The Bachelor, Season 22: Week 5

Week 5 – we’re half way through and I’m writing this riding high after a Patriots loss. I’ll be very honest with you: every week I almost forget that this show is airing. Can we please get some quality Arie time? We all know Krystal is going home next week and then after that, what the heck am I supposed to care about??? Well, this week at least, Tia is falling in love, Chelsea is a mom in case we forgot, and literally everyone hates Krystal, including Arie. Let’s do it!

This week they’re in Fort Lauderdale, which is a very weird and not at all romantic location. Truly who was in charge of the route this year? Arie says that Fort Lauderdale is “a great place to fall in love”. Oh. Apparently things are starting to get real with some of the women, though, you wouldn’t know it from VIEWING THE SHOW. They somehow found 12 bikes for these women to ride around for likely far too long. Maybe just the transportation budget was low? They women bike up to the W Hotel where they are staying in the Penthouse suite. And now time for my yearly crisis in which I wonder how many beds these women are provided. SURELY NOT 12.

Arie walks in to meet up with the girls who are sitting on couches arranged in a U-shape®. He’s wearing so much blue that I’m earnestly wondering if his parents just never stopped picking out what they thought he would look cute in. Nothing is better than the women saying, “We rode bikes” and Arie responding with “Oh, that’s awesome.” When bikes are the most awesome part of your reality show, it may be time to drum up some more ideas. Speaking of boring things: there’s no date card for this first date – Arie literally just turns to her and says, “Chelsea, would you like to go on a date?” UGH. Chelsea says that she’s excited for Arie to get to know Chelsea, not the mom that he knows. Is there a difference?

They head out and end up at this insane yacht, which, they use only maybe 20 square feet of, and it’s great and they absolutely don’t deserve it. We stay with them for less than 30 seconds, it seems, and cut back to the women at the hotel. Lauren gets an interesting feature about how she’s nervous and let down that she didn’t get a one on one this week. She also feels like Arie didn’t even look at her when he walked in the room. Careful, Lauren, your crazy is showing. And then, SURPRISE, Maquel is back?!??! Honestly, why? I am genuinely shocked, usually when people leave for personal reasons, they take some time to, you know, deal with some personal stuff. They “fill her in” on what’s been going on by telling her that Chelsea is on a one-on-one right now and Maquel’s like, “Really?!” YEAH, GIRL, WHAT’D YOU THINK WOULD BE HAPPENING WHEN YOU GOT BACK?

We cut back to the yacht for perhaps the most nauseating line of all: “I’m on a dream boat with a dream boat!” GROSS. We quite quickly, again, leave the date to go back to the hotel where, once again, there are telescopes available for the women to spy. I haven’t seen this much spy gear used in a season of television maybe ever and I watch The Americans. Upon looking through the telescopes, the women realize that “they’re Titanic-ing!” also known as standing. It’s clear that Chelsea and Arie are trying to “Titanic”, but they’re quite an awkward pairing. Maquel is one of the telescope girls and weirdly they’ve removed her age from her title card. It’s almost as if they want us to forget that Maquel is only a year older than Bekah M. for some reason?! While I’m contemplating that move, Chelsea and Arie very haphazardly climb aboard the same jet ski so they can make out. It looks wholly unsafe.

Arie and Chelsea end up at a car museum for dinner, which I’ll admit, looks kinda fun. He says that he loves the fact that Chelsea is really strong and independent and also reveals that he treats Chelsea differently than the other women and has to be delicate. Basically, he doesn’t want to waste her time. This is a prime example of something that sounds really great and positive, but basically just means that he can’t be himself around her and he doesn’t like her that much and why am I wasting my time watching this date? They sit down and Arie is apparently still “curious” about Chelsea and she goes into the gritty details – she was apparently “drowning” in a life that seemed perfect. She didn’t grow up with much and her ex was older and successful and promised her the life she wanted. They got separated when their son was 6 months old after being together for 7 years. Her ex, also, just got married to the woman that he left her for, which is clearly rough. She goes on to say that although she has the least she’s ever had in life, she feels like she has everything. Including now, apparently, because she says that Arie was the one that made the day special, not the yacht or the environment.

Back at the W Hotel, the girls are still completely and totally shocked any time there’s a knock on the door. “Maquel, Krystal, Bekah M., Becca K., Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline, Lauren: there’s not a moment to spare…Arie” THAT MEANS OUR GIRL TIA GETS A ONE-ON-ONE. YAHS, GIRL.

After she’s poured her heart to Arie, he tells Chelsea that he’s impressed with her and would never waste a moment of her time. He loves her perspective and is really proud that she’s here. Now, other recappers who are not me would likely make fun of this statement, but as someone who’s proud of everyone literally all the time, I 100% understand what he’s saying. I’m actually most annoyed that I don’t hate Chelsea anymore, it was so much easier when I did. He gives her a rose and they head up to yet ANOTHER private concert, but we literally never find out who the singer is? I think Chelsea says it’s like “Camilla Arts” or something like that, but they literally never display her name so I don’t care and I’m moving on. Chelsea gets way into the lyrics and basically just the whole experience and it’s so obvious that she’s going to get her heart crushed into a million tiny pieces while Arie rides away with a youngin.

For this second date, they’re bowling and for god knows what reason, they’re underscoring the introduction to this date with Latin music? It’s quite jarring. Also, truly no idea why, but Arie LICKS A PUBLIC BOWLING BALL. Horrifying. The girls walk into the bowling alley and Arie just goes “We’re bowling today.” NO SHIT. They get some beer and bowl a little and I’m taken by the mere moment I got to see of Arie and Becca K. together who seem very natural and I’m rooting for them now. Jenna is still a crazy ass bitch and I don’t know why she’s still here, but she’s bending over backwards and going crazy and is just a true wildcard. Krystal, meanwhile, won’t stop talking about how it’s “interesting” being on a group date because people are fighting for his attention. I mean, that literally might be the smartest thing she’s ever said.

Arie tells them that they’ll pick teams and whichever team wins will get to go to the cocktail party that night, the other team will just go home. LAME. The teams they choose are very random, as are the preselected team names: The Pin-Ups versus the Spare Roses. I love that the producers just heard a single word that had to do with bowling and added some other words around it and called it a day. It’s not at all a fair fight and the Spare Roses are kicking ass. They’re screaming SO loud and The Pin-Ups look pathetic and it’s all over in a matter of moments. Or so we think. Krystal, who happens to be on the winning team wants to toast to “not breaking each other down, but lifting each other up”. I’m confused about this toast because it’s just right after they won and what does it have to do with anything? The other team, which Bekah M., Kendall, Lauren, and a couple others are on, is just annoyed with Krystal’s celebration. They’re “bummed out” that Krystal will get more time with Arie tonight. BUT WAIT. Arie grabs the losers and gathers everyone together to say that he doesn’t think it’s fair that only half of them will get to go to a cocktail party, so he just goes ahead and invites everyone. Everyone’s excited, except Krystal who loses. her. shit.

We see everyone walk back into the hotel and Krystal gets some dramatic music underscoring her tantrum. Apparently on the bus on the way back, Krystal freaked out and called Arie a liar and some other bad things and just generally acted like a child. She says that “the other team didn’t win, he took back his word, he didn’t consult us.” Wut. It’s such an insane reason to throw a fit, I’ll tell you right now I’m going to have a hard time not laughing at literally everything she’ll say for the rest of the episode. Krystal is so angry that she’s decided not to go to the after party – the rest of the women are just watching her have this freak out and they’re like “okay, well, what should we tell Arie when he notices that you’re not there?” She literally just wants them to tell Arie that he was disrespectful to Team Blue. LOL. First, LOL’ing at the request and secondly, LOL’ing at the fact that she didn’t remember her team name from a mere hour ago. I love Kendall who is just like “You’re mad because you wanted to spend more time with him, but now you’re not spending any time with him because you’re mad about it.” Bachelor Nation is confused entirely.

