The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 3

Tonight on The Bachelorette: A football date! TIA’S HERE! And more medical evacuations in one week than in most full seasons of survivor. So much to get to - let’s jump in!

It was raining this week, which is interesting because this year was really not at all rainy in LA, but okay. All the guys are getting along in the house with the exception of Jordan. David is still mad that Jordan went around the rose ceremony in his underwear, but whatever. According to Jordan, David just spends his days making scrambled eggs (PS the shot of how he is making his scrambled eggs is GROSS, he’s not a great chef). The one thing Jordan and I can agree on, though, is that David has no sense of humor. 

Colton and Chris sit down and Colton explains that once he and Becca move past all of the Tia drama, they’ll be able to take their relationship to the next level. Colton’s been frustrated so far with how this has just not allowed them to progress. 

Chris Harrison walks in and says that this week there are going to be two group dates and one one-on-one date. Weirdly he says that “Whoever gets the one-on-one…enjoy”. Uh, is that a threat? He hands them the first date card: “Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, Colton: It’s time to relax…Becca”. Yesssss, Colton is excited to be on this group date and wants the chance to get to know Becca. Then he weirdly says “If I were a betting man, I think this will be the beginning of something great, and I’m a betting man.” Weird bookends to that sentence, but okay. 

We see Becca getting ready for her date and she says that she’s enjoying her time with these guys and is ready to move these relationships forward. She hears a knock at the door and in walks Kendall, Sienne, Bekah, Tia, and Caroline - YAHS. They’re here to meet some of the guys and help Becca figure everything out. She tells them that the guys don’t know they’re going to be there today and also, she subtly turns to Tia and says that Colton is going to be on the date. Tia tells all the girls that she and Colton dated before Arie’s season even aired and they broke up when he found out he was going on The Bachelorette. Seinne asks Becca if it’s something that she feels like she can move past and Becca honestly says that if this weren’t even a thing, she would be super into Colton. She wants to talk to Tia one-on-one today about it, but mostly she just wants to make sure that Colton is really there for her and not for Tia. 

The girls head to a spa and all get in robes and Becca goes to meet the guys outside. She tells them all that she has some friends here today and all the guys are going to be pampering them - all fine and dandy until we do a pass through the hallways of this spa and it’s janky as hell. Seriously, where is this place and why is it so low budget? The boys make their way down the hallway and around the corner sit all the girls. Genuinely, I mean, genuinely, you can see “Oh shit” in Colton’s eyes. “This is one of my worst nightmares that played out.” Honestly, I feel you Colton, but I’m glad there were cameras for this. 

All the guys and all the girls great each other and it’s basically just them figuring out who’s going to be on Paradise that they can keep an eye out for - Becca introduces all the girls first and then goes down the line to introduce the guys and OH NO, SHE FULLY FORGETS JASON’S NAME. POOR JASON. They hug it out and move forward and she sends the guys to get changed into this janky spa’s uniform. 

Jason and Colton sit by a JANKY WATERFALL - have I said enough how janky this place is - and talk about “the elephant in the room”. It really was clearly awkward between Tia and Colton and, honestly, they clearly still like each other, but whatever. Colton ends up saying that he’s “grateful” that Tia is there, and I don’t fully understand, but hopefully this means that this is the last week they’ll have to deal with drama about it. 

They all go back into that same tiny ass room they met everyone in and there’s like outdoor chairs and buckets and the guys are giving the girls massages and pedicures and manicures and it’s just one of the weirder dates I’ve ever seen. Eventually, Becca starts to pain the guys’ nails and Jason especially loves his nails. Kendall says that she’s paying attention to the guys that take extra time to pamper Becca since they’re there for her. Unprompted, Becca says she’s glad she shaved her legs today - LOL I FEEL U GURL. 

Becca grabs Tia and Colton looks legitimately TERRIFIED. They sit down on a tiny couch in this weird spa and Tia tells her that the most they ever did was kiss - they never even had an established conversation about what they were. Colton did tell her very quickly after meeting her that he applied for the show. Here’s where it gets interesting because Becca asks Tia if she thinks that he applied hoping she’d be the Bachelorette and literally Tia says “probably” before she can correct herself and say “possibly”. I just feel like Tia’s not over him, but who knows. Becca is apparently really glad that she and Tia had that conversation, but truly nothing was accomplished - it’s like they just said what they were thinking but made no actual movement forward. Becca’s main focus is just finding out if Colton is there for her and if she finds out he isn’t, she’s going to send him home. Am I the only one still wondering how these two ever met in the first place? Final word on this really, but Raven kinda went off on Twitter with extremely vague tweets alluding to the fact that Colton was still into Tia but it just seemed extremely petty and another way for her to stay relevant. I love Raven, but it’s already pretty well established that, yes, she and Tia are friends, but like they’re not best friends and she probably has little to know information about her relationship with Colton. But, I digress. 

