The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 4

Tonight, on The Bachelorette: we have to withstand an entire date from a proven racist and terrible person, Jean takes it back, and Wills makes me oddly emotional. Never has a recap been so driven by the hatred I have for some of these men, but there’s a first time for everything! Let’s jump into it!

So, it feels like it’s been so long since the last week that I fully forgot Clay went home, leaving his rose behind. Also forgot that we still didn’t have a rose ceremony. We’re still at the cocktail party, or at least most of us are - Blake and Becca are upstairs in the forbidden bedrooms having a chat about how many kids they want. They’re both fine with 3, but Blake is more of a 3-5 kids kinda guy, which is both surprising and not surprising at all. They also both love boy’s names for girls - she likes Stevie and he likes Charlie. I love them together just so much. If I get burned at the end of this season by a Blake/Garrett match up and it doesn’t go my way, I’ll seriously consider throwing in the towel on this franchise - a veiled threat I’ve made probably 14 times in the past. 

Jordan is still taking up way too much real estate on my television and he claims that he “talks to God every day and people who go against him end up hurt sometimes”. Now, I’m not exactly sure what God Jordan thinks he’s talking to, but I guarantee at least every God I’ve ever heard of would probably not be on Jordan’s team. His mention of “people who go against him” is, of course, a reference to David who, as we remember, FELL OFF A BED. 

In this middle of Jordan’s conversation with Becca during which he ends up with gold underwear and decides that apparently she has his “groin on her mind”, David walks back into the house looking rough. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it was both way worse and way better than I thought it would be. Truly, what was the angle at which he fell so that the top of his cheek and his nose were broken? But also his teeth look screwed up? I NEED A MATHEMATICIAN TO HELP ME DEDUCE HIS TRAJECTORY. 

Becca walks in and immediately grabs David to talk to him - they sit down and genuinely, I mean, genuinely, he’s so high right now. This man has so many drugs coursing through his body, it’s a true miracle that he is up and having this conversation. They don’t even really talk about anything before Becca gets up, grabs a rose, and tells him that she feels right in her heart moving forward with David. I mean, how could she not. She sends him up to bed to rest so that he doesn’t have to stand through the entire rose ceremony, which is, objectively, the right thing to do, but I also definitely want to see him have to stand through the entire thing. 

Time for the real Rose Ceremony: Becca is ready to do this and ride the waves. Congrats to: Jason, Wills, Nick (What am I missing here about his track suit?), Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, and Jean. Bai to Ryan, Mike, and yes, of course, Clay from last week’s episode. I literally forgot about Ryan, which is sad, because I thought they had great chemistry on After the Final Rose. Mike is only a man bun and I will literally forget his name, face, and every single thing about him in about 40 minutes. 

They’re heading to Park City, Utah this week, which Becca describes as “America’s most exclusive winter wonderland”. I thought Bachelor Winter Games was?? 🤔🤔🤔 Becca is super excited about this week because everything is so “fresh” in Utah. We do not get a date card to intro that Garrett is getting a one-on-one first - Becca shows up to the boys’ cabin and we find out that apparently Jordan slept in his gold underwear and then Becca and Garrett leave for their date! It’s very weird. 

They walk around Park City and for some reason end up in an alpaca store, which I didn’t know existed. They’re dressing up and being “goofy” and all I can think about is WHERE did they get this digital camera that is certainly circa 2004 for these selfies? Becca says that Garrett is very attractive - okay, brief pause here to ask the genuine question: is he though? I mean, I know I hate him for everything he believes and I think he’s an all around bad person, but like, he’s also just not very attractive, right??? They end up at a little cafe and do these little wellness shots for some reason? 

Back at the guys’ cabin, the most amazing thing is happening: 13 grown, adult men are entertaining a conversation with another grown, adult man who believes the Earth is flat. I just. In the sixteen years of this show’s franchise history, I never - truly never - thought I’d see the day. Lincoln is convinced that we’re not falling off the Earth simply because of “friction” - he also wants an astrophysicist to give him a call, which, I really, really want to happen. 

John and Jean, the duo I didn’t know I wanted to see, sit down and talk about how they both really want a one-on-one date. Jean, specifically, senses something brewing this week. YA DON’T SAY, BUDDY?!

Becca and Garrett apparently have more planned for the date and they take a ski lift up to a bobsled course! I’m so pissed because this date is so cool and I wish it were happening with a cool guy! At the top of the course (track? route? thing?), they meet up with two silver medalists who tell them that bobsled is all about working together and being in sync - the two of them were so in sync that now they’re married and have 2 beautiful children! Garrett is a bad person and I want to give him a chance, but I was definitely 100% studying his face to see if he flinched at being around lesbians. He did. WATCH IT AGAIN, HE’S A BAD PERSON. 

They get in the bobsled and go down the track (I settled on track) at 65mph and it looks so, so fun. I would like to do that now, please. Becca is the queen of analogies and says that this journey is just like bobsledding: “You have to be fast, you have to be precise, and you have to be ready for the curves.” YES, BECCA. 

Garrett says that he’s on Cloud 10 with Becca and she feels like they’ve been really in sync all day. She also says that her feelings for Garrett are coming on quickly and I just want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her real hard! They head to dinner at the Big Moos Yacht club and Becca says that on a scale of 1 to 10, today was a 10. She “trusts Garrett so completely” and can see him at the end of this. 

She proceeds to tell Garrett that he reminds her a little of her dad, to which he replies “okay”. SWOON! Then we really get into the nitty gritty - she convinces Garrett to open up a little bit by asking about his previous relationships. HOLY SHIT, HE WAS MARRIED. Y’all, I was NOT expecting that bomb to be dropped. He and his EX-WIFE were together a year and a half before they got engaged, were engaged for a year, then got divorced after TWO MONTHS. WOAH. TWO. MONTHS. Becca becomes understandably nervous and I’m just over here like: “WAS IT BECAUSE HE’S A BAD PERSON??????”

Date card time! Or! Just kidding! It’s just a reading of names! “Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, Jean Blanc…” They really, truly, never finish the date card. WTF. I’m obsessed with Wills though: “My name is Wills and I’m going on a one-on-one date with Becca.” He’s precious. 