Krystal says that her stuff is packed, which, I highly doubt, but okay. The rest of the women head downstairs and leave Krystal in her robe to sulk. Arie meets them downstairs and sits down in the middle of them and says “We’re all here”. “We’re NOT all here.” Don’t know who actually said it, but it was genius. I love that Arie fully didn’t even realize that Krystal was missing, too. If their connection was really as strong as Krystal thinks it is, I think he would have noticed her just fully missing from a date. The rest of the girls tell Arie that Krystal apparently said some unkind things about him including calling him a liar. “Man, well, that’s awkward.” TRU. After hearing this, Arie randomly decides that the right thing to do is check on her? I think we can agree to disagree on this one. While he marches up the stairs, the women are incredibly frustrated because Krystal is literally getting exactly what she wants. YUP.

Arie makes it to the Penthouse to find Krystal who says that she does not feel okay. She thinks that her and her teammates were disrespected. “Yeah, but it’s just bowling.” “It wasn’t just that and you know that.” Quite honestly, I don’t think anyone but you knows that, Krystal. I’m confused by Arie’s approach in this conversation, though – he says that whatever she is saying up here could have been said to him downstairs, which is true, but then, like, why are you giving her the opportunity to talk to you right now? He pulls the “copules can’t run away from fights” cards and tells Krystal that he’s pulling back. He genuinely looks so pissed, I think not because of the actual situation so much, but more because the producers have made him keep her for literally half of the season and he’s done with it.

He heads back downstairs, without Krystal, and tells the women that he just wants to relax and shake that off for the rest of the night. Alrighty. Kendall steals him first and reveals that one of her biggest fears is that she’s never been in a relationship with someone she’s wanted to marry. Okay? She’s apparently had a string of relationships that last 8-10 months that get very physical very fast. She says that this experience has actually made her take the relationship very slowly, which I think is the first time those words have ever been uttered in this context ever. I love that the second she tells Arie that she wants to let go emotionally, rather than just get physical right away, they just start making out.

Arie and Bekah M. head out onto the roof and Arie asks her if she has any doubts. OMG ENOUG WITH THIS QUESTION. Bekah calls him out ever so slightly for continuing to ask her that. They make out, as they do, and he says that with Bekah M., there’s a lot of passion, but he keeps coming back to the fact that she’s 22. Same. Becca K., meanwhile, says that she still smells like a bowling ball. That doesn’t stop Arie from taking her to his room. YES. She says that she was his first date and she plans to be his last. GOOD PLAN, I SUPPORT THIS PLAN. Arie wanted to give Becca a little something extra – “You gotta kiss the hell outta me.” “Oh, I can do that.”

Unfortunately, we have to cut back to Krystal who is now applying makeup because Arie going up to talk to her shows that he’s invested in the relationship? Hmm. She’s clearly getting ready to go join them downstairs while we see an extended scene of Bekah M.’s Krystal impression. I mean, we can all agree that Bekah M. is just a straight up bully, no? Whether or not it’s funny is beside the point, if you’re really as mature as you say you are, girl, just let annoying people be annoying, you don’t have to make fun of them for 5 straight weeks. Just as Bekah is finishing the fake Krystal prayer, wouldn’t ya know, Ms. Krystal herself walks up to join them all.

Krystal sits down and wants to take a second to say something – she wants to say that her feelings were really hurt. Cool. Kendall asks if she told Arie everything that she said about Arie to Arie, Seinne wants to know what Krystal is trying to do, and Lauren just wants to know what her feelings are toward Arie. All genuine questions, none of which will be answered, of course. Lauren kind of freaks out and runs away crying leaving the other women to confront Krystal. Bekah the Bully calls out Krystal for also going back on her word – she said she wasn’t going to come tonight, and yet here she is, how is that any different than what Arie did? Krystal felt like it would be “the right thing to do” to come join the party, but clearly it wasn’t so BAI KRYSTAL. It could have been very much more dramatic, but it wasn’t and it’s over and let’s all move on.

Lauren and Arie sit down to play 21 Questions, apparently a variation on the globally popular “20 Questions”. I’m not positive that Lauren has a personality, but I do think this is an effective use of her time. Arie’s favorite color is blue while her favorite color is burgundy?!?!?!??!?!!??!?!??!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!??!?!??!?! NO. He likes his eggs over easy with a side of wheat toast, she likes her coffee with coconut milk, while he likes his with cream and sugar. Then we get deep – he asks her what she’s scared of and she says that she’s scared she’ll fall for him and he’ll choose someone else. His biggest fear is that he’ll choose someone that isn’t right for him. Were this conversation between any other pairing, I might be very excited, but I think Lauren might be a boring person and I’m glad I know these things about him, but let’s move on.

The two of them join the rest of the women and he picks up the rose and gives his classic speech about many women to whom he will not give the rose. He just says Maquel’s name, he’s happy that Kendall stuck up for him, but he really enjoyed his conversation with Lauren so she gets the rose. I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t like Lauren it’s just that, is there anything of substance to actually like or dislike? She’s Switzerland!

Finally time for Tia’s date! They’re in the Everglades and Arie says that this is a country date for a country girl. The two of them climb onto a swamp boat and boat around for a while and Tia says that view is “amazing”. View of what? They do actually run across some actual alligators and it’s very terrifying and I didn’t like it one bit. Somehow, they find a way to turn the gators into a metaphor about how “love can be terrifying, but it’s a crazy adventure.” Lol. They end up at this cabin place with this old, old man who built this over 10 years. I have absolutely no idea who this man is or why he’s showing them frog legs, but it is quite an interesting date. Arie and Tia sit down and she tells him what frog gigging is, which I only know about because my best friend is from rural Kentucky and taught me about the horrific sport of frog gigging. SOUTHERN CHILDREN HAVE NOTHING GOOD TO DO.

Tia tells Arie that she lives in the city now, but she does just like a simple life. They talk briefly about the engine on the swamp boat, aka the most romantic topic of all. I love that Tia says the more she gets to know him, the less she can see him racing. Savage. After awhile, they, and I, realize that they’re sitting on this random man’s porch swing. I hope sincerely that he was just standing at a window staring at them for the better part of an hour. This had to be the most excitement he’s had in literally decades.

They go to dinner at what I’m concerned is this same man’s house, but ends up being this old nautical antique place. I have absolutely no idea where or why they found this place. Why the hell are they in Florida this week?! I am not loving Tia’s dress, which actually is a romper according to her Instagram, but she is, objectively, pulling it off. I had forgotten, but Tia is a straight up DOCTOR and I’m proud of her. See?? I can be proud of anyone! She tells Arie that she doesn’t picture herself ending up in Arkansas. Arie goes on this weird tangent of being at his brother’s wedding and the stars aligning and I’ve never heard so much about a sibling’s wedding maybe ever.

Tia wants to know if Arie feels like there’s a higher power leading him to where he is – he says he doesn’t, the decisions he’s made have led him to where he is. She tells him that her faith is important to her, so naturally he asks her if she could ever be married to someone that doesn’t share her faith. She’s a star and says that she could as long as she understands the other person’s perspective. Yes, Tia, I’m loving these answers. She goes on to talk about her “type”, which is basically bad guys that she thinks she can fix. In the past, she says she’s chosen people based on what she thought she deserved and then she starts crying because this all feels like a fairy tale and she’s falling in love with him! Arie tells her that she has to look at him when she says that so she looks him straight in the eye again and Arie says, “You are?” GROSS RESPONSE, ARIE. He’s been hanging around Krystal too long.

