The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 2

I think we can all definitively say that this season will be truly excellent. Nothing makes me more excited than a genuine connection as well as just unnecessary drama between grown adult men. I’m so glad I found this franchise, or really, more accurately, that this franchise found me. This week, we have one of the greatest dates in Bachelor Nation history, Colton has something to get off his chest, and Jordan is walking around naked in a move that could only be described as “professionality”. LET’S DO IT!

Becca is biking around Venice, which is, by the way, like, very far from the mansion. She says that she’s officially dating again! We, unfortunately, get the first balcony scream of the season, which seems quite early, but we’ve got to fit more and more into these episodes nowadays. All of the guys gather in the living room and instantly I’m thrilled because Blake looks like an adult this week. That’s good. Chris Harrison walks in and gives this big speech about how they should all take advantage of any time with Becca that they get because there’s so many of them. It was, like, vaguely threatening? Hey, which Bachelorette do you think is Chris Harrison’s favorite? Like, has he ever accidentally fallen in love and the producers had to just, like, rein him in? I don’t know, it just felt like an aggressive move from him. The first date card shows up: “Clay, Nick, Chris R., David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, Lincoln: I’m ready for my big day…Becca” Okay, first of all, why is he “Chris R.” all of a sudden? Are we calling Christon “Chris” now? Why? Secondly, David, who is reading the card, may not know how to read. 

They all show up at Saddlerock Ranch which is very beautiful and did she dye her hair, like, last night? It seems extremely dark, which I’m into. She tells the guys that she wants to pamper them the way she was pampered on her first date - they walk into Saddlerock into this open room that just has a bunch of tuxes on a clothing rack and a single bottle of champagne chilling on ice. SUCH PAMPERING. So, the guys go on to start changing into their tuxes out in the open, which, they make out to be a big deal, but there didn’t ever seem to be a different alternative? Becca is forced to awkwardly stand there and not watch them change and it’s supposed to be like, sexy and fun I think, but it’s really just awkward and I’m too busy wondering how a single bottle of champagne is supposed to service all nine of them. 

The only sort of interesting moment to come out of the guys changing in front of Becca is that we learn that Becca fully didn’t know that Jordan was a model? “Wait, are you a model?” I’m sorry, but that is definitive PROOF that she did not talk to Jordan night one because there is no way Jordan ever lets anyone leave a conversation with him not knowing that he’s a model. We also see the stunning moment of Jordan’s advice to Becca: 

“Before you put your socks on in the morning or your pantyhose or your shoes on, put your confidence on.” - Jordan, 2018

I love nothing more than the fact that he thinks pantyhose are a modern woman’s choice for everyday wear. 

Once all the men are dressed, they all head out to a field where we meet up with Rachel and Brian. Like, I love Rachel, but these two need to stop trying to remain famous. We find out that they’ll be doing an obstacle course called GROOMSDAY. What’s up with the Bachelor franchise and naming obstacle courses? 

We cut to commercial right here and we get the immense displeasure of seeing this WEIRD Ocean’s 8 promotion with a few former Bachelorettes and Ashley I. It makes literally no sense and I hate it and that’s all. 

Back at the field, Brian and Rachel tell the men about the obstacle course - first, they’ll go through Ball and Chain, Cold Feet is next, followed by the Slippery Slope. Then they’ll go to Get Over Your Exes, move on to Cake Tasting and finally race to the altar for the finale. At this point in my notes, I literally wrote “Brian is just as awful as I remember”. I want more than anything to support Rachel in her life, but, still, a year later, WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US, RACHEL?!?!

Ready, set, start your engines, men! OH SHOOT, WRONG METAPHOR. Anyway, the obstacle course is underway and Lincoln is off to an early start - all of the men pretty much end up in the ice bath aka “Cold Feet” next and Clay is truly just chilling there. He’s in the NFL, lest we forget, and he’s learned how to sit in an ice bath and protect, his, ahem, goods. 

Lincoln jumps out of the ice bath first after vigorously shaking his game night sand timer and Chris is PISSED. Chris will definitely be the guy who’s just pissed at everyone who is not him this season. They move on to the Slippery Slope which seems incredibly fun - at this point, apparently Lincoln heard a voice in his head saying “win win win win win win win win”. That is verbatim. I’m concerned for Lincoln. 