Back with the divorced guy, Garrett asks Becca what scares her the most about him. She kinda vaguely says, “uh, like, everything you just told me?” Here’s where I even start to hate Garrett more: he instantly launches into an explanation for why it fell apart because his now ex-wife was apparently emotionally abusive and put a wedge between him and his family and friends. Literally 0% responsibility for anything in the relationship. I’m not saying that she wasn’t, but I am saying that I don’t fully trust Garrett and this is yet another sign that he’s up to no good. Additionally, he literally uses the word “bloodline” to describe his family. Now, again, I know I’m coming from a place of knowing that he’s a white nationalist with homophobic and transphobic tendencies, but like, that’s a red flag. 

It genuinely does surprise me how much Becca is smitten with him - he just seems genuinely boring. But, regardless, he gets a rose and the two of them head out to a concert with Granger Smith, who has the stage presence of, well, me at age 14. They make out on stage in front of what seems to be the entire population of Park City, UT and Garrett says that he can already imagine proposing to Becca. GROSS. 

Time for the group date! There will be 13 men on this date, which is objectively, too crowded. Shoutout to Blake for running up and hugging her first and a FOLLOW UP SHOUT OUT TO JOHN FOR SNEAKILY GRABBING HER HAND TO HOLD. This date is titled “Becca’s Big Lumberjack Bash” - how pissed do you think the producers were that they couldn’t come up with a synonym for Lumberjack that started with “B”? Again, for this date, there is a married couple there to impart the wisdom of their sport as well as prove that anyone can find love anywhere. The guys learn to split wood, well, Jean, Lincoln, and Chris don’t really, but the rest of the guys do! Becca throws an ax and holy shit, she’s actually great at it. Jason is scared shitless as they have to just flip a giant log and my man, John, is killing it! 

There’s a team challenge to win Becca, even though, we’ll find out in just a second that they don’t win her? I don’t know, they had to do so much editing during this portion of the date because of the length of the cocktail party that night that I genuinely am not even sure if it was a competition at all. All I know is at the end we got to see Blake climb a giant pole and I’m glad for it. John comes away with the “Golden Ax” and we find out that Jean got Becca a special gift for tonight. Hmm. 

For the cocktail party, Jason and Becca talk first and he tells her that he’s nervous around her because he cares about her. He’s going to embrace his emotions and put himself out there. They makeout for a minute and even Becca’s like “Jason’s a very good kisser.” Damn, Jason, seeing your hair night one and every night since - I would never expect to be Team Jason Come In Second. 

Colton tells Becca that he’s been in love once and he’s lucky to be here. Jordan is wearing his gold underwear tonight and Becca tries to get as physically far from him as possible when he “dances” for her. We find out that Colton’s patience officially runs out when it comes to “clowns”. Colton and Chris, who is the guy who likes to confront other guys, decide to confront Jordan about his antics - they tell him that he’s “painting a target on his back” and just some other general nonsense that I do agree with, but didn’t need to hear. WHEN. WILL. PEOPLE. LEARN. TO IGNORE. THE. FOOLS. ON THIS. FRANCHISE. 

Meanwhile, Jean Blanc sits down and Becca and presents her with a gift: he collaborated with one of the biggest fragrance houses in the world to create a perfume called “Miss Becca Blanc” and we weirdly find out that Becca wants to hyphenate her last name? Like, I’m thrilled to hear this news, but why does Jean know this and why are we finding out while he’s handing her a misogynistic bottle of pink perfume designed to make her believe he’s being honest? 

Becca doesn’t know how to feel about the gift and also says that she reads body language and she’s just not sure that Jean is all that into her. It’s such a stark contrast from their first week together when I was all about Jean - it’s a super weird vibe and it’s just not clear how anyone in any part of this situation feels. 

We do see that Becca probably has some other conversations with Leo and definitely with Lincoln because Jean cuts in and says that he needs to talk to Becca again because they have some “unfinished business”. They sit down in the same spot and Jean tells her that he’s been doing a lot of thinking and he wants her to know that he’s falling in love with her. Hmm. Both Becca and I kind of have nothing to say. It’s an incredibly uncomfortable conversation where she’s just like, “Uh, I don’t think we’re on the same page” and then he tries to “take a step back”? I’m so very uncomfortable and Becca rightly decides that he should probably just go home right now. 

She walks him out and they stand at the door about to take him to his car and he literally just turns to her and asks, “What about the gift?” Now, where I’m not clear here is if he asked because he wanted know if he could get the gift back or if he asked because he was like “Girl, i got you a gift and then you immediately send me home?” She says she was grateful for it, but the feelings were too intense and she just wasn’t on the same page as him and then he literally says “it’s not necessarily where I’m at”. Umm. He even goes on to say that he thought that’s what she wanted to hear. EH. NO. 

She walks him out and she tries to wrap her brain around what just happened, but she basically just says that all she’s asked for in this is honesty, and if that wasn’t honesty... She wishes him the best, but let me just speak for all of Bachelor nation when I say: I DON’T. WHO THE EFF DOES JEAN THINK HE IS? BAI FOREVER JEAN. Literally how dare he lie straight to her face just to get ahead and then fully admit it while on camera. It’s almost like, hmm, oh yeah, I’VE SEEN IT BEFORE AND I’VE SEEN IT BEFORE HAPPENING TO BECCA. 

She walks back in and tells the rest of the guys that she just sent Jean home and she feels so disrespected. “If anyone else can’t be honest with me from here on out, I don’t want you here.” WE DON’T WANT THEM EITHER, BECCA. She just wants to go home and she decides to not give out the group date rose. I’m pissed and feeling for Becca, but I’m also feeling for Blake who has a finger injury?????? Console each other! 

Becca wakes up the next day and says that she’s still thinking about what Jean did - he basically took back his feelings. She’s never had a relationship with a man who knows exactly what he’s feeling and how to express those feelings and this was just another example of that. Poor Wills has to follow up that nightmare of an experience with his one-on-one (again, no Date Card in sight, oh well). She starts to get really emotional even getting ready for the date and says that she’s really nervous and just feels off. Wills, and actually most of the guys, are worried that this is just going to make her put her guard up again. 

Wills walks up this hill all dopey and she immediately addresses the elephant in the room by saying that last night was rough, but she doesn’t want to focus on that today. She hopes he can go slow and they go snowmobiling as a perfect metaphor. Wills is a perfect gentleman and goes slow and keeps looking back to make sure she’s okay and is giving her thumbs up and I have to be completely honest, guys: this entire scene made me cry. He was being a perfect gentleman and she was literally learning that it would be okay to trust someone with something even as simple as getting on this snowmobile. I know a lot of it is smoke and mirrors and fun and games, but this girl literally had her heart ripped out on national TV like a month before this date and the poor girl has to put on a brave face again. It genuinely broke my heart. 