She gets the rose and he tells her that he values her, which is maybe the most romantic thing he’s said up to this point. He feels most himself around her and then they start making out this time against a pole! She says she’s been waiting for him to push her against something. LOL.

Cocktail party time! Everyone says that it’s “inappropriate” for Krystal to still be here, which is not what that word means, but okay. Krystal says that yesterday, she wasn’t hiding in her room she was “investing in herself”. DED. WILL NEVER RECOVER. LOL. All of the girls sit down and have to listen to her talk about how challenging this week has been for her and Arie. Despite that, she apparently has no regrets? Everyone just stares at her in complete silence. MEANWHILE, Arie thinks this is working and he’s having a really great time! LOL. He joins the women and Kendall, again, grabs him first.

They sit down and she pulls out a book she’s made that has 100 questions. Can we get this book published, please? She tells him to pick a number between 1 and 100 and he picks 99 because that was his first race number. “If you were with a tribe that ate human meat, would you try it?” He instantly says no and she says she would because she’s curious. Lol. While the taxidermist talks about cannibalism, Krystal is hanging out on a balcony listening to Bekah the Bully talking shit about her. I’m actually with Krystal on this one: is there really nothing else for them to talk about? Krystal walks in to confront them and says that she’d love to just talk to people one-on-one rather than have them talk in a giant group about her. Kendall is the first to say she’d love to talk to her.

Kendall starts the conversation by saying that it’s valid for Krystal to be upset, but Kendall is a protector so she felt protective of Arie when Krystal was flipping out. She says that there is a disconnect between how Krystal is acting and how much she says she’s falling in love with him. Tru. Bekah the Bully is still gossiping about Krystal without her there and says that she “can’t accept apologies that continually lack remorse”. Those are a lot of medium size words that don’t add up to anything. Tia tries to interrupt the Kendall conversation, but Krystal literally just won’t face her. Like, physically, will not turn to her. Basically Kendall says that Krystal is allowed to feel emotions, obviously, but so are they at Krystal freaking out and being a bitch. At this point, Bekah walks up to Krystal alone and just says “I’m asking you, like, why are you still here?” This was likely a powerful moment for those who love Bekah, but for me, I was just like, eh, I’m over it.

We come back from commercial and there’s actual airtime for Jacqueline! She’s apparently infatuated and feels like her and Arie make sense! Well isn’t that wonderful? That lasts approximately 15 seconds before we head back to see what’s going on with Bekah and Krystal. Bekah thinks that everything Krystal has ever said has only been about herself and then she’s just done and leaves and it’s a whole bunch of nothing. Krystal, in her confessional, says that she “tried to be nice” by “allowing” the girls to pull her aside and talk to her. SUCH A SAINT.

Krystal talks to Arie finally and she tells him that she’s grateful that he came up to her room. Arie apparently thinks that Krystal knows him better than anyone else in the room because she’s been to his home, met his dog, met his family. He needs her to be thoughtful and think through some of the reactions she has and that the reaction she did have set them back a few steps. She tells him that her response was “out of character”, which is potentially the biggest lie of all time. And then, oh, and then, there’s BOWLING TRAUMA. MY GOD. Apparently Krystal “grew up in a bowling alley” because that’s where her mom worked and her mom would date people that would follow through on promises and all of this took place in a bowling alley?????? I wish we had a dramatic reenactment of this. She says that “this is hard” for the millionth time and Arie tells her that if she thinks this is hard, after the show she’ll find it ten times as hard. YUP. “This is our first fight.” “It could be our last fight.” YOU TELL HER, ARIE. Literally he hates her.

Rose ceremony time! Krystal gets a short confessional about how she thinks their conversation went and she says that she showed Arie “futuristic”???? There’s only slightly more context in the actual show, like, I have no idea what she’s talking about. Anyway, congrats to: Bekah M., Seinne, Kendall, Becca K., Jacqueline, Jenna (WHY), and Krystal. Bai to Ashley, Marikh, and Maquel. Maquel walks up to him and Arie apologies that it “didn’t move fast enough”. Lol, she was gone for a week. Marikh is very sad leaving and maybe Ashley is too, but we don’t really see it so bai!

Next week on The Bachelor: Paris! Bekah’s age comes up again, Lauren gets a one-on-one, Jacqueline is scared, and unfortunately Krystal is still there. She doesn’t consider anyone to be competition, and you know the two-on-one is about to go down. See ya then!

The Bachelor, Season 22: Week 4

Did the producers just accidentally give Krystal Olivia Caridi’s old script from Ben’s season? I mean, look, we all know how this will end: Krystal will be on a two-on-one week 6 with someone she hates (probably Tia at this point) and get sent home. WE’VE. SEEN. IT. BEFORE. PRODUCERS. I guess I’m mostly annoyed because we’re already 4 weeks in and no one likes Arie yet. Not really any of the girls and definitely not any of my friends who did not watch Emily’s season. Oh well, we shall persevere and recap everything that went down on this Krystal episode. By the way, I’ve found an amazing coping mechanism to deal with her vocal damage – MUTE. HER. Just kidding. I would if I could. Let’s do it!

We’re at the mansion and Bekah jumps into the pool alone, which is a perfect excuse for Caroline, Chelsea, Becca, and Jenna to talk about if Bekah is really ready to get married. Bekah and Arie are apparently 14 years apart in age, which, you know, we’re smarties and we can do the math (also look up basically any Refinery 29 article about this season and they’ve spoiled it already). I’ve had lots of long conversations about this age difference, and I have many thoughts, some which I will share throughout this recap – but we gotta address the baby elephant in the room: literally a majority of these women are more than 10 years younger than Arie. I get why it’s a big deal, but why is it a big deal to them??? Meanwhile, Krystal is proud of Arie for sending Lauren S. home. Wait, that was only a week ago? Krystal also brings up, again, that she is the “voice of reason and the voice of reality”. GURL, YOU ARE THE VOICE OF A RECENT NODES REMOVAL SURGERY PATIENT.

All of the girls are sitting together in the main room when Chris Harrison walks in and tells that that it’s “hard to believe there’s only 15 of them left”. It is certainly not hard to believe. He tells all of the girls that there won’t be a date today in Los Angeles because Arie is already gone. OOH. They’re going to meet him in South Lake Tahoe! That’s actually fun, I think that’s a wonderful choice for location. While they’re all packing up, we learn that Bekah is the messy one – IS IT BECAUSE SHE’S YOUNG?!? Jenna, the craziest bitch there ever was, wants a one-on-one. Mmk.

They get to Tahoe and I’m DYING because apparently Arie is staying at the Hard Rock Hotel. I mean, truly, WHY. There are so many other places they could have housed him. The girls get to their cabin, which is not at the Hard Rock Hotel, and they’re all exploring and everyone can see that Kendall loves it because there’s a lot of taxidermy. LOL. Is the requirement for anywhere the girls stay that there be couches in a “U” configuration? I mean, surely production can bring their own couches to accomplish this, but likely they’re looking for pre-U-shaped configurations? Anyway, there’s a knock on the cabin door and Bekah goes to get the date card while saying that she hopes she gets a one-on-one this week because there’s “so much” that Arie doesn’t know about. LIKE HOW OLD YOU ARE MAYBE?!?!??!?! CAN WE BRING IT UP AGAIN, PLZ?! Anyway: “Seinne: Let’s let our love soar…Arie” Oooh! That’s a surprise, but I’m into it.

