other questions is a resounding: ABSOLUTELY. I’m sure every year I say that this will be the best season ever, but this season’s preview delivered. Before I get too lofty about this reality television program, let’s jump in: Night 1. Becca K. No Arie. LET’S GO. 

The episode starts with a flashback of the breakup and just like most of Twitter, I absolutely did not need to relive it. I felt gross enough watching it the first time. After Arie CRUSHED HER SOUL, Becca went back to Minnesota, as one does, and didn’t know what to do. I mean, can you imagine? We see her family while she explains that her parents’ marriage was a great example of what she wants. Shoutout to her mom for saying that this is exactly what was supposed to happen - now I’m not exactly an “everything happens for a reason” kinda girl, but I think all of Bachelor Nation can agree that Becca seriously dodged a bullet. 

The weird part about this brief trip to Minnesota is Becca’s apparent rally at the State Capitol as well as her skip down a public bridge? It’s the combination “Bachelor Winter Games opening ceremonies parade” and “Raven finding out what an orgasm is” that I certainly did not need. The even weirder part of this feature I believe designed to show us that Becca is over Arie is her trip to an aerial yoga class? A couple things there: 1. She is not excellent, though I don’t hold that against her, and 2. If aerial yoga isn’t a sign of “I just went through a breakup and I need to try new things until the crying stops”, I don’t know what is. 

Becca drives up to the mansion in a kickass red convertible and at the mansion are Kaitlyn, JoJo, and Rachel! It is pretty unbelievable that the past 3 Bachelorettes are all still engaged to the man they left with. I would bring up my sincere hesitation with Brian and all that he is as a human, but, weirdly, Rachel seems happy and I need to just let go of that unnecessary negativity in my life. Speaking of Rachel: “Please don’t edit this out: FUCK HIM”. WOW, HARD SAME, RACH. There’s potentially nothing better in this episode than the absolute disdain for Arie and everything he stands for. Also Jordan. But we’ll get there, I promise. 

Honestly, JoJo and Rachel are great and so positive and just keep telling Becca that the whole experience will be hopeful for her and then I remembered that Kaitlyn was there? I think they allow her one sentence which is to make a joke about the GIANT sage that they pull out to remove all the bad juju from the mansion, and Becca’s ring finger (lolol), that looks like a giant doobie. Thanks for the input? Full disclosure: I didn’t watch Kaitlyn’s season, also…I…don’t….love…Kaitlyn. Which I know makes me a heinous person who is anti-feminist and has no sense of humor, but. It’s true. 

Once they’re done sage-ing (there really is no great way to spell that) the mansion and consequently setting off the smoke alarms, they all head out to the front of the house where we’re reminded that each of the three of them are currently engaged to the man that received their first impression roses. Also they all kissed on the first night in the front of the house. Again, we’ll get to this, but, let’s just say, if that happens, I’ll be livid. 

We’re transported to the beautiful and ever so popular Westlake Village Inn, where Becca is getting ready. We hear, for the third time already tonight, that she was “completely blindsided by Arie”. She is, though, thankful that she went through all of that because it brought her to this point. 

Before we get a final reveal of Becca’s Night 1 look (I mean, if we’re not counting EVERY PROMO SINCE SHE WAS ANNOUNCED), we get to meet a few of the lucky gentlemen there to win Becca’s heart. First up is Clay, a Pro Football Player, for which team we’re not contractually allowed to know. But actually, I looked it up and he’s currently a free agent, and he is, by all accounts, an exactly fine player. We find out that Clay, himself, would describe himself as a “big sweetheart”, which seems accurate. Clay seems, well, he seems like maybe he’s not exactly the smartest one in the bunch. We also learn that Clay’s dad is black and his mom is white and part of the reason he works so hard in life is to take care of his family. For his parting words, he chooses to say that Becca is “beautiful, but she has a lot more going for her than just her looks”. 🆗

Garrett is next and he’s from Reno, NV. He does a weird midwestern accent for awhile and I think he’s doing an impression but I must have missed what of and I certainly don’t care to go back just to find out. Garrett believes that if you take life too seriously, you’re going to waste it. I can’t be the only one who wishes at least some of Garrett’s life were wasted. He then goes on to detail literally dozens of activities he likes to do and ends by saying that he likes anything that “gets the heart rate going”. If you rewind the tape, you’ll note that the NUMBER ONE thing he likes to do is GO FISHING. That classic cardio activity: fly fishing. 