They get to the top of the mountain and they sit in the snow and Wills is just so supportive and tells her that he just wants to ask the right questions and make her laugh and smile. I really don’t think Becca and Wills will have the same ending, but this date reminded me of the Ashley and JP date after she sent a guy home and he just sat there and let her be emotional. Becca says that Wills is a stand up guy and I cannot agree more - he’s insanely patient and kind and caring toward her and I love him. They have a snowball fight and she’s starting to feel like her journey toward love is back on track. 

At dinner, Becca opens the conversation by thanking him for being so kind and gracious today. Wills says, “You’re human, you’re going to be affected by things, that’s fine.” Can I have Wills in my pocket please? Why am I just so touched by this man on this date right now? He tells her that one of the first things that attracted him to her was her strength and resilience - he also says that he’s been through some trying times and some betrayal in past relationships. He had a girlfriend of about three years with whom he talked about marriage and kids and he genuinely thought he had found his person. He absolutely did not see it coming when their relationship started to fall apart - his first sign was that she asked for a “hall pass” to sleep with anyone she wanted to. Damn. 

Becca relates it to her relationship with Arie with whom she saw a lifelong partner, but she’s moved past it and she learned through that how she deserves to be treated. Wills says that he would not be here if he weren’t ready for this. They both share that they have a fear of not being enough for their partner and that they’re pretty hard on themselves. It’s a genuinely mature, adult conversation and I’m very into it. She tells him that in all of the decisions that she’s going to be making on this “journey”, she wants to be able to tell the guys why she made those decisions and she would expect the same respect of them. He really surprised her tonight and, honestly, not so much he, but their conversation as a whole surprised me. What I can’t tell is if they have physical chemistry, but damn, do they know how to talk about deep stuff. He gets the rose and they make out against a wall and it almost makes me forget that he’s wearing a weird thin scarf the entire time. 

Back at the cabin, Nick and Connor are talking about how they didn’t get time with Becca on the group date because of the Jean drama, so they’re looking forward to talking to her at the cocktail party tonight - CUE CHRIS HARRISON! Chris Harrison walks in and tells the guys that he’s spoken to Becca and she’s decided that there won’t be a cocktail party tonight. HOW WILL WE GO ON. 

The guys walk into the rose ceremony - David’s eye looks legitimately infected and Colton, for some reason is wearing a glitter blazer. Becca walks in and tells them that she was hurt and didn’t know how she could move forward after Jean, but now looking at these guys, she’s hopeful. Congrats to: Leo, Colton, Blake, Connor, Lincoln, John, Chris, David, and Jordan. Bai to Christon and Nick! Christon was cool and his exit interview was classy. Nick, I genuinely do not remember one fact about other than that David with a broken nose basically turned into Nick. Jordan is pissed because he was last and to express himself he says: “I’m like a sponge, you can squeeze me and get everything out of me, but you’ll never know until you try.” Nothing has ever called for an 🆗 more. 

Next week on The Bachelorette: VEGAS! Colton gets a one-on-one, Blake gets some alone time, thank god, and Chris wants to leave. Also, the not at all anticipated David and Jordan two-on-one looks like it’s on the horizon. Until then! 

The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 3

Tonight on The Bachelorette: A football date! TIA’S HERE! And more medical evacuations in one week than in most full seasons of survivor. So much to get to - let’s jump in!

It was raining this week, which is interesting because this year was really not at all rainy in LA, but okay. All the guys are getting along in the house with the exception of Jordan. David is still mad that Jordan went around the rose ceremony in his underwear, but whatever. According to Jordan, David just spends his days making scrambled eggs (PS the shot of how he is making his scrambled eggs is GROSS, he’s not a great chef). The one thing Jordan and I can agree on, though, is that David has no sense of humor. 

Colton and Chris sit down and Colton explains that once he and Becca move past all of the Tia drama, they’ll be able to take their relationship to the next level. Colton’s been frustrated so far with how this has just not allowed them to progress. 

Chris Harrison walks in and says that this week there are going to be two group dates and one one-on-one date. Weirdly he says that “Whoever gets the one-on-one…enjoy”. Uh, is that a threat? He hands them the first date card: “Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, Colton: It’s time to relax…Becca”. Yesssss, Colton is excited to be on this group date and wants the chance to get to know Becca. Then he weirdly says “If I were a betting man, I think this will be the beginning of something great, and I’m a betting man.” Weird bookends to that sentence, but okay. 

We see Becca getting ready for her date and she says that she’s enjoying her time with these guys and is ready to move these relationships forward. She hears a knock at the door and in walks Kendall, Sienne, Bekah, Tia, and Caroline - YAHS. They’re here to meet some of the guys and help Becca figure everything out. She tells them that the guys don’t know they’re going to be there today and also, she subtly turns to Tia and says that Colton is going to be on the date. Tia tells all the girls that she and Colton dated before Arie’s season even aired and they broke up when he found out he was going on The Bachelorette. Seinne asks Becca if it’s something that she feels like she can move past and Becca honestly says that if this weren’t even a thing, she would be super into Colton. She wants to talk to Tia one-on-one today about it, but mostly she just wants to make sure that Colton is really there for her and not for Tia. 

The girls head to a spa and all get in robes and Becca goes to meet the guys outside. She tells them all that she has some friends here today and all the guys are going to be pampering them - all fine and dandy until we do a pass through the hallways of this spa and it’s janky as hell. Seriously, where is this place and why is it so low budget? The boys make their way down the hallway and around the corner sit all the girls. Genuinely, I mean, genuinely, you can see “Oh shit” in Colton’s eyes. “This is one of my worst nightmares that played out.” Honestly, I feel you Colton, but I’m glad there were cameras for this. 

All the guys and all the girls great each other and it’s basically just them figuring out who’s going to be on Paradise that they can keep an eye out for - Becca introduces all the girls first and then goes down the line to introduce the guys and OH NO, SHE FULLY FORGETS JASON’S NAME. POOR JASON. They hug it out and move forward and she sends the guys to get changed into this janky spa’s uniform. 

Jason and Colton sit by a JANKY WATERFALL - have I said enough how janky this place is - and talk about “the elephant in the room”. It really was clearly awkward between Tia and Colton and, honestly, they clearly still like each other, but whatever. Colton ends up saying that he’s “grateful” that Tia is there, and I don’t fully understand, but hopefully this means that this is the last week they’ll have to deal with drama about it. 