Seinne is nervous because the last one-on-one that Arie had, he sent the girl home. TRU. Arie walks into the cabin and IMMEDIATELY takes off his jacket and says that he’ll “hang out for awhile”. Doesn’t he have shit to do? Apparently it’s going to be a fun week ahead with a “lotta outdoor stuff going on”. Such an eloquent man. He and Seinne head out, after he checks that she brought warm clothes – spoiler alert: it absolutely does not matter how warm her clothes are for this date – and they ride in truly the largest red truck there ever has been. While I’m contemplating how tiny little Seinne got hoisted up into that truck, Caroline is wondering if Arie and Seinne really have any romance between them. Valid. Krystal, on the other hand says: “Seinne’s on a date today and she’s probably going home tonight.” L O FRIGGEN L, KRYSTAL.

There are so many things I’ll never get over in this episode, but maybe none more so than the producers having given all of the girls binoculars to use and one of them saying “this tree looks so close”. YEAH, GURL, IT’S BINOCULARS. It’s interesting to me that Caroline and Chelsea seem to be friends – makes me like Chelsea more, tbh. Anyway, the girls spot Arie and Seinne and they’re parasailing, which they truly never intro’d, we literally had to deduce from the binocular girls’ discussion. We finally zoom in to the actual date and the boat that they’re on is literally just called Parasail? The only other boat naming practice it reminds me of is when Pacey Witter restores a boat for him and Joey to use and literally names it “True Love”. Like, can we have some creativity in the boat naming department??? They make a lot of connections between parasailing and love and it’s perfectly fine.

They get off the boat and sit in this little patch of grass and have a picnic – Seinne, in her confessional says that she can’t use the “L Word” yet because it would be too much. Uh, yeah, I hope you’re not there yet. They talk about how Arie’s younger brother got married in Holland in a castle with a moat around it. He says it so casually, I’m almost convinced it’s normal. He tells her that in the 10 to 20 second chat he had with Seinne on the first night, he felt like he knew more about her than the other girls. Man, you know as a viewer that they do really only get a few seconds, but to hear it out loud is CONCERNING. He also tells her that she’s a good kisser – she says that their “love” is in sync and that she wants to “let love soar”. SO MANY PARASAILING PUNS AND PREMATURE DECLARATIONS OF LOVE.

Back at the cabin, Maquel gets a call from her mom and learns that her grandpa has passed away – she, of course, decides to go home and be with her family. Marikh seems to think that maybe Arie will allow her to come back? Uh, have you ever watched UnReal? Of COURSE she can’t come back.

Another date card – “Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany, Caroline: Will our love survive?...Arie” Statistically: no. That means little tiny infant Bekah M. gets a one-on-one. Krystal learns of this, probably because someone told her, not because she deduced, and says that she’s not sure why Arie gave Bekah a one-on-one because she’s so young. Literally how does one have to do with another. Krystal thinks that Bekah is still finding her identity. I mean, I hate to say that Krystal’s right, but she is, but also why the hell does that matter in this scenario?

Seinne and Arie head to dinner at THE HARD ROCK CAFÉ. I WILL NEVER RECOVER. I’M STILL CACKLING. I have no idea how, but they managed to have a relatively serious conversation in the HARD ROCK CAFÉ. Seinne says that her parents struggled in love and that as a black woman, she never heard stories about girls who look like her finding their happy ending. YAHS. She wants to know why Arie thinks he hasn’t been in love in 5 years – he tells her that he feels like he dated people he knew weren’t ready for marriage and he just wasn’t putting himself in a position to meet someone. Was it that or that he didn’t put himself in a position to meet someone on TV? We may never know. Seinne tells Arie that at 14 she felt like she was never going to have love and that at a young age, she learned that love is hard. She reiterates that she didn’t have something to look at and say that could be her love story. Was she older or younger than Bekah is now when she learned this? Arie says that he’s impressed by her and, again, knows her from just the first few seconds of meeting her. He grabs the rose and says “I know you said that growing up you didn’t see many love stories with people that looked like you” – uh, yeah, she quite literally just said that, bud. He gives her the rose and they both say that they think this could be their love story. Well, wow, that was unexpected and sudden. I like Seinne a lot, but I’m with Caroline: is there really romance between them?

She grabs her rose and they exit the HARD ROCK CAFÉ, or really, they just go into the ballroom of the HARD ROCK CAFÉ, to find Lanco. Who in the hell is Lanco? They’re an objectively bad band, whoever they are. The production team has gathered an enormous amount of people to come to the HARD ROCK CAFÉ and watch Arie be the worst dancer of all time. I like Seinne, but I did not love this date.

Time for the group date and all of these women are walking through the forest in flannel scarves. No wonder I had a hard time finding one to purchase a few months ago. Krystal, outfitted in, wouldn’t you know it, a flannel scarf, says that she knows Arie knows she’s secure. You sure about that? Arie meets all of the girls and addresses Maquel’s departure quickly and then tells them that they’re going for a hike. Alright, that seems okay. Kendall is excited and says that this kind of stuff was made for her – then she gets very unwoke and says that dates like “shopping” would be better for the other girls. Yeesh.

So instead of starting their hike, they meet up with these survival guides who are married maybe? They’re very intense whoever they are – Caroline is pulling the best faces and Marikh thinks they might die today. Apparently, the first rule of survival is that they have to drink their own pee???? Truly WHY?!?!!?! All of the girls are given a bottle and go find a spot in the woods to go pee into this bottle in order for them to be able to drink their pee. OMG. It’s so horrifying and awful and I do not know why this happened. Once everyone is back from peeing, they say that Arie’s going to go first and he literally takes a BIG OLE swig and then spits out this yellow liquid. It’s so unbelievably disgusting I wanted to vomit. Tia is impressed that he did that? GROSS. Jacqueline is just about to start drinking when Arie reveals that he actually was just drinking apple juice. WHY. DID. THIS. HAPPEN.

The next “activity” they do – what happened to the hike? – is eating worms. I’ve never been more upset by a date. Tia and Kendall are very excited to eat the worms, and they do, and it’s gross. Krystal, meanwhile, feels “out of her element” and keeps saying that some of the girls look desperate. Krystal may feel out of her element, but Kendall takes every opportunity to grab Arie and make out with him in the forest. She may be unwoke, but she knows what she’s doing. Good for her. Krystal says that she “just observed Kendall pull him aside and steal a kiss”. Lol, YAH, that’s the show, KRYSTAL.

Okay so now that they’ve drunk piss and eaten worms, time for the hike we were promised forever ago. Weirdly, everyone is split up into different teams? This is the most delayed and confusing hike I’ve ever seen. Arie ends up on one of the teams, which is, objectively not fair for everyone else. Apparently they all have to take different routes to get to the same place. Honestly just seems unnecessary, but whatever. This hike actually ends up being rather entertaining – Marikh in the wilderness is incredible to watch and literally everyone just looks slightly miserable. They found yet another way to yell his name into the abyss, which I’m not pleased with. Krystal feels more at ease in this smaller group, like okay. Eventually all of three groups make it to this cool hotel place that’s basically carved into the side of the mountain. It’s the Mount Rushmore of hotels. They’re all in a hot tub and Arie and Kyrstal are sitting together and directly across from them are Tia and Caroline just making fun of them. It’s amazing. Krystal is not on board, though. Krystal, in her confessional, says that they were “making Arie uncomfortable”. Do we think Krystal has the physical capability to laugh? I would love to take her to a standup or improv show and just wait for her to lean over to me and whisper, “What’d he say?”.

Tonight, during the cocktail party, is Arie’s opportunity to get to know these women on a deeper level. Arie says that today was his favorite group date, which is cool. Krystal says that it was “exhausting” to watch these big personalities all day. What does that even mean? She decides she wants to bring it up with Arie and says that whatever she ends ups saying she has a “feeling it’s going to be perfect”. Funny, I have the exact opposite feeling. I’m very into the champagne flutes this hotel place has, they’re so fancy and substantial. Arie steals Lauren first and she tells him that she’s trying her best to be open. She kind of asks what Arie is looking for in a wife and he basically just wants a woman with a flexible schedule? He clarifies it by saying that he wants an independent woman. Uh, cool? Lauren says that she wants a relationship in which they’re still spanking each other when they’re old. I feel like she’s skipping a lot of steps in between there. Arie is very attracted to her and says that they have good chemistry. I’d mostly agree with that.