Jordan. Oh god. Jordan is next. He’s a 26-year-old professional model, which, same, and his brand is “the pensive gentleman”. If I were to create a character that was equally absurd and hilarious, I could not even come close to the absurdity and hilarity that is Jordan. Here are the three things Jordan does year round: Gym, Tan, and Salt Spray. An updated 2018 version of the original GTL. There’s apparently so much involved in his personal maintenance that it’s, and I quote here, “taxing”. DED. Jordan’s vision of his future of him with Becca is them sitting on a couch with a tub of chocolates watching a lot of chick flicks. First of all: where can I purchase a tub of chocolates. Secondly: surely he googled “what should guys say” and he pieced together three of the top 7 Google results. Finally: He finishes with “a lot of models don’t do that”, which I can’t disagree with, because arguably, no one does that. We’ll have such fun with Jordan, I’m so excited. 

Lincoln is next - we did meet him on After the Final Rose, which indicates to me that he’ll be sticking around for awhile because of this double feature. He’s originally from Nigeria and you gotta love an entire feature of just working out. SuCh DyNaMiC cOnTeNt!

Joe, the grocer is next, and I, as well of all of Bachelor Nation, am OBSESSED. Even before the episode, they posted a bunch of these like 9 second videos on abc.com of all the men and I instantly fell in love with his. Joe owns a grocery store and basically uses his entire feature to prove to us his devotion to produce. One thing he hasn’t produced yet is love! Do you think the producers have been waiting for literally 14 years just to find a handsome grocer and use that pun? I certainly hope so. Joe is not scared to get married and is certainly not lacking in confidence: “There’s gotta be someone out there for me, I’m too handsome.” Joe, I just have this feeling you’ll have no trouble from this point forward. 

Jean Blanc is next and he’s from Haiti and he’s a “collector of accoutrements”. Aren’t we all? His literal profession is apparently as a Colognoisseur, which I absolutely had to copy and paste from the ABC website because who could ever spell that ever. Also, it was brought to my attention while on the website that he works in finance. HOW BORING. Jean, who is displayed as Jean Blanc, but I think he just wants to be called Jean, feels that cologne is an extension of his outfit. Then Jean says perhaps the most confusing sentence I’ve ever heard when he says that he thinks Becca needs a man who smells good and he’s “going to blow her nose away”. Genuinely wut. 

COLTON! Colton is next and is obviously meant to be a Bachelor Nation favorite. Side note: he used to date Aly Raisman meaning Aly Raisman thought he was cool at one point, so obviously I think Colton is cool. Colton is a former pro football player whose football career ended with an injury - since then he started his own charity for children with cystic fibrosis and ALSO HE HAS A DOG. 

And just like that, it’s time for the night to begin: Becca, looking stunning in her white dress (ps, I’m hoping it’s not the dress she had picked out for her wedding…) pulls up to the mansion. She tells Chris Harrison that her biggest fear in all of this is of history repeating itself, but she wants to follow her gut and she’s hopeful. She also wants to make sure that the next time she gets engaged she and whoever she’s with is 110% committed. We all want that for you, Becks. 

The first limo is here and the first arrival is COLTON! He brings out truly GIANT confetti popper thing and it’s a genuinely cute way to start off the night. Becca even wants to keep the popper which makes me lol because, like, truly where is she going to store it. Grant is next and he’s an electrician and his hair is crazy. He gives her “a lot of respect” for what she just went through, which is, not how that phrase goes. 

Clay walks out and says that he’s “caught a lot of passes in his day”, which isn’t untrue, but I also wouldn’t say “a lot”. If he catches Becca, though, she’d be his biggest catch. Sweet, but again, I think Clay might be dumb. Jean Blanc teaches Becca how to say “Let’s do the damn thing” in French and I thought I would hate it, but I actually loved it! WAY TO PULL IT OFF, JEAN! He walks away and Becca does mention that he smells really good. The man knows his scents!

Connor is next and is very cute, but very short. He gets down on one knee, which, at first, personally offends me, but then I remembered that was Becca’s limo exit, so I guess it’s okay. He asks her if she wants to do the damn thing and I’m already sick of this catchphrase. JOE IS NEXT and he forgot everything he was going to say to her. “What the fuck?” says Joe and so says everyone upon his (spoiler alert) elimination. 

John’s grandma says that love can happen overnight and he also walked the wrong way. Leo’s hair is insane and apparently like Becca’s sister's, Jordan had to literally look down to gather himself but he’s “already having a great time”, and he’s wearing tap shoes?????????  Or was he simply saying that his shoes had a distinct sound? Regardless, Jordan walks into the mansion tap, tap, tapping away to tell the men that he spent 6 HOURS SELECTING HIS OUTFIT. JORDAN, THAT IS SIMPLY TOO MUCH TIME. 