They all go back into that same tiny ass room they met everyone in and there’s like outdoor chairs and buckets and the guys are giving the girls massages and pedicures and manicures and it’s just one of the weirder dates I’ve ever seen. Eventually, Becca starts to pain the guys’ nails and Jason especially loves his nails. Kendall says that she’s paying attention to the guys that take extra time to pamper Becca since they’re there for her. Unprompted, Becca says she’s glad she shaved her legs today - LOL I FEEL U GURL. 

Becca grabs Tia and Colton looks legitimately TERRIFIED. They sit down on a tiny couch in this weird spa and Tia tells her that the most they ever did was kiss - they never even had an established conversation about what they were. Colton did tell her very quickly after meeting her that he applied for the show. Here’s where it gets interesting because Becca asks Tia if she thinks that he applied hoping she’d be the Bachelorette and literally Tia says “probably” before she can correct herself and say “possibly”. I just feel like Tia’s not over him, but who knows. Becca is apparently really glad that she and Tia had that conversation, but truly nothing was accomplished - it’s like they just said what they were thinking but made no actual movement forward. Becca’s main focus is just finding out if Colton is there for her and if she finds out he isn’t, she’s going to send him home. Am I the only one still wondering how these two ever met in the first place? Final word on this really, but Raven kinda went off on Twitter with extremely vague tweets alluding to the fact that Colton was still into Tia but it just seemed extremely petty and another way for her to stay relevant. I love Raven, but it’s already pretty well established that, yes, she and Tia are friends, but like they’re not best friends and she probably has little to know information about her relationship with Colton. But, I digress. 

For the cocktail party, Becca says that she needs to sit down and talk to Colton because she still has reservations. The guys are all there waiting for Becca and Jason tells them all that they should just keep it light for the rest of the night and Jean agrees. Becca walks in and she asks to see all of their nails - shoutout to Jean for the SMOOTHEST move ever when he asks to see her hand and then fully just grabs her hand to go talk to her alone. Good on you, bud. 

They sit down and Jean tells Becca that all her friends are so protective of her and they think so highly of her. Then he just pulls out a head massager, the same kind he used earlier in the day, and Becca just assumes he stole it? It was a very weird move for him just to prove that he owns a head massager? Back with the other guys, Jordan says that he feels great after rubbing Becca’s feet today and “it was awesome to feel her dissolve in her chair”. GROSS. 

Becca grabs Jason and tells him that she thinks he’s cute and has a little crush on him. Jason and I are both clutching our pearls at that. She does, thank god, apologize for forgetting his name and he’s literally the most gracious human. He says that she said it to the exact right guy because he has thick skin and he knows she was going through a lot and had just introduced Colton. He didn’t even think twice about it and honestly I think I’m in love with Jason? She kisses him and they’re both very into it and we find out that Jason is very selective with who his life partner will be and I LOVE JASON I GUESS. 

Back with the rest of the guys we find out that Jordan got a notification from Tinder that told him that he reached 4000 matches in 2017. LOLOLOLOLOL. He goes on to explain that he’s very selective on his swipes and literally everyone is like “k, but you must have spent a lot of time on Tinder if you got that many matches” and he’s just like “No, I didn’t even go on every day, but I had 100% success rate”. It’s literally one of my favorite conversations to date, but not for the reason that David thinks. David seems to think this will be a devastating bit of information for Becca to find out, but me and the rest of the guys are just like, this is absurd and dumb and funny. 

David and Becca sit down and OF COURSE he just uses his time to tell her about all of Jordan’s Tinder matches and then he literally has the audacity to say that he’s “not one to throw people under the bus”. UM. I can’t even remember why he said this, but Jordan goes on to describe David as someone who has a “silver spoon hanging out of [his] ass”, which is not at all a cliche, but is incredibly gross. Shoutout to Becca who ends up back with all the guys, raises her hand to Jordan and says: “Hey Jordan, 4000 matches, high five, bud, that’s a good streak!” BECCA IS KWEEN. 

There’s even more content about this damn Tinder thing including Jordan calling David “the skeleton of a man” and toasts to him being a bitch. David, again, seems to think he’s in on the joke and says that even though the other guys weren’t speaking, he thinks he speaks on the behalf of the other guys. NO, DUDE, YOU DON’T. 

Jordan takes the time to talk to Becca about what just went down and she’s just like “I just think it’s funny, it’s fine”. They sit down and Becca wants to know what kind of partner Jordan is in a relationship and he literally describes himself as a Golden Retriever, which is, of course, offensive to the greatest dogs on earth. But what he really means is apparently he’s loyal and dependable, which I find, honestly, not that hard to believe. I can’t imagine he has much more going on in his life. 

We have to go back to the damn couches to talk about Tinder again and it’s the same fight again, but the only upside is Jason and Wills hiding behind their cocktails, pillows, and their own jackets to stifle their laughter during this dumb fight. We do get the gem of: “Attached to me is professionality, is my face”, but I think what really takes the cake is Jason at, finally, the end of the fight with “That was fucking awesome” and a hearty chuckle. I love Jason and Wills. 

Back at the mansion - date card time! “Chris - let’s make your heart sing…Becca”. Garrett wanted the one-on-one, but WHO CARES YOU’RE A BAD PERSON. 

Colton and Becca sit down and finally he says with his words that he does not have feelings for Tia anymore and seeing her today didn’t stir anything up. I think just hearing that made Becca feel okay about clearly being super attracted to this guy. He tells her that there’s a lot that he wants her to know about him and it was important for him to start this relationship with honesty because he knows she didn’t have that in her last relationship. He finally gets a kiss and Becca flees immediately. Hope he doesn’t take it personally? But actually, she’s going to grab the rose and my heart flutters when we see that he couldn’t even wait to see her again and was in the hallway to meet her and grab her and kiss her, rose in hand. They sit down again and she says that she’s excited to finally get the chance to get to know him and she’s looking forward to their story. He “without a doubt” accepts the rose. GOOD FOR YOU, COLTON. (Sorry, Tia!)

Time for Chris’ one-on-one which I already have mixed feelings about - reminder he was the guy night one who decided it was the perfect time to say someone wasn’t there for the right reason. Also, Becca’s shirt is extremely questionable. They drive extremely near to my apartment and end up at the Capitol Records building. Fun! Also Chris didn’t know what building it was? Like, it’s an iconic building? I’m very confused? 