I’m very interested in the next conversation between Arie and Kendall because Arie like absolutely LOVES Kendall. It’s so interesting, I never would have thought. Kendall tells Arie that it’s really important for her to date someone who challenges her. I’m not sure he would, but okay. He’s still very interested in learning about the taxidermy. LOL. Apparently she brought Ping with her, who is a dead duckling. “He’s the best traveller ever.” “I’m sure, he’s not alive!” This is the Arie I love. They make out for awhile which is just very fascinating to me, I almost feel like they have the best physical chemistry. He says that she is extremely quirky, but very sexy and a surprise every step of the way.

Marikh is sitting talking with a few girls, including Krystal, and says that Kendall is definitely getting the rose because she ate the most bugs. Lol. Krystal tells everyone that she “felt challenged because it was such a big group date”. Okay. She then goes on to say that the girls are obnoxiously overbearing with their need to be seen. Ah yes, Pot, meet Krystal the Kettle. She, again, says that these women just don’t know who they are. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a more classic case of projection. Marikh stands her ground and says: “Just because my personality doesn’t show in a group setting doesn’t mean I don’t have one.” YES. YES. A MILLION TIMES YES. I’ll say that I have no idea what this was in reference to and wasn’t a great retort to the actual conversation at hand, but the sentiment is amazing! Chelsea has an incredible Krystal impression, Caroline thinks Krystal is being insensitive, and Tia’s Krystal reaction face is out of this world. They all agree that Krystal is approaching this like a competition, which is NOT COOL.

Krystal and Arie sit down and she tells him that she’s a mix of emotions. She feels really happy and excited, but it’s so hard because she got a one-on-one early and she feels like there’s a target on her back. LOL. While they’re talking, Tia and Caroline are cementing their place as the JoJo and Becca Tilley of the season and I love them. Krystal decides to tell Arie about Tia and Caroline making a joke that he was present for? She thinks that people are threatened by her, and Arie’s like “well, you’re so beautiful”. Either Arie is the dumbest shit ever or he literally knows that’s the only thing that will shut her up. It’s one of the most annoying conversations to date.

As Krystal goes back to join the rest of the girls, she says that she’s “floored” with the insecurities. Kindly stop, Krystal. She goes up to Tia and Caroline and asks to talk to them. Uh oh, this is going to be a mess. The three of them go up and sit like in a little loft thing and Krystal tells them that she feel likes her ass was handed to her. Truly what does that even mean. Tia is not putting up with it and tells Krystal that she makes everyone else feel uncomfortable. Tia wants to know if Krystal spent her entire time with Arie talking about Tia and Caroline – she then goes on to say that when other people are doing better than Krystal, she breaks down. TRU. Tia doesn’t think Krystal is even aware of how she makes everyone else feel and she’s feeling like her character is being attacked. Caroline like sorta kinda makes an effort to at least talk to Krystal, but Tia’s not about it and just walks away and ends up talking with Arie.

 Tia does her best to not dwell on the dumb drama happening, but she starts to cry because she feels comfort with Arie, but it worries her that other people are feeling that too. He tells her to have faith because he has a plan. I want to know the plan! Tia wants more than just surface level attraction and says that he’s a “good dude” and that’s why she’s falling for him. YES, TIA. Tia and Arie meet up with the rest of the girls and TIA GETS THE GROUP DATE ROSE. YOU GO GIRL. Krystal, of course, is confused by the group date rose, but now I’m more convinced that Arie just told her she was beautiful to shut her up. So that’s good at least.

Back at the cabin, Chelsea, who is apparently friends with everyone, sits down with Krystal to talk about whether or not Bekah wants a stable relationship. Krystal promptly changes the subject to herself and tells Chelsea and she’s really proud of herself for overcoming all of those challenges yesterday. HAH OKAY. She thinks that she comes across as “flawless” and feels misunderstood. Ever wanted to jump through your television screen and slap a bitch?

We cut to Bekah and Arie who are going to go horseback riding through the forest and it looks very beautiful. Arie says that Bekah is very different than the women he’s dated in the past – good to know he’s yet to date children. At the cabin, Jacqueline says that she sees a lot of herself in Bekah in that they’re both “experience junkies”. I would literally never describe Jacqueline that way, but okay. We see like four other conversations at the cabin all about how Bekah is too young to want to settle down right now, I’m OVER IT.

Bekah and Arie ride up to one of those fake hot tubs that they’ve used for the last few seasons now, which is essentially a barrel with boiling hot water. According to Bekah and Arie, the “flow of their conversation” is natural – they talk about one of his injuries and how their first kiss was surprising for both of them. At the cabin, Chelsea compares Bekah’s age to being a mother. I’M SO CONFUSED. Caroline is convinced that the second Arie finds out how old Bekah is, he’s going to send her home. Surely I’m mixing up the order of these situations, but Arie and Bekah end up at dinner and Arie tells her, essentially, that he wants to make sure they’re doing more than just making out all the time. He keeps asking her if he wants to get married or if she’s been in a situation that was heading in that direction. She says that she’s never been in the right time with the right person, yet, but OF COURSE SHE HASN’T SHE’S A CHILD.

It’s clear that they’re about to broach the subject of her age and she looks genuinely terrified – he starts talking about how, as he’s gotten older, he prefers to stay in more and more. He asks her if she likes to go out a lot, and she doesn’t say no, but she does describe waking up early to go rock climbing. I’m going to take that as a giant “yes, I like to go out a lot”. PS, her Instagram would back up that assumption – her handle is literally @whats_ur_sign and it makes me uncomfortable and v uncool to look at. I’m a mere three years older than her, but her brand is very young and it stresses me out. She’s the one that finally says, “Wait, do you know how old I am”? He says no and she’s about to tell him, but first she says that she doesn’t want him to see her through the lens of her age. So this is where my major conflict lies. As someone who is a young person and does not really like that she is a young person, I connect with this on such a deep level. It frustrates me that someone knowing my age might influence their perception of me, but at the same time, like, your age is your age. I’ve had literally only 25 years of experience in life, there’s so much I haven’t done or seen or experienced. So, I’m on the fence here. Does a 14 year age difference mean an immediate end to the relationship? Of course not. But does this 14 year age difference mean the immediate end of this relationship? Probably not, but it’s certainly bringing up some questions.

Time for the reveal:

Bekah M.: I’m 22.

Arie: OH MY GOD.

I think it was the exact reaction we were all hoping for. He’s immediately freaked out – he knew that she was young, but his biggest concern is if she’s ready or not. Instantly, he starts thinking about all of the problems that will come up. For a guy who seems to have a thing for single moms, this is a definite swing in the other direction. She hasn’t even had time to have a relationship with someone her age, let alone make an informed decision to want to settle down. He straight up says that he’s afraid they might be too far apart. She can see he’s freaking out and gives all these examples of people in her family getting married super young – he knows that it’s possible to love deeply at that age, but he’s afraid that she can’t commit. Same. Look, I like Bekah, but like I said last week, she thinks she’s cool and that concerns me. Has a cool person ever been ready to get married?