Rickey is cute, so is Alex, and Nick is in a weird race car outfit. MIKE BROUGHT AN ARIE CUT OUT because he wanted Arie to see how happy Becca is with all these other guys. Next is Garrett, a true nightmare, who pulls up in a minivan that is fully equipped with everything they might need when they have kids. It’s very heavy handed. Also, if you’re somehow wondering why I hate Garrett so much, it’s because of this. 

Next is the string of men we’ve met previously on After the Final Rose: First is Blake who is so cute and already has the best chemistry with Becca. I am slightly concerned that he’s maybe 15 years old, but only time will tell. Instead of a horse, this time Blake rides up on an ox. Even Becca is like, “Where is he getting all these animals from??” Lincoln comes out next with a cake because it was his birthday on ATFR, Chase made a “chase” joke and I hated it, Darius is next, and finally Ryan the banjo player is wearing the same jacket sans banjo. 

Christon is next and he’s a former Harlem Globetrotter and he has beautiful eyes. Speaking of beautiful eyes, so does Wills. He’s also a “closet nerd”. Jason’s hair is insanely greasy, Kamil, the Social Media Participant, is only willing to go 60/40 and Jake is, well, Jake is an “acquaintance”. The second he stepped out of the limo I was like “oh wow, Becca already like really has eyes for this guy”, but then I realize that it’s because she’s trying to place him. We’ll see what the story is there in a moment. 

Trent drove up in a hearse, which is precisely the dumbest entrance I’ve ever seen. He brought it because he “literally died” when he found out Becca was the Bachelorette. Ugh. At this point, Jordan can’t stop talking about his disdain for the other men not wearing socks or ties, which, tbh, I thought was a lewk, but Jordan did not agree. 

David is a chicken who I thought I’d hate, but he charmed his way through it, Chris reminds me of Rachel’s Brian and not in a good way. Chris also brings an entire choir who apparently can only handle two-part harmony. Did he write this song? Why does he know the words? Why does Becca eventually know the words? Why does Jordan think it’s a 12 person choir when there are very clearly fewer than 12 people? Questions I doubt I’ll ever find an answer to. But that’s it! Surprisingly those entrances went quick and those are all 28 men vying for Becca’s heart. 

Chris Harrison meets her at the front and she tells him that she thinks the man of her dreams might be in there. Wowowowow. She toasts to getting the night started and indeed they do! Connor grabs her immediately and maybe nothing will ever be funnier than Jordan’s genuine shock: “Did he pop up from the floor this guy?!” He also calls Connor a “smooth criminal”. I love Jordan so much, I hope he wins. Or at least like, stays 2 more weeks so I can laugh at him. Yeah, that seems better. 

Connor has a full on saber to open champagne, which, Becca already had in her hand, but okay. Leo is talking to a few of the guys about how quickly Connor grabbed Becca and he says that “there’s an old real estate term that ‘you never buy your first home’”. Oh, man, just so many things. One: not a “term”. Two: 🆒.  Clay grabs Becca next to, um, play with, um, clay. Guys, I’m genuinely worried about him. 

She talks with John for a moment who HOLY SHIT, INVENTED VENMO. I USE IT EVERY DAY. Also, I’m sure Becca is intimately familiar with the app because, as you’ll remember, dozens, likely hundreds of strangers sent her money to buy herself a drink after the breakup. She donated it to charity, like a true saint. Becca has a very quick conversation with Chris about his grandparents and then Christon takes her outside to show her some Globetrotters moves. He fully dunked by jumping over her, it was honestly insane. The best part is all of the guys just start playing basketball after that and Becca remarks that there are “so many balls”. Well, if that’s not the new tagline, I don’t know what is. 

Rickey dances with Becca, Jean wrote her a poem and had it engraved, and Joe is an incredibly close talker like wow. In hindsight, this may have been what did him in.Also before he was a grocer he sold watermelons? There's gotta be a story in there we're not hearing. Becca and Blake sit down and they have just the most natural chemistry. They also agree that they learned from their past relationships that if they could love the wrong person so much, they can just imagine how much they could love the right person. She and Blake are on the same page and I’m happy for them and also still concerned that he’s a child. 