They walk into a studio and Richard Marx is playing the piano? I might just use question marks for all the sentences about this date? We’ll see? Richard Marx, who Chris clearly does not know, asks Becca to sit at the piano with him and Richard, unfortunately, asks Becca to sing. IT. WAS. A MISTAKE. The girl is great, but damn is her voice bad. They move from the piano to just some benches and Richard Marx offers some non-specific love advice! He then tells them that for the date they’re going to be writing their own love song today. Me and Chris are both like WTF and Becca is weirdly cool with it. I would run so far away if this was my first date with someone. 

Becca and Chris split up to write their lyrics, which seems counterproductive, but okay. We find out that Becca is apparently an actual lyricist and Chris is definitely not. He’s in the hallways struggling because his parents got a divorce when he was young and he didn’t have a relationship with his dad. Like, I understand that those are trying times, but truly what does that have to do with anything? Becca goes and finds him in the hallway and they sit and talk about how hard it is to be vulnerable - she promises that they’ll do this together and somehow she was able to take away all his stress and worry. 

The next 4 minutes are potentially the most embarrassing of anyone’s lifetime ever and Becca is forced to recite her lyrics to Chris first. They’re extremely vague and truly you could pop in anyone else’s name and I think we can use this for the finale, too. Chris’ lyrics are more specific referencing the first night in the limo and her eyes like four different times. Richard Marx slow claps for Chris’ lyrics and it’s extremely hard to tell if he’s being sarcastic or not. Richard takes the opportunity to write some music for their “wonderful” lyrics and Becca and Chris just literally dance around the studio. I cannot possibly imagine feeling comfortable during even one second of this date, but these two are just totally fine with it. 

The final date card arrives! “Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake: We can tackle anything together…Becca” FOOTBALL DATE TIME. Randomly, Jordan decides now is the time to ask Colton something about he and Tia and Colton immediately shuts it down. The timing is weird, Jordan just wants to start a fight, and I’m not into it. 

For Chris and Becca’s dinner, they head to an unidentified place in Downtown LA - Becca wants to use tonight to find out why the day was so hard for Chris. She makes a quick joke about how her vocals could use some work (at least she knows) and then asks him what was so difficult about writing those lyrics today. Chris tells her that when he was 7, his dad left so it was just his mom and his sisters for most of his life. Five years ago, he wrote a letter to his dad to reach out, but he literally just never heard anything back. Yikes. Becca is glad that he was able to open up and says that that situation seems like probably the “worst sense of pain and abandonment someone could feel”. It is pretty devastating, but I’m just over Chris I think.

She gives him a rose because, imagine not giving him a rose after he literally just told a story about someone abandoning him and not reciprocating feelings, and then she grabs him real hard to kiss him. I really am not understanding the attraction she has, but also I think she 1. loves to kiss, and 2. I think he might be really attractive in person. Though, I’m not sure. 

They walk into a ballroom with an extremely busy carpet and Richard Marx is there playing. Truly this guy just had nothing else going on today did he? They dance and kiss in front of Richard, again, and I just really, really would love a confessional of Richard and his full experience on this date. 

Back at the mansion, something crazy is going down - apparently they found David lying on the ground with blood everywhere. We see him being taken away on a stretcher and Lincoln apparently doesn’t know if he’s going to make it? 

The next morning, all the guys talk about what happened the night before - apparently a few of them woke up to Blake screaming David’s name. We cut to Becca’s room and Chris Harrison knocks on the door - he sits her down and says there was an “incident” at the house last night and David is in intensive care with a busted nose and a busted face. Becca, like many of us, assumed someone had done that to him (He’d honestly be the first person most people would punch), but no, Chris says, while trying not to laugh, that he fell out of bed and landed on his face. Becca was already covering her mouth, so luckily she was able to hide her laughter, too. Chris lets her use his phone, it seems, to call the hospital and she basically just wishes him well and says that she’ll see him soon. Jason and Wills hiding behind anything to cover laughter is a true mood and it’s out in full force again with this situation. 

Back at the mansion, Jordan is “David proofing” the beds by putting rails on all the top bunks. Lololol. The guys jokingly think that Jordan pushed David out of bed and honestly, I kinda wish that did happen, it would be a way better story than a GROWN MAN FALLING OUT OF A BUNK BED. 

Football date time! They get to this field and there’s a tiny little marching band and Becca comes running out wearing a jersey with a number 14 - it takes me too long to realize that’s the season number. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Becca tells the guys that two women from the “Legends Football League” is here, which, idk what that is but they have super sexist uniforms. These two women, Dina and Malissa, take the guys through some drills, but not before we see all of them try to put on their pads and fail. 

Lincoln is objectively bad, Connor could get his ass kicked by these girls, and honestly some of these guys are super impressive. Everyone is obsessed with Clay and how good he is, but like, I would hope so? Dina and Malissa tell the guys that they’ll be playing a game in front of a live audience and then we cut to the guys who are all wearing these weird, like, not at all regulation football helmets? 

This game is known as the “Becca Bowl” and somehow ABC got Keyshawn Johnson to drive out to a Los Angeles suburb to commentate on this fake football game. What, Fred Willard was busy? The guys are getting suited up in the locker room and they’re all like, comically, up for this game. 

The game starts with, unfortunately, a pretty impressive kick from Garrett and then instantly we see Lincoln being bad at football again. Christon is crazy fast and his team, the White team, is destroying. Honestly, everyone is pretty good, with the exception of Lincoln who literally doesn’t even know when they’re playing offense or defense. 

Eventually the Blue team comes within striking distance and Clay turns up the heat - he ends up making a final run into the end zone to end the game in a tie, but not without hurting his wrist. We find out that he apparently has to go to the hospital and I just can’t believe we have 2 medical evacs in the same episode, let alone in one season. The guys, and Becca, all just want Clay to be healthy. 

For the cocktail party, they go to Bigdaddy’s, which seems to be some kind of antique shop? We find out that Clay won’t be able to make it tonight. Oh well! Garrett and Becca talk first and Becca tells him that he does well on group dates. Then, they just proceed to grab each other? It’s weird and I still don’t like him and it’s dumb that she likes him. 

Blake is having a rough time at this date - normally he considers himself a confident guy, but that’s all gone out the window and he doesn’t want to share Becca. I DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO SHARE HER EITHER, BUD! He and Becca sit down and he tells her that it’s been a pretty hard day and she says that she just wants to take a nap with him. He wants to just cuddle up with his girlfriend and watch a scary movie. HE CALLED HER HIS GIRLFRIEND! These two really love kissing each other and I love them and I refuse to look at spoilers this season, but if this does not go my way, I’ll be upset. 