For the cocktail party, Becca says that she needs to sit down and talk to Colton because she still has reservations. The guys are all there waiting for Becca and Jason tells them all that they should just keep it light for the rest of the night and Jean agrees. Becca walks in and she asks to see all of their nails - shoutout to Jean for the SMOOTHEST move ever when he asks to see her hand and then fully just grabs her hand to go talk to her alone. Good on you, bud. 

They sit down and Jean tells Becca that all her friends are so protective of her and they think so highly of her. Then he just pulls out a head massager, the same kind he used earlier in the day, and Becca just assumes he stole it? It was a very weird move for him just to prove that he owns a head massager? Back with the other guys, Jordan says that he feels great after rubbing Becca’s feet today and “it was awesome to feel her dissolve in her chair”. GROSS. 

Becca grabs Jason and tells him that she thinks he’s cute and has a little crush on him. Jason and I are both clutching our pearls at that. She does, thank god, apologize for forgetting his name and he’s literally the most gracious human. He says that she said it to the exact right guy because he has thick skin and he knows she was going through a lot and had just introduced Colton. He didn’t even think twice about it and honestly I think I’m in love with Jason? She kisses him and they’re both very into it and we find out that Jason is very selective with who his life partner will be and I LOVE JASON I GUESS. 

Back with the rest of the guys we find out that Jordan got a notification from Tinder that told him that he reached 4000 matches in 2017. LOLOLOLOLOL. He goes on to explain that he’s very selective on his swipes and literally everyone is like “k, but you must have spent a lot of time on Tinder if you got that many matches” and he’s just like “No, I didn’t even go on every day, but I had 100% success rate”. It’s literally one of my favorite conversations to date, but not for the reason that David thinks. David seems to think this will be a devastating bit of information for Becca to find out, but me and the rest of the guys are just like, this is absurd and dumb and funny. 

David and Becca sit down and OF COURSE he just uses his time to tell her about all of Jordan’s Tinder matches and then he literally has the audacity to say that he’s “not one to throw people under the bus”. UM. I can’t even remember why he said this, but Jordan goes on to describe David as someone who has a “silver spoon hanging out of [his] ass”, which is not at all a cliche, but is incredibly gross. Shoutout to Becca who ends up back with all the guys, raises her hand to Jordan and says: “Hey Jordan, 4000 matches, high five, bud, that’s a good streak!” BECCA IS KWEEN. 

There’s even more content about this damn Tinder thing including Jordan calling David “the skeleton of a man” and toasts to him being a bitch. David, again, seems to think he’s in on the joke and says that even though the other guys weren’t speaking, he thinks he speaks on the behalf of the other guys. NO, DUDE, YOU DON’T. 

Jordan takes the time to talk to Becca about what just went down and she’s just like “I just think it’s funny, it’s fine”. They sit down and Becca wants to know what kind of partner Jordan is in a relationship and he literally describes himself as a Golden Retriever, which is, of course, offensive to the greatest dogs on earth. But what he really means is apparently he’s loyal and dependable, which I find, honestly, not that hard to believe. I can’t imagine he has much more going on in his life. 

We have to go back to the damn couches to talk about Tinder again and it’s the same fight again, but the only upside is Jason and Wills hiding behind their cocktails, pillows, and their own jackets to stifle their laughter during this dumb fight. We do get the gem of: “Attached to me is professionality, is my face”, but I think what really takes the cake is Jason at, finally, the end of the fight with “That was fucking awesome” and a hearty chuckle. I love Jason and Wills. 

Back at the mansion - date card time! “Chris - let’s make your heart sing…Becca”. Garrett wanted the one-on-one, but WHO CARES YOU’RE A BAD PERSON. 

Colton and Becca sit down and finally he says with his words that he does not have feelings for Tia anymore and seeing her today didn’t stir anything up. I think just hearing that made Becca feel okay about clearly being super attracted to this guy. He tells her that there’s a lot that he wants her to know about him and it was important for him to start this relationship with honesty because he knows she didn’t have that in her last relationship. He finally gets a kiss and Becca flees immediately. Hope he doesn’t take it personally? But actually, she’s going to grab the rose and my heart flutters when we see that he couldn’t even wait to see her again and was in the hallway to meet her and grab her and kiss her, rose in hand. They sit down again and she says that she’s excited to finally get the chance to get to know him and she’s looking forward to their story. He “without a doubt” accepts the rose. GOOD FOR YOU, COLTON. (Sorry, Tia!)