Lincoln brought Becca a bracelet from Nigeria, another guy brought a weird massager, and she and David do the chicken dance for awhile. Eventually, she and David sit down and surprise, he’s actually very nice and very cute. We cut back to Jordan sitting on the couch next to David and we find out that Jordan both does and does not have a game plan when it comes to talking to Becca. Also David got feathers in his coffee. So. Becca and Garrett go fishing in the pool and are “catching feelings” and oh yeah, Garrett is a nightmare of a person still. He would “fit in so well” with her family and I nearly screamed at my TV to get her out of there before she’s in too deep. 

These men waste no time in starting the drama this season when Chris pulls Blake and Christon aside to ask if he should confront Chase about a text he got from one of Chase’s ex-girlfriends. For some reason, likely because Chris is an insane person, he decides to confront Chase about the fact that he’s not there for the right reasons. Ugh. They walk out to the front of the mansion and Chris tells him that Danielle, his ex-girlfriend, said that he’s not here for the right reasons. “That’s definitely weird” says the guy who just got caught. I don’t quite understand the defense, but Chase chooses now to tell Chris that he’s been watching this show, meaning The Bachelor I would assume, since he was like 20. Mmk. 

Perhaps the weirdest part is next when Chase grabs Becca and instantly decides to tell her about this text message that he has not seen at all? Even she’s like “okay, well what exactly are you denying” and he literally doesn’t know so he GETS UP TO GET CHRIS. It’s insane. Also he goes back and forth with if she was his girlfriend, if they dated for a month, two weeks, if she’s crazy. YOUR STORY DOESN’T LINE UP, BRO. It just is very odd and not helpful for either Chase or Chris. Also why did Chris agree to join this conversation in the first place? 

This conversation then leads Becca to have another uncomfortable conversation with Jake, who she knows from Minneapolis. Okay so we find out that Becca and Jake run in the same group of friends and he’s never shown any interest in her. Jake is very weird and keeps saying that even though Becca remembers meeting him several times, including apparently at a Christmas party, he definitely has only met her once. Or only remembers meeting her once. Guys, is Jake an alcoholic and/or drug addict? My theory further proven by the fact that apparently Jake has had a “very transformative year” and he’s a completely different person. I saw a lot of backlash of like “I met my husband plenty of times before either of us showed any interest” and like, that’s fine, but your husband didn’t literally sign up for a reality show, go through an intense background check, and fly out to LA to finally indicate his interest. Jake was not there for the right reasons and Becca SENT HIS ASS HOME. BAI, JAKE. YOU LOOKED CREEPY ANYWAY. 

Becca walks Jake out and then she rejoins the men to tell them what just happend. I am here for Becca not wasting any time with this. She’s been through enough shit this year, let’s just let her have some honest, good men in the house. 

She and Wills have a quick conversation about his tattoo that says “Expecto Patronus”, which is not a spell in Harry Potter (TRU FANS KNOW), but does mean “waiting for a guardian” in latin. Also I just quickly Google Translated that and it’s, like, not exactly that. Colton and Becca speak briefly and they don’t exactly have instant chemistry, but we still love him. She heads back into the living room where the first impression rose awaits her and I’M LIVID SHE GRABS GARRETT. Goddamnit, I wish I hadn’t known that he was an absolute trash person, but now I know and I cannot even for a second give him the benefit of the doubt. If she doesn’t break the “first impression gets the final rose” spell that has befallen the last 3 bachelorettes, I’ll be more than upset. They kiss and I’m annoyed and GROSS. 

Before we know it, the literal sun is coming up and it’s time for the FIRST ROSE CEREMONY! Congrats to: Lincoln, Blake, Rickey, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent (WHO), Colton, David, Jordan (praisebe), Leo, Mike, and Chris. BAI TO GROCER JOE I’M SO PISSED. Also bai to Kamil, Chase (lol), and plenty of other guys I simply do not remember nor do I care to look up. We will not miss you. Except for Joe. Please come back, Joe!

This season on The Bachelorette: Holy shit. This. Season. Looks. Amazing. They’re somewhere in Asia, Jason and Lincoln get a one-on-ones, she and Colton make out, and there’s a football date. Jean and Blake are falling in love with Becca and Colton is full on IN LOVE with Becca! Also he’s a virgin, so clearly he gets to the fantasy suite. Unfortunately, it looks like Lincoln turns out to be an asshole, Jordan ends up on the two-on-one, and someone ends up in a pool of their own blood. Also, someone breaks her heart and you BEST BELIEVE ALL OF BACHELOR NATION WILL BE COMING FOR THAT MAN, WHOEVER HE MAY BE. I cannot wait. See you next week!