It’s a relatively long conversation about his fears that he’ll emotionally invest in her and then in the end he’ll be heartbroken. He wants to know that she’s lived enough life to get married – she’s apparently “so damn ready” to settle down, get married, and have a family. He, on the other hand, is not here for a 22 year old girlfriend. YEESH again. It’s a very concerning date, but, of course, he gives her the rose because he thinks she’s incredible and surprising and all of the things that he’s looking for. Then comes perhaps the most controversial moment of the night when he kisses her and PUTS HIS HANDS THROUGH HER HOOPS TO KISS HER. THE NATION, NAY THE WORLD, IS SCREAMING. I have such mixed feelings. UGH.

Time for the cocktail party, or so we think – Becca thinks this will be a more intense rose ceremony because of all the drama. Seinne is rocking a jumpsuit as they all walk up to this weird castle place – they sit down in the trademarked U of couches and Krystal tells everyone that she doesn’t feel as confident going into the rose ceremony tonight. She wants to give Arie confirmation that she’s excited to be there – Kendall says that it seems “cheesy” when Krystal does speeches. YAH. In walks…CHRIS HARRISON. OH MY GOD, THE MOST SHOCKING THING EVER: THERE WON’T BE A COCKTAIL PARTY. Only interesting part of this “twist” is watching Krystal’s face fall by the second. Chris Harrison tells Arie that, “to say they were shocked and dismayed is a gross understatement”. I hate to say it, but I’d have to wholeheartedly disagree.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME. Arie didn’t want to waste the time of the women who he is about to send home – Tahoe has given him clarity and excitement because he knows love is here. Congrats to: JUST KIDDING KRYSTAL HAS TO TALK TO HIM. Like I said, this is a classic Olivia Caridi move. Krystal and Arie walk somewhere else while the rest of the girls just fully sit down. I really, truly, could not hear a single word that Krystal was saying to Arie and I care so absolutely little that I made no effort to try and figure it out. Likely something about how she’s so confident in what they have. LOL. The rest of the girls are all just like “sEND HER THE EFF HOME”. Here’s hoping.

NOW congrats to: Lauren, Kendall, Ashley, Becca K., Chelsea, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh, and Kyrstal. Bai to Caroline and Brittany. I’m SO PISSED and so is Tia that Caroline’s going home. Like we were JUST getting to some comedy gold and now half of the dynamic duo is gone? Well, just goes to show that my final predictions were wildly off and now I don’t know what the heck is about to happen the rest of the season. Brittany seemed cool and I’m also a little sad she’s leaving. Not as sad as Caroline leaving, but still.

Before we get to next week, I must, I mean, MUST talk about the tag after the previews – Chelsea was glamshaming Marikh. Chelsea is a former model. The reason Marikh was brushing her hair was because it looked like shit. Chelsea, for the record, is and always has been pro glam. Oh my god. This was potentially the greatest Bachelor franchise conversation in history. I was DYING.

NEXT WEEK on The Bachelor: They’re in Fort Lauderdale! Seems extremely rude given that Caroline is from there, but okay. Chelsea makes out on a jetski, Tia gets a one-on-one, Arie is worried about choosing the right person, and Krystal puts ARIE’S character in question??? I CAN’T WAIT.

The Bachelor, Season 22: Week 3

Look, I know the chatter - most of you think this season is capitol B Boring. Well, I’ve got some news for you all - IT’S ALWAYS BORING FOR THE FIRST 3 WEEKS BUT IF YOU MISS IT THE LAST 7 WEEKS WON’T BE AS FUN. Arie is objectively not great on camera, but the guy’s trying, and every week the editors have figured out to show him as little as possible. This week, he was barely there, in fact. Like I’ve always said: boring bachelor, dramatic girls and vice versa. Just thank your lucky stars it’s not Juan-uary any more. IT’S BEEN WORSE, FOLKS. Even if you give up half way through this season, just know I will be here for you, writing weekly recaps that are longer than most essays I wrote in college so that you don’t feel like you missed a beat. Let’s jump in!

Everyone is physically and emotionally drained. Y’all. It is WEEK 3. I love that literally three dates in, the girls are just over it. You can already tell there’s about to be a new breakdown every single second. Bibiana, who broke down last week, says that she’s “obviously” not a girl to mess with. I said it last week, and I’ll say it again, I really, really want to love Bibiana. But her whole shtick of being a strong, independent woman is not passing the smell test for me. I want her to be everything she claims to be, but the amount of complaining about a lot of shit that is fully in her control is a bit grating to me. Also Krystal says that she’s not one to back away from confrontations. Cool? Anyway, Chris Harrison walks in and reminds everyone that there’s 18 of them left which means that not all of them can go on dates. Also, according to him, the Golden Rule is “time is precious”. I mean, there’s literally a well known Golden Rule that is not that, but okay. This week, there will be three dates - two group dates and one 1-on-1. 

Chris sets down the first date card for the week and then spouts off another quote “Behind every man is a very strong woman” - this date, apparently, will put that to the test. OkaYY??? “Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah M., Bibiana, Krystal: It’s all about the ring. - Arie” Literally every single one of these women knows it’s going to be fighting of some kind. Usually they’ll cut to at least one person who’s like “I have no idea what it could be!!!!!!” Either they’ve really dumbed down the date cards or the producers figured out that we don’t care if no one knows what’s about to happen. 

Tia is scared because she basically had the shit kicked out of her at the last date, Jacqueline is scared because she’s not athletic at all, and Lauren B. has never fought anyone in her life. Has anyone? They show up to the “ring” and plastered literally everywhere is GLOB - Gorgeous Ladies of The Bachelor. I’ll be very straight up with you here - GLOW was not the show for me. Love the concept and most everyone in the show, but tbh, it did not grab my attention. Neither did this date. So the girls and Arie, who is for some reason, in a suit and tie, find out that they’ll be wrestling today and then Chris Harrison introduces two of the original castmates on GLOW. cool! These older ladies are KILLING IT. Literally flipping around and running and jumping around like nobody’s business. It’s great. 

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think Arie joins the ranks of Bachelors who take women on these crazy dates just to see if “they can have fun in any situation”. I’m proud to say that I would not have fun in literally any situation. This show has been setting women up for failure for years. IF YOU BREAK TIA, YOU NEED A NEW DATE. While everyone is struggling with the “acting part” of wrestling, the two GLOW women literally GO AFTER Bibiana and Tia. They make fun of Bibiana’s name and then just pull Tia’s hair? Normally I’d be like “oh this is fine, like they should get over it”, but if I were in their shoes I’d be just as mad, like damn. Tia and Bibiana go cry on a set of stairs and talk about how uncomfortable this date has made them while Bekah M. just says that WWE IS ABOUT THEATRICS. Like, okay, Bekah, we get it. She also like makes fun of Tia and Bibiana for taking a second and says that the wrestling is “not scary”, it’s like they’re “dancing”. Eh. 

Eventually the two of them make it back in the ring and Tia comforts Arie, who has changed into a t-shirt - he tells her that he’s just as uncomfortable as she is. Tia and Bibiana end up just going for it and wrestle a very slight bit before Chris Harrison tells all the girls that they need to go backstage to get changed into costume as their alter ego. So, they don’t go over what everyone’s alter egos are randomly, but the few we find out about are: Bekah is a sex kitten, Marikh is a gold digger, Krystal is a cougar (why she’s 29 years old…), Tia is a Southern Bell, Bibiana is a Bridezilla, and Maquel is literally a lunch lady with a mole on her face. Before the women wrestle each other, Arie comes into the ring with a different suit on and is surprised to learn that he’ll be fighting someone first - who, you may ask? Well, of course PRETTY BOY PITBULL KENNY THE KING SOMETHING I DON’T REMEMBER THE SEQUENCE OF WORDS. It lasts quite literally a second and we don’t even get a short interview with Kenny letting Bachelor Nation what he’s been up to. What. A. Waste. Do we even see the outcome of this match? I mean, surely Arie lost handily, but I have no memories of an extended clip from this fight. 