Eventually David catches up to Lincoln - quick reminder David was a chicken night one - but Lincoln pulls it out in the end. He walks down the aisle to find Becca in a wedding dress and proposes with a GIANT ring. Becca doesn’t know where to put the ring, which, surprises me because, like, she should…know…where…to put…the ring. At this point I’m on board with Lincoln so it infuriates me that he fully DIRTIES HER WEDDING DRESS. HASN’T SHE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?

For the cocktail party, Becca is ROCKING a red jumpsuit and stick straight hair. Shout out to the continuity error with her wavy hair in her confessional. Lincoln grabs her first and the rest of the guys, particularly Connor are bent out of shape that someone wants to talk to her? Like, do these men not at all understand the show they signed up for? Lincoln and Becca sit down and he tells her that she brings the best out in him - even she is like “You’ve said that before, what do you mean?” Like, they’ve spent 10 minutes together, that’s not enough time to bring out anything in anyone. OKAY LINCOLN. 

She brings him a photo of the two of them from the obstacle course and I’m kinda pissed because it is a genuinely very cute photo. He’s quite smooth when he goes in for the kiss, but unfortunately he loses any semblance of cool when he says “kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on the wings of Pegasus” and something else, but I stopped listening. Eventually, he makes his way back to the other men with his photo and he just puts it on the table. Honestly, I thought it was a fine thing to do - where else was he gonna put it?

Back at the mansion, date card number 2! “Blake - Let’s lose control…Becca” YES. TEAM BLAKE. YES. Shoutout to Colton: “Don’t come back!”

While most of the men have a stick up their butt about Lincoln’s photo, Chris R., or as I like to call him, Chris, tells Becca that he wants to treat the woman he wants to marry the way he treats his mom and his sister. Nick wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now, David wants to be pushed intellectually, and Clay wants to build a relationship with her. 

Now, Connor. Connor is a mess. Connor is so unbelievably offended by a simple photo that he initially puts the photo face down, then places it behind a couch, then THROWS it full speed into the pool. Perhaps my favorite part about this entire ordeal is the sound effect of glass shattering only to find out that the photo landed in the pool, which as we all know, would make a distinct “plop”. It’s pure drama and I’m equally entertained and completely annoyed. 

We move on from the drama for a moment to find Jordan wearing fully plaid pants while Lincoln reveals that he was so excited to show the photo to his mom and his heart is broken! I find it hard to believe that Lincoln’s first and only thought was “I can’t wait to show my mom”. Also, if a photo of a woman you just met breaks your heart, I’m concerned.

Luckily, we get a respite from the photo drama to spend a little time with Jean Blanc. He’s an actual star - he’s incredibly sweet and ready to focus on his personal life. He’s looking for the missing puzzle piece of his life and Becca tells him that he’s really good at eye contact. She appreciates a wink he gave her during the obstacle course, which I would have LOVED TO SEE, EDITORS! Jean likes to make women feel special and he says that the only thing nicer than her smile is her lips. DAMN, JEAN. They end with a kiss and I intensely respect Becca’s willingness to try a kiss with as many of the guys as she can. 

Back with the photo drama, Clay doesn’t respect what Connor did. NO ONE DOES, CLAY. Lincoln is standing on the stairs waiting for Becca - they sit down and he tells her about Connor and he apparently feels threatened physically? Dude. Chill. Becca is disappointed in Connor and his aggressive reaction to such a dumb thing. I’m not disappointed as much as annoyed beyond belief. 

Becca grabs Connor and basically tells him that she doesn’t want to deal with bullshit like this so early on. Also, clearly he’s an aggressive person, this isn’t exactly a fluke. That’s honestly the end of the night - we don’t get to see conversations she has with the other, like, 5 men that were on this group date. Luckily, Jean walks away with the group date rose and we can all rest easy knowing that Lincoln, nor Connor, benefitted from their tiny fits. 

Back at the mansion, Lincoln sits down with three men who were not on the date with him and cries about his experience. Colton “could see the look on his face” during the whole thing, which, uh, no he couldn’t because, he, uh, WASN’T THERE. Jason calls out Lincoln for his odd accent, but that’s about it. 