Time for Chris’ one-on-one which I already have mixed feelings about - reminder he was the guy night one who decided it was the perfect time to say someone wasn’t there for the right reason. Also, Becca’s shirt is extremely questionable. They drive extremely near to my apartment and end up at the Capitol Records building. Fun! Also Chris didn’t know what building it was? Like, it’s an iconic building? I’m very confused? 

They walk into a studio and Richard Marx is playing the piano? I might just use question marks for all the sentences about this date? We’ll see? Richard Marx, who Chris clearly does not know, asks Becca to sit at the piano with him and Richard, unfortunately, asks Becca to sing. IT. WAS. A MISTAKE. The girl is great, but damn is her voice bad. They move from the piano to just some benches and Richard Marx offers some non-specific love advice! He then tells them that for the date they’re going to be writing their own love song today. Me and Chris are both like WTF and Becca is weirdly cool with it. I would run so far away if this was my first date with someone. 

Becca and Chris split up to write their lyrics, which seems counterproductive, but okay. We find out that Becca is apparently an actual lyricist and Chris is definitely not. He’s in the hallways struggling because his parents got a divorce when he was young and he didn’t have a relationship with his dad. Like, I understand that those are trying times, but truly what does that have to do with anything? Becca goes and finds him in the hallway and they sit and talk about how hard it is to be vulnerable - she promises that they’ll do this together and somehow she was able to take away all his stress and worry. 

The next 4 minutes are potentially the most embarrassing of anyone’s lifetime ever and Becca is forced to recite her lyrics to Chris first. They’re extremely vague and truly you could pop in anyone else’s name and I think we can use this for the finale, too. Chris’ lyrics are more specific referencing the first night in the limo and her eyes like four different times. Richard Marx slow claps for Chris’ lyrics and it’s extremely hard to tell if he’s being sarcastic or not. Richard takes the opportunity to write some music for their “wonderful” lyrics and Becca and Chris just literally dance around the studio. I cannot possibly imagine feeling comfortable during even one second of this date, but these two are just totally fine with it. 

The final date card arrives! “Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake: We can tackle anything together…Becca” FOOTBALL DATE TIME. Randomly, Jordan decides now is the time to ask Colton something about he and Tia and Colton immediately shuts it down. The timing is weird, Jordan just wants to start a fight, and I’m not into it. 

For Chris and Becca’s dinner, they head to an unidentified place in Downtown LA - Becca wants to use tonight to find out why the day was so hard for Chris. She makes a quick joke about how her vocals could use some work (at least she knows) and then asks him what was so difficult about writing those lyrics today. Chris tells her that when he was 7, his dad left so it was just his mom and his sisters for most of his life. Five years ago, he wrote a letter to his dad to reach out, but he literally just never heard anything back. Yikes. Becca is glad that he was able to open up and says that that situation seems like probably the “worst sense of pain and abandonment someone could feel”. It is pretty devastating, but I’m just over Chris I think.

She gives him a rose because, imagine not giving him a rose after he literally just told a story about someone abandoning him and not reciprocating feelings, and then she grabs him real hard to kiss him. I really am not understanding the attraction she has, but also I think she 1. loves to kiss, and 2. I think he might be really attractive in person. Though, I’m not sure. 

They walk into a ballroom with an extremely busy carpet and Richard Marx is there playing. Truly this guy just had nothing else going on today did he? They dance and kiss in front of Richard, again, and I just really, really would love a confessional of Richard and his full experience on this date. 

Back at the mansion, something crazy is going down - apparently they found David lying on the ground with blood everywhere. We see him being taken away on a stretcher and Lincoln apparently doesn’t know if he’s going to make it? 

The next morning, all the guys talk about what happened the night before - apparently a few of them woke up to Blake screaming David’s name. We cut to Becca’s room and Chris Harrison knocks on the door - he sits her down and says there was an “incident” at the house last night and David is in intensive care with a busted nose and a busted face. Becca, like many of us, assumed someone had done that to him (He’d honestly be the first person most people would punch), but no, Chris says, while trying not to laugh, that he fell out of bed and landed on his face. Becca was already covering her mouth, so luckily she was able to hide her laughter, too. Chris lets her use his phone, it seems, to call the hospital and she basically just wishes him well and says that she’ll see him soon. Jason and Wills hiding behind anything to cover laughter is a true mood and it’s out in full force again with this situation. 

Back at the mansion, Jordan is “David proofing” the beds by putting rails on all the top bunks. Lololol. The guys jokingly think that Jordan pushed David out of bed and honestly, I kinda wish that did happen, it would be a way better story than a GROWN MAN FALLING OUT OF A BUNK BED. 