The ladies are up next and I think, at this point, it’s going to be a tournament scenario in which there will be one winner, but, no, they simple just have one match each and call it a day. First pairing is Bekah The Sex Kitten and Maquel The Lunch Lady. I’m honestly dying watching Maquel use the tray to destroy Bekah - “Lunch has been served.” Jacqueline and Krystal face off next: genuinely no idea what Jacqueline’s character is or why Krystal is truly hurting Jacqueline, but okay. Lauren B. and Marikh face off and it’s weirdly so sexual and uncomfortable to watch and then Tia and Bibiana take us home with a very underwhelming fight. Bibiana and Tia are very proud of themselves and apparently Tia wins? This date was so weird. I have no idea who actually won each fight or what they were playing for and it was v uncomfortable and I’m glad it’s over. 

For the cocktail party portion of the date, they all head to Caravan Outpost which is literally a fancy trailer park? It looks very cool, but also, why? Arie toasts to all of the women and just, again, says how uncomfortable the day was for him and everyone else. While Arie is saying this, we hear Bibiana say that whatever issues she had with Krystal are behind her. Just as she’s finishing that sentence, Krystal grabs Arie to talk to him first and Bibiana is immediately mad again. BIBIANA, STOP, THIS IS THE SHOW, DON’T YOU KNOW. 

Krystal and Arie go and sit outside a trailer and Krystal talks like a broken baby doll and it’s gross and I hate them together, please make it end. Arie says that he needs to “check himself” in front of the other women, whatever that means. Again, Krystal, being the most high maintenance person in the world, asks Arie if she should “kick back” on group dates or if she should be more aggressive - Arie, in what can be described as a smart move, says that she should just “be herself”. Of course, Krystal interprets that to mean that she should be way more aggressive, though I don’t think that’s how he meant it. Arie literally tells her that if she feels like she needs more attention, she should just go and grab him. Hooo boy, Arie, will you regret those words I’m sure. While Krystal and Arie are talking, Bibiana tells Tia that she wants to tell Arie about her issues with Krystal. Uh, yeah, that seems like a smart idea. :rolling_eyes: Lauren B. is the one that actually interrupts Arie’s conversation with Krystal, but we actually cut to Bibiana’s conversation which is her just saying that she’s “so respectful” of others so it’s hard for her to be around Krystal. Like, get over it. Arie would prefer that Bibiana just focus on her relationship with him rather than get caught up in the drama of everything. Agreed. 

I’m dying because when Krystal goes back to sit down with the other women, Bekah M. is again just telling everyone about her one true love, WWE, and how it’s all about theatrics. WE. GET. IT. YOU. LOVE. WRESTLING. I’m sure we would have seen a much lengthier conversation were it not the killer of all conversations, Krystal, walking in the middle and undoubtedly revealing absolutely nothing about her conversation with Arie. Meanwhile, Tia and Arie head into a trailer and talk about how she felt weak on today’s date - she’s not used to feeling weak, but apparently Arie liked it because comforting people makes him feel like a man. Cool cool cool. I do like their chemistry - I love Tia, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like they’re not the completely perfect match. We’ll see. I guess what rubbed me the wrong way is him kind of treating her like a child? I don’t know. 

Back at the mansion is another date card - Chelsea, who I think they’re trying to edit to make her a little more likable, says that she’ll probably get the one-on-one because she’s a mom. Mmk. “Lauren S. - You had me at merlot. - Arie” I mean, interesting choice. 

Back in the trailer park, Bekah tells Arie that her longest relationship was about 2.5 to 3 years - wait, which one is it? She said it ended because they were going in different directions and he broke up with her. A week after they broke up, she ended up realizing it was an amazing decision. I feel a couple of things - 1. I’m not sure that she was actually in a real relationship full on for that amount of time. 2. She’s either not over it fully, or absolutely did not care about it, so she got over it in literally 1 week. 3. She’s a child, I mean, was it when she was 15 years old? I’m very confused by it and every week, I’m a little less Team Bekah. She literally straddles him as they’re making out and that’s just about the end of that. We cut to all of the girls on the couch saying that tonight was the best night that they’ve had with him, but Krystal thinks that they’re all living in a “false reality” because she has the strongest relationship in the house. You know how for our current president, you can literally pinpoint a tweet that ironically describes any situation we’re now in? I feel like we’re about to run into that with Krystal and everything she’s ever said in a confessional. Bekah M. walks away with the group date rose and feels blessed and has a lot of gratitude. 

While Lauren S. is getting ready for her one-on-one, Krystal and Marikh sit down and have a little chat - Krystal says that girls have always hated her because they’re jealous. Once, in fact, Krystal’s best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her best friend so that he could date Krystal. Uh, what? She then takes a sharp turn to describe herself as a “provider” and then tells Marikh, a woman with whom she is competing, that she and Arie already know that they want to end up together, this is just the journey they have to be on. As a final note, she doesn’t want any competition. This would be annoying coming out of anyone’s mouth, but is especially annoying when you add her horrific, horrific, vocal damage. 

Lauren S. pulls up to the private airport once again and meets Arie who tells her that they’re going to wine country! I love that they’ve quite literally run out of things to do in Los Angeles. Arie describes Lauren S. as “beautiful and mature” and what he’s looking for in a potential wife, even though, you know, he literally has not spent time with her, which he openly admits. I’m into the dress she chooses to wear to Hall Winery, which gets such a huge feature, I’m afraid we’re about to see Hall Wines popping up on Bachelor Nation instagrams soon, but I’m confused by her shoe choice? Was she always wearing sneakers? Did she have stilettos and then was told that they would damage the vineyards? I have so many questions. I love, also, that she describes this as a “Very Lauren S. Date”. First of all, what. Second of all, there’s no way she actually calls herself Lauren S. They seem to be getting along okay, but they’re truly keeping it surface level when they talk about how much sleep they need and if they sleep in. Nice!

For dinner, they’re still at Hall Winery, and I’m convinced, spoiler alert, that the entire reason she’s about to be sent home is that they’re forced to sit on the same side of the table. Just horrible. Lauren says that she’s super nervous about tonight and then dives into telling Arie quite literally everything about herself including her move from San Francisco to Dallas, the lack of romance in her last relationship, and also her mom’s eye infection. It’s only funny because the entire time, we’re cutting to a confessional with her where she’s like “WhAt Am I dOiNG??” It’s excellent. 

Back at the mansion, time for the final date card: “Ashley, Becca K., Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Annaliese: Love is ruff. - Arie” HOW IS RUFF SPELLED?!?!?!??!??!?!? asks everyone instantly, somehow knowing that dogs are on the horizon. They don’t spend much time on it here, so I won’t either, but Annaliese has had DOG TRAUMA as a child as well. What in the world. She’s either had literally no actual trauma happen in her life or she’s had a lot of trauma and it’s just manifesting in her dating life. What a mess. 

Cutting to HALL WINERY again, Lauren S. straight up tells Arie that she has not been herself on this date. She likes herself and is cool with herself, but she’s been all over the place on this date. He grabs the rose and it looks like he’s about to give it to her, but instead, he says “I’m sorry, I can’t give you this and it’s because I don’t even know”. He doesn’t want to waste her time essentially. SORRY LAUREN S., BAI! So to remind everyone, this is the girl that two of my friends overheard talking in Dallas and it absolutely all makes sense to me now. I’m glad I didn’t have to harbor any major resentment toward her and actually ended up liking her because she was such a disaster, but absolutely knew that she was a disaster, so it made it all okay. She heads out to the limo, he grabs the rose and heads into the room they probably would have gone to if she got the rose - waiting for him was a string quartet playing slightly ominous music. At the mansion, a producer comes in to grab her bag and the girls FREAK OUT. Caroline literally bursts into tears. Who knew that Lauren S. had such a lasting impression on all of the girls? Krystal takes her departure as a cue to tell everyone that they need to make sure that when they have time with Arie, they’re using it to their full potential. Caroline actually has to leave because it’s so annoying to listen to her - Tia follows her into the hall and I’m dying at their conversation. Caroline thinks that Krystal just thinks she’s so entitled just because she met his dog. LOL. She wants Krystal to go home and SAME. I love Caroline now and I’m just hoping she doesn’t get caught up in a situation where she’s complaining to Arie about Krystal. 