Surprisingly, Clay does make it back to the cocktail party and he’s in a full sling. At least he knows the comedy when he says “I got hurt playing football on The Bachelorette - that’s pretty funny.” Becca walks in and sees him and he fully tells her that his wrist might be broken. DUDE, GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL. The two of them sit down and she says he did great today at not being intimidating to the other guys. Mmk. They kiss and she clearly doesn’t like kissing him as much as she does Blake. JUST END THE SEASON GUYS, COME ON. They all head back together and she ends up giving the group date rose to Clay, which, I mean, good, and SHE PINS IT ON HIS SLING lololololol. 

Rose ceremony night! Nick, whoever that is, is feeling anxious because he didn’t get to go on a date this week. Uh, yeah, bud, you should feel nervous. NO ONE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE. Becca walks in in red again and toasts with a glass that seems to be ONLY ice based on the pure clink I’m hearing through her entire speech. 

Connor steals Becca first and says that clearly he doesn’t play football, but he has played baseball his whole life so he set up a little t-ball diamond and it’s actually quite endearing. Jason says he can’t stop smiling when he’s with Becca! Becca in general is much more hopeful and excited this week and she feels like her future husband is in this group of guys. 

Clay is back, this time without a sling, and he’s just found out that he needs to have surgery on his wrist. After a brief discussion with some of the guys, he and Becca sit down and he explains that playing football allows him to take care of his family. He wants to stay, but he knows he has to leave. He’s convinced that he 100% would have fallen in love with Becca if he would have stayed, and honestly, I don’t doubt him. Look, I know I’ve given Clay some shit for being stupid, but this is just a genuinely shitty decision. Do I think he would have won? Definitely not. But do I think he would have fallen in love and been a genuinely nice guy to Becca the whole time? Probably. They walk outside and he has to hand her back the rose and she’s surprisingly pretty emotional about it. She says that she had just found a spark with Clay and feels like they were finally getting somewhere. She has nothing left - she’s done. 

Next week on The Bachelorette: Becca’s walls are going back up, David returns, and they’re headed to Park City, UT! Wills and Garrett get some alone time, Colton has lost respect for someone, and Becca is PISSED! Can’t wait! 

The Bachelorette, Season 14: Week 2

I think we can all definitively say that this season will be truly excellent. Nothing makes me more excited than a genuine connection as well as just unnecessary drama between grown adult men. I’m so glad I found this franchise, or really, more accurately, that this franchise found me. This week, we have one of the greatest dates in Bachelor Nation history, Colton has something to get off his chest, and Jordan is walking around naked in a move that could only be described as “professionality”. LET’S DO IT!

Becca is biking around Venice, which is, by the way, like, very far from the mansion. She says that she’s officially dating again! We, unfortunately, get the first balcony scream of the season, which seems quite early, but we’ve got to fit more and more into these episodes nowadays. All of the guys gather in the living room and instantly I’m thrilled because Blake looks like an adult this week. That’s good. Chris Harrison walks in and gives this big speech about how they should all take advantage of any time with Becca that they get because there’s so many of them. It was, like, vaguely threatening? Hey, which Bachelorette do you think is Chris Harrison’s favorite? Like, has he ever accidentally fallen in love and the producers had to just, like, rein him in? I don’t know, it just felt like an aggressive move from him. The first date card shows up: “Clay, Nick, Chris R., David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, Lincoln: I’m ready for my big day…Becca” Okay, first of all, why is he “Chris R.” all of a sudden? Are we calling Christon “Chris” now? Why? Secondly, David, who is reading the card, may not know how to read. 

They all show up at Saddlerock Ranch which is very beautiful and did she dye her hair, like, last night? It seems extremely dark, which I’m into. She tells the guys that she wants to pamper them the way she was pampered on her first date - they walk into Saddlerock into this open room that just has a bunch of tuxes on a clothing rack and a single bottle of champagne chilling on ice. SUCH PAMPERING. So, the guys go on to start changing into their tuxes out in the open, which, they make out to be a big deal, but there didn’t ever seem to be a different alternative? Becca is forced to awkwardly stand there and not watch them change and it’s supposed to be like, sexy and fun I think, but it’s really just awkward and I’m too busy wondering how a single bottle of champagne is supposed to service all nine of them. 

The only sort of interesting moment to come out of the guys changing in front of Becca is that we learn that Becca fully didn’t know that Jordan was a model? “Wait, are you a model?” I’m sorry, but that is definitive PROOF that she did not talk to Jordan night one because there is no way Jordan ever lets anyone leave a conversation with him not knowing that he’s a model. We also see the stunning moment of Jordan’s advice to Becca: 

“Before you put your socks on in the morning or your pantyhose or your shoes on, put your confidence on.” - Jordan, 2018

I love nothing more than the fact that he thinks pantyhose are a modern woman’s choice for everyday wear. 

Once all the men are dressed, they all head out to a field where we meet up with Rachel and Brian. Like, I love Rachel, but these two need to stop trying to remain famous. We find out that they’ll be doing an obstacle course called GROOMSDAY. What’s up with the Bachelor franchise and naming obstacle courses? 

We cut to commercial right here and we get the immense displeasure of seeing this WEIRD Ocean’s 8 promotion with a few former Bachelorettes and Ashley I. It makes literally no sense and I hate it and that’s all. 

Back at the field, Brian and Rachel tell the men about the obstacle course - first, they’ll go through Ball and Chain, Cold Feet is next, followed by the Slippery Slope. Then they’ll go to Get Over Your Exes, move on to Cake Tasting and finally race to the altar for the finale. At this point in my notes, I literally wrote “Brian is just as awful as I remember”. I want more than anything to support Rachel in her life, but, still, a year later, WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US, RACHEL?!?!

Ready, set, start your engines, men! OH SHOOT, WRONG METAPHOR. Anyway, the obstacle course is underway and Lincoln is off to an early start - all of the men pretty much end up in the ice bath aka “Cold Feet” next and Clay is truly just chilling there. He’s in the NFL, lest we forget, and he’s learned how to sit in an ice bath and protect, his, ahem, goods. 

Lincoln jumps out of the ice bath first after vigorously shaking his game night sand timer and Chris is PISSED. Chris will definitely be the guy who’s just pissed at everyone who is not him this season. They move on to the Slippery Slope which seems incredibly fun - at this point, apparently Lincoln heard a voice in his head saying “win win win win win win win win”. That is verbatim. I’m concerned for Lincoln. 