FINALLY it’s time to hang out with Blake! It’s Blake’s first time in a limo, because, as we all remember, he rode an OX on the way into the first night. Becca is a little nervous about this date because she was so frustrated with the group date the night before. She tells him that she doesn’t even know what their date is going to be because “Chris Harrison is taking over”. 

They show up in the middle of downtown and Chris Harrison is standing there with a sledgehammer, but mostly what I’m focused on is THEIR SIZING IS ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. Blake must be an absolutely giant man because Becca is quite tall, and yet she appears to perfectly fit in his nook. Chris Harrison removes an actual plastic sheet to reveal some jumpsuits and Timberlands for them to wear. 

They walk into this creepy warehouse to find ALL OF BECCA’S MEMORIES. In addition to these horrible memories of Arie, including the grey couch, LIL JON IS THERE. WHY? WE CAN NEVER BE SURE. Basically, they get to just absolutely destroy everything about Arie including an actual race car. This is the BEST date of all time - from Lil Jon playing just one song, to aquariums being destroyed for god knows what reason, to Blake smashing the shit out of everything he’s going to have to deal with at dinner. I love it so, so much. 

Blake’s favorite part of the day was watching how happy Becca was and I’M OBSESSED WITH BLAKE. LIKE THEY’RE ALREADY SO COMFORTABLE WITH EACH OTHER. They head to dinner at the Warwick, where apparently Dean Unglert has been kicked out of according the Becca Tilley on Instagram. They’re sore from all the smashing, which I’ll decline to comment on. Heheh. 

Becca tells Blake that she was so open and ready to commit during The Bachelor and she’s already back in that headspace. He tells her that he was in a similar situation where he fell in love really fast and thought he’d found the woman he was going to marry. It didn’t feel completely right, though, and he eventually read her texts to find out that the girl had planned to break up with him. A little concerned about his text reading habits, but we’ll deal with that when they’re engaged. 

For the final date card: “Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Chris, Trent, Leo, Wills, Colton: Love comes at you hard and fast…Becca”. So Jason and Mike are not on a date this week, which is completely fine because I already forgot about them. 

Becca tells Blake that she appreciates that she feels like herself and not just The Bachelorette when she’s with him. Everything feels natural and easy for the two of them and she “loves their story” so far. YES. He helped her get back up on that horse! Today exceeded her expectations, and tbh, it exceeded mine, too. He gets the rose and I’m obsessed with his “Yes. Every time, yes.” response to “Will you accept this rose?” They’re just a great fit. AND. SHOUT. OUT. TO. THE. MAKING. OUT. AGAINST. THE WALL. YES, BECCA, YOU RECLAIM THAT ARIE MOVE! They’re clearly, just, very into each other. The season is over as far as I’m concerned. 

For the group date, the men show up at a school and inside the school’s gym are literal children playing dodgeball. They’re going to be training for a dodgeball game? match? Whatever you call a dodgeball matchup, they’ll be doing that later today. The children are ruthless and make them instantly do suicides the second they walk into the gym. Also these men are forced to catch dodgeballs that are flying directly at them at 100 MPH. LIKE HOLY SHIT. They have a little “scrimmage” and Becca’s on one of the teams that all just decide to hide behind her because they don’t think any of the guys would throw a ball at her. Surprise: Chris, or as I like to call him, Christon, throws a ball directly at her to get her out. 

I thought that was going to be the end of the date, but no, they go to a literal ARENA to play this dodgeball game on trampolines. Fred Willard is there for truly some inexplicable reason. Perhaps it’s to help erase the memory of the date he was on last season with the dogs that I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND. 

It’s a best two out of three matchup and it’s a genuinely tough game. Leo is killing it and just constantly ends up as the only one left on his team. It looks good there for awhile, but in the end, it was the Green Frogs who came out on top. Wait, they named the teams? What was the pink team’s name? WE’LL NEVER KNOW!

Perhaps the line of the season goes to someone I did not actually see when they show up to the cocktail party with the trophy on the table: “Before we go any farther, are you guys okay with the trophy sitting there?” YES, WHOEVER YOU ARE, YES! Second to that incredible line is Alex who tells Becca that she has her shit together and he “doesn’t normally go up to girls who have their shit together”. COME AWN, SELF AWARENESS. 