Football date time! They get to this field and there’s a tiny little marching band and Becca comes running out wearing a jersey with a number 14 - it takes me too long to realize that’s the season number. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Becca tells the guys that two women from the “Legends Football League” is here, which, idk what that is but they have super sexist uniforms. These two women, Dina and Malissa, take the guys through some drills, but not before we see all of them try to put on their pads and fail. 

Lincoln is objectively bad, Connor could get his ass kicked by these girls, and honestly some of these guys are super impressive. Everyone is obsessed with Clay and how good he is, but like, I would hope so? Dina and Malissa tell the guys that they’ll be playing a game in front of a live audience and then we cut to the guys who are all wearing these weird, like, not at all regulation football helmets? 

This game is known as the “Becca Bowl” and somehow ABC got Keyshawn Johnson to drive out to a Los Angeles suburb to commentate on this fake football game. What, Fred Willard was busy? The guys are getting suited up in the locker room and they’re all like, comically, up for this game. 

The game starts with, unfortunately, a pretty impressive kick from Garrett and then instantly we see Lincoln being bad at football again. Christon is crazy fast and his team, the White team, is destroying. Honestly, everyone is pretty good, with the exception of Lincoln who literally doesn’t even know when they’re playing offense or defense. 

Eventually the Blue team comes within striking distance and Clay turns up the heat - he ends up making a final run into the end zone to end the game in a tie, but not without hurting his wrist. We find out that he apparently has to go to the hospital and I just can’t believe we have 2 medical evacs in the same episode, let alone in one season. The guys, and Becca, all just want Clay to be healthy. 

For the cocktail party, they go to Bigdaddy’s, which seems to be some kind of antique shop? We find out that Clay won’t be able to make it tonight. Oh well! Garrett and Becca talk first and Becca tells him that he does well on group dates. Then, they just proceed to grab each other? It’s weird and I still don’t like him and it’s dumb that she likes him. 

Blake is having a rough time at this date - normally he considers himself a confident guy, but that’s all gone out the window and he doesn’t want to share Becca. I DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO SHARE HER EITHER, BUD! He and Becca sit down and he tells her that it’s been a pretty hard day and she says that she just wants to take a nap with him. He wants to just cuddle up with his girlfriend and watch a scary movie. HE CALLED HER HIS GIRLFRIEND! These two really love kissing each other and I love them and I refuse to look at spoilers this season, but if this does not go my way, I’ll be upset. 

Surprisingly, Clay does make it back to the cocktail party and he’s in a full sling. At least he knows the comedy when he says “I got hurt playing football on The Bachelorette - that’s pretty funny.” Becca walks in and sees him and he fully tells her that his wrist might be broken. DUDE, GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL. The two of them sit down and she says he did great today at not being intimidating to the other guys. Mmk. They kiss and she clearly doesn’t like kissing him as much as she does Blake. JUST END THE SEASON GUYS, COME ON. They all head back together and she ends up giving the group date rose to Clay, which, I mean, good, and SHE PINS IT ON HIS SLING lololololol. 

Rose ceremony night! Nick, whoever that is, is feeling anxious because he didn’t get to go on a date this week. Uh, yeah, bud, you should feel nervous. NO ONE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE. Becca walks in in red again and toasts with a glass that seems to be ONLY ice based on the pure clink I’m hearing through her entire speech. 

Connor steals Becca first and says that clearly he doesn’t play football, but he has played baseball his whole life so he set up a little t-ball diamond and it’s actually quite endearing. Jason says he can’t stop smiling when he’s with Becca! Becca in general is much more hopeful and excited this week and she feels like her future husband is in this group of guys. 

Clay is back, this time without a sling, and he’s just found out that he needs to have surgery on his wrist. After a brief discussion with some of the guys, he and Becca sit down and he explains that playing football allows him to take care of his family. He wants to stay, but he knows he has to leave. He’s convinced that he 100% would have fallen in love with Becca if he would have stayed, and honestly, I don’t doubt him. Look, I know I’ve given Clay some shit for being stupid, but this is just a genuinely shitty decision. Do I think he would have won? Definitely not. But do I think he would have fallen in love and been a genuinely nice guy to Becca the whole time? Probably. They walk outside and he has to hand her back the rose and she’s surprisingly pretty emotional about it. She says that she had just found a spark with Clay and feels like they were finally getting somewhere. She has nothing left - she’s done. 

Next week on The Bachelorette: Becca’s walls are going back up, David returns, and they’re headed to Park City, UT! Wills and Garrett get some alone time, Colton has lost respect for someone, and Becca is PISSED! Can’t wait!