Eventually David catches up to Lincoln - quick reminder David was a chicken night one - but Lincoln pulls it out in the end. He walks down the aisle to find Becca in a wedding dress and proposes with a GIANT ring. Becca doesn’t know where to put the ring, which, surprises me because, like, she should…know…where…to put…the ring. At this point I’m on board with Lincoln so it infuriates me that he fully DIRTIES HER WEDDING DRESS. HASN’T SHE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?

For the cocktail party, Becca is ROCKING a red jumpsuit and stick straight hair. Shout out to the continuity error with her wavy hair in her confessional. Lincoln grabs her first and the rest of the guys, particularly Connor are bent out of shape that someone wants to talk to her? Like, do these men not at all understand the show they signed up for? Lincoln and Becca sit down and he tells her that she brings the best out in him - even she is like “You’ve said that before, what do you mean?” Like, they’ve spent 10 minutes together, that’s not enough time to bring out anything in anyone. OKAY LINCOLN. 

She brings him a photo of the two of them from the obstacle course and I’m kinda pissed because it is a genuinely very cute photo. He’s quite smooth when he goes in for the kiss, but unfortunately he loses any semblance of cool when he says “kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on the wings of Pegasus” and something else, but I stopped listening. Eventually, he makes his way back to the other men with his photo and he just puts it on the table. Honestly, I thought it was a fine thing to do - where else was he gonna put it?

Back at the mansion, date card number 2! “Blake - Let’s lose control…Becca” YES. TEAM BLAKE. YES. Shoutout to Colton: “Don’t come back!”

While most of the men have a stick up their butt about Lincoln’s photo, Chris R., or as I like to call him, Chris, tells Becca that he wants to treat the woman he wants to marry the way he treats his mom and his sister. Nick wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now, David wants to be pushed intellectually, and Clay wants to build a relationship with her. 

Now, Connor. Connor is a mess. Connor is so unbelievably offended by a simple photo that he initially puts the photo face down, then places it behind a couch, then THROWS it full speed into the pool. Perhaps my favorite part about this entire ordeal is the sound effect of glass shattering only to find out that the photo landed in the pool, which as we all know, would make a distinct “plop”. It’s pure drama and I’m equally entertained and completely annoyed. 

We move on from the drama for a moment to find Jordan wearing fully plaid pants while Lincoln reveals that he was so excited to show the photo to his mom and his heart is broken! I find it hard to believe that Lincoln’s first and only thought was “I can’t wait to show my mom”. Also, if a photo of a woman you just met breaks your heart, I’m concerned.

Luckily, we get a respite from the photo drama to spend a little time with Jean Blanc. He’s an actual star - he’s incredibly sweet and ready to focus on his personal life. He’s looking for the missing puzzle piece of his life and Becca tells him that he’s really good at eye contact. She appreciates a wink he gave her during the obstacle course, which I would have LOVED TO SEE, EDITORS! Jean likes to make women feel special and he says that the only thing nicer than her smile is her lips. DAMN, JEAN. They end with a kiss and I intensely respect Becca’s willingness to try a kiss with as many of the guys as she can. 

Back with the photo drama, Clay doesn’t respect what Connor did. NO ONE DOES, CLAY. Lincoln is standing on the stairs waiting for Becca - they sit down and he tells her about Connor and he apparently feels threatened physically? Dude. Chill. Becca is disappointed in Connor and his aggressive reaction to such a dumb thing. I’m not disappointed as much as annoyed beyond belief. 

Becca grabs Connor and basically tells him that she doesn’t want to deal with bullshit like this so early on. Also, clearly he’s an aggressive person, this isn’t exactly a fluke. That’s honestly the end of the night - we don’t get to see conversations she has with the other, like, 5 men that were on this group date. Luckily, Jean walks away with the group date rose and we can all rest easy knowing that Lincoln, nor Connor, benefitted from their tiny fits. 

Back at the mansion, Lincoln sits down with three men who were not on the date with him and cries about his experience. Colton “could see the look on his face” during the whole thing, which, uh, no he couldn’t because, he, uh, WASN’T THERE. Jason calls out Lincoln for his odd accent, but that’s about it. 

FINALLY it’s time to hang out with Blake! It’s Blake’s first time in a limo, because, as we all remember, he rode an OX on the way into the first night. Becca is a little nervous about this date because she was so frustrated with the group date the night before. She tells him that she doesn’t even know what their date is going to be because “Chris Harrison is taking over”. 

They show up in the middle of downtown and Chris Harrison is standing there with a sledgehammer, but mostly what I’m focused on is THEIR SIZING IS ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. Blake must be an absolutely giant man because Becca is quite tall, and yet she appears to perfectly fit in his nook. Chris Harrison removes an actual plastic sheet to reveal some jumpsuits and Timberlands for them to wear. 

They walk into this creepy warehouse to find ALL OF BECCA’S MEMORIES. In addition to these horrible memories of Arie, including the grey couch, LIL JON IS THERE. WHY? WE CAN NEVER BE SURE. Basically, they get to just absolutely destroy everything about Arie including an actual race car. This is the BEST date of all time - from Lil Jon playing just one song, to aquariums being destroyed for god knows what reason, to Blake smashing the shit out of everything he’s going to have to deal with at dinner. I love it so, so much. 

Blake’s favorite part of the day was watching how happy Becca was and I’M OBSESSED WITH BLAKE. LIKE THEY’RE ALREADY SO COMFORTABLE WITH EACH OTHER. They head to dinner at the Warwick, where apparently Dean Unglert has been kicked out of according the Becca Tilley on Instagram. They’re sore from all the smashing, which I’ll decline to comment on. Heheh. 

Becca tells Blake that she was so open and ready to commit during The Bachelor and she’s already back in that headspace. He tells her that he was in a similar situation where he fell in love really fast and thought he’d found the woman he was going to marry. It didn’t feel completely right, though, and he eventually read her texts to find out that the girl had planned to break up with him. A little concerned about his text reading habits, but we’ll deal with that when they’re engaged. 

For the final date card: “Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Chris, Trent, Leo, Wills, Colton: Love comes at you hard and fast…Becca”. So Jason and Mike are not on a date this week, which is completely fine because I already forgot about them. 