Becca says that today’s date is no drama, unlike the last group date. JUST YOU WAIT, GURL. Garrett and Becca sit by the pool in simply the worst lighting and I still hate him. Garrett says that Becca is the girl version of him and I whole-heartedly disagree. Christon was keeping Becca on her toes, Leo is an unexpected choice for her, and Wills is very smooth. He ends up telling Becca about the love his has for his grandparents and she’s weirdly super into it. They kiss for, like, awhile and then he gives her his jacket. 

Meanwhile, Colton is nervous about talking to Becca because he apparently has something he needs her to know - he and Becca sit down and just immediately it’s revealed that HE USED TO DATE TIA. Okay, so let me break down why this is a big deal: Tia was 100% the frontrunner to be The Bachelorette if Arie hadn’t broken up with Becca. Also Becca and Tia are legit besties. Also Tia and Becca are very different people. Also casting for The Bachelorette was happening exactly when this alleged fling happened. All of these things contribute to Becca rightfully feeling like maybe Colton didn’t show up for her. Yes, the edit makes it seem like she’s making a big deal out of nothing, but like, she has a right to feel like the timing of all of this is a little weird. What isn’t clear is how long he and Tia “dated” - we know from the super tease that Colton is a virgin and the way he talks about it, it makes it seem like maybe they just hung out for a single night, but it’s all a little up in the air. She basically leaves the conversation not kissing him, but telling him that she’s super attracted to him. I’m still a fan of Colton, but it is weird. 

Wills ends up with the group date rose, which I’m okay with, but Becca does not seem to be in a good place for the rest of the night. She’s questioning everything and doesn’t have hope in many of them. Yikes. 

For the cocktail party, Becca says that already on week 2, this is more emotional than she thought. Everything about the group dates left her feeling down and she already feels like she’s losing trust. THINK OF BLAKE, BECCA, THINK OF BLAKE. Regardless, she’s killing it in a blue sparkly dress and tells the men that she wants to use tonight because there have been some “discoveries” this week. TRU. 

She and Clay perform a touchdown dance and kiss, John is very sweet, but certainly won’t last, and Connor brings his own framed photo to explain that his behavior was not indicative of his actual personality. Mmmk. She lets her throw the photo in the pool, which, admittedly, seems cathartic. 

Last week, as we’ll all remember, Jordan was PISSED at just about everyone for not wearing socks or a tie, and yet, Jordan shows up in no tie, and then suddenly, he just strips down to his underwear? It’s very, uh, unnecessary. Jordan walks through the mansion in his boxer briefs and the men call him a “grape smuggler” which makes me LOL. He makes his way to interrupt David and Becca because of course. 

They sit down inside on a couch and Jordan tells her that he doesn’t want her to misinterpret him as “007” all the time. Literally wut. He says that his hair will always be pretty well kept, but he knows how to have fun. HOW ARE THESE THINGS MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. Basically Jordan spends his time telling Becca that he’s comfortable in his own skin. He also says that he’s “multidimensional” and not “just some guy with hair”. LOL. Becca manages to get out of there just barely having to touch Jordan. Good for her. 

Jordan and David have a small spat of which the main takeaway is just that Jordan says that wearing his underwear is not him trying to get attention. Lol. David, meanwhile, claims to be “very articulate” with his words - his words apparently include “ingenuinity”, you know, the classic not-a-word. 

It starts raining and Becca meets Colton who offers his jacket to cover her from the elements. They sit down and she’s still, like, not into this whole situation. He tells her that he respects her feelings about everything, but he wants to her to know that the reason that he’s here is because he wants to get to know Becca. She’s already emotional about their relationship and tells him that she sees something in him, but it’s hard for her because she doesn’t want to invest in this until she has more clarity. Then she says that if he senses her holding back, it’s because she is. Yeesh. 

Rose ceremony time! Congrats to: Chris R. (aka Chris), Jason (why), John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Ryan, Christon, Jordan, Lincoln, and Colton. Look, we knew Colton was going to be here for awhile because, as we’ve discussed, literally everything was spoiled in the super tease. Bai to Alex, Rickey, and Trent! I literally don’t remember any of you anyway! Alex starts crying and it’s all too emotional. 

Next week on The Bachelor: Football date! Chris R., aka Chris, gets a one-on-one, and TIA IS ON THE NEXT EPISODE. Also, someone gets taken away in an ambulance, but don’t worry it’s not Blake. TEAM BLAKE. See ya next week!