Okay, so at the date, Arie shows up in shorts and high socks and chucks and it’s not an ideal look. He brings his dog with him whose name is Bastian? Is that true? I rewound the episode like four times and still cannot confirm the name of the dog. I will start out this date by telling you that I have absolutely no idea what this date is. No idea what they’re doing or why or what’s happening. All the girls show up and so do the “Dynamo Dogs” and their trainer maybe? Who are these dogs? They end up not being good at simple commands so truly what is this group of untrained dogs? While the girls are working with some dogs that are jumping through hoops and jumping on their backs, Annaliese regales us all with her dog trauma. This is all, of course, shown in a dramatization and I just can’t get over it. Apparently her parents were out of the country once and she was staying with her grandparents when their dog, Sunshine, didn’t want to play with Annaliese anymore. She ended up getting big and literally almost LOST HER EYE?!?! WUT??

Any pairing of the girls that involves Tia is phenomenal to watch - case in point, back at the mansion, Tia and Bibiana sit in one of the little cabana things and Bibiana leads the two of them in a prayer: “Thank you for this beautiful day, thank you for my friend, Tia, and let one of those girls get bit by a puppy.” My money is obviously on Annaliese. 

So we’ve met the “Dynamo Dogs”, the girls have done some training with them, and we’ve gone through Annaliese’s issues - now time to head to The Grove? WHAT is this date, I repeat?!? Fred Willard is there judging something and all the girls are in some sort of costume and it seems like a completely new set of untrained dogs???? I’M SO CONFUSED. Basically they’re in front of an audience of legit children who won’t stop crying and no one can even get the dogs to sit and it’s a mess and I have no idea why it’s happening. 

Some time later, they all head to “The Reserve”, which I’ve never heard of, but now want to go to. Interestingly, Arie grabs Chelsea first to chat - she’s in a very casual dress and tells Arie that apparently this date was very symbolic of her own life. I absolutely do not think “symbolic” means what she thinks it means. Basically there were children there and, oh if you forget, she has a child. Cool! She tells Arie that she adores the person that she’s become today and in the past, she’s never had someone respect her for who she is. Arie quite literally pouts upon hearing this. I don’t hate Chelsea as much as I did Week 1 for sure, but she’s still an annoyance to me. Caroline chats with him next and asks what’s been going on for the last 5 years essentially - I actually love their chemistry. They match as humans and seem game to talk about real stuff, but without being dramatic about it. Also I love that after they kiss she’s straight up like “the girls call you Pillow Lips”. Lol. 

For the entire night, Annaliese is frustrated, both sexually and otherwise, and just really wants to get her time with Arie. It takes awhile. Ashley and Arie have literally no chemistry, Jenna really goes for it when she kisses him, and then Annaliese finally gets her time. It’s incredibly awkward. They talk truly about how difficult the show that they’re on is? If Annaliese were on The Truman Show, she’d 100% be the one that spills the beans and accidentally falls in love with Truman. Though, in the end, she probably wouldn’t end up with him. Someone cuts in, thank god, and Annaliese walks away feeling like maybe Arie was a little bit off? Ah, yes, surely that was it. 

Becca and Arie find a little nook to sit in and she tells him that it was weird to have other women on the date today. I love the two of them together. Going to call a final three of Becca, Tia, and Caroline right now. I feel like Bekah M. might take the place of one of them in there, but I’ll place by bet on that today. Anyway, Becca and Arie both think the other is a dork and they love kissing each other and we get the first person to say that she’s falling for him! Yay! Weirdly, and I mean I sincerely find this weird, Chelsea gets the group date rose. Hmm. 

Alright, now it’s actually cocktail party time and Annaliese wants to know if she and Arie have a physical connection. She’s one of the few that still hasn’t kissed him. Arie walks in and tells the girls that he has to be very decisive and that’s why he sent Lauren S. home. Gotta respect that. He grabs Seinne first, who I admittedly forgot about, and then we don’t see any of their conversation. Bibiana goes outside to the driveway to check on the actual bed she had set up so the two of them could look at the stars. Or so she though. Right as she’s finishing telling us about this “cabana” she’s set up, Arie and Laruen B. actually find the cabana and end up making out on this bed. Bibiana walks up in the middle of it and it’s V AWK. What follows is a montage of basically everyone but Bibiana finding this little set up and it’s funny because it’s sad. One of the couples that finds the cabana is Arie and Bekah and Arie straight up asks Bekah if she wants to get married. Not, like, to him, but also, like, definitely to him. I think she says yes? Look, Bekah’s a cool girl and says all the right things including that Arie finds her interesting because he knows that she doesn’t need a man to complete her. I’m all about that life and the things that she’s saying, but something about knowing how old she is and hearing the unbridled confidence she uses when she’s talking makes me think that she thinks she’s really cool? People who think they’re cool freak me out. 

Arie actually has set something up for Tia, which I find cute, and it’s just bales of hay and moonshine. Fun! He likes southern girls apparently. I’m just now realizing, but Tia’s single streak of blonde hair reminds me so much of Stacy London’s streak of grey hair. Shout out to all the other What Not to Wear fans! Tia is smitten and Arie is more and more attracted to her every day. 

So, I have to talk about it because I’m committed to recapping this show in its entirety, but please know, I am just so uncomfortable describing this next moment. Annaliese grabs Arie and says they’re going to go on a walk, which apparently means they’re going to walk through all their bedrooms and go to a balcony. But, wait, when they get to the balcony, Annaliese can’t decide where she wants to stand on the balcony and then she basically asks him to kiss her and he says that they’re not there yet and I genuinely want to die it’s so uncomfortable. Kendall interrupts and I’ve never been more excited to see a taxidermist.

Chelsea and Seinne help Annaliese in the bathroom who is full on breaking down and furiously applying more undereye concealer. While that’s happening, we cut to basically a porn when Jenna is climbing on top of him and I’m just as uncomfortable again? Jenna seems just straight up insane. Annaliese is still working herself up and finally decides that she needs to talk to Arie again - I’m pissed that she has to interrupt Caroline to do it, but let’s get this over with. She kinda asks if he thinks they have potential and he just says “I really don’t feel like there could be a future for us.” Like damn. I feel like I’m going to respect the way he’ll break up with the remaining 15 women. No time to beat around the bush. Annaliese leaves and says that this environment brought out a manic and anxious person and that is exactly correct. Arie says in his confessional that he felt like she needed a decision exactly in that moment and I’ve never heard truer words. Bai Annaliese - I hope you find solutions to your trauma and wish you the best. The girls are super freaked out about Annaliese leaving. Why? We’re not sure. 

Finally time for the rose ceremony. Congrats to: Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren (WE’RE DOWN TO THE FINAL LAUREN PEOPLE), Brittany, Becca K., Seinne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, and Marikh. Bai Bibs! Shout out to her bob, which is the true MVP of the season. I will not miss her insecurity being masqueraded as strength, but I will miss someone telling Krystal she sucks. 

Coming up on The Bachelor: they’re in Tahoe! Seinne goes parasailing, Bekah M. makes out in a hot tub and reveals her age, everyone hates Krystal, and Krystal thinks that whatever she does, it’s going to be perfect. See ya then!