Becca tells Blake that she appreciates that she feels like herself and not just The Bachelorette when she’s with him. Everything feels natural and easy for the two of them and she “loves their story” so far. YES. He helped her get back up on that horse! Today exceeded her expectations, and tbh, it exceeded mine, too. He gets the rose and I’m obsessed with his “Yes. Every time, yes.” response to “Will you accept this rose?” They’re just a great fit. AND. SHOUT. OUT. TO. THE. MAKING. OUT. AGAINST. THE WALL. YES, BECCA, YOU RECLAIM THAT ARIE MOVE! They’re clearly, just, very into each other. The season is over as far as I’m concerned. 

For the group date, the men show up at a school and inside the school’s gym are literal children playing dodgeball. They’re going to be training for a dodgeball game? match? Whatever you call a dodgeball matchup, they’ll be doing that later today. The children are ruthless and make them instantly do suicides the second they walk into the gym. Also these men are forced to catch dodgeballs that are flying directly at them at 100 MPH. LIKE HOLY SHIT. They have a little “scrimmage” and Becca’s on one of the teams that all just decide to hide behind her because they don’t think any of the guys would throw a ball at her. Surprise: Chris, or as I like to call him, Christon, throws a ball directly at her to get her out. 

I thought that was going to be the end of the date, but no, they go to a literal ARENA to play this dodgeball game on trampolines. Fred Willard is there for truly some inexplicable reason. Perhaps it’s to help erase the memory of the date he was on last season with the dogs that I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND. 

It’s a best two out of three matchup and it’s a genuinely tough game. Leo is killing it and just constantly ends up as the only one left on his team. It looks good there for awhile, but in the end, it was the Green Frogs who came out on top. Wait, they named the teams? What was the pink team’s name? WE’LL NEVER KNOW!

Perhaps the line of the season goes to someone I did not actually see when they show up to the cocktail party with the trophy on the table: “Before we go any farther, are you guys okay with the trophy sitting there?” YES, WHOEVER YOU ARE, YES! Second to that incredible line is Alex who tells Becca that she has her shit together and he “doesn’t normally go up to girls who have their shit together”. COME AWN, SELF AWARENESS. 

Becca says that today’s date is no drama, unlike the last group date. JUST YOU WAIT, GURL. Garrett and Becca sit by the pool in simply the worst lighting and I still hate him. Garrett says that Becca is the girl version of him and I whole-heartedly disagree. Christon was keeping Becca on her toes, Leo is an unexpected choice for her, and Wills is very smooth. He ends up telling Becca about the love his has for his grandparents and she’s weirdly super into it. They kiss for, like, awhile and then he gives her his jacket. 

Meanwhile, Colton is nervous about talking to Becca because he apparently has something he needs her to know - he and Becca sit down and just immediately it’s revealed that HE USED TO DATE TIA. Okay, so let me break down why this is a big deal: Tia was 100% the frontrunner to be The Bachelorette if Arie hadn’t broken up with Becca. Also Becca and Tia are legit besties. Also Tia and Becca are very different people. Also casting for The Bachelorette was happening exactly when this alleged fling happened. All of these things contribute to Becca rightfully feeling like maybe Colton didn’t show up for her. Yes, the edit makes it seem like she’s making a big deal out of nothing, but like, she has a right to feel like the timing of all of this is a little weird. What isn’t clear is how long he and Tia “dated” - we know from the super tease that Colton is a virgin and the way he talks about it, it makes it seem like maybe they just hung out for a single night, but it’s all a little up in the air. She basically leaves the conversation not kissing him, but telling him that she’s super attracted to him. I’m still a fan of Colton, but it is weird. 

Wills ends up with the group date rose, which I’m okay with, but Becca does not seem to be in a good place for the rest of the night. She’s questioning everything and doesn’t have hope in many of them. Yikes. 

For the cocktail party, Becca says that already on week 2, this is more emotional than she thought. Everything about the group dates left her feeling down and she already feels like she’s losing trust. THINK OF BLAKE, BECCA, THINK OF BLAKE. Regardless, she’s killing it in a blue sparkly dress and tells the men that she wants to use tonight because there have been some “discoveries” this week. TRU. 

She and Clay perform a touchdown dance and kiss, John is very sweet, but certainly won’t last, and Connor brings his own framed photo to explain that his behavior was not indicative of his actual personality. Mmmk. She lets her throw the photo in the pool, which, admittedly, seems cathartic. 

Last week, as we’ll all remember, Jordan was PISSED at just about everyone for not wearing socks or a tie, and yet, Jordan shows up in no tie, and then suddenly, he just strips down to his underwear? It’s very, uh, unnecessary. Jordan walks through the mansion in his boxer briefs and the men call him a “grape smuggler” which makes me LOL. He makes his way to interrupt David and Becca because of course. 

They sit down inside on a couch and Jordan tells her that he doesn’t want her to misinterpret him as “007” all the time. Literally wut. He says that his hair will always be pretty well kept, but he knows how to have fun. HOW ARE THESE THINGS MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. Basically Jordan spends his time telling Becca that he’s comfortable in his own skin. He also says that he’s “multidimensional” and not “just some guy with hair”. LOL. Becca manages to get out of there just barely having to touch Jordan. Good for her. 

Jordan and David have a small spat of which the main takeaway is just that Jordan says that wearing his underwear is not him trying to get attention. Lol. David, meanwhile, claims to be “very articulate” with his words - his words apparently include “ingenuinity”, you know, the classic not-a-word. 

It starts raining and Becca meets Colton who offers his jacket to cover her from the elements. They sit down and she’s still, like, not into this whole situation. He tells her that he respects her feelings about everything, but he wants to her to know that the reason that he’s here is because he wants to get to know Becca. She’s already emotional about their relationship and tells him that she sees something in him, but it’s hard for her because she doesn’t want to invest in this until she has more clarity. Then she says that if he senses her holding back, it’s because she is. Yeesh. 

Rose ceremony time! Congrats to: Chris R. (aka Chris), Jason (why), John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Ryan, Christon, Jordan, Lincoln, and Colton. Look, we knew Colton was going to be here for awhile because, as we’ve discussed, literally everything was spoiled in the super tease. Bai to Alex, Rickey, and Trent! I literally don’t remember any of you anyway! Alex starts crying and it’s all too emotional. 

Next week on The Bachelor: Football date! Chris R., aka Chris, gets a one-on-one, and TIA IS ON THE NEXT EPISODE. Also, someone gets taken away in an ambulance, but don’t worry it’s not Blake. TEAM BLAKE. See ya next week!